Archive of Our Own

To Yangyang Liu — April 2020

Dear Yangyang,

This is far from romantic, but our hands brushed for a brief moment when I handed you the scalpel to cut through the mandible during our frog dissection.

And I’m sure you didn’t feel a thing, but I still remember where your fingers teased mine through the material of our gloves. All it took was a simple “thanks, Donghyuck” and a smile full of your cute teeth to have me tripping over my words.

You would ace our bio tests without studying, and usually I despise people like that, but I just couldn’t bring myself to feel that way about you—especially when you’d catch my eye with a quick wink and mouth the correct answer when I needed help.

You’re charming, Yangyang, and I’m so enamored with you that I lay awake at night and imagine what it would feel like to bump your shoe with mine under the table just to have you look up through the gaps in your white-blonde hair and share a secret smile with me.

You’ve got me trapped within your teeth, Yangyang Liu, and I’m not sure when you’ll let go.

Love,

Donghyuck Lee

— - —

The letters are stupid.

He started them as a lovestruck middle schooler, and the habit stuck. Doesn’t mean he’s proud of them or anything, but some lines make Donghyuck stop and realize that damn, maybe he’s actually a good writer sometimes. Scoot over, Jane Austen.

Except the letters are for his eyes only. Writing them is like a ritual for him, an exorcism for his feelings when they get too strong.

So in the back of his closet sits five embarrassing, blush-inducing, hide-your-face-in-your-hands love letters in an old red christmas cookie tin.

Fucking love letters.

Actually, Jane Austen can suck his dick, because who else is writing letters over their romantic interests like it’s the nineteenth century? Donghyuck. Only Donghyuck.

Still—

“God, these are so fucking stupid,” Donghyuck groans to himself, sitting in his closet with a mess of clothes and random shit around him. He tosses the peach-colored envelope back into the tin.

“What’s fucking stupid?” His brother says, coming into Donghyuck’s room without knocking. Not even a shred of privacy exists in this house. He hurriedly shoves the box under a giant cable knit turtleneck, hiding it from Doyoung’s view.

“Cleaning my room is fucking stupid,” he says, looking up from his spot on the floor.

Doyoung comes around his bed to take a seat across from him, smiling. “No, it’s not. It’s good to have a clean room. Stimulates the brain.”

“Stimulates the brain,” Donghyuck does a poor imitation of his brother, throwing finger quotations around the words. “Your fancy pre-med advice is not enough to motivate me to clean up this mess.” He tosses a lone sock across his room. At least that’s clean.

Doyoung laughs. “How about we switch. You go help dad with dinner and I’ll clear up some clothes around here,” he offers, eyeing the ‘clean jeans’ pile that Donghyuck had made for himself in the corner next to his desk.

“Yes, please,” Donghyuck groans. Setting the dining table sounds eons better than whatever he’s doing right now. He gets up, his knees cracking with the movement.

Doyoung raises an eyebrow at him. “Are you getting old or are you not doing your stretches properly after practice?”

“Neither. I was just sitting too long in the closet, that’s all.”

“I thought you came out last year, though?” Doyoung taps a finger against his chin.

Donghyuck throws a pillow at him before leaving the room, his brother’s muffled scream following him out.

—

Doyoung sighs after his brother shuts the door behind him. He picks up the ugliest chunky sweater he’s ever seen and throws it on the floor outside of the closet. That one’s going to charity for sure.

A crimson-colored box falls out from underneath, and he picks it up, curiosity piqued. He pops the cover off.

Five letters rest inside, wrapped in light red envelopes, addresses printed on the front in Donghyuck’s neatest handwriting. Some of the names are familiar.

Doyoung rolls his eyes. Leave it up to Donghyuck to write letters for his friends and forget to send them.

He’ll just have to mail them out himself.

— - —

To Shotaro Osaki — November 2018

Dear Shotaro,

I’ve never felt this many polarizing feelings at once, and it’s sending my brain and heart into overdrive, trying to sort them all out. Guilt, infatuation, heartbreak. You’ve given all these emotions to me and I don’t know what to do with them.

I really liked you, Shotaro. I still do. I’m writing this letter because I know it’s wrong. Because once I get my feelings onto paper, they usually disappear, and I’m hoping you don’t break that pattern.

I love watching you dance. You’ve got so much talent packed into you, and you let it all out on the dance floor. Sungchan took me to one of your studio’s showcases, and I watched with poorly concealed love and awe as you moved from genre to genre.

Your Japanese-tinted English makes me feel warm, your smile burns through my retinas. But none of these things are meant for me, not anymore. Of course it hurts on the other side of unrequited love, but I can’t help but be happy for you and Sungchan. You both fit together so well. Sungchan doesn’t smile that wide for just anyone.

You’re special, Shotaro. Always will be.

Love,

Donghyuck Lee

— - —

Donghyuck’s life ends on the first Friday of senior year.

He’s being dramatic, but hyperbolizing his life makes everything so much more interesting, doesn’t it?

The principal drags all the seniors into the gym for a morning assembly to remind them of their accomplishments. “You’ve made it this far! Make this year your best, seniors! Celebrate with senior pride!”

Donghyuck is always tired and gay, but that doesn’t seem to be the ‘senior pride’ his principal is raving about. He sits, crammed in the bleachers, and scrolls through social media as Giselle uses his shoulder as a pillow. It’s astonishing how she can sleep through the sounds of claps and shouts from the students.

Everyone files out of the gymnasium afterwards, Giselle waking up and shoving a stick of gum into her mouth as they wait for the main swarm of students to leave through the double doors.

Outside, Sungchan waits for them, face splitting into a smile once he catches sight of the two. He walks over, seamlessly throwing an arm around Donghyuck.

“How was the assembly?” He asks, grinning down at Donghyuck. “Inspiring? Rejuvenating? Did it strike ambition into your heart?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes as they start down the hallway, ten minutes to spare before their next class. “None of the above. And I wouldn’t bother asking ‘miss sleepy’ over here, either. Slept through the whole thing like a fucking sloth.”

Beside him, Giselle snorts. “Yeah, sorry. I was up late last night with a college app crisis. Called Renjun for help, but he was not helpful one bit.” She shakes her head, mock dissatisfaction on her face.

“What? You should’ve called me, I could’ve helped you,” Donghyuck offers.

Giselle side-eyes him distastefully. “Yeah, right. We all know you only go to bed at two after staying up playing League of Legends or something,” she retorts.

“Excuse me, I was up playing Fortnite, not League.”

Sungchan laughs. “That’s even worse.” His phone vibrates in the pocket of his jeans, and he fishes it out.

“Ah, Renjun says he can’t meet us. ‘Caught up with theater stuff,’” Sungchan reads off his phone.

“Damn. Theater should be classified as an extreme sport at this point,” Giselle says. “It’s only the first week of school and he’s already swamped with auditions.” Donghyuck nods sympathetically.

“Sho’s driving me home after practice, so hopefully I can catch Renjun after school,” Sungchan says, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“Yeah? How are you and Shotaro doing?” Giselle inquires. It’s been a while since Shotaro has been able to hang out with the rest of them—a long trip to Japan taking up all his time during the summer.

Donghyuck is immediately drawn to the way Sungchan hesitates before answering.

“We’re… we’re doing great right now,” he says, but his words are reluctant to come out.

“... But?” Donghyuck knows there’s more going unsaid.

Sungchan grimaces, uncertainty painting his face. “But… I’m—I’m scared. A little.” Giselle and Donghyuck look at him patiently.

“I haven’t talked to Sho about this because it seems kinda stupid, but I’m so scared that this year could be our last. He graduates with the rest of you guys, and I’ll be—left behind. That means we have to break up soon, right?” He avoids their eyes, boring holes into the ground as they come to a stop in the art hallway.

Oh. Giselle wraps her arms around Sungchan with a pout. He leans into her, needing the support. Donghyuck rests a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, Sungchan. Shotaro graduating does not mean you have to break up with him, okay?” Donghyuck tells him. “It’s not the same, but I felt a similar way when Doyoung moved away for college. It feels like… like your world is changing. And that change is happening without your permission.”

Sungchan nods, one corner of his mouth quirking up. “How dare the world change without my permission?” he jokes. “But thanks, Donghyuck. I’ll talk to him soon.”

“Communication is key,” Giselle advises him.

“Isn’t that from a movie or something?” Sungchan asks as he looks down, still trapped in her sideways hug.

“Oh, so when Donghyuck gives you advice, it’s ‘thanks so much, Donghyuck, you’re such a good friend’ but when I tell you something, it’s ‘you just took that from a movie,’” she complains, and Donghyuck bursts into laughter, solemnity slipping away from their conversation easily.

—

Donghyuck traps the flapping pages of his notebook under his phone before turning back to his document. Just one more measly conclusion paragraph before he can submit his paper.

He was lucky enough to snag one of the outdoor picnic tables, working on his english essay before Renjun could join him for lunch and subsequently help him with his conclusion. They work perfectly that way—Renjun helps him with essay writing and Donghyuck gives him his handwritten AP Biology flashcards before a test.

But Renjun’s late today, so Donghyuck half-asses a conclusion on his own. He’ll have Renjun read it later or something.

“Uh—Donghyuck, right?”

Donghyuck looks up to see the last person he expected. In front of him stands all five feet and ten inches of Jeno Lee—power forward on the basketball team, Asian Student Union officer, and the recipient of Donghyuck’s third love letter.

Donghyuck arches an eyebrow at him. “Yeah, that’s me.” He watches as Jeno shifts his weight from one foot to the other, the wind tousling his raven hair the slightest bit. “Is… is there something you need?” He asks slowly. He and Jeno don’t talk. Ever.

Jeno takes a seat across from him, wincing with awkwardness and hesitancy. “Look, I’m really flattered that you… really like my smile. And my jawline. But Kimberly and I just split, like, two weeks ago and—” he stops as Donghyuck interrupts him, holding a hand up.

“I am so sorry, but what the fuck are you talking about?” He asks. Jeno must’ve gotten the wrong person. Donghyuck doesn’t understand anything coming out of his mouth.

“The letter!” And Jeno digs into the back pocket of his dark jeans and pulls out a familiar light red envelope, setting it down on the table.

Donghyuck thinks he’s too young to experience cardiac arrest.

“Holy shit. Holy shit. Where did you get that?” He feels faint.

Jeno looks confused. “What do you mean? I got it in the mail. From you.”

Donghyuck’s mind races as he sits in shock. How could his letters possibly leave his closet? Who would do this? Does he have any enemies? Was it a family member? Was it him? Maybe he was sleepwalking and shipped the letters out.

