Work Text:
I pulled the dusty chair. I rubbed it a little and sat down. The place hasn't changed since the last time I came. Neat. Like you. Now I see the table in front of me, a little dusty. I laughed a little, if you had seen this you would have been annoyed and immediately cleaned it up. Nagging me to keep things clean and in place. Oh I miss that moment.
Flashback
"Tsumu, make it a habit to tidy up your things after using it,"
"Don't leave your wet towel on the bed,"
"Wash your hands before you touch the food,"
I just nodded in agreement and immediately did as he said. Me and him are the complete opposite. He is a neat, clean and organized person. The opposite of me being careless and messy. But that's what brought us together. He taught me how clean is important, especially for health, and I taught him how not to be afraid of dirty things.
"Omi, do you know where my charger is?"
"See? You must have forgotten where you put it huh,”
He looked both exasperated and annoyed when I again forgot to put my stuff. He's upset, but he'll find it for me. With his thoroughness, he found the charger I was looking for. Lifting it in the air as if to say, 'see? I found it. Next time put it where it should be.'
I just smile and thank you. I didn't forget to give a thank you kiss on his cheek which surprised him with my sudden action.
“Hey, that's too short. This is all I pay for after finding your item?”
I snorted, it was good I gave a kiss on the cheek just for finding my charger. I cupped his face and I gave him kisses all over his face. He laughed amused and stopped me then he replied to me by hugging my body while shaking it left and right. We laughed out loud.
Flashback end
That moment feels like it was just yesterday. Just yesterday we met. It was just yesterday that we were yelling at each other because of me being a mess and you being too clean. It was only yesterday that you and I accidentally confessed our feelings for each other.
Flashback
Again I'm annoyed with the behavior of Sakusa Kiyoomi. Like his life has never touched a dirty thing. Like he'd be allergic if he didn't spray hand sanitizer every time he touched something. How clean is his life?
I saw him walking down the hall of the classroom that seemed to want to go home. In fact, he always wears a mask. I walked over to him and pulled him to the place I had been thinking about for a long time. We're not close, but we're not strangers either. We are in the same high school even though we are not in the same class.
"Miya, what are you doing?"
He looks annoyed. But he didn't refuse either. With a face that couldn't be seen clearly behind the mask, he followed my direction pulling his hand away.
"We're here," I took him to a hill not far from the school. The place is at a height enough to see the scenery below.
Because it was autumn, many maple tree leaves were falling on the ground. I pulled Sakusa to sit on the fallen maple leaf.
"What's the matter with you?" he shouted angrily. As if sitting on a fallen maple leaf was disgusting.
“Sitting here won't make your body rot with germs. You'll be fine," I reassured him. He slowly inhaled and exhaled slowly. Either to calm down or restrain his emotions because of my careless treatment.
"Already? Look ahead. Isn't that pretty?" I show you one of my favorite sights in autumn. In autumn, the leaves fall and at sunset in the afternoon is the most beautiful time in my opinion.
"Haha, suddenly I want to invite you to enjoy my favorite moment. The sun sets in the fall. You must be upset right? Suddenly pulled you here for no apparent reason. But I just wanted to share this with you," I said without daring to look at him. I worry if I see his displeased face.
“Not bad,” replied Sakusa after a few seconds of silence.
I breathed a sigh of relief, at least Sakusa wasn't angry that I dragged her here without permission.
We were still silent with each other as we watched the sun begin to set slowly. I took something out of my jacket pocket.
I opened the package and offered it to Sakusa, “want some?”
Sakusa looked at the object in my hand. He seemed curious. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a bottle of hand sanitizer. He put it on his hand then took the package I had opened and sprayed the hand sanitizer on both my palms.
“You touched a lot of things including the fallen leaves. At least clean your hands,” after being silent for a long time, Sakusa finally spoke. I'm glad we're at least two-way communication.
"Okay, thanks,"
Sakusa returned the package she had been holding for a while. I again offered him, "want some?"
"What's that?"
I didn't answer and opened his hand and poured some of the contents into his hand. Sakusa looked a little surprised but she remained calm.
"Gummy bears?" after paying close attention Sakusa was able to recognize the object. Children's favorite jelly candy.
"Well I'm surprised you know his name," I teased him.
"Am I from another world?" he looks annoyed but in my eyes he looks adorable.
"You're like a child, still like gummy bears," joked Sakusa.
"Hey, there's no rule that adults can't eat gummy bears," I replied disapprovingly.
Sakusa took off her mask before eating the gummy bear I gave her. For the first time I saw his face without wearing a mask this close. Handsome. That was the first word in my head. With the mask he was already handsome, and taking it off like this made him look perfect.
