Work Text:
Nate once read somewhere that closing your eyes, quieting the mind and letting yourself feel something could make special memories come back.
At this point his memory was as spotty as … he didn’t even know. Not that it mattered. But he knew that he needed to remember and he was out of options at this point. Neither good sleep nor eating greens or going through pictures had helped him so far, so why not try to meditate?
He picked up a pen and sat down in a comfortable position.
Closing his eyes without getting sleepy was difficult but instead of letting his mind wander close to the edge of sleep, he tried to focus on Steve.
What did he know about him? He had a distorted picture and a slightly corrupted recording but no answers. He looked so comfortable in the picture. And the recording sounded like they’re close. They must have been friends at least. Maybe good friends … Perhaps even more? He didn’t want to linger on that thought. He was still not over Jess, wasn’t he?
He felt himself slipping, but couldn't bring himself to stop thinking about her. Suddenly there was the phantom pain of her hand in his, her lips on his neck and her weight on his lap. His heartbeat quickened.
But it was not just her, was it? Another memory was tugging at his mind. The thought of Steve's hand on his hip didn’t take away from the memory of Jess’ fingers in his hair.
There was a flood of small memories, then. It wasn’t quite pictures, faces or definite places but he felt… cared for. Whatever they had had, Steve loved him deeply and Nate returned the feeling with every fiber of his being, even now.
His hands began to write down a sentence: “I wonder if I will ever know you again.”
As a kid he used to love fairy tales. Not just the Disney versions either, he’d also read the terrifying old versions of the stories.
A recurring theme he remembered until now was that a wizard would turn the princess into an animal so the hero needed to try to recognise her among other animals as a test of true love.
He doubted that he’d recognise Jess or Steve these days, even without an evil wizard turning them into swans or dogs or whatever. It made his heart hurt, a deep and painful ache. How could he really love them, then?
He desperately wanted to remember the small things about them: did they smile more on one side? Did they have freckles, laughter lines or specks in their eyes? What did they call him and how did their voice sound when they talked to him?
But even in this most desperate moment he could not remember.
He let out his breath. Maybe this was enough for now, then. To be certain that they existed and that both of them loved him. That he loved them in turn. To carry their names on his lips. And despite everything, he was sure that this feeling ran too deep for something to make him forget again.