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“Hitoshi! Please let me in,” he heard Aizawa shout through the door, “It’s almost midnight and you’ve been in there for nearly an hour. I just need to know if you are okay.”
As he sat on the cold bathroom floor Shinsou let himself cry. He dropped down the razor with a clatter and watched as the ribbon of red slowly dripped down his arm. This was wrong. This was fucked up and he knew it but it was his only way of dealing with all of the shit he had been through without having to drag anyone else into his problems. He had already caused enough trouble as it was.
“Go-away-dad,” he said through clenched teeth in the hope that Aizawa wouldn’t be able to tell that he’d been crying.
“Just tell me what’s wrong,” Aizawa asked worried, after a stretch of silence he warned Shinsou and then barged into the bathroom. He slight that greeted him sent pain straight through him.
Due to the lack of warning, Shinsou hadn’t even had the chance to roll down his sleeve and stared at Aizawa with such immense fear that it broke Aizawa completely. You could see the lines of red from where he had just cut himself and it hurt for Aizawa to think that Shinsou in some way or other thought that this was a good idea or that he actually deserved to feel pain like this.
It also made the man think about when he was about the same age and in a very similar mental state as his son was right now. Sitting on that cold bathroom floor trying to cut out all the pain the the world had placed onto him.
“Hey kid. It’s okay. I’m not at all angry with you and I’m most certainly not going to hurt you. You don’t need to be scared of me, ever.” Aizawa said in an attempt to comfort his son. He then moved over and sat down next to the boy, “Why don’t we get your arm cleaned up and then you can talk to me about what’s been going on that makes you think you need to do this. How does that sound?” he asked.
There was a gentle edge to his voice that comforted Shinsou and told him it would be safe and that he would be okay so he agreed to his father’s idea, with a silent nod.
“Okay, thanks Toshi. I know this is difficult to do.” Aizawa said whilst getting out the bandages and antiseptic wipes from the first aid kit, “Can you move your arm a little closer to me so that I can bandage and clean it properly?”
Eyes trained to the floor, Shinsou presented Aizawa with his arm. It could have been worse, he thought. There were only a few fresh cuts on his wrist and if Aizawa had said the truth (which he always did) then everything would be alright.
Even that didn’t stop guilt from nearly swallowing him whole as he felt the sting of the alcohol on the cuts and Aizawa’s slender fingers bandage him up with practiced precision. He could feel tears start to well up in his eyes, all he ever did was hurt those who cared about him and loved him.
“Done” his father told him simply so he moved his arm back a bit and muttered a quick thank you. The bandage was just right, it wasn’t so loose that it would fall off but it wasn’t so tight as that Shinsou would be constantly aware of it being there constricting the movements of his arm.
As he looked up, Shinsou’s eyes met with Aizawa’s. In them he could see pain, understanding and sympathy but not even a single hint of anger. He was safe. It would be okay. With that in mind Shinsou buried his head into the crook of Aizawa’s neck and finally let himself cry.
Strong arms wrapped tightly around him as he let out all of the pain and guilt he felt. After a few minutes he calmed down and felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
“Better?” Aizawa questioned.
“Yeah. It was good to get that out of my system. Thanks, dad. You and papa really are the best.” Shinsou replied with a small smile but it was the best he could do at the current moment in time.
“Thanks Toshi. That’s good to hear.” Aizawa said releasing him from his tight grip, “Do you want to talk now or later when you’ve had a bit more sleep?”
“Now, I guess.” Shinsou told him reluctantly, “I mean it’s probably best to just get this over and done with.”
“Okay. We should probably get out of here. Where works best for you, the living room or your bedroom?” Aizawa asked standing up and offering his son a helping hand.
“I would prefer my room but it really doesn’t matter too much to me.” Shinsou told him honestly as he let his dad pull him up onto his feet.
“ Your room it is then.” Aizawa agreed as they walked down the hallway into Shinsou’s room.
