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“I’m thinking of shaving my head.” Kim’s bubblegum popping emphasised the end of their words as they let their head dangle off the side of their bed.
Aubrey hugged her knees while sitting on Vance’s bed. He said he didn’t mind. He wouldn’t ditch her for sitting there. Kim would take care of it if he did. It was fine. Kim said something. What did they say? She shifted so her elbow leaned on the bed. A much cooler position.
Kim didn’t seem to notice Aubrey’s nervousness. “Maybe I’ll just do one side. Keep some of my hair. D’you think it’d suit me?”
“...Actually, yeah. What brought this on though?”
“Grumble...I don’t want anyone to think I’m a nerd. Or a girl. Also imagine how cool it’d be. Give Mikhael and his dumb wig a run for their money.”
“Heh. He keeps trying out nicknames. Did you hear his new one? The Maverick? I wonder if that one’ll stick.”
“BAHAHA! I doubt it,” Kim punched the ground in laughter, the best they could while hanging upside-down. “Guess that’s what happens if your parents try to control your whole future. One of these days I’m gonna take him to dye his hair, and we’ll just get him a black wig instead. He’ll still look stupid but at least he’ll be true to himself? You should dye your hair Aubrey, you’d pull it off way better.”
The memories came before Aubrey could shove them away. Soft hands in her hair, gentle words from a voice as musical as the piano she played, while the girl she wished were her sister made the promise Aubrey didn’t know she wouldn’t keep.
“One day Aubrey, you and I will get our hair dyed together. Our favourite colours. You would look so beautiful with pink hair.” The feeling of summer wind blowing her hair as she skipped home that day imagining herself with hair the colour of watermelon in the summer, together with Mari and her deep purple.
“Aubrey? You alright?”
She snapped out of it immediately. Kim was looking at her with something unreadable in their face. She couldn’t get air into her chest.
“Your hair’s cool how it is dude, I was just saying, anyone could beat ~The Maverick.”
“I..I’m fine.” Then why couldn’t she breathe? Why was Kim still looking at her like that?
“Alright...grumble...but if you want to tell me what’s wrong, I’ll be here. You want some taffy? I’ve got watermelon, I know it’s your favourite."
“Maaaaaariiiiiiii! Kel stole my watermelon slice!” Burying her face in the older girl’s arms, she used the moment to will crocodile tears to come out. Kel was the worst. Sure, maybe she pretended to skip his pet rock across the sea, but she didn’t actually do it. Anyways, that was probably the most food she’d get that day.
“Well that’s no good. I’ll tell you what Aubrey, you go apologize to Kel about his pet rock, and I’ll cut you two more slices.” After Mari poked Aubrey’s nose and gave her an encouraging pat on the back, Aubrey bounded off. She was enticed with the wonderfully fair deal, even if she did have to apologize for something she very much was not sorry about.
“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” Aubrey shook her head as she made a beeline for the rest of the watermelon. “Aubrey, why don’t you and everyone come over to our house for dinner? I can help Hero make you all a nice hearty meal.” Mari’s eyes shone with something Aubrey couldn’t place, but something warm nonetheless. The light of the sunset framed Mari’s face in purple, giving her an ethereal look. Somebody so kind couldn’t possibly be real. Aubrey took in the moment before aiding in packing up, relishing the feeling of safety and love.
She was snapped out of her memories by the feeling of something hitting her lap. The watermelon taffy. Kim’s worry was palpable now. Crap.
Aubrey tried to accept, to curse, to say something, but it came out as a strangled sob. Her grief filled the room, wrapping her in its long, black arms, piercing her chest and tearing her apart from the inside. There would be no more warm summers with fresh watermelon, no more safe nights spent at her house with a full stomach. No more promises. They weren’t enough.
The thought of Mari...hanging there, did her hair cover her face? Her hair, still black, not purple, it would never be purple. The weight of the promise she didn’t keep pressing on Aubrey’s chest, suffocating her.
“Aubrey…”
“You would look so beautiful with pink hair.”
