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The clothes are crammed so he puts part of his weight to close the last suitcase with what it’s missing from his clothes. He sighs deeply and looks at the door of the room where the rest of his things are.
Hinata looks at his watch and realizes that it took him longer than he should; that Atsumu would arrive at some point. And that is something it couldn’t happen. He doesn’t want another talk about the whole matter, not after they finally put an end to what they had all these past years; even though Atsumu insisted that they could solve the differences; that they still had time.
That they could stick together and heal the wounds that they’ve created in each other over the course of the years.
By the time the suitcase hits the ground, he hears someone enter the apartment and curse his slowness in getting his things ready. He arrives with all the luggage to the living room and notices Atsumu standing, in front of the door, with his arms crossed. And Hinata is plenty sure, without need to look at his sweet chocolate eyes, he would notice the sadness which they are bathed.
He would notice the wound that’s marked in Atsumu’s heart when they decided to finish.
Put an end to a relationship with so many ups and downs that it could resembled a turbulent ride on a roller coaster.
A relationship that began after Hinata’s first nationals. When they met at Karasuno's match against Inarizaki. That match where Shouyou had not only won against Atsumu and his team but also his heart.
That Atsumu had been captivated by that presence full of brightness and energy, the genuine smile and that orange became his favorite color.
Their story started slowly: exchange of numbers, texts, progressing to midnight calls and wishing a nice dream. Then the dates came, both agreeing a middle point cause they lived in different prefectures.
They had five dates before Atsumu gain courage to ask him to be boyfriends; even if he would have done it since he asked for Shouyou’s number; he would’ve done it since the moment he saw his smile and how his eyes would close when he did it big and free; like a crow flying at ease.
They were officially together by the time Shouyou was in his second year at Karasuno and Atsumu in his last at Inarizaki.
Both could confirm that the first two years of relationship were the best. Visits every weekend to enjoy doing things together: go for a cake at Shouyou's favorite cafe, play volleyball to not lose the passion they felt for it, go to an amusement park and get on which machine game Shouyou felt ready to, or walk with clasped hands through a park and talk about their lives.
Atsumu always loved hear Shouyou speaks. For the way he expressed himself with his whole body: his eyes shining like shooting stars, covered with a sweet almond that drove him crazy; his voice full of sounds (wua, fium and pam) to explain his emotion of anything and the hands so that he understood everything.
Atsumu was the first to fall in love and say "I love you", when they made two months together; Shouyou said it honestly at the fourth month. And maybe, just maybe, they should have noticed that the first difference occurred there.
They started with a couple of discussions when Atsumu had to go to University and Shouyou made his decision of travel to Brazil for improve and strengthen his lack on volleyball; because it was his greatest passion and he still had to get better on several aspects; and he was sure Atsumu would understand him in that decision.
He did but not how Shouyou wanted.
They argued particularly with the matter of Brazil. For making a plan of how they would continue together even if the other was on the other side of the world. Yes, there were texts, the calls and video calls; but it would be two whole years and Atsumu wasn't sure if he could deal with it. With the doubt playing its part in his mind.
Because even he appeared to have an attitude that nothing affected him, Shouyou became his achilles heel. Without asking for it.
Atsumu didn’t doubt because he mistrusted Hinata, but it was the way he recognized that wherever Shouyou went he left a permanent mark on people's hearts. He was one of his target, leaving him the biggest after a three-set match.
They solved it. They were still young. They were still in pink clouds and rainbow stage of a relationship. They moved on with that matter when Atsumu rectified that he would visit him at least on Shouyou's birthdays to spend it that days together.
Because his boyfriend was the sun itself and seeing a sunrise or a sunset on a Brazil’s beach was perfect for him.
The two years fly, sometimes very slowly, other times in the blink of an eye. By the time it dawned on them, Shouyou was back in Japan and introducing himself to a couple of professional volleyball league teams. Achieving one of his dreams: to be in the first league. And not only that, being on the same team as Atsumu: MSBY Black Jackals.
They celebrated his entry in the team like they never did with good news or with a birthday.
Shouyou had returned and achieved one of his dreams.
Shouyou had returned, but he no longer felt the same intensity of the relationship as before Brazil.
Shouyou had returned, but Atsumu with the passing of the weeks realized that it wasn’t necessarily next to him.
And despite the fear; from that pimple that go in his chest and deepened millimeter by millimeter over time, they agreed to live together in Atsumu's apartment. Each with their own room, but still shared the same bed at night.
There were still the kisses that burned the skin, in places where the lips rested; slight caresses that tickled the sides, or the marks that were present there and made them feel in the clouds; that nothing would go wrong as long as they remained in their intimate bubble.