Before he can open his mouth to say anything, Donghyuck notices white-blonde hair in the corner of his eye and spares a glance away from Jeno.

“Oh, fuck,” he says, dread filling his bones at the sight of Yangyang Liu walking towards him with a coral-red envelope in his hand. This might be the worst day of his life. Donghyuck wrote him a love letter over a fucking frog dissection. How is he supposed to talk to him?

“What’s wrong?” Jeno asks, looking from side to side.

Donghyuck looks at Jeno, and the stupidest idea pops into his brain. Don’t do it, Donghyuck, a voice that sounds suspiciously like Doyoung’s says in his brain, but it’s too late.

After all, spontaneity is the father of fantastic ideas, or whatever that saying is.

Donghyuck sucks in a deep breath, grabbing Jeno’s hand across the table. He looks back at him, startled.

“Jeno, this is gonna sound crazy, but I have to kiss you. It’s an emergency.”

Jeno’s face goes through a million different emotions before letting out a puzzled “What?” a second before Donghyuck’s fingers curl around his jaw and pull him forward, connecting their lips.

Jeno’s lips are soft and plush, and kissing him shoots dopamine into Donghyuck’s veins, leaving him heady with want. Jeno’s fingers grasp at his shirt, pulling him closer across the table as he licks into Donghyuck’s mouth. Damn, does Jeno Lee know how to kiss.

They must look obscene, making out at a picnic table during lunch, and it’s that thought that makes Donghyuck pull away with a gasp a moment later, his eyes flying open. Jeno looks back at him, and wow, he should not look that good with spit-slicked lips.

“Thanks,” Donghyuck says, breathless as he looks around. Yangyang’s gone. He lets out an exhale of relief.

Jeno gives him a small smile, tilting his head. “Am I gonna get an explanation anytime soon? Or…” he trails off.

Donghyuck fights a blush as he thinks of how to rationally say “I kissed you in order to avoid confrontation from the boy I had a crush on last spring” without sounding fucking crazy.

“What the fuck did I just see.” Renjun slams his lunch onto the table, staring at Donghyuck, and then Jeno.

Donghyuck crosses his arms on the table. “Depends on how much you saw,” he says nonchalantly.

“What I saw,” Renjun says, sliding in next to Donghyuck, “was you canoodling with Jeno Lee in broad daylight.”

Before he or Jeno can protest, Renjun continues, digging around in his backpack for something. “And maybe all of that could be excusable, if it weren’t for this.” He slaps a familiar envelope onto the table, this time with his own address on the front.

Jeno’s eyes widen. “You got one too?” he asks.

Donghyuck groans. “You’ve gotta be kidding me.” How could he forget Renjun's letter?

“I’m his best friend, of course I got a fucking letter. Who do you think he loved first?” Renjun hisses at Jeno.

“Okay, okay, calm down,” Donghyuck placates, pulling on Renjun’s arm until he leans back into his seat.

Donghyuck has no idea what to do. Does he just… spill everything to Renjun and Jeno? He can’t. He barely knows Jeno apart from their obligatory proximity through the Korean community.

He grimaces. “Actually, Jeno, you think you could give us a moment?” He gestures between him and Renjun.

And Jeno, bless his heart, nods understandingly as he gets up from his seat. “I get it. Catch you later, Donghyuck.”

“Sorry for, uh, kissing you,” Donghyuck says to his retreating back. Jeno turns around and waves him off with a smirk that races down Donghyuck’s spine and settles into his gut.

Renjun whistles as he turns back to him on the picnic bench, one all-knowing eyebrow pulled up. Donghyuck wants to shove him to the ground.

“What?” he grouses.

Renjun shrugs. “Nothing. I didn’t say anything.” He crosses his arms. “In fact, you’re the one who has to explain a few things.” He nods towards the envelope on the table.

And so Donghyuck lets out a sigh through his nose and tells Renjun everything. Five letters, five crushes. Renjun has one letter, Jeno has another, Yangyang has the latest one, and the other two went to Jaemin Na and Shotaro.

“Oh shit.” Donghyuck looks up with wide eyes. Shotaro.

Renjun’s eyes stare back at him, equally shocked. “No way. Shotaro?”

Donghyuck nods, embarrassed. “Around the time Sungchan started dating him, too.”

“Oh my god.” And it’s all so stupidly dramatic that Renjun can’t help but laugh nervously.

“Listen, it’s not actually that big of a mess, alright?” He reassures Donghyuck. “It all happened two years ago. Sungchan’s no Type A to hold a grudge or something. Just talk to Shotaro.”

Talking. Donghyuck can manage that.

—

The clock hits 2:40, and Donghyuck sits anxiously behind his laptop, waiting for Shotaro to walk into the library for his open hour.

He’s not nervous, he’s more… embarrassed. There are five guys in this school who now know Donghyuck had the hots for them in high school, and he’s only (barely) cleared things up with one of them.

Damn. Who's doing senior year like him? He can’t even laugh about it, either, because Shotaro walks into the library and immediately spots Donghyuck, waving at him with a smile. Oh god.

Donghyuck sees the letter in Shotaro’s hands and panics panics panics and his heart beats faster with fear and his mind races with Sungchan’s words—“I’m so scared that this year could be our last” and so Donghyuck—

“I have a boyfriend,” he blurts out as Shotaro comes within earshot. Several heads turn at the volume of his voice and he fights hard to keep his face from turning scarlet.

“That’s—that’s great, Donghyuck,” Shotaro says, visibly confused at why Donghyuck is shouting his relationship status at him. “Do I know him or something?”

And fuck, Donghyuck didn’t think this far. But apparently he’s a serial liar now, so he just smiles at Shotaro, words leaping off his tongue easily as his consciousness screams within him. “Yeah, you might. You know Jeno Lee?”

Shotaro’s eyes widen. “Oh, of course! Jeno’s my neighbor. That’s so nice to hear, Donghyuck.” He smiles, eyes curving sweetly, and that’s the problem, isn’t it? Shotaro is too kind. Donghyuck wrote him a confession letter at the same time he started dating one of Donghyuck’s best friends, and he’s here, being supportive of Donghyuck’s new fake relationship instead of cussing him out.

So Donghyuck makes his first correct decision all day and gestures for Shotaro to take a seat across from him. Sometimes it’s better to just bite the bullet.

“You’re here about the letter, aren’t you.” He doesn’t bother to ask it like a question.

Shotaro nods as he settles into the chair, placing the envelope onto the table.

Donghyuck grimaces. “I’m so sorry about this. It was all so long ago, and the letters were never supposed to see the light of day. I swear, I don’t have any romantic feelings for you. Anymore.” He cringes at his words. Donghyuck regrets writing all the letters, but he regrets this one the most.

“It’s okay, Donghyuck,” Shotaro reassures him. “I know the letter was written a few years ago. I’m sure Sungchan won’t mind.”

And this is where Donghyuck has to plead like his dignity is on the line.

“I know this is a lot to ask of you, but could you please, please, not tell Sungchan about the letter?”

“...Why?”

Donghyuck won’t reveal Sungchan’s insecurities over their relationship. That’s crossing a line. “He’s just been having a hard time. Junior year is a lot, you know? AP classes and standardized testing…” he trails off, hoping to have made his point. “He doesn’t need another issue on his plate.”

Shotaro stares at him for a moment before sighing. “I… I suppose I don’t have to talk to him about this right now. But you need to know, you didn’t actually write anything incriminating in the letter.”

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “Really?” He can’t remember what he wrote.

Shotaro nods. “You—you definitely felt guilty. Mentioned that you’d get over me once you wrote the letter.” Donghyuck watches as he rubs the back of his neck, feeling shy. “And then you… well, I didn’t know you could write like that, Donghyuck. You're a very talented writer.”

Oh god, Donghyuck wishes he could disappear. Melt into the floor like the mind flayer from Stranger Things, or turn into a piece of paper and float away like he’s Flat Stanley.

“Once again, I’m so sorry,” he laments.

Shotaro waves him off in the nicest way possible. “Don’t worry. If anything, it was flattering.” He flashes a small smile at him. Donghyuck laughs through his embarrassment.

Shotaro glances at the clock above the librarian’s desk. “I gotta get going soon,” he admits, “but I wanted to know if you’d like to keep the letter? Or should I…”

“I’ll take it,” Donghyuck says, ego floating in the wind as Shotaro pushes the letter across the table.

“Thanks, Shotaro. I owe you, big time,” he says as he holds the letter up.

Shotaro smiles, and with a small wave, leaves the library.

That’s when Donghyuck realizes he just lied about dating Jeno Lee.

—

“Fuck, marry, kill—Dev Patel, Steven Yeun, Daniel Kaluuya,” Renjun says, sipping his strawberry milkshake. Cathy’s Diner is half empty, and Renjun and Donghyuck have claimed the luncheonette for themselves, their backpacks and Donghyuck’s volleyball duffel packed into the bar stools next to them.

“You know what, Renjun? Fuck you,” Donghyuck bites back, eyes narrowed. That’s his ultimate man trio—he’d rather chew his own fingernails off than kill one of them. Even if it’s theoretical.

“After the letter you wrote me? I’m starting to believe you want to.”

Donghyuck’s jaw drops in disbelief.

“I was thirteen!” he hisses, as Renjun bursts into laughter, trying to dodge Donghyuck’s jabbing fingers at his sides.

“What was it again? ‘Oh, Renjun, you’re so pretty. I love that you’re my best friend, but I wish you could be more,’” he recites dramatically. Cathy hides a smile as she pretends not to eavesdrop at the register.

Donghyuck’s entire face burns. He slaps his hand across Renjun’s mouth and winces as he immediately licks a stripe across it.

“God, you’re disgusting,” Donghyuck hisses. “Would it kill you to be quiet for once?” Renjun shakes his head, and Donghyuck can feel his smile against his wet palm. Gross.

“Fine. You win, neanderthal,” Donghyuck says, pulling his hand away. “I’m gonna go wash my hands. Watch my stuff.” Renjun rolls his eyes but obeys, turning to Cathy to ask about her day as she moves to wipe down the countertop.

When Donghyuck gets back from the bathroom, his seat is occupied by the last person he wants to see.

“Hey, Jeno.” Donghyuck ignores how Renjun ducks into his milkshake to hide the stupid grin on his face. He’s seen Jeno Lee twice today, and that’s two more times than he would like.

