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The Mountain men were defeated, their people rescued and as one enemy was knocked down another had emerged targeting their alliance. Months passed as the sky people and grounders raged war against the desert tribes. They fought for survival and tried to make peace with those that couldn’t be understood.
Clarke spent her nights typically in the Commander's tent, it was warm and safe. They stayed up at night going over war strategies and when they finally would exhaust themselves of talking politics their eyes would meet and then the dance began till they were both bare feasting on flesh well into the morning.
Clarke wasn’t insensitive or trying to be deceitful to the Commander or her feelings she just wasn’t sure they were anything serious, so she shared her body and mind with Raven after they made up and Octavia and sometimes with Lincoln and Octavia. She needed to feel alive and the rush and normal and a bond. She just wanted to have fun and relax without any complications with no feelings involved and she thought she’d been fine with her dalliance till one day the dam finally broke.
The first of many wars had been won and with that some time downtime had been earned. Clarke and a few of her friends had parted ways to head with the Grounders to their capital to understand the culture they’d been so wrapped in for a year now.
After arriving in Polis Clarke had been escorted to Lexa private chambers where she sat sipping some wine and motioned for her to sit. Hre she noticed the Commander could stop being such a hardass and finally smile and laugh and let down her guard.
“Are you enjoying your time here?” Lexa asked as she watched her. All signs of makeup and dirt gone only flesh and skin shown, it made her look younger but in her eyes her eyes told a deeper story.
Clarke smiled as she took a seat. “Very much who knew the grounders enjoyed music and art so much.”
Lexa smiled at that then her face turned serious as if she was thinking hard on a subject matter.
“Are you ok?” Clarke finally asked looking concerned as the commander hesitated to speak. She never hesitated and that filled the blond princess with dread.
“No. Not exactly. I’d like to discuss a matter with you about our relationship.”
“Lexa..I…” she fumbled for her words as the Commanders face darkened.
“I know that you're young and need to enjoy life till you can settle for a suitable partner.” The Commander explained as she rose from her seat trying not to pace.
“But I know where your destiny is leading you…. but I just want to hear you say it as well so I know.” she continued her voice staying even as she breathed deeply.
Clarke rose from seat taking slow steps towards her friend and lover as she got herself ready to finally admit how she felt. She knew and had been told the Commander was actually trying to court her into something serious but she hadn’t taken it serious till now.
“Lexa I care about you, I do.”
“But…” The word echoed hauntingly back at Clarke.
“I know now that you think were together in a serious because we’ve been at war together and shared a tent together.”
“And slept together.” she interrupted as her face fell at exactly where she could tell the conversation was going.
“Lexa I think you know that this was never a serious thing. We were at war and we both needed someone to hold onto at night. We needed to feel our humanity and not just like we were predators going in for the kill. I know deep down you feel the same way.” she said as she tried to reassure the commander and herself.
“Don’t patronize me Clarke.I’ve seen many lives and memories and I’m smarter than you think. Don’t misjudge my feelings and my judgment. Don’t tell me I’m only seeing what I want to see.” Her voice wavered now as her eyes looked sad and haunted.
“I’m saying that we’ve spent a lot of time together since we formed an alliance, since the mountain men. We were constantly around each other more than anyone else. Your feelings may just be pushed onto me because of how much we shared in responsibility and pain and loss. It can be misinterpreted and confusing especially for two leaders.” she explained as she watched her friend scrunch her face up in confusion and sadness.
“Clarke of the Sky People. I am not confused….” she took a step towards the blonde and held her face. “I’m in love with you.” her voice cracked and she cursed herself for letting someone get to her once more. Love was weakness she knew that and it's a;ready weakened her once how could she let it happen again. She felt disgusted with herself especially since she knew this wouldn’t end well for her.
“Lexa I respect you and care about you and I do love you….but not like that.” she whispered as her hands held Lexa that were still on her face.
The Commander pushed away tears glistening in her eyes as her body shook with rage.
“So…. Ravens good enough, and Octavia good enough and even Lincoln is good enough.” her tone was dark but her face showed the signs of breaking and bursting with emotions. She was trying so hard to bite it down till a small step towards her from the blonde she desired finally broke her.
“What’s wrong with me, why not me?” she said with tears down her face but her voice still dark and smoky. “Have I not been there every time and given you exactly what you need and still you choose them.” she said as she shook her head. “Whats wrong with me?” she demanded as she wiped her eyes quickly.
“Nothings wrong with you Lexa. I’m not ready for that. I told you.” she said her own face showing a deep frown and conflict.
“I thought after Costia died that I’d never long again and never feel that pain. You may leave Clarke of the sky people.” she said as she got herself together and had her stern face on.
“Lexa please you have to liste….”
“I said leave!!!” she growled out as she called for the guards and had the blonde escorted away.
Love was weakness and she would never embrace that weakness again.