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“Sit down.” James, clearly not in control of his own strength, pulled Regulus’ wrist until he nearly crashed right into James.
“Salazar Potter, I can sit down by myself, I don’t need your help.” Regulus sat down next to James, still trying to keep that space he thought so precious not two hours ago. That distance has slowly closed up to a commodious two inches.
“You’re always so mean to me.” James pulled a ridiculous pout that was clearly produced by alcohol.
James’ face always had a playfulness to it. Trust him, Regulus has stared at James’ face too many times not to know the ins and outs of the boy's visage. He just never seemed to truly be unhappy. All emotions were fun to him.
“Maybe I would stop being mean to you if you weren’t such an idiot, Potter.”
“There’s that word again.” James’ frown deepened.
“What word?” Regulus was trying to hold back his smile.
“Potter.”
“Well, that happens to be your name.”
“Regulus, we’re friends.” James looked over at him as if Regulus was stupid as he spoke. “That means we call each other by our first names.”
Regulus gasped rather dramatically. He shot up from his seat on the bed and knelt in front of James, grasping both of his hands. “Oh my goodness, how did I not know this crucial piece of information? I’m so sorry, my dearest confidante! I should have been addressing you as James this entire time! Will you spare me your forgiveness even though I am hardly deserving of it?”
James just looked down at Regulus. He was no longer frowning, he looked calm. He took one of his hands out of Regulus’ and put a strand of hair that had fallen out of place behind his ear.
Regulus stopped smiling, confused at the strange sign of affection. It was too close to his imagination. Maybe he was drunker than he thought. He stood back up and returned to his seat, hoping the room was dark enough to cover his heated face.
James moved closer to him. Their thighs were touching.
“I need to talk to you.” He looked as serious as a drunk person could look.
“Ok then.”
“I know I have feelings for Lily,” Regulus folded over and groaned. He was not going to be dragged from the first party he’s actually having fun at, the first time he and his brother just get to have fun together, just to talk with the boy he’s in love with about how much he loves someone else. James can go find another person for that.
“Not another Lily speech, please.”
James snickered at that. “Just- just listen to me. It’s important.”
Regulus sat back up and looked at James. He took a deep breath, readying himself for James’ amorous monologue that he will end up crying about later.
“Go ahead.”
“I know I have feelings for Lily, but I- um- I do notice other people. Like, other people, romantically.”
Regulus just looks at James, ready for him to continue, but James seems to be waiting for Regulus to say something.
“People?”
“People.”
“Can you do that?” Regulus didn’t care if James was gay -as he was a queer himself- but he didn’t know you could like both. Women and men. That’s how he convinced himself he would never have a chance. Lily was beautiful.
She had lovely curves and long auburn hair that had a slight curl at the end. She had eyes greener than summer leaves and lips with the most perfect cupid's bow. James had often said that while muggle religion wasn’t his thing, looking at her was a religious experience all on its own.
And that was just describing her looks. Regulus was fully convinced James saw her as Athena herself. She was a force that commanded your respect. She was smart, sophisticated, well-rounded, and didn't take anyone’s shit.
And even in another world where Lily didn’t exist or James didn’t feel any of what he did now, that wouldn’t change the fact that Regulus was still Regulus. No matter how feminine his features were, he still had a certain appendage that James couldn’t really work with.
James laughed a little. “I don’t know, but I know I do.”
“Okay then. You feel that way... why are you telling me this?”
“Because,” James looked up, searching for the answer. “I thought you should know.”
No. Regulus can’t let his mind wander. Can’t assume that James means what he thinks he does. He can’t do that to himself.
“Well, that’s a very nebulous answer.”
“Well, I’m trying to convey nebulous thoughts. And yes, I do know what nebulous means.”
“Who knew you got smarter the more you drink.” Regulus laughed.
James could always predict what Regulus was about to quip back with. It was a quiet laugh, not breaking the tense, almost silence that seemed to have fallen the moment James closed the dorm off to the rest of the party. They could still hear the raucous music, but it was dim and vague. Regulus thought they must use light silencing charms on their dorm.
“So, is that what you wanted to tell me? You know you are attracted to both genders?”
“Well, yes and no. There’s more.” James moved slightly closer so that their entire sides were touching. Regulus liked feeling the warmth of the touch. Knowing another person is there but not so close he feels like he’s being closed in on.
“I think- I just…I think that, uhm-” James' breathing sped up. He looked like he was trying to push something out but wasn’t sure if he could. Regulus could sympathize. That feeling of knowing exactly how to say something but not knowing how to take it out of your head and tell it to someone else. Like the thought will only become true when you say it out loud and you don’t know if you want that confirmation.
Regulus took James’ hand. “It’s okay. Just say it when you’re ready.”
