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It was a normal day at the Boar Hat, and a peaceful one at that, so that the Sins were spending their free time in various ways: Ban had gone napping, King and Diane had decided to go out walking around town, the other five members, plus Elizabeth, were staying at the tavern, they were on the main floor, Gowther was reading at a table near the bar where Merlin sat on a stool, drinking some wine, and Escanor was behind the counter finishing the clean up, while Meliodas was teasing the princess, receiving the usual scolding from Hawk, but it was as clear as day that the two were flirting, one couldn't miss the little affectionate touches and the look in their eyes.
It was particularly clear to the Mage, who was staring at them, troubled.
Looking at them, at how they interacted, was making her feel strange, as if she was near a revelation of some kind but it was still eluding her, she didn't know how to explain that, she wasn't even sure of all the things she was feeling.
The Lion frowned, looking up at her, he had noticed that she seemed worried.
"M-miss Merlin, is e-everything a-alright?"
He asked a little uncertainly, he didn't want to intrude in her privacy, but he couldn't not offer his help if she needed it.
His words distracted The Mage from her thoughts, enough so that she turned her head towards him, but she was still very much troubled.
"I…"
She was going to say her usual 'I'm fine', but this time she couldn't, puzzling herself and her fellow Sin.
Escanor had been expecting her usual response, but seeing her unable to muster even that, gave him the push to pry a little more, she was worrying him.
"I d-don't know if I..uhm.. am a-able to help you, but I can l-listen, and m-maybe talking about t-this could help you f-figure it out."
He said smiling and blushing, unsure of himself but trying his best for her.
He wasn't wrong, she had often discussed things with him, it helped her to figure out something that she may have overlooked, or talking about her line of reasoning would make her suddenly realize something else. It was true that these discussions usually revolved around her experiments, but why would this be different? She needed to dissect this problem to find a solution, like always.
She decided to give it a try, but it wasn't as easy as she thought.
She tried to explain what she was feeling, but it was difficult to put it into words, and that frustrated her. The poor Lion could only look at her, confused, trying to understand what she was trying to say.
"Do you want me to see inside you?"
Gowther's words snapped them out of their own minds, and turned to him. He had heard snips and bits of their conversation, and decided to ask if they wanted his help.
The Mage was very reluctant, but she was a glutton for knowledge, more so if it regarded herself, not knowing what was going on with oneself was distressing even for her, and Escanor was almost making puppy dog eyes, he was very worried.
"Alright, but look only into the absolutely necessary, and nothing else please."
The Goat nodded, closed his eyes to use his powers on her, and got to work. The other two Sins were waiting with bated breath.
When the doll reopened his eyes he seemed a little perplexed.
"Mh, it is quite a mess of feelings inside."
He said, musing about what he had discovered.
"I can tell you for sure that you're feeling some kind of envy, you feel that something is missing, you long for something like what they have."
He said looking towards Elizabeth and Meliodas.
"But at the same time you feel that it is impossible for you, that for some reason you can't have that..."
While he was talking, Merlin began feeling very clearly and strongly what he was describing, she felt like a beast in a cage and began panicking from this emotional assault; she began looking every which way, searching for something, she didn't know what, but she needed to calm down.
When her eyes made contact with the Lion's, he could perfectly see that she was panicking, she seemed almost terrorized.
The Boar, looking at him and seeing his genuine concern for her, felt something strange, as if something was blocked inside her, immediately she felt the guilt arise, but she didn't know why!
She was feeling too much and too confusing sentiments, she needed to go, now!
On instinct the Mage teleported herself from there, not even letting the Goat finish his explanation.
The doll felt confused by her sudden departure, and turned to his other companion to clarify the situation, finding him looking with longing at the space that had been previously occupied by their raven haired friend, with a pensive and worried look on his face.
~ ~ ~
She had teleported to her room, and was walking up and down, restless, breathing hard, trying to take back control of herself and her emotions.
