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On a Saturday night, around 11:43, Levi came to the conclusion that it was literally impossible to play Monopoly with anyone you actually cared about.
"No, no, no," Erwin said through gritted teeth. "You don't put all the money in the centre for free parking, you only put the money spent on Chance or Community Chest tax cards."
Hanji shook her head violently. "I'm telling you, it includes property purchase fees." While everyone was preoccupied, Levi saw Mike swipe a five hundred from the bank, but he and Erwin had so much more money than anybody else, it didn't even bother him. Not to say he'd actually earned a cent of it, just he was a whole lot better at stealing than Mike was.
"I've been playing this way since I was a kid!" Erwin was yelling now.
While those two were busy arguing, the other three teams seemed thoroughly bored. Eren was discreetly trying to pick at a scab on his wrist; Mikasa noticed and slapped his hand away, Erd and Günther were far too busy in seeing how far they could stick their tongues down the other's throat, and Auruo was staring awkwardly at Petra, while Petra was staring awkwardly at everything except Auruo.
"I don't care how you played as a kid! Here, read the rules!" She practically threw the manual at him hitting him right between the eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but Levi reached over to muzzle him before he could.
"Let it go, brat. It's just more money for us when we land on it." Erwin grunted, then sat back against the wall.
Eren spoke suddenly. "Hey, have we decided what the losing teams have to do as dares yet or not?"
"I think it should be whatever the winning team thinks they should do as punishment, and each team has an individual dare" Auruo grinned. "That way when we win, you'll all have to listen to me for once!" His eyes flashed dangerously when he noticed they were missing a thousand dollars. "Hey, who's been swiping off us?"
"I have no idea," Levi said calmly, tucking the two bills a little further down into his socks. "But I like your idea. That way the winner is really the only one who wins."
"Liar," Auruo growled, searching futilely all around him, checking under the board.
"All agreed on this?" Hanji interrupted, lively as ever, but still glaring daggers at Erwin. A short chorus of yeps followed. "It's settled then. Winning team can give up to four separate dares, one for each team. Oh, and no recashing houses or hotels."
"Erd, Günther, cut it," Levi growled. With a sound like a plunger being sucked out of a toilet, Erd and Günther pulled away from each other, making Hanji giggle.
"What's so funny?" Erd snapped defensively.
"Nothing, it just looks like you've had a vacuum attached to your face," she said, rolling over on the floor and laughing. That alone was enough to make everyone else burst into hysterics too. Even Mikasa cracked a smile.
"Alright then," Mike said, still grinning faintly. "Let's actually start this game."
"I still want my money back," Auruo grumbled.
"I don't know where it could possibly be," Levi smirked, meeting his death stare evenly.
"Free parking!" Mike said, and Hanji squeaked eagerly, scooping up the money and counting it in earnest. It was 12:08 AM, and Levi was getting bored already.
"I told you it makes a difference," Erwin mumbled through his hands. Levi just patted him on the cheek, flashing the now six thousand dollars he had in his socks.
On the other end of that line, Auruo was getting more and more infuriated. "I just don't get it!" he exclaimed in a grumpy tone as he rolled the dice. "Every time I trade anything for a five hundred, it just disappears!"
"Oh just cheer up you dolt," Petra said, smacking him lightly across the head. "Maybe you should just bite your tongue again."
His chest inflated to about twice its regular size. "I'll have you know that doesn't happen as often as you think." His voice lowered. "If you're going to tease me so much, then you're going to have to let me return the privilege sometime," he said, sticking out his tongue.
"You disgusting swine-herd!" she yelped, slapping him again, but this time for real.
"Can we move past your little flirting moment, you two?" Levi deadpanned. "Some of us do want to play, and not just with each other."
"I wouldn't mind getting to play with just you Levi," Erwin whispered into his ear.
