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"So...when you going to get back with her?" asked Hanji, Levi had been glaring over at where Reiner and Jean had been talking you up all lunch.
"I'm not getting with anyone, brat. We were never together in the first place," he spat, Hanji plunked the bent spoon out of the corporal's hand with a skeptic look.
"I'm not stupid. I know you two were together together. Just like I know that you told her you love her. And I know she loves you back. I honestly thought you were going to get married." Levi grunted something that sounded like 'so did I.' "So why'd you let her go?" Levi's glare turned to Hanji, who simply rephrased her statement.
"If I tell you, Shitty Glasses, will you stop fucking bugging me about her?" he spat lowly so only he and Hanji could hear. The woman nodded and Levi studied her momentarily, making sure she was sincere before sighing. "I have enough to worry about. I have the lives of hundreds of soldiers on my hands, I don't need to be worrying about her too. What if I do something that costs a whole squad their lives because I went out of my way to help her? She clouds my judgement, and you can't have anything that distracts you in a war." Hanji supressed a sigh while she rolled her eyes,
"It's because you care, Levi, and even if you're not with her, it doesn't mean you just stop caring. If anything, you'll be even more worried because she's not keeping you up to date on things. You won't know where she is at all times like you did before either. How many missions has she been on that you haven't known about? - I can count, at least, six since you've been apart."
"What?!" Levi growled, slamming his fist on the table and sending a sharp glare at Hanji. This gained a few odd looks, which the corporal sent away with a glare. But Hanji shrugged at him.
"Not your property, not your business. Not anymore. Anyway, you never let your feelings get in the way before. I've seen you two on missions together, you're like a couple of cogs. You can read each other, and go off of one another. I've never seen you put her before anyone – ever. And I don't understand what suddenly made you think that was going to change. She'd hate it if you did that anyway, because you'd hate yourself if you lost any body more than necessary. Think about it this way, Shorty. What if, God forbid, she dies on her next mission –?”
"Don't say that," spat Levi sharply through his teeth.
"Shush, hear me out. I not saying she will, but what if she does? She'll have died thinking that the man she loved didn't love her back. And then you'll regret leaving her. Or what if, God also forbid, you die on your next mission. You'll never have told her that you still love her. She'll easily go off with another man without a second thought and have a family and kids and – "
"Shut the hell up, I fucking get. It doesn't change a damn thing though. I can't have a weakness on the battle field. You think I wasn't worried about her when we went on those missions? I made sure she was always where I could see her – always. And if I couldn't see her, I – I'd fucking panic! I can't keep doing that! And now that I know that she's gone on missions without me knowing..."
"Widdling away in your office with worry isn't going to her help, you know. You just yell at everyone – more than you already – do on days like those…I probably shouldn't tell you this but..." Hanji stopped, trailing off as she bit her lip.
"'But' what?" growled Levi.
"She's going on a mission tomorrow." Levi sat in silence, glowering over at your form. Your two's eyes caught for briefly, before you turned away with a blush. "She ain't goin’ to wait around forever, Shorty. And I don't think your sanity could bear to. I know there are a lot of 'what ifs' but just – think about it. I don't think your rank and reputation are worth your mental health." With that, Hanji up and left, leaving Levi with those stinging words of possibility. What if ? There were always so many of those, especially in the beginning.
"Levi, what if we get caught?!" you insisted, tugging your hand which was in Levi’s iron grip as he towed you somewhere.
"Quiet, brat, nobody will catch us if you keep your mouth shut," he snapped back. You bit your lip, watching as his shorter form pulled you to your destination.
That had been your first actual date. He tried being impossibly somewhat romantic, and set up a picnic type deal for you in his office. You two ate the fancy food he was able to scrounge up, talked a bit, him opening up a little more. And then you read on the sofa while he did paperwork. Sure the paperwork wasn't ideal, but it had to be done, and it was still time together.
There had always been what ifs. Mainly the what if of being caught. What if you were caught sneaking to his office when he worked passed curfew? What if he got caught bringing your sleeping form to his quarters for the night when you fell asleep in his office? What if you two got caught in the middle of making love, whether in his office or in his room? What would the punishment be? Would it really be that bad? Sure, the cadets would see you different. That was always your concern. And the always present 'what if I die tomorrow' still loomed, especially the day before a mission. But, even then, you two were strong. But the what ifs now were much more painful. What if you did die in a mission, and you thought he didn't love you? He'd go insane. Eaten by a different guilt than gnawed at him now. You were precious to him, and what if he really did lose his mind because of not having you?
All of these what ifs drifted through Levi's mind. They sat there when he should have been doing paperwork. The flinch you gave as he shot up from the mess hall bench and stormed out running through his mind. You hadn't come to see him. And that hurt like hell, because he wanted you to comfort him. The past five months of separation had been driving him insane. He didn't have the comfort of waking up to you after nightmares, where he could fall asleep again and dream of a happy future with you. The first dreams he had in years.
Those words sat there as he finally dragged himself into bed in the late hours. Your form, of course, absent from his bed where you'd normally help him undress and cuddle him. It was driving him insane, he couldn't take this. The bed was cold, the nights were long and lonely, his tea was awful and bitter...he was awful and bitter. One stupid girl, and his whole world changes. But what was the change? Good? Bad? Good and bad? It was probably the last one.
