Chapter Text
It's not like this is the first time this has happened. In fact, Renjun probably has lost count as to how many times he finds himself coming back to this position all the same.
But somehow, this time, it hits him harder. It's the type that kind of knocks him back to his senses. The type that makes him actually pause himself and look back only to say 'what have I been doing all this time?'.
It's the one that makes Renjun toss himself countless times on the bed because he can't seem to find the right position to sleep peacefully even when he fully knows that peace will only come once he finds his own peace of mind.
The sheets are cold, just like both the sides of his pillows, and just like how he wants it but it doesn't help at all. Renjun tries to close his eyes but all he can see is his studio, and he remembers once more why he can't even step a foot back again to a place he was so at home with. It's painful, it's full of dread, as all roads lead back to what he's been running away from all along.
Renjun pulls his blanket closer to his chest, stretches them over his body.
It was rare. I was there;
I remember it all too well.
Renjun tucks in his hand to the pocket of his cardigan, as if he has tucked in the answers inside them easy for him to reach. It's nothing but just an action out of habit, back when not only a hand occupied them but two hands intertwined instead, sinking deeper into the fabric to find warmth. But old habits die hard, and Renjun, despite all the months of spending solitary time, despite all the heartaches that led him to a dead end, finds it a habit hard to get rid of.
He places his coffee (yes, this is like his alcohol now: a deliberate act to show his willingness to change) on the table by his foyer where his keys and that lonely flower vase lie, refusing to use the hand on his cardigan to open the front door.
Donghyuck greets him once he swings it, Mark trailing behind him while Donghyuck gives him inquisitive eyes.
"I didn't know you two were going to visit me so early in the morning. I would have prepared better for you both." Renjun talks lamely, walking slowly as he leads the way.
Donghyuck finds his spot easily on Renjun's living room, sinking himself unto the couch while Mark just stands awkwardly a few feet away, looking like a sore thumb. It's okay, Mark might look awkward but Renjun knows Mark doesn't feel awkward at all.
"It's already ten in the morning, Jun. And besides, we aren't staying here longer."
Renjun only stays still, mute under the gaze of Donghyuck as he looks everywhere except those two in front of him.
He looks at the guitar sitting by the door near his bedroom, the remote control lying atop the kitchen counter. He sees his cup of coffee in the foyer and realizes that there's no escape.
He knows why Donghyuck and Mark are here.
"We need to talk about your next album."
Renjun sighs, air cold from tiredness creeping down his bones.
"I don't know anymore, Hyuck."
The cardigan he's wearing suddenly feels extra heavy, nibbling and tearing apart its sleeves with his fingers. Renjun only whispers thinly into cold air, his words slipping so soft and raspy.
"I don't want to write stupid love songs again. I'm tired of going over the same thing again and again."
But Renjun is not telling the truth. He'll probably do the same thing over and over again.
Because it's tiring, but it's familiar. It's what he's used to. It hurts, but at least he knows the ending of it all. He knows how to move and how to feel. It's familiar.
Not like the forgotten coffee on his front door, not the reason why he's been trying to drink coffee the past few months only for him to forget it somewhere on the tenth day mark and resume the practice around fifteen days later.
"I don't know if I'll be able to be free myself from this endless cycle. I want to, but I don't know if I can." He finally tells after minutes of silence, honestly this time, he notes. He brings his hand up back again into the pockets of his cardigan.
Donghyuck gives him a look, exhale silent but deep enough for Renjun to notice. He places the paper bag he's been holding all this time and Renjun realizes it's from a breakfast restaurant two blocks away.
"Take that, I'm sure you haven't eaten your breakfast yet." Donghyuck slips a neatly colored cream envelope, stopping right beside the paper bag. "Gowon also invited you to her engagement party. It's three weeks from now, but I'm afraid I might not contact you for quite a long time once again." Renjun winces at Donghyuck's words, fully aware he's cut off any sort of communication for the past two weeks.
And just like that, Donghyuck is on his way to the door. "Contact me once you've decided," and he slips out the living room with ease.
Before Renjun can say anything, a hand ruffles his hair. It's soft and gentle, caring and Renjun would have liked it if only he didn't wanted to be treated so fragile right now even though he knows he should be.
"Don't mind Hyuck. He's just worried about you. We all do." Mark reassures him, that brotherly smile always ever present in his face.
"Remember that he may be your manager and I may be your producer, or well, help you in producing your songs," Mark chuckles to himself. Such a Mark thing for him to do, "but we are still your friends. And friends care for each other, okay?"
Renjun only smiles with dull at Mark, because it's the only genuine smile he can muster.
Mark ruffles his hair once more, "Take care, Jun. We'll be here if you need us." And Mark follows Donghyuck down the front door.
Renjun wonders that maybe this is his curse. He's got a loving family, surrounded with such supportive friends, given the success in career he's always wanted. Maybe love was the sacrifice he needed to pay for all of it. Maybe that's why no matter where he goes, a broken heart is always what he will come back to.
Renjun sees Mark and Donghyuck off in the front door, waving his goodbyes.
Huang Renjun was either two things: the one who gets his heart broken or the one who does the breaking.
And it really didn't matter in the end because everybody knew Huang Renjun as the one who keeps writing songs about heartbreak, the one who topped the charts when he sang about how he danced on the rooftop with this guy one summer and thought 'the gods must have blessed them that night' (and how it all ended two weeks after that, how instead of blessings the gods must have poured disgrace on them instead).
But now it comes to a stop, after years of releasing hit after hit. It's been three months since the public has heard of his latest fallout with an actor and around this time everyone is expecting an album from him. But it never came, even as four more months passed.
Huang Renjun seems to have disappeared from the limelight, radio silence on his end.
Suppose coming to an engagement party after spending months being cooped up in your own home while moping over your own (infamous) heartbreak history is not a good idea, Renjun knows.
There's a bitter taste in seeing someone else get their happy ending while you're over here still stuck in finding yourself after losing so much of it from others that have taken a piece of you for themselves. It's a tough process.