She was feeling totally lost, confused and alone at that moment; she felt a great void inside where something else should be instead, or so she felt like.
Finally she sat heavily on her couch, crouched over with her head between her hands. She was unused to feeling like this, usually she was able to keep her cool facade and was almost never taken over by her own emotions, she had had to master control of herself.
Now she was hugging her legs to her chest, her head leaned on her knees, crying, without any apparent motivation, tears of frustration and confusion.
It was some hours later that Escanor came knocking on her door. He had decided to give her some time to herself and then come checking up on her.
He didn't get an answer, so he tried again, but with no results.
He steeled himself and did something that in any normal circumstance he would have never dared: he entered her room anyway.
Inside was dark, the only light was coming from the moon outside the window and the corridor from which he had come, and as soon as he closed the door he was swallowed in the dark and still room.
He searched for some more courage inside him and took a couple of steps further inside.
"Merlin?"
He called her, but no one answered. His instinct was telling him that she was in her room, but she wasn't responding to his calls, and this was worrying him even more. Taking a few more steps he arrived at her couch, and immediately stopped.
There he could make out a sitting form, huddled on itself, and waiting a few seconds longer for his eyes to adjust to the dim light, he felt himself sigh in relief: he had found her.
He approached her slowly, he wasn't sure if she would appreciate his presence intruding in her room right now. Carefully he sat down beside her, making sure to maintain a good distance between them, and waited. When nothing happened, he tried raising his arm towards her, as if wanting to comfort her with his touch, but stopped mid air before reaching her, and thought better of it, retracting his hand and resting it on his lap with the other.
The room continued to be silent and still.
"I'm sorry that you have to see me like this."
Her whispered words almost made him jump, but he was able to control himself and instead frowned at her tone, he had never heard her like that.
"You must be thinking that I'm very pitiful right now... I know you idolize me…"
It seemed like she was apologizing for having broken his ideal of her.
He frowned even more at that.
"You're right"
His words made her flinch, he saw that and went on.
"You're r-right if you're saying that I have a v-very high opinion of you… but how can I n-not know that you're human? How can I not r-remember it every time I feel my heart hurt s-seeing the saddest look in your eyes?"
His words surprised her so much that she found herself turning her head slightly towards him, wanting to see the expression on his face: he was deadly serious and concerned.
She felt like crying again for a whole lot of different reasons.
"...I don't want to take advantage of you and your kindness… I know that you care very much for me, but I don't know if I could ever repay you for that… I'm not even sure if I will ever be able to reciprocate those feelings…"
The sudden serious and determined look in his eyes made her catch her breath.
"Please, don't underestimate or d-decrease my feelings like that. My love is not so weak, I'm not d-doing things for you to have s-something back or be reciprocated, I'm doing this b-because I truly and deeply care about you. B-being able to help you, to s-see you happy, that is enough of a fulfilling p-prize for me."
He lowered his head and sighed heavily after that.
"Maybe it is p-part my fault, me t-thinking so highly of you may have p-prevented you to be y-yourself and to ask me for help when you n-needed it."
He then raised his blue eyes again to look into her golden ones.
"But I want to be t-there for you, I want to be able to s-sustain you when you need it. If y-you'll have m-me, that is..."
He felt very self conscious after all that, knowing that he was being more forward than his usual self, and that maybe she now felt uncomfortable with him.
While he was berating himself, she was trying to understand what good deeds had she ever done enough to have him in her life, she was fighting back the tears, she was already an emotional mess and his words had hit her hard, and she wanted nothing more than to love him back. She knew that she cared for him, maybe she could even love him… Then why didn't she feel anything when thinking about it?!
It was so confusing and frustrating!
She was taken back from her thoughts by him beginning to rise and leave, coming to the conclusion that her silence meant that she didn't want him there.
On instinct her arm lifted up and her hand caught his, shocking both of them.
