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You are in Miss Dowling's arms and she has no idea how the hell she got into this situation.
No, okay; she does know.
You are Alfea's brightest graduate, and it didn't come as a surprise to Farah when one of your professors offered you an apprenticeship.
You had accepted, and at some point during autumn she had asked if you were interested in the Headmistress' assistant position.
She knows now that was a mistake. But how could she have guessed that spending more time with you would have awakened emotions that she hadn't felt in years?
Not that she is planning to act on her feelings, of course. That would be totally unprofessional. Not to mention that, even though you aren't her student anymore, you're still way younger than her. And, on top of things, her assistant.
At the moment, however, she is privately thinking that having you clinging at her chest isn't exactly helping her resolution.
She knows you have had a bad day, everyone noticed; and a drop must have broken the vase. There is an official party going on in the main hall this evening, and no one had seen you for at least an hour.
She had found you on the balcony near her office, under the rain, while the storm was infuriating, messing up the tree tops and slamming the suites' shutters.
You had been trembling, because wearing party clothes to face a storm at the end of the solarian autumn is never a good idea.
You had been trembling and crying under the rain. She still isn't sure if the drops flowing on your face are tears or rain.
She had looked into your eyes, and she had understood that you had needed to be comforted.
So here she is, arms around you, her mind fully aware of the soft curves of your body pressed against her, arousal and terror fighting for dominance.
"Maybe you should go back to the party. Everyone was wondering where you were. And I'm sure there's more than one gentleman who would be very happy to distract you from these unfortunate thoughts about your bad day."
"Gentlemen? Who, the students? Please, they are just kids."
"They are around your age."
"I don't care about the party, anyway."
You look up and search for her eyes. "Headmistress... this is where I want to be. In your arms" you say softly before leaning forward and brushing your lips against hers.
You can feel her stiffen even more.
She gently pulls you away. Her body is protesting that your lips against hers are exactly what you both need, but she doesn't listen.
She will force herself to take her hands away from you. She will speak quietly and explain why this is not allowed; she will behave like a grown woman, a teacher, should do.
She opens her mouth, but before she can say anything you blurt out: "I love you, Farah."
You see her fists clenching.
"You... are not in love with me" she says, and her tone is as hard as the rock you feel your heart has become. "You are in love with the idea you have of me... and it's a pretty edulcorated idea. You are a kid, and I was your teacher until a few months ago."
"Headmistress... no. Farah," you begin "I have waited, because I knew it would have been a problem for you. Me being a student, I mean. And even now that I am not, believe me, I don't expect you to return my feelings. But... please, don't say I don't love you."
"I think I should find a new assistant" is her only reply.
Hard, merciless. There is no other way. Either this, or she will give in and tell you that she is crazy in love with you, unacceptable as that is.
"No!" you reply, desperate. "Please! You know how much I enjoy helping you!"
"I'm sorry, but given the circumstances it wouldn't be-"
She pauses, and after a few miserable seconds you complete for her: "Appropriate. I know."
--
The rest of the year passess quickly.
Farah is always kind, but distant; and she barely speaks with you, anyway.
Your apprenticeship tutor asks repeatedly why your light has gone out; but you never answer. You're studying as hard as ever, if not harder; so, after a while, he stops asking.
As soon as the school year is at its end and your apprenticeship is succesfully concluded you leave for Linfea.
You search for a job there, trying to build a new life and forget Farah Dowling. She didn't even say anything to you about your apprenticeship, beyond the official congratulations in front of everybody.
Then, a year later, your ex tutor invites you to Alfea to give a lecture to his advanced class. You take time, but after a lot of thinking you decide that you have to go.
You don't want to disappoint him; and it will do you good to see Farah after all this time. Maybe meeting her could finally end these ridiculous feelings that you still have for her.
You don't see her when you arrive at the school, and you don't know if you're relieved or disappointed.
You don't have time to decide, because she is waiting for you in front of your tutor's classroom right after your lecture.
"I wanted to thank you for the opportunity you've given to our students today" she says after a stiff formal greeting.
You don't know it, but she is having troubles not to stare at the shoulder that your linfean kimono leaves naked. She tries to focus on your hair, but her fingers tingle with desire to run through it. It looks so soft...
She knows all too well from that infamous evening that it's better not to look in your eyes.
She is so distracted by the problem of not looking at you that she doesn't notice she has authomatically invited you to her office, just like she usually does with every other visiting professor.
You throw her a look of surprise; but she doesn't correct herself, so you accept and follow her.
She prepares some tea and asks you about your life and your new position on Linfea.
You don't know if it's the tea, but you can see her relaxing as you talk, and the conversation flows pleasantly. It feels almost like when you still hadn't said anything, when you were her assistant and your love for her was still a secret.
You can't stop the warm smile that blossoms on your face.
"Gods, Farah... I've missed this so badly. I mean... this" you say, waving your hand between the two of you.
She does not go beyond a stiff nod that feels like a stab.
"Are you going back to Linfea today?"
