Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He knows it’s unnatural. He wasn’t like this before. But lately, everything seems tangled up inside his mind. He feels like a puppet, moving, but never alive. On screen, he shows the perfect side of him. But once the camera is off, the heavy darkness returns, eating him alive. He’s overwhelmed and insecure. But everyone sees him as the perfect doll, always looking pretty and smiling. He couldn’t reach out for help, afraid that people might leave for that side of his. In his mind, he’s alone, waiting for someone to see through him. Waiting for someone to stay.

“Hey, this will look great with this sticker on.” Yeonjun commented. The five members are live, having a casual time decorating their albums while interacting with MOAs. “Ah, hyung, I brought some tapes and stickers too.” Beomgyu said, rummaging his bag for the things he mentioned. But when he took them out, he realized that the members aren’t even looking at him. So he quietly put them back into his bag, still with a smile on his face, quietly sitting at the corner. He swipes through the comments, pretending it’s all fine. Nobody saw the way his smile falters slightly.
He always tells himself that he’s fine. He knows that the members get too excited sometimes to tell what is happening around them. He doesn’t blame them, really. But he couldn’t help but to squeeze his hands into a fist to ease the pain. The palm of his hands hurt when he’s upset, it’s a TMI that he never tells. Because he doesn’t like people seeing the vulnerable side of him. “Beomgyu hyung, why are you staring into space? You should tell us what MOAs are saying,” Taehyun says.

“Ah, sorry, MOAs’ words are just so precious that I want to keep it to myself,” Beomgyu lets out a chuckle. It’s not like he can say it out loud that he too, wants to be with them, to feel like he’s a part of them. And he continues like it’s nothing. No one needs to know he’s hurting.

When the live is done, the members don’t have anything scheduled. Maybe I can suggest a movie session at the dorm, Beomgyu thought. He knows that sometimes he might be a little sensitive, and that leads to overthinking. So he wants to fix this uncomfortable feeling inside him. Maybe a simple evening together will make it all better, and it will clear the doubts in his head. But just when they are just about to leave the company, Soobin turns around to him, “The four of us are going to a nearby café to hangout. Wanna come?”

Beomgyu is slightly taken aback by this. Since when they’ve made plans together without him? Are they asking him to join out of pity? Do they actually want him to go? Questions and doubts begin to flow into his mind again. “Hyung.” Huening’s voice snapped him out of his daze.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to go, you know? You can rest if you want to. Since the schedule tomorrow might be a little hectic.” Huening adds.

With that, Beomgyu nods. “Uh, yeah. I’ll just head back to the dorm.”

“Beomgyu, would you mind if I drive you back after dropping them at the café? Might be a little late since I need to pick up a few things as well.” His manager says.

Beomgyu shakes his head, forcing a smile. “It’s okay, hyung. I can walk back by my own. The weather doesn’t seem bad today.”

“Doesn’t seem bad? It’s so cloudy right now, it’s probably going to rain soon.” Taehyun responses.

“I like this kind of weather lately.” Beomgyu replies. “And I’ll probably be home before it rains. Which means, I should probably leave now. You guys too, don’t make our manager hyung leave work late. Bye guys!” Beomgyu says as he hurries to leave. He can’t look at the members. Because if he did, he’s afraid that everyone will see through him. He doesn’t want them to feel uncomfortable just because they prefer to be together without him.

Beomgyu doesn’t get home before it rains. Instead, he found himself waiting for the rain to fall. He means it when he said he likes the rainy weather lately. Because it feels like the sky understands how he feels. It’s the only way he can let out the storm in his mind. It’s the only time when he doesn’t need to hide his expression. Because everyone is too busy running away from the rain, too busy hiding underneath the umbrella, that no one sees him. No one sees his tears falling with the rain.

“Did you get home safe?” He looks at the text from Yeonjun in their group chat sent an hour ago. He doesn’t realize that he had been out in the rain for so long.
“Yep.” Beomgyu replies. “Fell asleep right after I got home, haha.” He lied.