James looked down at their intertwined hands. He centered himself for a few moments and finally spoke. “I know you have feelings for me, and I think I might have feelings for you too.”
Regulus suspected something like this would happen. Not the James having feelings for him part, but he always wondered who would find out. Who could see where his eyes always wandered to. Who could tell Regulus listened to one person more intently than the rest.
But what the hell is Regulus supposed to say to that? Thank Merlin I have a chance! Do you want to fuck me now?
No. He just sits there; not sure what to do.
“Please say something.”
Shit. Does he have to speak now? Couldn’t he just sit in the corner and shove all his emotions down like he normally does? It would definitely make this a lot easier if he could. But hell, when has his life ever been easy?
“Well, I’m not sure what to say to that. Am I… do- do you- fuck,” Why is this so hard? It was like his brain kept telling him this was wrong. That he misheard. In fact, was he even here right now? Was he talking to James?
He’s spent so much time telling himself to never go overthinking. To not think anything more of the friendly touches or the hugs that lingered just slightly or the pulling him into his room to have this talk right now. He shouldn’t have any false hopes; no matter how often they occupy his mind.
Regulus sighed. “I’m not one to lie-”
“You always lie.”
“No, I keep secrets, there’s a difference.”
“One isn’t better than the other.”
“I never said that, it- never mind, I’ll admit it, I have feelings for you. I just don’t know what you mean by ‘you think you have feelings’?”
“I don’t know. I think about you a lot. I like you a lot, as a person in general. Out of all of my friends, you are definitely the prettiest. Like, really pretty. Sirius can say what he wants about how you’re the less attractive brother-”
“Sirius said what?”
“-but in my book, you’re a solid ten. I mean, you’re ass is-” James put his hands out as if he were cupping something.
“Okay, James!” Regulus promptly cut him off. He wasn’t about to let him continue that train of thought -no matter how desperate he was to do so.
“Okay, okay. But, it’s not just your looks. You’re so smart, and- and even though you insult me you always know when to be kind to me, and I love spending time with you because sometimes your presence just makes my day.”
Regulus was dangerously close to just snogging the Gryffindor’s face off.
“I think what I’m trying to say is… can I kiss you?”
Could this dickhead read his mind or something?
“Uhm, sure, I guess.”
“No, I need you to say yes or no. I need you to be sure of this.”
This was a bad idea. A very bad one. James has been fawning over Lily for years now. But he just said he likes you. The two of them only started talking to each other a few months ago, being on good terms with each other even less than that. But you’ve loved him for years before that. James is drunk. You’re drunk too. James didn’t say anything to indicate his feelings go beyond friendship. That’s debatable. James will regret this. Regulus will regret it too.
Regulus has built so many walls. They were his friends, his comfort, his protection. Those walls kept him safe, kept him company. People say one of Slytherin’s strengths is their sense of self-preservation. But they’re wrong; it’s loyalty. Unwavering loyalty to those walls, no matter how much they hurt themselves in the process. No matter how much they have to sacrifice to keep their walls standing.
Barty has helped him take down some of those walls. Sirius too, they’re still working on it. But James’ walls -as they’ve been so fondly dubbed- are still intact. He’s made sure that they don’t come down. He doesn’t want to let James get close enough to see beyond them. To see just how much Regulus feels for him. Letting James see and regretting it is a wound he doesn’t think he would be able to survive from.
“Yes” And here is the proof that Slytherins don’t always play to their strengths. Here is Regulus, pathetically tearing down his walls with reckless abandon. Terrified of the impending result but ready for it all the same. Putting his trust in something outside of his own mind.
James holds his face so gently. He brushes his thumb along his bottom lip. Regulus holds his wrists.
James leans in…
And for the first time in his young life, Regulus feels beloved.
James deepens the kiss. Regulus follows along with him. He caresses James’ arms and moves them away from his face down to his waist. Everything is small. Every movement, every shift in weight, every breath.
Regulus puts his hands on James' chest, feeling how warm James is. He moves his hands into James’ hair. It’s much softer than he ever dreamed it would be; he knows how little James cares for his hair.
They finally separate. Regulus opens his eyes to see James already looking at him. They are both slightly out of breath.
The only light in the room is coming from Remus’ reading light. He always forgets to turn it off. The light isn’t very bright; Remus doesn’t need a lot of light, his eyes are more sensitive and can pick up the beams easily.
Regulus has always thought James looked best at sundowns. When the sun wasn’t ready to yield its reign on the Earth just yet. James belongs where everything is golden. Where everything matches James.
But right now, in this too-dim-to-be-called-lighting, Regulus stood corrected. He was positively glowing. In no other light, no other time, no other place would James look more beautiful than he did now.
