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Mark and Renjun have been childhood friends for as long as they can remember. It was a weird sort of hazy memory where they could reach back as far back as they dared and they'd still see themselves sitting beside the other because it was hard to imagine or remember a time they hadn’t known each other. The two of them were always together sitting at the ends of their mind, looking over the edges of their entire world, holding hands, and looking overall they've ever known.
The two of them have simply always been together, they've always been there for each other. From the times when Renjun and him had first entered kindergarten together. Sticky hands and ruffled up unkempt hair that Mark’s mom would always get cut far too short leaving Renjun to press his palm into it and giggle calling him a porcupine, laughing before getting chased around by the other running with high pitched screams as Renjun eventually took cover behind him mothers skirt; clinging to the material as Mark poked through either ends trying to get him to run away before Mark’s mother moved up behind him crouching behind him and pulling him close to her.
“Play safe, play safe, let your friend go alright?” She whispered softly and Mark would pout and agree because he’d always be his mama's best son.
There’s a certain sense of security that comes with it too, always being with each other. The other always felt more secure than anyone else and Mark still remembers the one time his mom had hastily called him downstairs and put a phone to his ear whispering the words,
“Renjun misses you, he’s crying.” And Mark remembers a weird confusion that came over him at the last hushed bit a small part of him thinking; ‘Why is he crying?’ As if he could not process the connection as he fumbled to put the phone to his ear hearing the sounds of hushed reassurances from Renjun's mother and the choked sobs and blubbers from someone he knew all too well. And holding it up and hesitating a moment he spoke out a soft,
“Renjun?” and he heard the other’s mother talk to Renjun hushed and comforting.
“See he’s on the phone, Mark’s here, you can talk to him.”
And hearing the other sniffle Mark waited in silence before the other spoke into the phone in a soft watery voice that flitted through the air as something soft and fragile as the other sniffed.
“You weren’t here” Renjun sniffed, “Ma told me we were only going for a day then we’d be back” and Mark heard a hushed voice yet again.
“I didn't tell you that” and Renjun protested calling her a liar as she hushed him telling him to go talk to him again. And he did, the two of them talked till late at night.
Renjun told him about how he liked the hotel but the carpets looked suspicious, and he was afraid that there were bed bugs in the sheets like his mother told him there were in the house they lived in before he was born. Renjun and him talked for hours until it was time for the both of them to sleep and Mark heard the soft whisper of Renjun’s mother telling him that they were going to an amusement park tomorrow.
When the call ended Mark had flopped down onto his mom's shoulder feeling a bit empty on the inside because he wouldn’t get to see Renjun out at the park the next morning.
They had been in 4th grade then, a sort of odd place in their lives where they felt old enough to do just about anything yet lacked the capacity to do anything. 10 years old is a big number and it felt like they were so old and they were all grown up. They weren’t, but at the time it was okay if they didn’t know that.
in 7th grade, they had shared their first kiss.
It wasn’t something monumental and it wasn’t something too important, yet at the time it felt as if their whole world revolved around it. It’s a unique thing when something so small and so unimportant can feel like the end of the world because all Renjun could ever think of was how Mark had seen him crying and kissed his cheek. It wasn’t even on the lips! Yet still it was important to him and just as important to Mark.
And it had been hard after that. They couldn’t look each other in the eye and Renjun constantly felt like the weight of the universe was on his chest, seizing him up, consuming him. But in the end, it had resolved, it had sewed itself together, looped itself over the edges in and out. It had woven them together yet again just like they were always meant to be. And they ignored it and as the years passed they believed that maybe the other had forgotten too and they didn't care enough to remember or discuss it.
Sophomore year Mark came out and Renjun did too.
They stumbled after one another, down the rabbit hole as the words just found their way out, rolling off their tongues and filling the air in its warm frigid scent. It was odd when Mark had burst into tears in Renjun’s arms crying and crying, he wouldn't stop. Hiccuping about how his parents would hate him and his friends would leave him, how Renjun would leave him.
And Renjun could not figure out why, he couldn't understand what Mark had done, why he was crying, what he had done so that Renjun of all people would hate him. And then the words came falling out through tears and salt stained lips, how Mark liked boys.
He liked girls too and he rushed to explain it as if either way or another would be worse or better Renjun couldn't tell what the other was thinking. So Renjun said nothing, he waited for Mark to calm down, still leaning sideways into his chest before he raised his hand up and ran it through his hair like he did when they were kids.
