Work Text:
If Jaemin went in a hurry to the dormitory building for economics students, it would be nobody else's business but purely his own. Amidst the roar of the falling snow, his brown coat was the only protection outside his black hoodie. A few snowflakes landed on his hair but Jaemin didn't have time to even brush them off. He was half running, trying his best not to overdo it on the slippery paving.
The streetlights shone dimly and some of the park benches were covered with a white glint of snow that had landed on them. Several people who passed Jaemin walked more calmly, enjoying the quite friendly weather before the blizzard came a few days later and locked them in their room. Tonight is the last night before everything can be enjoyed outside without teeth chattering and lips turning blue. Others choose to be indifferent, or just enjoy the snow in the room with a glass of hot chocolate.
Everyone is making good use of this moment. So is Jaemin. His feet, which were wrapped in black jeans, were already starting to go numb due to the distance he had traveled from his own dormitory building. But that did not dampen Jaemin's steps. Even though he was alone among the people walking in pairs past him, he didn't take it to heart because in his pocket, his cell phone still recorded the messages that came in from a line of names he had memorized by heart.
I started to think that you’re the only one that could make this day to the brightest
I don’t know when I started to think like that
I guess because I saw the rain and remember you
Or maybe it’s in the air
Jaemin
I don’t know how to ask you to meet without being a fool
Maybe if it wasn't the best message Jaemin had ever received, he wouldn't be so excited.
//
"You came." Jeno's breath was warm despite the distance that lay between them.
Jaemin could feel it as thin as dew. Can feel it between his fingers.
"Yeah." In fact, I don't know how to act in front of you without being a fool too, Lee Jeno. Jaemin didn't say that.
"You must be freezing."
"Then warm me."
Jaemin's voice sounded like an invitation, a demand he never imagined he would say. On other occasions, those words might just come out of a box of cold food begging to be eaten, but right now, Jaemin wanted nothing more than Jeno's arms around his waist.
Jeno answered with a smile. He tugged at the hem of Jaemin's coat, and without noticing their stark difference in temperature because he was in a heated room, he pressed their lips together without hesitation.
Even though Jaemin gave up his comfortable night ending with him stepping in the snow for almost twenty minutes, there was nothing new about the kiss. The kiss felt just like it had always been. Jeno's warm tongue brushed Jaemin's lips alternately as a sign that he would snuggle into Jaemin's cold lips. And as usual, Jaemin will allow it.
The first time they kissed, Jeno's eyes closed beautifully while Jaemin couldn't even move his eyelids. But gradually, after the kiss became familiar, Jeno no longer closed his eyes. Jaemin could see Jeno's eyelashes moving lightly as his lips moved and wondered how someone could be so domineering when all Jaemin saw was his jet colored eyelashes.
Jaemin closed his eyes. He then pulled his body from Jeno's lips, letting Jeno's tongue taste the empty air.
"N-now I'm freezing," he said.
"Oh, baby." Jeno no longer hesitated to wrap his arms around Jaemin's body, not caring even though the snow had melted and made the coat heavier.
This, Jaemin thought when Jeno didn't wait to close their bodies and kiss him savagely. There's nothing new about that kiss. But maybe that was what they wanted in the midst of the many strange feelings that had rained down on them that night.
//
After the kiss went from hot and familiar to exhausting, they took off Jaemin's wet coat and jeans. Jaemin was only wearing his shorts but the heating in Jeno's room was more than enough that he even took off his hoodie shortly after, joining Jeno who was wearing sweatpants and a shirt that was too thin. Neither cup of hot chocolate was in their hands.
Only a thermos of hot water was prepared by Jeno on the table, the television was still showing the weather forecast for tomorrow faintly (a little snow and a lot of rain), and Jaemin's favorite knitted blanket that Jeno bought from the bazaar in his department. Jeno warmed Jaemin's hands by holding them tightly in front of his chest. Jaemin sat sideways beside him, his legs stretched across Jeno's thighs. The blanket covered most of his legs but Jeno could feel Jaemin's feet rubbing lightly for warmth.
Jaemin slowly leaned his head on Jeno's shoulder. He thought, maybe a twenty minute walk through the slippery paving wouldn't be so bad.
“You missed me,” Jaemin whispered, as if he was afraid to share the secret with the snow that was slowly knocking on Jeno's window.
Jeno muttered in agreement.
"Just a little," he added with a smile. He hated the feeling of stagnation that bore him, but the familiar feeling that was emitting from Jaemin's body thrilled him more than anything. If he bumped into the dozen or so principles he'd been holding on to just to feel this; Jaemin's body next to his in a not-seducing manner, he didn't need an argument to justify his actions.
Right or wrong, no one can fully explain Na Jaemin.