He sits on the bathroom floor, for God knows how long. He doesn’t even bother to change out his wet clothes. He just sits there staring into blank until he hears the voices of his members filling the house. He turns on the shower, muting the voices outside. The members thought that Beomgyu has probably just went into shower right before they came home, so they didn’t suspect a thing. Little did they know that Beomgyu is slowly drowning in his pretty little mind.

Chapter Text

“Wow, Beomgyu, you sure take a long time in the shower.” Yeonjun commented when Beomgyu finally steps out of their shared bathroom. “Uh, yeah, sorry.” Beomgyu mumbled, fiddling with the hems of his oversized shirt.

Soobin lets out a chuckle. “No, it’s fine. We just want to ask you if you’ve had dinner. We are ordering supper, apparently our hyung is still hungry after all those eating earlier. We thought you might have not eaten yet, so- ”

“It’s okay, I made some ramyeon after getting home. I’m getting to bed early, cus, uh, the schedule is packed and starts early tomorrow. Beomgyu cuts Soobin off, he doesn’t even realize that he’s rambling on.

Before the members can even respond, Beomgyu walked into his room and closed the door behind him. Every day, he returns to his bed, his hiding place. In this small place, it’s where he hides. But not even himself realizes that this is also the place he hopes they would find him. That they would find him some day and tell him it’s okay, that he’s not alone. He doesn’t know that deep inside him, he wants to escape this cold cold place. Beomgyu pulls the blanket closer to him. It feels especially colder tonight. He wonders if this is just the rain or is this because of the laughter behind the door that is especially loud. Without him.

Underneath the blanket, his shoulders shake at the tears that he couldn’t hold back. Clenching his palms, he hopes everything will stop hurting. He falls asleep wondering if he was ever loved by anyone.

-----

The next day, he wakes up an hour early than he planned to. He can feel the headache building up, but he shrugged it off. He always gets a headache whenever he cries, it seems like something that he needs to get used to. He’s glad to be awake early though, with the members still asleep, he opens the drawer where they keep all the medicines and supplements. Without them around, no one will ask questions. He frowns as he shakes the bottle of paracetamol. They are almost running out of it, there are only two pills left. He shrugged and took one, putting the bottle into his bag just in case he needs the last pill.

Their schedule today starts with a vocal practice for their upcoming event. It will be a live online event with other artists, so they need to practice making sure everything goes well. The practice started individually, warming up their voice cords with their trainer one by one. Beomgyu has always felt insecure when it comes to vocal. He feels that he’s always lacking, and he constantly compares himself with the others. Huening and Taehyun are especially good with high key notes, Soobin’s falsetto is almost perfect in his ears, and Yeonjun’s voice sounds so special and stable. He couldn’t help but to hate his own voice, whether it comes to singing or not. The weak voice that will never sounds beautiful, the cowardly voice that only talks to himself in his head.

“Beomgyu, your voice is a little scratchy today. Have you warmed up properly?” His vocal trainer asked when they were rehearsing as five. Of course he has warmed up. It’s been more than an hour since the practice started and he only sounds worse. “I’m sorry, can I take a break for a drink?” Beomgyu replies.

“Sure. 10 minutes break, boys. I hope to hear a better performance, okay?”

Burden. Burden. Burden.

The ugly voice in his head keeps repeating. It keeps telling him that he’s not worthy to be here, standing with the other four members. They tried so hard to debut, and here he is, dragging everyone down.

He was feeling better before leaving to the company, but the headache seems to be coming back and he does feel a little warm. He feels useless. Why does he keep dragging them down? Is this why everyone feels so far away now? Because he is the odd one out that doesn’t belong. He’s trapped inside his head, all alone. Everyone seems so happy. Without him, they might be even better and happier. “Hyung, times up. Let’s get back to work.” Taehyun reminds him.

Beomgyu nods.

The practice goes on, and Beomgyu practices until his voice is almost hoarse. “Stop, I think we should end it today.” Yeonjun says. Beomgyu flinches a little at the tone of his voice. It’s his fault. It’s his fault that he can’t be better. It’s his fault for ruining this group. The group finally agrees on halting the vocal practice for another day. They also have a dance practice coming up so they are going for another break for lunch.

