Work Text:
1.
Weddings connect two souls together in a bond that is meant to last a lifetime.
Lifetime sounds like a wonderful word - dreamy, romantic, promising. Jackson acknowledges that, but he does not believe in that phrase.
So maybe that is the reason why when Christine asked him when would be his time to be the main character instead of the best man in such event like this, Jackson only smiles to the bride, who he has known since he was 5 and replies
“Darling, you do know I’m not made for commitments.”
If a passerby suddenly hears that phrase coming out of the famous singer Jackson Wang, it would sure be a big scandal in the entertainment industry, because it sounds like he is only interested in flings. In short-term things, no strings attached, no responsibility. However, Christine finds it not a surprise, because she understands what he truly means.
It is not that he wants to leave people after telling them he loves them, instead, he fears of being left behind.
He does not want to shove off responsibility, he wants to give them all he has, despite his crazy schedules.
He does not believe in forever, because he thinks the term is indefinite.
In Wang Jia Er’s dictionary, “forever” is an abstract word.
You see, there is no exact number for forever. None. Let’s say if somebody tells you they would love you forever, and one day they tell you “I’ve fallen out of love with you.”, what would you do?
Maybe that person has already loved you with their “forever”. Maybe by then, you’ll realize that “forever” does not mean this lifetime and possibly beyond that, but it only means the time that their heart still beats for you. After that, “forever” ends.
The Chinese have a term called “好聚好散”, by which Wang Jia Er has learned long ago since high school. The phrase simply means when the relationship started happily, the following break-up between the two people sometimes can be smooth just like how it began. Not all goodbyes have to be filled with anger and harsh words throwing at each other, and he knows this by heart.
However, sometimes they are the hardest. Cutting the knot as gently as to how you tied it in the first place sounds peaceful, but that only works when you no longer have feelings for them. When you still love them, the peacefulness does not come easily, and you will not be able to move on, because psychologically, you have no reason to hate them. Or to push them away.
And that is how Jackson knows it does not work for him - because once he loves someone, he knows there is no way he will be able to turn back to square one.
Christine does not show any surprise, instead, she adjusts her bridal veil once again and smiles at Jackson,
“Jiajia, you will meet the person who makes you believe otherwise."
To be fair, it is not Jackson who is unable to find interest in anyone. He did love somebody, indeed. It is just the fact that the person left him a long time ago, while Wang Jia Er still feels the same ten years later.
What is worse is that he never got the chance to let that person know how he feels.
Funny, isn’t it? Songs topping multiple charts worldwide, millions of albums sold to music lovers all around the world, but nobody knows who the songs are for. The main character does not, either, Wang Jia Er believes so.
So that is how he confidently wrote up the beautiful line,
“I see constellations spelling out your name.”
Because Jackson believes that person will never get to listen to his song, nor will they realize it is about them.
Virgo signs form an “M”, which is something he is sure the other person never cares about finding out.
When the time hits 6p.m, Jackson slowly walks Christine outside of the bridal room to meet her father, who will then walk her down the aisle. He feels proud, and happy, almost tearing up when the bride and the groom exchange their vows.
Maybe he was paying attention so closely, he captures Christine’s last sentence in her vow,
“Love is something I have only understood after meeting you, and I hope everyone in this room will be able to meet their definition of love too.”
And just like that, when the countdown has not hit 3, she has already thrown her bouquet, aiming directly at Jackson’s direction. The vivid flowers fall into Jackson’s opening arms as a reflex.
Christine smiles at him, “And nobody deserves happiness more than you, my best friend.”
Her eyes flicker some surprising flash but Jackson was not quick enough to comprehend what it means. Christine turns around and holds her husband’s hand, with a Champagne glass on the other, starting the party. Jackson grabs his own bubbling glass and walks out of the crowd, because on days like this when surrounding him are couples holding hand-in-hand dressing up to celebrate his best friends’ wedding, if he says he does not miss the other person whom left 10 years ago, it will be biggest lie that he will ever tell in his life.