"But like snow," Jeno continued. He stroked Jaemin's knuckles gently with his fingers, then landed a soft kiss on each of the man's fingers. Pretty. It wasn't just fingers squeezing Jeno's sheets or hair as they made love. Pretty as in when Jaemin tucked his slightly long hair behind his ear or felt the texture of the painting on the canvas. Pretty like the least platonic love on earth and the purest.
"Its so much, I can't contain how wet it caused."
If when they first met Jeno said he was from the literature department, Jaemin would immediately believe it. Everyone is often deceived by the elegant appearance that makes Jeno look like a fuckboy, but behind that, Jaemin seems to be able to see how Jeno's brain works and slowly utters a line of words that never stop bewitching him.
Maybe Jaemin is jealous, because he talks more through colors while Jeno can describe colors so clearly. Or maybe Jaemin was blown away and drowned. His floating self in that sea of feelings might not be recognized by him, but he kept himself there. Only Jeno can reach it.
"But you, my Jaemin." There's always a different tone when Jeno says 'my Jaemin'. For Jaemin it is like a prank, or a call to persuade a child who is sulking. But he didn't protest.
None of them ever protested.
"Always surprise me. You know I could pick you up, why walked all the way?” asked Jeno.
Maybe it was the snow getting heavier, the television getting louder, or the sound of muffled laughter in the other room, but Jaemin could feel the rhythmic beating in his heart as Jeno looked at him. 1 1 1 1. One for each beat. Neither of them could hear it but Jaemin could feel it as thick as air. Hover between them.
"Because I know you're gonna hug me longer if I did that."
Maybe it was the fog that messed with their minds. But Jaemin blamed their next hot kiss on Jeno's crescent smile that greeted him even though the night was always cloudy.
//
Jaemin thought he and Jeno were much simpler than people thought.
Because Donghyuck and Renjun would call him stupid, Mark would sigh in disappointment, Chenle would pat him on the shoulder sympathetically, and Jisung always smiled encouragingly. His friends' responses are always different and Jaemin doesn't know who to sympathize with when his friends always put him in a position that deserves to be pitied.
Maybe, the nights where he left his room empty and slept with Jeno would be easier for him to remember as a beautiful thing if only Donghyuck didn't have to pick him up with a sour expression and empty curses after that. It's not like Jeno just kidnapped him, so Jaemin always reminds Donghyuck of this after apologizing to Jeno.
“You are blinded by love,” snorted Donghyuck as he brought his painting equipment. The watercolors would sway and wet the bottle cap when Donghyuck carried the bag, so Jaemin just handed him his canvas and drawing book. “Can you believe that? You are blinded by something that he couldn't even give you."
From Donghyuck's nagging, what Jaemin wanted to ask was 'could you really give love?'. But he knew better not to prolong the conversation because Donghyuck, like the rest of his friends, hated detailed explanations about his relationship with a certain Lee Jeno.
“He was with the other guy yesterday. You wouldn't believe it if I told you who. But can you please consider that? He's just being horny. And not just with you. With everything that moves and have a hole. He's an asshole, Nana. And the biggest one because he manages to have you. Some people consider having you as a blessing. But apparently, not him. La da da. Surprise surprise."
Jaemin just smiled. Because he knows Donghyuck doesn't know Lee Jeno that well. And because Donghyuck doesn't know Lee Jeno like he does, Donghyuck doesn't need to know that those nights weren't all about exchanging sperm and saliva. The thing is, wherever Jaemin sleeps and in any position, Jeno will stick by his side. Touch him, even if it's a little hot. Hold him, when it's cold. Hug him, when he wasn't even ready to be hugged. Keep him, though Jaemin wasn't sure one of them belonged to the other.
In fact, a certain Lee Jeno made him feel things that had never even existed.
//
Jaemin thought his friends would lessen their hatred of his relationship with Lee Jeno when they see what Lee Jeno was really capable of.
Renjun would probably bury him in the eye when he found out that Jeno even dared to step foot into the art faculty, but Jaemin didn't want to refuse Jeno's offer to accompany him to take extra training.
"Hmm. You can paint and I could tell you a story.” Jeno just finished his soccer practice. Indoors, of course, considering it's been snowing almost every day these days. Jaemin could smell the scent of shampoo typical of public bathrooms and the smell of Jeno's jeans jacket that had been worn too many times. Jaemin asked why Jeno was willing to accompany him on campus after class ended and that was Jeno's answer.
Jaemin smiled. He may seem a mess after spending a day in the showroom tending and preparing various painting equipment from the deteriorating weather (he's sure there are paint stains on the hem of his pants and elbows, courtesy of clumsy Park Jisung), but he never bothers to prepare himself every time he meets Jeno. Because as everyone understands, you don't preen for your friends.
Seeing Jaemin who was focusing on painting, Jeno was stunned in his place. He sat next to the younger. His chin rested on his hand so he wouldn't get tired of watching the man moves on the canvas. A painting that paint, Jeno thought, because Jaemin is a masterpiece.