She didn't know if she loved him, she didn't even know if she could love someone at this point, but she was sure that she didn't want him to go.
"Stay...please."
She almost whispered the words, but he heard them and nodded, sitting back down. As if it was normal, she leaned herself against him, resting her cheek on his shoulder. He stiffened, but after some moments he relaxed again, reminding himself that he was there for her, that she came first.
"Can you hold me, please?"
Her request surprised him, but did as he was asked, circling her body with an arm, embracing her to him. She sighed and adjusted her position to be more comfortable.
After some time they both fell asleep.
~ ~ ~
When he opened his eyes he wasn't in her room anymore, he was surrounded by a white space all around, one couldn't even make out where the floor and the walls intersected, if there were things like that here. It was surreal.
He was laying down so he sat up, and looking behind him what he saw shocked him: there was Merlin, on her feet, in a defensive position, and she seemed to have placed herself between him and a very tall and imposing woman, whose face couldn't be seen, it was too bright, and taking note of her multiple wings, she must have been of the goddess race… probably even The Supreme Deity! As absurd as it could sound.
"You haven't changed a bit from 3000 years ago."
Her voice resounded everywhere.
"I could say the same about you, but frankly I would have preferred not knowing this."
The Mage seemed very displeased, the tension was evident in the air between them.
He didn't want to draw attention to himself, but rising up he must have made some kind of noise that the other two figures caught.
The Supreme Deity's attention was on him instantly, and the Mage responded to that by walking slowly backwards towards him, so that she was directly in front of him. He couldn't see her face, but her eyes narrowed.
Before he could say anything Merlin updated him on their situation.
"We're in a neutral part of my consciousness it seems, she transported our minds here, to talk she said, but I would really like to know about what, why now, and why us."
In between her explanation she had begun addressing the goddess directly.
"I felt the block inside you begin to break."
She turned her head towards the man.
"So, it's your fault. Interesting."
Escanor couldn't find anything to say, he wasn't understanding what was going on.
"Which block?"
The Mage had narrowed her eyes, suspicious.
"Well, I suppose it's time to come clean about it."
Mused the Supreme Deity, regarding the two Sins.
"3000 years ago I didn't feel like Belialuin's destruction had been enough of a punishment for your misdeeds, so I took it upon myself to rectify that."
That surprised and worried the Boar, but she was able to maintain her angry face, while her companion had a very bad feeling about this.
"Taking advantage of the moment of weakness while you were watching your people die, I was able to infiltrate your mind and put up a kind of barrier that blocked one particular emotion: the ability to feel love, especially romantic love."
She was explaining all this as if it was no big deal, but the two Sins felt a heavy chill travel throughout their bodies. At that moment Merlin was able to put the puzzle pieces together, that explained how she was feeling before and why she had felt something was missing, but why now…
Oh.
Thinking back maybe she had an ounce of why it had happened now.
Her eyes narrowed even more, and looked right where the goddess' eyes should have been.
"Give it back."
Her voice was cold and menacing, her eyes were alight with fury.
The other seemed impressed but not even a bit afraid.
"Oh! I think you understand exactly what that means then."
The Boar may have understood, but Escanor wasn't so sure to be following, and the Supreme Deity must have seen it on his perplexed face.
"Let Me explain: not only she's unable to feel love for someone else, she's also unable to feel someone else's love for her. She may know that it exists logically, but she can't feel it both ways."
The Lion's eyes widened at her words, he was shocked and wordless.
It was so cruel!
He couldn't even begin to grasp how someone could think of something so cruel!
He thought back on all the times he had seen that sad look in Merlin's eyes, at her breakdown just before, and he felt anger rising inside him.
The Mage was at least as angry as him, if not more, she was angry not only for herself, but for Escanor as well! This had also been a punishment for him, this had discarded his feelings completely, not only hers, it had been disrespectful to both of them. She may or may not have had it coming, but he was innocent!
