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The wind coming in from the harbour sent a chill down Atsushi’s spine. He probably should have brought a coat with him when he decided to take an evening walk through Yokohama’s port, but it was too late for that now. Besides, he had some experience with the cold anyway from back at the orphanage.
Atsushi took a deep breath as he looked out at the sea. It felt like it’d been such a long time since he’d been able to do that. After being on the run for so long, forced to hide from the world while trying to save it, fighting Fukuchi and all his vampires, he never really had a chance to just… relax again.
And now that he actually had free time (courtesy of the President declaring that the agency would all get a month’s paid vacation after dealing with being falsely branded as terrorists), he didn’t actually know what to do with it, finding himself contemplating everything that had happened.
He thought back a lot on what had happened during the time, from the Sky Casino to the airport to Dazai being sent to prison, but the one thing his mind went back to the most was his fight with Fukuchi on the boat, the one where Akutagawa had….
He could easily recall how he felt right after it’d happened, the confusion, the strange sense of sadness that he couldn’t seem to figure out where it came from. And then, seeing him again as some kind of undead monster had sent a piercing blow through Atsushi’s heart. He’d always seen the mafioso as a ruthless killer, but seeing Akutagawa there as a lifeless puppet-corpse used by Fukuchi… it wasn’t right.
Almost as if sensing his thoughts, the sound of approaching footsteps came from Atsushi’s right. He glanced over from where he was leaning against the railing before turning back.
“Weretiger,” Akutagawa let out, although it was missing the usual hiss of anger that he’d come to expect.
Atsushi didn’t say anything, merely kept his gaze out at the sea as Akutagawa came closer.
He had no idea what to say. This was the first time seeing him since Bram Stoker’s ability had transformed all the vampires back into humans, and more important, it would be his first time talking to him since… Fukuchi.
“I never thought you’d stoop down to the childlike level of ignoring me,” Akutagawa said after a minute of silence passed.
“I’m not ignoring you,” Atsushi breathed out, “I just… I’m not sure what to say.”
Akutagawa just stared at him before opening his mouth as if to say something, only for him to start coughing into his hand.
Atsushi watched him from the corner of his before looking back out at the sea. “Why don’t you get your lungs looked at?” he asked without looking over.
“What are you talking about?”
“When we were on the boat, you said your lung disease was going to kill you, that you didn’t have much more time,” Atsushi said, looking down at his hands. “Why don’t you like… do anything about it?”
Akutagawa was silent for a moment before he spoke up. “Because it doesn’t matter. It’s a weakness of mine that will prove the death of me eventually.”
“What do you mean it doesn’t matter? Don’t you want to live?” Atsushi yelled back.
“We all die eventually. I’ll just do so sooner rather than later. I already have experience with it, anyway.”
At the last comment, Atsushi froze up, the image of Akutagawa’s neck being sliced open popping into his brain. He closed his eyes to stop it, but it was still there. “Don’t… say stuff like that,” Atsushi said through gritted teeth.
“Please, weretiger, are really that upset that a man who has tried to kill you will die soon?” Akutagawa scoffed.
“That’s just it,” Atsushi began, turning to look at Akutagawa, “you swore to kill me, yet you… you sacrificed your life to save me… why?”
Akutagawa grimaced and looked out to the sea, avoiding Atsushi’s gaze. “I needed Dazai-san’s approval…”
“No!” Atsushi interjected. “Don’t give me that… that bullshit! How would you have gotten Dazai’s approval if you were dead? You… you put my life ahead of your own, why? Why did you do that? What was in it for you?” he cried at that mafioso.
Akutagawa looked down at his hands gripping the railing separating him from the sea, before turning to look at Atsushi. “In that moment, I realized something. I was destined to die, there was no denying that, and I realized that Dazai’s approval…” he took a pause, taking a breath in and out, “…it didn’t change anything.”
Atsushi’s eyes went wide, his jaw dropping.
“Whether he thought I did well or not, whether I was strong or not, I was still going to end up gone from this world, and even someone like Dazai-san couldn’t change that.”
“Then…” Atsushi started, trying to find his words. “…why did you save me?”
Akutagawa scowled for a moment before answering. “I realized that if I was going to die, then I might as well do one good thing for once on my way out of this mortal realm.”
“What do you mean?” Atsushi hesitantly asked.
Akutagawa gave him a look with an emotion that Atsushi had trouble understanding, as it didn’t have his usual look of disapproval or anger. “You’re a far superior person than I am, weretiger. I trusted that giving you a chance to escape would be the right decision.” He then felt along his neck, where the wound from Fukuchi’s sword should have been. “As it happens, I turned out to be right.”
Atsushi turned away, gripping the railing to the point where he thought it might break between his fingers. “You shouldn’t say stuff like that,” he gritted out.
Akutagawa looked over at him. “What?”
“You shouldn’t say I’m a better person than you.”