Jeno smiles, eyes curving sweetly. “Hey, Donghyuck. I hope you don’t mind me crashing your hangout, but I felt like we should talk a little more about… you know…”

“Yeah, I agree,” Donghyuck says quickly, just so Jeno doesn’t finish his sentence.

“And that’s my cue to leave,” Renjun says, getting up from his seat and slinging his backpack onto his shoulder. He throws a wink at Donghyuck before he leaves.

Donghyuck turns back to Jeno. “So, what did you want to talk about?”

Jeno simply raises an eyebrow at him. “I’m really lost here,” he starts. “I basically get this… love letter in the mail, and then when I come to talk to you, you kiss me in front of the whole school, and then ask to speak to Renjun instead, and I’m left in the dark. So, Donghyuck—” he crosses his arms and leans back in his seat— “I think you should tell me what we should talk about.”

Donghyuck’s brain short circuits. He didn’t know Jeno could be… intimidating. At all. Dressed in dark denim and an equally dark polo shirt with the slightest frown on his face, he paints a fierce picture. Frankly, Donghyuck’s a little turned on.

He clears his throat. “You’re right. I’m sorry, and I owe you an explanation.” He takes a deep breath and pushes the rest of the words out. “I kissed you because I saw another guy with his letter walking towards me and panicked.”

Jeno’s eyes widen. “There’s more? It’s not just me and Renjun that got letters?”

“There are five letters, Jeno,” Donghyuck says, failing to hide his smile.

“Five?” Jeno looks incredulous, his mouth open in shock. It’s honestly kind of cute. And somehow that’s the thought that reminds Donghyuck of what he told Shotaro that afternoon.

“Hold on, Jeno. I need to tell you something,” Donghyuck says, resting a hand on Jeno’s arm.

“Well, it can’t be more shocking than what you’ve already told me,” Jeno shrugs.

Donghyuck winces. “It kinda is. I told someone you’re my boyfriend.” He explains the rest of the ordeal as quickly as he can, watching Jeno’s face go through the five stages of grief. He braces himself for the worst rejection he’s ever experienced.

“Look, Donghyuck, if it was any other time, I wouldn’t actually care if you had said all this. I can understand your situation,” he explains, “but Kim and I just split. She’d hate it if I were to get into another relationship so quickly.”

Ahh, Kimberly Scott. She and Jeno have been on and off for the past six months, their latest breakup held at the combo Dairy Queen and Holiday gas station. Donghyuck hadn’t been there, but Renjun had been filling up the tank in his Toyota, gawking as Kim had dumped her blizzard on Jeno’s head.

“...And you’re looking to get back together?” Donghyuck asks, raising an eyebrow. If anyone ever got cookies and cream in his hair, they’d get a mouthful of the sand in his volleyball shoes in return.

Jeno sighs. “Yeah, I am.”

Okay, you do you, Donghyuck thinks. “You don’t seem too excited about that,” he offers, hesitantly.

“It’s just,” he pauses, finding his words, “I don’t know how to get her back. She… she’s petty, and rude, and gets jealous over everyone and—”

“Real admirable qualities there,” Donghyuck interjects, taking a sip of his milkshake. Why would a guy like Jeno want to be with someone who’s terribly rude and controlling and jealous? Maybe Kim’s a good kisser. If she’s the one who taught Jeno to kiss like that, then no wonder—

Donghyuck’s lips tingle. Yeah, that’s enough.

He focuses back on the conversation, and picks up on something else.

“Wait, Jeno. You said Kim gets jealous easily?” Donghyuck asks, puzzle pieces snagging together in his mind.

“Yeah,” Jeno frowns. “I barely even know her friends. She always drags me away if I’m talking to someone too long.”

“Well, say you hypothetically get a fake boyfriend,” Donghyuck says slowly, leaning forward. “Wouldn’t she—hypothetically—get extremely jealous and want you back?”

Jeno’s eyes narrow. “And what would you get out of doing this?” he asks.

“I need a fake boyfriend right now to let everyone else with a letter know that I don’t have feelings for them. Especially since I lied to Shotaro. You’d be helping me, too,” Donghyuck explains. He watches the cogs in Jeno’s brain turn.

Eventually, Jeno sighs. “Fine,” he says, sticking a hand out. “You got me.”

Donghyuck grins. “Pleasure doing business with you, my new fake boyfriend.”

The two of them shake hands, sealing the deal.

— - —

donghyuck & jeno’s relationship contract

the rules and regulations of donghyuck lee and jeno lee’s relationship, outlined by both parties on an unfolded beige napkin from cathy’s diner (made of 100% recyclable material)

1. this is a fake relationship.

2. contract lasts for as long as needed. (until kim comes running back, begging and pleading for jeno to “please, please take me back, jeno! i love you and i’m sorry i got melted ice cream down your shirt” apologizes)

3. the relationship must be convincing.

a. this allows for hand-holding, hugs, and kisses. nothing more tho, i think jeno has cooties (what, are you five years old, donghyuck?)

b. also includes coming to each other’s games as supportive boyfriends (volleyball for donghyuck and basketball for jeno, respectively)

4. only one renjun huang and one jaemin na are to be told of this farce. anyone else is to believe both parties are in a real relationship. (on the off chance that chenle zhong is reading this, first of all: put this down. stop reading my shit! second: you’re still my best friend. but you’re also a terrible blabbermouth, so i’m telling jaemin instead.)

5. if either party catches feelings for anyone else, they are free to end the relationship at any time.

signed,

donghyuck & jeno

— - —

Dating Jeno is… something else.

On Monday, Donghyuck shuts his locker and comes face to face with him, smiling in a thin turtleneck and plaid pants.

“Didn’t know it was Steve Jobs cosplay day,” Donghyuck says, hiking his backpack onto his shoulder. Jeno makes quite the sexy Steve Jobs, but he’ll never tell.

Jeno’s smile grows wider. “I even have the glasses, wanna see?”

“No.” The glasses might make things worse for Donghyuck. “Why are you here, anyway?”

Jeno pouts, pushing off the lockers and slinging an arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder. “I wanted to walk you to class,” he says.

“Aww, you’re such a good boyfriend,” Donghyuck says, tilting his head up slightly to look at him.

“Just doing my job,” Jeno replies, shooting him an eye smile. Donghyuck laughs at that, the double meaning not lost on him.

One thing Donghyuck overlooked when he signed up to be Jeno’s fake boyfriend was the fact that Jeno is popular. Popular enough that when they both stop in front of Donghyuck’s econ classroom, people’s heads turn. And when Jeno leans in to brush a kiss against Donghyuck’s cheek with a soft see you later, the whispers start.

Oh, this was going to be fun.

—

On Tuesday, Donghyuck presses a kiss to a folded note and slips it into Jeno’s jacket pocket at his lunch table, walking away with a wink and a smile as Jeno’s friends all jostle him around and swat at his arms, teasing. Jaemin Na laughs beside him, regarding Donghyuck with a shared secret between them.

Wednesday sees Donghyuck and Jeno sitting on the empty football bleachers during Donghyuck’s open hour, Jeno doubled over in laughter as Donghyuck tells him about his embarrassing childhood stories. His laughter is contagious, and Donghyuck feels warm inside and out.

On Thursday, they don’t see each other, busy with their own schedules. Donghyuck, sweaty and tired from volleyball practice that afternoon, opens his duffel to find a bottle of orange gatorade, ‘stay hydrated! — J’ written in Jeno’s increasingly familiar handwriting and sharpied onto the side. Sungchan nudges him with an elbow, smiling as he swallows water. “That’s sweet of him,” he says, pointing to the writing with his water bottle. Yeah, Donghyuck thinks, staring at the drink. Jeno’s really sweet.

—

Friday is game day, and Donghyuck catches Jeno by the arm as they pass by each other in the hallway that morning.

“Hey, are you still coming tonight?”

Jeno blinks. “Yeah, of course,” he says, before his voice turns flirty. “After that note you gave me in front of everyone? How could I not?”

Donghyuck fights a blush and fails. “Okay, see you at six, then. Bye.” He starts back down the hallway.

“Bye, Hyuck,” Jeno calls after him, a smile audible in his voice, and Donghyuck thanks the universe that he turned around before he could see the nickname slip through Jeno’s lips.

—

Volleyball games usually don’t pack the gym, especially not boy’s volleyball. But when Donghyuck steps onto the court, the crowd looks bigger than it usually is.

“Are we playing for State or something and nobody told me?” Donghyuck asks, leaning into Sungchan.

He shrugs. “No idea. Maybe they’re here because it’s the first home game?” His eyes scan the bleachers until he spots Shotaro, immediately jogging over to him. Donghyuck rolls his eyes with a smile as he watches them.

Shotaro adjusts the sweatband under Sungchan’s bangs with a soft smile and something pangs within Donghyuck’s chest. It’s been years since he’s held feelings for Shotaro, but he wishes he had someone waiting for him in the stands like Sungchan does.

“Hey, boyfriend.”

Donghyuck whips his head around to see Jeno, dressed down in a brown hoodie and jeans, orange gatorade in his right hand. He’s wearing his glasses tonight, thin-framed and round and absolutely devastating on his face.

“Hey?” It’s not supposed to be a question, but Donghyuck’s so caught off guard that it comes out like one.

Jeno steps closer, tossing the gatorade to Donghyuck. “What, you thought I wouldn’t show?” He smirks.

“No, no. I guess I just forgot,” Donghyuck admits, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Well, I’m here, and I brought my friends, and they brought theirs.” Jeno throws an arm across his shoulders, spinning him around to face the court. Donghyuck squints to see the entirety of the basketball team, junior varsity and benchwarmers included.

Donghyuck arches an eyebrow at Jeno, still stuck in his half-embrace. “No fucking way.” That explains the bigger size of the crowd.

Jeno laughs. “Yes fucking way.”

Coach blows his whistle, signaling for warmups.

“You got this, yeah? Crush the other team,” Jeno says, pulling Donghyuck in and pressing a kiss to the side of his head.

And as Donghyuck jogs over to his coach, his heart threatens to jump out of his chest. He’s got someone waiting for him in the stands, and the feeling is euphoric.

—

Of course, Donghyuck has no other option but to crush the game. It’s tight between the two teams, but a solid pass from one of his teammates has Donghyuck spiking the ball with all the adrenaline in his body, scoring the winning point.

It’s like the shit straight from the movies, and Donghyuck’s smile splits his face open as his teammates crush him in a fierce, mobile hug. He laughs in tandem with the shouts of victory from the bleachers.

His eyes meet Jeno’s, who’s standing on his seat with the biggest smile Donghyuck’s ever seen, and he imagines them running to each other on the court, Donghyuck throwing his arms around Jeno’s neck as he leans in and—

Oh.

