Chapter Text
Since you cut ties with the person you love the most. Your days have been passing in a blur. You don’t remember the last time you didn’t cry yourself to sleep.
That who had come in to your life since before you could look out for yourself. Whose sheer presence could soothe your fears. Who had stood beside you all those years, smiling his cheeky smile and ruffling your hair with his endearing crooked fingers.
You had confessed your love to a man like that- tall and handsome with widest shoulders to lean on. One who had always regarded you like a sister. He hadn’t once returned your advances. No matter how bold you became in your chasing.
Always saying, "Y/nah, it's just a crush we all get on our seniors at least once." He'd smiles then and ask if you had eaten, like he didn't just break your heart, unintentionally.
And as much as you had fallen young and hard, you had deemed it natural to give him time. You had understood his reservations and been patient despite your relentless pursuit- never pushing too hard and always looking out for signs of discomfort from his side.
Maybe you would have moved on and tried to give somebody else a chance, had he rejected you explicitly but that was the issue- yes, he reduced your all-consuming love to just a passing crush but he had never stopped you. Never told you no. His ears would turn such a lovely red and he'd look away.
So, the hope of him returning your affections had blossomed and bloomed and grown in to such a thick forest of love that you couldn’t escape even it if you wanted to but you had forgotten that if forests are deep, so are the ferocious fires that burn them.
For you, that devastating wildfire had been the day you had seen the love of your life lock lips with another woman. The beautiful lights suddenly paling as you watched heartbroken.
Skin crawling in disgust, you had waited, standing there in the shadows, naively hoping for him to push her away and act enraged but he didn’t do any of that. Instead, he had motionlessly taken her ministrations against his lips without any complaints.
Your heart dropped and had broken so easily in the face of betrayal that you had to clutch your chest in pain. As tears had cascaded down your flushed cheeks, you cried so hard that you hiccuped. You put a hand to your mouth to make yourself hide and silence your grief but it was too late. In the stillness of the night and privacy they had sought, he had heard you.
His head whipped in your direction fast. His doe eyes that you had adored relentlessly widened in surprise before they quickly lost it to remorse.
Shame and grief made you unsteady on your feet. It suffocated you and you felt like a cornered animal. The instinct to run and hide forever- weighed heavy on your shaking shoulders. The heart breaker you loved had taken steps to approached you but tentatively so. His face sincere.
“I can explain.” Jin raised his hands up and his eyes held a desperation that you refused to read.
"Please." You wanted to laugh, was Kim Seokjin really begging for you like that?
You won’t be naive again lest your run in to his arms again.
“You don’t have to.” Surprisingly your voice holds steady despite the shaking in your limbs and then you run, indifferent to how you look to the wealthy spectators of the prestigious ball where you always went only for him. Dressed up only for him and refused so many dances just so you can have your first with him.
But what did he do? He had been too busy shoving his tongue down another woman’s throat. But was your heartbreak really warranted? You weren’t even together.
The other toxic part of you whispers how you deserved the pain for being delusional. He had never once said yes to your advances.
You sobbed harder, you wanted your mind to be quiet for once.
While you run. You hear footsteps catching up to you. You fastened your pace, uncaring that it was dangerous in the heels you were wearing.
But for you confronting him would be even more fatal.
Lucky for you (or maybe not) you see somebody stop him in for a word as you hastily sit in a cab waiting just outside the venue for somebody else but more money can sway people most often than not.
The vehicle roars to life and you look outside to meet those eyes of Jin as he stares at you just a feet away. On another day, it might have haunted you in guilt but the image of his betrayal burned you with jealousy and wounded you in heartbreak at the same time.
That’s how you went for a week- ignoring calls and messages from him and everybody as you hid at your best friend’s house.
To say Jimin was furious when you sobbed in his shoulder would been an understatement. The angelic man who was popular in his circle for eye smiles and kindness, had his vein in the neck popping out in anger. It took a lot of convincing for him to not to confront his hyung.
Huffing his cheeks in exasperation, he had sat back down and patted your hair and hiding you in his arms- you felt grateful.
Your pretty best friend had entertained your loser antics for four days before he forcefully tugged you out of his guest room. Spoon fed you and gave you a comfort that as always rivaled a mother’s.
In the darkness of the room at night, your mind thoughtlessly wondered yet again that why you chose to fall for an ice prince and not a normal person.
Why you fawned over a man who was so open yet so mysterious?
While you had passed out after eating in the living room, Jimin stared at you, deep in thought. His eyes sharp and mind racing at a fast speed.
