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“Are you two going to just talk about me in front of me the whole night?” Peter asked, making both his dads’ heads snap up from their phones.
“We’re not-“
“What are you talking about?”
Peter shook his head. “You two are obviously texting each other. You only do that in front of me when it’s something you think I’m too young to know about or it’s about me.”
“We do not do that,” Steve scoffed.
“Yeah, we don’t,” Tony replied back.
Neither of them looked particularly convincing.
“Whatever,” Peter chuckled. “Can one of you sign this before we lose it. Again.”
Tony rolled his eyes, reminding him it was one-time they accidentally set the form on fire, while Steve read through and signed the permission slip.
“Hey kiddo,” Steve started asking as he gave him the sheet back. “How’re things with your friend MJ?”
Peter’s brow narrowed. “MJ’s fine. Why?”
Steve crossed his arms, leaning against the table where Tony sat, trying to look as chill and unbothered as he could. “No reason. Just curious.”
“You never ask things for no reason,” Peter pointed out, crossing his arms as well from the other side of the table.
“Pops and I were just wondering if you two were friends or, like, friends,” Tony clarified, elongating the last word way too much.
“You’re asking if she’s my girlfriend,” Peter corrected them in an even tone.
“We were just wondering.” Steve shrugged, but there was nothing casual and easy about it. The man was not made for subtlety.
“If you knew I were gay or bi, would you ask me the same about Ned?” Peter asked with a smirk when he saw both his parents visibly panic.
“I don’t- wait, are you?” Tony asked, changing directions completely.
Peter tried to contain a laugh at just how flustered the men in front of him – honest to God superheroes – were in this moment. “I’m not gay. I’m starting to think bi is on the table though.”
“Oh,” Steve answered back before adding almost to himself, “shit, I should have thought that as a possibility.”
“Thank you for telling us,” Tony added, his tone still betraying his actual feelings.
“Oh my god, you two look about ready to combust.” Peter laughed at his parents, before looking at Steve. “You found the box, didn’t you? That’s why you’re asking if I’m seeing someone?”
“I didn’t mean- it was just there. I’m just a bit… well, conflicted might be the best word here.” Steve let out a sigh.
Tony reached out to his husband, giving Steve’s arm a squeeze. “It just made us realize we’d never really talked about this with you. Not really, anyways. And we- well me, really... I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I made.”
Peter looked from Tony to Steve a couple of times, an amused but perplexed looked about his face.
“Wow, this is not turning into what I thought it would.”
“What do you mean?” Steve asked, looking at Tony.
“You set us up?” Tony guessed.
“A bit, yeah. I thought Pops would freak a bit when he found it. I didn’t think you guys would be this intense about the whole thing”
Steve threw his arms wide. “Why in the world would you do that!?”
“Okay, okay, look. I’m sorry, alright. So we had sex ed today. Our teacher kept asking questions to the whole class and I was the only one who knew any of the answers. Or volunteered answers, anyways.”
Steve contemplated the answer. “Where did you learn anything about this topic, exactly?”
“Seriously, you can say sex in front of me. And you really don’t know?”
Both parents looked at each other and shook their heads.
“From you two!” It was Peter's turn to throw up his arms in disbelief. “Look, maybe you never sat me down and had a proper birds and bees chat with me – which, I have to say, kinda not mad about that. But you were both always open and honest when I did ask questions. You always have been. And you know I ask a lotta questions.”
Steve and Tony looked at each other again, seemingly confused.
“We did?”
“Yeah,” Peter chuckled. “From the time I caught you two in bed when I was 5 to when Aunt Pepper got pregnant.”
Tony rubbed his hands down his face. “Oh fuck, I’d forgotten about that.”
“Uncle Bucky’s face when you asked how sperm got from a penis inside Aunt Pep. That was pretty funny actually,” Steve remembered with a grin.
Peter just shook his head at them. “Some day, there will be a hefty therapy bill coming your way for that first one. But yeah, you always gave me very age-appropriate explanations for sex. Pops, remember when I was unpacking the grocery with you and found a box of condoms and lube, and you explained what they were, you didn’t just run and hide them – which Ned said is what happened with his parents. And even when I got confused after you explained about contraception and pregnancies, and I knew you were both men and that wasn’t the reason you were using them… You didn’t just wave me off, you explained their other uses and how to use them safely too and why.”
“I’d kinda mentally blocked that one out too.”
“Figured as much. You’ve both been teaching me about consent since I’ve been born, basically. Do you know how many times a guy’s asked MJ for a blow job and wouldn’t take no for an answer until she punched them?”
Tony swore under his breath as Steve’s hands clenched around the table. “That’s horrible!”
“Yeah, it is. For real, I was the only one who could answer any of the questions our teacher asked. She seemed surprised when I told her I’d learned from you two.”
Tony frowned lightly. “Well, that’s… it doesn’t explain what Pops found.”
“I ended up with the box of condoms as a bit of a joke after being the only one that could demo how to use one properly on a banana, and answering the questions, and not using words like ‘hoo-ha’ and ‘pant snake’. My teacher just threw it my way and said I deserved it for carrying the whole class. Figured you two could use it, since I don’t have any interest in that right now. And they do expire.”
Tony nodded along, looking a bit more relaxed. “So you don’t need us to talk about anything?”
“Nope, not now. I know if I have questions when I’m ready for that, I can ask and you’ll be honest with me. Which brings me to Pops’ original question. MJ and I are kinda seeing each other. I think? She kissed me, but that’s all that’s ever happened. I swear I’ve never asked her for a blow job, that’s not how I know about that whole situation. We just haven’t talked about dating really, but I think she’s my girlfriend. I’ll introduce her properly once we figure that out.”
Steve let out a long breath and seemed to relax finally. “Thanks for telling us. I’m happy whatever we did worked with the whole sex talk thing.”
Peter hummed. “Can we order pizza for dinner? I’m starving.”
Tony told him to head upstairs and pick where he wanted to order. Peter grabbed his permission slip along the way, apologizing again for messing with them as he made his way up the stairs to the penthouse.
“Well, that went great,” Tony said holding his hand up for a high-five.
Steve answered it with a shake of his head. “I think our kid gave us a talk, Tony. Not sure we can call that successful?”
“I’m taking the win.” Tony wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist and pursed his lips for a kiss, which Steve easily gave him. “We might not know what we’re doing, but we did okay with our kid, Steve.”
“How is saving the universe easier than raising a human?” Steve asked not for the first time.
“The great mystery of life.” Tony kissed him again. “Let’s go upstairs before he uses my fortune to buy the pizza place.”
“It’d be the first time he does something we could properly ground him for,” Steve mused as he pulled Tony to his feet.
“I mean, doesn’t this little stunt count as parental abuse? I’m sure we can ground him for that. But-“ Tony wiggled his brows at his husband, “we have a whole box of condoms at our disposal. Wanna see how much trouble we can get into tonight?”
“We are way too old for that,” Steve laughed. “But I’m willing to try.”