"Actually my cousin has been inviting my at her place for ages. I thought I could spend a few days with her. At least she... appreciates my presence" you can't avoid saying.
The Headmistress sighs. "I do appreciate your presence. I just- I didn't expect you to ever come back after the way I treated you, to be honest."
You gape at her. "Wait. So you admit you-"
"I shouldn't have dismissed your feelings like I did. Young or not, you were entitled to have feelings, and it was not my place to doubt them. For that, I apologize."
"But only for that?"
"What else should I apologize for?" she says, sincerly surprised.
"I know you felt something when I was in your arms, Farah."
She stays silent and looks away.
"Why do you think I came back?" you ask softly.
She stares at you. "I have no idea."
"That's not true."
"Because you wanted to be kind to your old tutor?"
She is watching you with incredible intensity, and this time you notice how her eyes linger on your naked shoulder.
"I received a marriage proposal."
You hear a loud noise and you jump up.
Farah has just dropped her tea cup.
The floor where you once kneeled hugging each other is covered in shards of ceramic.
She curses under her breath as she uses a spell to clean the carpet, her eyes lighthing up. Gods, you had forgotten how beautiful she looks when she does magic.
"Congratulations" she manages to say next second.
"I am not getting married" you reply, amused, and she stares at you again.
"You just said someone proposed."
"Yes" you chuckle. "And I did not accept."
Farah's cheeks are reddening and you can see that she's angry now.
"What game are you playing?" she asks, her voice hoarse.
You suddenly feel guilty and you blink twice, trying to find the right words.
"No, I... it was just... I'm not getting married” you say. “I don't want to get married" you add quickly. "There's this person... he has been very helpful to me when I first arrived on Linfea. He's a friend, I am fond of him. But... I don't love him, so I said no."
"And how does this explain why you accepted to come back at Alfea?" she continues, her rage clear in her eyes and voice.
"It's just that I thought..." you hesitate, then you force yourself to keep going. "I thought I couldn't be there receiving marriage proposals from people I don't love when the only person I want is... still... you. When Kalshar proposed the one thing I had in mind was that I felt as out of place as I had felt at that party. And that the only place I wanted to be was still... well, with you."
She stays silent, watching you with a stony expression.
You lower your head. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all this. I apologize."
You stand up. "It's the last time you will hear from me, I promise. I won't bother you anymore. Thank you for having me today" you conclude formally, "and thank you for the tea."
You turn to leave but you only take a few steps before she grabs your wrist. You froze.
"I already told you once that you don't bother me" she says in a tormented tone.
You slowly turn. "What are you saying, Headmistress?"
She doesn't answer, but her eyes full of tears and regret speak for her.
She slowly wraps her arms around you and pulls you closer. She holds you so tightly that it almost hurts.
When she pulls away she kisses you, gently. You had forgotten how fullfilling a simple kiss can be.
"Oh" you say when she breaks the kiss, and you know you are blushing. "I won't list the clichés of romantic literature that you are embodying right now," you whisper dreamily, "but... wow."
"Yes, right" she says in a sarcastic voice, but you notice her cheeks reddening, and this time not in anger. "Anyway. We have to-"
"If you say that we have to stop I swear I'll use a killing curse."
She smiles, but replies "We have to...", you glare at her, "...slow down. This is my office, and-"
"Not a chance" you retort before you kiss her again, tracing her lips with your tongue and moaning when she opens her mouth, letting you devour her.
"I have waited years for this, Farah. And all this time I have loved, I have wanted, you" you whisper. "Only you."
You take a step back and let your kimono drop on the floor.
When her hands grab your hips you know there's no going back.
--
A couple hours later you are entwined on the soft carpet.
"Are you angry at me?" you ask as your fingers trace lazy paths on her heated skin.
"No" she simply says before kissing you again. "Why?"
"I... don't know. I guess I forced your hand when I told you about Kalshar's proposal. You would have let me go had I not mentioned that."
"Yes. And maybe I still should."
You take her face in your hand and force her to look into your eyes.
"Don't say that."
"You're so young, so pure..." she says, tormented. "you shouldn't bound yourself to me."
"Well, too late. I'm here. And I want you, as I repeteadly told you. So I'm not going anywhere. Ever."
"Yes?"
You ask yourself what have they done to her to convince her that she doesn't deserve love and committment.
"Farah, seriously. I'm not leaving you. I don't want to."
When she kisses you, you suspect she's doing it to shout you up.
"Farah, what should I do to convince you?"
She sighs. "Nothing, I... I'm sorry. I have spent so much time telling myself that this was not a possibility that... well, I'm not particularly good with this kind of thoughts."
"What thoughts?" you ask, furrowing your brows. Then you understand. "Wait, you mean happy thoughts?"
"Yes."
You pause, freeing her face from a strand of golden hair; then you whisper: "Can I be your happy thought, Farah?"
She breathes in loudly, and next second you see a single tear falling form her eyes.
"You already are. And since a lot longer than you think, my love."