But this is Gowon's engagement party.
Park Gowon is Renjun's first genuine friend ever since he entered the music industry.
She's the one Renjun calls when he just broke up with some dude or vice versa, a tub of choco chip ice cream in her grocery bag when she comes to Renjun's home while they watch sad romantic movies (see: A Walk To Remember). She'd be the one to pat Renjun in the back gently and give him tissues when he's a crying mess already and didn't know if he's crying because of the movie or the break up.
And even more, it's Gowon and Yerim's engagement party.
Because if you were best friends with Gowon, you'd be best friends with Yerim too.
Gowon's longtime sweetheart is anything but kind and sweet. She'd often make Gowon bring food to snack on for the two during Renjun's post-break up movie nights, tupperware of homemade food always sitting on Renjun's fridge for days.
And in the days where he instead goes to their apartment to crash (and burn), she's there like Gowon too, Renjun sitting between them as they share their warmth on his broken soul.
Renjun's glad the late morning sun is warm enough to brighten the venue (it's a garden behind the church Gowon and Yerim played a lot as children), tucking in his suit even further to himself from the cold breeze passing by.
It makes it easier for him to swallow the bitterness in his tongue when everything else around him is bright enough to be happy.
The first thing Renjun does when he enters the party is to look for Gowon and Yerim. Not just either of them, it had to be the two. If they weren't together then Renjun would just have to talk to the two separately.
But luck seems to be on his side when he spots them, talking to their guests together all smiley and giggly as their hands are on each other's waists. Luck has always been on Renjun's side except when it comes to romance.
Just like how he catches Yerim's eyes and they immediately lighten up when seeing Renjun, tugging Gowon by her waist as she motions on Renjun's direction. The smile in Gowon's lips is contagious as soon as she looks at Renjun, and the two are suddenly excusing themselves to go over to him. Renjun giggles at his friends, at the luck he has to have met them.
Yerim crashes unto Renjun's arms first and though the movement was so sudden, it's just as warm as it felt back when the three of them sat together in the couple's apartment. "Hey, I'm the best friend! Why do you get to hug him first?" Gowon's voice has always been soft and dainty but nevertheless years of friendship allowed Renjun to recognize all the mirth and amusement seeping on her words. "Well, technically, I'm his best friend too!" Yerim would reply as Gowon reaches out to Renjun for an embrace.
"Actually, that's one thing I'd like to talk about to you two," Renjun has practiced these words many times, imagined the many situations this could land but the waver in his voice clearly tells he's still nervous as if the words are still somehow lost somewhere in his head.
He holds each of Gowon and Yerim's hands. "I'm so, so happy for the two of you and I'm sorry if I wasn't there to celebrate with you fully even though I'm both your best friend." The two were about to open their mouths when Renjun gives them a look and they immediately stopped, shutting their mouths instead. The three couldn't help but giggle. "Let me finish first, okay?" The two laugh as they nod to Renjun's words anyway.
"I know you're gonna say that you both understand but to me it's all the same. I still feel like a shitty best friend when you both have been there for me when I needed someone the most and yet I can't be there when you probably needed me."
The grip on Gowon and Yerim's hands become stronger and yet Renjun still rubs his thumbs as gentle as he can on their skin.
"But now, I'm here and I just want you both to know, just like I always say, that if you ever need me then I will always be there for both of you." And Renjun breathes out an exhale after that, nodding to the two's direction.
"Renjun, I know you already know but we'll say it again: it's okay," the sunlight behind Yerim and Gowon reflects its glow on the strands of their hair as it shines the ghostly shadows of the couple. Renjun finds it appropriate to find such a magical scene on a joyous occassion.
"In fact, Gowon and I were worried because you were unreachable sometimes." Gowon would only nod at Yerim's words, eyes full of concern like they always do and all of a sudden, different arms envelope Renjun before he even realizes it.
"Renjun, you don't need to prove yourself on being a worthy friend because both of us know you already are. Don't fret on it, okay?" And Renjun only hums, as if that single sound represented all the worry leaving his entire being. Everything is all right.
"Although," Gowon speaks when they pull away from the embrace, looking over to Yerim before continuing, "We would really like it if you join us in our appointments for the wedding preparations sometimes." Huh? Renjun is quite sure he shouldn't be involved with those and maid of honors exist for a reason.
"You see, Yerim and I really wanted to get you as our man-of-honor but we can't decide which one of us is getting you to be our man-of-honor. And it also happened around the time when you were unreachable so there's that," There is caution in Gowon's words, Renjun notices, aware of how she's purposefully avoiding to mention the break up that happened to wreck Renjun's life and evaluate all of his choices.
"Yeah, I bet Jiwoo and Hyeju wouldn't forgive you both either." Renjun finally chooses to say. It's true: Jiwoo would probably whine about it until the wedding day and Hyeju would probably act cool but then sulk in her own corner. Renjun laughs as he thinks about.
And the other two must have caught on, because they also giggle along with him, "What we're trying to say, Renjun, is that even though you're not officially our man-of-honor, we still hope you could help us in making decisions for this big event."
And it's such as small gesture. It would be just Renjun tagging along, but he knows it's more than that: it's how his opinions matter to them, how they put value to his words just as how much they value their friendship with him. It's everything that comes along with it.
The genuine smile Renjun makes is incomparable. It's devoid of pain, one filled with joy and gratefulness, as if Renjun never came to this place with a broken heart in the first place.
"It would be an honor," He would finally say, but the smile stays on his lips.
A voice from the distance interrupts their conversation, and Renjun knows it's time to part for the meantime.
"I think that's a sign for me to find my table. Let's talk more later, okay?" Renjun squeezes their hands one last time, musters all sincerity in his voice to say:
"I'm so glad that you both found your happy endings, I really am."
Because it's true. Renjun means it with all his heart. He'd still say it, no matter how well-put or well-broken his heart is.
Before Gowon and Yerim can reply, Renjun leaves the scene.
It takes quite a while for Renjun to find his table.
