Work Text:
Katniss and Peeta spend their Victor Tour desperately trying to convince the citizens of Panem and President Snow of their love. However, it is clear to both of them that their efforts are failing. If anything, the Victory Tour has only further goaded the masses, and there is no way President Snow is looking at their performance as anything other than a threat.
Back at their old quarters in the Training Center, Katniss is the one who suggests the public marriage proposal. Peeta agrees to do it but then gets up to disappear in his room. As he’s walking away, he hears Katniss start to follow him, and hears Haymitch tell her to leave him alone.
“I thought he wanted it, anyway,” Katniss says.
“Not like this,” Haymitch responds ruefully. “He wanted it to be real.”
Peeta’s chest constricts, and he doesn’t slam the door on his way into his room. He hadn’t lost his temper throughout this Victor Tour charade, and he wasn’t about to start now. These things had a way of getting back to Snow.
He does, however, allow himself the satisfaction of kicking the side of the bathtub until he can no longer feel his remaining foot. He runs the water to make sure no one can hear. He then sits on the floor next to the tub and rests his face on the cool ceramic.
He wanted it to be real.
A sob rises from his gut and escapes into the world. Of all the ways he’d imagined marrying Katniss, this has never been one of them. He wanted her to want him. He’d rather not marry her at all than swear away the rest of his life in a false construct created for cameras and media and entertainment. He had never really imagining the full extent of what it would mean for his love to be a piece in the Games. He had just wanted to keep Katniss alive, and then he’d wanted to keep them both alive. Of course, in his heart of hearts he’d always known this would end in marriage, but he’d hoped it wouldn’t be the case. Or that Katniss may come to genuinely return his feelings, and then they could get married then. Of the many ways he had imagined marrying Katniss Everdeen, this is not how he had imagined it ever.
*****
The first time Peeta had imagined marrying Katniss, he was six years old. Katniss and her father walked into the bakery hand-in-hand, both of them laughing at something they had seen outside. Katniss had always been a small girl, and at the age of six her father’s hand engulfed hers. No one could miss the love and adoration in her father’s eyes when he looked at her. It was clear that she was his world, and that he would do anything to protect her.
When Peeta was feeling especially low, he looked at Katniss and her family with envy. What he wouldn’t give to have parents who loved him. Who loved each other. But most days he was just happy that Katniss was happy.
“Hey there, champ,” Katniss’ father greeted Peeta.
“Hi Mr. Everdeen,” Peeta responded politely, as he had been taught.
“Are any of those beautiful little chocolate frosted cookies leftover from earlier this week? It’s my wife’s 30th birthday, and she loves chocolate.”
“Yes, sir,” Peeta responded, picking up one of the stale cookies and putting it into a paper bag. They sold the stale cookies at a discount – cookies weren’t good anymore after the first few hours, but food waste wasn’t an option in District 12, even for the merchant class. He waited as Mr. Everdeen counted out $0.75 in an assortment of coins and slide them across the counter.
“Thanks, son,” Mr. Everdeen said warmly as he accepted the cookie. He turned to Katniss, “You want to carry this so you can give it to your mama?”
“Yes!” little Katniss responded energetically. Mr. Everdeen gave the bag to Katniss, who in turn raised her arms and requested, “Up! Up!”
Her father had laughed. “Do you promise not to drop the cookie?”
Katniss looked at him like he was being inexplicably stupid, “Who would I drop the cookie?”
“Well then up you go, munchkin,” Mr. Everdeen crouched down so that Katniss could climb up on his shoulders. He ducked out of the shop smoothly, making sure there was at least a foot of space between Katniss’ head and the top of the doorframe. “Bye, son!” Mr. Everdeen said to Peeta.
Katniss looked over at Peeta with a great big grin on her face and waved enthusiastically as her father carried her away. Peeta managed a shy smile and little wave just over the top of the counter. He watched them walk away, listening to them sing the Valley Song as they walked, Katniss’ light, high voice layering perfectly with her father’s rich tenor.