Now that he wasn’t blinded by anger, he was able to think a little more rationally and found things not adding up.
In all the time that he had known his Jin hyung, he never seen Jin express interest in anybody else. He had always wondered why he only stared you from afar with eyes, anyone would call whipped. That was why he had never understood his decision of never approaching you. If he has feelings for you, why not have you? Still he hadn’t poked his nose in business not his but he guesses now was the time.
While you slumbered unaware, a smirk tugged at his lips.
When you woke up, the light filters the guest room and you groggily note the change- you slept in the living room you. Grateful at your friend for saving you a back ache, you step out of the room with a mission in mind.
Make a hearty breakfast for Jimin. He deserves it for dealing with your sorry ass.
You felt a little better and you thought maybe you could try harder to be better- seven days and six nights of crying a river should be enough.
You sigh and get to work, almost losing yourself to cooking- you physically stop yourself from remembering all the times you have cooked with him. The squeaky laughter of his as you tried sneaking food in to your mouth or the way his heartbeat felt behind your back when he would have to cage you in his arms to teach you things, you pretended not to know.
You notice how you can't even say his name. It hurts.
You shake your head and decide on pancakes, French toast, fruit bowel and churros along with coffee because Jimin has a sweet tooth and a big appetite.
It's almost an hour in when another pair of footsteps enter the open kitchen.
“You know it’s only you that cooks here. I almost feel bad for spending so much on it.” Jimin murmurs with sleep still clogging his eyes.
You laugh, a little brighter for the first time, finding him adorable with ruffled hair and swollen eyes.
He genuinely mirrors your grin and walks closer inspecting the dishes you put on the table.
“You know take out all the time will kill you. Learn, asshole.” You snicker. He gapes.
“I let you live here for free, care for your sorry ass and that’s how I’m repaid…nice.” He tries to take you in a chokehold but then he gasps when you elbow him in the ribs.
“You mean with delicious food?” You continue teasing, running to the other end of the table.
“You mean delicious food that is made out of my own money?” He sasses and you make a face.
The breakfast passes in a blur and you feel lighter for the first time in days. You really needed this.
Jimin leaves for work in an hour because being topnotch designer demands a lot from him. Then you're alone in his lavish apartment.
You decide to launch in the living room with a book you picked from the shelf Jimin never bothers to read but only bought to look cool.
You snicker finding only eroticas.
You’re reading immersed in the story when your phone dings. Curiously, you pick it only to see Jimin's message.
We’re going to the club. Be ready at eight.
Another bell dings.
P.S: there’s a parcel in my room for you, go check.
-Jimin
5:24 pm
Your first thought is to say no but you decide that a little outing would do you good. You take a deep breath and get up, abandoning the book on the Couch.
Three hours pass in a blur and you stand in front of the long mirror just before the entrance. The black dress which was in the parcel, suited your perfectly. Jimin wasn’t the most sought after designer for nothing. It accentuates your hips making them wider and ends a little before your knees.
Because the dress is so pretty, you do minimal makeup and wear the same black heels of that unfortunate day and you were ready to go.
It’s eight already and Jimin had messaged you to come down. You take deep breath and walk out of the house. He whistles appreciatively at you at first glance. You roll your eyes to hide how flustered you feel.
The drive is fast and short to the nearest club. Unsurprisingly, it’s posh on arrival and entry is only available on membership. Typical Jimin.
The place is fancy and you feel a little under dressed. As if sensing your nerves, Jimin gives you a smile and holds you hand, guiding you to the dance floor. You resist and Jimin pouts.
“You know I don’t like dancing, I’m just here to relax.”
“But…” You shake your head more firmly and he pouts harder.
“It’s okay Jim. Have fun, I’ll be there on the stools.” You give him a nudge towards the dance floor.
A generic music is playing despite the high end status and you sigh. Your sprite feels fresh on your tongue and you watch people having fun. You smile fondly when you catch sight of Jimin who suddenly gets swarmed by women on all sides. You avert your gaze when they start to feel each other up.
Looking around you take in the decor of the club, obviously designed to give a sexy, mysterious vibe. You’re grudgingly start enjoying the music when your brain blanks.
You catch sight of a familiar face. The same face that was plastered to him. Anger and fury pump in your veins when you look at the same woman that was sticking up to Jin’s arms just two days ago, now holding another man’s hands leading him to some place up.
It clearly wasn’t Jin. Despite the low lights you could recognize his silhouette anywhere and you knew for sure it wasn’t him.