Gummy bear has run out, we are still confused about getting back to looking for a topic of conversation. Until I opened my bag and took out a piece of paper. Fold it to form a plane.
I played it in the air like it was a real plane. "I want to fly. How's the view from up there? Is it more beautiful because it seems like you can see everything, or scary because it must be so high up.“
Why don't you just give it a try? Get on the plane,” Sakusa asked.
“I will, but at least I have to have a goal right?”
“Then take someone and go together to a good place.”
"With you?" I don't understand why I suddenly said that. Heat ran down my face and I thought my face was going to turn red.
"Why me?" he asked.
“Just want to, why?!” I was so embarrassed I answered like a snarl.
I heard him chuckle, "You're really funny."
I didn't hear wrong, did I? He says am I cute? He? Sakusa Kiyoomi?
We were silent for a while. I can't bear to say what's in my head right now. I want to say it so that the burden on my mind is less.
“Maybe I like you,”
“I like you,”
We said almost at the same time. And what was that? He likes me? I could see he looked surprised too, as did I.
We were silent for a while and finally laughed together. Our first laugh that appeared since we arrived at this place. Laughing at us unintentionally expressing feelings for each other.
Flashback end
At that time, I thought it was very strange. Suddenly I said I like you and you like me even though our previous meeting was only ridicule and teasing. I like everything about you. All about Sakusa Kiyoomi, I love it. Actually I don't hate your sterile habits, I'm just surprised that's why I always tease you. And why did I end up liking you?
Flashback
“Omi, why do you like me?” I asked curiously.
"I do not know. Have no reason. Does liking it need a reason? If so, it will take a lifetime to find the reason," he replied.
I pinched his waist in shame and embarrassment. He didn't feel guilty and laughed instead. He pinched my chubby cheeks.
"I like your chubby cheeks the most, so stick with it," he said.
“I think I'm getting fat, I need to start a diet,”
“No no no. As long as your weight is within normal limits, you can't go on a diet. You are beautiful as you are. I'm comfortable hugging you like this," he said as he hugged me tightly.
I feel suffocated because he hugs me so tightly, but I'm happy because he loves me for who I am.
Flashback end
If you only saw me now you would be very angry. Because I lost a lot of weight. The body that used to make you comfortable when you hugged it now seemed like only skin wrapped around bones. It's not your fault, it's just my fault for not being able to take care of my own body.
The hands that were once intertwined were now cold and thin. You used to always hold my hand, as if forgetting the fact that before you hated physical contact the most. While walking along the beach, we can't let go of our hands. We just quietly enjoy the wind without talking. Although there is no sound, I feel calm. But when I returned to the beach alone, everything felt different.
Flashback
My steps along the beach that you and I used to frequent. There is nothing special about this beach. What's special is the moment with you on this beach. When we walk and our feet step on the sand that creates our footprints.
Now I make that trail again, but only a pair of trails behind me are slowly being erased by the waves of the beach.
Suddenly the plane passed high above my head. Flying so gallantly through the sea to the land on the other side. But I still remember you. I don't know if this is trauma or not but my chest feels tight. Remembering my dream of wanting to take you to fly with me which is now no longer beside me.
Flashback end
I grabbed my cell phone from my trouser pocket. Opening the playlist that has been accompanying me lately. Choose a song that I think fits my situation. The song O by Coldplay began to fill this silent room.
I took the piece of paper I brought with me and a pen. I want to write.
Letter For You
Dear Sakusa Kiyoomi
I didn't think the time we spent together would be so short. It's like just yesterday we got to know each other. Our first meeting was not fun. You know Omi? I thought the first time we met, we'd end up being enemies forever because our differences were too much. Moreover, the thing you hate the most is me. But amazingly we are together. Funny isn't it?
Omi, as long as we are together we share many things. You taught me many things. Getting used to each other which I thought would be difficult but apparently not. Our differences are not as bad as I thought before.
Do you remember the first time we accidentally confessed our feelings to each other at the same time? If there is time to repeat I want to repeat the incident, because it was the beginning of you and me.
Do you remember when I made a paper airplane and said I wanted to take you flying? Watching it all from up there together. But in the end you fly alone. But it's not flying like this that I mean.
How's the view from up there? Is it more beautiful because it seems like you can see everything, or scary because it must be so high. I want to ask you this but I can't.
Life is not fair. I know, life is short and unpredictable. Like you. It's as if we just met for a moment, we get to know each other, we mock each other, we express our feelings to each other, we hug each other and say the word love, but in an instant you left me.
'You fly too high, I can't reach you.' – Miya Atsumu
I finished writing the letter, not long after the song O by Coldplay finished playing. Only until this song because my playlist only contains that one song. Which describes how I felt after you flew away and I couldn't get it back.
