Work Text:
8 - I CAN SEE ME DROWNING, CAUGHT IN THE FIRE
“Okay, I see.” Cola nodded, as he heard Kobra tell his plan while they moved some boxes together. “I think he should stay further in the desert.”
“Yeah,” agreed Jet, wiping the sweat from his forehead with one sleeve. “Maybe he can stay at Tidal Wave’s in zone 6”. He lifted a heavy box and placed it on a table.
“Guys, this is not the right way to go about it,” said Kobra, as he opened one of the boxes and took some wrapped in paper things out of it. “We need to keep an eye on him, to act quick if needed. We’ll all be busy trying to settle the issue, we’ll need to take shifts.”
“You know I hate it, right?” said Ghoul. “Being talked about like I'm not even there.” He helped unwrap some of the objects. There were weapons, ammunitions, and some devices he didn’t recognize.
“No, you’re right,” smiled Cola. “Sorry. This must be crazy for you.”
“It is,” sighed out Ghoul. “Fuck. I just wish I could do more than being a burden.” He took one of the guns and inspected it, bringing it in front of his face and turning it to either side.
“You’re not a burden,” protested Jet. “You’re a great friend and a fantastic guitar buddy.” He moved to put his free hand on Ghoul’s shoulder, holding some bags in the other. “I don't even remember how I used to spend my days before you came along.” He smiled, big.
The contagiousness of Jet’s smiles was unbeatable, even for how much pissed off Ghoul was feeling, so he couldn’t help smiling, meekly, as well.
“You don't realize it, but things are much better since you joined us,” said Kobra, not looking up from where he was disentangling some cables. “We almost look like decent human beings lately.”
Ghoul giggled, still looking down, his cheeks betraying just a little bit of redness. “All it took was washing rounds and a prayer, man.”
“If they think they can take our laundry guy from us, they’re damn wrong,” added Kobra, in a serious tone.
“Over my dead body,” said Jet, seriously, moving to collect a device from Cola.
Ghoul remained silent, a silly smile on his lips. As messy as it all was, he would still call himself lucky.
Well, friends-wise, at least. Because with perfect timing Poison walked into the room, reminding him of how lame his life was.
No one spoke, at first. Poison stood in the center of the room, with crossed arms. Kobra glared at him, and Jet shifted his eyes between the two of them, worried.
It was Cola to interrupt the awkward silence. “Poison,” he called, smiling kindly. “You're just in time to help me out here.” He nodded at his arms, busy with some heavy boxes. “The adults brought gifts from the City, we need to store them.”
“Sure,” Poison said, moving to help him. Ghoul noticed how he kept his gaze on Kobra until the very last moment. “So, what’s the plan?” He asked, innocently, as he helped Cola move some stuff.
Ghoul could feel how tense the room was. He himself had no idea what was running through Poison's mind, why he had cussed at him earlier and where he had gone alone all afternoon.
After a moment of silence, Jet explained. “Ghoul’s staying somewhere safe, we’re keeping shifts to guard. As for the rest, we wait to hear from Red. She’ll know what’s best.”
“Do you have a place in mind?” asked Poison.
“Not really,” explained Cola. “We need an off-the-record spot not too far from us. With an escape plan, possibly.”
“Oh,” Poison said, brightly, dropping the box he was moving back on the table. “I know just the place.”
***
“No. Nope. Turn this car around right now man, I won’t be staying there. Not for the hell of it.”
Ghoul had his arms crossed. He kept looking out the window, the signs of where they were heading clearer and clearer with each mile they travelled.
“Shut up,” said Kobra, keeping his hands on the wheel and looking ahead at the road. He was wearing his sunglasses in the middle of the night. “I hate the dude as well, but that place is indisputably the best option.”
“Fuck,” sighed Ghoul, sinking deeper in his seat. “Why’re you wearing those in the middle of the night, anyway?”
“These are prescription,” said Kobra, tapping with one finger to fix the glasses higher on his nose. “The only pair I have. I can’t see shit.”
“Great, my last shot is we crash and die before we get there.”
“We won’t, cause I’d come back from the dead to watch the scene.” He had a smirk on. “This is gonna be hilarious.”
Ghoul elbowed him in the side. “I hate you,” he half-growled half-laughed.
Kobra sounded serious, then. “I have no idea if he’s genuine about this,” he said. “Poison, I mean. I think he’s doing better and you’re a part of that.”
Ghoul looked at him and noticed how his face seemed worried. He let him talk.
“But he’s been so…” he sighed. “I trust you’ll keep him on the plan, okay? If he tries to pull some big act. We need to be smart about this. I want both of you around in my future, you know.”
Ghoul nodded, then sighed. “I just want this to be over soon, man."
