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Ermal glanced at his watch for the hundredth time during the last ten minutes. And alright, maybe he should have expected that the serial killer handling so many contracts at once sometimes couldn’t just show up without being a little late. But it still annoyed him. This wasn’t just any meaningless little thing - they had something serious to talk about. The fact the other man wasn’t here on time only added to Meta’s incredible stress.
He probably should have stayed at work, get some more things done, but he wanted to get this conversation over with as soon as possible.
Fabrizio actually finally agreed for him to become a part of the crew again. He still didn’t want to let him get involved in their field actions, but with time accepted that Ermal was actually a very significant asset, so he allowed his skills to be used in the less risky missions. It didn’t happen often, but at least the younger man had the opportunity to feel this rush of adrenaline from time to time again. And apart from that, he worked in the headquarters. He helped with the research, analysis, sometimes even IT - which mostly consisted of him learning the ‘fun’ stuff, like programming a drone and then flying it. He was pretty much working in different departments of the same company, except it wasn’t a company per se, but a criminal empire, the most effective one in the entire country.
“Meta!” he heard behind his back and turned around, trying not to look as stressed as he felt.
“Took you long enough,” he answered cheekily, hoping to mask his nervousness with that attitude.
Gennaro sighed, approaching closer and out of instinct pulling out his pack of cigarettes. “And I don’t have much time, so what is it? Seemed pretty serious.”
“Yeah, it is… I mean, it’s just a question, but a pretty important one.” Ermal licked his lips and clenched his fists, hoping for his hands to stop shaking. “Though first I need to know if you can keep a secret.”
“Well, that depends,” Gennaro answered casually, shrugging.
“I’m serious.” Meta really didn’t feel like playing games today, especially not with such important matters that needed taking care of, so he managed to run out of patience already.
“Me too. First, tell me what are we even talking about.” The criminal was calm, enjoying his cigarette and not worrying about wherever that conversation was going.
“Okay, so, since you’re his best friend I assumed you would know something I’m interested in.” Ermal hated how his throat tightened; then he felt the sweat on his back and his legs becoming a bit numb. How was he supposed to remain relaxed, when his entire body protested, not allowing him to at least pretend he was fine? Thankfully, Gennaro didn’t seem to notice his terrible state.
“Okay?”
“So, uhm, did he ever say anything about…” He cleared his throat. “...about the possibility of maybe considering at some point perhaps…” Ermal swallowed, closing his eyes. Damn, it was hard.
“Meta, get to the point already, please.” Gennaro rolled his eyes, not yet realizing the seriousness of the situation.
“...getting married?”
The criminal froze with his mouth open, and his hand holding a cigarette stopped halfway. He stared at Ermal blankly, his face unreadable, maybe except for the obvious shock. Meta cleared his throat and instinctively hugged himself, looking down; this lack of any instant reaction stressed him even more. He hoped that after saying it, he would be able to relax again, but this uncertainty was much worse. He began to wonder if Gennaro would just stay like that, without saying anything, when the man finally moved. And burst out laughing. His whole body was practically shaking and he even dropped his cigarette at some point.
“Oh shit,” he whispered after finally catching a breath and more or less calming down. His good mood remained, and while this wasn’t the worst reaction Ermal could get after his question, he hoped for something providing more clarity to the situation.
“I’m serious,” Meta said sternly, but Gennaro didn’t seem to care.
“Jesus Christ.”
“Just answer the question.”
“Fabri. In a fucking suit?” He started laughing uncontrollably again. “I can’t…”
“Can you tell me already?” Ermal hissed, clearly angry, and that made the other man stop. Maybe he noticed the ex-cop was at this point trembling from the stress and insecurity.
Gennaro spoke, more serious this time, but still quite relaxed, as if it wasn’t such a big deal: “Are you kidding me? You know him, he’s a sappy romantic. Of course he would love to get married.”
Ermal swallowed. It wasn’t completely reassuring but gave him that additional bit of confidence and courage. And he would definitely need those once he settled on the ring. But still, he had to be certain. “Are you sure?”
“Pretty much?” Gennaro shrugged, reaching for another cigarette, since his previous one was of no use anymore. “I mean, he never thought he could actually do it. Not before you at least.”
Meta had to blink a few times to make sure his mind wasn’t playing tricks on him. Gennaro was smiling. It wasn’t that smug smirk he loved to make, and it wasn’t fake. He genuinely smiled, looking happy for his best friend and the future ahead for him and his partner. It reassured Ermal more than any words ever would that this was the right move.
