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Jongseong sets his phone down on the table, taking another glance at the café counter. The line was getting shorter, only three people left. He locks eyes with the barista for a second and feels himself smiling unconsciously. Heeseung always had such an effect on him, even if it was just the other standing and taking orders from the customers. Jongseong wasn't really sure what the effect was. It made him want to do something very daring, and at the same time made him want to tuck into the sheets and relax. (Like one time Heeseung almost persuaded him to eat mint choco ice-cream. Almost.) Today it has made him wait for three hours just so he could spend some time with Heeseung.
“Jongseong, I’m done. Let’s go.” Heeseung’s voice snaps him out of his thoughts. His voice was sweet and calming, just like the honey he loves to gulp down when he is stressed. (“Jongseong-ah, too much honey is not good.” Heeseung has said this to him on multiple occasions. He even once hid all of the bottles but it didn’t work. Jongseong was stressed over work and Heeseung had no other choice.)
"Jongseong, you're zoning out again."
“Huh-okay, let’s go.”
“So, where do you suggest we go?” Heeseung asked Jongseong on their way out of the café. It was a silent walk from there, shoulders brushing against each other as they walked silently under the dim streetlights.
“What do you suggest ?”
“Yeonjun hyung is having a pa-”
“Another party already ? Didn’t he throw one five days ago ?” Jongseong asked, even though he was fully aware of how much Yeonjun loved throwing parties. He just didn’t understand why it had to be so frequent. “Also no, we aren’t going to any party. Who knows you might hook up with someone there and I have to return home alone.”
“Aww, is my Jongseong-ie worried about me ? Or jealous ?” Heeseung poked the other’s cheeks. Jongseong playfully sneered at him.
"I just don't want to be alone today. Besides, you agreed to hang out with me, not with someone else." Jongseong pouted, making Heeseung chuckle.
“Okay if you say so, then let’s go to my place.”
---
“Jongseong, it’s getting late. Shouldn’t you be going ?”
“Hmfmhhfh”
Heeseung tilted his neck to see the younger boy sleeping peacefully on his shoulder. Jongseong had a good alcohol tolerance, so he guessed it must be his exhaustion catching up. He had seen the boy stress over a deadline for the past few weeks and as soon as he got some time off, he had called Heeseung to hang out. Heeseung wanted to scold him for not taking a rest, but he would be lying if he said he didn’t want to spend time with Jongseong.
He took another look at the sleeping boy’s face and smiled to himself. The boy’s lips were drawn into a pout, hair falling on his closed eyes. Heeseung tucked his hair behind the ears, and lowered his head onto the pillow. This action made the other stir awake, gazing at Heeseung through sleepy eyes.
“Hyung-”
“You’re tired, Jongseong. Sleep here for today.” Heeseung spoke softly, fingers carding through Jongseong’s hair.
“Hyung,” Jongseong started again, a small sleepy smile on his face. “I love you.”
Heeseung’s fingers pause momentarily, before resuming patting the sleepy boy’s head. There goes Jongseong again, saying things that made his heart skip a beat. He often wonders if Jongseong realizes the weight of his words, if he realizes how much Heeseung wants them to mean what they really sound like, if he realizes how much Heeseung has to convince himself it’s just the boy saying whatever comes to his mind without really meaning it. It makes him feel a dull pain in his heart, but he’ll set aside the thoughts for today.
“I know. I love you too. It’s late already. Rest a while.”
Jongseong stares at him, lips parting in an attempt to say something, but he decides against it. He knows Heeseung hates it. Hates the way Jongseong says the words so effortlessly, as if it’s just some words. Jongseong knows. And he hates himself for the same reason too. He hates how he says it at random moments and spoils the mood. But then he knew even if he really meant it, Heeseung would probably brush it off. That is why moments like these feel so right to him and he just bares his feelings, not caring if Heeseung understands. Jongseong believes one day he will.
“Hm, okay.”
-------
Jongseong has tried a lot to make Heeseung understand his feelings, all the while being subtle with it. He tried letters, small encouraging notes, impromptu shopping sprees, gifts for the most random of occasions. (He also tried pick-up lines from google on Sunghoon’s suggestion once, but it didn’t go as his dear best friend made him expect it would. It took almost a week and a promise of no teasing from Heeseung for him to crawl out of the embarrassment.)
He knows he could have straight up walked up to the older and said it to him, they were close enough for that and he knew the older won’t let it get awkward between them. He knew Heeseung would understand him. But this wasn’t as easy as asking Heeseung to try a new dish he made, or a new massage technique he learnt. It wasn’t as easy as telling him a new trivia he learnt, or showing him a new design he made. This was something way more meaningful, and Jongseong made sure to approach it slowly.
So he waited. Waited for a moment when he could say it clearly, when it would no longer feel like spoiling the mood, when Heeseung would believe that he means what he is saying. He doesn’t do this often. Usually he dives headfirst into whatever he sets his mind to, and doesn’t really care much about the consequences, but this time he’s willing to wait. Wait for the right moment.
And there it was another problem. He doesn’t know when that moment is. It could’ve been the late night ramyeon date he had with Heeseung two days ago. It could be the trip to the beach they have planned for summer next year. Or it could be right now, him and Heeseung sitting on the rooftop at 12:30 in the midnight, with the cool breeze blowing through their hair, staring at the stars.
“Jongseong, you have been really quiet today. Care to share what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
Jongseong turned his head towards the voice. Heeseung was looking at him with the same gaze like he always did. Years later, Jongseong still hasn’t figured out what that gaze meant. He wanted to ask Heeseung once, but then he felt he preferred it unanswered. A gust of cold wind blew past, and he felt himself subconsciously inching closer to the other boy, seeking his warmth.
“It’s nothing important, you know.” He tried to brush it off. “Just some random thoughts about me.” About us.
“You know you can trust me right?” Heeseung inquired. Jongseong didn’t know what he expected, but it definitely wasn’t Heeseung looking at him hesitantly, as if he didn’t know Jongseong would trust him with his life.
“Yes, I do.” Jongseong supplies, turning around to look Heeseung straight in the eyes. Heeseung, despite sounding nervous a while earlier, didn't back down. His face moved closer to Jongseong, as if trying to gauge the sincerity of the boy’s words. The closeness wasn't anything new to them, but this small action of the older suddenly made Jongseong hyper aware of everything- his heartbeat sounded louder in his ears, the moonlight seemed brighter, the cool wind felt colder. This close, he could feel Heeseung’s perfume invade his nostrils intensely. It was the same as always, the one he gave to Heeseung. But today, maybe it was because of his own thoughts, the smell made him dizzy. He suddenly wanted to run away somewhere far away. Far from this smell, far from this feeling that was constantly knocking him out of breath, wanting to be let free. But something told him to stay. Stay there but let the feeling free from the confines of his mind. And so he did.
“I love you.”
The few clouds in the night sky were clearing out, more stars peeping through, shining brighter with every passing moment. Jongseong's eyes stayed true to his name, collecting the shine from the stars. The soft moonlight was falling on the slope of Heeseung’ nose, making it look gentler. It also lit up the small curve of his soft lips when he smiled at Jongseong.
“I love you too.”
Jongseong remembers him saying this before too, echoing the words the younger told him at random moments. He believed one day Heeseung would understand what he meant when he said those words. And tonight, under the burning stars and the clear night sky, with a fond smile directed at him, Jongseong felt Heeseung understood.