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Things were okay now. Things were getting better. It had been two months since the defeat of Xehanort, and two months since Isa had been resurrected from the remnants of what was left of his heart. Isa’s eyes were green again. They were a faded, washed-out color that could only hint at the brilliance of what they used to be, but to Lea it felt that any color in Isa’s eyes would be better than the liquid gold that had weighed him down when they were under Xemnas’s command.
Things were still delicate between Isa and Lea.
Isa was still trying to navigate how to be a whole person—he could remember everything that he had done as a Nobody, and he retained even sharper memories of the time Xehanort’s heart had possessed him. All of Lea’s memories were muddy. Their friendship before the Organization felt like looking back at a blurry photograph—there was nothing specific about it, only a nostalgic feeling of a happier time. Lea had tried to force all the memories of the Organization out of his system. Every time Isa tried to bring it up, Lea would skew the conversation sideways or make up an excuse about having to meet up with the kids because, “if the worlds ever go to shit again, I need to make sure the little rascals are in shape to save them.” They never spoke about Xehanort’s possession of his heart. Even on the nights when Isa would wake up, a cold sweat running down his face, and he would instinctually call out Lea’s name in what sounded like a cross between a sob and a moan, Lea wouldn’t mention the fact that Xehanort had infused himself into Isa’s heart and controlled his will like some morbid human puppeteer. Lea would only come into Isa’s room, drape his arms around him, shush him. He would remind Isa, “You’re okay. You’re here. You’re with me. We’re here and we’re okay,” and Isa would nod while he tried to steady his breathing by matching it with the even beats of Lea’s heart. Eventually, when he felt Isa had relaxed, Lea would fall asleep on the bed, even though it was barely big enough to fit the two of them. Isa would stare silently at the ceiling trying to think of nothing but the feeling of Lea’s arm across his chest.
He tried to let these memories—the past two months rebuilding his relationship with Lea, his new human life— blend in with the old ones, but they were like oil and water. Aside from the nights when he had nightmares, it felt like a transparent wall was blocking all of Isa’s attempts to reach Lea. On a surface level it seemed like Lea had forgiven Isa for everything that had passed between them, but Isa knew better. He could feel Lea’s gaze linger on him when his back was turned, and when they were around others Lea would hover, making sure Isa never came too close to anyone or spoke to anybody for too long. Lea wouldn’t even touch him. He’d grow stiff whenever their shoulders brushed or when Isa’s fingers would meet his while passing the salt at the dinner table. Isa had tried to apologize several times before but Lea shut him down each time. He refused to talk about anything that had happened, and Isa felt he could do nothing but accept Lea’s silence and apologize by showing his gratitude. He kept their apartment spotless and made sure the fridge was always stocked with Lea’s favorite meals. At first Lea insisted it was too much and that a little messiness is what gave his home style, but after the first month he had to settle with the fact that Isa was Isa, and he was as stubborn as Lea’s hair was spiky.
Even after two months, everyone was still in recovery. Lea had a scar running down the length of his right arm that Isa knew was still giving him issues, but Lea did everything in his power to hide it. Isa was less damaged, physically. The only real remnant he had of the final battle were the color of his eyes—proof that he had been brought back from Xehanort’s grasp. Isa saw the kids infrequently, but their presence was the only significant measure he had for the passing of time. Kairi wasn’t in crutches anymore but she still kept a brace on her leg. Roxas’s bruising was gone but he still flinched whenever someone stepped too close to him, as if he was avoiding unnecessary damage. Riku was healed, but he always seemed guarded, his hand twitching like he was ready to pull out his keyblade at any moment. Sora was cheerful, even to Isa despite the hell that Saix had given him, but behind his smile he looked tired, as though he still hadn’t had a good night of sleep yet. Isa didn’t think anyone had. Even Lea’s penchant for sleep wasn’t enough to get him to rest easy at night. From his room, Isa could hear Lea pacing from the kitchen to the living room until well past midnight. It always occurred to Isa that he should go out and check on him, but he held himself back, partially because he wasn’t sure what he could say to Lea that would comfort him, but mostly because he didn’t think Lea trusted him yet.
Guilt was always at the top of Isa’s insecurities. As much as he desired it, he didn’t feel deserving of Lea’s trust. Despite Lea’s care and willingness to take him in after everything they had been through, Isa remained unsure of their situation. He felt that Lea’s dedication to him was out of responsibility. He could see how different Lea was around the kids, how their friendship fell into place with ease. When it was just him and Lea, it was like trying to fit a rusty screw into a new machine. They were supposed to work together, but the damage to one was too great to serve the other. Lea could pretend all he wanted to that things were fine. Isa knew better.
--
It was a fight that finally allowed Isa to confront Lea about their years falling apart. It was a Friday evening and Isa had backed out of a trip to Radiant Garden. Since they had taken up their residency in Twilight Town, Isa had never expected to make a visit to the Garden. He expected Lea to push the world aside along with every other thing that reminded him of the past, but Isa had come to learn that Lea’s past only ceased to exist in the presence of Isa. He had been making trips to the Garden by himself, and that was what sparked Isa’s outrage.
“You act like you don’t even remember the life we had before you became whole again, and you mean to tell me you’ve been frequenting Radiant Garden?” In two months, Isa had never lost his composure, never voluntarily shown an inkling of the extremities of his emotions. He didn’t want to put strain on a relationship that he felt could collapse any second, but this was too much.