“Aigoo, our maknae has been working hard, hasn’t he?” Beomgyu looks at Soobin, who is ruffling Huening’s hair endearingly. “Let’s go eat whatever our maknae wants to.” Yeonjun adds.
It will be a lie if Beomgyu says he’s not jealous of this. He too, wants to be able to interact with the members that way. He doesn’t know what happened. But everyone seems so far and unreachable now. Before, he was able to be with them easily, as easy as breathing. But now, why does he feel suffocated at the sight in front of him?

“Hey, why aren’t you coming along?” Yeonjun asks.

“I will stay back and practice for a while.” Beomgyu replies. It’s the least he can do.

“Hyung, let’s have lunch together.” Huening says.

Beomgyu forces a smile and shakes his head. “Not hungry.”

Taehyun lets out a sigh. “We will bring back some sandwich for you. Remember to save your energy for dancing.” Beomgyu nods.

Are they annoyed of him? He doesn’t know what to do anymore. He wants to be a part of them, but at the same time, it hurts to see them. So he sang, on and on and on, till he feels he’s worthy enough to stop.

-----

He only stops fifteen minutes before the dance practice starts. He doesn’t feel well, and he doesn’t want to ruin the practice again. So he took the last paracetamol before the members return.
He feels better after taking the pill, even though he still feels warm, at least the headache is gone. Even though he isn’t confident in singing, but he believes that dancing is something he could still cope with. That’s why he’s extremely stern to himself and the members when it comes to their dance performance. The group must be perfect. The four members are the most talented people, and he always wants to make sure that every single person out there can see how perfect they are, at least that’s how the four of them look like in his eyes.
He notices that Huening’s movement are a little sloppy today. Sure, the youngest is sometimes playful but when he focuses, he always manages to showcase all the movement clearly. But today, he seems off. With all the repeated dancing, he becomes frustrated. Not because his tired, but it’s because the four of them are supposed to shine brighter than he is. He might be the shadow dragging them away from the lights, but they should never be dragged away. Because if they ever stop shining, he feels that it’s on him. “What’s wrong with you today? You always get this right.” Beomgyu blurts out, the tone of his voice harsher than he expected.

“Ah, sorry, hyung.” Huening apologizes. “You are better than this, stop playing around Huening-ah. I know you can be-”

“Hey, stop it.” Yeonjun pauses the music.

Beomgyu looks at the eldest. Yeonjun looks mad. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I hope you get that the world doesn’t revolve around you. If you are too self-obsessed to actually see what’s around you, then don’t even bother to say a word about others.” Yeonjun adds.

It’s quiet. So quiet that Beomgyu thinks he might be able to hear his own heartbeat. He doesn’t mean it like that. He’s not blaming Huening. Taehyun looks around nervously, unsure what to say to ease the tension between the members. Huening can only stare at his feet, afraid to look up at the members, while Soobin is next to Yeonjun, whispering words to have him calm down.
“Me?” Beomgyu croaks. “Self-obsessed?” he looks into Yeonjun’s eyes. “Is that really what you think of me?” he says, it almost comes out as a whisper.

“Beomgyu-yah..” Soobin tries to talk to Beomgyu.

“I’m sorry, Huening. I’m- I guess I’m just a little sensitive today. I’m sorry if it sounds harsh, I’m not blaming you. I’m just- I don’t know what is happening as well. I-”
Taehyun grabs his hand. And Beomgyu turns his eyes to him. “Breathe, hyung.”

“I know, hyung. It’s okay. I’m sorry, I just don’t feel good today, that’s why I might look a little silly when dancing.” Huening chuckles awkwardly, trying to ease the tension.

And it only hurts Beomgyu more. Yeonjun’s right. He’s too self-obsessed to notice that the youngest isn’t feeling well. The others must have known that. He’s the only one who didn’t notice.
“Are, are you okay?”

Huening nods. “Just a little tired I guess.”

“See when you actually talk to us? Stop living in your own bubble and actually try. At this point, it isn’t even surprising when you’re not around anymore, like you’re not even a part of us.”
Beomgyu flinches at Yeonjun’s words. “Let’s end this. I can’t listen to this anymore. Yeonjun, you’re getting out of line. I get that you’re mad, but this is just a misunderstanding. You’re mad because Gyu might hurt Huening’s feelings, but just listen to yourself, your words can hurt too, do you ever think of that?” Soobin says.

