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Heavy rain abated to a squall, cold crept through the gaps of your shirt, shivers ran along the curve of your spine, and yet the the sharp squeeze of your heart had made you bypass all those inconveniences. Lightly damp from the rain, your hair clung to your skin, eyelashes fluttered in exhaustion, figure bare of your usual confidence with the way you hunch your back. The tight clench of your fist expressed your hesitation to push forward.
You stood just outside Hirugami Sachirou's apartment complex, the building looming over you imposingly as if in mock of your timidity. Just five feet away from the stairs that leads to the third floor, to where Hirugami resides, and still, you stay rooted to your place, completely frozen in your indecisiveness.
"Move," you wish your body to act, almost a plea to seek refuge. "Just talk to him. That would be enough."
Your brain refuses to oblige, too stubborn to follow your command when insecurity takes the seat and nudges you out of the neighborhood. Two sides fighting to make a decision, one wanting to reach out and seek comfort, the other a coward convincing yourself you don't need anyone. It's always been you, never had anyone to rely on, why bother now?
The ghost of your low self-esteem hovers above you in menace whispering about your taunting fear of never being good enough, and that Hirugami’s feelings are an act of pity to you who has a hard time loving yourself.
It’s a burden. You’re a burden. You’ve convinced yourself. Perhaps if you let him in on your vulnerabilities then he’ll eventually realize just how problematic you are and that you are nothing close to the confident person capable of holding their ground, far from the perfect image as an independent person that has their life put together, and that you have scammed the good man into falling for you.
You are nothing but an impostor pretending to be someone you are not. Just a glittered trash hoping for someone to come pick you up and that Hirugami became the unfortunate passerby that fell victim to your schemes when he confessed his admiration to you in your second year. You turned him down that time but he didn’t falter in his romantic advances as he chased after you.
It was no secret to Hirugami that you like him back as well. With the way the people who knew of the matters kept on hinting it to the man, he was bound to know the truth. None of you addressed this and you were thankful for it. You don’t think you have the courage to shift your relationship with him, nor do you think you’re ready to commit.
Under the rain wasn’t a good place to think about your self-deprecating thoughts again and you should definitely keep moving. You have a hunch you’ll catch a cold tomorrow with how cold the winds were.
In the end, you turned on your heel and walked away, popping in on the nearest cafe you could find while ordering a hot beverage to warm yourself up.
----
It must have been an hour or so, cold cups of decaffeinated coffee lay in front of you, the incessant ringing of your phone barely registering on your mind when you're buried deep into the dark recess of your mind. On the screen, Hirugami's name flashes through but you don't have the energy to answer his call. You stared at it, eyes drooping in exhaustion, lips unconsciously tugging in a frown.
You typed in your text message, subtly hinting that you wanted to be left alone.
[Sachi<3]: Where are you?
He replies immediately.
[You]: somewhere.
[Sachi<3]: Are you alone?
[You]: Yes.
[Sachi<3]: Are you okay?
[You]: Yes.
A bubble that indicates him typing pops up and quickly disappears.
[Sachi<3]: Tell me where you are.
[You]: I want to be alone, Sachi.
[Sachi<3]: Please? Kourai told me he saw you downstairs earlier. Why didn't you call me?
[You]: I didn't want to disturb you.
[Sachi<3]: You would never.
You left the message on read, head turning to the glass windows.
That’s when you see him.
[Sachi<3]: nvm. I found you.
Hirugami stood just outside the cafe, cheeks pulled in a soft smile as he waved at you. Your eyes trailed after his figure making way for the door and with a gentle push, the bells attached to it jingle to announce his entrance. A small wave of happiness rippled through your anxiety, warping into guilt for his goodwill. His presence slightly pulled your cheeks in a small smile but it wasn’t enough to tip the scale of your current mood.
“You’re wet,” he begins as he settles down on the seat opposite of yours. Swiftly, he glances at the amount of coffee that you’ve drank and the untouched phone that still has his message on. He extended an arm that holds a spare jacket out to you and said, “You’re cold aren’t you? Wear this.”
