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The sound of the kettle did nothing to pull him out of his thoughts.
He went to grab it involuntarily, his body moving on its own. But his mind… his mind was stuck on the screams of a weeping young woman with a lost lover. A mother. A kunoichi. A—
Fuck.
The water from the kettle he had been pouring into his cup spilled on the counter, nearly burning his hand. He wasn’t—he… could barely breath now and should take a second.
He took a deep breath and freed the soothing sound of air coming out of his mouth. One. Two. Her tears. Three. The way she clutched onto him saying it had to be a mistake. Four. The way her red eyes shed tears as her hand ran circles over her belly…
Knock .
Maybe it was Anko coming to ask for help. She said she could stay the night with her alone, but maybe something happened.
He went to the door, the almost finished cup of tea forgotten.
Running a hand through his hair to somewhat tame it, and trying to calm his brain, he opened the door.
“Iruka—” Kakashi didn’t even get to finish his sentence, as soon as Iruka saw it was his face on the other side of the door the million tears he had been repressing set themselves free.
Kakashi moved to hug him without a beat.
He moved their bodies enough to get inside and close the door behind them. Not a second went by that he stopped embracing him, and Iruka was thankful.
He felt so much. So many things. They were hard to place. Hard to name. The only thing keeping him grounded was Kakashi’s body against his own.
“Let me take this to the kitchen. Come on,” Kakashi whispered in his ear before pulling away.
As soon as Kakashi’s body separated from his own, he missed it. He needed it. He settled for his hand as they went into the kitchen, cleaning the tears away from his cheeks—although they just kept streaming from his eyes without his consent.
Kakashi drew out the takeaway bag Iruka had felt on his back earlier, setting it on the counter. He turned around, with his waist pressed on the counter, and opened his arms for Iruka to hug.
The tears came at full force, but he welcomed them now. He had been afraid he wouldn’t be able to stop crying once he started, but now Kakashi was here. Running his fingers through his hair. Pulling him impossibly closer with the other hand he had on his back.
He let all the thoughts running through his mind be. He let them run around free and let it all out. All the memories about Asuma, being told of his death, telling Kurenai and seeing her break in front of him with little more to do than just confirm her worst nightmare over and over again. All the stupid worries about things that may never happen but scared him, nonetheless. All the things he couldn’t control.
More memories came after that. He remembered his reaction when he had been told his parents were dead…
It is a funny thing. Grief. The impact it has on people. They way it can destroy a person so much that it takes away who they are and leaves a machine in its wake.
He let everything out. Pulling Kakashi closer from time to time with the hands he had on his back, clutching to his jounin’s vest. Kakashi kissed his head and caressed his fingers on his scalp every time he did.
Once he felt calm enough, the tears started to cease. He pulled away enough to see Kakashi’s face. He hadn’t even said hello when he opened the door.
Maybe grief had drawn out a reaction in him as well.
Kakashi didn’t seem mad, though. Perhaps because he was familiar with grief as well.
He stared into his eyes as Kakashi cleared the remaining tears with his thumbs. Then, he breathed again. One. Two. Three. Four. He closed his eyes. Five.
“Thank you,” was all he managed to say as he opened his eyes once more, and hoped Kakashi knew how much he meant it.
He got a kiss in response, so maybe he did.
“I bought Ichiraku’s for you on my way here. Do you want me to reheat it for you?” he asked with a tender voice.
A smile crept onto his face as he gave Kakashi the kiss that statement required.
“Please do. I haven’t eaten since this afternoon.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I do. But it can wait. I just want to eat my ramen and take a nap… with you,” he said and opened his eyes enough to let Kakashi see the question in them.
“I am free until Wednesday, don’t worry. Why don’t you go get the blanket I like and then I’ll meet you at the couch after I’m done with your ramen?” he finished with a kiss to Iruka’s nose.
“I love you.”
“And I love you.”
Those words meant so much. He tried to let his feelings through them every time he said them, because as shinobi their time alive was limited, and that meant those words acquired a whole new meaning. And after the day he had… those words meant more than he could even begin to fathom.
That day taught him so many things he had once let go unnoticed.
He knew that today he did one of the hardest things he had ever done. His shinobi training didn’t prepare him for that. And maybe he didn’t have enough experience in the field to have been more familiar with these experiences, but maybe no one was prepared to take on a situation like this.
Seeing a friend mourn the death of the person you considered a brother to such an extent...
How could anyone be prepared for that?
He let ramen fill the stomach he hadn’t noticed was empty, and then curled up next to Kakashi on the couch.
Kakashi kept running his fingers through his hair the way he knew calmed Iruka, who felt all the overwhelming thoughts leaving his mind.
“I love you,” he whispered again, sometime before he fell asleep, just because he could.
Just because there were many who couldn’t.
“I love you,” Kakashi said back with just as much affection and energy.
And when they fell asleep, he had already made peace with his grief. Ready to go back the next day and be the grounding force Kurenai needed as well.