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what to say besides I’m sorry anymore.” Beomgyu mumbles.

“Let’s just go home.” Taehyun says.

“I thought we are going to have an outdoor shoot at evening?” Huening replies.

“If you guys aren’t fighting, you might have noticed the text from the team saying that it will be a stormy night tonight, so the shoot is cancelled. It doesn’t seem like we can go on with the practice, we might as well go home.” Taehyun explains.

Soobin sighs. “Yeah, maybe we all need some rest. And maybe some alone time.” Soobin says, eyeing at Beomgyu and Yeonjun. “We can clear this up tomorrow. And I hope everyone can be honest and actually have a nice conversation with one and another. We are a team, no one is getting left behind.” The leader continues.

And so the practice ends. The voice in Beomgyu’s head only gets stronger. No one wants him now. He’s the worst for telling Huening off when Huening’s not feeling well. And now he’s tearing the team apart. He’s dragging them down. He’s the shadow that will swallow the lights. The lights that he loves with all his life.

It’s like the nature is in sync with his feelings, just like the weather prediction, it seems to be stormy, not a ray of light is seen. When they reach the dorm, Yeonjun immediately rushes into his own room, slamming the door like he’s trying to proof a point. Taehyun sighs and follows Yeonjun into his room. Soobin is hovering over Huening, fussing over the youngest. “You’re a little warm.” Soobin says after feeling Huening’s forehead. “Go get changed and get some rest. I’ll see if we have anything to lower the fever before it gets worse. Do you want to sleep in my room tonight? Sleep with me tonight, and maybe Yeonjun and Taehyun would like to join too.”

Beomgyu’s heart clenches when he hears that.

Burden. Burden. Burden. No one wants you. All this time, alone at night, he just wants someone to be with him. He has been waiting, especially for Soobin, who used to be his roommate, just to ask “Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?” He’s always lonely. Now he knows, he’s always been waiting for someone to save him from the hiding place. He’s been quietly hoping for some day when they do call his name and ask him to stay, he would go right away. He would go running back to them. Just a simple night, where he doesn’t feel alone. Just a sign that he’s actually wanted. Just a call of his name.
He looks at Soobin rummaging the drawer, frowning because there’s no medicine in sight. “Oh no, it seems like we ran out of it.” Soobin mumbled to himself.

And then there’s guilt. He took the last of the paracetamol. Maybe that’s why they will never call for him. He seems to ruin everything and it seems like it will be pouring soon. It’s his fault so he should be responsible for this. With no one realizing, Beomgyu left the dorm to buy some things for their youngest. And maybe, he can fix all of this. Maybe by fixing what he has done wrong, they will stop being mad at him.

“Sorry, it seems like we don’t have anything here.” Soobin says to the youngest. “Nah, it’s okay. I don’t feel that bad, we can still play games the whole night and I will still have the energy to stay alive.” Huening jokes. “You’re crazy, like hell I’m letting you do that.” Soobin replies.

Huening chuckles. “Maybe just a movie night? With all of us? Beomgyu seems a little weird lately.”

Soobin sighs. “Maybe he needs some space. Just give him some time to clear his head and let’s talk to our hearts out tomorrow.”

Huening nods. He really hopes everything will be better. And suddenly, he hears the door opens. It’s Yeonjun and Taehyun coming out of the room. “Is Beomgyu hyung in his room?” Taehyun asks. Soobin shrugs. “He must be, since he’s nowhere around here.”

“Are you going to be mad at Beomgyu hyung again?” Huening asks timidly.

“What? No! I’m trying to apologize to him.” Yeonjun quickly replies. “I didn’t mean to say it like that earlier. Taehyun literally repeated what I said, and I admit that it’s a little over. I just hate how he is being lately. I’m just worried.”

“Then express it correctly, hyung. You know how sensitive he is.” Soobin adds.

“Yeah, that’s why I said he’s in his living in his own bubble.”

