Work Text:
'Sei?'
'Yes?'
'Why do you always tell me you're in love with me?'
'Because I am,' Seishirou smiled, his eyes squeezing shut. Subaru never liked how that happened. It was meant to be natural, but it seemed like Seishirou was trying to hide something when he did it. Like he knew his eyes would reveal the truth.
Seishirou wasn't in love with him. He lied to him for some reason he couldn't understand.
Why would a man like Seishirou lie? He was always so lovely. He was kind to people and animals. He even picked a job specifically to help others. He cooked and cleaned and made time for Subaru. He made time for him even though he didn't love him. So what was it about Subaru that made him lie?
Was he that pathetic? Did Seishirou think he needed to believe someone loved him just to make him feel better? He didn't want to force that on Seishirou. He could handle himself, and Seishirou should be with someone he actually liked instead of wasting time on him.
A cool hand pressed to his forehead.
'Are you alright, Subaru? You don't have a temperature,' Seishirou said, the smile replaced with a look of concern.
'I'm fine,' Subaru avoided looking him in the eye, scared of what he would see if he did.
'I have some medicine in the cabinet if it would help?'
'I'm fine, really.' He rubbed the thumbs of his gloves, feeling his hands itching under the material, 'and isn't all the medicine here meant for animals?'
'Ah, you're right! But you're pretty cute, so I figured it would work for you, too.'
Subaru stared at his shoes. Seishirou was kind and cared for him. He lied because he cared for him. That fake cheery tone was proof. Seishirou probably thought he was a nice boy, and he probably thought he deserved to be happy. But he was wrong. He didn't deserve that kindness.
'You haven't mentioned anything about work,' Seishirou interrupted his thoughts again, this time handing him a cup of tea.
'It was fine.'
'Really?'
'Mm-hm.'
'Well, it's good if you have some easy jobs once in a while. You need time to relax.'
The ghost had been haunting an apartment building. Subaru had found her in the hall, her head on her knees and her hair perpetually soaked. He could hear her sobs from the ground floor echoing through the halls.
Her head had shot up the second he stepped into the hall. She looked hollow like so many did. There was nothing left, all emotions had dried up, and even the river water couldn't rehydrate them. The newspapers had spoken about the body only a few months prior. A woman who'd gone missing many years ago. They said she'd hosted a charity event that day and never turned up to the party afterwards. There'd been an interview with a co-worker of hers who insisted it couldn't be her and that she had no reason to go by that river.
They'd believed she was still out there.
He tried to speak to her, as he always did. Routine conversations. Points that had been drilled into his brain since childhood.
'What do you know?' the woman repeated the same question he'd heard from a dozen others, 'you're just a child. You don't know anything.'
She was right. He didn't know anything.
'I was a selfish woman, you know. I spent years of my life on charity work. Everyone thought I was so selfless. That I cared so much for others. Every cause I sounded so passionate about. Some people would tell me that the only reason they donated was that they heard someone so intense talking about these things. That I was the one that swayed them. That I was a beacon of hope for the world.
'They didn't know. I didn't care about any of it. None of it meant anything to me. I don't care about rain forests or pollution or baby pandas. I didn't even clean my apartment regularly, never mind sort things into recycling, non-recycling, burnable, whatever.'
Subaru made a mistake then. One he should have known better than to make.
'Even if your heart wasn't in it, you made positive changes in the world.'
'Who cares about the world?' she snapped, finally pushing herself up from the floor. The droplets from her dress turned to steam as they fell. 'I never cared about the world! I don't care if it's a better place with or without me! All I ever cared about was getting him to love me.' She slammed her hand on the apartment door she'd been sitting beside. 'But it was pointless. He never loved me. He saw right through it all. He knew I was nothing but a selfish cow! I hosted a whole event for some stupid cause he said meant the world to him! Months of planning, working with the board, and securing the funding, making sure it would raise more than it cost. For what? I called him on my way to the party. I told him how much we'd raised and what that money would be able to do.
'And I finally did it. I asked him if he wanted to go on a date that weekend. I tried to act casual about it too, and I tried to avoid coming on too strong. And for what? Him to turn me down? To apologise profusely and hang up on me without ever explaining why?
'But I know why. He knew. I know he knew, and I knew it came across as fake. He found it creepy how I always seemed to know what causes meant the most to him and would dedicate my life to them. That's why he always moved on so fast. I was a fool. I was such a fucking fool for not realising I'd been found out.'
Subaru could feel it stabbing into him. Every word she spoke. Every cruel thing she said about herself.