Maybe he’s made a mistake.

— - —

To Jaemin Na — November 2019

Dear Jaemin,

We had a rom-com type of meeting, you know? I was in a rush to give the drama department their art supplies before my Global Studies class, and you ran into me. Knocked all my shit over.

And honestly, I was pissed. My arms had been full of Renjun’s poster paint and brushes, and my initial fear was that one of the paint tubes would burst open and get paint all over the hallway.

You immediately dropped to the floor to help me pick everything up. I knew you felt bad, but when I looked up, I couldn’t even hear the apologies coming from your mouth. The only thing I could do was stare at your face—because Jaemin Na, you’re gorgeous. Like lead actor gorgeous.

I think I’m infatuated with you, or at least, the idea of you, because you’re such an enigma. The silent jock, the caring hospital volunteer.

You’re confusing Jaemin, because I’m not sure if I’m infatuated with you or if I just admire who you are. I’ll let you know if I figure it out.

Love,

Donghyuck Lee

P.S. — have you considered becoming an actor? I think you’d be really good at it.

— - —

Like he tends to do with all his other problems, Donghyuck ignores his reignited flame for Jeno.

Look, it’d cause problems, alright? And they’re fake dating right now. Terrible timing for Donghyuck’s feelings to kick in. Inconsiderate, really.

It’s seven p.m. on a Friday night, and Donghyuck is making himself a chicken quesadilla, freshly showered and starving after practice. He’s got no plans tonight but a sexy date with Netflix and his food. He has the house to himself—his dad out at happy hour with his work friends and his mom working a rotation at the hospital.

Honestly, he’s glad for the solitude. Ever since he came out to his family, his mom has been scarce, their relationship even scarcer. Family dinners feel slow and stagnant without Doyoung there to put everyone at ease and change the topic when necessary. Donghyuck is just waiting it out until his mother realizes her son isn’t the one she’s always dreamed of.

His dad really surprised him with his support when Donghyuck came out, a reassuring pat on the back and a “I appreciate you being honest with us, son,” that warmed Donghyuck’s heart and made him blink away tears.

Donghyuck refocuses on the food he’s making.

He’s got a chunk of quesadilla in his mouth—which is delicious, by the way—when the doorbell rings. Donghyuck sighs, taking his food with him to answer the door. He peeks through the sidelight and tries to hide his surprise at who’s outside as he unlocks the door.

“Hey,” Jeno exhales at the sight of him, hands in the pockets of his black denim jacket and a soft smile on his face. He looks nice, dressed for a night out.

“Hi,” he says, and watches as Jeno’s eyes fall onto the food in his hand.

“Did I interrupt dinner? I’m so sorry,” he apologizes.

Donghyuck shakes his head. “Nah. I have the house to myself, I was just gonna watch TV, anyways. Come in,” he says, opening the door wider.

It’s been three weeks since they’ve started their fake relationship, yet neither of them have been to each other’s houses. Donghyuck’s not sure why he’s a little nervous as Jeno slips his shoes off in the foyer.

“How come you’re not out with your friends tonight?” Donghyuck asks, settling against the kitchen island, Jeno across from him.

“I, uh—” Jeno hesitates. Donghyuck narrows his eyes at him. “I mean, Jaemin’s throwing a party tonight, but if you wanted to stay in or something, I’m totally fine with that, too.”

“You thought I would choose to stay in my boring house, alone, over a party at Jaemin’s?” he asks, a little incredulous.

“Well, I thought you might want to relax after volleyball practice—” Jeno starts sheepishly.

Maybe he wants to spend time with you, Donghyuck’s subconscious whispers. He ignores it. “Are you kidding? Wait—is Kim gonna be there?”

“I mean, probably?”

“Oh my god, we have to go, Jeno! You gotta see her,” Donghyuck says, shoving his half-eaten quesadilla into Jeno’s hands, heart twisting at his own words. See how inconvenient his feelings are?

“I guess—wait, where are you going?”

“Gonna change!” he yells, already bounding up the stairs, leaving a bewildered Jeno standing with half a quesadilla in his hand.

“Sour cream and salsa’s in the fridge, help yourself!” He calls out, before his bedroom door shuts behind him.

Upstairs, he shoves his legs into his best pair of black skinny jeans—rips across the knees and everything—and tucks the front of a white graphic tee into it. He swipes deodorant underneath his armpits and slips on his favorite track jacket, a burgundy adidas with a stand-up collar.

He stops in front of the mirror and combs through his hair with his fingers. He had dyed it a light golden brown over the summer, and now his ends brush the bottom of his neck, bangs wavy across his forehead and dark roots just starting to show.

Donghyuck judges his reflection. He looks good. Yeah. He looks party-ready.

Jeno turns around from where he’s watching his hands in the kitchen sink as Donghyuck comes down the stairs. “Wow, you clean up nice,” he says through a mouthful of food, appraising.

“Damn straight. Only took ten minutes, too,” Donghyuck replies, slipping his shoes on at the door.

Jeno follows, sliding his own sneakers on. “Do I have any food stuck in my teeth?” he asks, baring his teeth for Donghyuck to inspect.

“No. Do I?” Donghyuck mirrors him, leaning in. His chest brushes against Jeno’s arm.

“No, you’re good,” he giggles, shoving Donghyuck’s face away with his palm.

Donghyuck grins, eyes lingering on the curve of Jeno’s smile.

Fifteen minutes later, Jeno parks his 2017 Altima at the curb, a small distance from Jaemin’s sprawling four story mansion of a house. A top 40 playlist blasts from the double doors, the bass sending pebbles skittering into the cracks of his brick driveway as Donghyuck and Jeno weave through a maze of cars and SUVs.

On the front porch, Donghyuck notices the way Jeno keeps toying with the sleeve of his jacket, the way he keeps worrying his bottom lip with his teeth.

“Hey, you okay?” he offers gently, nudging him with his shoulder.

“What?” Jeno turns to him, snapping out of his thoughts, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” he lies. Donghyuck looks at him, knowing otherwise.

Jeno sighs, relenting. “I’m kinda nervous. I think I’m overthinking things,” he says.

“Like what?” Donghyuck asks.

“Like, are people going to ask us how we met? Do I look okay? How long have we been together? Why does my hair look so bad?” he rambles. It’s the fastest Donghyuck has ever heard him speak.

He laughs, not unkindly. “Stop,” he says gently, placing his hands on Jeno’s shoulders.

“It’ll be fine, stop worrying.” Donghyuck moves a hand to cup Jeno’s face, using his thumb to pull his bottom lip away from his teeth. “I’ll make something up on the spot if anyone asks how we met. I work best in moments of spontaneity,” he grins.

“Oh, and your hair—” he continues, pushing Jeno’s bangs back with both hands and letting go to rest his forearms on his shoulders— “looks great.”

Jeno stares down at him, gaze wide with surprise and something heavier.

“You’re hot shit, Jen. You need to remember that, okay? You’ll be fine.”

Jeno nods. “Yeah, okay,” he agrees, and his voice is so quiet and low and Donghyuck finally realizes how close they are when Jeno’s eyes flicker down. Oh, fuck.

He steps back, immediately ringing the doorbell while the other latches onto Jeno’s left hand. Jeno squeezes back with a smile as the door swings open.

“WHAT’S UP, PARTY PEOPLE?” Zhong Chenle screams over the music, alcohol sloshing out of the red solo cup held dangerously in his hand.

Donghyuck throws his head back and laughs, pulling Jeno in behind him. Now this is a Friday night.

—

He’s walking down the stairs after using the bathroom when someone slams into him. The timing is perfect, really, because Donghyuck had been getting bored as the night went on. Casual conversations could only last so long, and he’d been jumping from classmate to classmate with no alcohol to take the edge off him.

Donghyuck had realized he was the designated driver the moment they’d stepped into the house and Jeno had gripped Chenle in a headlock, stealing his drink and knocking it back in one swift move. Chenle had laughed and ran away, dragging Jeno with him. Donghyuck had followed in amusement.

Now, he’s thankful he didn’t drink, because he’s sure he would’ve fallen down the stairs if he’d been drunk.

“Woah! Sorry,” Yangyang Liu giggles as Donghyuck reaches out to prevent him from slipping.

Yangyang’s eyes finally focus on Donghyuck and his face splits into a wide grin. “Donghyuck Lee! The guy who had a crush on me last Spring!”

Oh man.

Donghyuck can feel his face burning. “Hey, Yangyang. How’ve you been?” He walks them both down to the bottom of the stairs.

“I am feeling so good right now, Donghyuck,” he says, clapping both hands on Donghyuck’s shoulders. His grin gets even wider, if possible. Donghyuck is pretty sure he can see all thirty-two of his teeth.

“You know what’s great, Donghyuck?” Yangyang seems to enjoy saying Donghyuck’s name with every sentence. “Scientists say that alcohol is a depressant. Let me tell you—” he leans in, like he’s sharing a secret— “I feel the opposite of depressed right now. I am feeling… undepressed. Isn’t that crazy?” His eyes are wide.

“Super crazy,” Donghyuck says, nodding along with him. Jesus, he’s gone.

“You know what else is crazy? The fact that you liked me,” Yangyang giggles, swatting Donghyuck in the chest.

He laughs awkwardly. “Yeah?”

Yangyang nods. “Yeah. Honestly, it was an ego boost, Donghyuck. I was gonna come talk to you the day I got it, but you were making out with Jeno Lee.” He talks like he’s sharing gossip, eyes big and smile mischievous. “It’s okay though! I like you, Donghyuck, but not in a… uh…”

“Romantic way?” Donghyuck offers, trying to mask the relief he feels at Yangyang’s words.

“Yes! I don’t like you in a romantic way. I feel unromantic for you,” he says, nodding.

“That’s fine, Yangyang. The letters were sent out by accident, you think you could just forget that it exists?”

“Oh, yeah. No problemo, Donghyuck,” he says, “plus, I got a thing for Renjun Huang anyway.”

If Donghyuck had been drinking, he would’ve spit it out, right into Yangyang’s face. “You got a thing for who?”

Yangyang pulls their heads down until their foreheads almost touch. “Shhh, Donghyuck,” he whispers. “Renjun Huang. I think you’re friends with him.”

“Yeah, I know who the fuck Renjun Huang is,” Donghyuck says, still in shock. “You like him?”

Yangyang nods, a shy smile on his face. Oh, that’s cute.

“If you want,” Donghyuck starts, “I could put in a good word for you.”

