Chapter Text
The 1950s opening theme of WandaVision played as a car drove the street with a 'Just Married' sign at the back. Wanda was in a wedding dress with Vision driving the car.
Everyone was shocked, and Wanda and Vision's jaws dropped.
"Uh, why is Vision there?" asked Scott hesitantly. "I thought he was…you know."
Everyone was confused.
"You're right," said Bruce slowly. "What's going on?"
"Why is everything black and white?" Steve said curiously.
Tony snorted. "Of course, you would notice that, you old man."
Steve rolled his eyes. "It's kind of hard to miss."
"Kind of rich coming from you, Tony," said Peter. "You're, like, super old."
Everyone snickered as Tony baulked. "Take that back right now!"
"If you're done arguing, I can tell you that you guys are missing something obvious," said Natasha with an exasperated look. "Wanda and Vision are married."
There was a beat of silence before everyone started congratulating them. Wanda and Vision beamed, although they were still confused, and Wanda looked at the screen longingly. Vision was her husband.
Vision looked curiously at the screen. "I know this town."
Everyone was taken aback; Wanda, most of all. "What?"
"It's Westview, New Jersey. I bought a…." Vision hesitated and took Wanda hand. "I bought a house for us to grow old in."
Wanda gasped and then kissed him as everyone else smiled.
Peter wrinkled his nose. "Why New Jersey? Couldn't you find someplace better?" Tony nudged Peter to shut up while Steve and Bucky snorted.
"How did you pay for it, though?" Wanda asked.
Before Vision could answer, Tony interrupted him. "Well, his dad's a billionaire," he said, pointing to himself. "But it would've been nice if Bruce paid for child support."
Bruce rolled his eyes. "I'm not paying child support when you're a billionaire, Tony."
"But how is any of this happening?" said Rhodey. Everyone wondered the same.
Wanda used her magic to put a sold sign on top of the 'For Sale' sign.
Clint looked taken aback. "I didn't know you could do that."
Wanda blinked in surprise. "I didn't know either."
"Why aren't your powers red now?" asked Tony.
"I don't know."
Stephen looked at Wanda curiously as she created the sign spontaneously. He had a bad feeling about this.
♪ WandaVision! ♪
"WandaVision," said Natasha. "That's cute."
Vision dropped Wanda while phasing through the door.
Everyone laughed as Vision apologized.
Wanda smiled at that, and Vision came back and picked her into the house. The screen showed 'Starring Wanda Maximoff and Vision'.
"Is this a sitcom?" asked Sam hesitantly.
"It looks like The Dick Van Dyke Show's living room," said Peter. "And looks like the 50s."
Wanda sharply sucked in a breath and looked at the set closer. Natasha, Clint, and Vision sent her a curious look. All of them knew Wanda loved The Dick Van Dyke Show.
"Rogers should feel right at home then," said Tony. Steve rolled his eyes again.
"Dick Van Dyke didn't come out until the 60s," Stephen corrected.
"Big difference. The 50s and the 60s are the same anyway," said Peter.
Vision dipped Wanda and kissed her.
"That's adorable," muttered Scott.
♪ WandaVision! ♪ The text 'WandaVision' appeared on the screen.
"Guys, I think this is a sitcom," said Sam.
"Why would there be a sitcom about Wanda and Vision?" Rhodey asked incredulously.
Sam threw his hands in the air. "I don't know. Weirder things have happened. Have you forgotten about half of the universe dying because of six magical stones!"
"Touché."
In the kitchen, Wanda was telepathically cleaning dishes.
"Seriously, though," said Clint. "Why aren't your powers red?"
Wanda shrugged.
"It's a black and white show!" Peter exclaimed.
Steve looked at Wanda's outfit with a slight pang in his heart. It looked so much like the clothes women used to wear in the 40s. It was slightly different, of course, but it was still a lot similar compared to the fashion in the 2010s.
Vision enters, reading a newspaper. Wanda doesn't notice and hits him in the head with a plate, which shatters to the floor.
Everyone laughed.
"My wife and her flying saucers," said Vision.
"Well, she did do that in Wakanda," said Bucky as they all remembered how Wanda destroyed the saucers.
"My husband and his indestructible head," said Wanda.
Everyone winced. Vision's head was definitely not indestructible.
Wanda flinched. "Why would I say that?!"
There was a laughing track.
"There are laughing tracks too?" said Bruce. "This actually is a sitcom."
"Aren't we a fine pair?" Vision asks. Wanda chuckles. Vision walks over and kisses her. She magically repairs the plate and walks over to the fridge while talking. "What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?" asks Wanda.
Peter started to drool. "That sounds so good."
Wanda was taken aback as she just realized that her accent was completely gone. Turns out she wasn't the only one who thought that.
"Where'd your accent go?" Sam asked.
Wanda shrugged. She didn't know either.