***
Picking out the ring turned out to be much more difficult than he initially thought. Of course, he wouldn’t be himself if he chose something without thinking it through a couple of times, considering all his options, and also paying attention to what exactly Fabrizio would want. The problem with the situation was, while Ermal loved all kinds of jewelry and always made sure his outfits were complemented by proper accessories, his boyfriend simply didn’t care. He had his fancy glove and two spare ones, but he stopped wearing them since his hand healed as much as it could and he got new tattoos to cover the worst scars. He owned four pairs of earrings, putting them on only if he ‘felt like it’. And if he had any bracelets or necklaces on, it was always because his boyfriend pretty much forced him to add something to his outfit, even the tiniest thing. Thankfully there were also two signet rings, mainly gathering dust, but enough for Meta to get the right size. This made his job at least a bit easier, but did nothing to help make a decision. And yes, he knew Fabrizio most likely wouldn’t even care how it looked, but Ermal would. He did. Everything needed to be perfect, because his still-boyfriend didn’t deserve anything less.
So choosing the right ring took time, way more than he would ever dare to admit. To the point Gennaro even asked him if he changed his mind or something, because he expected them to already start planning the wedding, and apparently, his best friend had no idea said wedding was even considered. But eventually, Ermal chose. It was simple enough to fit Fabrizio’s style, but didn’t lack a few adjustments making it fancier and closer to the younger man’s taste.
It was one of the days when they both stayed in the house, not worrying about anything ‘work’ related. Ermal barely slept in the night and had to force himself to eat any breakfast, because all the stress made his stomach clench.
“Bizio, we need to talk,” he announced at some point. It came out way harsher than it should, which was clear from the criminal’s expression.
“Is there something wrong?” he asked quietly, putting away the book he was reading and taking off his glasses. He looked truly worried, and it nearly made Ermal panic.
“D-do you think there is?”
Fabrizio furrowed his eyebrows, stood up and approached his boyfriend. “No?”
“Then there’s no reason to be so worried, right?” Right, Ermal?
“Yeah, but you’re very serious and I have no idea if something happened, or…”
“Uhm, this, this thing I wanna talk about. It is serious.” He swallowed, feeling his hands sweat. “But it’s nothing bad. So can we talk?”
“Okay?”
Ermal took a deep breath. That was it. This was the moment in which he was supposed to do the bravest thing in his life. Nothing he faced in his childhood, nothing he did during his career as a police officer, nothing he had to handle in prison or later, as a member of a criminal empire, nothing could compare. Sure, Ermal needed to show courage many times in his life, at times pretty much fighting for survival, but this was different. For a really long time he was scared of loving, of being so vulnerable before someone else, of giving them his all. Being emotionless, uncaring, and prideful was much easier than baring his soul to another person, trusting them with his heart which was already damaged so many times. And now he wanted to take it one step further, to change it into a promise of an entire lifetime of this attachment, closeness, and dedication.
“Ermal? I know you just told me not to worry, but you’re really pale and I’m not sure…”
“I’m sorry,” the younger man said quickly. He exhaled strongly and looked Fabrizio in the eyes with the new determination and courage, which appeared out of nowhere, replacing the stress and fear. It was almost like the adrenaline high he felt the first time he got to be a part of the crew’s mission. “Alright, so. As you probably know, from the moment we met I really hated you.” Ermal smiled, taking a steadier breath.
Fabrizio chuckled. “The feeling was definitely mutual.”
