Chapter Text
Undoubtedly, love is power.
There is something about that emotion, that soup of chemicals and hormones being mixed up in one's brain, that hands over power unlike any other to the person that feels it. The power to move forward, to exceed all expectations set upon you and by you in a way one would never deem possible. To work harder and harder to work things out. The sense of ‘philia’ will make one fight for their friends and friendships, to try and make the relationship work to the point of affecting one’s sense of self-worth, putting a friend above all regardless of the negative impact they have. ‘Storge’ will have one endure the toxicity and abuse family can cause since ‘they are your family, you should love them unconditionally’ even though the sentiment people want you to have towards your family isn’t always returned. Truly ironic and hypocritical. To fall into ‘mania’, into an imbalance of affection, is to doom oneself to suffer in the face of love.
Love makes one go through so much hardship when it is born in only one person and not the other. To love alone and deeply, is such a damaging thing. But love gives power like no other. One that makes going through all of this seem as if it’s worth it. That suffering for the happiness of others is a dignified state of being. But it isn’t. To love another to the point of being a pushover, to deny oneself of self-love , is to be neglected by one more person. The one that matters most. Oneself.
But if this power could be harnessed for good, if it can be applied as it should - as it is done by many - it will be nothing more than the power to achieve happiness all around. To love those that love you back. A reciprocal relationship is the origin of such a power that allows for a person to do the impossible. Unlike when only one loves, the power depletes and doesn't recharge. But to have someone else love you , the power becomes unlimited. You can do everything possible to help the one you love.
And that's how Namjoon came to make his decision. To love so strongly to risk death even without the guarantee that things would go alright. Knowing that there are no promises that can’t be broken and no take backs that can take place, so much doubt but also so. much. love. To Namjoon, that boy is worth it. He’s worth the heartbreak, worth the life that he might lose in his pursuit of giving him happiness. To give him love.
And Namjoon now finds himself nowhere.
He can't see a thing. All he can actually see, no matter how hard he tries to open his eyes to make sure they truly are open, is darkness. All around him. Encompassing his whole being.
Namjoon looks up. Up? Is this side "up"? Or is it some other direction? It's difficult to figure out. His senses are either dull or seemingly missing. He can't see, he lost a sense of direction, of gravity . He wonders if this is what being in space would be like. No weight to his body, no effect on gravity on his weight. And darkness.
He always noted how the sea and the sky share some similarities. As you go higher and higher, up above, the colours start to become darker. That color that is appropriately recognised by many as sky blue, starts to turn darker and darker, as the light of the sun and other stars around the planet, as the light that would usually bounce off innumerable surfaces starts to dissipate, nowhere to reflect from. Only moving forwards, to slowly become weaker and weaker until it ultimately fades into nothingness, to be replaced by other beams of light, of other sources, on the journey of the observer. A body of water, when deep, can be the same. The light refracts when it hits the water's surface and brings visibility below. Makes looking and seeing possible. But light fades all the same, whether our voyage is up, or down. The darkness encroaches on you as you go deeper and deeper. Unlike in space, however, no more light sources exist beyond the sun. At least natural ones. So once the light fades, there is no other beam to replace it. And you yourself become dark. Unseen. To yourself, and to every other existence.
It's cold. So cold. There isn't even any more body heat to exude in an attempt to remain alive. Space is cold too, Namjoon knows, but he wonders if it's a cold as biting to the skin as this one. Probably not. The cold in space, that lack of heat, is so exaggerated that his body, his brain, most likely would have not even the slightest opportunity to acknowledge said cold before he'd shut down and perish. The sea isn't as forgiving. It bites into his skin with such harshness, such sharpness , that he even wondered if maybe he was being attacked by a plethora of aquatic creatures, wanting to take a share of the bountiful feast they were presented with when his body crashed onto the unforgiving surface of the sea. From a tall height no less. The surface was no longer malleable, it became hard and physically damaging to his body, he believes he lost consciousness for a moment. He was hit and engulfed, taken by the entity that is the sea, so alive even if possessing no heartbeat.
It's dark. It's cold. And he can't breathe. And his body sinks deeper and deeper, even though no weight is felt by Namjoon. But that might just be a consequence of having death most likely knocking at his door. No feeling. No feeling except that of pressure. So much pressure. His body can't take it. His lungs are compressing, his organs compacted. A body maladapted to the elevated pressures of the deep sea. So much unlike space, that would pull, rather than push, at his body, wanting everything out and about in its vacuum.
Namjoon wondered if he would die before it all took effect. If the cold would stop his body from working, if his lungs would collapse on themselves from the pressure, heck, if he'd simply run out of air to hold in. Namjoon had faith. He needed it after all.
Without faith, this would have been for naught. But it isn't. Not for him. Never for him.
And his body went completely numb, blood no longer flowing in his veins, heart no longer beating, the last bubbles of air coming from inside his body, out through his pale, blue lips.
And with a start, everything was visible. A heart beat, a blood flow, a pair of lungs filling up once again. Body still cold, mimicking the environmental temperature but not making him suffer anymore. The darkness no longer encroached on his presence but embraced him. Almost as if…
He was right where he belonged...
In the search of the heart that would be his
home
.