"I say, 'Oh, I don't eat food'," replied Vision.
Everyone snickered.
"You're funnier in this, Vision," said Rhodey.
Wanda said that explains the empty refrigerator. Vision asked if there was something special about today. "Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear, but I am doing my best to blend in," said Wanda.
"But both of you are Avengers," said Bruce, confused. "Your neighbours would most probably recognize you."
Vision said someone drew a little heart right above today's date on the calendar. "Oh, yes, the heart!" Wanda exclaimed and turned around to face Vision. "Well, don't tell me you have forgotten, Vis."
Clint snorted. "It's not like you seem to remember either," he told Wanda. A blush spread across Wanda's cheeks.
"And I'm incapable of forgetfulness," said Vision.
"Forgotten"? Oh, Wanda, I'm incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, I'm incapable of exaggeration," said Vision. Wanda told him to tell her what was so important about today's date. Vision hesitates and asks, "What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps, you've forgotten yourself."
Everyone laughed.
Wanda denied that and said she'd been looking forward to it.
"Oh please," said Sam. "Both of you don't remember."
"I think you're right, Son of Wil," Thor said, seriously.
Sam blinked dumbly as everyone else snorted.
"As have I. Today, we are celebrating…" said Vision while looking expectantly at her. "You bet we are." "It's the first time we...have ever celebrated this occasion before." "It's a special day!" "Perhaps an evening…." "Of great significance…." "To us both!" "Naturally." "Obviously." "Exactly." Wanda and Vision kissed. "Well done, us," finished Vision.
Everyone snickered at the two.
Vision said he had to go to work and grabbed his briefcase.
Peter looked at Vision curiously. "Why does Vision have to work?"
"Why are Wanda and Vision in a 1950s sitcom?" Sam shot back. "Who the fuck knows."
No one wanted to mention the elephant in the room – how was Vision alive?
"Oh, don't forget!" said Wanda. Vision grabs his hat off a hook. "I haven't." Wanda gestures to her own face. Vision looks in a mirror, chuckles, and shakes his head, taking on a human appearance. He blows her a kiss, which she catches.
"Aw," said Peter.
Vision told Wanda to have a good day and left. Wanda returns to the calendar and stares at it for a moment. There was a knock at the front door. Wanda opened the door, revealing Agnes, who was holding a house plant.
Peter laughed and sat back in his seat. "This really is a sitcom. All sitcoms have a friendly neighbour."
Wanda smiled. "They do, don't they?"
Agnes introduced herself as Wanda's neighbour, handed her the plant, and invited herself in. "So, what's your name? Where are you from? And most importantly, how's your bridge game, hon?"
Everyone raised an eyebrow.
"More like the nosy neighbour," said Tony.
Wanda closes the door and introduces herself. Agnes and Wanda shake hands. Agnes said she settled in fast and asked if she used a moving company. "I sure did. Those boxes don't move themselves," said Wanda.
Everyone laughed at the joke.
Agnes chuckled and asked what's a single gal like her doing in a big house. Wanda said she wasn't single. "Oh, I don't see a ring," said Agnes. "Well, I assure you I'm married. To a man. A human one and tall," said Wanda.
Natasha groaned. "I know I taught you how to lie properly!"
Wanda's face turned slightly pink. "I know! I don't know why on-screen me is acting like this!"
"As a matter of fact, he'll be home later tonight for a special occasion. Just the two of us," said Wanda. "Oh, is it somebody's birthday?" asked Agnes. "Not a birthday." "Well, today isn't a holiday, is it?" "No, it's not a holiday." "An anniversary then?" "Ye... Yes! Yes! It's our anniversary!"
"That would make sense with the heart," said Bruce.
Clint looked at Wanda curiously. "Are you making these things up?"
Wanda shrugged but was worried. What the hell was happening?
Wanda sits next to Agnes on the couch. "Oh, how marvellous! How many years?" asked Agnes. Wanda said, "Well, it feels like we've always been together."
Peter tilted his head. "Do you not remember?"
Clint blinked in surprise. "How do you not remember?"
Bruce shook his head. "Something is seriously wrong here."
"No shit," said Bucky. "They're in a sitcom!"
"Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd." They both laugh.
"That's pretty sad," said Peter.
"Welcome to the 1950s," said Natasha.
Agnes asked what has she planned. Wanda didn't understand. "For your special night. A young thing like you doesn't have to do much, but it's still fun to set the scene."
Sam looked at Agnes in disgust. "No one needs to know anything about this."
Vision and Wanda blushed.
"Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called 'How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband', and let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, "How To Goose Your Wife So You Don't Lose Your Wife". Hang on. I'll go grab it, and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!" Agnes leaves.
Everyone except Bucky and Steve laughed.
"That's such an old lady thing to say," said Peter, snickering.
Wanda gasps softly in satisfaction. "Oh."