“Yah, you guys! Stop talking.” Taehyun says all of a sudden. Beomgyu is standing there at the wrong time. All he heard was the members talking about how sensitive he is. “Am I really such a selfish person to you guys?” his voice trembles.

“You’re right. I live in my own bubble. I live in a bubble where no one can see me. Am I really the one who isn’t trying? Are you guys even trying to look at me? Can’t you see?” Beomgyu says. The members are all silently looking at the drenched figure in front of them.

“Can’t you see I’m hurting right now?” he’s whispering, but the four of them heard it loud and clear. Beomgyu has been screaming for help in silence. And they couldn’t see that.

Chapter Text

Beomgyu smiles at the sight in front of him. He finally feels the warmth. The sun is shining, and Beomgyu sits by the beach, looking at the members playing around. He was finally included, finally happy. The four members are walking towards the sea. “Beomgyu-ah, come over!” Soobin says. Beomgyu immediately gets up. “Wait for me!” he replies.

‘Wait for me over there. I’ll go to you whenever you call’ Beomgyu thinks.

But no matter how hard he walks towards them; they keep getting further away. “Hey, don’t go! Please wait for me!” Beomgyu shouts. “Why won’t you come to us, Beomgyu?” He can hear Yeonjun’s voice.
“I’m trying!” He yells.

Beomgyu keeps on walking and walking, but as time pass, the members are only getting away from him. And in a blink of an eye, they’re gone. He lost them. And the warmth that he was feeling is slowly fading. And then he realized, he was never at the sea, it is instead a desert. He looks at the sun setting in the distance and the darkness grows. He’s trapped. He’s cursed to never leave this place. He lost his lights. With them gone, it’s like he lost his ability to even breathe. But he keeps walking. Trying to find a way to escape. Trying to find his way back to his lights. He needs to get there. To the place where he can finally breathe. He needs to find them.

And then he finally stops. He stays. Maybe, just maybe, if he stays in place, they will come back for him. The night feels forever because the morning never comes. Disappointment weighting on his shoulders, doubts filling his mind, he no longer has the confidence to run.

I’m waiting here.

I’m waiting here.

I’m waiting here.

He repeats. In the dark he calls for them. In the darkness, he waits for them, for his lights to come and save him. He waits for someone to call his name, so that he can run again. So he can run back to them.

-----

Beomgyu wakes up with a jolt. He’s cold. So cold. He feels icky. After what he said the night before, Beomgyu headed into his room without waiting any response from the members. He didn’t even bother to change out of his wet clothes. He needed to hide away, in his safest place. And right now, he feels so bad that he doesn’t realize the tear tracks on his face. It feels like the room is spinning and his hands can’s stop trembling.

They’re gone.

They’re leaving you behind.

The voices in his head say. With his trembling legs, he stood up. He needs to go; he needs to go before it’s too late. He needs to go before they get too far away.
In his feverish state he walks out his bedroom. When he saw the couch, he immediately thought of Huening.

‘Huening’s sick. He’s in pain. I was too self-centred to think about him. I didn’t even pass him the things I bought.’

They’re gone.

No one wants you anymore.

He walks around the dorm, looking for the members. But there’s no one around. “I- I’m here. Please don’t leave.” He mutters weakly as he collapsed to the floor, he’s arms wrapped around his legs like he’s trying to protect himself from all the pain. “I’m always waiting here; can’t you see me?” he cries. And he sobs like he was in Daegu again. It’s like he was a kid again. The little kid who waited in the cold for the bus. The kid who endured everything, trying not to bother anyone. The kid who finally broke down and went back to his mother for the comfort. He wants someone, anyone. Just to tell him it’s okay, to tell him that he doesn’t need to endure all of that.

But no one is ever around anymore.

The other four members are oblivious of what’s happening in the dorm. After Beomgyu’s outburst last night, they realized they really fucked up. They didn’t mean to hurt him, they just never tried to understand him, and they made up their mind to make it all right again.

Beomgyu’s door was locked, so the members couldn’t get in, and no matter how many times they called out his name, Beomgyu refused to respond. “Hyung, we need to fix this.” Huening said. “Absolutely. We’re not going to end this way.” Soobin replied.