And Jackson wishes he was here.
For a long moment of drinking in the corner near the entrance and letting his mind wonder, he heard a voice speaking up behind him.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Trust me, I’d be a billionaire, and you’ll be spending an excessive amount of money if you want to know what is on my mind.” - Jackson replies without turning his head back, because he is really not in the mood to get acquainted with anyone tonight.
But the sarcastic comment did not shove the other person off, instead, Jackson hears a soft laugh,
“But if the spending is for you, I’d never mind.”
Jackson freezes because the voice sounds so familiar. So familiar that he knows he will never in his lifetime forget the tone, the intonation, nor the owner of it.
So familiar that it feels like home after months of drifting away, but also cannot reach the shore no matter how hard he tries to.
He turns back, meeting the same face features that have imprinted in his memories for the last ten years.
“Jiajia, I’m home.”
Jackson stands there not knowing how to react. He has spent restless nights and endless words about this person, wishing their path will cross once again. But he has never thought of what he would say after that because he knew the reunion was only in his imagination. Maybe this is also an illusion, Jackson thinks. He closes his eyes, hoping he will be sober when he opens them again.
But the figure standing in front of him does not disappear.
He is here.
“Say something, please, I’m begging you.”
“M-Mark, why are you here?”, Jackson replies in a gibberish voice.
“Because Christine called me one night after she saw my name and contacts on the business contract with her husband, hoping it would be me after years of losing connections so she could invite me to her wedding. And you do remember that you are not her only childhood friend right, I was too.”
“Ah-”, Jackson acts calm, wishing the man in front does not notice how panicked he was.
“Besides, I want to make things right.”
“Huh?”
Mark smiles again, and Jackson asks him first for the first time tonight,
“How have you been?”
Mark stays silent for a while, before telling him
“I hate lying, but it has been overwhelming.”
Jackson asks why, and Mark continues,
“Because I only wanted days to pass by fast, until I can meet the most important piece of my life again.”
Jackson’s heart skips a beat,
Mark is already in love with someone else. Pain starts to grow inside his chest, leaving him wondering if it was his luck that he did not confess years ago, or whether his hesitation destroyed their chances of being together.
The silence continues, until Mark breaks it once again, to Jackson’s surprise. It is like their personalities have traded each other’s position.
“And I meet him here tonight.”
Jackson looks up, meeting Mark’s eyes.
“Stop looking at me like that, you are making me fall for you all over again.”
“Wh-what?”
“Jiajia, I hate that I was a coward who ran away back to LA when I heard you passed the audition in Korea. I knew it was your dream, and I could not bring myself to stand in its way. I lied to you that I did not apply for the audition, in fact, I did and I passed. But I turned it down.”
“Because you suddenly realized did not want to achieve your dreams with me anymore? Like what we said that night while gazing at the stars?”, Jackson hears his voice trembling, trying hard to stop tears from flowing.
“No, because I do not want to achieve my dreams when it means I have to compromise any possibility of holding your hands and kissing you under the snow as you have always wanted.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Jiajia, you thought I felt nothing, didn’t you?”, Mark still keeps his voice low, “but the truth is I felt too much for you that I even put you above my own self.”
“You cannot just leave for ten years and suddenly appear in front of my face, telling me that you have feelings for me. It is not fair for me, for you, for any of us. Why are you even here?”
“To tell you this, because I missed my chance ten years ago. I would not leave until I let you know it, but if you do not want me here, I will make sure you are never going to see me again if that’s what you want. Just one word, Jiajia, and I will leave.”
“You left without any words before, why do you need my words now?”, Jackson feels himself collapsing into pools of emotions.
“Because I put all of them into this.”
Mark hands Jackson a small box, imprinting “DNA” on it.
“What is this, and how did you get the box from DNA? Why do my producers know you?”