Akutagawa scoffed again. “Don’t be ridiculous.”
“You sacrificed your life for the greater good, you believed in me… I could never do that. I never trusted you, I…” Atsushi felt a tear drop fall suddenly.
“Weretiger, are you an idiot?” Akutagawa asked seriously.
Atsushi wiped his tear away before glaring over at the mafioso. “Huh?”
“I’ve watched you try to throw your life away because of your inane saviour complex countless times now, and you have the gall to stand there and insist that you couldn’t do the same,” he said while glaring at him. “And it’s not like I was always forthcoming with my trust towards you either. This was a brief moment of realization before my coming doom, nothing more.”
Atsushi softened his gaze, looking down at his feet. “Right, sorry…”
Things went quiet again for a moment, Akutagawa still glaring at his rival, before blinking and returning to his neutral expression. Atsushi chanced a glance over at him, before he took in a deep breath. “Listen, Akutagawa, I’m sorry…”
“There’s that word again,” Akutagawa interrupted. “’Sorry.’ Has anyone ever told you not to apologize constantly?”
“Just let me finish before you criticize me, Akutagawa!” Atsushi yelled back. “Why do you have to make things so difficult?” Akutagawa frowned before Atsushi quickly took back what he said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.” Akutagawa gave him an annoyed look but stayed quiet. “Listen, I… haven’t been fair to you. I misjudged you, thought you were just some beast who was only useful for killing or something. I’m sorry. And I also said some things that were hurtful to you, about Dazai-san. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Akutagawa’s eyes widened momentarily before he replied. “I understand the sentiment. I allowed my own feelings of inferiority and fear of failure to blind myself to your positive qualities.”
Atsushi laughed. “Right, my good qualities…” he quietly let out as he turned back to the sea and began fiddling with his hair.
The mafioso was silent for a moment before Atsushi suddenly felt his arm being pulled away, Akutagawa’s hand around his wrist. “Stop that, weretiger!” he demanded.
“What are you talking about now?”
“I’m talking about your self-depreciating comments, fool!” Akutagawa said, grip strong on his wrist. “I’ve allowed my own emotions to stop me from seeing your good qualities before, and I won’t allow you to do the same to yourself!”
Atsushi was frozen, staring into the eyes of the mafioso just a few inches away from him. He had his usual angry look, but there was something else in his eyes as well. “Okay,” Atsushi let out. Akutagawa let go of his wrist.
Things got silent between them again, each of them not sure what to say but neither moving away from one another. Atsushi looked over at the mafioso a few times, seeing the anger in his face disappear for a look of contemplation, along with whatever else he had seen in the man’s eyes still there, and seemingly getting stronger.
After about a minute, Atsushi cleared his throat. “So, what do we do know?” After Akutagawa gave him a questioning look, he added, “Are we still going to fight in 6 months? Well, I guess it would be 5 now.”
Akutagawa watched him carefully, before he turned away. “There’s something else I should tell you first,” he said instead of answering. “You know, when you die, its true that you see your life flash before your eyes. I saw many moments from throughout my miserable existence; growing up hungry in the slums, my friends dying, Dazai’s training, and you, of course.”
Atsushi frowned. “Uh huh…” he said in an annoyed voice.
“I used to look at you with such hatred. Hatred for your ability, your ability to get praise from Dazai-san, your friends, your appearance, your personality, all of it. All of it annoyed me, but as I saw all our interactions appear in my final moments in this forsaken world, I came to the realization that I actually admired all those qualities... and some more than that.”
His voice had gotten quieter, more unsure of himself. Atsushi watched him, the annoyed look slowly disappearing for wide eyes again. “Akutagawa, what are you saying?”
The mafioso took a deep breath. “I merely thought you should know that when I turned to you in my final moments, I saw everything that I said earlier, but it didn’t fill me with hatred, it filled me with… something else. It was like the way I would feel when Dazai acknowledged me after we defeated Fitzgerald. I felt… joy, at the thought of you living on. And since my return to the land of the living, I haven’t been able to stop associating that feeling of joy with you.”
Atsushi stared at the mafioso, unable to find any words that could adequately explain how he was feeling at that moment.
Luckily, he didn’t need to say anything, as Akutagawa decided to keep talking. “So, I think our deal is off now. I don’t want to kill you any longer, as I think doing so would make that feeling disappear.”
Atsushi was still frozen, trying to understand what he’d just been told. A few moments went by before a breeze came in, breaking him from his trance to shiver.
“You’re cold,” Akutagawa stated matter-of-factly. “Do you not own a coat, fool?”
“I- I forgot it,” Atsushi stumbled out.
Akutagawa rolled his eyes before he took off his own coat. “Take this,” he commanded as he wrapped it around Atsushi’s shoulders, who watched him the whole time.