Wanda was still looking at the screen longingly. This was the life she wanted. Obviously not the life of a 1950s housewife, but a home with Vision.
At Computational Services Inc., Vision sits at his desk in a cluster of other desks where his co-workers sit, including Norm next to him. Norm has 'Yakety Yak' playing on the radio.
"That song is so old," said Peter.
Vision speeds through computations at inhuman speed.
Everyone looked impressed.
"Aren't you trying to fit in?" asked Natasha dryly. "I don't think typing that fast would make you seem normal."
"It's okay," said Vision. "No one's looking."
Vision grabs a stack of papers and brings them to Norm. "Gee willikers, that was fast! Hey, the music isn't bothering you, is it, pal?" asks Norm.
Tony raised an eyebrow. "Gee willikers?" he asked incredulously. "Sounds like some old man thing Steve would say."
Steve rolled his eyes. "When have I ever said gee willikers, Tony?"
"I don't know. I don't keep track of the shit you say."
Vision said no. Norm asks if there is something he could help Vision with. "Yes, as a matter of fact, there is," said Vision. "Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here exactly? Do we make something?"
Everyone furrowed their eyebrows. On-screen Vision was way too confused. What the hell was going on?!
"No." "Right. Do we buy or sell something?" "No and no." "Then what is the purpose of this company?"
"How does Vision not know the purpose of the company he's working at?" asked Scott.
"All I know is since you've gotten here, productivity has gone up 300%."
Clint snorted. "Considering how fast Vision was typing, I can see why."
"Yes, but what is it we're producing?" "Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You're like a walking computer."
Everyone laughed. Norm didn't know how true his statement was.
"What? I most certainly am not," Vision denied. "I'm a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter, much like yourself, Norm."
"Yeah, like that'll convince him," said Sam.
Natasha groaned. "Why are all of you so bad at lying?"
Norm asks Vision what's got his feathers all ruffled. Vision apologized and explained he was on edge since there was something special today to Wanda, his wife, and he couldn't remember what it was.
"Well, you better remember it fast. It doesn't end well if you don't," said Tony. "I know from experience."
"Well, Wanda doesn't know what today is either," Sam pointed out. "She clearly made up that today was their anniversary."
A blush spread across Wanda's cheeks.
A door nearby opens. Vision and Norm rushed back to their seats, working.
Everyone snickered.
Mr Hart approached Vision's desk and told him his wife and he are looking forward to this evening. "Mr Hart. Of course!" Vision said in realization. "Dinner with Mr Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs Hart."
It clicked for everyone what was about to happen between Wanda and Vision and howled with laughter as Wanda and Vision blushed.
"This is such a sitcom thing," said Peter, in stitches.
Rhodey guffawed. "Vision better tell Wanda before she prepares for an anniversary."
Wanda buried her face in her hands while Vision groaned.
"That's what I just said. What's wrong with you, son? Have you got a screw loose?" asked Mr Hart. "Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir," said Vision.
Everyone chuckled.
"Yes, I should hope so. Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires. Ah. Jones over there failed miserably. Isn't that right, Jones?" Jones enters the room with a box of his belongings.
"Poor guy," said Steve.
"The wife thought five courses would be sufficient," said Jones.
"Is it not?" asked Wanda, shocked.
"And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment." "A string quartet?" "And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm." "I wore a turtleneck." "Yes. Best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones."
Everyone couldn't help but chuckle and feel bad for Jones at the same time.
Jones leaves the office. "You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?" Mr Hart asks. "I don't have a skeleton, sir."
Everyone laughed again.
Sam wiped a tear from the corner of his eye, still laughing. "I didn't know Vision was this funny."
"Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it." Mr Hart returns to his office while Vision looks nervous.
Vision looked the same way.
In the living room at Wanda and Vision's home, Wanda and Agnes are on the couch looking at magazines. "And you don't have a song? Nothing special you played at your wedding?" Agnes asks. "No, nothing special," replied Wanda.
"When did you even get married?" asked Steve.
Wanda shrugged. She didn't even know how Vision was there, but she wasn't going to complain when she was living her dream life.
"I'll just loan you some records then. So, we've got music covered, decor, wardrobe. Oh! What about seduction techniques?" asked Agnes.
Everyone turned green as Wanda and Vision wouldn't meet anyone's eyes. Everyone wondered how those two did it, but no one wanted to ask.
"Oh, I have those," Wanda chuckled.
"Gross," said Clint. Wanda was like his daughter/little sister.
Wanda's face turned a brilliant shade of red.
"Of course, you do." "Just out of curiosity, what does it say?" Wanda asked.
"Probably some 1950s sexist bullshit," said Peter, crossing his arms.
Bucky sighed. "That's probably true."
"That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you," said Agnes.
Everyone snorted.
"Yup. That's exactly the type of idiotic things I thought the magazine would say," said Natasha.
