Chapter Text
ours are the moments
i play in the dark
we were wild & fluorescent
come home to my heart
//
day 1
this is so fucking stupid .
it’s really all you can think as you stand next to the host in matching shorts and an unbuttoned shirt and your black calvin klein sports bra. your hair is perfectly tousled and you have the slightest bit of makeup on, thanks to the team who had gotten you “ready” behind-the-scenes, and it’s like a billion degrees in the sun but you just stand nod along when a few women step forward for you, compliment your smile, your eyes, your calves, even. it’s all mortifying and you think for the thousandth time that day why you’d even eventually agreed to do this, but the villa is beautiful and, even though everything screams of a weird sort of artiface, the women standing a few feet in front of you are beautiful too.
one of them, in a warm accent, tells the host, ‘she just looks like someone worth getting to know,’ and it makes you feel better somehow, just a little. when it comes down to your time to choose, you thankfully remember her name.
‘i’d like to couple up with shirley,’ you say, feel a little blush at the real happiness in her smile, kiss her cheek in the sun.
/
you meet everyone eventually as you all lounge around and talk. there’s pinoe, with her shock of pink hair and loud laugh, a self-proclaimed workaholic for some social rights non-profit; there’s ash, with a ton of tattoos that multiple people are already swooning over. she’s also already seemingly in love with ali, even though they’d coupled up, like, three hours ago — but ali is definitely beautiful and, like, you’re here to find love anyway. if you have to.
there’s sam and leah and jordan and cat and tierna and allie, too, and you’re a little overwhelmed by how outgoing and outspoken everyone is; you’ve always been quiet, happiest running or out in the ocean or painting alone. but ash and pinoe seem to want you in their fold once you ask everyone’s pronouns, which is easy and simple and doesn’t make sense to you why that would be a selling point — but it is, and you’re grateful for their company. shirley comes and sits next to you by the pool, puts her feet in beside yours, splashes a little until you look at her with a shy smile.
it’s easy to talk to her, thankfully, with her bright laugh and nice eyes. it makes your palms sweat and you spend the evening changing into slacks and a nice t-shirt, drinking shitty champagne out of plastic glasses and eating bland catered food. you’re exhausted by the end of it and it’s not as awkward as you had feared when you sink into bed beside her. you’re just in a sweater and sleep shorts and shirley rolls over to face you with a sleepy little smile. it’s second nature, you think, to brush baby hairs from her face and then you catch yourself with a little intake of breath.
‘it’s okay,’ she reassures softly.
‘okay,’ you whisper, and when she turns over and pulls your body to hers, you sleep through the night.
//
day 4
most of the time in the villa is fun but really boring; you play a game that involves a lot of sliding around in tiny bathing suits and has everyone laughing. you don’t understand the rules, really, and so you definitely don’t win, but at least it breaks up the monotony of everyone talking about people they like and fiddling with their water bottles.
‘i got a text!’ ash yells from literally a foot away from you by the pool and you wince at the volume but you’re curious anyway. everyone hurries over and ash reads, ‘islanders, tonight will be the first recoupling…’
it sends the whole group into a flurry of anxiety and excitement, depending on the person. ash and ali are, like, always together, and so they’re safe. pinoe is popular enough that multiple people will want her to stay, romantically or in a friendship coupling, either way.
shirley smiles over at you and then motions for you to join her a little bit away from the group.
‘how are you feeling about tonight?’ she asks.
‘good,’ you say, take in her expectant face and try a little harder. ‘sure, of who i want to pick, for sure.’
her smile grows, a little amused at your constant lack of eloquence, but she doesn’t tease. ‘i’m sure too.’
‘sweet,’ you say, take her hand and walk over toward where ash and ali and pinoe are lounging on day beds. ‘let’s just nap while everyone else freaks out, then.’
shirley laughs and tucks her head into the crook of your neck when you lie down to relax next to your new friends. it’s hot as balls but it’s nice just the same.
/
even though you’re absolutely sure you get to couple up with shirley and that the people you get on with best will be safe tonight, it’s an oddly nerve-wracking experience to sit by the firepit. a few other people go before you and nothing really dramatic happens, but then it’s time for you to say who you’re choosing.
you stand up, rub your palms on your slacks a few times because they’re so sweaty, run a hand through your hair. you hate talking in front of people, and it’s even more mortifying to know that, like, it’s going to be streamed to the rest of the entire world , but it’s worth a shot, you guess.