There was a moment where their faces were ever close together, Atsushi’s eyes wide and watching him while Akutagawa’s face was unreadable, his own gaze moving between matching the weretiger’s stare and his lips. It passed soon enough though, and Akutagawa stepped back.
Atsushi watched him for a moment before pulling this coat around him. “I still have your old one,” he suddenly let out.
Akutagawa gave him a questioning look.
“Your old coat… I was wearing it after our fight on the boat. It’s in my dorm right now. I can give it back to you.”
Atsushi blinked at him. “But isn’t it important to you? Didn’t Dazai give it to you?”
“It doesn’t matter. I’d like you to have it,” he said softly. “Perhaps then you would wear it outside instead of risking sickness as you are now.”
Atsushi found himself chuckling. “Right…”
Atsushi looked over at the mafioso and saw what almost looked like a smile on his face, although a soft one. He suddenly felt a strange warmth in his chest as he looked at the man who had tried to kill him multiple times, a warmth that previously he’d only really felt for his colleagues at the agency.
It felt strange, not sure where to place that warmth alongside all the hate that had poisoned their relationship. Although, that hatred seemed to disappear ever since their fight with Fukuchi, replaced by the weird missing feeling he’d felt during that time.
“Akutagawa,” Atsushi started, earning the mafioso’s attention. “I- what you said, about me, and… your feelings… I think I understand,” he hesitantly said.
“I see,” Akutagawa said in reply.
“So, I think maybe… we can try… restarting our relationship…”
Akutagawa watched him carefully, taking in every stuttered word. “I agree,” he said simply.
Atsushi found himself giving a soft smile. “Thank you, Akutagawa.”
“You’re welcome, Atsushi.”
Atsushi gaped at the man. “You just… said my name,” he let out. “And you said, ‘you’re welcome’?”
“Yes, those words are included in my vocabulary, contrary to your belief.”
Atsushi chuckled. “Right, sorry.”
An awkward silence overtook them once again, both giving each other awkward glances, not sure what else to say. Akutagawa let out another cough, before he looked Atsushi up and down. “There’s… another feeling I’ve grown to associate with you, weretiger.”
Atsushi quirked up an eyebrow at him.
“I’ve… developed a certain… appreciation for the way your… physical appearance, and its caused me to… have certain, feelings about... your body.”
“Huh?” Atsushi had never heard him talk so… awkwardly.
“I find myself wanting to do things… with you.”
“What?” Atsushi asked, completely clueless.
Akutagawa frowned, said “Ugh, forget it!” and turned away.
“Hey, Akutagawa…” Atsushi said, reaching out to him, but as he did, Akutagawa turned back, grabbed his arm and stepped forward, cupping Atsushi’s face with his other hand and leaning forward. Atsushi only had a second to gasp before the mafioso’s lips were on his.
Atsushi’s eyes went wide as Akutagawa kissed him, completely frozen. After a few seconds, Akutagawa moved back, a pensive look on his face. “I…” he began to say before Atsushi jumped forward, wrapping his arms around the mafioso’s neck and kissing him again.
Akutagawa immediately quickly wrapped one arm around his waist to hold him steady, kissing him back with the same intensity. They stood like that for what felt like hours, kissing each other, before Atsushi pulled away and leaned against Akutagawa’s shoulder.
“I’m glad you’re not dead,” he whispered into it.
Akutagawa stared at him with a soft look that Atsushi wasn’t familiar with. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, he suddenly started coughing.
Atsushi let him go as he coughed into his hand, giving him a few pats on the back to try to help him however he could. Each rasp from his throat sent a sudden pain in Atsushi heart as he watched the mafioso bend over.
Once his coughing fit was done, he stood up straight again. “I… apologize for the interruption,” he said in a voice quieter and softer than Atsushi was used to.
“I think you should really get your lungs checked out,” Atsushi said in a worried voice.
“I told you… it doesn’t matter to me,” he let out in a raspy voice.
“Akutagawa… Ryuunosuke,” Atsushi began, pausing when he heard a sudden intake of breath at the mention of the mafioso’s given name, “please… I don’t want to see you die again.”
Akutagawa didn’t say anything for a moment, until he muttered “I don’t have a reason to keep living… why should I extend how much time I have left in this world?”
“Can’t I be your reason to live?”
Akutagawa looked at him in that moment, and Atsushi thinks he was finally able to determine what that strange emotion he had seen behind all of Akutagawa’s stares was: it was love. For some unknown reason, the man who tried to kill him countless reasons loved him, to the point that he would throw his life for him.
Akutagawa nodded slowly. “Okay, I’ll see a doctor. For you.”
Atsushi smiled brightly, before placing his hand in the mafioso’s and turning to look out at the sea as he leaned into him. Now, the memories of the blade running through Akutagawa’s neck were no longer endlessly playing through the back of his mind, instead it was the memory of his smile as he urged him to go, mixed with the soft smile he had on now.
It seems not only would Akutagawa die for him, but he’d live for him too.