He didn't know what he was meant to say to that.
'I wish he'd just told me. I wish he'd called me out for the lying bitch I was. But he didn't. He wouldn't say a single cruel thing to me. He never had. He had always smiled and complimented me. He'd called me the best friend he'd ever had. He'd made me feel special. Like he cared for me. So I tried to live up to what he wanted me to be. Utterly oblivious to the fact that he knew the truth.
'If he'd just said, maybe I wouldn't have… maybe I would have at least hated him enough to not…'
She fell back to the floor, sobbing once more.
Subaru eventually managed to send her on her way quietly. When he came downstairs, Seishirou had been waiting for him.
He couldn't tell Seishirou about it. He would undoubtedly have something intelligent to say, and he'd have known exactly what to say to her to put her to rest easier than he had. Seishirou was good with people in a way he could never hope to be.
But he couldn't stop thinking about it. It wriggled in his mind, eating away at him.
He'd wanted to believe it wasn't deceiving anyone. That it was okay for her to do. That she was a nice person, despite all that.
He knew when people weren't really that nice. He knew when they were genuinely deceiving someone, and no good was coming of it.
He knew he was a pity case.
He'd been silent from the time Seishirou picked him up until he reached the office. Seishirou said he had some work to finish and offered Subaru a chance to hold the puppies while he worked. No doubt he'd noticed and was just trying to make him feel better. That was the kind of thing Seishirou would do. He'd see when Subaru was feeling down and quickly find some way to make him happy.
But the puppies stayed in their cages, sleeping soundly while Subaru watched on.
'It really won't disturb them if you want to hold them, Subaru. Some of the puppies struggle to settle when they're staying overnight. And it'll make you feel better.'
Subaru still refused.
'Subaru,' Seishirou said, sitting down beside him. 'What's bothering you?'
He held his breath. What must it have been like for her? Submerging herself in the river. The water rushing up her nose, down her throat, stinging her eyes. What must it have been like to realise it was going to her lungs, weighing them down until finally…
A shiver ran through him. He didn't want to think that deeply about it. He just didn't want to breathe anymore.
'I don't want you to feel you have to say you love me.'
'Then you don't have to worry. I tell you it because I mean it.'
Subaru's hands tightened into fists on his lap.
'I don't mind, Sei. Really. You don't have to tell me that.'
Seishirou put his coffee down on the table, straightening up. Subaru still didn't want to look him in the eye. He could feel it. The mask slipping away, and whatever contempt Seishirou really had for him coming to the surface.
'Do you want me to tell you that I don't love you, Subaru?'
Subaru bit his lip, looking down at his gloves.
'Would it make you happier to believe I don't love you?'
He realised he was frozen, unable to even nod or shake his head. Would it make him happier? Automatically, he wanted to say no, but…
It should. That would be the right thing. He needed to learn to accept the truth. He needed to stop forcing Seishirou to pretend to feel something he didn't. Seishirou should be allowed to live his own life with someone as good as he was.
If he was a good person, that's what he would wish for him. That would be enough for him to say yes. So, it was what he'd say.
If only his mouth would move.
Seishirou wasn't saying anything. Simply awaiting a response that wouldn't come. The air had grown thick, waiting on him to stop being a coward and just let it go.
But as always, Seishirou had to be the one to save him. He had to be the one to help him.
'Subaru, do you want me to stay here?'
He could feel the words bubbling in his throat, only to be blocked by his tongue.
'You're crying.'
Subaru finally looked at Seishirou and felt the burn on his cheeks. He couldn't. He couldn't answer.
'Seishirou,' the sound came out in almost a whimper. He wanted to hold him. He wanted to run over and hold him tight and know that he would never leave him. It was all he wanted.
But Seishirou's eyes were cold, and he found himself stuck in place as they fixed on him. Waiting.
'You don't ever say what you mean, do you?'
Subaru shook his head automatically. Was that true? He hadn't really thought about it.
'What happened, Subaru?'
'It wasn't that bad. It wasn't any worse than a normal case. It was just,' Subaru mumbled, drawing his legs up onto his seat. Once again, he was stuck for what to say, edging on the uncertainty. What was he meant to tell Seishirou? Why did he even want to tell him? So that Seishirou would comfort him? Tell him he was good after all? Did he want Seishirou to say the exact words he’d said to that woman, only this time they would definitely be untrue?
He hadn't even really helped people. He'd done a couple small things, sure, but nothing like she had. She had an impact, and people missed her when she was gone.