Shinsou sat down on his bed and wrapped his fluffy purple blanket around him as Aizawa sat on the desk chair opposite. There was a sense of seriousness about the conversation even before it started and that most certainly didn’t help Shinsou’s nerves.
“So, let’s set some ground rules down before we actually start talking. Don’t tell me anything that you wouldn’t feel okay with Hizashi knowing and if you don’t want to answer something or if it’s too much tell me to stop and we will.” Aizawa said., “Anything else you want to add?”
“Umm... can we agree to only tell each other the truth I’ve been lied to and looked down upon my whole life, I’m not up for dealing with it now.” Shinsou explained.
“Okay. I’ll ask questions and you can answer them. If it gets too much just say and we’ll stop. If you can’t or really don’t want to answer you can just say. Deal?” Aizawa said extending his hand to Shinsou.
“Deal.” the boy said and shook Aizawa’s outstretched hand.
“Okay so what been causing you to do this to yourself?” Aizawa asked
“Wow, straight to the deep end.” Shinsou joked sarcastically, “For real though, I guess before you and Papa I was told I was useless, born to become a villain, inherently evil and that I didn’t have a chance of ever succeeding in life,” Shinsou started, “You and Papa have taught me that I’m so much better than that and that I have a chance to be a hero but my past stays with me. No matter how hard I try I can’t seem to let it go.”
“I don’t think we ever really let our past go. It always stays with us but we have to show that who we are isn’t defined by that. We could maybe think about getting you a therapist to help you process everything that happened to you in the past so that it isn’t this big heavy burden you think you have to carry. Someone who you can go talk to like once or twice a week where you can just unload everything and work through healthy ways of coping, how does that sound?” Aizawa suggested
“Sounds like a good idea but isn’t that going to be really expensive for you and Papa. I don’t want to cause any more trouble than I already have.”
“Money isn’t a problem between me and Zashi we work five jobs all of which are quite well paid. We can afford a therapist. Also you are never any trouble, we love you Toshi and everything we do for you is because of that.”
“Okay. Thanks dad.”
“Is there anything you can do instead of cutting yourself? Like, drawing or maybe you can get Zashi to teach you how to play an instrument that way you have some way of getting your feelings out on something other than you. Or maybe just talking to someone you trust. Like whenever I felt like cutting I would call Zashi and we would just talk about completely ransom stuff and he would make me feel better just by being there.” Aizawa told Shinsou.
“You cut yourself as a kid? Why?” Shinsou said in shock.
“I was a trans teenager who got kicked out of his own home because of something I literally couldn’t change. I constantly felt bad, I needed a good way of releasing all of those negative feelings and it worked well.” it was now Aizawa’s turn to explain.
“How did you stop?” Shinsou asked
“Hizashi confiscated all of my blades one night and I just never really felt like replacing them. I stopped need them. I figured out that I had people who loved me and cared about me regardless of whether I was a girl or a boy so I decided I wanted to try to love myself as well and have been working on that since.”
“Please don’t take all of my blades away.” Shinsou begged his dad.
“I won’t but we need to find you another way coping with life. Pick a hobby of something, trust me it helps.”
“Okay good. I wouldn’t might playing guitar I guess. I’ve always thought that Papa’s electric guitars looked cool so I guess I could try learning that.” Shinsou suggested.
“Sounds good. Hizashi would love that.” Aizawa told him with a genuine smile, “Now how about you into your bed and have a good night sleep” he suggested
“Sounds good bit can you stay with me until I fall asleep?” Shinsou asked
“Sure. Let me just get my sleeping bag. I’ll be back in a minute.” Aizawa told his son as he walked out of the room.
True to his word, Aizawa was back in less than a minute carrying his bright yellow sleeping bag with him. He lay it down a slight distance from Shinsou’s bed and then crawled into it.
He whispers the teenage boy a quick good night and get no response back so assumes the boy is asleep. Once he was certain Shinsou was sleeping , Aizawa allowed himself to promptly fall asleep on the floor, surrounded in the warmth of the sleeping bag and the comfort that it brought.