“I can imagine.” He nodded and did his best not to reach and caress Moro’s cheek. He had to make this speech first, he had to stay focused and touching his boyfriend would definitely distract him. “But it only shows that there were always strong feelings between us, right from the start. And I’m really glad we managed to turn them into this incredible relationship, because without it I would still be the same guy who entered the prison thinking he had everything under control as long as he showed no emotions. And I’ve been this way most of my life, whenever I felt insecure or threatened, I just did my best to stay back, not let anyone in, and to process the situation on my own. Not loving anyone apart from my mom was simply easier than getting involved, because her love was unconditional, and with another person, I knew I would have to make an effort. And I preferred not to. But then you arrived.” Ermal smiled again and had to stop talking for a moment just to stare into those beautiful dark eyes. Fabrizio smiled too and blushed a bit, still clueless about the purpose of this speech. “And you turned it all around. You taught me so many things, and you showed me patience. You believed in me when I stopped and wanted to give up. You were there whenever I needed you, and you let me learn from you how to properly love and care for someone other than myself. And I feel safe with you, Bizio. Sure, we face dangerous situations almost daily, but my heart is safe with you. My love is safe with you.” Ermal had to swallow and take another deep, steady breath. Fabrizio didn’t take his eyes off of his boyfriend, listening carefully this entire time, sensing he shouldn’t interrupt but just allow the younger man to share his thoughts. They rarely talked about feelings, doing so only when it was necessary. Ermal deciding on it all of a sudden meant it was important to him. “I wondered where best to do it, but this is the perfect place.” Fabrizio had no idea what exactly he was planning, but kept waiting patiently. His boyfriend’s hands were slightly trembling, so he clearly struggled with the situation and needed a bit of time to properly get through with it. “Because this is home. The last place that felt like one was the house I lived in with my mom, and since then I never had this warmth, this safety anywhere else, until moving in here permanently and having a life with you. I also thought about the people potentially involved, but then realized there’s no point in adding anyone else. It’s better this way, not in front of your crew, our friends. Because in this they don’t matter. It’s only you and me. And yes, this is very simple, but you like simple. So I hope this is as close to perfect as possible.” Fabrizio had to bite his tongue in order not to ask what was going on. But he remained patient. And didn’t say anything even when Ermal reached with his trembling hand to his pants’ back pocket and then kept something in his hand, not yet revealing what he was holding. “You know how much I love you, right?” The younger man asked in a quieter voice this time.
It took Fabrizio a few seconds to realize that now he could talk, and answer this rather unexpected question. “Of course.”
“And you know t-that I’m not planning to go anywhere, ever?”
“Ermal, what… I’m not planning to go anywhere either.” He was about to continue, but before he could say anything, his boyfriend spoke up again:
“So I’ve been thinking that we could, uhm, make a promise out of it, you know?” Meta’s breathing became uneven and Fabrizio really wanted to finally ask for an explanation, because with each word he became more and more confused, but then in one second it all made sense. Because Ermal got on one knee and revealed what he was holding - a small, dark box with a ring inside. “Fabrizio Mobrici, will you do me the honor of becoming my husband?”
Before, he had all kinds of things to say to Ermal, a million questions to ask, wondering what made him so serious and stressed. But when he finally got the answer, he didn’t know how to react. His mind was completely blank and he just stared in absolute disbelief, because even if he had to come up with a hundred reasons for his boyfriend’s behavior, the actual one wouldn’t even make the list. It sounded surreal, and if he didn’t have the younger man literally holding an engagement ring right in front of him, he wouldn’t believe it. Fabrizio had no idea how much time had passed before he finally got over the initial shock, but Ermal waited patiently, looking him in the eyes and simply waiting, just like he himself did moments before, when the younger man was working up the courage to ask probably the most important question of their lives. Moro let his mind wander off for a second, imagining them still together, years later, with rings on their fingers as proof of continuous commitment to one another. That definitely was a nice thought. But he never considered himself a dreamer, he focused on reality and that, unfortunately, didn’t shine as bright as these beautiful images he had let himself believe in for a moment.
And his answer matched that approach. “You’re kidding, right? You must be. You can’t actually want us to… To do that.” Fabrizio hoped for a smile to appear on Ermal’s face any second now, a sign that yes, he wanted to just mess with him and that’s it, they could continue with their life together exactly as it used to be. But nothing like that happened.
“Why not?”
Fabrizio swallowed. This just couldn’t be real. “Because it’s not possible? I’m a criminal, how do you even want to make this official?” He realized his heart started beating faster; he kept staring at the ring, unable to look away, because that dream was simply too beautiful. And sadly impossible.
“Baby, we don’t have to get married like normal people do. We don’t need actual, official papers for it. I just want this for us.” Ermal smiled shyly and Fabrizio had no idea what to focus his attention on, that ring or this gorgeous face making him all warm inside.
“But…”
“Listen, if you don’t want it, just say so, I won’t be mad.” His gentle expression made the older man believe his words, but it didn’t feel right. He couldn’t say he didn’t want it. He just…
“I-I don’t know.”
“Okay,” Ermal replied patiently and nodded. He was still smiling lightly, making sure Fabrizio didn’t feel overwhelmed or trapped. He had a choice and his boyfriend would be perfectly fine no matter what the older man decided on.