***
“Are you fucking kidding me?!” Canyon shut the door he was peeking from. He walked in a circle, frowning like he had just seen death herself. “This must be a prank. A shitty, shitty prank,” he yelled so he could be heard from outside.
“It’s not,” explained Kobra, yelling back from outside the door. “We need your help until things settle down a bit.”
Canyon opened the door. His face was halfway between confusion and anger. “Kobra Kid, right?”
“Right,” nodded Kobra.
Canyon's eyes shifted behind his shoulder for a split second, and anger seemed to take over his expression as he noticed Ghoul was there at a distance. “You do realize your brother just left me, right? Like, he bid me bye-bye and everything, okay?”
“Sorry to hear that,” said Kobra. But he didn’t sound sorry at all. “He’s not known to be sensitive about breakups.”
“Fuck, man. I just stopped crying, like, minutes ago. This is just mean.”
Kobra shrugged. He did his best to attempt a sorry expression.
Canyon sighed, then, rolling his eyes back and pinching the bridge of his nose. “Is he gonna show up?”, he asked.
Kobra nodded. “Tomorrow. We’re doing guard shifts.”
“Whatever,” breathed out Canyon. “It's not like I can take him as an enemy, anyway.” He looked at Ghoul, then, to shout, in a mockingly friendly tone, “You can come Puppy, come save me too. Come make a wimp out of me too.” He waved at him in an over-the-top way.
Fuck me, cursed Ghoul under his breath, before joining them.
As soon as they were in, Canyon seemed to ignore his presence completely and only talk to Kobra about the plan, which was really the best scenario Ghoul could imagine. That guy seemed to hate him, for some reason. Maybe he blamed him for the breakup, maybe he was jealous of his friendship with Poison. Okay, that doesn’t feel so bad, thought Ghoul, before mentally slapping himself. He wondered what kind of relationship they had. No, they used to have. That also felt good, but Ghoul didn’t feel guilty about it. He knew Canyon was a bad influence on Poison, he had heard enough stories to make up his mind about him. He also knew Poison wasn't the type to limit himself when it came to experiencing things with other people; he'd seen it firsthand. Fuck. That was the worst timing to remember about that. Get a grip, Ghoul, for fuck’s sa-
“Why the fucking smirk, Puppy?”
Shit, here we go. You ruined your only chance of being ignored.
“Sorry, I mean it,” Ghoul said, doing his best to sound serious. “I was just thinking back to a joke Kobra made earlier.” He glanced at Kobra, help me written all over his eyes.
But Kobra had his I'm-about-to-explode-face on, so Ghoul had to turn away from him to not do it himself.
“I’ll- I’ll just fuck off and let you talk,” he managed to say, indicating the door. “Do you have a smoke?”
Canyon nodded at a shelf near the door.
Ghoul turned to leave and grabbed the cigarettes from it. He noticed how there were all kinds of crap on there, something like ten broken lighters and some empty, dirty ziplocks, even a syringe. Then he noticed something that looked like a Polaroid leaning on the wall, the image of a smiling woman with black hair and a child in her lap, and instinctively turned his head the other way. It felt like something heavy had bumped into his stomach.
The joking was over, after all. The realization of how fucked up everyone's life was outside the City- jerks he was jealous of included- made him feel a little guilty.
After a while, Canyon called him back. He still wouldn’t talk, but he handed him a blanket and managed to free some space on the floor for him to sleep. Kobra would be outside for the vigil. Ghoul spent some time with him, before leaving to go back inside, too tired to stay up.
But he couldn’t close his eyes all night, anxiety keeping him on his toes and the floor destroying his back.
So, he just waited for the sun to rise and for the car’s engine to signal him Kobra was leaving. Because that meant Poison's watch was close.
The thought that they would be spending time together made him feel good, and as lame as it was, he finally managed to rest, letting that positive feeling lull him to sleep.
***
“Wakey wakey,” Canyon yelled in Ghoul’s ear. “He’s outside.”
The tiredness he still had, and the fact that he remembered what he was thinking about as he fell asleep, indicated that he must’ve slept a couple hours tops. He cursed under his breath, stretching a little, then his heart and stomach seemed to awaken him completely with a rush, the realization of what Canyon had said. You really need to get your act together, Ghoul. What the fuck is this?
He stood up and stretched more. He could see out the window, where Poison and Canyon were talking at a distance. Then they hugged, and it felt like swallowing a fistful of needles. Stop it Ghoul, seriously.
He moved in front of a glass window that reflected his image a bit and tried to fix his hair for some reason. It had grown down to his shoulders and sometimes curled up in a stupid way that made him look like a little girl.
When he turned around, Poison was there in the room, alone.
“What’re you doing?” he laughed.