And in a small retaliation to whatever force of nature and gravity, whatever the workings of the other's head was telling him, and whatever that wound up roll of ribbon was spilling he let out something simple.
“Me too,”
And the world crashed down.
It wasn't detrimental the world didn't end, rather it was like the last wave of a tsunami sucking them in, back into the sea. Renjun still remembers how Mark had stared at him then, wide eyes and utterly bewildered before sitting back even though Renjun wished he’d press closer.
“You too? You also like guys, were both...gay?” and Renjun laughed a bit at that he knew where Mark was coming from, he knew how new it was so he didn't say anything and just nodded before humming a bit and holding his hands.
“Yeah me too, I'm not going to hate you.”
And that had been a relief on Mark’s part; it had wrapped him up in a security he hadn’t felt in years; something special and important, something secure. Almost as if he had reached solid ground now that he knew he didn't have to hide anything, that Renjun loved all of him.
And Renjun was relieved too that in a school were more or less there wasn’t much talk of being gay unless it was fruitless jokes thrown around by straight boys who thought it was funny, he had Mark, Mark his best friend who understood him and wouldn’t leave him.
Senior year they started dating. It was when stress levels were high and college apps had to be up and portfolios had to be finished. They signed up for the same school, but when the two of them got opportunities at better schools further away from each other of course they picked that instead. It was common sense that their parents advised them, Renjun's mom always telling him not to always follow Mark through everything Mark's mother said the same. One common example always being used of
“If Mark jumped off a cliff would you too?” Renjun supposed that it was a bit ridiculous and put a funny image in mind but it didn’t work out too well anyway, because he knew he would.
They started dating through the adrenaline and the odd rush of holding hands and gathering into Mark's bedroom floor when their letters. Mark held his hand until his knuckles turned white before they slowly tore open the letters for the school they wanted to go to together. And Mark had opened his eyes almost comically when he saw the congratulations at the top while Renjun shouted, shouted, and found himself crashing against the other chest, arms around his neck, letter still in hand as they came crashing down.
Mark remembers staring up at the other with the widest smile on his face as the other laughed in celebration, both of their smiles not fading even as it fell silent around them and the air felt lighter. And they might as well have seen it coming, the two of them, it was only a case of stalling time and waiting.
And Mark had thought then that he had waited enough and in retaliation had reached out and tangled his hands in the other’s hair right at the nape of his neck, and the other must've understood what he was trying to do too. Holding himself up with one hand Renjun grasped his other hand out to stroke Mark’s cheek pushing a lock of hair behind his ear as he did, carelessly stroking his cheek with the knuckles as the two of them breathed in deeply. The air was laced in something foreign but so familiar, it felt thick in the air and soapy, but like threads of honey at the same time. Stringing together, tangling up, and trapping them in its pale strings reflecting the light of what’s to come on to the two of them.
And you could see it as when you stared through the icy droplets hanging off it, the blurry wonder filled sight of two best friends in love is overwhelming. And as they kiss and Mark moves his hands down from Renjuns nape one to grip his collar and the other to pull him closer. And once it ended Renjun rolls over out of breath and eyes glazed in an odd sort of wonder as he stared at the green stars on Mark’s ceilings half peeled off and half stuck there forever they've been familiar Renjun could count them with his eyes closed just like he could scars and bumps of Mark’s skin.
“Mark,” Renjun let out slowly like a wish, like a prayer, like something he was hoping to come true as he whispered out into the abyss. “I like you a lot, so much, I've loved you since 7th grade.” and it washed over the two of them like a wave; a soft gentle one, something as much as they pushed to the back of their minds they knew was coming.
And the wave would break and pull away the sandcastle they spent years building, wear at its edges and pull at its core. They knew it was coming, they just avoided it in favor of building it bigger, but it was coming and they couldn’t avoid that.
But it was fine, even as the sea pulled it back to where it came from they still had the wet sand and they could still build it again. They could always build it again and again like tireless children on a summer afternoon, they’d always be able to rebuild it so long as they don't stray from shore.
“I know, and I do too.”
And slowly they calmed down with smiles on their faces as they tore open the rest of their letters and peered at the contents until Renjun suddenly let out a strangled gasp as Mark snapped up to look at him moving towards him.
“What happened?”
“I got in.”
“Too where?” And Mark didn’t get it then, he didn't get why the other was so shocked.