"It's romantic. Any other tricks?" "You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men." "Now, that's romantic." Both of them laugh.
Everyone looked at them incredulously.
The phone rang, and Wanda got up to answer. "Vision residence."
Steve tilted his head. "So, Wanda changed her last name to Vision. I didn't know Vision had a last name."
"Of course, Vision has a last name," said Tony. "It's Stark-Banner. Bruce and I are his dads."
Vision looked at Tony, amused, Bruce snorted, and everyone else laughed.
Thor cleared his throat and sent Tony and Bruce pointed looks. "I think you've forgotten who else contributed to Vision's birth."
Tony rolled his eyes. "You were more like the doctor, but fine whatever, it's Stark-Banner-Odinson."
"It would be Stark-Banner-Thorson, actually. Also, I think Thorson-Stark-Banner sounds better."
"In your dreams!"
"If you're done arguing about who all are Vision's dads, maybe we can watch Wanda accidentally seduce Mr and Mrs Hart," said Bucky.
Wanda sent Bucky a death glare as everyone snickered.
"Wanda, darling." "Vision, sweetheart." "Listen, about tonight..." "Don't worry, dear. I have everything under control. "Oh, well, that is a relief. I must confess, I'm really rather nervous." "Nervous? Whatever for?" "Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied." "Vis, after all this time..."
Vision would blush if he could.
"There's an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn't go just so, I think this could be the end." "Well, it's just one night. There's no need to get dramatic."
Everyone howled with laughter at the misunderstanding as Vision and Wanda facepalmed.
"Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife." "And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband." Wanda gave Agnes a thumbs up, who gave her one right back.
Everyone was still laughing.
"Well, wonderful! Glad to know we're both on the same page. Until tonight, then, my darling," said Vision.
"The same page," Clint laughed. "This is going to be so entertaining."
Wanda smiled. "Until tonight." Wanda hung up. Cut to a commercial break. A toaster pops on a counter.
Everyone furrowed their eyebrows, the light-hearted atmosphere instantly disappearing. What the hell was going on?
"Is…Is this a commercial?" asked Peter, confused.
"I think it is," said Bruce.
"Is your husband tired of you burning his toast?" A man asks.
Everyone groaned.
"Of course, the 1950s sitcom would have shit like this in it," said Peter.
Makes you wonder why anyone would want to go back to the actual 1950s, thought Tony, looking at Steve from the corner of his eye.
He walks to the side, where a woman stands next to a different toaster. They talked about the new and improved ToastMate 2000. The woman puts two pieces of bread in the ToastMate 2000. She presses the button, and it begins toasting. It gave off an Iron Man repulsor sound.
Everyone froze and looked at Tony, whose heart jumped into his throat.
"Was that your repulsor sound?" Clint asked hesitantly.
Tony nodded, unable to say anything. He knew this recording was about Wanda, and he also knew the role he played in her past. He had a bad feeling about this.
"Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything from meatloaf to cherry pie to open-faced cheese sandwiches." The toaster begins ticking and blinks red.
Everyone was surprised by the colour since everything else they'd seen was in black and white.
The beeping gets faster for a few moments before popping.
Wanda froze and paled. "That was the sound the bomb made. Who is doing this?!"
Everyone instantly knew what she was talking about. Tony turned an unhealthy shade of grey.
"The all-new ToastMate 2000 by Stark Industries. Forget the past. This is your future," the man said.
The room was silent and had a rather tense atmosphere.
"Stark Industries doesn't make toasters," said Tony slowly. "What the hell is this?"
"But Stark Industries did make the bomb that killed my parents," Wanda spat out.
Tony paled, and his hands were shaking. "I know I can't ever make up for what I did to you, but I really am sorry. There isn't an excuse for what I did."
Wanda crossed her arms and didn't reply.
Everyone looked at the two anxiously.
Stephen, however, wasn't listening to the conversation between Tony and Wanda at all. Forget the past. This is your future. What did that mean? He had a feeling this wouldn't be leading to anything good.
In the evening, Vision escorted Mr and Mrs Hart into the house. Candles are set around the room while soft music plays. "What's going on here, Vision? You blow a fuse?" Mr Hart asks.
Everyone snickered as Wanda blushed.
"Pardon me while I just go and fetch the lady of the house," said Vision, leaving the living room to enter the kitchen. As soon as he's gone, Wanda entered from another room in a nightgown. Thinking it's Vision, she walked up behind Mr Hart and covered his eyes. "Guess who?"
Wanda buried her face in her hands, her entire face red. Vision's lip twitched in amusement but put an arm around her in comfort.
Everyone else had no qualms in laughing at Wanda's embarrassment.
Vision came back in and turned the lights on. "Wanda!" Vision exclaimed. "Vision!" Wanda gasped and took her hands away.
Everyone was in fits of laughter by this point.