“Can we take the day off tomorrow? Beomgyu might need this as well. We need to do everything to make sure he’s going to be fine by tomorrow.” Taehyun added.

Yeonjun nodded, “I can inform the company. But Soobin and I might need to finish some personal work in the morning, it will take only an hour or two, so I guess we can cancel the group practices?”
“That sounds good.” Soobin agreed. “Taehyun, while they’re at the company, maybe we can buy some things to cheer him up? Like all his favorite food or something?” Huening suggested.
Taehyun smiled, “sure, that sounds like a plan.”

And so the members decided to leave early in the morning as per their plan. They don’t realize that Beomgyu is awake and alone, sick and helpless at home thinking that he has been abandoned.
“Oh, you guys are just getting back?” Soobin says when he sees the two youngest members on the way home with Yeonjun. “Yeah, we walked by an arcade and saw that they have a doll that looks like Toto in the claw machine. So we decided that we need to get it no matter what, Beomgyu hyung will love it!” Huening replies, excitement in his voice.

Yeonjun chuckles. “Good move, kiddo!” he ruffles Huening’s hair.

And just when they reach the dorm, they hear sobs. They hear a heart-breaking cry. Beomgyu rarely cries, they’ve always known that Beomgyu always try to hold back his tears. So when they see him, crying with his shoulders shaking so hard, it’s like getting a slap to their face.

“Choi Beomgyu!” Soobin calls out.

Beomgyu immediately looks up. His eyes red, his tears falling like the pouring rain from the night before. “Beomgyu hyung…” Taehyun calls, tears threatening to fall.
Beomgyu runs. He runs to them. He runs before he’s going to lose them again. He hugs the leader who is the closest to him. “Don’t leave. Don’t leave me behind. I don’t want to keep waiting anymore.” He cries.

“Why would we ever leave you, Beomgyu-ah?” Yeonjun says, his voice shaking.

“I’m sorry. Don’t walk away from me. I’ll do anything, just stay.” He rambles on.

“We would never.” Taehyun adds. “You can just be you, Beomgyu-hyung. And we will still stay.” Huening joins the hug.

“Really?” Beomgyu’s voice comes out as a whisper.

“You don’t need to wait anymore, we’re here now.” Taehyun says.

It’s like all the burden on his shoulder slipped away. He finally found his lights again. He can finally breathe.

Then he lets go.

Chapter Text

Beomgyu wakes up to the sound of beeping. The moment he opens his eyes, he feels his heart drop. Was it just another dream? He was with them just now. Why is he all alone again? In this foreign place. He feels something attached to his wrist, and in a panic, he tries to remove it. But just when he is about to, he sees a sticky note on his arm. “Do not pull this off!” It’s Taehyun’s writing, he recognizes. Confused, he begins to look around. “Taehyun-ah?” He calls out timidly. And then he notices that the room is scattered with colourful sticky notes here and there. A pink note on the bed side table. “Don’t be scared if we’re not around. Will be back soon.” Another note on the blanket, “We’re probably somewhere nearby, it wouldn’t take long.”

He carefully steps out from the bed. A blue note on the wall, “Hyung, did you see the toto plushy?” He looks around. There is indeed a parrot doll that looks exactly like his Toto on the chair. Stuck onto the doll, the note says, “Let’s go visit Toto together sometimes!” Beomgyu lets out a genuine smile. He has forgotten how long it has been since the last time he truly smiled. “Ah, hyung! You’re awake!” He turns to the source of sound, his maknae, who immediately attacks him with a hug. “Yah, get back to bed. Why are you standing here!” Yeonjun exclaims.

“You didn’t think we’re leaving you, did you?” Huening says.

Beomgyu smiles and shakes his head. “You guys left me notes.”

Yeonjun pats Beomgyu’s head, “Yeah we did. Gosh, I miss your smile.”

“Is this real?” Beomgyu asks.

“Of course, it is!” Yeonjun pinches Beomgyu and he winces in pain. “Hyung! That’s not how you should treat a patient!”

Beomgyu lets out a chuckle. “It’s okay, I know it’s real now. Uh, where are the others?”