James pulls Regulus in for another kiss. It felt like James was desperate to have Regulus closer, to feel him there. He grabs the underside of Regulus’ knee and puts it on the other side of him so Regulus was straddling his lap. Regulus lightly tugs on James’ hair.
Regulus wants to feel encased in James’ warmth. Stripped bare and submerged in golden light. Surrounded by a comfort only another individual could provide.
James pulls back. He whispers something into Regulus’ lips that Regulus doesn’t quite catch. He leans his forehead on James’, catching his breath.
That’s when Regulus’ mind finally catches up to him. He pulls back, looking James in his eyes. “What did you say?”
“I’m so sorry, Reg.”
“Wait, no. That’s not what you said, say it again.”
“I’m in love with Lily.”
“Oh.”
Oh.
Oh no.
“Regulus, I’m so sorry. I really thought…”
Regulus dropped his head onto James' shoulder. And he just breaks.
“... I really thought it would all fit into place if we just…”
He can barely hear James talking over the shattered walls laughing at him. We told you. You put us here for a reason. You reap what you sow.
Regulus doesn’t move. Doesn’t open his eyes. To open his eyes is to admit that this is reality.
“Godric, I’m so sorry.”
He feels like he’s suffocating; too tangled up in James’ grasp. He still doesn’t open his eyes as he goes to move off of James’ lap.
James pulls him closer, holds his hips tighter. “Wait, please don’t leave, please. Let’s just talk this through, just, don’t go yet.”
That’s when he opens his eyes. If James wasn’t willing to accept the situation, then the duty fell to Regulus. He sees James and his own body intertwined. Merlin, does he want it to stay that way. He wants James to embrace him. To feel another body desperately clinging to him. To have someone touch him like this and mean it.
But he also wanted James to feel the same way.
His knees were starting to get sore.
And he wanted James to love him.
The feeling of being smothered was slowly creeping back in.
And he wanted James to refuse to let go of him because he realized how well Regulus feels in his arms like that.
His eyes were open.
And this was reality.
He reaches behind himself and removes James' hands from his waist. James doesn’t fight it.
“Please talk to me, Reg.”
James said almost the exact same thing not five minutes ago. Weird how different it sounds now.
“It’s okay, James.”
“No Regulus, it’s not okay.” Regulus puts his hands on James' shoulders to steady himself as he stands up. He hasn’t looked at James yet but he can hear the wobble in his voice.
Regulus is trying not to cry too. It’s comforting to know James is struggling just as much as he is. Misery does indeed love company. James holds onto Regulus’ wrists like he would crumble into nothing if he didn’t.
“James, let’s just forget about this.”
“No, because I’ve hurt you, and I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about you.”
There’s something about seeing someone else fall apart that strengthens the will.
Regulus cradles James’ face, James holding onto his hands now. Regulus leans down and looks James directly in his glassy eyes. He could get lost in those eyes. He’s done it many times before.
But never mind that, in for a penny, in for a pound. Well, maybe that’s the wrong thing to say, in for a kiss, in for a confession.
“James, I’ve been in love with you for four years. I can bloody well handle it by now.”
Shock dawns on James’ face. “Four years?”
“Well, I can’t be sure when it happened, but I know I realized it second year.”
James looks terrified. That’s when the tears fall. “I never knew. I am so sorry, Reg.”
Why couldn’t James just be an asshole? That way Regulus can just be done with this. No, James just has to care about him.
Regulus watches as James puts Regulus’ hands to his lips. He mumbles apologies in between small kisses, tears pouring freely down his face.
“Stop James, please. Really, it’s okay.” Regulus needs to leave this room. He needs to go back to his dorm and lay down. How did he not realize how tired he was? He needs to get to his own bed before he falls asleep. Or before he falls to the ground and sobs uncontrollably, whichever comes first.
Regulus pulls his hands out of James’, finally not touching him anymore. James looks up at him. He looks so sad -you’d think he just got his heart smashed, for fuck’s sake- and still so beautiful it makes his soul ache.
“I’m just not the one for you and Lily is.” Regulus whispers with a smile on his face. He had to get it out. For James’ sake and his own. He needs to let go of something that was never his in the first place.
Just let go. “I’m just not the one.”
Let go.
Regulus walks away. He opens the door. Suddenly the music returns, giving him a good reason not to turn back when James calls his name. He takes a deep breath, closes the door, and walks down into the common room.
Sirius sees black curls leave the common room. Of course, Reggie, the little prick, wasn’t gonna say goodbye to the person who invited him to the party in the first place.
Sirius jumps up onto a coffee table, almost eats shit, steadies himself, and looks out into the crowd.
He sees Marlene and Dorcas talking on the sofa. There’s Mary and Lily dancing. There’s his lovely Moony drawing a penis on an unconscious Peter’s stomach.
Where the fuck is Prongs?