Six-year-old Peeta had imagined then what it would be like to marry Katniss. She would move in to his room in the house above the bakery. He’d have to get a bunkbed, since there’s no way both of them would fit on the bed he has right now. She would sing by the window, and all the birds would come to rest on the windowsill just to listen to her sing. He would start drawing birds into the frosting on the cookies he frosted, because even then he loved getting inspiration from beautiful things, and the birds must be beautiful if they loved Katniss. He could walk with her to school every day and sit next to her in class. Her family would never go hungry again because he’d make sure they always could get bread from the bakery, and for Mrs. Everdeen’s 31st birthday Peeta would make her a fresh chocolate frosted cookie.
*****
The second time Peeta imagined marrying Katniss, he had seen more death than any sixteen-year-old ever should.
He had also caused more death than any sixteen-year-old ever should, but he tries (and fails) not to think about that.
He had been lying in a damp cave by a river in the arena of the 74th Hunger Games for what felt like days – or maybe it had just been a few hours? His entire body felt like it was on fire, and his left leg screamed with agony. It hurt so badly he had wished it would just fall off.
Later, he’d regret that wish. But in the moment, it was all he could think.
Suddenly, he’d felt a wet mush placed on his leg. It made it hurt even more for a fraction of a second – he hadn’t realized that was possible – and then there was the strangest sensation of drawing out.
A nearby creature moan loudly, and a moment later he had realized the pained sound had come from him.
“Shhhh, shhh, Peeta, it’s okay,” a gentle voice had said while stroking his forehead.
Katniss, he realized. Katniss is taking care of me.
“Katniss,” he breathed her name out loud.
“Yes, Peeta, it’s me,” she had sounded relieved.
“Katniss!” he had repeated, more excited this time. He tried to get up, to turn his body to look at her face, but his leg screamed in protest and another strange sound escaped his mouth. In the back of his head, he had wondered if he should be concerned that he sounds like a dying animal.
“Shhhh, shhh, Peeta don’t move, don’t move you’re hurt,” Katniss had said softly. “Just lie down.”
He had dutifully obeyed – not that his body was about to let him do anything else. She went about dressing his wound, though Peeta wasn’t sure how much good it was doing. He needed real medicine. He knew that and he knew that Katniss knew, but it helped both of them to feel like there was something they could control.
He thought back to all the times he’d imagined being this close to Katniss. Being alone with Katniss. Never in a million years had he thought she would reciprocate his feelings. But she was, in a damp cave in a fake forest deep in an Arena, feeding him soup and pretending trying to fix his leg and kissing him tenderly.
Maybe we will survive this, Peeta had let himself hope. Maybe we will survive, and survive together. Maybe we can go back to District 12 together and be neighbors in Victors’ Village. I could bake bread for her family, possibly give her mom those chocolate frosted cookies she likes. Neither of our families will ever go hungry again. Katniss and I will have so much free time, now that we don’t have to work or go to school, and maybe we can spend that time together. We could actually date like normal people. She could move into my house; my family probably won’t want to live with me, but hers will probably move to the Victors’ Village. If she moves to my place, she’d still be super close to her family. And then maybe, just maybe, we could get married…
With that happy though, Peeta had drifted back into unconsciousness.
*****
The third time Peeta imaged marrying Katniss had been a few days ago after their Victory Tour stop in District 4. The Mayor had been politely horrible – she had suggested Katniss was the only real Victor of the 74th Games in one breath and in the next asked if Katniss had really needed to drop the wasps next on the District 4 female tribute, her death had been so unseemly – all with a smile that sometimes reached her eyes and intermittent suggestions that the simply must try the oyster, its absolutely to die for. Katniss had held on to Peeta’s hand for most of the night, her grip tightening every time the Mayor said something even more atrocious (“It was just so surprising to see such resilience from District 12. Your people must be so proud”). They continued holding hands as they walked out of the Justice Building and onto the train, and long after the cameras had gone.
They end up sitting on the bed in Katniss’ room, staring out into the darkness past her window.
“So I guess I’ll be taking the District 4 Mayor off our next party invitation list,” Peeta jokes half-heartedly. Katniss just scowls at him.
“No, you’re right, that would be rude. And Effie would be absolutely scandalized,” he puts on a Capitol accent at end, which pulls a slight smile out of Katniss.