It wasn't because he didn't know what his table seat number was (it's Table 1 - Seat 7, written on his letter) but rather it's because he doesn't know where the tables start counting. Does it start in the corner of the venue? Do you start counting as soon as you enter? (or maybe Renjun's just really bad at directions).
After several rounds and a help of a waiter later, Renjun finds Table 1 and it seems like only his seat is left unoccupied. Not everyone is present on their seats but Renjun can see the little trinkets the guests have placed to signify their presence. The two chairs on his right are occupied as well as the seat in front of him.
From afar, Renjun recognizes the man as the one who scouted Gowon at a young age to be an actress. As for the two beside his seat, Renjun might be wrong as he can only see their backs, but it might be the famous couple Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin.
The glimmer of the balloons and ribbons in the stage distracts Renjun as he approaches his table before he hears a voice surprising him. "Mr. Renjun?"
Renjun turns and realizes he's closer to his table than he thought, finding Jeno and Jaemin looking over at him with the most gentle of smiles. Renjun returns the gesture as he bows down and approaches his seat.
"I suppose this is my seat?" He touches the edges of his chair, metal cold to the touch.
"It is. It's finally nice to meet you, Mr. Huang Renjun." Jaemin sets his hand out, in which Renjun politely accepts. A handshake with Jeno soon follows and Renjun finds the contrast of their warm skin to the grip on his chair very welcoming.
"We've heard so many things about you from Gowon and Yerim." He would hear Jaemin say as he settles down his seat.
"Oh, I hope they are all good things." And soft laughter ensues on their side of the table.
"Don't worry, they all are. So how's your next album going so far?"
Renjun thinks if Donghyuck were the one to ask such question, he wouldn't know how to answer. But this is Jeno speaking. He doesn't know if it's a question masking an ice breaker or a genuine question out of curiousity and yet Renjun is sure of one thing: it's a question absent of malice, no hint of shame or demand on them.
And somehow, that was enough for Renjun to let down his walls just a little.
"I'm afraid there's no next album yet," even saying those words feel lighter than Renjun expected them to be, a smile on his face like it didn't haunt him for months.
He hears Jaemin hush a whisper of something like Why would you say that! to Jeno that Renjun couldn't help but giggle. Surprisingly.
"No, it's fine. It can be tiring, you know. I feel like I've already written something on every variation of heartbreak ever known to man," there's something about saying this words right now, without pretense or hurt, just filled with the truth, that makes it easier for Renjun to swallow. It's like he's finally welcoming an unexpected visitor inside his guest house, gave them a cup of tea to keep them warm.
"But all your fans loved it anyways," Jaemin props his elbows on the table, head leaning on his hands, "and you're good at writing it like it's something magical."
"Thank you, that's such a compliment I guess for someone who's been consistent in writing heartbreak songs," the thought of having magical be associated with heartbreak songs wants to make Renjun laugh, but he stops himself. "And true, my fans loved it, but I don't know if I can write more, honestly. It's just kind of repetitive now."
A comfortable silence comes in before Jeno speaks again, "We may have not known you well yet, Renjun, but we've heard enough from Gowon and Yerim."
Damn, there really must be magic in engagement parties; Renjun watches the soft glow of sunlight shower on Jeno and Jaemin's faces, shining in sight as they offer Renjun genuine smiles of hope.
Or maybe this is just how couples work? When they've found love so true they just learn to glow magically like they feel so ethereal to look at?
Or maybe love in itself is magical and Renjun just never knew?
Maybe there could be something magical in heartbreak songs, like Jaemin said.
"We hope you'll find someone that would make you genuinely happy."
Renjun smiles.
"Thank you. I hope so, too."
That old familiar body ache, the snaps from the same little breaks in your soul.
"Hey, Hyuck."
Renjun rings a call to Donghyuck several mornings after the engagement party. He's finally made up his mind.
"I think I'm gonna take a quick break from releasing music for a while now."
He hears Donghyuck sigh on the phone, the breathing static on Renjun's ears.
"I would be lying if I say I didn't expect this, but it's still quite shocking to hear it from you directly." Renjun fiddles his thumb on the handle of his cup, staring outside the window of his living room as morning light soaks him in.
"Thought I'd have to play mind games with you on that one, honestly."
A laugh elicits itself out of Renjun. "Going to Gowon's engagement party really made me feel better. I got to think about a lot of things."
Donghyuck hums. "I know, I can even tell by now that you are at least a bit better than the past few weeks. Guess you only needed some sunlight, huh."
"Hey!"
"I'm still going to keep you up to date with the things you need to know, okay?," Donghyuck interrupts before Renjun could even continue, "For now, take some time off to rest and heal. Watch a show, go to places, I don't know, have fun— but not too much fun that you might get caught in a scandal—"
They both laugh. The statement is even funnier when you consider that Donghyuck, Renjun's manager, is the one who's more fond of parties and clubs between the both of them.
Laughter dies down and Donghyuck, this time, speaks in a soft whisper, "Just take care of yourself, okay? And don't hesitate to call me if you need me."
Renjun stares at the liquid on his cup before sipping on it, bitter warming down his throat but the smile on his lips is sweet.
"I understand— and thank you, Hyuck."
The phone call ends and Renjun finishes his drink, walking to his bedroom as he places the cup down the sink. Now, what was that new sci-fi show everybody's been talking about?
"So you're taking a break for now?"
Renjun hums, not looking away at how his shoes sinks beneath the sand with every step away he takes. It's kind of childish to be giddy about such a little thing, but it's been so long since Renjun has appreciated the beach without having to worry about work or a faraway lover that would always seem to care less about him unlike he did.
In fact, it's been so long since he has nothing to worry about. It's weird for it to feel so free and he's still quite adjusting, but he takes it all as a good thing.
"Yeah. I just couldn't find it in myself to write sad shitty love songs anymore. On a brighter side, I'm doing everyone a favor: I don't need to write, the fans won't have to suffer me singing sad lyrics again, and those news journalists won't have to write me again as 'that artist who keeps on writing songs about his exes so better not date him if you don't want to be next'!"