“First, get back to bed.” Yeonjun orders. “The manager doesn’t let us all stay here, so we’re taking turn. Ah, talking about them, Huening-ah, let them know our Beommie is awake.”

“Taking turn?”

“Do you even know how long you’ve been passed out?”

Beomgyu shakes his head.

“A day, you dummy. You passed out yesterday, your fever even spiked up at the night which scared the hell out of Soobin and Taehyun who were with you last night.” Yeonjun sighs.
“And your fever was already high enough when you passed out yesterday!” Huening adds after texting Soobin and Taehyun. “We’re so sorry for not noticing that you’re sick. And for not noticing that… you’re so in pain.” Yeonjun apologizes.

Beomgyu shakes his head again. “I didn’t think it will end up like this too.”

“Hyung, can I go home?” Beomgyu asks. “You can tell them not to come over. We can just go back?”

Yeonjun frowns. “We would prefer to keep you in watch here though.”

“Yeah, you haven’t fully recovered. Still a little warm when I hug you earlier, what if your fever spikes up again like last night?” Huening adds.

“I, uh, I just don’t like it here. The beeping, and the smell, it’s kind of overwhelming.” Beomgyu says as he fidgets at the hem of his hospital gown. “And I want to spend time together, at our dorm. Our home.”

Yeonjun sighs. “Only if the doctor approves, okay?” With that, Yeonjun leaves the room.

“Hyung, can I sit next to you?” Huening asks.

Beomgyu smiles, patting the space next to him on his bed and the youngest immediately snuggles up with the older. “Hyung, I hope you will only have days when you’re happy.” Huening says. “I hope you never go asleep doubting yourself. I hope you will always feel loved, especially by us. There is no tomorrow without you, hyung. We’re only Tomorrow by Together when we’re five.”

“Really? I don’t want to be dragging you guys down.”

“Don’t be silly. I don’t think we could even live without you.” Huening replies. “You should see how panic we all were when you passed out. Taehyun cried. Our eldest and leader are fussing so much that it reached the media.”

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. “The what?”

Huening chuckles. “It’s kind of funny know that I’m thinking of it. Basically, Yeonjun hyung was carrying you, we were in a hurry to take you to the hospital so we couldn’t wait for the manager to come over. Soobin hyung was screaming for help, screaming that his brother is really hurt and need to get to the hospital fast. We weren’t really covering ourselves, so a lot of people saw us and it kinda went viral on the social media.”

“Taehyun, the brain of our team, literally stopped working when you passed out. Yeonjun hyung, he’s mixed between angry and worried, it’s funny.”

“Yah! Why aren’t you saying anything about yourself?” Yeonjun adds when he’s back to the room. “Hueningie literally hijacked a taxi for you. The woman had already entered the taxi but he rushed into it as well and managed to talk to the woman so we can take the taxi instead. Gosh I thought he was going to be driven away with a stranger.”

Beomgyu giggles.

“So you should know now, the whole media is the proof of how much you mean to us.” Yeonjun smiles. “I still couldn’t bring myself to see the video going around, I think I’m going to be so ashamed at myself.” Yeonjun facepalms.

“Yeah, it was all screams and tears yesterday. We probably looked like a bunch of mess.” Huening laughs.

“Sorry I caused you guys trouble.” Beomgyu says.

“What? No hyung! You’re no trouble.” Huening quickly retorts.

“No, you gonna pay us for all the trouble you caused.” Yeonjun says. “So you better repay us well by getting better and happier, okay? Now, let’s go home.” He adds.

-----

To be honest, he’s a little nervous when he’s about to get home. The place hasn’t been a warm place for him lately, but now knowing that he’s never alone, Beomgyu gains a little courage. “Aigoo, our Beomgyu!” Soobin hugs him almost immediately, he hasn’t even put a foot into their home yet. “Hyung, do you feel better now?” Taehyun asks.

Beomgyu nods. “Still a little low-grade fever, but the doctor says he should be fine after taking the medicines and have plenty of rest.” Yeonjun explains.

“You’re never leaving my watch ever again.” Soobin says.