All good thoughts of moving on, fly right out of your mind and you get up following her.
You’re discreet or at least you think you are as with light steps you tail her to one of the private rooms she disappears in to.
Fucking bitch! You sneer.
Your heart beats erratically and you contemplate how to confront that sly ass of a woman. But instead of finding any making out sessions as you were upon opening the unlocked door, the room is flooded in dim lights.
A shred of doubt plants a seed and you wonder whether you imagined all that but you had made a mistake- you had stepped in the room and just when you wanted to step out, the door shuts close. You yelp in surprise.
Your bang on the door for help but nobody comes to help.
A voice that sounds oddly like a grunt makes you jump out of your skin. You feel shivers rack your body and you turn around noticing a body, you hadn’t in the dimness of the room.
There sits a man, haphazardly on the couch and he is also mumbling something you don’t understand.
There’s a heavy smell of alcohol in the air and it makes you gag.
However, you’re surprised when the dim lights of the room are exchanged for bright one and that person squints groggily.
It’s like there’s a fault in your stars that you find yourself face to face with that one person you still haven’t worked up the courage to meet or see the numerous messages he sent.
But he looks so disheveled that your heart tugs painfully despite the sour taste of betrayal. He is drunk and the eye bags underneath his shut irises make him look tired.
"Oppa." You whisper walking closer and gently nudging his wide shoulders. At first he doesn’t respond so you try again where he jolts up, eyes wide.
He, however, freezes as if in daze when his gaze lands on you. Weirdly, it feels like as if he is looking past you. The gleam of his brown orbs seem sad.
“Why do I keep seeing you when you’re not real? Please, y/n come back to me.” His subdued voice makes your heart lurch.
What does he mean?
”Oppa, get up. Let’s go home, you have had enough.” You say instead, trying to stamp down any hope that’ll make you even more miserable. That's why you were vary to meet him in the first place- he makes you question what you feel.
“Even your touch feels real.” He says referring to your hold on his arms.
Worry clutches your heart and you fear if something has truly gone wrong.
But you also want to kill yourself when despite your promise to yourself, a seed of a care is still present in your heart. That you still want him to be fine and happy- anything other than this miserable self.
You realize that no words would break his drunk daze so you look around the room and find for him a glass of water and lemon.
Making him drink it though is like spoon feeding a toddler who just moves around and talks too much. Exasperated beyond belief and angry that you have to do this, you take his chin in a hold and empty the contents a little mercilessly.
Maybe it’s the anger speaking but there is subtle satisfaction seeing him splutter.
He has no right to break your heart and then act like he’s the one who's been wronged.
You wait patiently, watching when Jin coming back to himself a little. When the fit is over, there’s a semblance of consciousness in him because he sits up and regards you with recognition and guilty eyes.
You pay him no mind.
The silence goes on for awkwardly long. The thick tension in room is tangible and your survival mode is on. It feels suffocating to be in the same room as him while he watches you without saying anything.
You quietly take out your phone and call Jimin. The bell rings but he doesn’t receive yet again.
Time passes and your desperation increases.
You message Jimin to come to you. All this while you’re too much aware of the stare that bores wholes in your head- you grow agitated.
“What?” You snap but that prick says nothing.
“You are really here.” He sounds awed and you get annoyed.
“No, shit you.” Mutter.
“How are you here?” He asks still a little tipsy. You feel like an idiot for the nth time.
“Why, is my presence so bothersome? Would you rather have someone else instead?" He doesn't respond only looks down with that painful expression that makes you feel guilty for no reason.
"See that is your problem- you say nothing. You keep me chasing after you like a fucking idiot for years but…..” your speech is muffled when a pair plump lips crash on yours. Your gasp surprised that allows him to plunge his unbearably hot tongue in your mouth and any protest that you want to let out halfheartedly is eaten right out of your mouth. He keeps you still and clutches your resisting wrists in his palms.
In your anger, you didn't even see him get up. You don’t have time to wonder, how he was able to cross the space between you two so quick but damn your traitorous heart and mind and body and soul that return his proximity with equal fervor after the initial shock dies as your hands rush to clutch the front of his shirt and Jin wastes no time in circling your waist with his crooked fingers.
You whimper as a new hotness burns in your stomach. There is no space between you two and the feel of his hard body so intimately close to yours, makes you crazy. And the way he grips your body and neck while he manhandles your face to suit his ministrations, show how crazy he is himself.