“I got into the national school of fine arts,” and suddenly Mark understood.
Renjun would choose to go there, and he should he’d be stupid not to, they weren’t going to school together. Actually not just not together, Renjun would be halfway across the world from him, an ocean away.
And that had been hard, just as they were together they were a world apart, turns out even they couldn't always be together.
But they made it work, they always did.
Even if they were too far away and couldn't touch or feel each other's lips they made it work. Facetiming twice a week, watching movies together on weekends, good morning and good night texts. They did everything they could to make it work, to make it stay just as it always was.
It didn't, of course, but it was close enough.
“Mark,” Renjun’s voice broke out unsteadily through the static of Mark's old rundown computer. “You're graduating soon right?” and his voice prodded and warbled at the edge of reality, Mark’s reality. It invaded a corner of his mind, pulling up the covers, Renjun making himself a home in them; wrapping himself in the silk, and immersing himself in an English lit textbook shoved under them. Making himself home and leaving Mark breathless. A soft your home, your home, your home leaving his brain and into Renjun’s ears as the other smiled at him. “Do you want to come visit?”
Mark didn’t want to visit, he wanted to hold the other again, go live in, and have the other drag him by the strings to all the places he wouldn't stop talking about much to Mark’s delight. Mark wanted to kiss the other at the Eiffel tower flowers blooming in their chests and speak in the broken french he learned from the one course he took for it in college and just barely passed.
“Yes,” he said breathlessly, overwhelmed by thoughts, feelings, emotions, everything Renjun made him feel. Sometimes Mark fears, not anything rational, a paranoid fear that the other was a siren wading him into deep waters, that he had planned this since a child. Of course, that was ridiculous but he had these thoughts because he knew he would fly not only to France but to the ends of the universe for the other. He knew that he was weak at the mind and weak in the heart for the other.
He has loved the other for as long as he can remember, not always like this, but he has always loved the other. Renjun made him weak and he hoped, no that was thoughtless, he knew. He knew that Renjun was too.
They were 22 then, that’s big for them. 12 seemed so childish now, middle school with its embarrassments and high school with its revelations they had found themselves here now.
And now rolling a suitcase down the airport floors people speaking mindlessly around him, an odd chitter chatter of blanks and gaps as he wracking his head and rattled its contents to understand, excitedly blowing a bubble, puffing up internally, and glowing pink from bubble gum when he made out the simple ‘i missed you’ and ‘welcome back’s.’
Making his way through the crowd of people he didn’t know and wouldn’t care enough to remember he moved until he caught a head of blond-black hair, he had heard that Renjun dyed his hair two toned but it was a surprise. As a stranger's shoulder moved out of the way and Renjun's face came into view, it was clear and a stark contrast against the hazed and bleary colors of the airport. And when their eyes met Mark felt his heart jump as the other eyes widened pushing through the crowd, eyes swimming and pooling with water as he broke out of the crowd and into his arms.
Pulling him close and burying his face into his collarbone Mark felt the other breathe into his neck in a soft and steady one, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. It was gentle and they remained like that for a bit, reveling in the other's embrace feeling the warmth of one another. Mark wrapped one of his hands on the other's waist and used the other to cross over and bury itself in his hair as he rested his head on the other.
He was home.
And it was an oasis from then on, they visited every corner of France and took a road trip down to Belgium. Renjun held his arms and kissed his cheek at the eiffel tower snapping a photo with his outreached hand highlighting the starry look of Mark’s eyes from staring out at Paris and the shock that began to creep in to his expression all perfectly caught and illustrated. Renjun laughed at it too often, pointing at it off-handedly on their fridge from time to time.
“Remember that you looked so funny,” and then he’d crumple over laughing, almost to the point where Mark glared and despised the dreaded picture of him with pink cheeks and wide eyes. Yet he loved it, all the same, it was like some nagging, teasing reminder that he was utterly in love with his lover; staring at him every morning when he went to make his coffee.
And Renjun was overjoyed, he showed Mark all around Paris, took him to his favorite bakeries all across the city, and showed him his college where he was currently pursuing his master's degree in painting.
Paris was the city of love, it wasn’t the only place to find it but it’s where Mark found his.
And sitting in the living room patiently seated on a pale green couch, roses adorning the vase on the tea table he waited till Renjun finally came out of his studio rolling out a painting on a ridiculously huge canvas that must be least Renjun’s height or taller and setting it against the doorway Renjun smiled at him.