“They do not only know me, Jiajia.”, Mark continues, “They work for me.”
Jackson feels this is a dream. Whatever this is, it can’t be real.
“I figured the only way I could be achieving dreams with you is to let you be independent. Your music has its own taste, Jiajia. I know you are more talented than what the past label restricted you from creating. DNA is the label I built for you, just for you.”
“Is this some kind of cruel joke, because I have been with DNA for the past 3 years and I am the only exclusive artist there. You should know I am so close with the staff and I know everything.”
“Then has it ever encountered to you why you were the only artist DNA promised to represent?”
Jackson pauses, everything is so in shock that makes it feel like his brain has stopped working.
“I cannot do this right now.”
He runs away, not realizing he is still holding the black box in his hand.
Jackson leaves for his car and drives it out of the event venue. He knows Christine will not be mad at him, probably thinking he has a sudden work schedule coming up. He drives down to the beach nearby, and parks his car stops when he realizes there is no one else around him anymore. He does not know since when his tears started flowing, neither does he know how long has it been like that.
When he catches his breath once again in a calmer state of mind, Jackson decided to open the box.
Inside it was a USB, and a key.
He grabs his MacBook from the backseat, which he always leaves it there in case sudden melodies come up during his trips. Plugging in the USB, there was a voice recording.
Jackson presses play.
“If you are listening to this, there are two probabilities. Either I have had enough courage and told you what I’ve always wanted to let you know, or I am no longer alive in this world.
I hope it is the first reason because I still haven’t held you in my arms enough. And I do not want to die before doing that.
DNA was created for you, and only you. I have worked hard enough the past ten years since you became a trainee for the former company, hoping one day I will be able to give it to you. I dreamt of pursuing the stages and singing my heart out with you, but after realizing my feelings, I realize I love seeing you on stages more than seeing myself.
Because that is the moment when you are the most carefree, living your life to the fullest.
I usually call you puppy, but to me, you are also a phoenix. Flying high no matter what burns you down. Rising from the ashes, slowly warming up my own heart day by day.
If you want to fly, I want to be the ground that pushes you off, and the place where you can fall back in. In other words, Jiajia, no matter how high you want to fly, I am always here waiting for you to land.
Do whatever you want, I am here to back you up while you are conquering the world.
I did not give up my dream, I still work in music. You do realize DNA producers go under pseudonyms, and there are always somebody named YJ in the credit list. I believe the team told you that YJ lives abroad and only produces music anonymously in the team, and I know you respect others’ privacy so you will not ask further.
YJ stands for YiJia (宜嘉), Jiajia ah. By now I hope you know who YJ is.
I produce music, I get to hear your voice and see you live your passions. I did not give up my dreams, because my dreams are all about you.
You conquer the world, while to me, you are my world.
Now I give you back what is meant to be yours. The choice is yours, to continue building the empire or tearing it up, it is alright Jiajia. I will give all the decisions back in your hands.
About us, too. I felt for you. I did not know your feelings, and I was scared to find out you did not love me back. Until that night when you were sleeping at my place and you forgot your diary there. I am sorry I read it.
Ten years later, I hope you know that I want to kiss you under the snow too. I want to wake up next to you for the rest of my life.
But the decision is yours because my immature self has found a way to solve the issues in my own way, but I forgot to take your feelings into consideration. I am sorry, not a day goes by that I do not regret it.
If you do not want to see me ever again, I will leave.
But I will always be waiting for you. If it is not you, I will never move forward.
But if there is a chance, even if it is small,
Can we fix this? I cannot lose you once again, not in this lifetime.
I love you, Wang Jia Er.
Ten years before, now, and many years later, I am still in love with you.
I hope you hear this when I’m still alive because waiting for the next life to meet you again is so long.
With love,
Duan Yi En.
At this point, Jackson’s eyes are filled with water. He hates that as long as it is Mark, he will always be weak like this. Jackson opens the box again to pick out a key, with an address key tag on it.