In that moments, Atsumu still felt the love they had for each other; that they loved each other with the same level; that they were in equal flames; that the bonfire they created was still alive.
It's that simple: he believed that the relationship would improve now that they lived together.
But life never gives you what you ask for, and reality came and broke that hiding place of theirs in which they were sheltered.
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It’s kind of funny how destiny works sometimes: giving you the opposite of what you begged for.
Actually no. It isn’t funny at all. It’s kind of the irony giving you a kick in the ass. Like sometimes when you want peace and five minutes of silence, it rains inside your head pending issues even without thinking about them; they came out of the blue taking away your personal time.
Like when you want a break; but instead of air slowly coming in, stress and anxiety attacks you and you can’t ripped out of the feeling of being trapped.
Like when you ask Santa Clause for a gift as a child and nothing comes to you, not even the coal that your fathers warm you.
Like when you try to patch a relationship that no longer has a future; you hit the wall, because there is no escape. There is no escape of the inevitable.
Atsumu confirmed it that afternoon after returning from his weekend evening run, when he saw Shouyou with his belongings in the living room of that apartment they shared until two weeks ago; when he was forced to accept the end of what they had for almost six years.
Maybe it's for the fact that Atsumu was too stubborn to notice there was no longer that connection that they had since they met seven years ago; there was no more chemistry or sparks exploding when they kissed.
There were no longer the butterfly-shaped tickles inside the stomach when they held hands or gave each other a chaste kiss to prevent being cloying in front of their teammates on the National Team.
But for him, they persisted in a sufficient proportion for them to even try.
Too foolish to accept that despite the love it kept beating in both hearts, they were no longer in love.
Correction: Shouyou wasn’t. Because he was the first to walk away. It was in a slowly way, since his debut game when they faced the Adlers; the team where Kageyama was one of the main players.
Atsumu preferred to pretend he didn't notice the change in his boyfriend.
In how he was more dynamic when he spoke with his old high school partner; in the way they continued with his usual competitions, despite being two years apart; in the way Shouyou's laughter resonated louder when Kageyama made some awkward comment for his still lacking socializing skills.
There is a very common statement in the world: there is no worse blind than the one who doesn’t want to see. And in this sad situation, the blind man was Miya Atsumu; because he thought that if he didn't say anything, things would continue like they were before. That nothing would change between them.
That Shouyou would still wanted to be by his side; as they promised during the nights they spent together years ago. Those nights before his departure to Brazil. When everything was the color of the sakura coming out in the springs; when they were happy despite the arguments and jealousy. Despite the contrast of difference that was already emerging.
People say that there is no worse blind than the one who doesn’t want to see what is obvious for everyone. And Atsumu realizes this; he came back to reality when Shouyou tries to pass by towards the exit of the department in complete silence.
Because everything was already said. They had already shouted all the claims that were hidden during these years together just to have peace. Tears of anger, frustration and sadness had already come out between them.
That even though it was Atsumu who insisted they stay together, Shouyou was also suffering for leave him. For leaving the already known, his comfort zone and begin something strange, what he can discover on his own; without Atsumu next to him anymore.
That even if they were the first time of several things to each other, it won’t meant they necessarily should be the last.
That not always your first love turns out to be the love of your life.
That the red thread of destiny that bone them together had been broken and there is no way to force something that is no longer born naturally from you.
Shouyou realized this when he started to talk to Kageyama again. He noticed from the time that he shared with him, that the flame of love that he still felt for Atsumu was still alive, but it no longer burned to the point of giving him that warmth that made him feel at home; that was where he belonged.
Yes, he still loved Atsumu. He would always do because Atsumu gave him his time and heart, and he in return.
Yes, he still loved him, but he was no longer in love.
And when Hinata realized that, he preferred that the healthiest thing was to nip it in the bud. That it would be useless to continue together when he could no longer offer him the same.
When he could no longer say "I love you" after spending the night together.
Yes, there was still comfort, because he knew the environment with Atsumu, but that didn’t meant he should continue there.
That he shouldn't give him more wings when his flew out of league, to someone else without realizing it.
That he had fallen in love again, without asking for it or whishing for, with the person who least crossed his mind.
That he had fallen in love with his best friend, when his heart still belonged to Atsumu.
They say that there is no worse blind than the one who doesn’t want to see. But Shouyou reacted quickly, just like his over-natural reflections in a volleyball match, he didn't want to put the blindfold on and pretend that things with his partner wouldn't change.
Because there were already differences before leaving for Brazil. Because there was doubt, mistrust and insecurities prior his trip and they remained latent even when he returned to his country.
That even though he told Atsumu repeatedly that everything was fine, deep down he was right.