Jaemin's hair swayed as his arm moved. Jeno wanted to bury his face there. The same position as he did last night, when Jaemin was fast asleep hugging the blanket and Jeno hugged him from behind. Jaemin never knew but Jeno missed him more than he should.
Slowly Jeno got up from his place. Without hesitation he pulled up another round chair, placed it right behind Jaemin's chair, then sat on it and hugged the man from behind. He buried his face into Jaemin's back hair. Because as everyone understands, you don't wait for your friend.
“Where is my story?” Jeno could hear Jaemin's mumbling.
"This is your story," Jeno answered. He rested his head on Jaemin's back, his arms wrapped perfectly around Jaemin's stomach and even though there were two other people who were also busy painting in other parts of the room, their bodies were perfectly close. “You are a beauty that deserves to be worshipped. The whole civilization get dragged in front of you.”
"And you are?" Jaemin stopped painting, but Jeno didn't feel guilty at all.
“The man of caprice that knelt them for you so they realized how much they missed.”
When Jeno and Jaemin slept that night, without distance, their hands on top of each other and Jeno's legs crossed over Jaemin's waist, with Jaemin facing Jeno's chest and Jeno kissing Jaemin's head constantly, everyone understood that that was what happened when you love your friend.
//
And then I realized
You are the remedy
That keeps me coming
To the sickness
Because no matter how far I have to galloping after
The tragedy follows
"Then what?" Renjun demanded. “He had sex with a girl from his class so he could fuck back to you with his mushy text? Uh, said 'no, thanks', Nana."
As if not enough with words, Renjun handed Jaemin's cellphone, raising his eyebrows to wait for Jaemin to type a message according to what he said.
“N-o t-h-a-n-k-s, geez you lost your ability to write or what?” after not being greeted for almost two minutes, Renjun bent his arm, typing his own message on Jaemin's cell phone. Of course he didn't just send 'no, thanks' for Jeno's last message.
Jaemin just stayed where he was. Chenle looked at him in confusion.
"That's it? You're letting him text Jeno like that?” Chenle asked.
"And of course not just 'like that', hear hear," Renjun reopened the message he sent to Jeno, then read it aloud in front of Jaemin and Chenle. "'How poetic. Maybe it will be more convincing if you're not sticking your dick to someone's vagina right now, but I guess I'll just take what I get which is your last drop of dignity. And hear, my friend Renjun told me his professor taught him how to make better metaphor so this is for you, baby: ‘you are so original, because no one would ever be as biggest jerk as you’. I hope you like it, xoxo.'"
Chenle gasped, laughter was about to burst from his mouth while Renjun dropped Jaemin's phone lightly on the pillow as if he had just given a punchline in a stand up comedy performance. Jaemin just kept mum.
“Renjun, you are so extra. But he must've know it already that its not Nana.”
"Who cares?" Renjun replied fiercely. He furrowed his nose in discontent and Jaemin knew this time the expression was directed at him. He smiled a little. Compared to what he said, Renjun actually cares. A lot.
"Leave him, Nana. You know better than me. He brings you nothing.”
Jaemin knew his friends would think Jeno needed to spread flower petals every time he walked, so he didn't expect anything from Renjun.
“What did he supposed to bring me, Jun?” Jaemin finally answered. “I never expect my friends to bring me anything, do I?”
Renjun and Chenle might have wanted to hit him to another planet to wake him up right then and there, but they realized Jaemin was smart enough to understand the consequences of his actions.
//
Of course without being told, Jeno knew it wasn't Jaemin who sent the message to him. His Jaemin, once again, his Jaemin would never have sent such a message to anyone on earth. So there is no reason for him not to show his trademark smile when Jaemin appears in front of his room.
"Jeno."
Jeno nodded and grabbed Jaemin in his arms. He pulled Jaemin inside and closed the door. Without letting go of his arm, he brought Jaemin into his room. It was a bit of a hassle to take off Jaemin's coat, but Jeno didn't want to let go of his grip on the man's body.
“Its beautiful,” Jaemin said after Jeno carefully threw him onto the bed.
Jeno returned his crescent moon smile. "Thank you."
That's dangerous, Jaemin thought. But Jeno didn't give him time to be dumbfounded. He joined the bed, hugging Jaemin's body while kissing his lips many times.
"You don't need to feel sorry about the text," Jeno whispered while stroking Jaemin's cheek. Jaemin's eyes always sparkle and Jeno never misses seeing the sincerity there. Oh, to be in Na Jaemin's eyes.
Jaemin nodded weakly.
"I framed your text," Jaemin finally replied.
"Framed?"
Jaemin nodded again. This time his hand grabbed Jeno's body back so there would be no distance between them. “Printed it and put it in my bedroom. Maybe I like it too much.”