She leans into him a bit more. “Do you think it’s working?” she asks in a small voice
Peeta thinks about the cold eyes that have stared at them from the District audiences as they give their victory speeches. He remembers the crowds surging towards them, reaching out to touch them as if Katniss and Peeta represent their last semblance of hope. Even in District 4, the first Career District they’ve gone to on their tour, two people were dragged away by Peacekeepers for whistling Rue’s tune. If anything, the Victor Tour has only stoked the rebellion, only fueled the flame.
He doesn’t say any of this, of course. They’re in a Capitol train, he must be careful. Instead, he just squeezes her hand.
They sit like that, in fearful yet comfortable silence, for hours. When Peeta starts to get up to go back to his room – he knows Katniss will probably want him to stay, but he wants to give her to option to decide that – she pulls him closer, meets his eyes, and whispers, “Stay with me. Please.” He nods and sinks back into the bed. Being with her helps his own night terrors as much he knows being with him helps hers.
Quickly, so softly that he thinks he imagines it, Katniss’ lips lightly brush Peeta’s left cheek, and feels warmth spread from his left cheek all the way through his body. A beat later, his heart constricts – this can’t be real. It’s habit, he tells himself. She’s kissing me out of habit. Even though he knows that’s not true and remembers how forced all the on-camera kisses feel.
May she does like me, the thought enters his mind unbidden, and once it’s there he cannot let it go. Before he can stop it, his mind is moving forward with the deeply desired but completely unattainable fantasy. She does like me. Maybe when we get back to District 12 we’ll start dating for real. It’ll be slow, of course, and secret for as long as possible. But maybe she’ll start coming over in the evenings after she’s done hunting, and I will share the bread I made that day and she’ll share her game. Maybe, years from now, we’ll get married for real. We don’t even have to tell anyone, just a little toasting in one of our houses…
Softly, when he isn’t sure if she’s fully awake, he kisses the side of her head where her hair meets her face.
*****
After what feels like both not enough and too much time, Peeta forces himself to stand. His left foot throbs with pain from kicking the tub. He leans against the sink to splash water on his face, and then meets his own eyes in the mirror. Just a year ago, he could not have imagined being here. He couldn’t have fully wrapped his mind around even being in the Games, much less winning them. He had known so little about the politics of the Capitol, seen so little of their wealth and waste, had known they were deadly but had such little concept of exactly how much they took joy in others’ suffering. And now the girl he’d been in love with for over a decade, the girl he’d dreamed about spending the rest of his life with, had suggested they get married and he. didn’t. want it.
They would, of course, get married. He knew she was right. He knew what was at stake. But he wanted to give himself this moment of selfishness, this moment of thinking of what he wanted, rather than what he had to do to survive. Soon, he’d leave this bathroom and be the put together golden boy he needed to be. He’d probably propose within the week, be married within the year. Soon, he’ll take a deep breath and calm the tightening in his chest, ignore the breaking of his heart. Soon, he’ll again be Peeta Mellark, Victor of the 74th Hunger Games. But for just one moment longer, he wanted to be Peeta Mellark, the scared seventeen-year-old child.
He takes on last deep calming breath, break eye contact with his reflection, and walks straight to Katniss’ room before he can lose his nerve. He knocks on her door, and has to wait a bit and knock again before she opens it. Her hair is a bit mussed, and she looks like she may have been crying. She meets his eyes and doesn’t say anything.
“Want to go up to the garden?” Peeta asks, his voice light and his tone casually curious. “There’s this new orchid they’ve planted that’s absolutely beautiful.”
“Sure,” Katniss responds. She wordlessly puts on her shoes and jacket and follows him to the roof.
They walk to the garden, and Peeta points out a short plant with purple speckled flowers, “They’re called Cattleya orchids. Effie told me that they’re all the rage in the Capitol recently.”
“So the orchids are real,” Katniss observed. That gets a small laugh out of Peeta, “Yeah, they’re real.”
“They really are beautiful,” Katniss concedes. “I haven’t seen anything like them in the w— in District 12.”
“Yeah, they’re apparently native to the Southwestern area of the country,” Peeta leans down, picks a flower, and gives it to Katniss, “For you.”
She takes the flower cautiously, but their fingers still brush a little, “Thank you.”