‘uh, i choose to couple up with this person because she makes me laugh. she’s kind and caring and it’s been a really wonderful few days getting to know her, and i’d like to spend more days in the future doing the same.’
a few people aw and shirley is beaming at you so you think it was fine mostly.
‘so, the person i’d like the couple up with is shirley.’
shirley stands and kisses your cheek before wrapping you in a hug. you feel your shoulders sag in relief, even though everything was definitely fine. this is all kind of dumb, but everyone here is a real person who, like, has hopes and dreams and stuff. you thought it would feel kind of like a game, or definitely like a vacation, but you can feel real emotions about everything and it scares you a little.
later that night you chat with shirley under the stars, as close to the beach as you can get. you miss the ocean but she’s pretty and she likes you. it’s easy to ask quietly and then with her emphatic yes lean forward and kiss her as your chest warms.
//
day 10
honestly it’s not as stupid as you thought. to be fair, most of the day is really stupid, but there’s drama going on with some other people that you’re not at all involved in so you get to spend time with pinoe and ash and ali talking about politics and art and life instead of just relationships or what your “type” is.
all is pretty simple and easy, more bland food and plastic champagne cups and nice kisses with shirley, but then pinoe is whooping. ‘i got a text!’ everyone crowds around. ‘islanders, two new girls are coming to the villa, but not before a date with the person of their choice.’ her phone dings again and she grins. ‘pinoe, christen has chosen you for a date.’
everyone oohs and ash gives pinoe a high five. you laugh right along with it all and shirley plays with your hand, relaxed and carefree. until your phone dings. you fish it out of your pocket. ‘tobin,’ it says, ‘alex has chosen you for a date.’
‘oh shit,’ sam says, but you turn to shirley and squeeze her hand.
‘nothing to worry about,’ you tell her with a smile. ‘i’ll just welcome her for all of us, and then there are plenty of people to get to know her here who aren’t coupled up like us.’
it makes you a little panicked but shirley nods and accepts it easily enough. pinoe is buzzing as you go back to get ready; she puts together some wild ensemble that makes your shorts and t-shirt and jordans look incredibly boring. she spends like 30 minutes fiddling with her hair and you just sit there and try to relax. ‘you look great,’ you say when she glares at you in the mirror when you sigh for like the fifth time, but she relents and holds out her hand.
‘come on, toby—’ you roll your eyes at the horrible nickname you hate that pinoe seems to love— ‘let’s go find me a wife.’
/
you drive in a jeep a few minutes to some cliffs overlooking the ocean. there are two picnic blankets set out, with little cheese plates and some unlabeled bottles of wine. it’s beautiful but you hardly have time to notice because a producer is directing you toward a woman with bright blue eyes and waves of long brown hair and a gleaming smile. she’s pretty in the way you’d imagine girls to be pretty, with lean, tan shoulders and a summery dress on.
‘i’m alex,’ she says, and you kiss her cheek and try to get your heartrate back down. you don’t even know her and you have genuine warm feelings— like like—feelings for shirley, but, like, sue you, you’re human. and very, very gay.
‘tobin,’ you get out, and she grins.
‘oh, i know.’
you take a sip of the wine she pours and do your best to answer the easy questions she asks; you try to be clear that you’re really happy being coupled up with shirley and that you’d love to just be friends, and you’re doing well until you glance over to where pinoe is on her date a little ways off and you feel almost dizzy.
christen , you remember, and you faintly hear this new person laugh. her smile crinkles her eyes and her curls are full and dark and wild in the sea breeze. you try to take a sip but end up coughing instead and alex pats your back. it’s all a little mortifying because she follows your line of sight and then looks back at you, a brow raised. ‘christen is beautiful,’ she says.
it’s worse because everyone is on mic, there are cameras everywhere and you’re just blushing and stammering in front of one beautiful girl, trying to ignore another, and talk about one that you’ve been sharing a bed with every night for the past week.
you eventually shake your head, try to brush the past horrible minute off. ‘just went down the wrong pipe,’ you croak out.
