Work Text:
She stands in the hallway leading to the airlock, her heart in her throat.
They had taken too long, too many hours. She doesn’t know how many years have passed on earth and prays to any god that will listen that its not too much, knows it won’t work.
Her heart stops when TARS tells them
23 years.
More than two decades.
She leans her forehead against the walls of the ship as her heart drops, feels Matthias let out a ragged breath, trying to make sense of the robots’ words.
“We’ve been receiving messages but nothing gets out, both of you have gotten a load of them, you should probably see them” the machine tells them as Alina makes her way to the screen in the cockpit where she’s already seen so many of them and responded to them.
Her hand trembles as she leans forward in her chair to switch on the device.
“Starkov.” She commands it, desperately trying to steel her nerves.
“Messages span 23 years” the device voices.
She takes a deep breath, trying to brace herself for what she knows may be coming, she leans back a little in her seat, arms around herself.
“Play them from the beginning” she commands.
The screen flickers as it comes to life, and there it is.
His face, smiling at her.
“Hello Moya lyobuv, I know it’s been a while- “
She trembles when she hears him, his voice just as she remembered warm and comforting and she can’t hold in the sob that’s wretches out of her mouth.
“Anya just got home a few minutes ago from archery practice, she was grumbling the whole time about not finding a proper anchor for the arrow to release or something like that” he leans back a little in his chair, running a hand through his hair and she can see their old living room, still the same as she remembered, she couldn’t help but wonder how it’ll change as the messages go on.
“She misses you Alina, even if she doesn’t talk to you she misses you, I see her staring at the codes she took down to ask you to stay the day you left almost every day, we all miss you very much and I know you haven’t been able to respond to some of the recent messages but I know you will when you can, nothing much is going on here, the dust is getting worse and worse, crops are having trouble growing again but I wont bore you with that. Ill see you soon ok, I love you bye.”
He reaches out his hand to stop the recording and she tries to stop him as palm meets the screen and another image of him comes into view.
“Hello Ayla, how are things up there” his voice was raspy from sleep and she smiled at him, she had missed him so much. “I know things can go wrong with the mission up there and I haven’t gotten any responses back for you, none of us have but I know you’re out there I know you’re watching this, listening to me” his face goes soft as if he remembers a fond memory of them, she certainly does, remembers laying in bed on Sunday mornings talking about everything and nothing at the same time, Anya jumping up and down their bed demanding they take her somewhere for the day and her heart bleeds as she remembers them.
She missed them both so much
“Anya turned sixteen yesterday, celebrated her birthday with her friends in the archery field with a picnic, I wish you were there to see her she’s just like you- “ he picks up something from the nightstand and she recognizes it as a photo frame “look here,” he says while pointing to the picture and her heart squeezes in her chest.
Anya, her baby girl, all grown up and she wasn’t there to see it.
She had her father’s eyes and hair but her face, it came from her and her daughter looked beautiful.
Alina felt tears in her eyes as the recordings went on and on with him telling her everything, he can about his life there about Anya and how she was also interested in astronomy and wanted to follow in her mother’s footsteps, even if she didn’t admit it.
“Hello Ayla, today was a very big day, Anya brought home a boy today.” he gives her a dopey grin that she tries match even as her heart is in pieces, “they’re quite serious his name is Misha, he’s a good man I like him and yes before you ask I did not threaten him, not too much at least” she smiles at that, of course he would do that, he loves their daughter too much. “She’s happy Ayla or she tries to at least, got into her top colleges, it’s not a surprise she’s following in your footsteps” he leans back on the chair he’s sitting in.
“I miss you, I miss you so much sometimes it’s hard to breath for me, and I know , I know you needed to go and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy but I never thought I would feel this empty without you my love, sometimes I can’t take it anymore. I want to see my wife, I want to feel you I want kiss you I want you to yell at me every time I forget to take my shoes off before I get inside our home. ” he lets out a chuckle at the last part even as his eyes well up.
She leans forward to trace his face with her hands on the screen desperately, wishing she could be there with him to wipe the tear that falls from him eyes and as he leans forward to stop the recording she sees just how wearied down he looks, hair now sprinkled with greys, his skin wrinkled near his eyes, eyes that were just as dark and endless as she had remembered them.
“No! NO! DON’T PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH, HEY- yes, look there look at your grandma- there yes. Say hi! I’m Leo I’m your grandson!” Aleksander says, a baby in his arms pointing to the camera.
Grandson, her grandson
Leo
She smiled through the tears as she waved to the little boy who, currently was trying to put his grandpa’s hair back in his mouth, it suddenly hits her like a bag of bricks as she watches him.
Hair almost all white now save for a sprinkle of black here and there, wrinkles around his eyes and cheeks and she lurches forward, hands braced on the edges of the screen as another sob comes from her mouth.