"You disgusting swine-herd," he said, wrapping his arms around his neck and kissing him. "I hope you're taking notes Auruo, by the way." He looked back at them to see both of them slack-jawed with anger. "Now, I believe that would be our turn," he said, prying the dice from their hands to the muffled chortles of Günther and Erd, and the not so muffled howling laughter of Hanji.
"Take a walk on the Boardwalk." Eren was grinning eagerly at the card,
...until he saw Levi holding up the deed, a nasty smirk on his face while he tapped the hotel.
"Well shit."
"Pay up, brats." He held out his hand demandingly as they had to mortgage all of their deeds, but they were still one hundred and twenty dollars short of the four thousand they owed.
"Mother fucker, hold on," Eren grunted as he scrambled together all their things, looking for something to sell. "Hey, Günther, Erd, you guys want a mortgaged New York to complete your set for only two hundred?"
"Watch your language kid, otherwise we might have to tell your mom," Auruo teased, before a quick hard pinch on the arm from Petra had him yelping.
"Hm. Do we Erd?" Günther smiled. "If we let them go bankrupt, then the property is Levi's though, and it's one less opponent to deal with."
"Nah," Erd said. "Let them lose." He leaned backwards in his seat on the floor up against the wall.
"You guys are no fun." Mikasa growled, pulling Eren back and away from the board. "Guess we're doing a dare later."
"Guess you are," Levi smiled, swiping the three thousand up and adding it daintily to their pile.
"Go to jail, go straight to- fuck you," Auruo swore loudly, slamming the Chance card into the board and putting the aluminum car in the jail tile. A neat row of hotels ran up from the orange properties all the way to the yellow ones. Hanji and Mike bumped fists with Erd and Günther, and all of them grinned evilly over their property cards. Thankfully, Levi and Erwin were still around Pacific, they'd just gotten through the hellhole by chance.
"Guess that's our turn then." Erwin scooped up the dice and threw them across the board; a one and a two. They moved to Pensylvania,
Levi threw a fifty at Petra. "Keep the change, you're gonna need it."
Triumphantly, Günther picked up the dice and threw. The cannon was just rounding Go!, and he grabbed two hundreds out of the bank, only to throw them into the centre for income tax.
Hanji gulped shakily, handing one die to Mike; they blew on them before rolling. A six and a three, putting them right between two blue hotels. Whooping, they tackled each other, two bundles of nervous joy.
"Back to us then," Auruo said, glancing around uneasily.
"C'mon, you're gonna be joining us soon, right Auruo?" Eren joked from the side of the room.
"Shut it kid." He looked worriedly at Petra. "D'you wanna roll or should I do it?"
"Auruo Bossard, I don't care, just do it!" She sounded annoyed, but then her expression softened a little. "Sorry. It's fine, you do it," she smiled weakly. "I have faith in you."
Gritting his teeth, he churned the dice before tossing them. The first one landed solidly on a six, the second spun indecisively. Everyone in the room held their breath, and suddenly, with a soft thump, it landed on a-
"Six! Doubles!" Hanji exclaimed. "You're on Chance!"
Auruo picked up the card gingerly, and looked it over, an annoyed expression on his face. "Get out of jail free."
All of a sudden, Petra broke out into a wild laughter, clear like crystal. "A bit late isn't it?" She didn't notice the affectionate look he was giving her, but Levi did. Damn if she wasn't oblivious to how head-over-heels he was.
"Hey, wait, it's doubles so you roll again," Erd grinned, ripping the dice out of Erwin's hands to mild protesting. "C'mon, you've still got to land on our hotels."
Auruo looked at Petra, dice in hands. She nodded, saying "It worked the first time, didn't it? Go on." She nudged him enthusiastically, and he took a deep breath, then threw.
"Seven." Erd's grin seemed like it was proportionately too large for his face. "Thousand-two hundred. Fork it up."
Auruo scowled. "We've only got eight hundred, and everything is already mortgaged, so I think we're out."