“I wanted to show you this…” And Mark waited patiently smiling back at the other as the other gently pulled off the white cloth lying on top of it, it unfurling like silk flowing off and landing at Renjun's feet rendering Mark speechless in the process.
“I painted this when you were away.'' Renjun supplied softly as Mark stood up, almost dazed, wisped, and lost like a lone petal in a stream.
“This is me?”
“Yeah,” Renjun whispered softly, hesitating before receiving a nod from Renjun. Mark ran his hands along the curves and crevices of the paint. Mark stared at how the others painted him in wonder, the room feeling oddly warm and the breeze from the balcony feeling stronger than ever.
Mark in the painting looked positively ethereal. His cheekbones are drawn with streaks of purple and eyelids layered on with streaks and scratches of pink. He looked unbelievably bright and colorful almost as if all these streaks and colors were revolving around him like a galaxy to its sun. He was surrounded and covered in them, not a spot of his skin not littered with chicken scratches of color and he thinks he looks younger in it. There were still signs and spots of his acne stained cheeks from his early teens but his jawline was just defined as it was now and his eyes were wider and rounder, brighter, just like they were when he was younger.
“This is me.” He repeated again, almost disbelieving and Renjun just nodded. Walking closer to him and holding his hand, stepping before his own painting the two of them standing before a paint splattered canvas, threads of love and longing sewn into its crevices.
“It’s you, and all the ways I've ever known you.”
And thinking of the other spending his days cooped up in his tiny studio, a paintbrush holding up his hair that had now grown long into a bun, and painting him. Pulling thoughts and memories of him, from their childhood and their early teens to the facetime's they'd have over the weekends.
Mark suddenly had a very huge lump in his throat, a sort of weight that felt like it was about to burst and he couldn't get it out.
And Mark didn’t say a word, instead, he pulled the other into his arms, pulled the other under his chin, and wept.
He had missed the other a lot, not only as a lover but everything else Renjun had managed to mean to him.
Somehow Renjun understood, stroking his back, talking to him softly, and calling him baby and darling, angel, and love . And Mark finally pressed his lips together, took a huge breath of air, and pulled the other away from him by the shoulders.
“I love you, more than anything else.” and Renjun smiled,
“Me too.”
And the rest of their days were spent dancing in the rain and rushing through the streets of Paris, huddling together under one umbrella, making cookies together on Christmas eve. Mark stupidly putting a dab of frosting on the other’s nose forgetting for a second how competitive Renjun truly was.
One evening squished together on the couch, Mark burying himself in the other's chest and Renjun’s hands wrapped around his waist, and just as the haze began to set in the world turning bleary and the sounds of Renjun’s voice warbling in the air, melting and drying out in a soft angelic stain, the other stopped.
Renjun paused for a second stopping his humming to an old pop song they had heard on tv streaming out in a soft melody Mark couldn’t understand all the lyrics but caught on slowly as they danced in the kitchen to it.
“I'm having an exhibition.” And Mark jolted up
“What? Oh my god Renjun, that's great!” and sweeping down to kiss the other's jaw and under both his eyes he smiled “you should've told me sooner and I would have made something we need to go celebrate!”
And Renjun smiled with a happy sigh leaving his lips“My friend arranged it for me, actually you've met her before, Chenle?” And Mark had, the other was charming and excitable. It was a shock to Mark When he found out she was the art director of one of the popular museums nearby. “She introduced me to the owner of an art gallery that's going on next week and they loved my work so now I’m doing it.”
“Why's that a problem though?” Mark said sensing there was a problem, now laid completely on the other, chin laying on his chest and hair tickling Renjun's jaw.
“It’s in Italy..and I was wondering if you’d come with me?” And MMark started laughing Renjun’s eyes turned wide in panic before Mark smiled at him reassuringly out of the corner of his eye.
“Of course I will! Besides, there isn't much I could do here anyway. I've been apart from you long enough. I'm not going to just not go with you to another country only 13 hours away.”
And Renjun laughed at that before placing a well aimed kiss on the crown of the others head, pushing back his hair and running his hands through it before tossing his head back and smiling turning to the tv as the boring news channel changed to an advertisement sporting typical advertisement music Mark lying on his cheek and watching too as the breeze cut through the balcony, lace sheets fluttering in the wind.