Yeah. Renjun's definitely tired of the last one.
"Also," Renjun speaks before Jiwoo can interrupt, because he's sure she would have spoken a whole paragraph about how the media has always been wrong about their depiction on Huang Renjun in a Jiwoo-esque manner. And he's already heard that many times already.
"It's great timing that Gowon and Yerim asked for my help in their wedding, so it's a great excuse for me to have a breather and take my mind off the heartbreak or whatever it is that's bothering me instead of the usual 'writing a whole album about it'. I think it's time to find new coping mechanisms."
Their steps are quite slow, dilly-dallying on the sand as they stray further away from the waters.
"I do agree that you need to take a break, Renjun. You've been releasing hit after hit— which are not shitty songs, mind you— and you've been doing that for years! Even the legendary Kim Taeil only released one album the past two years! You sometimes need to relax, Renjun, actually. This is a break well-deserved."
Now that they're just killing time, it's nice for Renjun to be able to just take in the things around him: the blue calming sky that reminded him of his grandma's rocking chair, the flock of birds flying further away to his left, and how Jiwoo is pouting at him as if it can make her point get across better.
"Are you telling me that because you mean it, or because you wanted to have less competition? I know you're gonna release something next month." Renjun quirks in amusement and tease, because he knows it's not the truth, and because he feels light-hearted enough to tease his friend.
Jiwoo only kicks sand on his direction.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Renjun laughs at Jiwoo's gritting face when the sand kicking stops.
"It's kind of a fresh feeling, you know. I like it so far." Renjun digs his shoes deeper into the sand, because he feels like a child wanting to mark his footprints on the ever changing sand. He wants to keep this memory of being free, mark it in his head so he never forgets the feeling.
"And besides—" Their conversation comes to a stop when they hear faint steps on the sand coming towards them. It's Gowon, and she seems to be through talking with the head of the events manager on the beach.
"I'm done! And I think we are in great luck because most of our proposed dates are available." Gowon's breaths are staggered, breathing in the sea-salt air.
"That's great! How about we grab lunch together?" Jiwoo looks over the two with anticipating eyes, gaze fleeting between Renjun and Gowon.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I promised to eat with Jeno and Jaemin in this restaurant they wanted to introduce me."
Gowon stands upright now, breathing finally even after her little jog. "Jeno and Jaemin? Since when have the three of you been close?"
Renjun finds the question funny, but he supposes it is indeed a surprise when your friends whom you have no recollection of meeting each other suddenly hung out together.
"We sat beside your engagement party, remember?," Renjun can see the braincells in Gowon's head click, "We kind of became good friends after that and now here we are."
Renjun's phone rings on his pocket. "Oh, I think that's them. I'm heading first!"
And besides, Renjun echoes in his head as he jogs back to his car, turning back once more to wave at Jiwoo and Gowon to bid his goodbyes. He thinks Gowon mouths an I'll text you when we'll meet next time! at him but Renjun's not sure.
I think it's time for me to stop looking at love as how I experienced it and see it's magic on others.
I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end.
Renjun orders himself a cheesy lasagna.
Cheese, as weird as it sounds, holds an emotional attachment to Renjun. As a child, their family cupboard would be filled with boxes of mac-and-cheese so his mother could easily cook it for him when he's got a bad grade at his science class or if he fell and scarred during an intense game of his class' soccer game (Renjun loved the idea of sports but performance-wise? He just couldn't vibe.)
During his teenage years, he'd have a string cheese on his hand either when he's watching the TV or on his desk writing lyrics for a song he thought only he would hear, not something for the whole word to jam on.
(It's even funnier if you think how his mother ordered a grilled cheese sandwich for her first date with Renjun's father and craved for cheese consistently when she was carrying Renjun.)
Which brings us back as to why he's sitting beside Jeno and Jaemin in this unfamiliar restaurant, freshly baked lasagna on his plate covered with creamy yellow-white on top.
They stare with wide-eyed gazes towards Renjun as he takes his first bite of the food, excited and expecting and with a sense of innocence that makes Renjun slowly unhinge parts of himself. It should be unnerving, alarmed even to feel this way to people who are barely strangers to his life but Renjun can't find it in himself to care (or maybe he doesn't want to).
Those thoughts fly away however when the taste of the food finally processes in his head, his eyes lighting up and the other two's smiles growing wider and wider.
"This is so good!" Renjun lets the cheese melt on his mouth, a familiar unfamiliar taste lingering.
"Right?" Jaemin's grin is so wide and so beautiful, probably because of his amazing set of pearly teeth (Renjun's half convinced Jaemin's supposed to be a model but decided to change career paths last minute), but also probably because it showed nothing but joy and giddiness. In fact, Jaemin was so giddy to the point that Renjun can feel their table slightly vibrating. It makes Renjun laugh a little.
Jeno places a hand on Jaemin's thigh to stop him but Jeno himself is trying his best not to giggle, leaning on Jaemin's shoulder as his eyes go full-on crescent moons. Their scene paints a picture of two lovers basking in a child-like naivety in Renjun's eyes.
"What? Can't I be happy recommending something to a friend?" Jaemin is already pursing his lips at point, but it's really hard to tell if he's pouting if he's trying so hard not to smile. It's a look that makes it seem like we've known each other for so long, Renjun notes.
Renjun doesn't even know what to think about it, but then again maybe he doesn't need to. It seems easier that way.
"Thank you. I think at any point I might be a regular at this place." Renjun chooses to say instead, using his fork to slice a piece of his food.
Jeno tilts his head sideways to take a forkful of spaghetti down his mouth, a habit Renjun noticed back at the engagement party, "They serve great pizzas here too, the cheesy kind, if we go by your preference."
And Renjun laughs, mirth lying underneath the folds of his chest. "I've got a feeling. The amount of pizza emojis Jaemin sent kind of gave it away."