Sasha, she thinks, her Sasha just as beautiful as the day she met him.
She had promised him they would grow old together, they would sit in their living room in the holidays looking through old family albums, reliving the best moments of their life. She broke it.
She broke her promise to him and it kills her.
The message ends abruptly with him laughing with mirth at something the little boy had done.
“Hello my love, I know it’s been a while but-“ he’s interrupted by a series of coughs as she sees someone rush to him with a glass of water, a small figure and with a click she realizes its Leo, her grandson, he looked no younger than 8.
“I’m sorry for that, the dusts been getting worse and worse here, I’ve had to go to the hospital a few times since, something about my lungs but, you need not worry, remember how I told you I would torment you with my sick humor for all eternity? You’re not getting rid of me so soon milya, I’m waiting for you to come back” another voice chimes in then, a little boy's “YES grandpa says that you fly a spaceship? Is that true, and did you really get tired of him waiting around and kissed him first?” the little boy practically screams. Aleksander laughs as Leo rambles on and on and oh how she loves him already, barely knowing him for more than a few minutes.
She loves them both so much.
Doesn’t fail to realize Anya had not sent her anything.
“Hello Ayla, yes yes don’t worry I haven’t dropped dead yet, all this grey you see is nothing but a trick of your light.” He laughed, his face scrunching up making his wrinkles stand out “ Leo started middle school a few weeks ago you know he’s just like you, all sunshine and kind, trying to help anyone he sees, you will absolutely love him when you get back, I tell him about you almost every day. I told him how I fell in love with someone who could stand toe to toe with the sun itself and still be the more radiant of the two, I always knew would love you forever ever since that day we went to see the stars, you looked so beautiful then, eyes sparkling hair falling on your face as you tried to blow it away, I remember that day as if it were yesterday, I fell in love with you there after all how could I not”
Tears spill from her eyes as she sobs, because what else can she do?
Memories of that night flood her.
Her and Aleksander laying on opposite sides of on a patch of grass her face turned to the stars, his turned to her his lips brushing the side of her nose as she faces him, staring into his eyes. Neither said anything, they didn’t need to. She knew then this is the man she would stay with forever, whom she would marry and stay the rest of her life with, build a family with him, grow old and grey together lying in eachothers arms as they would talk about everything and nothing.
They got married a few years later. He took her name, Aleksander Starkov.
She doesn’t have that anymore.
She can’t have him anymore.
“Anya stopped by for a while, she’s worried even though I told her not to," he continues voice trying to stay light "I know she doesn’t send these to you, that she thinks these messages are nothing, going nowhere, just floating somewhere out there in some unknown galaxy but I know they reach you my love, I know you see them and i know your trying your best for all of us here at home, but I still look at the sky sometimes you know, hoping you’ll return to me, to us. I haven’t given up on you Alina, I never will, I love you.” He presses a kiss to his hand and brings it to the camera and leaves it there for a few seconds before turning it off.
She reaches out towards the screen almost falling over as she begs.
“No, no please don’t go” she says to the black screen as she cries, sobs tearing out of her throat as she reaches out to it bracing her hands on its sides resting her forehead against it when it flickers back to life.
Alina stops breathing, she can’t breathe because there she is.
Anya, sitting in what looks like their old living room.
All grown up, her baby girl, her little star.
She remembers the day she left, how can she not, how can she forget the way Anya had clinged to her, showed her the codes that said S.T.A.Y told her mama that she can’t go, can’t leave her here. She had held her then, held her thrashing little body as she tried to calm her whispering soothing words to her, promising her she’ll get back, remembers giving her that watch putting it side my side with the one on her wrist.
“One for you and one for me,” she says trying to keep her voice from wavering.
“When I’m up there in hyper sleep or- or traveling at the speed of light or near a blackhole, time is going to move slower for me,” she explains as Anya relaxes a little, trying to calm down “and when I get back, were going to compare.”
“Time will run differently for us?” Anya asks, voice shaky.
“Yea” she says voice soft as she tried to smile “maybe by the time I get back we might even be the same age” she tries to lighten her voice, to reduce the actual impact those words may have in them both.
Anya stiffened at the words, her face showing absolute horror, her voice breaks when she asks “You have no idea when your coming back” and rage washed over her as she said it again "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHEN YOUR COMING BACK" she had screamed as she threw the watch across the room.
“Anya, milya please don’t let me leave like this” Alina had said, a single tear falling from her eyes.
“THEN DON’T LEAVE, WHY ARENT YOU LISTENING TO ME IT SAYS ‘S.T.A.Y’ YOU CAN’T LEAVE- “ Aleksander had come into the room then, had wordlessly wrapped his arms around the both of them.
“Dad please tell her not to go PLEASE” Anya sobs, as she buried her face in Alina’s shoulder.
“Your mama has to go zolotse, she will come back don’t worry” he had said to Anya, trying to calm her a little.
