Work Text:
"Sorry I'll pay more attention"
"I'll do better next time"
"Im sorry, I'll try harder"
"I promise I'm trying, im sorry"
"Sorry Im out of it today"
"Please let me try again I promise I can do better"
"Sorry ive been off for so long"
"Im sorry, I'll be okay"
"Sorry, I can do it it's okay"
"Im sorry"
"Sorry"
"God I'm so sorry"
The words echoed in Dazai's mind, repetitive apologies and hollow promises of change that no one could possibly believe anymore. Oh how he wished he could ever follow through on his words. He'd been saying these things as long as he could remember, always smarter than he showed. Stumbling over the debris filled wasteland that was his mind too much to catch his breath and actually show the potential everyone said he had. He had it, right? He had to, what else was he here for?
He didnt understand why people stuck around anymore to hear his excuses. Everything was a blur and sometimes he could even hear the tinge of fear showing through when he promised to try harder. When he was younger he only got frustration and sometimes anger in response but as he grew up the expressions turned to pity and other things he wasn't present enough to read. It seemed that slowly people started to realize that he really was hopeless. Why didn't they abandon him?
Why was there never any bite in Kunikidas words when he scolded him for never doing paperwork?
Why did Yosano only sigh softly when she handed him water that he took with a trembling hand, whispering soft reassurances instead of telling him he needed to take care of himself more?
Why did Fukuzawa summon him to his office only to tell him to rest and not be afraid of ask for help instead of reprimanding him like every other boss would?
"I can do better I swear I'm just-"
"I know, Dazai, I know, but you don't have to, listen to Yosano and take a break okay?"
Lies
Why did he agree with something Dazai never gave him reason to believe? It was all to make him feel better wasn't it? Comforting him like a child too delicate for his self confidence to be crushed. Although, when he really was a child no one was so gentle. All frustrations, raised voices, and bitter comments. Tears audible in his voice as he desperately affirmed that all he had to do was try harder and it would all be okay.
Was this a low spot or his new normal? Had it been a day or a month? He knew that he was usually better than this at the agency, why wasn't he anymore? How long would everyone put up with his laziness as the days blurred by?
He got told to take a break but no one let him go home, probably smart seeing as he wouldn't care to try to take care of himself, and everyone knew he wouldn't ask for help. Yosano and Kunikida kept an eye on him, everyone did, he thought, but those two were the only ones who would say it out loud. Pathetic really, what an example he was setting for the kids here. He cringed just thinking about it.
No one could actually see what a wreck his mind was but sometimes it felt like it. It felt like Kenji and kyouka and Atsushi could see the tears he refused to show, hear his tangled and torn up thoughts, feel the way he gently trembled though it often wasn't enough to see. In reality as soon as he knew he didn't look as put together as he possibly could, merely sad or zoned out, he hid himself away.
Yosano would keep him in her office, although part of him just wanted to go home. The rest of him couldn't bare to be that far from people, that alone with his thoughts, memories flashing through his mind so vivid he could almost feel what it was like to be there. His chest felt so tight he couldn't breathe, the door was always cool against his back-
His attention was cut off from his memories when he focused on something being said here and now, in the other room. Kenji was concerned about him, the kid clearly didn't know much, only saying that he didn't seem well and asking Kunikida if he could help. Hearing that made Dazai's heart ache, the last thing he wanted was to burden others , they shouldn't have to worry about him, they'd already done more than enough.
Kunikida didn't say much about what was going on with Dazai, he told Kenji that he was very tired and mostly just needed rest. He'd be okay, it might take a little bit but he'd recover. Dazai wondered if that was a lie or not, it certainly felt like one from his perspective.
They and the rest of his coworkers were leaving for the day, Dazai hadn't noticed how much time had passed, not that he ever did anymore.
Well everyone except Yosano, who was still in her office with him.
"Kunikidas right you know, it wont be like this forever, you're going to be alright"
Her voice was so calm and reassuring, Dazai wanted to believe everything she said, truly he did, but
"it doesn't feel like it"
"I know, it never does, but I promise you, it wont stay like this forever"
Dazai was trying to keep himself together, torn between believing her and knowing that hope had only ever led to disappointment for him. Stuck between falling apart completely and desperately clawing all his broken pieces back into a corner to hide from the world, like a prey animal terrified of showing any sort of pain or weakness.
He noticed her expression soften even more, holding out her hands as an invitation to fall into her arms when his lip started trembling despite his best efforts to keep a straight face. For once, he let himself accept comfort before the small part of his brain that demanded he be cared for sometimes took over and he had no conscious choice in the matter.
Her embrace was soft, delicately holding him as his shoulders shook silently. He could have sat up easily if he wanted to escape her hands softly rubbing his back but right now all he wanted to do was melt into it.
Tears streamed down his face and aside from gentle gasps he didn't make a sound. He could be so outspoken but when it really mattered to him, when he was truly in pain he couldn't handle anymore, he was so quiet, always so quiet. As much as he needed help, every instinct ingrained in him wanted no one to ever know.
"Shh, you don't always have to be so strong Dazai, it's okay to need help"
Was she right? Maybe, but he wasn't sure if he could ever allow himself the luxury of not feeling so heavy if he needed help, and if he was so heavy on himself he could only imagine the weight it put on others.