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I can still feel the burning sensation in my throat, the pull to once was. No amount of years could possibly sever that tie, our tie. I cherish you, all that you sacrificed for me. You acted as though you were excited for me to go, to pursue a professional career thousands of miles away from you. I still feel your words echo through me, I feel them flutter through my bones, and radiate from my skin.
“Darling, go play. I know it’s what you live for.” You spoke so surely. So sure that even I believed you were telling your truth.
“Well, it is, but how can we do this? How can we work out? Thousands of miles, for who knows how long. Hajime, I don’t want to leave you.” My voice shook much more than yours did in our conversation.
“We will manage somehow.” You nodded with a smile and a glint in your eye. Back then, I thought it to be contentment that shone over the dark green; It was blatantly obvious, but I was just too selfish to notice. They were tears, held in by a miraculous effort. You knew what it meant, my absence, my pursuit of passion, and did it all anyways. For me.
“That doesn’t feel promising, Iwa.” I sniffled against your chest as I was curled in your lap. I only looked up occasionally, I wonder if that is when you crumbled.
“You have to do this, it’s your dream. You don’t have to worry so much about me.” You sighed softly, which I only grasped due to the gentle puff of your chest, it was far too quiet to hear. Was it meant to keep your melancholy at bay, or was it towards my emotional responses that spoke your truth? I think it was the most gentle way that a facade could crack. Yet, somehow it was sealed in a matter of seconds, and you spoke.
“And when you do go, which you will, don’t regret it, please. Just go, just play. Show the world who you are. You tell the world who Tooru Oikawa is, and you make them remember your name. Promise me that, Tooru. Don’t promise anything else, just that. If not for you, then for me.” I almost refused to promise, that was until your shaky ‘Please.’ escaped your lips seconds later. I felt your pain and persistence course through me, leaving me with no other choice. I simply nodded, tears searing the delicate skin under my eyes.
Now, as I watch you from across the court, it all washes back with the strength of a tsunami. I thought of you everyday. It didn’t matter that we haven’t spoken in years. I missed you, but now I understand you. You stand so proudly. And I can now say with the utmost confidence that I understand why you said that to me so many years ago. I feel your eyes on me, and I know you feel mine. I can hear your words, despite your pinched lips. I can feel the poem unfolding. I hear it so clearly.
I love you, and you love me.
But, this is what you love most.
I was a mere stepping stone,
And I don’t regret it one bit.
This is who you are,
And I am so proud.
“Finally.” I whisper to myself as our eyes catch. I notice now that the glint has returned, not in pain, but in pride. Your lips curl, and your arms remain crossed. The small Japanese emblem on your chest barely peaks over the curve of your arms, and the Argentinian emblem on mine is perfectly visible.
The burn has become an obvious truth I held hidden for too long. I love you, dearly, but this is what we were always meant to be. We were always destined to meet here. Though it only serves as an epiphany of all we have become because of one another, and without one another.
‘Thank you.’ I mouth to you from across the court, and my heart flutters as I see your lips turn even further upward and your head nods slightly. I know you’re thanking me too.