“Hm…” Jeno mumbled listening to it. The back of his finger was still comfortable stroking Jaemin's face. When Jaemin's eyes looked up to catch his eyes, Jeno mumbled quietly again. He knew Jaemin knew. He knew Jaemin knew that he knew. They would explain it later or not at all, but they were in front of each other now and if they were to spend time alone thinking about this, it would be a waste to think about anything else.
Jeno lowered his head, then planted his lips on Jaemin's forehead, eyelids, nose, lips, and finally his chin. Then he inched to move his body until it was on top of the man. He gave light kisses along Jaemin's neck.
"Maybe I want you to." He buried his head into Jaemin's chest before taking off his pants.
Jaemin hugged him tightly, even as Jeno took off his own pants. Now they are only wrapped in sweaters. But no one seemed to have any intention of letting go of the sweater. With his lube-soaked hands, Jeno slowly massaged Jaemin's hole. He kept kissing Jaemin's neck. Jaemin accepted it happily, shyly opening his legs and twitching every time Jeno's curious finger touched his skin.
“Relax…” Jeno whispered as his long finger slowly entered Jaemin. He let Jaemin move in response to his finger before he reacted to relax Jaemin's wall. The fingers grew to two, then three, until Jaemin's hip movements started to become chaotic and he could no longer endure without Jeno's lips on his.
While still returning Jaemin's warm kiss, Jeno straightened his thighs slightly, then slid himself into Jaemin with one swoop. Jaemin doesn't like being entered slowly.
"This is it, baby?" Jeno whispered, putting some distance between their faces.
Jaemin nodded, his legs quickly hugged Jeno's hips and made them move more in sync.
Its soft, maybe because not only did they break their gaze or because Jeno pulled the blanket over their still twitching bare feet. But its soft because Jeno's hand is holding Jaemin's hand, making sure Jaemin feels the pleasure he feels, and keeps their sex fun. Its soft because it's about the two of them.
"Jaemin, you're with me?" Jeno whispered, stopping from kissing along Jaemin's neckline.
Jaemin nodded, speechless.
So Jeno braced his knees on the bed and stomped his hips harder than before. A sigh escaped Jaemin's lips while Jeno maintained his movement to aim for a spot inside Jaemin's body that would fly them into the clouds.
“T-there! More. A little bit more…”
Jeno straightened his arms, supporting his body on top of Jaemin's. A second later, Jaemin pulled the hem of his sweater and bit it, while his cock emptied the sperm from inside his body. The sight alone was enough to push Jeno down into the pit of true pleasure, then out when he was at Jaemin's deepest point.
When he opened his eyes, Jaemin was busy cleaning his own cum on his stomach. Jeno gasped for breath.
"Here," after throwing the tissue on the floor of the room carelessly, Jaemin opened his hand. Without pulling himself from inside Jaemin, Jeno landed his body on top of the man's body. He closed his eyes and could feel Jaemin's hands hugging him, then pulled the blanket up higher without caring they were still wearing sweaters and sweating.
“Oh, Jaeminnie,” Jeno whispered as he inhaled Jaemin's full lung. He landed his face on Jaemin's nape, letting his powerless body be embraced by Jaemin. “You are truly the best.”
//
Renjun had never been this angry.
According to him, Jaemin has done a lot of stupid things in his life, but nothing surpasses this moment. Even when Jaemin happily obliged into a 'relationship' with Lee Jeno which he hated with all his heart (even though it was Renjun who ended up cursing himself because he invited Jaemin to that nightclub where his best friend was trapped with Jeno Lee until now). Right now, Jaemin's actions made Renjun want to pull out all his hair because he couldn't believe he couldn't even scold the younger.
"Come on, Nana. Its been five days. Lets go,” Renjun couldn't find anything else to persuade his best friend.
"Or at least, eat this, Jaemin," Jisung asked.
But Jaemin didn't budge and that's when Renjun knew something must be wrong. Jaemin could never stand it when Jisung begged him. On another day, Jaemin was willing to leave his class when Jisung was sick and would not refuse any of the youngest's requests. But now, Jaemin is different.
He was still sitting in front of his canvas, focused on painting colors without paying attention to his three friends who were about to cry.
“Jaemin…” Chenle called weakly.
Nothing moved other than Jaemin's hand, which was nimble in brushing the brush. It had been four days since Jaemin ate rice, but his energy was overflowing uncontrollably.
Renjun finally slams the food wrap he brought on the table, surprising only Jisung and Chenle, but not bothering Jaemin at all. “Fine!” he shouted angrily.
"Whatever. You want to keep painting until you're faint? Fine. If that's what you want. Do it, then. Do it 'till you die. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you but this is not cool and upsetting for us. If you don't care about your friends anymore, fine. If you don't care about what your body has been telling you, fine. I'm fucking done with you, you can die, for all I care!”