‘sure,’ alex says with a laugh.
she helps you up when it’s time to go and you’re being ushered back into a jeep with her to drive back to the villa; pinoe and christen are just ahead of you. your stomach is full of nerves for reasons that kind of just smacked you in the face without warning but alex is funny and smart and has you laughing as you drive back.
you don’t get a chance to talk to christen because you reassure shirley, kiss her softly and she smiles and lets out a big breath after you introduce alex to the group and then get pulled for an in the moment.
‘alex is great,’ you say, honestly, because you had had an amazing time. ‘and i’m looking forward to getting to know christen as well.’
//
day 11
it’s not until midday that you actually get a chance to talk to christen. she comes over to where you’re hard chilling with allie and alex, who seem to be getting along like a house on fire; shirley is making snacks with ash and you’re like two seconds away from falling asleep when you hear her say, ‘hey.’
it’s stupid, one word that you’ve heard a billion and one times, but you feel your heart skip a beat in your chest. you open your eyes and she’s right there , sitting down next to you on the day bed.
‘is it okay if i join? tobin and allie, we haven’t really gotten a chance to meet.’
you’re infinitely grateful for allie, who sends christen a happy smile and an enthusiastic ‘sure!’ and so it’s easy to follow suit, nodding your head and sitting up fully. alex glances at you but you just glare and turn back to christen.
her eyes crinkle when she smiles, and she settles next to you with her waterbottle. there’s a little bit of sunscreen that you can still see on her nose and her hair is half up but still full and you get a little distracted imagining what it would be like to bury your hands in it and —
‘my pronouns are she/her,’ christen says, and then everyone looks to you expectantly because they’ve definitely already formally introduced themselves.
‘yeah, uh, i’m tobin. i’m cool with any pronouns.’
christen nods, files it away without any fanfare, just as everyone has so far. ‘well, it’s officially nice to meet both of you. allie, i’m glad you and alex are having a good time, it seems.’
they look to each other with grins. ‘oh, we sure are,’ allie says, and alex gives her a high five.
you groan but christen is laughing good-naturedly when you look toward her. alex looks toward allie with a conspiratorial little expression and then says, ‘well, we’re going to go to the pool. have fun!’ they both get up and kind of scramble away before you can even react.
at their sudden departure, christen fiddles with her waterbottle and looks down at her hands. ‘does allie, like, not like me or something?’
‘oh.’ suddenly the most important thing in the world to you is to reassure her that it would be impossible for anyone not to like her, let alone allie who is, like, super friendly. ‘nah, they’re just in the honeymoon stage i think.’ your neck flushes red because you know it was really alex trying to leave the two of you alone but you aren’t about to tell christen that, not in a million years.
she seems to accept your lackluster explanation easily enough, though, leaning back a little and letting out a big breath. ‘i get anxious in social situations, so this is a lot.’
you huff out a laugh. ‘i’m usually pretty quiet, and awkward, so i understand.’
she smiles gently, unabashedly looks you up and down. ‘i doubt anyone would really see you as awkward.’
‘they do, ’cause i’m not, like, great at talking.’
‘well, that’s okay,’ christen says. she leans back against the pillow and turns toward you fully. ‘your general presence is nice, even without talking.’
you can’t help but smile and you’d reassured shirley after your date the night before that your head hadn’t been turned. and, it’s true, it hadn’t, at least not by the person you’d gone on a date with. and you don’t even really know christen, but your gut tells you that she’s going to be important. that she’s special.
‘do you, like, have a type?’
the question pops out of your mouth before you can really process but it hangs for a second and then christen wrinkles her nose.
‘isn’t that, like, the most problematic question?’
‘yeah,’ you agree emphatically. ‘just always seems one answer away from being really offensive.’
she softens a little and then says, ‘i like people if we click. the physical stuff matters, and i love sex, but at the end of the day there’s all sorts of bodies that i like, and all sorts of different kinds of intimacy i value.’
‘dude,’ you say, which makes christen laugh, ‘absolutely. friendship is really underrated, in my opinion.’
she deflates juts the slightest bit; you can see it in the set of her mouth. ‘i agree,’ she says, and it sounds genuine enough.
‘what do you do for work?’ you ask, trying to keep up conversation and also, like, act normal.
‘i run my own marketing firm.’ she sits up a little straighter, her eyes proud.