His eyes sparkle. “Yes! Oh my god, I gotta tell Xiaojun about this.” With that, he starts walking backwards, away from Donghyuck and into the crowd in the living room.

“Donghyuck Lee, you are amazing and I love you!” He shouts. “Not like that, though.”

Donghyuck laughs.

—

Donghyuck pours himself a cup full of Hawaiian punch, genuinely feeling better after talking to Yangyang. He’s cleared things up with Renjun (obviously), in a fake relationship with Jeno, talked it out with Shotaro and now Yangyang, which leaves—

“So was this your idea or Jeno’s?”

Jaemin Na.

“What idea?” Donghyuck says, arching an eyebrow as Jaemin walks into the kitchen. He hasn’t seen the other man the entire night, despite being at his house.

“This… fake relationship,” he says, waving his hand in Donghyuck’s general direction as he opens his fridge. “I’m gonna be honest, it doesn’t sound like something Jeno would come up with.”

Jaemin hops onto his kitchen island, patting the empty spot next to him. Donghyuck follows, albeit a little wary of him. Jaemin hands him a sprite.

“Gotta keep the good stuff hidden,” he says with a grin.

Donghyuck smiles back. He pops the tab on the sprite before dumping part of it in his punch.

“I suggested it,” Donghyuck starts, staring at the white ceiling. “Told him it’d be mutually beneficial. He could get Kim back, and I could get everyone off my back about the letters.” He shrugs, looking over at Jaemin.

Jaemin huffs out a laugh. “That’s right, the letters. Say, you really think I should be an actor?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Donghyuck says, laughing. Jaemin grins, taking a sip from his sprite. It’s funny, Donghyuck thinks, how his letters have gotten him friends. He’d never spoken to Jaemin in the past, or even Jeno. But sometimes even secrets can make friendships.

“But hey, be careful with Jeno, alright? He falls in love too fast,” Jaemin says, and Donghyuck’s heart stutters. “I mean, he was dating Kim, who’s probably the worst person to ever be in a relationship with.”

Donghyuck frowns. “Right. Do you know why he actually—”

“Oh, speak of the devil,” Jaemin interrupts, lifting his can to point at something behind Donghyuck.

Or someone.

Because coming down the stairs is none other than Kimberly Scott, Jeno leaning against her with a loose arm around her shoulders. He looks… really drunk, actually.

Donghyuck tries to suppress the wave of jealousy that washes over him when he sees Kim with Jeno.

Kim smirks as she catches sight of them both, red lips curling up. “Oh, Donghyun, right? Nono says you two are a thing now.”

Donghyuck’s entire body cringes at her nickname for Jeno. God, that’s horrendous to hear.

“It’s Donghyuck, actually,” he corrects her, sliding off the island and walking towards them. Kim just rolls her eyes.

Donghyuck thought the mean girl personality died in the early 2000s. He’s not sure why Kim’s trying to single-handedly revive it.

It doesn’t matter, though, when Jeno perks up at Donghyuck’s voice. “Donghyuck?” he asks, a lazy smile growing on his face as his eyes land on him.

“Hey, Jen.” Donghyuck smiles back, only to catch Jeno as he stumbles off the wall and into Donghyuck’s arms.

Jeno’s arms wrap around his neck, nose burrowing into Donghyuck’s collarbone. It’s static in his brain—a steady stream of oh my god the only thing running through as he tries to control his heartbeat.

A split second of shock registers on Kim’s face before her eyes narrow. Donghyuck slings an arm around Jeno’s waist, feeling possessive as fuck.

“Thanks for taking care of him, I got it from here,” he says, words dripping saccharine. Kim stomps off.

Jaemin hops down from his counter, reminding Donghyuck of his presence.

“Careful,” he reminds him, sharp eyes glancing between Donghyuck and Jeno, before walking away.

Trust me, Donghyuck wants to say, I know.

—

“Hey, Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck looks down to see Jeno, finally awake and yawning. “Hey, Jen. How’re you feeling?”

He’d moved them to a couch in the living room a little over an hour ago, plopping down with Jeno passed out and still clinging to Donghyuck.

Jeno blinks up at him tiredly. “Well, the room isn’t spinning anymore. I think that’s a good thing.”

Donghyuck laughs. “Yeah? I think so, too.”

Jeno seems to realize he still has his arms around Donghyuck’s waist, as he straightens up and winces at the movement. “I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” he says, getting up cautiously. Donghyuck nods.

When he gets back, he looks a lot more awake and a lot more sober.

“You wanna head back now? It’s almost two,” Donghyuck asks.

“Yeah, sure,” Jeno says, breath minty.

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow. “You brushed your teeth?”

Jeno helps Donghyuck up with a hand, grinning. “This is Jaemin’s house—of course I’ve got a toothbrush. Chenle and I practically have our own drawers filled with clothes here.” When Donghyuck looks at him questioningly, he rushes to explain. “The three of us grew up together. We’ve had more sleepovers than I can care to remember.” By the way his words come out, loose and smiley, he must still be a little tipsy.

Donghyuck hums in understanding, leading them to the door by their linked hands. Outside, it’s starting to get colder as autumn settles. The wind pushes at Donghyuck’s hair, and he’s grateful for having remembered his jacket.

They’re almost to Jeno’s car, when he suddenly spins Donghyuck with an arm around his waist. Losing his balance, Donghyuck’s back hits the side of a random car.

“Jeno—what—” Donghyuck looks at him, eyes wide and hands gripping onto Jeno’s forearms to brace himself.

Jeno leans in, voice near Donghyuck’s ear. “People are looking out the window. Don’t you think we should be a little more convincing?” When he pulls back, his eyes flit to Donghyuck’s lips. It clicks in Donghyuck’s mind, where he’s going with this.

“Are you fucking crazy?” Donghyuck tries to turn and look back at Jaemin’s big ass double doors. Jeno stops him with fingers on his chin, calluses sparking heat where they touch Donghyuck.

“You can say no. Always.” Jeno’s eyes are serious. But oh, Donghyuck is incredibly weak for those eyes.

“Do you trust me?”

And Donghyuck foolishly does.

“Will—will you remember this?” he whispers into the air, his breath crystallizing between them.

“I will.” And then Jeno leans in, giving Donghyuck the best kiss of his life right there against somebody’s burgundy Subaru.

— - —

To Jeno Lee — January 2019

Dear Jeno,

We’ve been in each other’s orbits for as long as I can recall. I remember seeing you every Sunday at Korean school, with your light up sneakers. Then you got older and traded them out for Jordans, then converse, with a brief stint for a pair of sky blue Lebrons.

And then high school hit us both, and we barely even saw each other in the hallways. We weren’t ever friends, really, but we knew each other from a distance since we were young. “There’s Jeno Lee, he’s your age, Donghyuck. Don’t you want to go play?”

Spoiler: I never came over to play.

You’re intimidatingly handsome, Jeno Lee. Did you know that? That jawline, the way you walk through the hallways… everything about you is so intimidating. But when you smile, your eyes curve into crescents and I swear to god, Jeno, your smile is still the sweetest thing about you. It hasn’t changed since you were five years old.

I came to one of your basketball games sophomore year. It was one of the first games of the season, and the first game on our home court. Your family had come to support you—your mom held a big poster with your jersey number on it. I could see the pride on your dad’s face. You looked up into the bleachers and caught their eyes—and that’s when I saw you smile.

How could I not fall for you after that, Jeno? I only regret that my five year old self never came over to play. Maybe we could’ve been friends, then.

Love,

Donghyuck Lee

— - —

That kiss meant something, Donghyuck knows. Their relationship has been easy and casual so far, but when Jeno kissed him at Jaemin’s, it was different. Deep, meaningful. Real.

They need to talk.

They need to talk, but by the time they stumble into Donghyuck’s room, they’re exhausted. All the adrenaline that pushed Donghyuck through the night comes crashing down, and he barely has the energy to brush his teeth before Jeno pulls him down onto the bed.

“I have an air bed,” Donghyuck whispers. “Let me blow it up.”

“Shhh.” Jeno’s eyes are already closed. “You’ll wake your parents up,” he mumbles, fingers curled loosely around Donghyuck’s arm.

He’s making a lot of sense right now, isn’t he. Donghyuck pulls his comforter around him and promptly knocks out.

—

The next morning, Donghyuck stirs from his sleep at the sound of the sink running. He rubs the sleep out of his eyes as the door to the bathroom opens, Jeno walking out.

“Oh! Hey.” He looks surprised to see that Donghyuck is awake. “I’m so sorry, did I wake you?”

Maybe. He shakes his head anyways, squinting at Jeno. “Why’re you up so early?” His words slur.

“I’m gonna try to sneak out before your family’s awake,” Jeno says, hiking a thumb at the door.

Donghyuck snorts. “Listen,” he says, cupping his ear. They both fall silent and hear the beeping of the microwave downstairs.

Jeno wrinkles his nose. “Your family’s awake at seven in the morning on a Saturday?”

“My dad is. Every Saturday.” Donghyuck shrugs. “It’s okay, he’s pretty chill. Give me ten minutes and I’ll walk you out.”

Jeno scratches the back of his head. “Sure. Yeah, I’ll wait.”

Donghyuck slides out of his covers and stumbles into the bathroom.

When he gets out—now mostly conscious—Jeno is sitting at the edge of his bed, twiddling his fingers with furrowed eyebrows.

“Jeno?” He looks up at Donghyuck’s voice. “Ready to go?”

“Sure.” He nods, distracted.

Donghyuck’s hand is on the doorknob when Jeno speaks.

“Wait, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck turns.

“I—uh—we kissed last night. Were you okay with that?”

Oh. They were going to have this conversation now.

“You remember that?” Donghyuck had just assumed he’d forgotten.

“I wasn’t that drunk, Donghyuck. I told you I’d remember, yeah?” Jeno steps forward.

“Right.”

“Either way, I’m really sorry, Donghyuck. If you felt pressured or something—”

“Jeno, relax,” Donghyuck reassures him. “I didn’t mind at all. It’s in our contract, after all,” he grins, hoping to get a smile out of Jeno.

For some reason, his frown just becomes more pronounced. “Yeah, but—” he stops. Stares at his feet.

“But what?” This time, Donghyuck steps forward. “Were you uncomfortable?” Maybe he regrets it all. Maybe their relationship is over. It wasn’t real anyways. Donghyuck doesn’t want to think about why that hurts to even utter within the walls of his skull.

There’s a foot of distance between them when Jeno looks up. “I want to do it again,” he says, resolute.