And the talk goes smooth, just like that. It's not really hard to talk with Jeno and Jaemin when they've already exchanged a few messages for weeks now. They talk about Stranger Things and strawberries on their table, warm food on their mouths and fizzy drinks on their lips as the rush of the busy afternoon restaurant runs like a blur amidst their conversations. It's all new to Renjun but something about it feels like home, like a safe place he just discovered.
"How did venue hopping with Gowon go?" Jaemin asks as he takes a bite of his garlic bread, Jeno on his side with his mouth open as he waits.
"It's going well. The beach we just visited was very calming and pretty. Gowon liked it a lot." The words comes out automatically out of Renjun but his attention is on the way Jaemin places the last bite of his bread on Jeno's mouth, cooing at the sight of his lover biting at the bread as he slowly backs away.
It's fond, it's quiet, it's the kind of love that doesn't need to be said.
It's the love that Renjun can look over and smile at fondly.
It was something he was never able to pinpoint ever since he met Jeno and Jaemin, but as he takes another bite of his lasagna with the cheese finding its place in his mouth, Renjun thinks he's finally found the right words.
This is warm. This is comfortable.
Everybody knows Lee Jeno and Na Jaemin's love story. Okay, maybe not really.
But everybody knew of how a top male actor fell in love with one of the most amazing photographers in the industry when they once worked on a project together.
Everybody knew because they were so transparent about it— and not in the my-boo-seven-types-of-heart-emojis Instagram posts way.
It showed in simple interviews, in questions from the reporters and insiders; how their eyes sparkled, smiles turning wide when they hear their lover's name.
It's in their funny Twitter posts, the short Instagram stories that never fail to pass by on Renjun's feed because either Gowon or Yerim manages to share them (because, indeed, some of them are funny).
And now that Renjun has a front row seat to it that he can finally see it all.
Jaemin and Jeno like to gravitate to each other. Spaces in between them are always scarce and it's easy for one of them to put an arm around the shoulder or a hand on the thigh of the other. They can find each other's voices from across the room and sense each other's presence even from their backs.
And they all do it so naturally.
Even now, as they walk into the woods with ice cream in their hands (which, by the way, Renjun thinks is an insane decision from Jaemin on such a cold day but lets it slip; it's the fun kind of insane anyway) that Renjun can see it crystal clear.
Jaemin leans unto Jeno's side as Jeno mentions a funny side comment along their conversation, his silent laughter easily welcomed by Jeno as he leans in too as if Jeno has seen this face of Jaemin a million times and in those million times he's found that he loved it all the same. It's natural, it's something they both don't have to think about and second guess. Renjun is absolutely sure they don't even notice doing it.
Renjun has always been envious of it, you know.
He's seen it between Jeno and Jaemin, between Gowon and Yerim. He's even seen it between Mark and Donghyuck who aren't even dating yet, fucking hell when are they getting together.
And Renjun knows it's never easy like that in the first place, that all of it took baby steps to get used to the rhythm of having the spaces in you that you never knew existed being filled.
But Renjun, in the countless relationships he had, never felt like that was the case. After all, no one ever had the courage to do that for Renjun in the first place, to weave pieces of love in the littlest of things. So Renjun always hid the spaces inside of him just for him to keep, always empty and unfilled.
"How about you, Jun?"
Renjun turns to his side as both Jeno and Jaemin give him expecting gazes, and it's so honest that Renjun compels to be nothing but honest to them as well.
"Hmm? I'm sorry, I didn't catch your question."
"How about you? How would like to describe the idea of love?"
Silence.
Renjun stops walking, and the two stop too.
Silence.
"Wait, I'm sorry was that a sensitive question? You don't have to—"
"Love to me has always been passionate." The look on Jeno and Jaemin's eyes are full of things that Renjun can't quite fully decipher. Something about being curious, something about being shocked, all of it being honest.
"You know how people say that loving someone means seeing things in slow motions and fast forwards? Well, I've only seen it in slow motions."
Renjun starts walking again, and the two follow.
"I've only always found love in the moment, in the highs and the adrenalines. Love is found in sparks and in the excitement of being held. It's in flashing dazzling smiles, in the way the eyelashes would flutter." Renjun walks with lightness in every step, and it's so different from the way Jeno and Jaemin's feet are like being dragged to the ground.
"Love has always been attraction at first sight for me and even if it weren't, they weren't long enough to stay with me in the first place."
The ice cream in his hand is cold, as cold as the breeze of this winter day, as cold as the past relationships Renjun has been looking back.
"Love to me is short and sweet that I never really got to experience looking forward to a future with it. So I always learn to hold on to the slow motion parts."
He quickly turns his head to the side as soon as his peripheral vision is morphing an image of Jeno and Jaemin opening their mouths, because Renjun knows what they're about to say.
"And I know," He says a little too loudly, "That love isn't supposed to be like that, that it is definitely something more. I know," and in the next words Renjun's voice comes out like a little whisper to the air. "I know that more than I should."
"But that's how I always felt it. And that, I cannot ignore as well."
Renjun doesn't know if his words comfort or satisfy the two enough, but it must be somehow enough that Jaemin leans over to his direction from Jeno's other side.
"For what it's worth, Renjun, I think I would have believed that love is such a beautiful thing while listening to you if it weren't for the fact that I'm already in love to begin with. You have a way with words."
And in between them Jeno snickers, "Isn't that why he's one of the greatest artists of our time?"
And somehow it's easier to delude Renjun that he's warm despite the ice cream in his hand and the chilly breeze of the forest when they share a soft laughter together, their voices echoing for the forest to remember.
It's warm enough for Renjun to hope, to whisper one more wish for the forest to know, probably even grant.
"Maybe one day, I can finally write songs about love in a way I haven't known it, in a way I wanted to know it. Hopefully."
It's warm enough for Renjun to hope, that when Jeno links their arms together (without his own ice cream falling) so the three of them are connected that Renjun feels like clinging unto Jeno's words as he says,
"Don't worry, Renjun. We'll make sure you'll never find love so bittersweet again. Jaemin and I will protect you."