The boys spend their evening hanging around Beomgyu, it was all he ever wanted. It’s finally home again. He’s saved. After a long time of waiting in the dark, they finally found him. It turns out that he was never alone. It was just his mind playing tricks on him.

“Hey, hyung.” Taehyun says as he sits down next to him while the other members are busy preparing dinner. “I hope you know you can talk to us for anything.” He adds. “You know, we did notice that these days, you’re a little… different.”

“And us, being stupid and all, we didn’t know what to do. Soobin hyung thought that you needed space. And we didn’t know that it wasn’t the right choice. We all thought that you’ll be fine, that you’ll come back to us after clearing whatever is in your head. We should have tried harder; we should have fought harder for you. We did notice everything, but we couldn’t bring ourselves to express it to you. When you went home earlier alone that day, we should’ve have just held your hand and took you to that café with us. When you said you had already eaten, we should’ve just said ‘no you didn’t, let’s eat together’, because we knew that you lied. How could you have eaten ramyeon when there wasn’t any empty ramyeon packaging in sight. And that incident in the practice room, Yeonjun-hyung didn’t mean to say it like that. You know how he is, sometimes he’s a little harsh at words, because he cares. He was just worried that you kept everything to yourself, he was just scared of losing you. He scared that the Choi Beomgyu of TXT will be gone and we wouldn’t be able to cope without hyung. He just wants you to speak up and tell us what’s hurting. But that dumbass hyung doesn’t know how to choose the right words.”

“You’re anything but selfish. You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever known. Since the day we met you, you’ve always been giving your all to us. You’ve always been making sure that we’re loved. Whether it’s by gift, or just by your words, you always make us feel enough. You tell us to put ourselves as a priority, that we, ourselves, matter the most. I hope you know that that is what we want for you too.” Taehyun says, smiling with tears in his eyes. “Don’t give out life jackets when you’re the one drowning, hyung.”

Beomgyu lets his tears flow freely. He doesn’t know when it started. He had always thought of himself as the cheerful kid, and right now, he doesn’t know what happened to the little kid inside him. Everything feels distanced, he’s always stuck in his own head. It feels like nobody wants him anymore. He felt so loved. But suddenly, everything became cold and lonely. “It feels like I’m frozen in time, while everyone moving on happily, Taehyun-ah.” He cries.

“We should have called out to you,” Soobin says. Unknowing to Beomgyu, the members have already gathered around him. “I thought giving you space was the right thing to do. It must have been lonely. I’m sorry.” He adds.

“I’m sorry for being harsh. Saying that you didn’t try enough when I was the one doing so. I didn’t even notice you were sick, and I said those mean things to you.” Yeonjun can’t even make himself to look at Beomgyu in his eyes. “You will never lose us, hyung. So never think that you’re alone, because you will never be.” Huening says.

Beomgyu is sobbing like a child. But this time he’s crying happy tears, knowing that he’s loved. He’s surrounded by his family. “Please, tell us, whenever you’re hurt, whenever you’re upset. We’re all kind of level of stupid so sometimes we might not catch that. Us too, need you to call out to us. And we will listen. Because you’re a part of us.” Taehyun says.

“Beomgyu-ah, if you ever need a sign to remember that you’re loved, that you’re needed, it’s your name. When we call your name, just come to us. Tell us everything inside your head, good or bad, we will be here for you. We might not always express it well, but you’re loved.” Soobin gently wipes the tears from Beomgyu’s cheeks.

“Till the end of the world, we will love you. All of you. It’s all or nothing.” Taehyun smiles.

Since that day, the members make sure to give Beomgyu all the signs and affirmation he needs. Whenever they’re live and some members don’t respond to him, one of the members will notice and let him know that the others have heard him well. When he’s fiddling something alone, someone will tell the others to pay attention to him. He’s slowly gaining the confidence, slowly regaining the warmth in his heart, the cheer his voice, the happiness in his eyes.

“Choi Beomgyu! What are you doing, let’s go!”

Beomgyu smiles. Now he finally knows that it will all be fine. Just his name, it’s the sign and all the affirmation he will ever need. Just a call of his name, he knows he can run back to them.