They stay like that till Anya’s sobs reduced to sniffels, her breathing became even as sleep took her.
They looked at each other then, arms still around their daughter.
“Swear you’ll come back Ayla” he says, his voice a broken whisper.
She cradled his head in her palm as she brought it to the crook of her neck. He held onto her for dear life as, breathing in her scent, “Please, swear to me that you’ll come back to us” and she can feel the wetness on her skin, the raspines of his voice. She takes his hand and laces their fingers together, pressing a kiss on the back of it.
“I swear it Sasha, I’ll come back to you, to both of you, I swear it” she says, as she presses a kiss to his hair and hugs their Anya tighter.
They get up eventually, making sure to be careful no not wake their daughter as Alina moved to her car, packed and ready. She had turned to him one last time as she took him in, his soft black hair and deep dark eyes and she was reminded of just how beautiful he was.
She had held her to him, her face buried in his chest as she tried to keep the tears at bay. His hand in her hair holding her to him. She knew she was late; she needed to be going along but she couldn't. She needed this, needed to feel him one last time for god knows how long.
She had let go eventually, pressed a deep kiss to his lips. She knew this would be hard for them both, she knew she may very well never return home, but she had to try.
She had gotten in her car then, not looking back as she had driven away. She didn’t know that if she would have looked back she would have seen Anya sprinting after her car. She would have seen Aleksander holding her in his arms as she sobbed saying "mama" over and over.
She’s brought out of her memory she hears Anya speak.
“Hey mom,” she says voice close to breaking and oh how Alina had missed her, her smile, her laugh, the ridiculous face she made when she was upset and wanted Aleksander to give her some of his sweets.
Her heart shatters when she sees the look on the daughter’s face.
No, she thinks
No
She tries to calm her heart as it leaps to conclusions as to why Anya was sending her this and she refuses to acknowledge the most prominent one. No, she won’t, she won’t-
“You know I didn’t send you one of these when you were responding cause I was so angry at you for leaving and then when you went quiet and dad kept sending you his, I tried to tell him it was useless” she says, voice tinged with anger and sadness and Alina felt sick, she couldn’t take it, seeing her daughter like this “he never listened, always used to say that you’ll come back to us, told Leo all about you to the point he wont shut up about his grandma and how cool she is” Anya gives out a low chuckle as if remembering a fond memory, he faces grows solemn in a second and Alina realizes a bit too late.
He used to say, used to.
No, she thinks no please no don’t be true please-
“Dads gone” Anya says, voice breaking into a sob as tears fall out of her eyes.
Alina’s heart shatters, broken to the point of no healing as she lets what her daughter said sink in.
Aleksander
Her Sasha, her husband, her love.
He was gone.
“it was painless, we all were there, Leo held his hand the entire time. The last thing he ever said was that he knew- “Anya’s voice breaks as she tries to hold in the tears and Alina falls to the floor, sliding from her chair. “he said that he knew you’d find a way back to us, that he still had hope that you’d return” and tears fall in earnest from her eyes as she recalls her father’s last moments.
“You said to me the day you left, that when you return we may be the same age” Anya says, trying to steel her voice “well todays my birthday, and today I’m the age you were when you left, I just want you to know this is a really good time for you to come back” she voice trembles with unleashed sobs as Anya reaches forward to end the message.
The screen goes blank.
“No messages remaining” the device chimes in.
Alina doesn’t listen to it; she can’t focus on anything.
Aleksander, her Sasha, she had sworn to him she’d return to him, return to them their daughter, their grandson whom she loves after finding out about him in just under an hour.
She broke her promise to him.
The promise they had made of growing old together of driving each other mad with laughter at their silly jokes, the promise she had made to him about teaching him how to knit socks.
The promise she had made of returning back to him.
He was gone now, gone forever, gone without her being able to hold him, being able to kiss him one last time before he did.
Alina looked out of the cockpit, outside where a foreign galaxy welcomed her.
She felt broken, like someone had just ripped her heart out and cut it to pieces, leaving her a sobbing mess on the floor.
She closes her eyes against the hard glare of a foreign star, lets the sadness wash over her, lets the tears fall until there are none left.
She knows what she has to do, what their crew has to do, but right now, in this moment she closes her eyes, imagining herself far away from here, at home in his arms, Anya and Leo close by giggling over something, talking about everything and nothing, just basking in their presence.
Home.
She thinks of home. Her family, her love, her daughter, her grandson.
Thinks of the words Anya had said to her the day she left.
‘S.T.A.Y’
She thinks she should have listened; she should have stayed.
The word haunts her as she prepares to go to the new planet, Matthias in the co-pilot seat looking shaken himself, she wonders how many people he knew had died, decides that she can’t think about it.
Her mind keeps whispering the word to her as she takes the ships controls.
STAY.
She decides that maybe she deserves it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------