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It was supposed to be a usual summer - but there I stood, completely numb over everything that happened at the train station.
I didn’t know what to feel, didn’t know how to feel. Should I feel confused? Angry at you for not telling me everything? Guilty for not being able to be by your side?
Through all these conflicting emotions, there was only one thing I was sure of – I missed you.
When I heard the roaring noise of an oncoming train, and my sobs of anguish start to get louder, I began to understand.
Everything turned white, and the tears streaming down my cheeks were the only warmth I could feel.
As I pried open my eyes and started adjusting them to the glaring sunlight, I could hear the cicadas around me buzzing steadily. I sighed as I let the soft summer green envelop me. I closed my eyes once more and wished I could make the pain go away. As the gentle wind blew and the minutes passed, I thought about the painful memory and held back my tears. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about the possibilities if you were here with me.
I thought about how you were supposed to be by my side right now, laughing and jumping on my back for a quick ride to class. We were supposed to be together until the very end. We were supposed to have infinity together. I let out a shaky breath, forced myself to get up and headed back to the school compound.
We hadn't known each other for very long, but it was long enough for me to start growing fond of you, just by the sound of your contagious giggles.
Every moment spent with you was dear to me, from our late-night stargazing dates to our daytime karaoke jams.
I had always thought you were adorable since you were a lot shorter than me and I found it endearing how you would puff your cheeks up and jokingly get mad at me for teasing you.
The image of your hair tumbling down your shoulders and your sparkling eyes is still etched into my mind. I fell in love with how the sunlight danced on your smooth skin. I really couldn’t believe someone like you could exist. Sometimes I would hold your hand, just to remind myself that you were real, that you were with me.
We would rarely go out to eat as you said you were “broke as shit” and “trying to save money” so you would attempt to make homemade meals despite being a crappy cook. Those days would end up with you setting off our fire alarms and us having to call delivery anyways. We shared the same love for sweet pastries so you had promised you would try baking a cake for us.
But you never did.
When you started ignoring my texts and gradually stopped coming to school, I knew something was wrong. My first thought was that it was my fault and that you were finally sick of me, that you had understood why nobody cared about me for most of my life. I had sent apologies in form of text messages, letters, and even emails but I never heard from you again. At least not until the day at the train station.
It's been exactly a year since you left me.
Standing at the same train station, I stare at the tracks that were once coated with your blood. I couldn’t seem to get the image of your horrendously mangled body out of my mind. Remembering your immaculately peaceful smile, I wondered how someone like you could do that.
My eyes close as my chest aches from the painful memory. I had so much time to ponder,
Why did you do it?
What happened to you that you couldn't tell me?
Why did you abandon me like that?
Was it my fault?
...but I couldn't find an answer.
I want to loathe you. I want to hold you in my arms and sob my heart out. I want to hold you. I want to scream into the void until my voice gives out.
Don't you know, how precious you are to me?
The train announces its presence from a distance, my heart clenches at the familiar sound. Having enough of reminiscing my thoughts, I open my eyes- to see you standing on the tracks.
You look nearly the same as you did that day, with the spider lily tucked behind your ear as the only difference. You even bear your usual serene smile on your face.
You always said that you liked spider lilies, though you never told me why.
You reach out a hand to me, and your soft, beautiful eyes beckon me to come closer to you.
I realised then and there that I couldn’t live without you. You are my necessity. You are my oxygen. You help me breathe. This past year, I haven’t been living at all, I had been surviving. I was always thinking about finding you again and you would come back to me – and here you are.
I take a step forward without caring how transparent your figure looks. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips, and I continue forward. You reached out your hand and I begin to stretch my hand out to yours. It was only then that I realised that there were big, angry red spots of blood staining your clothes. I hear the sound of the train coming closer – too close.
But it didn’t matter. At last, I was by your side again.
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