“Sachi…” You tried to look for an excuse to refuse, not wanting to impose on his kindness anymore while trying to keep a distance.
“Please.” The tone in his voice was almost begging as if he wanted nothing but to ease the weight you seem to bear with how defeated you look. The aura of dominance around you that you always bear was snuffed out and was replaced by a gloom of helplessness.
Tired. That’s how he would describe you, like a wounded animal ready to embrace death at any moment as you reach out in reluctance and slide the jacket to your arms in robotic ease. You couldn’t even look him directly in his eyes in an attempt to prevent him from looking too closely at your sorry state.
It pains him to see you like this. There’s a tinge of ache twisting at his chest at how small you looked, head hanging low, as if you don’t want to be seen.
There was silence between you two. Only the sound of the people shuffling through the cafe can be heard. It was nearing closing time too and patrons were leaving for the night.
You still did not look at him, your hand fidgeting for the fries dipped in ketchup as you slid the plate to Hirugami’s direction, acting as if nothing was going on.
“Do you want some?”
Hirugami shakes his head and you shrug while lightly nibbling on the fries.
Silence again.
“I saw blackie earlier.” The white stray cat wandering near your campus dorms. “He was taking a nap and he looked so cute.”
You hear him snort.
“Your naming sense. It sucks.”
“I know.”
“Well, did you atleast take a photo?”
“Of course,” you replied and you slid your phone to his direction, showing off what you’d call your prized possession. “He looks so cute in this position. What a meatloaf.”
Hirugami could see how you disregard your own emotions like it was nothing. The way you slowly straighten your back and raise your head, he could see through your faux confidence. It bothers him how you couldn’t feel at ease to just peel away that pretense and just let him comfort you. But of course he can’t just force you to tell him anything. He knows just how prideful you can be.
In the meantime, the best he can do is stay by your side.
His hand shyly draws close to you, index finger touching you. You didn’t shoo his hand away and at your silent approval, he wraps the entirety of your hand with his own, thumb caressing your knuckles in comfort. It was his way of saying that he was just right here for you. His hand was warm to the touch.
The slight tremble of your hand announces your ensuing breakdown again.
“I think,” you clear your throat. “We should go.”
“Do you want to go home?”
You shook your head.
“Do you want to stay at my place?”
You hesitated for a while. You’ve been there before but you suddenly feel shy at the thought of staying alone with Hirugami in his apartment.
Still, you nodded.
“Alright. Let’s go.”
Without breaking physical contact, he helps you up from your seat and holds your hand tightly, intertwining your fingers as if it’s the most natural thing to do. Hirugami leads you outside the cafe.
You don’t ever want to let go of this hand. You tighten your hold as if in fear that he’ll disappear.
You catch Hirugami staring at you, his eyes locked at your face while he smiles. His hand comes up to the side of your head as he tucks the stray hair behind your ears. It was still raining a bit outside, lightly showering the streets.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
Hirugami cups your cheeks and plants a soft kiss on your forehead. You feel your eyes warming up at his words as you wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his jacket. He returns the gesture and rubs your back softly.
“I’d like it if you rely on me every once in a while.”
It just feels nice to be held like this. To know someone cares. To know someone has your back without you asking. It feels foreign but it is definitely a welcomed touch.
You stayed silent in his arms, sobbing a little against his chest. For a few minutes you stayed like that while Hirugami waited for you to calm down a bit. The cold night doesn't feel as cold with his company.
There is a sense of gratitude in you when you look at his sturdy back when he leads you back to his place, assurance in the way he holds your hand with steadiness, reassurance in the way he gazes at you so softly that it calms the waves of turmoil in your heart.
It feels warm.
The moment he stops in front of his room, you find yourself quietly thanking him.
"Thank you, Sachi," your voice is just above a whisper that you doubted whether he heard you or not.
But the way his lips stretches into a smile suggests he did hear you right.