I got up from my seat and rearranged the chair I had just sat in. Looking around. This place used to be a place where we shared stories, gave each other hugs, ridiculed, joked, laughed and cried together. That warm atmosphere that I miss. But the warmth left with you, leaving the room cold as if you were in another dimension. Maybe this will be the last time I come back here. Not because I hate you. But because I'm afraid of getting crushed because I can't forget you. All our memories, we've been through here a lot.
My footsteps took me towards the hill with the maple tree where we first spent time together. Looking up at the autumn evening sky while eating my favorite gummy bear that you call childish.
Fold the letter into a paper airplane. Right, like I did here before. I don't know if I should still like airplanes or not. Paper planes are our beginning, but real planes are our end.
I'm looking at my letter to you that you won't be able to read. Too many questions why in my head with destiny toying with us. We are indeed powerless against destiny, but why must it be like this?
I was worried how scared you would be in there knowing you wouldn't survive. What was on your mind at that time? Do you want to say something to me? Did you say goodbye? I'll never know that.
I hate to remember it but it always haunts my head. When I just woke up, I turned on the TV to see if there was any interesting news this morning while brewing my morning coffee. A piece of news appeared before me. Same plane, same flight number, same destination, same departure time. I kept refusing, hoping it was just a coincidence. But no, all of that information is enough if not enough to say that you won't come back to me again.
Flashback
I turn off the TV and put down my coffee cup when suddenly I don't want it anymore on the table. I sat on the sofa bending my knees and hugging him. My head kept spinning all the denials of what I had just seen and thought. Unknowingly I cried. I thought, why am I crying? The news is not true. Or maybe it's one of my nightmares and I'm trying to trick my mind.
My apartment bell rang but I didn't move from where I was and my head was still muttering 'yeah, this is a dream. When I wake up everything will be fine' continuously. Before long the sound of the door opening greeted me and a figure who looked like me appeared there.
"Tsumu," he called.
"Samu, what's wrong?" I asked the figure who was none other than my twin brother, Osamu.
"Y-you--"
Osamu watched me with a worried face, what's wrong with him? I tried to smile at him but only a sob came out of my mouth. What is this? My head kept screaming rejection but my heart felt like it was stabbed by a million invisible blades. Why does it feel so suffocating?
"Tsumu, you know I'm here with you right?" he said as he hugged me tightly. Osamu and I rarely exchange soothing words like this. We fight more often to show we care for each other.
"What's wrong with you? Why are you suddenly being nice to me? Why are you nice to me only in my dreams?” I asked.
"Dream?"
"Yeah, it's just my bad dream right Samu? What I saw was not true, right? I must be working so much that my brain is tired and having nightmares like that,”
Osamu shook his head and cried. This is the first time he has cried in front of me. His arms tightened on me and it was getting tighter and I started to cry.
“Samu, that's not true is it? Omi can't leave me right?" I asked as I let go of Osamu's arms and looked at him with teary eyes. Gripping his shoulders tightly hoped Osamu would nod.
But Osamu shook his head, all my defenses and denials collapsed. This is real? Is this real?
My body went limp for a moment, making Osamu reflexively hold my weight so he wouldn't fall. "Tsumu, I'm here. I'm always with you."
“Samu, won't he survive? Is there no chance he survived?” I asked, still crying that I couldn't hold back anymore.
“I don't know Tsumu, but I don't want to give you any hope,”
“Why is he so mean to me Samu? Why did he leave me? Doesn't he think about my feelings? Why didn't he take me with him?"
"Then why don't you think about my feelings Tsumu? If you also go, what about me? Have you thought about how I would feel if half my soul left too?”
I fell silent with Osamu's answer. My mind is too confused and can't think clearly which makes me go crazy and say whatever comes to my mind without thinking it through properly.
"That's fated, Tsumu. We can't change it. Everything that will happen to us, in our life and death, is already written before we are born. All we can do is accept and move on with our lives. Don't make the calamity that befell us make you feel like you've lost everything."
“You lost Sakusa, your lover, someone you loved very much. I don't know exactly how you feel about losing him but it must be really hard for you to accept the truth. But you still have us, me, your family and your friends. You are precious to us too so please, be strong for us. For Sakusa's sake too. I'm sure he doesn't want you to be burdened by his sudden departure."
After that I don't remember what happened. All I remember was crying loudly in front of Osamu with frantic thoughts and after that I don't remember anymore.
Flashback end
Inhaling while looking up at the sky, for some reason my eyes suddenly felt hot and my chest constricted. I flew a paper plane with my letter to you. The wind blows it takes it somewhere I don't care. Bringing a message from me to you who have gone forever. 'You fly too high, I can't reach you.'
Cause they fly always
One minute they arrive
Next you know they're gone
They fly on
Fly on
FIN