Renjun's chest heaved up and down after he finished shouting. His relatively small body did not prevent him from letting out all his anger just like that. Jisung held his breath and Chenle clutched the edge of the sofa, worried about what would happen. Everyone was waiting for Jaemin who was still dumbfounded without looking at them.
But apparently, Jaemin really doesn't care because all he does is continue to draw. Since the arrival of his three friends, he only gave a faint nod, the rest was nothing. He ignored Jisung's request to eat or Renjun's emotional outburst. He was firmly in place even though Chenle tried to pull him away from the canvas.
Renjun with anger still running high galloped out, no longer bothering to be polite. Jisung and Chenle looked at each other before following behind. They didn't know what to do, but Jaemin was as hard as a rock now, so all they could do was try to calm Renjun's anger. Maybe they could try to persuade Jaemin again later.
The three of them left Jaemin's dorm. Renjun's steps were tense and his face was bright red. Jisung and Chenle hurriedly followed worriedly.
“W-where are we going, Jun?” Jisung asked timidly as Renjun looked steady with his steps towards campus.
“The last resort,” Renjun muttered, not daring to say more or he would still explode. Jisung and Chenle knew this, chose to follow Renjun in silence while trying to send a message to Donghyuck and Mark, reporting this incident.
Suddenly their steps stopped as Renjun's body froze. The two of them raised their heads and realized they were already at the business school, where the garden with the seven-story fountain was. Renjun's eyes fell to one point, and in an instant he was staring at the figure who was chatting with several girls at once.
"Yah, you fucking asshole!" without further ado, he grabbed Lee Jeno by the collar, dragging him almost falling off the park bench. The girls squealed in surprise seeing this happening while Chenle and Jisung hurriedly restrained Renjun. But Renjun's angry energy is no joke. He didn't care and dragged Jeno until he was standing some distance from where he was. Then without lowering his voice, he pushed the man's chest roughly. "You bastard."
"Hey, hey!" Jeno tried to control the atmosphere that suddenly heated up. He who had just left class and was helping his friends understand microeconomics was certainly surprised by the sudden arrival of three of Jaemin's friends. Usually, they pretended not to know him. Only this time Renjun clearly showed hatred in front of him. “You can't just come to my department and–”
"And what? I fucking dare you. Continue that while my friend are in the verge of death right now because of you, you fucking jerk!” Renjun didn't wait to bark and put out his most venomous expression. Jisung's long fingers still gripped his shirt sleeves and Chenle's arms still wrapped around his waist.
Jeno's face turned confused a second later. But before he could ask, Jisung had already taken over the conversation before more and more people were paying attention to them.
"Jaemin," he quickly retorted and Jeno's expression changed again. "Something wrong with him."
"What happened?" Jeno's growl that was caught by Renjun suddenly turned into concern. Renjun was too angry to realize this but Chenle and Jisung sighed.
“We don't know yet,” Chenle kindly replied in a neutral tone without hostility. According to him, they should face this problem together, not against each other.
However, he couldn't completely blame Renjun because he didn't really like the man in front of him either. “But he been locking himself in his dorm. Refusing to go out and eat for five days now. Just painting. We believe he didn't get any sleep either."
Jeno's eyes opened wide hearing that but Renjun was not having any of it.
“What the fuck did you do to him?” fierce attack. He didn't give Jeno a chance to answer or defend himself because he had already opened his mouth again, “no, I knew it was you. He was fine five days ago. He was having fun with us until you called. He left and the next thing we know, he's keeping his mouth shut. It was your fault.”
"Did I-"
"Think, for God's sake." This time Jisung rolled his eyes. Not only is his patience thinning due to facing Jaemin and Renjun, but Jeno, who is considered quite weak in understanding this. “You have a brain in your head. Think and please remember what did you do that night that made him upset. He might be never really bothered to show you that emotion but we're his bestfriends. We could tell.”
Jeno brushed his hair roughly, not only frustrated by the presence of three people he didn't expect, but also because he couldn't remember anything from five days ago.
"But I didn't call him five days ago," he finally said after confirming his memory.
Renjun's eyes narrowed. "Now you're lying? You're fucking lying in front of my face?”
"Trust me I didn't call him!" Jeno defends himself.
“Where were you five days ago?” Chenle finally interrupted.
Jeno snorted loudly. “In classes. I had three that day and then I went home. After that… partying. You know Lucas Wong? He invited me to his frat house. Then I knocked up until morning. The last time I met Jaemin was almost a week ago. I never called him after that. He said he wanted to focus on his assignment in the gallery.”
The fact that Jeno knows the most important thing in Jaemin's life right now can at least make Renjun, Jisung, and Chenle's anger subside a little.