Air in lungs protest and you both reluctantly part, panting and eyeing each other even he looks like he can't believe what he did. You both flush red- one with past anger and another under tipsiness, you gape wordlessly for a while and look at his ragged yet handsome form- swollen lips and ruffled hair.
Your whole body, however, stills as the reality of what you did comes crashing down.
“You!”
You jab a finger at his chest accusingly but the guy doesn’t flinch, he stares like his gaze alone can burn you alive. Your cheeks burn in embarrassment and blood sings in post euphoria and dread.
You raise fists to push him back but like a block of rock he doesn’t budge, still invading your personal space and hands tracing your hot skin. His crooked fingers on your neck turning to caress the side of it using his large thumb, tracing your jugular vein.
Shiver runs down your body when his inches forward and unlike a kiss that you anticipate, he puts his nose in the crook of your neck and breathes deeply.
This position feels so intimate, something that you had always desired. The flashback of the night of your heartbreak come back and your heart breaks yet again. Tears stung your beautiful eyes and you sniff quietly.
“Why did you do that? Do you like torturing me?” Your questions are defeated and not accusations as your voice looses all its edge.
You couldn’t stop your tears in time and they fall unceasingly. Jin's body slumps in regrets and he comforts you by patting your back.
"I'm sorry." He mouths in the junction of your clavicle.
There’s a faint touch of lips and then Jin is moving back up to face you. You don’t want to fool yourself again but he wears his face open and vulnerable, the sadness in them so palpable. You won't do anything without an explanation but the doe eyes you had loved for so long are finally showing an openness that is unexpected but welcomed.
“I know what you saw that day and as much as I want to defend myself, I can’t. Y/n, I don’t want to lie to you or myself anymore. Nor, do I want to hide what I have in my heart for perhaps as long as you have had the love for me.” He takes a deep breath but his hands don’t leave you as if he fears you’d run away.
Your own eyes sting, he finally said 'love' and not crush.
“When we first met, you were so young just ten years old whereas I was almost an adult, I was sixteen. I had been the youngest until you came in my life. And finally, I had somebody I could care for and I did y/n. I cared for you so much that I was ready to throw myself from a cliff for you but I only saw you as a sister- had to, anything else seemed predatory and evil. I'm six years your senior y/n. And for a long time, it was enough for me to not encourage your advances.
It stings being called a sister by a man you love and it might have shown on your face because Jin cups your cheeks tenderly and lands a chaste kiss on your lips.
“Just listen, okay? There’s more.” He requests and you nod.
“But you grew up fast. I came back from the service at twenty and suddenly you were sixteen, a lot more mature than I was at that age…” he chuckles with misty eyes as his voice starts getting hoarse.
“But you were also bolder and much braver. You were able to profess your love so confidently, so surely. I admired that a lot but it also scared me. So, I thought maybe it was phase- everyone gets crushes on people older than them so I ignored it.I ignored it in hopes that you'll settle in case it was a crush and you'd still be with me- for my feelings did not matter. But I was wrong. Your advances never ceased, in my head I had decided so strongly, choosing to label your feelings as fleeting that I failed to understand my fear Y/n.” His eyes look glassy and his hands on your hands tremble a little. Your heart feels so full yet sad.
“All the relationships, I had seen around me in my life always ended so badly. They got tired of each other and sometimes even hated each other and I... I never wanted to lose to y/n- not to love and not to anything else. I didn't want you to hate me. So, I pushed you way, mocked your love so maybe a little further but you’d always be with me. But fuck me, I was so wrong. A guy in a birthday party of your eighteenth had come. He was tall and polite but he was also in to you. He had made heart eyes and flirted and let me tell you y/n, I hated it that you laughed at him. I hated that he was able to do what I wanted to …”
“Is that why you took me away for a talk where we danced alone in your office. You were jealous.”
A very vivid memory of your 18th birthday, you remember. Jin’s ears and neck tint red and he nods sheepishly.
“I didn’t want to take away your chance to experience life though. You were, are so young and me, Y/n, I have half a decade on you. So, I waited and waited, never truly thinking about being with you. Your smile when I’d get you something or the laughter whenever we went out were enough for me but you see…” he smiles sadly.
“I got greedier. I wanted you as mine officially so I had readied myself to confess…” your heartbeat races. It doesn't feel good.
“I went to your father. I wanted to ask for his blessings, the traditional way but I was wrong to think that I was ready and he reminded me that much.” tears fall from his eyes and your chest hurts. Jin was a man who rarely complains and to see crying is breaking your heart in turn.