"It's alright," Petra said, kissing him on the cheek. "You tried." He looked like all the air had been sucked out of his lungs as he held the spot where her lips had been. "C'mon, let's go sit with the other two." She pulled him up by the arm, Auruo still clutching his face.
Günther and Erd pocketed the eight hundred and all their deeds. "Just the three teams left then, soon to be two," Levi noted dully- after only a glance, he knew that Hanji and Mike would be out soon if they landed on anything. They only had a twenty left, and the whole board was practically hotels. "Let's get this over with." He picked up and rolled again, a four and a two. They landed on Go!, and Levi tossed the dice back to Günther.
"Have fun," he said, pocketing the two hundreds.
Günther rolled, Erd was lying in his lap, half-dead from exhaustion. It was almost 2:30 so it was understandable.
The dice clicked to a stop with double sixes.
"Yes!" Mike and Hanji screamed together. "Nine-fifty please." She held out her hand expectantly, and Günther just laughed, plopping the money directly in her hands.
"That's all you got?" he asked sarcastically.
"Roll again." Her glasses glinted evilly.
Double ones.
"Shit," he said. "Shouldn't have sold you those three," he laughed, but there was more of a hitch in his words this time. They only had a little more than a thousand left now, even if they mortgaged everything.
"Roll again." Mike and Hanji were bobbing excitedly. "Roll again."
"Ok, ok." Günther looked as though he might be sick. He threw the dice-
Double twos.
"Yeah!" Hanji squeaked, falling backwards. "One-thousand fifty please!" Grumbling, he flipped over all his properties and handed over everything except a ten, Hanji waved the three thousand he'd just lost in his face. "And go to jail because you rolled three doubles!" She picked up the cannon and plopped it down in the cell.
"Now it's our turn." Mike calmly rolled the dice, and they landed on, "Chance." He picked up the card, before groaning loudly.
"What is it?" Erwin asked, though Levi could already guess.
"Take a walk on the, Board-fuck-you-walk." Nobody moved until Levi just reached over and just slowly pulled all their possessions towards him.
"This'll do," he smirked.
Hanji looked like she was going to explode.
"Since we own literally everything and everything that they own is mortgaged," he said, gesturing to the other final team, "I'm just going to roll." It was a two and a three, but it didn't matter anymore. "Your turn."
The single ten fluttered weakly under the board where it was tucked. Günther rolled, and the room was motionless as everyone watched. "Double sixes," he murmured. "Chance." He picked up the card, slowly, then flipped the board over completely, hotels and houses flying across the floor. "Alright, it's pay fifty dollars to your opponents but we can't even afford that, so you win!" he huffed in defeat.
"That was fun," Erwin said cheerfully.
"The fun has yet to begin." Levi looked around the room sinisterly. "Can I do the dares Erwin?"
"Of course," Erwin said, kissing the top of his head. "I'm curious to see what you've come up with," he grinned.
"Petra!" Levi barked suddenly. "You have to kiss Auruo."
Both of them gagged, one in happy surprise, the other in mild disgust.
"What!?"
"You heard me. Do it." Levi sat back smoothly. "And make it passionate, I want a show."
She wrinkled her nose, then sighed. "Fine."
Auruo just looked downright confused.
"Lean forward a little, would you?" she said irritably. He squeaked and hurried to oblige. "Don't worry, it's just for the dare," she said, thinking it'd reassure him. Instead of answering, he just leaned forward quickly, plunging into it headfirst.
The kiss itself lasted maybe ten short seconds, but Levi was pretty sure he saw some tongue action going on there. Finally, they pulled apart, and she houghed a little.
"Happy?"
"Very," Auruo replied, not even caring the question wasn't addressed to him. "We should do it more often."
"Creep!" she said, looking away, but there was a hint of a blush that snuck on to her face.
Levi grinned even wider. "Oh, and Auruo?" he said cooly, pulling back his sock to reveal about eight five hundred dollar bills.