His words erase any sort of thought that was in Donghyuck’s brain. It’s a blank slate, and all he can do is mutter an eloquent, “What?”

Jeno takes a deep breath. “Would you let me kiss you again?”

And oh, how Donghyuck loves digging a ditch for himself to jump into.

He nods, swallowing. “I would.”

In the next moment, Jeno cups Donghyuck’s face in his hands and leans down to press a deep kiss to his lips.

This time, Donghyuck is more prepared for the onslaught of butterflies in his stomach, the way his hands yearn to thread into Jeno’s hair. This time, he holds back.

He pulls back after a few seconds, Donghyuck trying not to chase him. “Was that okay?” Jeno breathes.

“Yeah.”

“Can I do it again?”

“Yeah.”

And so it begins.

—

“You want to know who else I sent those letters to?” Donghyuck turns his head, arching an eyebrow at him. Jeno pulls himself up by his elbows, nodding eagerly, the back of his hair mussed from the pillow. God, he is cute.

He and Jeno fit into each other’s lives like puzzle pieces. They’ve taken to hanging out at Donghyuck’s house at least once a week to do homework together, despite not being in the same classes. Like everything else they do, it’s quiet, it’s fun, it’s simple in a way Donghyuck never expected a relationship to be.

Jeno had brought Donghyuck over for dinner one Friday, his mother hugging Donghyuck tightly. It had been a while since Donghyuck had been hugged by his own mother, and his eyes had burned with unshed tears as Jeno’s mother pulled back with a big, loving smile and curved eyes that mirrored her son’s.

Similarly, Donghyuck’s father had taken an immediate liking to Jeno, the two of them always eager to discuss NBA stats once his dad had found out Jeno’s penchant for the sport. It’s only a matter of time before he invites Jeno to play him one-on-one, Donghyuck knows.

It’s been good so far. Donghyuck pretends his moon eyes are all for show, and if his heart speeds up and his smile gets wider at the sight of Jeno—well, that’s nobody’s business but his own.

And now, Donghyuck bounces onto the bed, landing next to him. He stares at the ceiling as Jeno relaxes back into the pillows.

“There are five letters in total,” he begins. “I wrote the first one when I was thirteen, and the latest one was towards the end of junior year.”

“Oh, that’s recent,” Jeno says, eyes widening slightly.

“Mhmm. But let me set the stage and go in order—from the beginning.”

“You sure you’re not in theater? You’ve got a flair for the dramatic,” Jeno teases.

Donghyuck glares in his direction. “Do you want to hear this or not? Otherwise I can go back to my macro homework,” he says, moving to get off the bed.

Jeno’s hand shoots out, fast as lightning, to grab his hand. “No no no, I was just kidding,” he pouts, lacing their fingers together.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he’s smiling as he settles back in. “The first letter was to Renjun.” Jeno lets out a puff of laughter, playing with Donghyuck’s fingers in his hands. It’s distracting. “Not my greatest moment, but I get to say I had my own best friends-to-lovers experience. And he was my first love, albeit one-sided, though.”

“Did you guys ever date for real?” Jeno asks.

He laughs. “Oh hell no. I grew up enough to realize that’s a recipe for disaster.”

Jeno smiles. “So Renjun was first. Who was next?”

“Uh… second was Shotaro.” Donghyuck can’t say it out loud without cringing. He shifts against the pillows.

Jeno lets out a hum of acknowledgement before turning his head. “You know, you gotta stop feeling so terrible for your emotions. It was in the past, you didn’t act on those feelings, and the letters were sent out without your permission. It is what it is, Donghyuck.”

“Plus, we wouldn’t have gotten here if those letters didn’t do their job, yeah?” He smiles, and Donghyuck is struck with an inexplicable need to kiss him.

He swallows air instead, nodding hesitantly with a faint smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” His voice is faint.

“Of course I am.” Jeno settles back into the pillows, the hand not holding Donghyuck’s resting behind his head. “Who was after Shotaro then?”

Donghyuck coughs. “You.”

Jeno’s eyes positively sparkle. “I was lucky number three?”

“‘I was lucky number three?’” Donghyuck mocks. “Yes, you were. Now shut up.” Jeno laughs.

“I wrote the fourth letter early on during junior year, I’m pretty sure. To Jaemin Na—”

“What?” Jeno sits up like he’s been possessed, staring at Donghyuck with wide eyes. “Jaemin? Like Jaemin Na, my best friend?” Donghyuck nods slowly, sitting up.

“What the fuck.” Jeno looks dazed. He grips Donghyuck’s hand even tighter, if at all possible. “You liked Jaemin?” He almost looks… bothered, and Donghyuck wonders if he’s just imagining the slight frown on his face.

“It was just a crush, Jeno,” he tries to reassure him. Why is he trying to reassure him, again? “They all were. Plus, the fifth letter went out to Yangyang Liu a few months later, in the spring. Over a frog dissection.”

That catches Jeno’s attention. “Sorry, over a what?”

“We were lab partners in AP Bio and he—he offered to dissect the frog—” Donghyuck breaks off and glares as Jeno doubles over in laughter.

He shoves Jeno by the shoulders and watches with a diabolical smile as he falls off the side of the bed with a yelp, arms flailing.

“I swear to god, Donghyuck—” Jeno growls, head popping above his bedding, before he climbs back onto the comforter, tackling Donghyuck and tickling his sides.

The room is immediately smothered in the sounds of Donghyuck shrieking and Jeno laughing, that bastard. Once he deems his punishment to be enough, he lays next to Donghyuck, a little breathless.

He speaks to the ceiling. “I still can’t believe you had a crush on my best friend after me. What the fuck? Do you still like him? Was I not enough?” He fake cries.

Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “The letters are like… an exorcism. I usually get over my feelings after I write one.”

“Is that how you felt after you wrote mine?” Jeno asks, up on one elbow and hovering over Donghyuck. Their sudden proximity has Donghyuck’s skin buzzing.

“Yeah.” He swallows, trying to be discreet and failing. Jeno’s eyes fall on his Adam’s apple, and he smirks.

“Are you lying?” His voice tapers into a whisper as he leans in with hooded eyes. Their lips are so close. Donghyuck wants him so badly.

“Yeah.” It comes out quieter, all sound disappearing once Jeno slides his lips over Donghyuck’s.

Donghyuck slips his fingers into Jeno’s hair as they make out, slow and deep. God, kissing Jeno feels so damn good. Kissing Jeno should be the eighth wonder of the world.

The hand that isn’t holding Jeno up curls into the hem of Donghyuck’s t-shirt, teasing the skin of his waist. It only makes him lick into Jeno’s mouth more urgently, an affirmation with no words.

Jeno’s fingers trace the bottom of his ribs as Donghyuck palms at his abs through his shirt. Blood starts to rush south at the feel of Jeno’s torso. Is he even real?

When Jeno’s hand slips under Donghyuck’s ass and squeezes, he lets out a moan and tightens his grip in Jeno’s hair. The responding groan that comes out of Jeno, rough and low, makes Donghyuck want to rip both of their clothes off in the next second.

Instead, there’s a crash from downstairs, followed by a curse from Donghyuck’s dad.

Donghyuck groans as they disconnect, and it’s not even sexy. Jeno laughs as he presses their foreheads together.

“It’s okay,” he says, nipping at Donghyuck’s bottom lip. “Go see if he needs any help.” With that, he gets up off of him, settling against the headboard like he didn’t have his tongue down Donghyuck’s throat a minute ago.

Donghyuck groans again. “I cannot tell you how badly I don’t want to go help my dad right now,” he says, licking his lips slowly just to see the way Jeno’s eyes darken. It’s gone in the next second, replaced by that sweet eye smile Donghyuck adores.

Jeno takes his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “Go,” he says gently.

“Fine,” he sighs. And like he’s under a spell, Donghyuck gets up, reluctantly pulling his hand away and walking to the door.

When the door shuts behind him, he leans against it, catching his breath. It’s getting harder and harder for Donghyuck to pretend this relationship isn’t real.

Because falling in love with Jeno is dangerously easy.

—

Thanksgiving rolls around, a five day long weekend filled with food and family and shopping. Doyoung comes home for the holiday and grills Donghyuck about Jeno while Giselle plans a friendsgiving to be held at Donghyuck’s house. (Your house is way nicer than mine, Hyuck. Just clean it for us, I’ll take care of the rest.)

Jeno rings the doorbell on Wednesday, thirty minutes before everyone else, and Doyoung answers the door while Donghyuck’s busy singing in the shower.

He comes out ten minutes later, drying his hair with a towel, to see them both on the living room couch, talking casually. Doyoung gets up once he gets closer, clapping a hand on Donghyuck’s shoulder before he passes into the kitchen.

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at Jeno as his brother disappears. “What was that all about?”

“Hey, Hyuck,” Jeno smiles. “Nice vocals in the shower.” Donghyuck likes how Jeno says his name—absolutely loves how Jeno says his nickname—tongue curling around the Korean syllables with the right accent. It turns Donghyuck’s insides to mush in an instant.

“Very funny.” He rolls his eyes, sticking a hand out to pull Jeno up from the couch. “So you met Doyoung, huh,” he starts.

Jeno nods. “Yeah. Your brother’s kinda hot.”

Gross. “I never want to hear those words come out of your mouth ever again.”

“It’s true, though,” he shrugs, making his way to the staircase.

“I’ll throw up on you.” Donghyuck leans forward, pretending to hurl. “See? It’s at my throat. One more word and you’ll need new pants.”

Jeno rolls his eyes, dragging him up to his bedroom to make out instead.

Fifteen minutes later, Donghyuck is smoothing out his damp, cow-licked hair from being held against the door and kissed within an inch of his life. He swings the door open to let Renjun in, a tray of food held carefully in his arms.

Renjun looks him up and down. “My mom made mapo tofu for this, you whore. Slap some concealer over your hickies and give her the respect she deserves.”

Donghyuck cackles. Yeah, he’s enjoying this. A lot.

—

Thursday brings actual Thanksgiving, meaning his mother has the day off. The four of them sit at the dining table to say grace and Donghyuck thanks God that Doyoung’s here with almost three months’ worth of medical school to talk about.

But between discussions of pathology and human physiology, their mother turns to Donghyuck.

“I heard from Miss Kwan that Donghyuck has a boyfriend,” his mother says, eyes on Donghyuck as she dabs the corner of her lips with a napkin.

“Oh, Jeno?” Doyoung starts. “I met him yesterday. You’ll love him, Eomma.”

His father agrees, nodding as he finishes chewing. “Smart boy, very polite.”