"This is so funny," said Rhodey, wiping a tear from his eye.
She also covered the neckline of her dress.
Wanda's face turned a darker shade of red.
Mr Hart demanded to know what is the meaning of this.
"It was a misunderstanding!" Wanda cried.
"Well, what is... Yeah, what is the meaning of..." Vision stammers. Wanda sent Mr Hart an awkward smile. "Oh, the meaning of it! You want to know the meaning of it and the meaning of it is that this is the traditional Sokovian greeting of hospitality."
Everyone burst out laughing while Vision looked sheepish.
"Sokovian greeting of hospitality?!" Steve laughed, clutching his stomach.
"I panicked!" Vision yelled.
Wanda walks over to him, nodding. Vision covered Wanda's eyes and said, "Guess who?" "Is that my host behind me?" asked Wanda. "It certainly is," Vision replied. Wanda turns around, and they shake hands. "Lovely to make your acquaintance," said Wanda.
Everyone chuckled.
"Nice save," said Clint with a smile.
"Yes!" Vision chuckles. "See, I forgot to tell you my wife is from Europe."
"You have a British accent, Vision. You're European too," Sam pointed out.
"He was born in New York! He's American!" Tony defended.
"Oh, how exotic!" Mrs Hart exclaims. Mr Hart sternly told them that they don't break bread with Bolsheviks.
Natasha snorted. Right, the Red Scare.
"Oh, hush, Arthur! Have you no culture at all?" said Mrs Hart as she chuckles. "And that dress!"
Vision did enjoy that dress. It looked very lovely on Wanda.
"Yes! It's... It's so... Sokovian, is what it is! Yes!" said Vision.
"Are you going to use that as an excuse for everything?" Bucky asked wryly.
"It works!" said Vision.
Wanda asked if she could see Vision in the kitchen for a moment. She grabbed Vision's hand and pulled him into the kitchen. He blew out some candles as they walked.
Everyone chuckled.
"Who are those people?" asked Wanda. "What are you wearing?" asked Vision. "Why are they here?" "What are you wearing?" Vision asked again, appreciatively. "Well, it's our anniversary!" "Our anniversary of what?" "Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!"
Everyone looked at Wanda amused as her face slowly turned red. It wasn't like Wanda knew what was going on either.
Vision told Wanda that the man was his boss, Mr Hart, and his wife, Mrs Hart. The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation. "You move at the speed of sound, and I can make a pen float through the air. Who needs to abbreviate?" said Wanda.
"True," said Scott.
"But why don't either of you remember the abbreviation?" asked Stephen. This whole situation was making him uneasy.
Everyone froze. Stephen was right – why couldn't either of them remember what the abbreviation meant?
"Darling, listen, it's all romantic to do the candles, the music, that stunning outfit..." said Vision.
"Gross," said Clint, pulling a face. "No one wants to hear about this."
"Good," said Wanda, her face red. "No one is going to tell you."
"I don't wanna be unappreciative, but right now…." "Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal," Wanda finished. "Exactly," said Vision. Wanda sighed and looks at a chocolate-covered strawberry on the kitchen table. "Any chance they'd settle for a single chocolate-covered strawberry split three ways?" "Uh…" said Vision.
"Call me crazy, but I have a feeling that they won't appreciate that," said Rhodey.
Wanda says she might have a better idea. She snaps her fingers, and a new dress appears on her.
"That's convenient," said Scott.
Stephen narrowed his eyes.
Back in the living room, Mrs Hart, Mr Hart, and Vision are sitting on the couch. "So, I said, 'If we orient the forms horizontally rather than vertically, we can use twice the paper, we can bill twice the cost'."
"Wow, he's so entertaining," said Bucky sarcastically.
Vision laughed and said, "But the larger purpose of the forms is..." "Was to analyze our input and our output," answered Mr Hart. "Huh." "You're awfully dense, aren't you, Vision?"
"That's rude," said Wanda.
Back in the kitchen, Wanda let Agnes in through the back door, who entered with various ingredients.
"Oh, Agnes is that sitcom character," said Peter, enjoying the show.
"Oh, Agnes! You're a life-saver!" cries Wanda. "What kind of housewife would I be if I didn't have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place?"
"A normal one?" said Scott with furrowed eyebrows.
Wanda helps Agnes unload some of the ingredients. "Not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you."
Everyone laughed.
Agnes drops a large pot. "Oh, my!" In the other room, Vision shoots up. Mrs Hart follows. "Do you think Wanda needs help in the kitchen? We haven't any tidbits or tartlets out here, nary a pig in a blanket," says Mrs Hart.
"Calm down, lady," said Clint.
"No, that..." says Vision. "No, that's so kind of you, Mrs Hart. But I'm sure she's absolutely fine in there!" In the kitchen, Wanda heard Vision, thanked Agnes, and told her she thought she got it covered from here.