It is the address of DNA’s studio.
Jackson usually opens the studio by the given passcode from the producer brothers, but the key is the only way to access the digital lock and change the passcode again.
Beach waves are still flowing in a calming pattern until he receives a call from Christine. He was about to apologize her for leaving early, but Christine started the conversation first.
“It has been ten years, Jiajia. It is unfair for you, but the pain Mark experienced to keep his distance from you is already a punishment he placed upon himself. You know how painful it is, darling, because you experienced it too. You are not only hurting him as an act of revenge, you are hurting yourself too.
Life is too short, and I hope you can be happy.”
Jackson cries on the phone, and Christine is there to listen for a good five minutes, before she tells him “My duty is done, somebody else should be comforting this crying mess. Go find him, Jiajia.”
That’s when he hears Christine’s other half - Andy’s voice through the speaker,
“He’s waiting for you.”
2.
Jackson drives to the studio, unlocks by the usual passcode. He comes in to find the recording room with lights on, but no one was there.
A song was being opened, only waiting for him to press play.
Before sitting down, he finds Mark entering the room.
“I, I did not think you will be here.”
Jackson can see the insecurity in Mark’s eyes. Suddenly, he realizes Mark is not sure either.
He really gives all the cards to Jackson’s hands to deal this time.
That is why Jackson finds himself smiling to Mark, this time more confident.
“You sure?”
“Well, I- I was hoping you would be here. But I was not sure.”
“Now are you sure or not?”
“Partly-”.
Jackson stops his mouth with a kiss.
“How about now?”
“50%”
“Why 50%?”
“Because maybe to you this is a kiss goodbye. You do not forgive me.”
Jackson replies, “You are right, that was.”
Mark nods his head and looks down to the ground, in agreement and also in pain.
“I understand. I would not forgive myself either if I were you.”
Jackson walks forward a little more and kisses him again.
“That was a kiss goodbye. This kiss is a hello.”
Mark is speechless and surprised.
“I kissed the past goodbye. Now I kiss you once again for a hello.”
“What do you mean?”
“Hello, my name is Wang Jia Er, a chart-topper singer. Will you be my friend?”
Mark smiles with teary eyes, “I will.”
“Good”, Jackson replies. “Because you will have to produce music with me for the rest of your life.”
“I promise.”
Mark hugs Jackson tight in his arms, and this time he hears the two endearing words “Jiajia” with warmth again after ten years.
“So what if I do not forgive you?”
“DNA is still yours. I will be waiting.”
“How long?”
“Well if this life is not enough, I will use the one after this ends too if reincarnation exists. I will wait so we can reincarnate together”
Jackson laughs, “Have you experienced death before, how are you so sure there will be another life.”
“I already died the day I ran away from you.”
Jackson punched him lightly in the chest, “Stop mentioning death!”
Mark smiles,
“But you are here now in my arms, life is worth living again. I want to live for a long time, so long so that I will be able to wake up every day for the rest of my life next to you, and take you places you want to go.” He kisses Jackson’s temple, “Wherever you go, I will follow.”
“As long as Jackson Wang pays my tickets.”
Jackson throws the pillow on the sofa into him “Why do you have to destroy romantic moments!”, but then he asks “You should remember I am under DNA. I do not have money. You pay me.”
“But DNA is yours now, Jiajia. I am on your payroll now.”
“Then you better behave.”, Jackson smiles.
“I will, so superstar Jackson Wang, please take care of me.”
“I promise.”
Mark stares at Jackson for the longest amount of time he has ever experienced in his life,
“Is there something on my face?”, Jackson asks.
“Can I kiss you?”
Jackson smiles as an answer.
When their lips finally touch again, they realize that this is what they have been longing for their whole life.
And it feels right.
Like humans after years of swimming in the ocean,
they have finally reached their own shore.
Being able to breathe, and finding their way home again.
Home is not only a destination.
Home is wherever you are.