And between his nerves, pride bursts within Donghyuck, happy that his father and brother approve of Jeno.

“I’m sure Jeno’s a nice boy,” his mother says, and Donghyuck already knows her next words will hurt. “But people have already begun to talk. I can’t have my son in a relationship with another boy.”

It’s no secret that Miss Kwan is homophobic. Donghyuck can only imagine the scathing way she must’ve told his mother about him and Jeno. And despite knowing how malleable his mother is to society’s opinions, the words still sting.

Donghyuck finishes the rest of his dinner as quickly as he possibly can, the food tasting like concrete down his throat. He excuses himself from the table quietly and goes up to his room.

Interestingly enough, he doesn’t feel like crying. He just sits in bed, mind devoid of emotions.

Doyoung knocks on his door a few minutes later, smiling sadly as he leans against the doorframe and regards Donghyuck.

“How are you feeling?” he asks quietly.

Donghyuck shrugs. “It’s nothing I haven’t heard before.”

Doyoung sighs, shutting the door behind him and taking a seat at the edge of the bed. “Doesn’t mean it’s okay for Mom to speak to you that way.”

There’s something about Doyoung validating his feelings that brings Donghyuck’s emotions boiling to the surface. He bites his lips and turns away from his brother, afraid to cry.

“Hey, come on. Deep breaths, Hyuck,” Doyoung says, moving up the bed to hug him. Donghyuck tucks his head into his brother’s chest and inhales.

Once he collects himself, he speaks against the fabric of Doyoung’s university sweatshirt. “I like Jeno too much to just… break up with him because Mom said so.”

“I know, Hyuck. We don’t expect you to.”

“He makes me happy, Doyoung. But to have my own mother dislike our relationship… really, uh, puts a damper on it.”

“I get it, Donghyuck.”

And there’s something about the way Doyoung speaks that has Donghyuck pulling back to look at his brother’s face.

“What do you mean, you get it?” he questions.

Doyoung’s eyes flit to the ceiling as he exhales. “Do you remember, last year, when you told me that sexuality is a spectrum? And how everyone’s journey is different?”

Donghyuck’s eyes widen. No fucking way.

“Oh my god. You’re not straight?”

Doyoung shakes his head. “There’s—there’s a guy. In my biochem lab,” he admits, laughing nervously.

Donghyuck tackles his brother in a hug, overwhelmed. “I am so happy for you, Doyoung!” he yells into Doyoung’s ear. “What’s his name? What’s he like? Are you guys dating yet?”

“Whoa, slow down, Hyuck,” Doyoung laughs. “And let me just say, you’re lucky you’re dating a sweetheart like Jeno. Yuta has red hair and at least nine piercings. If Mom ever sees him, she’ll faint.”

“Damn, he sounds crazy. Guess you always liked them like that.”

Doyoung whacks him on the arm before they both break into laughter.

“You got any pictures of him?” Donghyuck asks.

“I have his Instagram,” Doyoung offers, pulling his phone out.

As they settle against the headboard, Doyoung turns to him. “And Donghyuck? You’ll keep this a secret for now, right?”

Donghyuck raises an eyebrow at him. “Keep what a secret?” he says, feigning innocence.

Doyoung grins, reaching over to ruffle his hair.

— - —

To Renjun Huang — June 2016

Dear Renjun,

You’ll have to forgive me for this, for I’m not good at writing, let alone writing letters.

I think you’re my first love.

You’re the one who knows me better than I know myself. You can’t tell I’m head over heels for you?

It’s easy to know why I like you. You’re smart and talented and beautiful. Who wouldn’t fall for you? You’re so pretty. I love that you’re my best friend, but I wish we could be more.

I realized I liked you after you stayed with me in the hospital when I broke my arm. You really didn’t have to stay, Renjun, but you did. So no matter what kind of relationship we have, I know I’ll want you by my side anyways.

We’re best friends, okay? Always will be. No matter what happens, we don’t split down two paths. We take the same one.

Love,

Donghyuck Lee

— - —

Between college applications, his classes, and preparing for the holidays, Donghyuck forgets that his boyfriend isn’t actually his boyfriend.

“Hyuck?”

Jeno looks surprised to see Donghyuck at the main gym, eyes wide through the gaps of his sweat-matted hair.

“The one and only,” he says, grinning. “I’d close my mouth before flies get in if I were you.”

“No, it’s just—what are you doing here?” Jeno says as he twists the cap back onto his water bottle.

“Came by to give you this.” He pulls out a sweatshirt from his backpack, the black and green colors of their high school unfolding across the material. “It’s yours, you left it at my place last night.” He holds it out.

Jeno smiles as he shakes his head. “You keep it,” he says, pushing it back to Donghyuck. “I want it to be yours.”

Donghyuck tries his absolute best to not let butterflies jump out of his chest at the words. “You sure?”

He nods, rubbing the back of his neck. “A thousand percent. Actually, there’s something I wanted to ask you. I was wondering if you’d wear—”

Before he can finish, his coach blows his whistle, the shrill sound of it enough to make Donghyuck wince.

“I’ll, uh, tell you later,” Jeno says, glancing back at his coach. Donghyuck nods.

And then he leans in with his eyes closed, expecting a kiss. Donghyuck smiles, letting him get close enough before shoving a hand against his lips.

Jeno pulls back to look at him, all confused and pouty and definitely not cute.

Donghyuck laughs. “You’re all sweaty. Come back to me after you take a shower, maybe you can get a kiss then,” he says, biting back a smile.

Jeno mock glares, before swooping down to press a soft kiss to Donghyuck’s cheek.

“I’m afraid I can’t wait that long,” he says, pulling away and walking backwards from Donghyuck.

Donghyuck is pretty sure he couldn’t hide his smile even if he tried.

—

Donghyuck pulls his coat tighter around himself as he walks home. Winter has set, the trees barren and a thin layer of snow blanketing the ground already.

Jeno’s still set to come over after basketball, and Donghyuck hopes he makes it back home before Jeno shows up. It’s a week until winter break, and between the piles of assignments and exams, seeing Jeno would be a much needed reprieve for Donghyuck.

He’s a little afraid of how fast he’s fallen for Jeno. He raises his fingertips to where Jeno had kissed him on the cheek an hour ago. Donghyuck’s crushes were all intense but fleeting. He never expected to act on them, let alone jump into a relationship. He’s unsure on whether to be weary of his relationship with Jeno or carefree.

Lost in his thoughts, Donghyuck’s head snaps up at the sound of a door opening.

Something Donghyuck always forgets is that he has to pass by Kimberly Scott’s house to get to school and back. Her house is relatively unassuming, blending in with the rest of the middle-class family homes that make up their neighborhood.

But the car in her driveway is familiar, the person standing outside the door even more so.

Jeno says something to Kim, whose arms are crossed with her mouth in a straight line. And then Jeno opens his arms and wraps her in a hug.

Donghyuck knows how those arms feel, how comforting that hug is. His heart sinks—down, down, down.

Didn’t Jeno say he had something to tell Donghyuck? Was it this? That he’s ready to end their relationship now?

And here Donghyuck was, happy to see Jeno, to keep his smiles and kisses to himself. He feels like a fool.

Kim whispers something in Jeno’s ear, her eyes now trained on Donghyuck. God, he needs to get out of here. But before he can, Jeno turns around.

“Donghyuck?” He walks down the front steps of Kim’s house, stopping in front of Donghyuck on the sidewalk.

And Donghyuck doesn’t know what to say. It’s over between them, isn’t it?

“This relationship was built on a contract, Jeno,” Donghyuck spits out, choosing anger. “All you had to do was say you wanted to end it. We could’ve split a long time ago.”

Jeno has the audacity to look confused. “What?”

“If Kim asked you to get back together, you should have told me. You didn’t need to go behind my back like this.” The words are getting harder to say as his throat closes up with tears. He needs to leave.

“Goodbye, Jeno.” He pushes past him.

“Hyuck, wait—”

He doesn’t stop to hear what Jeno has to say. He can’t. He can barely see through the tears that blur his vision.

He tries his best not to run back home. Once the door to his bedroom shuts behind him, he leans against it, taking deep breaths.

This relationship—it’s not real. It never was. Donghyuck wants to laugh. And to think, he was thinking of all their kisses as real. God, he feels so stupid.

His eyes catch on a beige-colored napkin, shoved under a pile of notebooks on his desk. Their contract. It’s their stupid, stupid contract.

He grabs the napkin, almost tearing it in the process, and reads the last bit.

5. if either party catches feelings for anyone else, they are free to end the relationship at any time.

It was a roller coaster drop, seeing Jeno walk out of Kim’s house. But maybe Donghyuck should’ve seen it coming.

2. contract lasts as long as needed (or until Kim apologizes)

Donghyuck throws the napkin onto the floor, now crumpled and illegible. He sits on his bed, heart heavy and tired. The very bed where he told Doyoung that Jeno was too important to let go, just three weeks ago. He lies down.

He lifts his fingertips to the last kiss Jeno had given him, the ghost of his lips imprinted in Donghyuck’s memory. Donghyuck closes his eyes as tears build behind his eyelids.

He’s so tired.

—

Donghyuck skips school the next day.

He begs Doyoung to call the school and pretend he’s Donghyuck’s dad to excuse his absence. Doyoung asks him what’s wrong and he brushes the question off, telling his brother he’ll explain later. He spends the day moping around the house and attempting to study for his calc final.

But afternoon hits, and the doorbell rings, forcing Donghyuck to answer the door.

Renjun immediately lets himself in, toeing his shoes off before fixing Donghyuck with a glare. “What’s going on.”

Donghyuck sighs. “Let's go upstairs.”

Renjun shuts the bedroom door behind him before taking a seat in Donghyuck’s desk chair. He raises an eyebrow. Donghyuck sits across from him on his bed and takes a deep breath. He tells him everything.

“This is making more sense,” Renjun says, leaning back in his seat once Donghyuck finishes.

“What does that mean,” he deadpans.

“It means I spoke to Jeno today, who didn’t know why you weren’t at school today and looked like he hadn’t slept all night.”

Donghyuck frowns. “He’s back with Kim. He should be better than ever.”

“See, I don’t think that’s the case, Hyuck. I think you need to talk to Jeno.”

“What’s there to talk about? We had a good thing while it lasted, and now it’s over,” Donghyuck mutters.

“What good thing?” Renjun says. “Emotional constipation? The lack of communication on both sides? What was it, Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck, tired of skirting around his feelings, glares at Renjun. “He made me feel happy, Jun. Made me feel special. Even if it was all fake, he made me feel like it was real.”