"I hope I do," said Wanda, worried.
"Oh, are you sure, dear?" asked Agnes. Wanda nodded. "Many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip." "You're so naughty!" laughed Wanda. Wanda began to push Agnes out towards the back door. Agnes reached for the oven. "Oh, shall I just pre-heat the oven then, dear?" Agnes asked. Wanda told her that wouldn't be necessary. "Oh, all right, then," said Agnes. Wanda again pushed Agnes towards the door and opens it, but Agnes swivelled around and walked back to the kitchen. Wanda roped her around the kitchen as she talks.
Bruce threw his hands in the air. "Why won't Agnes just leave!"
Stephen narrowed his eyes at Agnes. Something wasn't right with her.
"Oh, All right, then. Well, I know you're in a pinch, so this menu can be done in a snap. Lobster Thermidor with mini-minced meat turnovers to start. Chicken à la King with twice-cooked new potatoes for your second course, and Steak Diane and mint jellies for your main. Do you set your own jellies, dear?"
"No," said Wanda.
"Yes," said Wanda.
Everyone snickered.
"Good girl," Agnes replied. Wanda pushed Agnes to the door again. "Recipe cards are on the counter there. Bon appétit!" said Agnes as she finally left.
Everyone sighed in relief.
"Finally," said Thor.
Wanda uses her powers to open every cabinet and floats cooking tools all over the kitchen.
"That's useful," Tony noted.
The noise causes Mrs Hart to jump up from the couch. "Oh, oh. You men stay put. I sense a domestic emergency, so…."
Peter crossed his arms. "Men can handle domestic emergencies too."
"Mrs Hart, please don't. You can't. You—Please—" says Vision as Mrs Hart goes to open windows to the kitchen. As she swings them open, Vision begins singing. "Yeah, take out the papers and the trash!"
Vision looked embarrassed as everyone burst out laughing.
"I didn't know you could sing, Vision," said Bruce, smiling. "You have a nice voice."
Mrs Hart turns around and doesn't notice Wanda's powers in use.
Wanda sighed in relief.
"Or you won't get no spending cash!" Wanda gave Vision a confused look.
Everyone laughed at Wanda's expression.
"If you don't scrub the kitchen floor," Mrs Hart began to dance. "You ain't gonna rock and roll no more! Yakety-yak! Don't talk back!"
"Encore!" yelled Sam and Bucky, howling with laughter.
While the Harts are distracted, Wanda closed the windows to the kitchen.
"Thank god," said Wanda.
Mrs Hart chuckled nervously. "Well, why don't we have a nice sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?" asks Vision. He picked up a small guitar.
"More of Vision's singing!" said Tony, delighted.
Vision groaned. This was embarrassing.
In the kitchen, Wanda attempted to use her powers to cook a chicken quickly but accidentally burned it. "Oh, no, too much!" Wanda gasped.
Everyone blinked in surprise.
"I didn't know you could do that," Scott told Wanda.
"I didn't either."
"That's bad luck," said Thor.
She tried again and ended up with a basket of eggs. "Oh, no, not enough!"
Everyone snickered.
"You can make omelettes now," said Peter.
Back in the living room, Vision and Mrs Hart are excitedly singing 'Old MacDonald had a Farm' while Mr Hart looks annoyed.
Everyone cracked up laughing.
Back in the kitchen, the singing is still somewhat audible. Wanda looked stressed, trying to juggle multiple steps at once. "Oh, what was I supposed to do next? Oh, what was the main course again? It was... Steak... No. Steak... Steak..." says Wanda as she looks at different recipe cards floating in the air. Cut back to the living room. "Diane!" yells Wanda. "Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me," says Vision.
"Diane?" many people exclaimed in amusement.
"She calls you 'Diane?'" Mr Hart asks, incredulously. "Yes, it's her pet name for me. I'm just coming... Fred! Excuse me a moment." Vision gets up from the couch.
Everyone chuckled.
In the kitchen, Wanda placed some lobsters in a pot. Vision entered and startled her. "Oh, no!" Wanda gasps. She accidentally threw the lobsters out the window.
"Oh no!" Wanda cried as everyone else roared with laughter.
Vision asked how he can be of assistance. "Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken, and the lobsters just flew the coop, so the steak is the last man standing. It says here I can cut down the prep time with a meat tenderizer," says Wanda. "Excellent plan. Where's the tenderizer?" asks Vision. "I'm looking at him," said Wanda, handing Vision a large mallet.
Wanda hoped she would be able to save the dinner.
Mrs Hart suddenly opened the window to the living room. "Hoo-hoo in there!" said Mrs Hart. "Hoo-hoo back to you!" said Wanda as she closed the window again and turned to Vision.
"She's too nosy," said Scott. "She needs to mind her own business."
"Okay. Finish the meat, find the lobsters. I'll be right back." She tossed her apron to Vision and ran to the living room.