All I know is you held the door, you'll be mine and I'll be yours.
Time flies by easily when you don't pay attention to it, and Renjun knows you don't have to be a full-time singer writing your own songs or an assistant organizer (yes, he claiming this title now as he should) to an extravagant wedding to know that.
But somehow in between scheduling his appointments with Yerim and Gowon on certain weekdays to helping design the little details like the invitation cards or the color choices of the curtains that Renjun finds it hard to grasp the concept of time fleeting before he even notices that it's gone. It's like no matter how much he tries to tell himself that 'oh, the days are flying by so fast' he can't find it in himself to panic or worry, letting it slip by his grasp because he can't seem to care.
And as he looks at the caller ID of the person calling him right now that he remembers it's even easier to let himself stop caring for time, like he's got all the luxury in the world to waste it.
There's a sense of rush when Renjun accepts the call but he can't seem to think too much about why he suddenly did.
"Jaemin!" The name slips out of Renjun in a voice just a little bit higher than he expected, partially because he can't deny that he is indeed excited to hear from Jaemin, partially because his cheeks are spread so widely from smiling that it's affecting the way words slip out of his mouth.
"Hello!" Jaemin's voice matches Renjun's enthusiasm and it does nothing to stop Renjun from imagining Jaemin's face with his commercial-perfect smile, pearly white teeth and all.
"I called you because I know you and Jeno are together right now," Renjun swings his feet from his high chair, releasing the extra excited energy inside him as he listens to the voice coming from his phone, "but please do tell Jeno to get my coffee too. I haven't gotten my daily drink yet since this morning."
There's an image of Jaemin sulking in Renjun's head right now, and it makes Renjun laugh, the kind that bubbles up deep in your throat.
It takes a second for him to turn around and look for Jeno at the counter, tucking in his own wallet down his jean pockets as one of the cashiers silently gawk on him. Renjun guesses that despite working in a neighborhood where celebrities walking around is normal, you really still can't avoid being starstruck.
There are three large cups of drinks in his tray, one of them prepared for take-out. Renjun turns back to face the window, "You're lucky you and Jeno have telepathic abilities. He's already ordered it for you before you even called."
The warmth of the morning sun seeps through the glass of the coffee shop as Renjun listens to Jaemin snicker and decides that he likes the feeling of it hitting his skin. Renjun's pretty sure it's around ten in the morning now, but it's been so long since he's got the habit of checking his watch routinely.
"Well then, see you both later?" Jaemin says it as if he's asking, but to Renjun it sounds more of a promise Jaemin knows will be fulfilled. The certainty in his voice transcends over the question.
"Uh huh! See you!" And Jaemin must have liked the way Renjun sounded, because Renjun hears Jaemin laugh in response, the kind that seem to have come from his heart rather than his throat, deep and rich. It takes a second after the call ends that Renjun realizes how fond it sounded.
The end of his conversation with Jaemin allows Renjun to hear the song calmly playing in the speakers of the cafe more clearly, and finds out it's one of his favorite songs. And so he hums along the melody, because he feels like it; because he finds himself enjoying the song more than he usually does.
"I saw you talking on the phone earlier. Was it Jaemin?" Renjun whips his head to his side as soon as he hears Jeno's voice, and Renjun finds himself a little bit amazed at how he immediately knew it was Jeno.
There's something about Jeno's eye smile that makes it infectious, and maybe the smile that's already plastered on Renjun's face isn't helping but Renjun practically grins as he nods, watching Jeno place the drinks on the table. He hears a quiet giggle from Jeno and Renjun thinks the sound of it kind of reflects something inside him too but he's busy enjoying his drink, combination of matcha and small shards of ice landslide in his tongue.
Jeno practically leans on the table as he supports his head with his hand and elbow, his position facing Renjun. Jeno's eyes look at him soft and attentive, it's one of those that makes Renjun self-conscious but not quite: he knows he's being looked at, being observed but he doesn't mind it at all because it's Jeno. In fact, there's a part of Renjun that relaxes at the gaze because it's Jeno.
"You seem too happy the past days. What's with the change?" The way Jeno says it feels too personal for Renjun that it feels like Jeno went inside his head and chose to spoke the words in Renjun's stead. He feels like an open book, something Jeno read before Renjun himself can recognize his own words. It's vulnerable but the good kind, the kind where Renjun wants Jeno to read more of him, for him.
"Why, can't I be happy because I'm spending a lot of time with my friends?" Renjun's voice is teasing, filled with lilt and amusement even though he knows the only one that's gonna end up being teased is him.
And the teasing comes.
"Oh, do Jaemin and I make good company for you when you're not busy?" Jeno's shoulder softly nudges into Renjun's and Renjun realizes quite a little late that his seat and Jeno's are too close to each other and he wonders for a split second how he's never noticed it up until now. (He doesn't really think about it, actually. It's comfortable, he can't find it in himself to care about the hows and the whys.)
"I do, actually," Renjun's voice is raw and gentle and this time, he feels like he's the one reading his own open book for Jeno to listen, "I kind of forget the rest of the world when I'm with you both."
Jeno doesn't move away from the touches of their shoulders, choosing to lean unto Renjun instead. Jeno is a comfortable presence, and Renjun feels a little too happy to question the action or think about it too much, so he lets Jeno indulge on it.
I said I'm fine, but it wasn't true; I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you.
"Just," Hyejoo stirs her drink with her straw, and its motion is slow enough for Renjun to see her reflection swirling on the liquid. The way she stares at him is particularly not one filled with ill-natured intentions nor prejudice, and he would have known that already because Hyejoo is anything but frank, the type that leaves no filters.
Still, it's the type that makes Renjun uncomfortable, sharp enough that he is compelled to pull away from the gaze, "you have to be careful."
Renjun stands up from his seat with shaky feet, holding himself on the table as he convinces himself that, no, whatever Hyejoo is implying isn't true, and that no, there is nothing Renjun should be worrying about because he's got everything under control.