“But you called him,” replied Chenle. Then feeling the need to explain, he continued, “we were having a movie night in my apartment. Then you called. I saw it on his phone. Then he left."
"I didn't-" Jeno's words stopped. Suddenly he reached for the phone in his pocket and tried to open his call history. Renjun, who was curious, grabbed Jeno's cell phone and looked up the call history of five days ago.
"You are a fucking liar," then after finding Jaemin's name in the call history at 11 pm, he showed it in Jeno's face.
Jeno stared at him. He quickly grabbed his phone and checked the call. Sure enough, the call went through for almost twenty minutes.
“Wait, what… I don't remember any of this,” Jeno muttered.
“Just say you're lying and I'll end this with a punch,” Renjun growled.
But Jeno's attention was completely distracted. He blinked and held his head, trying his best to remember what happened five days ago as Jisung had ordered. I went partying at 9… then drinking my ass off until I can't remember anything to the next day. But wait… I must've remember something. Okay… I remember going to the backyard. Someone handed me a booze. Then it was blurry. Oh, wait. I saw a girl. No. I met a girl. We… talk? I guess… Uh, maybe going a little bit far. Not just kissing. We must be snogging. She asked about something… what is it…
Jeno tried to match his memory with the clock on his cellphone. He let Renjun repeat a number of curses in front of him. He just focused on bringing back his memories that night.
“He then went to see me?” Jeno asked then.
Chenle nodded impatiently. “Of course! He was on the phone with you when he left.”
Twenty minutes is not a short time. Jeno didn't remember the conversation he had with Jaemin at all, but he could tell that their phone had been disconnected while Jaemin was on his way to the frat house.
He must've come for me. Something definitely happened.
“I… I have to go,” Jeno immediately grabbed his bag.
"Go? Where the fuck–”
“To Jaemin, of course. Now, excuse me," Jeno interrupted impatiently before running towards Jaemin's dorm. He could still hear Renjun's screams, warning him that he would dismember his body if he dared to hurt Jaemin. Jeno decided not to listen to that. Apart from wanting to focus on Jaemin, of course he didn't intend to hurt Jaemin in the slightest.
//
"Jaemin?" Jeno's voice never hesitated.
Jaemin should have known that. But when his head was just filled with a fog of emptiness and all his senses were fixed on his third painting of the past few days, he argued his focus was too precious to be broken into anything else at this point.
"Jaemin?" this time accompanied by a gentle touch on his shoulder.
Jaemin's cold shoulders even when he was in the room for days made Jeno's hairs grow. Jaemin only wore a shabby white sleeveless shirt that was already smudged by paint and his favorite training pants that looked like they had holes at the knees.
"Hey, hey." Jaemin didn't react, so Jeno took a step forward, turned Jaemin's body away from the canvas and turned his shoulders to face him. But unlike usual, what greeted him was only black eyes staring at him weakly.
"What's wrong, baby?"
Jaemin groaned softly, refusing to be touched and trying to reach his brush again.
"No, no. Jaemin, listen to me,” Jeno held his hand away.
But Jaemin roughly pushed Jeno's hand and brought his body closer to his painting. Jeno looked at him in disbelief. Instead of being offended, his worries exploded. Gritting his jaw, he slapped the paint on Jaemin's left hand roughly until it fell to the floor and the contents scattered around the carpet.
"Wake up. Talk to me. Don't do this."
Jaemin froze in place. For a second, Jeno thought Jaemin was listening to him and was about to speak. But apparently Jaemin bent down, took his paint bottle and dipped his brush calmly to continue painting.
For fuck sake. So Jeno had no other choice. He snatched the brush and paint holder from Jaemin's hand, then picked up the man and carried him to his room. Jaemin's body felt many times lighter than Jeno remembered and when he managed to lay him down on the bed, he could clearly see his thin cheeks and the dark hollows under his eyes.
“Do you think its pretty? When people said they locked themselves in a room and didn't eat for days? Do you think this look good on you? Jaemin, baby." Jeno swallowed. “Whatever happens to you right now… I guarantee, it doesn't suit you.”
Jaemin, who was getting ready to get up from the bed he hadn't used for the past few days, stared at Jeno silently. His lips parted slightly, but he didn't say anything. It was Jeno who opened his bag, took out a bottle of water, then slowly brought it to Jaemin's lips. His expression softened.
"For you, baby," he coaxed softly.
Then slowly Jaemin let the water wet his lips and throat. He drank the water in Jeno's bottle until its empty. Jeno was sure he saw the open food on the table, it seemed from Jaemin's friends who were here before. So he got up, hurriedly carried it back to the bed.
"I'll feed you," Jeno said while spooning food and pointing it at Jaemin's mouth.
"But I'm not a baby." For the first time, Jaemin said quietly.