“I… Fuck. I never thought… I… I didn’t…” His breath became uneven and shaky; it almost felt like a panic attack again, except this time he couldn’t count on Ermal to make it better, because the ex-cop was the main source of it. And what he proposed sounded like a beautiful dream, but even considering it to be real bordered on crazy. He had to close his eyes, because the mess in his mind was already too much to bear, and dealing with his boyfriend’s gaze would only make it worse.
“I don’t need your answer right now, we can wait, baby.”
“But I… I just…” Fabrizio gritted his teeth. The most reasonable thing to do in this situation would be calmly thinking it through, taking into account all pros and cons. And yet he couldn’t do anything other than feel scared.
“We won’t do anything without you being completely sure,” Ermal announced in a serious tone and slowly got up from his knees, about to put the box back in his pocket. “Look, I can put away that ring right now if…”
“Don’t,” Fabrizio whispered, quietly but sternly. It seemed completely insane to even consider something as complicated and major as marriage. Especially in their situation; there were so many other things they should be concerned about, not this absurd dream Ermal somehow had come up with. Completely ridiculous. And yet, once he opened his eyes again, Moro couldn’t stop staring at this little box, thankfully not hidden back in the younger man’s pocket. “How long did you think about it?”
“It started on our vacation.”
Fabrizio looked up into his boyfriend’s eyes. “That’s almost half a year ago.” He didn’t even try to hide his shock. He expected it to be more like an impromptu thing, somehow decided in the heat of the moment. Such a long time meant Ermal really thought this all through, and despite that, still chose to propose. He wasn’t stupid, he knew how insane that idea was.
“You know, there’s actually something I was supposed to explain back then. ‘Burri’, remember? That Albanian word?” Fabrizio hesitantly nodded. The ex-cop swallowed and smiled shyly. “Means ‘husband’.”
The older man furrowed his brows. “Why…?”
“Those ladies once told me we look very much in love and that they can see us spending the rest of our lives together.” Ermal blushed, biting his lip. “And then the one from the diner asked if we’re planning to have a wedding. When I said I never actually thought about it, she asked ‘wouldn’t it be nice to call him ‘husband’?’ And, well, it definitely would.”
“Husband.”
“Only if you want.”
Fabrizio didn’t reply right away, but the younger man patiently waited, observing his boyfriend, noticing his breath becoming rapid and shallow. His left hand was clenched in a tight fist, while the right one remained loose. Normally Ermal could blame it on the injury, but it wouldn’t be exactly correct. Despite the damage, the criminal was still able to move it, not as precisely as before, but definitely enough to make it a fist. The fact he didn’t, gave Meta hope. Hope that there was still a chance for it to happen, for Fabrizio to say ‘yes’. He felt conflicted, which meant he started to honestly consider it.
“In sickness and in health,” the older man whispered. “That’s how it goes, right?” Ermal held his breath and nodded. “I guess we’ve already been through that.”
“We were.” He had to pretty much force himself to answer, because his suddenly dry throat definitely didn’t want to cooperate.
Moro took a long, deep breath and unclenched his fist. “I never thought it could happen to me.”
“Like I said, if you want some time to think about it, there’s absolutely no rush.”
Fabrizio slowly nodded and after a moment of hesitation gently placed his hand on Ermal’s chest, inhaling and exhaling in a steady rhythm, looking his boyfriend in the eyes. He wasn’t as stressed and conflicted as before, it seemed he finally knew what decision to make.
“Yes.”
“‘Yes’ what? You do want to wait?”
“‘Yes’ to that first question.” Fabrizio smiled, his lip slightly trembling. “T-the main one.”
Ermal swallowed, his heart stopping for a moment, before starting to beat again, or maybe ‘pounding’ would be a better word. It got so loud and overwhelming that he needed a few seconds to gather his thoughts before the realization hit him.
“You mean…” It was happening. It was really happening.
“Fuck, Ermal, I want to.” Fabrizio gripped the younger man’s shirt tighter, still looking him directly in the eyes. “I want t-to be your husband. Burri. Whatever. God, I want everything.”
Meta’s anxious expression turned into a wide grin in a matter of seconds. His slightly trembling hands opened the little box, he pulled out the ring and put it on Fabrizio’s finger. Then he looked back at him and knew this was the best decision of his life.
“I’ll give you everything.”