"I just don't want you to be hurt again, Renjun."
The ground beneath his feet still feels like it's trembling, and Renjun is begging that they would stop feeling so.
His reflection on his own half empty drink catches his attention, and as he looks back at his own eyes, Renjun can't even lie to himself that he only sees dread.
"Okay." He finally says. "I will."
And Renjun doesn't need to look at Hyejoo nor hear from her to know that she knows his words are half-baked.
He murmurs a goodbye underneath his breath so he doubts Hyejoo heard his farewell but at this point if Renjun was given the chance to run away he would have done so already, even when he knows it's no use.
When he pushes the glass doors, he remembers why so.
Standing in front of him is Jaemin, and Renjun knows that no matter how far he runs away he'll always come back here.
"You ready?" There's nothing hidden in Jaemin's words, Renjun knows enough that it's just for the car ride, or for the movie night at Jeno and Jaemin's place. Renjun knows Jaemin doesn't mean anything else.
That doesn't stop Renjun from thinking otherwise, like it's a question for something bigger than it implies, something that scares Renjun.
"Yes," he whispers, a final answer. And somehow that seems scarier.
For the first time since he's been with either Jeno and Jaemin that Renjun has felt his feet so heavy, like he's uncertain every step forward. Jaemin isn't facing him right now and Renjun thinks that its the best for him, because he would have easily known the oddness in Renjun— in his walk and in his face, because Jaemin and Jeno have somehow grown to be good at reading him. That, he has to think about too, more than he's been doing.
When he's in the passenger seat, Renjun's phone pings. He checks and learns that it's a message from Jeno. There's an uncomfortable feeling in Renjun's gut when he sees it, because he's suddenly aware that he can't stop the happiness nor excitement that comes automatically along with it.
jeno^^ should we watch avatar or binge watch brooklyn 99??? :3 [received 05:36:12pm]
It's easy for Renjun to hear a familiar sound when he sees the message, one that should really be familiar to someone who spent so much time with Jeno you'd already heard him make the noise when he doesn't understand something. Jeno's far from confused in his message, but it's not stopping Renjun from remembering it. It doesn't stop him from finding it endearing, either.
There's a giggle stuck in Renjun's mouth that he's hesitant to release, because it would mean that whatever he was fighting for would start to crumble down, because Renjun liked the memory of Jeno a little bit too much.
He really shouldn't be liking it that much.
The pressure in his fingers shouldn't be that eager as he types his own reply but Renjun doesn't even notice it until he hits send.
jeno^^ does it matter? youre gonna fall asleep halfway anyway xD [sent 05:37:03pm]
Renjun's hands fall into his lap and he tries his best to focus on something else outside the window: may it be a bird on an electric post, a random stranger walking down the sidewalk, anything.
Because if he's gonna stare at his phone a little longer, he's gonna have time to look at his reflection on the blank screen and think over the flush on his face, the goofy grin on his lips and Renjun thinks he shouldn't be overthinking about such things.
Wait, scratch that.
Renjun knows he must not be overthinking on such things.
(He imagines the giggles he's been suppressing are to come out soft and fluffy if they ever do, and as much as Renjun wants to hear it, it's more reason for him to stop it.)
jeno^^ >:(( meanie </3 [received 05:38:40pm]
jeno^^ oh yeah jaemin and i made you mac and cheese!! :D [received 05:38:52pm]
Thumbs hover the keyboard in a way that it just floats atop, uncertain. Renjun's breathing is even, and he holds unto it as a source of internal balance while his mind is tilting itself off axis, somehow always finding its way back to the one thing he was running away from.
Jeno's message isn't supposed to make Renjun feel so vulnerable, so seen and cared for. At least not like how Renjun feels it intensely as it is now, not like Renjun laid the bare minimum of himself to them and they took every piece of it for them to dissect.
Because to be cared and to be seen is what friends do.
Somehow, it feels like that doesn't seem to be the case.
"You've got another appointment, too?" Hyejoo would ask Renjun while sipping on her tall glass. It can be easy to dismiss her voice as something that's always monotonous, but Renjun's known Hyejoo for years that he's distinguished the voice she makes when she's telling you information versus when she's trying to tell you off.
"Yeah. I told Jaemin he can pick me up here so we can go to their place together." It's an off-hand comment— and as it should be: Renjun's busy typing on his phone to schedule certain days because he has to accompany Gowon and Yerim. If he focused enough, Renjun can still make out the outline of their figures walking away from this place half an hour ago, bidding their goodbyes as the glass doors open.
"Oh," comes out from Hyejoo's mouth and this time Renjun recognizes the tone enough for him to look up from his phone. It's cunning, perceptive, like it's hiding something.
Renjun raises his brows, "What?"
Sipping from her drink, Hyejoo pulls away as she pushes back her lips, a mysterious grimace on her face that Renjun cannot decode as she says, "Nothing."
"Spit it out."
"I told you, it's nothing."
"Your face says otherwise."
There's something in Hyejoo's face that Renjun cannot pinpoint, like there's a secret that they share and she's expecting him to know. But Renjun doesn't.
It doesn't take long before Renjun hears the dejection out of Hyejoo's lips, exhale breathing out her mouth.
"I've heard the three of you have been spending a lot of time together these days."
It only takes a sound of something clicking for Renjun to be distracted, but when Jaemin comes into view, placing himself so comfortably in the driver's seat as he enters the car that Renjun wonders if it's better to be drowning in his own thoughts instead.
He knows either of those will lead to the same end.
"Jeno told me you both prepared mac and cheese." Renjun wonders if Jaemin can hear the lack of confidence in his words, hiding itself in a form of teasing but even to Renjun sounds absent of tease. Was it a question or a confirmation? He doesn't know it either.
When Jaemin faces him with that wide grin of his, Renjun finds it harder to find the difference between what he's supposed to believe and what he actually wants to believe, "Yeah, we did! Oh, wait— "
It takes a second for Renjun to realize that his and Jaemin's face are so close to each other and although it's registering somewhere in Renjun's head that Jaemin is reaching out for Renjun's own seatbelt, he isn't entirely focused on that information.