Jeno smiled and stroked Jaemin's face. "You are my baby." Then without letting Jaemin argue, he fed food into Jaemin's mouth. He let the man chew slowly in a half-sleeping position. He didn't stop even though Jaemin almost refused when the food on the plate was halfway down. Inevitably, Jaemin finished his food.
“Do you wanna rest now?” asked Jeno. “We can talk later when you are well-rested.”
"I don't want to t-"
"We have to." Jeno looked at him intently. “I need to know why you did this, Jaemin. I have to know what happened five days ago outside Lucas's frat house.”
Jaemin's eyes widened slightly, a sign that Jeno's words were true. Something happened between them five days ago and Jaemin shut himself up because of it.
"Why? You don't even remember then why?” demanded Jaemin. Jeno shifted his body to the middle of the bed, fixed Jaemin's pillow, and wrapped it up to his chest.
"Jaemin," he kissed Jaemin's temple for a moment. “We both know it is important for me, baby. Now sleep."
Jaemin's eyes narrowed. Then accompanied by a light massage on the soles of his feet, he fell asleep.
//
“To be or not to be.”
I want to be loved by you. Because the last thing I remember is that you don't need me and we have nothing to do with each other.
It was past midnight when Jaemin opened his still heavy eyes. He had slept more than twelve hours, but with the hectic schedule of his life the last few days, it seemed very short. His body felt heavy, tired; he needs a shower. But it seems that this will be difficult to realize when Jeno's body is hugging him, almost pressing him on the blanket. Even though their bodies were covered by a thick blanket, Jaemin could still feel Jeno's hand shadowing his arm, Jeno's stomach at his side, and Jeno's leg resting on his thigh.
Unable to do anything, Jaemin could only blink his eyes, staring at the ceiling while projecting the last time his memory was functioning properly. But unfortunately, what was recorded in his brain was far from good, five days ago.
That night Jaemin was with his friends when suddenly Jeno called. Jeno rarely calls, so he's careful to pick up. All he heard was Jeno's chaotic muttering who seemed to be drunk in the crowd. Jeno answered with unrelated things when asked how he was, Jaemin had no choice but to step aside while apologizing to his friends, then tried to speak louder to Jeno.
“Anwer me, Jen. You're still in Yukhei's?” the wind on the balcony slapped Jaemin's cheek.
"Huh? Do I? But I'm outside, tho. I must be at Yukhei's, right? But why am I here?” Jeno's words didn't even make sense. But Jaemin was patient and knew not to panic.
"I'll come and get you, is that okay with you?"
"Yeah! Actually, I like that very much! Jaeminnie will come and get me. Imagine how nice it is. Hey, hey," Jeno was heard calling someone. “Jaeminnie, my Jaeminnie will come and get me. Do you know that? My Jaeminnie will be here!”
Jaemin snorted a little. Jeno sounded enthusiastic. "Don't disturb another people, baby. Just wait for me and sit tight, okay?”
"Baby? BABY? Jaeminnie called me 'baby'?! I love this very much!”
Jaemin couldn't help but smile. He went back inside, where his friends were still waiting for him, apologized in a hurry, grabbed his jacket and small bag, and ran away. His cell phone was still to his ear, where Jeno was still rambling on. Jaemin just hopes Jeno is okay.
After a five-minute taxi ride, he finally arrived at the frat house in question. The place looked lively, as usual when they had a party. But this is the first time Jaemin set foot into that place. He didn't have enough good experience with parties. The last time he came to a party was almost 10 months ago, where he met Jeno. In addition, he chose to avoid the crowd.
Luckily Jeno is not hard to find. His voice on the phone was almost gone, but Jaemin didn't end the call. Instead, he quickly found Jeno's figure standing while leaning against a tree located in the yard of the frat house. Looks like holding his head with a girl holding a bottle of mineral water in front of him. Jaemin quickly approached Jeno.
"Jen-" Jaemin called.
But a second later, Jeno straightened up, then grabbed the shoulder of the girl in front of him, turning their position so that the girl's back was against the tree. That's when Jaemin could see Jeno's cell phone poking out of Jeno's back pocket, still showing their connecting calls. Jaemin lifted his face again and saw how greedily Jeno devoured the lips of the girl in front of him.
Jeno is drunk, Jaemin thought. So he didn't have to think about much now other than bringing Jeno home safely. Careless is Jeno's nature, so whatever the guy does when he's drunk shouldn't affect Jaemin. Should not.
In all his life, Jaemin never thought a human could make a mistake. Everyone has reasons and backgrounds for doing things that others can't understand. But in fact, that night what he had been thinking all along had changed because his choice to approach was a mistake. He could hear Jeno's breath, which had now released his lips from the bite of the girl in front of him.
"It's been awhile, Jeno," the girl voiced, wrapping her arms around Jeno's neck.
"Yeah? You missed me?”
“More than anything.”