They stare at the flowers in silence.
“I know you’re right. About the marriage,” Peeta breaks the silence.
Katniss shifts uncomfortably but doesn’t respond.
“We’d have to get married eventually. We need to prove our love now. It makes sense,” Peeta continues.
Katniss looks at him, “I’m sorry.”
“Me too.”
“Why are you sorry?” Katniss asks.
“I don’t know. This just sucks. And the star-crossed lovers thing was kind of my fault.”
“The star-crossed lovers thing is why we’re both still alive,” Katniss counters.
“Yeah,” Peeta concedes, kicking a small fallen twig by his feet.
“Peeta, I know this isn’t what you wanted,” Katniss starts. Peeta lets out a hollow laugh that should be beneath him as a Victor but isn’t beneath him as a child. “I know this isn’t what you wanted, but I can try.”
“Try?”
“I can try to be a good wife. I can be romantic. Even at home in District 12, I can act like I’m in love with you –”
“No.” He cuts her off, the weight of she’s just offered settling into his gut. She recoils, looking hurt.
Peeta rephrases. “I mean…thank you, for offering to give me that. Thank you. But I don’t want you to act like you’re in love with me. I don’t want your act. I want you.”
“But…I can’t, I mean I don’t –”
He takes the flower he gave her earlier back from her hand and gets on one knee. Her eyes widen with panic.
“Katniss Everdeen, I have loved you since before I knew what those words meant,” he starts.
“Peeta, what are you –?”
“Please just let me say this. Since we’re getting married anyway. I wanted some part of it to be real. I want this to be real.”
She nods slowly.
He starts over. “Katniss Everdeen, I have loved you since before I knew what those words meant. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met. When you sing, the birds stop to listen. You risked your life to save your sister. You bore more of a burden than any child should since you were eleven years old and you still care about the people around you. You saved my life in the arena more times than I can count, and have continued saving me from my nightmares every day of this Tour. I love you more than I can describe in words, and I am so happy that we are alive together. But I don’t want to marry you.”
Over the course of his speech, Katniss had been looking at him with an expression of increasing panic and some pity. At his last admission, she frowned.
“I don’t want a charade of a marriage. I mean, I’m aware that it will be a charade in public, but I don’t want our private lives to be a charade. I don’t want you to act like you’re in love with me when you’re not. I know you’re not and that’s okay. The public charade keeps us alive, and I know that. But over this Tour, I’ve really been enjoying getting to be your friend. Our romance may have been a charade, but our friendship is real.
I love you. I always have, and I always will. And I want our lives together to be as happy as they can be, given the circumstances. I want you to be happy. And I know you don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. Because – and please tell me if I’m wrong – I think our friendship is real. It is a privilege to get to be your friend and if that’s what you want for the rest of our lives that’s what we’ll be. So, Katniss Everdeen, will you be my friend, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live?”
Katniss looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the end, she settles for both, and accepts the regifted orchid flower. She sinks to the ground to hug Peeta, and they sit in silence for a long time.
Katniss breaks the silence. “It’s not that I don’t have feeling for you,” she fiddles with the flower as she says this, completely avoiding looking at him. “I just can’t sort them out. I can’t sort out what was for the cameras and what was me. And I don’t know if I ever will.”
He tamps down the flame of hope that rises in his chest and busies himself with fiddling with the end of her hair. “That’s okay. You just yes to being friends forever, remember? You don’t need to know any of that to be friends forever.”
“Okay.” Katniss leans against Peeta and they stay like that, curled up in each other’s arms on the rooftop garden of the Training Center, until the sun rises. They then retire to Katniss’ room and it’s the first time during the Tour that neither of them has a nightmare.
*****
When Peeta proposes to Katniss on Cesar Flickerman’s show, she acts properly surprised. Peeta doesn’t say much of what he said on the roof – he does tell her that he’s always loved her, but then goes on to talk about a love forged in the crucible of the Games, the generosity of the Capitol, and throws in a joke about asking for a bigger house in the Victors’ Village. And when he asks, “Katniss Everdeen, will you marry me?” she tearfully agrees.
Their marriage may be fake, but their partnership is real. After all, they protect each other. It’s what they do.