‘your own firm? that’s so sick.’
she shrugs. ‘i had some horrible experiences with a few bosses at a firm i was working for, and after that, i just figured that they weren’t even good at their job so why shouldn’t i go make a place that’s, just, better all around, you know?’
‘that’s amazing.’ you backtrack when a jolt of panic goes through your chest. ‘not, like, the bosses part, obviously.’ you could stop there but you’re still rambling with nerves. ‘if you ever need me to beat them up, i’ve got a mean left hook.’
christen laughs, like really laughs, and you can’t help but feel relieved and exhilarated at the same time. ‘do you really?’
‘nah, probably not. i’ve only ever punched my little brother over a lego and we were like six and eight. but i would do my best for you anyway.’
she holds onto that for a second and a blush creeps up your cheeks. ‘little brother?’
it’s a merciful question, maybe for both of you, another grasp at actual friendship. ‘yeah, two older sisters as well. they’re annoying but mostly great.’
‘as they should be. and i have a younger sister and an older sister.’
‘middle child, huh?’
‘yep.’
‘explains a lot.’
christen brings a hand to her chest and gasps in mock offense. ‘what’s that supposed to mean?’
‘you’re, just —’ you fumble and she raises a brow. ‘we’ve only known each other for like two seconds but i can tell you’re, like, a force of nature. or something.’
she grins. ‘i’ll accept that, i guess.’
you wipe your brow playfully and she laughs. ‘before you start to like me, i should let you know that i’m a may gemini. also an artist.’
she grimaces and then makes a hand motion around your general vicinity. ‘and you look like that .’
it’s your turn to take mock offense.
‘you know you look like a fuck boy, right?’
‘but a hot one?’
‘no comment.’
you laugh and shrug. ‘look, chris, with gender and clothes or whatever, i’m just vibing. can’t help it if i was blessed with natural talent and taste.’
christen rolls her eyes but knocks her shoulder against yours.
‘are you any good at art?’
you think of the last few commissions you’d had, the galleries you’ve shown at in paris and new york in the past month. ‘i do all right for myself, i’d say.’
she grins. ‘you’ll have to show me sometime.’
‘i’d love to,’ is what comes out of your mouth before you can even begin to stop it. shirley wanders up to you at that moment, looks a little surly but christen just smiles.
‘hey,’ she says, ‘just getting to know everyone. tobin is basically intolerable, i don’t know how you do it.’
you scoff but shirley brightens. ‘the worst, i know.’
they laugh together and you feel a little dizzy. christen gets up after a few more seconds and shirley settles in beside you, rests her head on your shoulder. you turn to kiss her cheek.
//
day 14
it’s uncharacteristically rainy and a little cold today, which would be fine overall except for you wake up and your ankle feels like it’s simultaneously freezing with a dull ache and also a little bit on fire.
you’re awake far before the lights turn on, and you don’t bother to put your mic on before you hobble out of the bedroom to eat some yogurt so you can take advil. the sun is just beginning to rise and it soothes a little bit of the hollow in your chest; you’re on this island and on this dumb adventure for a very short amount of time, but when you leave things are still the way they were before.
you’re kind of startled when you limp out onto the lawn by the pool and see christen sitting very still on a yoga mat on the deck. she’s in a hoodie and shorts, her curls piled on the top of her head, legs crossed and hands palms up on her knees. you clear your throat so you don’t scare her; she turns toward the noise and then smiles when she sees you.
‘sorry,’ you say, ‘i can go, like, somewhere else, if you want space.’
she shakes her head. ‘it’s just fine, i was mostly done anyway.’
‘you sure?’
she stands and walks over to you, all mile long legs and green eyes and you’re pretty sure this is one of the worst mornings of your life because it would be wrong to kiss her. at least right now.
she puts her hand on your hip and then steals the coffee you made from your hands with a grin. ‘now i’m sure.’
you roll your eyes but follow her when she sits by the pool. the rain has stopped and the clouds are pink as the sun rises over the sea.
‘are you okay?’ she asks softly after a few quiet moments.
panic shoots up your spine and sits hot in your ears. ‘what?’
she nods toward your leg, offers you back your mug. ‘you’re limping.’