“Nothing,” said Ghoul, shrugging. And flushing a little. “I had something stuck in my hair, was trying to get it out. I feel like I slept in an ashtray or something.”
Poison moved closer and inspected Ghoul’s hair for a moment. “I think you took it out, there's nothing left.” He stepped back, then, and smiled. “Good to see you back, by the way.”
Ghoul was about to say something, but Canyon had entered the room and instead of speaking he just stepped back for some reason.
“The rest of what you need should be in the cave, by the way,” Canyon said to Poison. “You owe Pony for those.”
“Thank you,” said Poison.
The glances Canyon was giving him looked sad with resignation, for Ghoul, and even Poison seemed off. This felt strange to him, even a little scary. They looked like farewell glances or something. Why the fuck were they saying goodbye to each other with their eyes if Poison had just arrived and would be doing who knows how many more guard shifts? Maybe it was something to do with being an ex, who knows. Ghoul had never broken up with anyone. Or he wasn’t around to see the consequences, anyway.
“I need your help with something, later,” said Poison, snapping Ghoul out of his thoughts. “We’ll head at Fennec’s cave for a while. Okay?”
Ghoul nodded, but his weird feeling about it didn’t go away. He knew he wasn’t supposed to leave the shack. He had promised Kobra he would stick with the plan. And he would do it. He wanted to.
Just, he didn't really feel like saying no.
***
“What’s wrong?” Jet threw himself on the couch near Kobra, that was sinking in it with his arms crossed.
“Nothing,” he murmured. But he kept bouncing his leg and looking down, restless.
“Don’t make me beg you Kid,” sighed Jet. “You know how it goes. Just tell me.” He leaned closer and tried to look at his face, but Kobra kept looking down.
“I don’t feel good about this,” he almost whispered. “I kinda think we shouldn’t’ve let him there alone.”
Jet hummed. “Is your trust in him really that low?”
Kobra frowned, then, and finally shifted his exhausted eyes up to meet Jet’s. “I have no fucking clue,” he said. Then he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. “I want to believe he’s got his head on straight. But I fear his secrets. I fear he’ll try and do something stupid, and he’ll get Ghoul hooked on it too.”
Jet gave him a serious, inquisitive frown then. “Do you just fear it or is it…” he trailed off.
Kobra looked at him, his eyes stark and serious.
***
“You know,” Poison said, in the bright tone he had when he was in a good mood. “Your dad once told me he wanted you to feel alive.” He took a drag from the cigarette he was holding between his index and thumb, holding in the smoke for a while, and releasing it as he talked. “That he introduced you to us because he’d rather see you a criminal than slowly dying in that dystopian shithole.”
Ghoul would ordinarily be most attentive, as he was every time his father was mentioned. But that fucking way of smoking- slow and painfully aware of how hot it looked- was distracting him. He could literally feel his brain struggle to retain whatever his ears were registering, and he had to stop his eyes from staring at Poison’s lips for too long. It wasn’t the first time he had seen him do that, far from it. But in that moment, as close as they were, the smoke clouding up in the few free spaces of that small cave, it felt like a lot.
Poison shifted a little from where he was kneeling to look him in the eyes, and Ghoul had to force his gaze up.
“You,” said Poison, pointing at him with the cigarette, so that Ghoul had to shift back a little to avoid the ash falling. “You feel alive with me, right?”
Ghoul's heartbeat accelerated upon hearing those words, and the situation immediately felt even more surreal than it already did. Being in Fennec’s cave was already out of the plan; being there with Poison, alone, in the middle of the night, was even weirder. He had been acting strange for the whole day, for he had seemed busy, lost in his thoughts, so much so that this was the first real conversation they had since the morning. Also, those weird, telepathic conversations he seemed to be having with Canyon felt tenser and tenser the closer they were to the night.
Oh, and last but not fucking least in the weirdness fair, the cave was full of crates with explosives and weapons of all kinds. Which had captured Ghoul’s undivided attention, until Poison had lit himself that cigarette.
“Hello?” Poison waved his free hand before his face, and Ghoul snapped out of his thoughts.
“What do you mean by feeling alive?” he asked. His voice was barely audible, almost worried to come out.
Poison had his eyes fixed on his face, and Ghoul could feel it catching fire. Just like during that time he was dying his hair. Fuck, not again. Maybe the dark would help out.
But of course it didn’t, because Poison got that little smirk that meant he'd noticed. This time he didn't say anything, though. He tried to disguise it and kept talking. “I don’t know, alive. I mean,” he took a drag, holding Ghoul’s gaze as he slightly lifted his chin. “Do you feel like you’re actually living or just surviving.” He let the smoke out sideway. “Shit like that.”
“Living. I think.” Ghoul swallowed, and that was the only motion of his body in a while. He didn't even have the courage to blink.