"I hope I have a plan," said Wanda.
"I hope you're hungry!" Wanda tells Mr and Mrs Hart. "Starved is more like it," said Mr Hart. "My head is starting to feel woozy," said Mrs Hart. Back in the kitchen, Vision slammed the mallet down, making a loud noise. In the living room, Wanda asked the two, "Were either of you aware that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?"
Everyone nearly died laughing as Wanda covered her face. "I was panicking and stressed, okay!"
Mr Hart asked what is she going on about. There's another loud thud from the kitchen. Mr Harts asked what was going on in there and began walking to the kitchen. "Whoo-hoo! Ho-ho!" Wanda pretended to fall backwards, and Mr Hart caught her.
Everyone roared with laughter.
"You're seducing Mr Hart!" Sam laughed, holding his stomach.
Wanda's face turned bright red.
There's a knock at the door. "Who could that be?" Wanda gasped.
"I bet it's Agnes again," said Peter.
Vision enters from the kitchen. "Coming!" Wanda and Vision both went get to the front door. Agnes was standing there holding a pineapple.
"I told you."
"Oh, you didn't answer the back door. For your upside-down cake." She handed Wanda the pineapple and noticed Vision. "Oh! Hi, I—" Wanda closed the door in her face.
Wanda grimaced. That was rude. Agnes was just being helpful.
Mr Hart asked who that was. Wanda and Vision spoke over each other. "A salesman!" said Wanda. "Telegram! A man selling telegrams," said Vision.
Everyone snickered.
He told Wanda, "I couldn't find the lobsters and did you want the meat tender or pulverized?" "Oh, dear," says Wanda. She headed back to the kitchen. "Well. I think tonight's going swimmingly. Anyone for Parcheesi?" asked Vision. Mrs Hart said her head is spinning and sits on the couch.
"Poor Mrs Hart," said Steve.
Wanda frowned. This dinner wasn't going well at all.
"Did you hear that? My wife's head is spinning. Generally speaking, I don't like her head to do that," said Mr Hart.
"Who does?"
In the kitchen, Wanda picked up a whisker. "Time to improvise."
Natasha snorted. "And you weren't doing that before?"
"You know, I'm beginning to think you're not management material, Vision," said Mr Hart. As he talked, Wanda set the table using her magic.
"That's impressive!" said Scott.
"You know, I had high hopes for you. But from what I've seen here tonight, you can barely keep it together. I mean, look around. There's all this chaos going on in your household. Now, when are we gonna eat?" "Dinner is served," says Wanda. They all looked over at the table.
"Looks nice."
"Breakfast for dinner? How very..." said Mr Hart. "European," Mrs Hart finished.
"Mrs Hart is too good for him," said Sam.
Vision tells everyone to have a toast. They all approach the table. "To my lovely and talented wife," says Vision. "To our esteemed guests," says Wanda. They all picked up glasses, clinked them together, and took sips. Wanda told them to please eat before it gets cold. Vision pulled out the chair for Mrs Hart.
"Mr Hart should've done that for his wife," said Steve, looking at him with disapproval.
Wanda and Mr Hart both sat down as well. " So, where did you two move from? What brought you here? How long have you been married? And why don't you have children yet?" asks Mrs Hart.
"Whoa, calm down," said Clint.
Everyone else straightened up in their seats. They had been asking the same questions the entire time. Well, not the question about children, though.
Wanda stares off into the distance. "I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from..." says Vision. "Yes, we moved from..." says Wanda. "And we were married..." "Yes, yes, we were married in..."
Everyone looked at Wanda and Vision strangely. Why didn't they remember?
"Well? Moved from where? Married when?" asked Mr Hart. "Now, patience, Arthur. They're setting up their story. Let them tell it," Mrs Hart said.
Stephen tilted his head. Their story – That was a strange way to phrase something.
"We... Our story..." Wanda chuckled nervously.
Wanda looked at the screen, slightly afraid. What happened to her?
"Yes, what exactly is your story?" said Mr Hart. Mrs Hart told him to leave the poor kids alone. "No, really, I mean, I think it's a perfectly simple question. Honestly. Why did you come here? Why?" asked Mr Hart.
"Stop interrogating them," said Clint with a frown.
Neither responded. Mr Hart slammed his hand on the table.
Wanda flinched at the sudden aggression.
"Damn it, why? Why did y—" Mr Hart began to choke on his food.
Everyone gaped at the screen. This was getting creepy.
"Oh, Arthur, stop it. Stop it," Mrs Hart chuckled. "Stop it." His choking becomes worse. Wanda and Vision stared at him.
"Why aren't any of you doing anything!" cried Peter, afraid for Mr Hart.
Mrs Hart kept repeating, "Stop it." She looked at Wanda. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it."