"You fucking cheater!" he yelled, eyes wide as he tackled him. Levi just shrugged him off.
"Now, Hanji and Mike..." he pondered. "Mike, you have to make it rain Monopoly money on Hanji in the most sexual way you possibly can. Hanji, you're not allowed to laugh, or giggle, or even smile."
Mike's mouth twitched at the corner before he stood up with a wad of money in his hand, shaking his butt in the air and throwing it all over Hanji.
"Interesting," Levi murmured. "I wasn't expecting him to actually do it." He bit his thumb to keep from going into hysterics himself.
That didn't last long though.
Everyone was rolling on the floor at this point, and if they weren't careful they might wake the neighbours with their roaring and cheering. Hanji was doing her best, but nobody could have kept a straight face in the same situation; she lost it completely as well after maybe twenty seconds of stifled giggles. Mike didn't care, he began to try and do some kind of dance; that ended up making him look like he just really had to pee.
By the end of the whole ordeal, nobody could so much as breathe. Erwin had to wipe the tears from his eyes before he spoke. "Alright, I think that's enough Levi. It's past 3."
"One more," he said, staring at the last two groups.
Eren shrank backwards as if he were trying to disappear into the wall.
Günther sighed.
Erd groaned.
Mikasa sat stone silent.
"Everyone who isn't doing the dare, out. I want this to be a surprise."
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Erd yelled up from the street below.
"Of course not! That's why you're doing it!" Levi shouted back from the balcony. "Hey, brat, could you crank the volume up to the max on this thing please? And get me some earmuffs?" he asked Erwin, patting him affectionately as he gestured to the stereo system.
"Sure thing." He kissed his head before turning it all the way up and disappearing inside. Levi scrolled through his IPod, before he selected the song he wanted and paused it before it had a chance to start properly. Erwin came out and handed him the earmuffs, which he popped on lightly. He saw the other four inside, before lifting up one ear covering and whispering "Why don't you go join them?"
"You sure?" Erwin asked. He looked more than a little concerned.
"I'm positive."
"Alright. Don't do anything rash now, ok Levi?"
"Isn't that my specialty?" Levi grinned. "You're gonna like this. Just stay inside and avoid showing your face."
Erwin furrowed his brow before disappearing again.
"Ready?!" he screamed. He didn't even hear them respond before he hit play.
It worked beautifully.
The stereo system he plugged together haphazardly on the balcony was easily heard loud and clear, even through the high quality earmuffs he had. The best past was, since it was so late, nothing was interfering with the music as it rang out across the whole building complex; already people were appearing on their balconies.
YOUNG MAN, THERE'S NO NEED TO BE DOWN,
I SAY YOUNG MAN, GET YOUR FEET OFF THE GROUND,
God, they're actually dancing too. I just wanted to see them get pelted with garbage, Levi thought. He was probably going to see both, judging by what had happened last time he'd done something like this.
I SAY YOUNG MAN, CAUSE YOU'RE IN A NEW TOWN,
People were already beginning to toss things, and Eren was hit in the shoulder by something slimy that had him running for the apartment doors screaming.
IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE Y, M, C-A,
Y, M, C-A,
Günther and Erd were down too now, hit by what looked like either old watermelon or rotted cardboard. It was hard to tell in the dim lighting, but it looked like some of it was stuck in Erd's ponytail to boot. Only Mikasa was left out there now, expertly dodging everything thrown at her, By the end of the second verse though, she took a bow and did one final YMCA before running for cover too.
"That was probably the best Monopoly game of my life," Levi said, kicking his feet up on the couch. "What about you guys?"
Nobody spoke.
"We should do it again sometime," he drawled, closing his eyes smugly, "I mean if you guys are always that bad at-"
He was interrupted by Günther and Erd pouring a bucket of ice water on his head.
Sputtering, he looked up at them. "What the hell?"
"Never. Again."
Levi just laughed. Oh just you wait. Next time will be even more fun.