He's processing how Jaemin is okay with such close distance between them.
"You said it was your favorite, right? We remember you telling that story with you and your mother." Jaemin locks the seatbelt on his side, wiggles it as if making sure that it's giving that layer of protection Renjun thinks he doesn't really need because Jaemin has always been a safe driver. "So we wanted to prepare it for you."
Renjun's processing how he is okay with the close distance between him and Jaemin, comfortable even.
"I've heard the three of you have been spending a lot of time together these days."
Renjun raises a brow. "And?"
Even when Hyejoo is crossing her arms, Renjun is still having a hard time reading between the lines.
"Really, Renjun?" And Hyejoo mirrors Renjun, as if she's expecting him to get it anytime now.
And Hyejoo was right, just as she almost always is because Renjun is starting to realize the hidden words of what Hyejoo is actually saying.
And when he realizes, he realizes hard.
He never considered it a possibility, never looked at everything in a different lens. Even when there so many signs that could have said otherwise, Renjun never paid attention. After all, there was no reason for him to do so.
And maybe, Renjun should have done a double take.
"No— it's not like that, Hyejoo. Nothing is going on," are the words that come out of Renjun's mouth but they all sound so distant. Is it bad that even before he says it he knows it's gonna sound so far away from his ears?
Hyejoo, perceptive and straightforward as she always is, can only sigh as she says, "Are you convincing me, or are you convincing yourself?"
This time, Renjun answers honestly: a loud silence on his end.
Is it bad that he's finally starting to see the bigger picture?
"This is not gonna end well, Renjun, if it doesn't go your way."
And Renjun remembers a specific memory from the past, in Gowon and Yerim's apartment but it's Hyejoo and Yerim surrounding him.
It's a set of tears the three of them kept as a secret.
"You know this better than I do. It destroyed you more than you expected."
And it can destroy you again, is what Renjun hears after even though Hyejoo doesn't say it.
"I don't want you to experience your biggest heartbreak again, Renjun. You've cried enough for you to go through it once more."
And somehow putting it into words makes it even more real, makes it more of the truth Renjun doesn't want to admit.
"Don't worry about me. That's not the case. It won't happen again." Renjun chooses to say, because he has no intentions of letting himself admit to it. Somehow, the words are both strong and weak: strong in tone and intonation, weak in conviction.
"Just," Hyejoo stirs her drink with her straw, and its motion is slow enough for Renjun to see her reflection swirling on the liquid. The way she stares at him is particularly not one filled with ill-natured intentions nor prejudice, and he would have known that already because Hyejoo is anything but frank, the type that leaves no filters.
Still, it's the type that makes Renjun uncomfortable, sharp enough that he is compelled to pull away from the gaze, "you have to be careful."
Jaemin looks at Renjun one more time, one hand on the steering wheel and the other on the car keys hanging.
"You ready?"
It's the same question earlier, and it still feels like it's a heavier question than it should be.
"Yes." And this time, Renjun lies.
Renjun has been lying ever since the beginning.
Because he might be acting deaf, but he is certainly not blind.
There's something in the way the lights in the TV screen makes Renjun feel like a child again: how the colors in motion are so vivid they kind of swirl and blend in your head, how it sucks all the light from the darkness it contrasts, how it's kind of a combination of the two.
And yes, Renjun knows it's a bad habit to watch a brightly lighted screen in full darkness, but it's the best way to enjoy the experience, and Renjun thinks it's a bad habit he can indulge.
But when Jeno places an arm on his side of the sofa, there's a feeling of protection and comfort altogether that wraps the insides of Renjun he can't help but lean into the back of the couch, and he tells himself that this is not one of those bad habits he could indulge, even though he can't help it.
And when he catches Jaemin catching a glimpse of Jeno's arm as he stays mute with a small smile in his face, Renjun wonders for a while that maybe it is okay to indulge after all.
When Renjun entered the industry, one of the first things he learned was that there are four things the limelight can take away from you: privacy, identity, freedom, and time. The first three he found out immediately for the most obvious reasons. The fourth one Renjun had to realize along the way.
Time, Renjun thinks, is something that shouldn't be wasted unlike Jaemin who sacrifices his day off when he found out Renjun was sick. It kind of makes Renjun want to punch Jaemin in the face mentally because he thinks a 'get well soon!' message would have sufficed and there was no need for him to come over to Renjun's place just to take care of him. (But Renjun is physically weak as of the moment, and he doesn't actually have the heart to hurt Jaemin so he punches his mattress lightly instead.)
Yet when Jaemin's wiping his forehead as he's brinking himself off to sleep, he hears Jaemin saying Jeno is coming after his movie shoot and Renjun finds a thought somewhere in his head that taking care of a sick Jaemin or Jeno won't be a waste of time for him at all. He closes his eyes after.
Renjun can conclude that Jeno and Jaemin are great listeners.
They're not afraid of conversations that aren't small talk, and they don't mind having an existential crisis at two in the afternoon just because they might have concluded that aliens probably exist.
But there are times when Renjun finds himself engrossed on talking too much, sometimes about the world, sometimes about himself, and it would be kind of too late for him to realize that Jaemin and Jeno are leaning too close to him, with the spaces between them almost nonexistent and the eyes of the two glistening so blindly at Renjun's words. Sometimes a hand or two would lie somewhere on Renjun's arm or thigh.
It would also be too late for Renjun to realize that the reason why he realizes too late is because he likes it anyway. He likes all of it.
When everything's finally laid down for him to see, all Renjun could do was lie.
Because you see, here's the thing with Huang Renjun: he's either the one who gets his heart broken or the one who does the breaking.
And Renjun has seen this story before.
He knows how it ends.
And it didn't matter if Renjun's going to be the one to have his heart broken or if he's going to break their hearts.
Renjun's not ready for that part yet, he doesn't think he ever will. He will never be ready to lose them.