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Ahsoka tilts her head, eyes still closed. She can feel him again. This is the clearest she’s felt him since the Empire fell. Ahsoka breathes deep. She wants to reach for him, but the last time she tried that, he had drifted away and it was months before she felt him near again.
It is frustrating but so was he and so even in this, her chest aches with how much she misses him.
Ahsoka doesn’t reach for him, doesn’t open her eyes. She lets out a slow breath and opens her mind up so he can reach out to her if he wants to.
She does not feel anything, but she doesn’t feel him leave.
-
It has been a long few days. Ahsoka has been fighting and fighting and fighting. It is like this sometimes, a battle that seems like it will never end. It did end. Ahsoka is bruised and hungry and exhausted but it is done. She is one step closer to Thrawn and there is a village that will sleep better from now on.
She sits with her back to a tree and a fire in front of her. Ahsoka crosses her legs and closes her eyes. Meditation hasn’t always come easy to her, but she needs it these days. Needs it to slow herself down, to stop the shaking in her hands that creeps up on her as soon as she stops moving.
Ahsoka breathes evenly and let’s herself drift. The Force wraps around her and she starts to feel lighter already. A weight being lifted.
Ahsoka wasn’t expecting it this time, and if she knows him, that is likely what pushed him that extra step. She doesn’t feel him on the edge of her mind, waiting and brushing against their long dormant bond. There is nothing, just her and the Force and then suddenly there is too much. A familiar suffocating presence and she does not have time to stop and think and plan. Ahsoka’s eyes snap open and her breath sticks in her throat.
Anakin’s ghostly form is standing in front of her.
Ahsoka feels her mouth drop open. She thought she would have to push and push and pull to get him to just speak to her but here he is, standing just a few feet away, as corporeal as he can get, and he…. He looks worried.
“You know if you drop dead, I’m not sure I can carry you like this.”
His voice is soft and scratchy and Ahsoka feels tears well up in her eyes.
“Anakin?”
He starts to smile, a small almost shy thing, and it’s like she’s being ripped apart again while she feels a piece of her click back into place.
Ahsoka has missed him.
“Sorry I haven’t… well,” he huffs out a breath, “I’m sorry. For a lot, but I just. I wasn’t sure how to look you in the eye again.” He swallows and she can see a tear roll down his cheek. She has spent so many nights wondering what she would say to him, countless scenarios running through her mind, and she cannot remember a single thing she planned to say anymore.
“I… I’ve been watching you. Or well that’s-. Over you, I guess. For a while and I know you’re capable and I see how strong you’ve become but I… “ he stops to breathe. “You’ve had me worried this week.”
Ahsoka barks out a laugh that startles them both.
“Awfully rich coming from you, don’t you think?”
He smiles again but it’s wobbly this time and Ahsoka wishes so desperately that this conversation had happened earlier.
“Look, Ahsoka, I need to-“ He pauses, looks at the ground, tries again. “I…”
He looks back up at her and Ahsoka just looks back, tilting her head. He wants help but she isn’t going to give it. Not for this. Anakin huffs out a breath as he nods and looks away.
“I… I don't know where to start. I dont. I don’t know how to make up for what I did, Ahsoka.”
“Maybe you can’t.” Ahsoka thought she could be more calm about this, but now that it’s happening she feels the anger come to life. Anakin drops his head again.
“I mean I… I can't. Not really. Not in any way that is… tangible or… I don’t know. I-,” He cuts off and makes a frustrated noise. “Apologizing isn’t enough but I don't know what else to say. I just… I want to apologize. For everything, and for Malachor, I just didn’t know how to look at you. I couldn't handle it, y’know? I could feel how upset and disgusted you were and I…” he drags his hands down his face, “I’m just so sorry, Ahsoka, and you don’t have to… even respond or ever look at me again I just, I need you to know.”
Ahsoka watches the tears run down his cheeks and she wishes she could touch him, wishes she could hold him. She lets it sit for a little while longer, she is angry still, hurt and upset.
“I felt it, you know. When you died.” His mouth drops open and for once, it seems he is speechless.
“I had just landed back at the base, barely out of my seat when it hit.” Ahsoka shakes her head and looks off to the side, “I lost my balance all of a sudden, and I got… fuzzy? Like I couldn't focus on anything and my whole body hurt . I think I blacked out for a minute, because suddenly I was on the floor. My nose started bleeding.” Ahsoka closes her eyes for a moment. “I knew. I knew you were gone and I felt the agony you felt right before and I felt the relief that Luke gave you.”
Ahsoka looks back up at him and he is kneeling now, with his head in his hands. She can see his shoulders shaking.
“I forgave you right then.” Anakin’s head snaps up, eyes red and face wet.
“You…”
“I forgive you, Anakin.”
For a moment, he just stares, open mouthed in that dumb way he always has. He crawls over until he is right in front of her and reaches for her hand. She isn’t ready for the touch she feels on her hand, cold and too smooth to feel like a person. Anakin pulls her hand to him and presses his lips to her knuckles. Ahsoka feels a tear run down her own cheek.
“You have always been too good for me.” He whispers it into her skin and she feels his lips move but no breath with it. Ahsoka swallows.
“I know.” She hears him huff out a laugh.
“I didn’t think you’d be able to touch.” She hasn’t moved, afraid she’s going to ruin however he is pulling this off.
“I guess I didn't either but I wasn't really thinking about it, I just needed to. I… fuck, I’ve missed you, Ahsoka.”
Ahsoka turns the hand he is holding and brushes her thumb along his lip. It’s strange, it’s like it isn’t the right texture but she is touching him back and she wonders if there are any rules at all for him when it comes to the Force. She gets a finger under his chin and tilts his head up.
“Don’t hide from me anymore, Ani.”
He swallows, looks away. “I won’t. I won’t, I promise.”
“Stay for a little?” He nods back at her, “Of course, Snips.” She grabs hold of his robe and pulls as she leans back against the tree behind her. His head lands in her lap and she sinks a hand into his hair and closes her eyes. The exhaustion is catching back up with her and with Anakin against her, it is easy to give in.