That's a lie, right?
“No one missed me as much as you did before.”
Oh. Oh. Jaemin stopped his steps, no matter how his heart told him to keep moving and grabbed Jeno's shoulder. One more step, but he decided to stop. The snow slowly started to fall and Jaemin shuddered at the thought of Jeno having to survive in such a thin t-shirt and leather jacket.
“Hm… I miss your poem. Your beautiful words. I'm waiting for my song, Jeno."
“Oh, that was you? I remember about a promise to make someone a song, but I can't remember who." Jeno sounded amused.
"You're so mean, Jeno..." the girl stretched her last words. Jeno tilted his head, apparently landing a peck on the girl's lips.
"Sorry, baby."
Wrong, it sounds so wrong in Jaemin's ear. Maybe because Jeno easily calls other people by his favorite pet name. Or because he wasn't the one who was talking to Jeno. It could be because he hoped the conversation would take place at another time. When he wasn't there.
Because isn't it his fault of being where he shouldn't be when he shouldn't be? Jeno drunk called him. He didn't know what he was doing before. Jeno didn't even ask to be picked up. Jaemin volunteered to offer it to him. Jaemin shouldn't be here so he doesn't have to look at Jeno's comfortable hand holding the waist of a girl he doesn't know, talking like he was talking to Jaemin. Jeno can do it to anyone and anytime. Maybe Jaemin had chosen to skip it because they were just friends.
Maybe Jaemin was fine with that status until he got one of the most beautiful fruits in the world: knowledge and consciousness.
When Jeno finally landed his lips on the girl in front of him again and inappropriate voices filled his ears, Jaemin doubted whether this incident was real or not. What is clear, the burden of the word friend is slowly being felt on his shoulders and unfortunately, he has no answers to the questions that slowly appear in his head.
Jaemin was awakened by Jeno who was still curled up beside him. Jeno's warm breath brushed against his face. Of course, it was snowing outside, just like the weather prediction Jaemin had last heard yesterday. The burden of what happened a few days ago outside the frat house flooded into Jaemin's head again.
“To be or not to be.”
Everything would be easy if Jaemin could choose not to be burdened by Jeno's words yesterday. After all, Jeno was drunk and he was clearly a fool to believe anything that came out of Jeno's mouth when he was unconscious. But unfortunately, Jaemin couldn't prove all that. Whatever happened in his mind was just an assumption, as well as what actually happened five days ago. And Jaemin has no right to ask.
He can choose to be indifferent to what happens between him and Jeno, but at the end of the day, he can't choose how he should feel when things are going as they should. Wouldn't that be so, if their status had only been friends?
His eyes heated up and Jaemin forced himself up from Jeno's confinement.
Jeno just mumbled briefly in his sleep.
The room felt much warmer than yesterday but Jaemin's feet were cold. Something seemed to sink in his stomach and the next thing he knew, he scrambled to his feet with all his might, then staggered into the bathroom. He sat right in front of the toilet, where he threw up almost his meager stomach.
And so on for almost a few minutes until his eyes welled with tears and he could feel a lump of ecstasy on his lips. He didn't want to eat anymore after this.
Jaemin doesn't remember he hit something, but when he felt Jeno's hands on his shoulders, shoulders and back, then his whole body, he probably hit something until Jeno woke up.
His eyes felt dizzy and for a moment all he could see was a smelly brown lump in the toilet whirlpool. Jaemin's hand gripped the cold toilet, gripping it tightly as he emptied his stomach.
“Baby, oh, no…” he could hear Jeno's worried sigh. He threw Jeno's hand from his shoulder weakly. Its disgusting. They are friends but watching Jaemin vomit is not Jeno's obligation and responsibility at all.
"Nana?"
The next thing Jaemin knew, he was sobbing with drool on his chin and vomit on the hem of his shirt. Its so pathetic, he thought. I'm so pathetic.
But Jeno must have thought this wrong because without hesitation, he wrapped his arms around Jaemin's stomach, just sat on the cold bathroom floor, then kissed Jaemin's bare shoulder. "Its okay, sssh... its' okay."
No, I am not okay, Jaemin said for the first time in 22 years of his life. I'm so disgusting. He felt dirty. When was the first time I'm so easy to manipulate?
He felt helpless.
“I need you to go.” He hated his body that rejected his own words. He hated himself for betraying the tranquility he had been living in. “We are not friends.” And one bitter fact rolled from his lips. "Leave me!"
He took a deep breath as Jeno's arms loosened from his body.
Its better this way.
Perhaps the pain that had blinded him the past few days was nothing compared to what he would experience from now on. But Jaemin was ready.
All that pretty things, he assured himself. Better be gone from me. He didn't have a string of beautiful words like Jeno but he knew Jeno understood.
After all, whatever happened between them was not worth expressing in beautiful words.
end