Lea stares back at Isa, an odd expression on his face. It isn’t guilt exactly. It seems to be a cross between surprise and discomfort, like he can’t believe Isa has spoken. “Of course I remember, but I won’t dwell on the past. I’ve been working with the Restoration Committee to bring the Garden up to speed. You can understand that right?”
“Lea, I won’t go with you.”
“Why not? You’ll love it. If you’re so insistent on bringing up the past, then it can be just like old times. I’ll buy you an ice cream and everything,” in hopes of lightening the mood, Lea chuckles at the reference to their childhood but instead it seems to spark something within Isa.
Isa clenches his fists and before he can really stop himself he begins to speak the things that have clawing inside him for the past few months.
“I’m tired of this Lea—I’m tired of you pretending I’ve done no wrongs, I’m tired of you dodging my apologies.” “I don’t—,” Lea starts, but Isa doesn’t give him time to continue. “I remember everything I did, exactly as it happened. Castle Oblivion, the Thirteen Vessels, sending Dusks after you—,”
“That wasn’t you.” Lea’s reply is full of conviction, full of dread. Isa is taken aback. For the first time it dawns on him that the careful façade Lea has built around him hasn’t been out of distrust but out of fear. Lea has never been one to confront his demons.
Isa shakes his head, disbelieving. He looks down at the floor “Don’t delude yourself. It was me. Xemnas was reaching to the darkness inside of me, but it was still me. I was the one who gave into it.”
Lea’s eyes fill with anger, “That’s not—,” he begins to argue but Isa already knows what he’s about to say.
“Of course it’s true and you know that just as well as anyone. Don’t tell me you weren’t eager to throw your heart away for a pair of chakrams, or will you blame Xemnas for that too?” Isa knows he’s being cruel, but it’s the only way he knows Lea will listen.
They stay silent for a long time, eyes locked on each other uncertainly. Neither of them wants to fight.
“I know I wasn’t a model citizen, but I was lucky enough to have had Roxas give me a reality check. I left you to Xemnas when I should have been fighting to pull you back. I keep asking myself how much of you I saved and I’m still not sure. I’m terrified of finding out, Isa. Please, will you forget about this and just go to the Garden with me?”
Isa is dumbfounded by such a stark display of emotion. It strikes him that maybe after all this time Lea really has changed for the better, which is more than he can say for himself.
He wants to prove to Lea that he saved him in his entirety, but he can’t think of the words to begin. He doesn’t want to go to Radiant Garden, either. He’s not ready to visit his childhood home, and he can’t find a way to tell Lea no without disappointing him.
Instead, Isa reaches for Lea and for once he doesn’t flinch. The warmth of Lea’s hand underneath his floods Isa with a familiarity that he had long since forgotten. The skin is tougher than he remembers, but the long bony fingers are the same. Lea doesn’t say anything. He only looks at Isa, his gaze running across him—his eyes, his nose, his mouth, his hair—and Isa wonders if he’s really trying to see him, or if he’s only trying to find traces of the person who used to be there.
A memory drifts into his mind of their first real kiss, the one where the anticipation had been better than the actual kiss itself, and Isa isn’t sure if he wants to laugh or shatter into a million pieces. The memory feels so long ago, and he finds himself feeling like he and Lea are two different people than the ones in his memory. Maybe Lea didn’t save him in his entirety after all.
Lea begins to speak, and the noise almost startles him. “I’m sorry for having left you to that monster,” Lea says in a whisper that makes Isa wonder if he is meant to hear it at all. Lea reaches up and brushes a strand of hair back from Isa’s cheek, and his hand hovers along Isa’s jaw. Green eyes meet blue, and Isa can feel something inside himself break.
He leans in and his mouth meets with Lea’s. It’s all he can think to do after so many years of distrust and the last few months’ despondency. For a moment, Lea is rigid. Isa is about to pull back when he feels Lea’s hesitation dissipate, and just like that he melts into the kiss as he used to when they were teenagers, lips fitting together like mismatched pieces that had learned to mold to each other’s shape. Lea’s hand tangles itself in Isa’s hair and even though the kiss is riddled with uncertainty, nothing can stop the familiar desire starting to burn in the back of his throat. They pull apart but the feeling of each other’s pressure on their lips lingers.
Isa can barely get out a whisper, “Don’t be sorry. I’m the only one to blame.”
Lea shakes his head and lets go of Isa, an exasperated half-sigh half-laugh falling from his lips. “As stubborn as ever,” he mumbles. Isa is ready to take offence but Lea looks back at him, serious again, “If you want to take the blame, fine, take it. But know that I’m not pretending the past doesn’t matter. I’m just worried about you, Isa. I’m afraid you’ll break. You still have nightmares and I keep wondering if there isn’t some lingering Remnant trying to fight its way to get back to you.”
“That’s not going to happen, Lea. You brought me back—all of me. No matter what happens I’m not going to give in like I did the first time. So, promise me something.”
Lea gives Isa a look, one eyebrow raised in suspicion. “What?” he asks.
“Promise me you’ll stop being an idiot who pretends everything is fine when it’s not, okay?”
Lea laughs then, and for the first time in two months he sees a true glimpse of Isa, the best friend he thought he lost so many years ago. He kisses him quickly again and mumbles “sure” against Isa’s mouth, glad that tension between them seems to finally have dissolved.
Isa smiles, basking in the way Lea reaches to him with comfortable familiarity, as if no time has passed at all since their last days as humans and these ones.
Things were okay now. Isa and Lea both knew that from now on they could only get better.