You were welcomed, and loved. He had someone to talk to, open up as slowly as he wanted to. He had someone to kiss away those nightmares, and to hold him tight when he didn't admit he needed it. You could read Levi, even before being together. He never knew how, he was just an open lonely book to you. Quite a few times, before being together, when you were alone with him you'd run up and wrap your arms around him, claiming you knew that he needed to be held that day. He'd scolded you at first, but he soon found it was comforting. You were your own book that Levi had wanted to read, to explore, to analyze until your whole story folded out before him with such clarity as you could read his closed book.
But that was before the nightmare where he sacrificed the whole Survey Corp for you, and you didn't even appreciate it. You laughed at him, claiming him to be a fool. In his dream, you turned out to be a titan and ate him alive. The words 'together forever' echoing through his mind as he slid down your esophagus. He had woken up in a cold sweat that night. You had gotten back from a mission late in the night and were in your quarters, so he was entirely alone. He cut it off the next day. He couldn't sacrifice humanity's chance at survival. Your body, that he'd memorized, shifting into that of a titan still burned in his mind. But not as quickly or so painfully as your tears did.
Growling, Levi shot up out of his bed at dawn. He hadn't slept at all. He damned everything, mostly his stupid self. He couldn't take it! Levi stormed out of his room, his dishevelled form stomping along, getting strange looks from the few early morning onlookers, until he reached your quarters. Throwing open the door, not even bothering to knock, he found your form just crawling out of bed. You yawned, stretching, as you rubbed the sleep from your eyes. You raised an eyebrow at the fuming Levi in the doorway.
"My office. Now, brat," he spat throughout his teeth, his signature scowl across his features. You didn't say anything, but pulled your eyebrows together in confusion as you nodded. Silently, you scrambled from the bed and jogged to keep up with the fast walking short man. Once in his office he slammed the door shut. You winced, especially when that look turned to you.
"What's the matter, cor-" you started.
"Don't. Fucking. Call me. ‘Corporal.’ You haven't called me ‘Corporal’ in private in over two years, don't fucking think about calling me that now!" You took a step back, Levi had never terrified you. Now until now.
"L-Levi...what's the matter with you..?" you asked breathily, your heart beat in alarmingly fast against your rib cage.
"What's the fucking matter? You're the fucking matter! Five fucking months and I can't fucking get you out of my damn head!"
"W-What..? You...you're the one who said you didn't love me anymore." You trembled, watching as Levi paced, his hands frantically running through his hair.
"I don't not love you, idiot!" he spat. "Wait, that didn't come out right. Oh well, doesn't fucking matter now. The point is, is that you better fucking come back to me alive, you brat. You better not fucking die out there today, and leave me. Do you know what the last five months have been like for me?! – Hell. They’ve been absolute hell without you. I feel like I'm losing my shit! I'm going crazy – !"
"You look it," you chuckled quietly, causing you to get another glare.
"I didn't bring you here to make snarky remarks, brat."
"I know, I know. You brought me here to tell me you still love and, in a roundabout way, want to be back with me," you said simply. Levi opened his mouth, but no noise came out as he charged up to you, grabbed your face and smashed his lips to yours. You gasped, both, in pain and surprise, allowing a little tongue action as he slid in to take in your familiar taste.
"Thank God, you're not as dumb as you look," mumbled Levi as he pulled away. You chuckled some, giving him a chaste kiss.
"I'll come back to you, Levi. I'll always come back to you. I wouldn't – couldn't – ever leave you alone again. You might become a mad man without me. Now I have to go get ready, don't worry about me too much. Alright?" Levi nodded, trapping your lips again. Pushing away, you smiled and turned on your heel.
Against your wishes, Levi spent the day sick in worry. He didn't eat. Didn't speak or yell. He didn't do any paper work. He just sat there, staring out the window wondering about the what ifs. Sure, there we're plenty of bad ones. But there were good what ifs. What if you both survived and started a family? What if you all were alive to bring about the end of the titans, and everyone was free? What if you returned to him that night? Would he really waste it yelling at you? No. Because there were what ifs. And he wanted to spend all the good ones with you. It was in the wee hours the following morning when voices outside of his office woke Levi up from his paperwork slumber.
"...yeah, he's been in here all day..." that was Hanji, but who was she talking to? She didn't even bother knocking as she opened the door, quickly answering his question. She was talking – t o you.
"[Name]..." he muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. You laughed heartily, placing your hands on your hips.
"I told you I'll always come back. I almost didn't, but then I remembered I had you to come back to. So I cut that son of a bitch open. Sorry I'm a bit gross, but the inside of a titan's mouth is disgusting."
"I told you it'd make a difference," chuckled Hanji, looking mischievously at Levi. You glanced between them in confusion, but Hanji shook her head and left.
"I'm just glad you're all right," muttered Levi, "but you are disgusting...perhaps I can help you get clean." A smirk settled on Levi's as he grabbed your hand, pulling to his personal, spotless shower. You smirked, this was your Levi and you loved to have him back.