"What are you planning to do then? You said that the barrier was breaking."
She was ready to fight for her right to love and be loved.
"I suppose that I'll do nothing."
Her response shocked both Sins.
"Nothing?"
The Mage was rightly suspicious.
"Yes. It would be pointless to put it back while he is alive."
She said, matter of factly, pointing towards Escanor.
"He seems to be able to completely take down my barrier, and I don't care about doing something about it anymore."
The Boar was still suspicious, who assured her that she won't try to harm Escanor?
As if reading the raven haired woman's mind, the goddess answered.
"Let's just say that it's not in my interest to harm your mate."
Merlin lifted an eyebrow at her choice of words, while the Lion blushed all the way down his neck, and tried to focus back on the fact that, evidently, he was able to help the Boar.
"H-how...?"
He began asking, talking for the first time. He wanted to know what he was supposed to do to break the barrier around his companion's love.
The Supreme Deity catched that without him needing to say more.
"You love her deeply enough to call out to her own love, and that is gradually breaking the barrier, releasing the block."
She explained, and left the two, once again, surprised.
There was a pregnant silence after that.
"So, now what?"
Broken by the Mage’s question.
"Now I'll be sending you back."
She answered matter of factly.
"That's it? Why did you take us here in the first place?"
Merlin was confused.
The goddess seemed to think about the question for a moment.
"Well, I think I just wanted to brag about the fact that you never suspected anything."
And that was it.
Both Sins woke up in her room right after that. It was still dark but the light of the moon seemed different, some time must have passed.
They were still pressed together, his arm around her and she leaning on him; they were silent for a moment more, thinking through what had happened.
"I-it wasn't a d-dream, right?"
He asked unsure.
"No, it wasn't."
She seemed thoughtful but sure of it.
Escanor sighed, relieved, and on instinct squeezed her and gave her a sweet kiss on her head, as if comforting her and himself.
Merlin stilled, and he, realizing what he had done, immediately blushed and stuttered apologies, but when he was about to release her of his hold and put some distance between them, she suddenly stopped him, leaning again into him. He was surprised and didn't really know what to do, but she seemed okay with him holding her, so he rested his arm around her once again.
"Merlin?"
She seemed lost in her thoughts, but when she lifted her head to look at him he could see wonder in her eyes, for once.
"Is this what love feels like?"
She whispered, awe obvious in her tone and eyes.
He was taken aback by her question, and just looked at her with a questioning expression.
The Mage mutely sat up straighter and took his hand in hers, interlaced their fingers, and stayed there to look at their connected hands, as if they were hiding the answer to all of her questions. He let her do as she pleased, he was used to her inspecting him, and he recognised the focused look on her face now, she was in 'research mode', as he liked to call it inside his mind.
"I… I feel something."
She whispered, marvelling at that.
She then lifted her face to look him in the eyes, searching for something more; she took his face in her hands, studying him, and then slowly began closing the distance between them.
Escanor felt like he was under a spell (he knew he wasn't for real), everything was so surreal!
Merlin caressed his moustache with her thumb, before diving in for a taste of his lips. At the very first press of their mouths together, she felt like an electrical shock coursing through her body, reviving her every nerve, and could also feel a warm sensation inside her chest.
It was too much for her right now, so after just a few seconds massaging their lips together, she broke the contact, taking a deep breath.
The Lion had a dreamy and shocked expression on his face, he would have never thought possible to be doing this with her.
"I'm sorry, it's still so new, I think I need some time to get used to… just feel, I think."
Her breathing was a little labored and her cheeks were warm. Escanor thought that she was absolutely beautiful.
He took one of her hands and brought it to his lips, kissing it gentlemanly and reverently.
"I'm here w-with you. I will help you t-through all t-this. I w-will help you b-break the barrier c-completely, and e-experience love."
He was determined and smiling, and she grinned back at him.
"I wouldn't want anyone else."
She was sure of it, now she was feeling it.