Wanda's heart jumped into her throat. "Is Mrs Hart looking at…me?" she asked fearfully. "Why is she looking at me?! What did I do?" Wanda began to hyperventilate as she was scared that she was the cause of all of this.
Everyone else was speechless. Stephen looked at Wanda curiously. Was she behind this?
Mr Hart fell to the ground. "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it." Wanda and Vision looked at each other.
"Is it just me, or does Vision look uncomfortable?" asked Steve.
"It's not just you," said Vision, looking at his on-screen self curiously.
Wanda told Vision to help Mr Hart. Vision got up and knelt next to Mr Hart. He phased his hand into Mr Hart's throat and pulled out the food.
Everyone stared at the screen in disbelief at what they had just seen.
"That's disgusting!" Scott exclaimed.
"I had to help Mr Hart!" said Vision.
Mr Hart coughed and breathed.
Everyone was relieved Mr Hart was okay, though.
Vision helped him up. Mrs Hart smile. Wanda got up from her chair. Mr Hart panted then looked at his watch. "Well, would you look at the time?" Mr Hart chuckled. "Yes. We'd better be going," said Mrs Hart as she gets up.
Everyone gaped at the screen. That was so strange.
"Did they just forget what happened seconds ago?" Bruce asked, astonished.
"Well... Are you both all right?" Wanda said.
"Wanda remembers what happened, though," said Rhodey. "That's weird."
"This whole situation is weird," said Sam.
"We had such a lovely time," says Mrs Hart.
"Your husband was just choking on his food!" Peter cried.
Wanda turns to Vision, confused. Mrs Hart came up behind Wanda and covered her eyes with her hands. "This guest is leaving your home." Wanda chuckled and turned around.
"That's sweet," said Scott, weakly as he was still slightly confused with the Mr Hart choking incident.
Mrs Hart shakes Wanda's hand and Wanda thanked them for coming. Mr Hart told Vision he was proud of him and said they would have a chat about the promotion Monday morning. "Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!" says Vision.
"At least it all worked out?" Peter said, trying to find the bright side.
Wanda got the door for the Harts. As they left, Wanda noticed one of the lobsters was attached to the door.
Everyone chuckled quietly.
Mrs Hart looked at it for a moment, and said, "Oh... What a charming door knocker. Good night!" Mr and Mrs Hart finally leave.
Wanda and Vision sighed in relief.
Wanda and Vision both exhaled in relief. Vision got rid of his human disguise. "We are an unusual couple, you know?" said Wanda. "Oh, I don't think that was ever in question," says Vision.
"Yeah, it never was," said Sam.
Wanda and Vision rolled their eyes.
They sat on the couch together. " Well, what I mean is... We don't have an anniversary." "Huh." "Or a song. Or even wedding rings." "Well, we could remedy that. Today could be our anniversary." "Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?" "Precisely. And our song could be?" "Yakety Yak, naturally."
Everyone laughed.
"Vision, please sing again," Tony pleaded.
Vision shook his head and smiled. "It was a one-time occasion, I'm afraid."
"Naturally," said Wanda. "Hmm. And the rings?" "Well, couldn't you make some for us?" Vision held up his hand. Wanda held up hers. She flicked her other wrist, and rings appeared on their fingers.
Stephen really didn't have a good feeling about this. Wanda created those rings spontaneously, just like the 'Sold' sign. But he would have to see more to understand what exactly was going on.
" I do. Do you?" Vision asked. "Yes. I do." "And they lived happily ever after."
Everyone looked at Wanda and Vision fondly.
Wanda and Vision kissed. They stared into the camera, and their faces were bordered by a hexagon, which slowly zoomed in on them. They smiled as their names come up on either side of them. Credits roll.
"Who's making this sitcom, though?" asked Peter.
Natasha had an idea, and she didn't like it. But Wanda loved sitcoms, and now she was in one? And Mrs Hart looked at Wanda directly, telling her to stop. Natasha didn't say this out loud, though. There was no need to panic Wanda even more. She didn't even know if Wanda was able to put herself in a sitcom.
The ratio aspect zoomed out, revealing the episode to be playing on an old CRT monitor. Wires and other monitors surround it. The screen pulls back further and reveals someone taking notes. They closed their notebook, emblazoned with the SWORD logo, and put down their pen.
The room was utterly silent.
"What the fuck?" Clint exclaimed.
"That was the SWORD logo," Natasha pointed out, slightly shocked.
"Great, more shady government organizations," said Sam.
"Fury's friend, Maria Rambeau, founded SWORD. As far as I'm aware, she still is the Director of SWORD," Natasha continued.
"Do you think Wanda and Vision are being forced to do this?" Steve asked, his face blank.
Wanda and Vision looked ill as Natasha shrugged.
Wanda looked at the screen again longingly. She wanted a life like her on-screen self and a home with Vision. She had no idea how Vision was back, but she wouldn't give anyone the chance to take him away from her again.