He agreed with him after a Karasuno team meeting to celebrate the game between MSBY and Adlers. Where he and Kageyama reconnected; and yes, something did come up there. Not an infidelity, but a feeling that he was familiar to it, because he had experienced it on his first dates with Atsumu; but now he felt it with a black-haired man with deep sea eyes that invite you to sink into them.
That feeling that your home is sometimes a person who knows everything about you.
And that night, in a restaurant bar where they celebrated that his team crushed Kageyama's, he realized that his home had already changed addresses, without actually asking for it.
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"Shouyou...”
"You deserve better," he cuts him off calmly, knowing what Atsumu will ask. “You deserve something that I can no longer offer you, even if I want to continue, I can’t keep lying to you or me.” He abandons his suitcases in the entrance hall and approaches Atsumu to give him a last caress on the cheek; a slow, smooth and full of honest love. "You are worth too much to ask me again to stay together."
Atsumu bites his lip to avoid sobbing or complaining; no longer sure what would come out right now.
Yes, he agreed: he shouldn’t have to beg for a love that no longer beat in sync between both of them.
It was Atsumu Miya, for god’s sake, a first-league starting player who could be with anyone if he put effort to it, but still clung to his first love like they were still teenagers.
"Tsumu, look at me." Atsumu obeys him because he uses that soft and sweet voice he still yearned for. And he curses himself when he sees the same sadness in those golden brown eyes. Maybe not as intense as his sadness, but there it was, tears leaking in the corner. “You deserve someone to be with you without wanting to be with someone else at that moment. You know that, don’t you?”
He nods, because there isn’t more words to add. He doesn't find new tactics to keep him by his side. Finding something that could soften Shouyou’s heart and stay together for at least a few more days; make it weeks, months and years if possible.
When they began an official relationship, Atsumu already glimpsed his future from ten years onwards and in all scenarios Shouyou was by his side: on birthdays, holidays and more frequent visits to each other's house, adding more years of anniversaries.
Maybe he should’ve asked to the teenage Shouyou how he had visualized himself in his future, to know if he also painted him in the picture.
But he knew it wasn’t thhe case. Because his sunshine lived day by day, waiting for the life to surprise him with something unknown.
Unfortunately the life surprised him with a new love that was beating little by little with more intensity; in contrast to the flames he still felt for Atsumu slowly fading, still twitching, wanting to survive the sand cast over time, but already giving up.
Shouyou believed at the beginning that their case could be like a fairy tale: your first love becoming the love of your life. No need for broken hearts and faded promises.
No tears of sadness fogging their eyes.
But life isn’t a dream taken from children's stories and there were times when the fall is harder than you expected.
Sometimes you had to end that first love and reborn; to be someone new to deliver something pure to the one who comes in line.
"I want you to be happy, but I can't give you that anymore and I'm really sorry." He strokes his cheek again before taking a blonde lock between his fingers. “Deep down you know what is best for both of us.
"You say it because you already love someone else."
His head ached and his eyes burned; the lump in his throat kept tying up more and more and he just wanted a break from feeling so many horrible things. He wanted to stop feeling like half of his heart had been ripped from him and twisted with it on as if it weren't his vital organ.
Hinata sighs, trying to find the right words, because he wants them to fit. They will remain on the same team in the league and couldn’t be training and arguing again.
“I think it's for the same reason that this should end, don't you think?”
“No.”
“Tsumu...”
"Don't call me that when you insist on leaving my life” He reproaches him, following the behavior of a small child throwing a tantrum.
“I'm not going to leave your life and you know it.” Hinata massages the hollow between his neck and shoulder to remove a bit of the tension that persists there. “We will continue in the same team: the league and the national team; and I think we should at least behave decently when we’re playing.”
“Hell, I already know that!” Atsumu exclaims, already letting out the tears, because it hurts; It hurts a lot and somehow he has to get his feelings out. “I’m not a child.”
“I'm not saying that...”
“Did you like him in Karasuno?”
“What?” “Tobio-kun. I’m asking if you like him during the Institute. Was I your worst is nothing?”
"Wait, stop your train of thinking because that was never the case." He begins with some anger, because he can't believe that they continue in this cycle of endless discussions. “Kageyama and I were only friends during Karasuno, I made it clear to you when in his time you asked if there were something between us. Do you remember what I told you?”
"That both of you were just best friends, yes, I remember well." He spat reluctantly. “It's just that it seems a lot of coincidence that now you come and ask me to finish because you fell in love with that best friend.” Atsumu crosses his arms over his chest, as if that would protect himself from whatever Shouyou was throwing at him now.
"I didn't ask to fall in love with someone else, Tsumu," He clarifies again, but with a tired and sad voice. “I didn’t ask to love someone else even when I was with you. I didn't ask to stop loving you.” And Shouyou's first tears come out. He cries in silence, because this ending has been delayed for quite some time and the emotional burden has been too much.