Would anyone even miss him? Hokuto, maybe, but that was because she was his twin. It wasn't like there was anyone else.
'What happened?' Seishirou's tone had turned sugar sweet again, cooing at him to calm his nerves, trying to convince him that he genuinely did care. Subaru’s head fell into his knees, pressing them against his ears like it would stop him from hearing it. Like Seishirou would get the hint and start speaking the truth.
Yet the words came trickling out as Seishirou willed them.
'The woman had said she was selfish. She'd done so much good for others, but in the end, she only ever did those things to aid her own wishes. It was all to fulfil her own goals. To make someone like her when he wasn't interested in being with her. She felt guilty for it. Everyone always praised her for being nice, but she never felt she truly was.'
'And?'
'I wonder if it is selfish to help people for those sorts of reasons.'
Seishirou's voice had slipped back from the sickly sweetness.
'Do you think you help others for your own gain?'
He didn't answer.
'Do you have something you want to achieve?'
'No.'
'Do you have something to gain from helping them?'
'It can make me feel useful.'
'Does it?'
He could feel the tears streaming down his face again as he tried to keep his voice from shaking.
'No.'
'So what do you get from it?'
He didn't know. What did he get from doing this?
'Do you want my opinion, Subaru?'
No.
'You do this because it was asked of you. That's the reason. Isn't it?'
Yes.
'So what you gain is making others happy. You do it for others with no gain for yourself.'
That wasn’t true.
'I think you're perfectly selfless, Subaru. There's only one thing you want from doing this.'
'One thing?' Subaru glanced over to him.
'You want to make others happy without making yourself happy.'
'I don't know what that means.'
'Every time I speak to you after a job, you're the same. You're no happier for a job well done. You walk out of every job either the same as when you went in, or worse for doing it. More often than not, if you find a ghost suffering, you suffer with them.
'That's why, right now, you're thinking you're selfish and that you help others to gain something from it. You're just mimicking her.'
'Oh,' Subaru let out a deep breath.
'Subaru?'
'What?'
'Do I get a kiss for working it out?'
Subaru jumped, knocking the chair off balance and landing on the floor in a heap. His head whacked off the floor, sending a rattling through his skull as the blood rushed to his cheeks. He could hear Seishirou laughing on the other side of the table as he set his coffee to the side.
Subaru lay flat against the linoleum floor, staring up at the cold white lights of the vets' office, waiting on the rattling to stop to let him back up. The light was blocked out by Seishirou, bending over him as he knelt down beside him. An arm hooked under his leg and slipped around his back, scooping him up as he got back up. Automatically, Subaru's arms latched around his neck, trying to avoid falling if Seishirou's grasp were to slip.
'Do I get the kiss if I carry you like this?'
'I thought I told you to stop joking.'
'I told you, I'm not joking. I'm serious about you, Subaru. I wouldn't be here if I wasn't.'
Their eyes met, and the world seemed to falter for a second.
They were so cold like they reflected the veterinary office perfectly.
Subaru had never thought of Seishirou's eyes as reflective. He didn't know they'd catch such an atmosphere so strongly. Maybe it was because his head was still spinning. It felt heavy and was starting to weigh its way against Seishirou's chest.
He could hear his own heart beating when his ear pressed to Seishirou, echoing at the touch of their bodies, hammering in his chest.
It would be nice if Seishirou loved him. It would be nicer for him to love him than to have anyone else in the world love him.
He didn't know why.
Something brushed his forehead, and it took him a minute to realise it was Seishirou's lips. His head pulled away from Seishirou's chest, trying to get a look at his face.
It was still cold. Like he hadn't moved at all. The kiss could have been his imagination. A desperate hope in the need to be loved.
His hand reached up without him realising, his fingers tangling in Seishirou's hair. It was thinner than he'd imagined. He hadn't realised how thick his own was until he touched Seishirou's. He wanted to feel it.
For once, he wanted to take his gloves off and feel something with his own two hands.
Seishirou's face came closer to his own, and it took him a minute to realise the force of his hand was what pulled it there. It only clicked when he caught Seishirou's lips in a kiss.
Despite everything, his mouth was warm. Despite all his words, he hesitated before returning it.
'Sorry,' Subaru whispered, 'I should have said. She wanted someone to love her. There was a man she liked, and she wanted him to love her. I guess I took that on too.'
Seishirou's arms tensed under him, the grip on him suddenly harsh. It didn't hurt, but Subaru could feel his fingers digging in.
Maybe Seishirou really did love him.
And he'd just said the cruellest thing.