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Kaz Brekker had built his empire and sworn to watch it burn. How did Wylan know Jesper wouldn’t do the same?
At least it felt like something Jesper would do. He’d conquer just another guy, build something of the outcome, whatever it was, and then tear it apart. Wylan could imagine it vividly.
Maybe the Jesper Wylan knew wouldn’t do it. But this one would.
This Jesper didn’t feel like Wylan’s Jesper, the one he’d moved in with. Not the one he’d fallen in love with, nor the one he wanted back. This Jesper was quiet, dismissive and impulsive. Not like his Jesper.
“What are you staring at?” asked Jesper, making Wylan glance at him.
“Nothing”, Wylan sighed. “I just don’t think we can save us anymore.”
He knew Jesper had to feel it too. If he didn’t his face wouldn’t have fallen the way it did. The way it used to, when he was devastated or so sad it was about to tear him apart. The way it didn’t anymore.
“What do you mean save us?” Jesper’s voice was soft, like it used to be. “I- I thought we were okay.” It sounded like a question. “Or, well. I don’t know what to say. Maybe you’re right.”
Jesper spoke like he did when he knew there was nothing to do. He’d spoken like that a lot lately.
Wylan nodded and held back tears. Although Jesper had changed, he couldn’t help but think of all the words they’d shared, all the promises they’d never keep, all the wishes that’d never come true. They’d never love like this again, or Wylan wouldn’t, at least. Perhaps Jesper could, as the conqueror he was.
Jesper took a step closer, still keeping his distance. “What changed?” he asked, the same vulnerability still in his voice. His dark skin shone in the golden light of the setting sun.
Hadn’t Jesper noticed? It couldn’t be. Or maybe it could, Wylan hadn’t thought he’d changed either, until his mother had told him so. Maybe it was him, after all.
“I don’t think it matters. There’s nothing to do, don’t you think? We built this thing in shaky ground, anyways.”
“Since when were you someone who gives up? You fought with all those merchants even when they didn’t want you there. You’re one to fight. Besides me, often, but maybe we’re past that now. My point is, since when would you leave without clearing things first?”
“That’s just it. I don’t leave like that. But you don’t talk like that, either. You always told me the merchants loved me, that I was good influence on all of them. So maybe I changed, but you did too. We wouldn’t know that, right? “
Perhaps it it was both of them.
Perhaps it was childish of Wylan to think it could last forever. Of course it was, nothing really lasted forever. One day the world would end and no one would be here to know they existed, nor if they broke up due to dumb realizations of change. But it didn’t really help Wylan. Actually, it would’ve been oddly comforting to leave behind something to be remembered of. An empire, for example. One that didn’t fall.
Jesper looked out of the window, where the sun was setting behind a row of expensive houses. Something settled over his face, but didn’t leave. He looked more serious than ever.
“Okay, maybe we changed. But maybe it’s how it was supposed to be. Maybe this is the grand, dramatic finale like in books. Where we’d both cry.”
“You don’t believe in fate. And you’re not crying.”
“But you do. Think of this as a tragedy. We’re both ready to let go, so let the fate pull us apart.” Jesper smiled sadly, they both knew he was right. They just had to let go. “Also, I’m not crying yet. Just wait ‘till I’m out of the door.”
Wylan wanted to laugh. About how fast the annoyed Jesper had become the fragile thing he’d been when it was already late and they couldn’t sleep, ghosts from the past hunting them. How fast they’d drifted apart. How easy it seemed to just let go.
He didn’t laugh, though, as he stepped closer to Jesper and buried his face in his neck for the last time.
He cried. Jesper did too, and they stood there, letting go.
He thought about Kaz and his empire. It was still standing, though Kaz had been clear of his intentions. Wylan imagined Kaz standing on the roof of some building, his face shining in the light coming from his burning properties. Maybe it wasn’t what Kaz had meant, but it made a fun picture in Wylan’s head.
He wondered, if that was how Jesper felt right now. If another one of his little empires shattered right in front of him. If it was Wylan burning, Jesper watching with a stone cold expression, a smile under his mask.
No. Jesper wouldn’t. Maybe the changed Jesper, but not the old one, not this one. This Jesper had loved Wylan with all he had. He wouldn’t have ever called him a conquest or an empire to pull down.
If I’ll keep my eyes closed tightly enough, I’ll never see Kaz’s empire burn. Or ours.
Wylan dried his tears first. He looked into the eyes of the man he once loved. And hell, he still did. But still, he couldn’t feel the want to run back and kiss Jesper senseless as he turned away, not like he used to. And Jesper didn’t come for him either, so he guessed this had to be the end.