“Good,” said Poison. “I appreciate it. But that’s bullshit. We’ve been only surviving, so far. I know it doesn’t feel that bad when we’re together, but it won’t last long.” His gaze seemed to become even more intense. “Unless we begin to actually live.”
Ghoul's mind had begun to travel in a thousand directions, all of them incomprehensible and all of them leading to a fucking dead end on which IT CAN'T BE was written in bright red letters. But he almost felt dazed by those words. And maybe it was the smoke, or the whole surreal situation, because suddenly he was no longer able to act as if they were in real life and not in a dream.
So, he did something he would’ve never risked otherwise. His hand lifted to move Poison's hair behind his ear.
And maybe it was just his imagination, but he noticed how Poison bent his head a little so he could press down on his hand and feel the contact. And imagination or not, that was enough to stun him completely. His vision blurred, and he moved on autopilot, scooting closer.
“Do you want to actually live?” whispered Poison.
Ghoul nodded.
“Good,” nodded Poison, taking one last drag and putting out the cigarette on the rocky pavement at his side. “I was positive I could count on you.” Everything was even darker, now. The only light was coming from the big, bright moon outside.
They were so close now, so close that Ghoul’s heart had begun to beat with alarming force.
But something told him he had to stop. Suddenly he feared that he had misunderstood everything.
No, he knew that. And the idea of making himself so vulnerable in front of Poison seemed suddenly crazy to him. He felt so, so stupid for believing that wasn’t a mistake even for one second. And his heart ached for that instant realization.
He shifted back a little, his eyes burning and a cold, painful sensation in his lungs. Disappointment. How stupid do you have to be to hurt yourself like this?
Poison barely turned around to rest his arm on one of the crates at his side. “I need your help,” he said.
Of fucking course, Ghoul thought.
“What kind of help?” he whispered, hiding the roughness in his voice.
"A help that only you can provide."
“Go on,” he said. Like it didn’t hurt.
Then Poison rested a hand on his shoulder and squeezed a little. “We have an opportunity. We can take your face back, and you can make it the face of truth.”
Ghoul frowned, then. His earlier hopes had collapsed so quickly that they left him with a freezing sensation throughout his whole body. He scooted back as much as he could, moving away from Poison’s hand.
Poison tried to get closer again. “Hey, Ghoul. Listen to- “
“No,” Ghoul interrupted. His voice was rough, like he was about to cry. “Does Kobra know about this?”
“He doesn’t need to,” explained Poison, in a low, soft voice. “It just needs to be us.” He kept getting closer.
Ghoul looked to his side, because he had started crying and he hated it. He hated the whole situation. He hated himself for being so fucking in love that even a lie like that made his stomach collapse. He fucking hated Poison because there was no fucking way he hadn’t realized about his feelings. And he was using it. And witnessing that felt worse than any rejection could ever feel.
“I said no secrets,” murmured Ghoul, still looking at his side. “What you’re doing to me, that’s mean.”
Poison frowned, getting as close as they were before Ghoul had moved away. But he cupped Ghoul’s face now, and Ghoul’s wet cheek pushed on his hand. He closed his eyes and breathed in. It was a fucking lie, but it was all he’d ever get.
“Why is it mean?”, whispered Poison. He moved Ghoul’s hair from his face with his other hand.
Ghoul barely opened his eyes to look at his face, still pressing on his hand. Poison had a new expression. Indecipherable. Soft. And maybe it was just because he wanted to believe it so fucking bad, but it felt real.
“Because you know it, Poison.” He didn’t move away his watery eyes from him. “You know I'd…”
The sentence trailed off.
Because Poison had taken both of his cheeks in his hands. And he was moving closer.
And Ghoul was moving closer as well, faster than his own understanding.
And they collided in a kiss.
It was tender, the way they breathed each other in, eyes closed. Like a revelation. Like they had been waiting for ages. It was so, so beautiful Ghoul could feel himself begin to shake. And it felt real, it felt right.
But it fucking wasn’t. Ghoul knew that. Again.
So, it took him all the willpower he had to break it, after a few seconds. Their eyes were locked together, like the moment could only exist as long as they were in each other’s gazes.
“Do you mean this?” Ghoul asked. His voice was barely coming out, but the same degree of anger and hope was recognizable in his tone.
Do you mean this, Ghoul heard himself saying.
Do you mean this. Again. Like an echo.
Do you mean this. Muffled. Distant.
He saw Poison move his lips, but he couldn't make out the words.
He saw his worried frown above him.
He felt him holding his head as it got heavier and heavier.
He felt pain, that excruciating kind he hated the meaning of.
He tried to fight it, but it was too sudden. And he was so exhausted.
Until he felt nothing at all, and darkness fell over all his senses like a black curtain.