“And you think he was just—acting the whole time? Playing with your heart for his amusement?” He raises an eyebrow.

Donghyuck sighs. “No, he wouldn’t.”

“That’s what I’m saying, Donghyuck,” Renjun stresses. “Stop letting your insecurities cloud your perception of yourself.”

“Damn, okay. I wasn’t aware we were in a therapy session right now,” Donghyuck deflects, reeling from Renjun’s statement. But then Renjun just slaps him upside the head with his next words.

“Jeno’s in love with you.”

Donghyuck laughs bitterly. “Now you’re just fucking with me, Jun, and it’s not funny.”

“Good, because it wasn’t supposed to be.” Renjun glares.

“How can you say that, Renjun?” Donghyuck exclaims, frustrated. “I saw him with Kim. Voluntarily! Why would he be at her house, hugging her, if he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me?”

“This is where the whole communication thing comes in,” Renjun says, gesturing in the space between them.

“It’s up to you, now, Hyuck. Would you be okay with letting Jeno go?”

—

The answer’s no. Donghyuck isn’t okay with letting Jeno go, but he doesn’t know what to do. Where to start.

So he doesn’t.

Winter break rolls around, and Donghyuck redirects his focus to celebrating Christmas with his family. He picks up Doyoung from the airport, hugging him tightly as he comes through the terminal.

Two days before Christmas Eve, the doorbell rings while Donghyuck and Doyoung are watching Home Alone. Donghyuck answers the door, coming face to face with Sungchan, awash in an orange glow from the Christmas lights decorating Donghyuck’s house.

Donghyuck smiles. “Hey, Sungchan. What’s up?” Belatedly, he notices how restless he looks, fidgeting with the ends of his coat zipper. “Is something wrong?”

Sungchan shoves his hands into his pockets, straightening his shoulders. “You’d have to tell me, Donghyuck. What’s this about a love letter to my boyfriend?”

Oh. Oh no. The smile falls off his face as his eyes widen. “How…”

He figures Shotaro let it slip, and frankly, Donghyuck had asked a lot from him. The fact that Shotaro respected Donghyuck enough to keep this a secret for this long… Donghyuck isn’t even mad. He’s got no right to be.

“Why does it matter?” He tries to be nonchalant. “It was a silly little crush. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“Doesn’t mean anything?” Sungchan frowns. “Well, yeah it does. You liked him at the same time I did. You didn’t think to tell me?”

“And what would you have done, Sungchan? Given him up for me?” Sungchan stays quiet. “Shotaro liked you, not me. And it worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

Sungchan looks at Donghyuck, hurt reflected in his eyes. “I just feel left in the dark, Hyuck. I thought we were friends,” he says, voice quiet.

“I opened up and told you how I felt, and you repaid me by lying to my face. You had my own boyfriend lie to me.” Betrayal leaks out of every word he speaks, and all Donghyuck can feel is the guilt of it all eating away at his heart.

By now, Doyoung is at the door with a frown, curious as to why Donghyuck hasn’t come back to the living room.

“Sungchan, I’m sorry.” The three words aren’t enough, they both know, but Donghyuck pours as much meaning as he can into them. “The letters were sent out by accident around the time you told me about you and Shotaro, so I told him you didn’t need the extra stress.”

His shoulders slump, defeated. “I didn’t want an old mistake of mine to get between your relationship, but that seems to have backfired.”

The sound of a car pulling up to the front of his house distracts him. He looks past his front yard and sees a 2017 Altima. “Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Donghyuck exhales, running a hand through his hair. Great, now he’s really got a fucking audience.

Sungchan turns to look behind him as Doyoung steps down their front porch, walking past them to stop Jeno. Donghyuck can’t hear what they’re saying, but he hates how he still wishes he could wipe the frown off of Jeno’s face.

“You two aren’t together anymore, then?” Sungchan’s voice snaps Donghyuck out of his inner monologue.

He shakes his head. “It’s been almost two weeks.”

“Oh.” Sungchan frowns. “I never expected that. Is that why you haven’t been at school that much?”

“I—yeah,” Donghyuck admits. Usually he’d see his friends on a daily basis, but ever since the break up, he’s made himself scarce.

“That’s… I’m sorry, Hyuck. That must be tough.” Sungchan looks at him like he knows how that could feel, and it’s enough to remind Donghyuck why they’re both standing out in the cold in the first place.

“Hey, no, this isn’t about me,” Donghyuck starts. “I’m sorry for getting in the way of your relationship. I really am. I should’ve told you when the letters got out.”

The smallest smile peeks through Sungchan’s lips, and relief floods Donghyuck’s body. “I understand now that you and Sho were looking out for me,” he says. “Plus, that letter was written, what, three years ago? You’ve moved far past that, so I will, too.” he gestures behind him, where Jeno is walking back to his car.

Donghyuck’s smile falters as he watches Jeno get into the driver’s seat. Maybe that’s what he needs to do. Move on.

—

Doyoung knocks on his bedroom door later that night, Home Alone left forgotten downstairs. “I think I’d like some clarification on why Jeno came by to ‘clear things up’,” he says with a gentle smile.

Donghyuck laughs emptily, patting the spot next to him on the bed. Once Doyoung settles in, he starts from the beginning.

Somewhere along the line, as he recounts all the sweet things Jeno has done for him, all the times they’d both bent over with tears of laughter in their eyes, he finds himself struggling to speak.

He hasn’t cried since the break up. Tears had gotten to his eyes but they hadn’t fallen—until now.

“Oh, Hyuck.” Doyoung looks at him with an emotion he can’t see with blurred vision. And then the tears make it past his waterline, breaking the dam and flowing onto his cheeks. He falls into his brother, hiding in his shoulder as he sobs.

Doyoung pats him on the back the same way he did ten years ago, when Donghyuck was eight years old and crying with a skinned knee from falling off of his bicycle. He feels like a constant within Donghyuck’s ever-changing, dramatic life.

He doesn’t know how long he stays like that, only that he feels exhausted. He lifts his head up when he feels someone sit down on the other side of the bed.

His mother.

“Eomma?” Donghyuck asks, sniffling.

“Donghyuck-ah,” his mother says, taking his hand and squeezing it in hers. “I haven’t been there for you when you needed it.”

Donghyuck’s eyes are red-rimmed and wide, surprised at the mere appearance of his stoic mother, shocked at the endearment of his name coming out of her mouth.

“I’m—I’m learning to be better. Your appa has been talking to me, and I’m sorry I’ve pushed you away for so long. Eomma is learning. You’ll be patient with her, right?” She smiles softly.

To everyone else, Dr. Lee is an accomplished woman—a doctor of internal medicine and a strict mother of two sons.

To Donghyuck, she’s just Eomma. His mother.

And it’s been so long since he’s had her support in anything that her words set him off—he’s crying again.

“Oh, my son,” his mother says, enveloping him in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry.” She presses a kiss to the top of his head.

“It’s okay,” Donghyuck tries to say, but he’s such a blubbering mess that Doyoung laughs at him.

He doesn’t even look, he just kicks backwards, hitting Doyoung in the shin.

“Ow! Dickwad.”

“Language.”

Donghyuck laughs into his mother’s sweater.

—

It’s New Year’s Eve when Donghyuck receives it.

Doyoung goes out to grab the mail after a whole week of letting it sit in their mailbox, bringing back a stack about the same height as his medical textbooks.

“Donghyuck!” he screams up the stairs. “You’ve got mail!”

When Donghyuck finally comes down to grab his pile, he notices a red letter at the top of the stack. He eyes Doyoung suspiciously as he goes back upstairs, but his brother looks as normal as ever.

In his room, he opens the envelope, pulling out a letter written in familiar handwriting.

— - —

To Donghyuck Lee — December 2020

Hey, Sunshine.

Somebody once told me that writing love letters feels like an exorcism, for when the feelings get too strong. I think it’s a bit different for me, though, because I know that even when I seal this letter, I’ll still be hopelessly in love with you.

Kim asked me to get back together two weeks into our fake relationship. At the time I said no, out of curiosity to see what we had between us. I called it curiosity then, I’d call it infatuation now.

You’re amazing, Donghyuck. You make me smile, you make me laugh. Most importantly, you taught me what it means to be in a healthy relationship. Why people fall in love in the first place.

I want to be with you, and only you, Donghyuck. Please, give me a chance. A real one.

Love,

Jeno

— - —

Donghyuck drives straight to Jeno’s neighborhood.

Jeno’s outside, wrapped in a thick black jacket and gloves as he runs a snowblower through their driveway.

“Hey, Romeo!” Donghyuck calls over the sound of the machine running once he gets out of the car. Jeno looks up, caught entirely off guard. He turns the blower off, disbelief painting his face.

“I didn’t know you could write like that,” Donghyuck says, slightly breathless as he stops in front of him. He watches the smile grow on Jeno’s face.

“Learned from the best,” he says, and oh, how Donghyuck missed his voice.

They’re both standing in the middle of Jeno’s half-plowed driveway, smiling stupidly at each other.

Suddenly, Donghyuck steps back, putting an arm’s width of distance between them. Jeno’s smile falters. “I think you have some explaining to do,” Donghyuck says, raising an eyebrow.

Jeno huffs out a laugh. “I do, don’t I. Wait here,” he says, before he walks over to his open garage, where his car sits. He opens the passenger seat door and grabs—

“A jersey?” Donghyuck tilts his head, confused.

Jeno comes back to stand in front of him, his basketball jersey held in one hand.

“I didn’t go back to Kim’s to get back with her,” Jeno starts. “I wanted to grab my basketball jersey from her place and end our relationship for good.”

Realization begins to dawn on Donghyuck.

“It didn’t matter, actually. I ended up ordering a new jersey instead. For you.” Jeno smiles at him, shy.

“I’ve never met someone as radiant and beautiful as you, Donghyuck,” Jeno says, grabbing Donghyuck’s hand in his. “Would you be my boyfriend?”

He holds the jersey between their chests, a tentative offering to Donghyuck.

Donghyuck tries to tamp down his smile, but he’s sure it’s futile.

“Give me that,” he says, grabbing the jersey out of Jeno’s hand. His responding grin sends warmth through Donghyuck’s entire body.

Donghyuck loops his arms around his neck and leans in until their lips almost touch. Jeno’s hands wrap around his waist.

“Yes, Jeno Lee, I’ll be your boyfriend.”

Donghyuck seals their new, real relationship with a kiss.

Oh, he’s about to wear the fuck out of this jersey.