“If you didn't ask for it, why are you leaving?”
"Because my heart is no longer here with you." With his index finger he touches his chest, in the place where they hear his heartbeat. “Because we both deserve to be happy and there is no way to feel like that if we still together.”
He approaches stealthily, like his nickname when he came from Brazil: as a ninja; he stands on tiptoe and kisses his forehead before taking his belongings.
“I love you, but no longer in the way you want and deserve. I'm sorry, Tsumu, I really do.” He opens the door and takes the things out of the place first, before taking one last look at Atsumu and leaving the home they had created together over the last few months.
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Atsumu finds loneliness and silence heavy. He realizes this only after his dear sunshine closes the door after saying goodbye. Before meeting Hinata he would know what to do in these scenario, but now Atsumu wonders how to continue.
He curls up in the individual sofa and cries silently for about half an hour before taking his cell phone and call Osamu for help.
“What happened?”
“Samu, Shouyou really left me” He managed to tell him between his stammering from crying.
“I’ll arrive in twenty, stay where you are.”
Two hours later and five onigiris, of those his twin makes, pass while he slips away from the world by hugging his brother and complaining about how unfair his life is; Osamu trying to calm him down because despite the childish arguments they have, he is his twin and the one who knows him the best.
“Tsumu...”
“Don’t say it.”
“If you know what I'll say, then you agree with Hinata.”
“Could you stop saying that he did the right thing when I'm still heartbroken?” He claims, grabbing a salmon-stuffed onigiri. With swollen and irritated eyes from crying.
“Would you have preferred that he had cheated on you with Kageyama?”
Atsumu is silent because he acknowledges that both his brother and Shouyou are right, but the wound is still too fresh to tell them that.
“I hate you.”
“You hate me because I’m the voice of reason in terms of both.”
“No, I hate you because you don't let me live my duel as I want.”
The brunette sighs before gets up briefly to go to the part of the wooden cabinet above the television where the movies are and puts his selection into the electronic device to project it.
“You seriously put Shrek's?” He questions when the logo appears at the beginning and the scene of the protagonist tearing the page out of the storybook.
“One: it's a classic. Two: you need something to distract yourself with and stop sinking into the misery you claim to be”
“I am.”
“Whatever you say.”
“But I am.”
“I will ask you a question and you must answer honestly. Would you have liked it to continue together and at some point Shouyou would’ve cheating on you with Kageyama?”
“No.”
“If it were the other way around, wouldn't you have acted like him?”
"Maybe" It's the only thing he says to him, while he imagines both scenarios and the only thing they produce is bitterness and sadness.
“Unconsciously you agree with him, but it will take you time to admit it. But you should remember one important thing: neither Hinata nor Kageyama are the villains in your story.”
There is another half-hour cry before the laughter makes presence because of the occurrences of the character "donkey" in the film and the dynamic of him with the ogre "Shrek."
Throughout the afternoon, his brother doesn’t leave him, until late at night and after a call with Suna he realizes the time.
“You have to go back?” Atsumu ask without noticing the slight pleading tone that escapes him.
“Not stupid. I told him I’ll arrive until tomorrow after work.”
“So are you staying?”
"I think that's obvious, stupid." And Atsumu laughs lightly at the hateless rudeness his brother says to him.
It’s at midnight, when both of them are already lying in Atsumu's bed (because Shouyou's was forbidden even though he had taken all of his things), that it returns to his mind everything about them.
Their relationship. The ups and downs. His heart becomes small when he turns his head and sees no longer a mass of orange hair, but brown.
Don’t misunderstand him, he really loves his brother, and is infinitely grateful that he didn’t leave him alone when he feels the worst; and he hates himself because he prefers his ex-boyfriend next to him than the one who knows him the best and who always helped him to heal the scars that life has left him until now.
It’s at midnight when Miya Atsumu decides stood with his head held high from this sadness that has left him emotionally unstable.
That he must learn to reborn, from the ashes that were left from his relationship with Shouyou.
That he will be a new person when someone else comes into his life and falls in love again; that it’ll makes him believe that even though he now feels his heart shattered, he can rebuild himself and be ready for something new.
That although the fire that he maintained with Shouyou was already out, he had to light one on his own to continue feeling warmth in his life; a flame that balances him until someone joins and becomes one.
That he would, they should only give him a couple of days and maybe a few weeks to laugh again without remembering the loneliness of his home.
That there would come a time when he and Shouyou could live together normally without the sad memory of what they were.
That he would go back to being the cool, carefree Atsumu, the one who jokes and says stupid things just for the sake of it.
That there is not only one love in your life and it was his turn to firmly believe in that to get out of his current pain. Starting with slow steps and then at his usual pace.