There was a hand on her shoulder, not soft like hers. She would never feel that hand again. Would never truly know how purple would frame her face, as she looked at her with that warm smile on her face. Why couldn’t she wait? She had promised. Why wasn’t Aubrey enough? Why was she so easy to leave?
There was talking around her, inside her. There were hands rubbing her back. Were there? Or was it just because she was gasping for breath, her heart in her throat making her dry heave. Was this what Mari felt when she—
“You’re going to be ok Aubs, just focus on your breathing, alright?”
“Yeah Aubrey, let us know what you need if you can.”
Who? “M...Mar-?” The hand on her back was gone, please, no. “Please don’t leave.”
“Yeah no, we’re not going anywhere, it’s ok Aubrey.”
It lasted five seconds. It lasted five years. Aubrey felt both everything and nothing. When she finally came back to herself, she realized that not only was Kim there, but Vance had arrived during the commotion as well. Aubrey’s heart sank. She was going to lose two friends in one day. She already lost five on a different day. What’s two more? It doesn’t mean anything. It means everything.
“Grumble...don’t disappear on us again Aubrey. Keep breathing.”
“I’m...I’m sorry…” the shame enveloped Aubrey. Kim had to see her break down.
“Nothin’ to apologize for, it’s cool,” Vance said, somehow not minding that Aubrey’s tears got all over his bed.
“Yeah, he’s right. You, uh...wanna talk about it?”
Talk about it? How could she explain? How could she explain how the idea of dyeing her hair filled her with longing, dread, rage, despair? How could she explain that she was lost without her friends, without Mari, that she would never truly feel peaceful or safe or loved again?
But, with her two friends waiting patiently for her to decide, her two friends who couldn’t wait five minutes for candy sitting quietly and giving her space…
She felt the closest to it that she could.
So she tried. It was somehow as painful as that feeling in her chest had been, and twice as terrifying. And it hurt, knowing that they would never understand the way that she thought her old friends would have. But they stayed with her.
“She sounded very special,” Vance said, with what Aubrey now recognized as sympathy in his eyes. Aubrey never thought that she would accept sympathy like this, but somehow it wasn’t so bad.
“Tell you what,” said Kim, standing up. “If you ever want to, y’know, dye your hair as like a memorial to her, Vance and I will help you, right Vance? See? Vance’ll help too.”
Aubrey forced an eye roll, even though she was the furthest from annoyed she thought she could be. “I mean, even if I did want to, how are we supposed to pay for hair dye?”
“I mean...we could always steal it.”
“You’re kidding, right Kim? It’s one thing to steal candy. And another to steal hair dye.”
“How different can it be? And this time there’ll be three of us. Vance can be the distraction.”
The idea of dyeing her hair without Mari should have been wrong. Should have been blasphemous. And yet, it felt...peaceful?
“What about...today?”
Kim grinned. “Hell yeah! Vance?”
“I’m in.”
The three friends sat giggling on Kim and Vance’s bedroom floor, as Kim brushed pigment into Aubrey’s hair. Kim said that gloves were overrated, so their arms were covered in the same pink colour.
“I swear, that was probably the most oblivious shopkeeper I’ve ever seen. I bet we didn’t even need Vance to distract for us.”
“I did a great job distracting though.”
“Bahaha, sure Vance, whatever helps you sleep at night. Anyways Aubs, you’re done now. Now you’re supposed to let it set or something, then you shower out the dye.”
Aubrey took a glance in the mirror on the siblings’ door. Her hair was wet with gel, messy from Kim’s handling, and missing her bow. But it was undeniably pink. The shade of the watermelon she would share with her friends. The shade Mari promised her.
Everything she ever wanted to be stared back at her, but it felt hollow without the complementing purple. She missed Mari so much.
But with the pink in her hair, and Kim in the background shoving their pink hands into Vance’s face, the same way she may have once done to Kel, she could almost imagine Mari standing next to her, a ghostly shade of violet not thought to be possible. Mari would have wanted Aubrey to go through with this. Even if Mari broke her promise, Aubrey didn’t have to. She would keep it this way, for Mari, and for herself as well.
And for the first time since that horrible night, Aubrey felt safe.