‘oh,’ you say, feel your stomach calm and heart slow. your anxiety is replaced by a fresh sadness, though, one you haven’t really talked about to anyone here. anyone at all, really. ‘yeah, i’m okay.’
she raises a brow and you know she definitely doesn’t believe you.
‘i was a professional surfer,’ you admit, although there’s still some evidence of it on your instagram; it’s not something you’d talked about in the villa.
‘and an artist?’
‘oh, yeah,’ you say. ‘that’s also true. i made art wherever i travelled and stuff. now it’s just taken center stage, instead of surfing.’
christen hums, encouraging you to keep going but not pushing.
‘i surfed big waves, like, all over the world. it’s just—’ you sigh, shake your head; you’ve always been bad at words: reading, writing, speaking them. describing the feeling of a big wave eludes you even more than anything else, though. ‘it’s the coolest thing i’ve ever felt. fucking terrifying but, like, i just felt so connected to everything. i know it sounds kind of, like, woo woo or something but there’s just a respect you have to have for the ocean and the earth, to be able to surf waves that big.’
christen listens intently, even as you have to look down at your hands while you talk. your ankle is swollen and your scars look angry, like always with weather like this, and you hand her your coffee because suddenly you feel a little nauseous.
‘i don’t understand it in the same way,’ she says softly, ‘but meditating helps me feel connected to everything too. and i grew up by the ocean. it’s—yeah.’ when you look up to meet her eyes she smiles and you can’t help return it.
‘it is.’
you sit in the quiet with her for a few minutes before you offer, ‘i got caught in a rip, about a year ago.’
she laces your fingers together; you expect your heart to skyrocket but it just settles instead.
you don’t really want to ever talk about how the current slammed you into a reef, how you definitely thought you were going to drown. the odd peace that overtook you when you couldn’t hold your breath any longer. the lifeguards fished you out in time for you to cough up water for what felt like forever from your burning lungs, groggy and crying. but the surface level isn’t that hard: ‘i broke my ankle during the whole thing. had a few surgeries and so now it’s in mostly working order, for everyday things, but there’s like seven billion pins in it so it hurts when it’s cold or rainy sometimes.’
christen looks so genuinely concerned you want to cry.
‘makes me feel really old.’
she grants you a laugh and doesn’t mention how strangled it sounds when you say it. she squeezes your hand, though, and you focus on it, soak it in.
you want to lean forward and you’re so close you can see the freckles on her nose; she swallows and looks down to your lips.
you both jump when one of the producers brings you mics. she looks absolutely forlorn that there’s no footage of your conversation or your clasped hands or what was probably going to come next.
you dutifully put your mics on and then christen helps you up. it hurts to put weight on your ankle and she appraises you carefully before offering her arm. ‘let’s go to the kitchen, and i’ll make you avocado toast, and by the time everyone else gets up maybe your advil will have kicked in.’
you take a deep breath and then let it out slowly, smile at her as best you can and then take her arm. ‘thanks, chris.’
she waits until she helps you sit on a stool before responding, but then, absurdly, the sun breaks through the clouds as she smiles. ‘always.’
//
day 15
you reassure shirley before the second recoupling that no, no one else has turned your head; you like the friendships you’re forming with some of the other people but they’re just that: friendships. you kiss and hold hands and shirley’s accent makes you feel happy, and peaceful. you try to ignore how you lowkey ache to couple up with christen at the second recoupling, but then pinoe picks her first in a friendship couple, and they laughingly kiss on the cheek and then sit back down at the firepit with their arms around each other.
shirley, of course, chooses you, with a kind speech and a sweet kiss when you stand to join her after.
you still share a bed with shirley but, as fate would have it, pinoe’s bed is next to yours, so when you wake up into the middle of the night, you see christen’s slack face and braids cast silver in the moonlight; you long for her.
you toss and turn all night.
//
day 17
this game an absolute nightmare.
you’re blindfolded and standing in some tiny shorts and a sports bra and girl after girl walks up to you and kisses you. it’s stressful as hell because you have to rate the kiss afterward, to the general delight of everyone involved. it’s hard to tell who is who and the blindfold makes you feel a little disoriented in the hot sun, and you sigh in relief when you find out you gave alex an 8, sam a 6, and ali a 7. they’re in line with everyone else’s scores, nothing wild or controversial, just fun.
but then pinoe reveals gleefully that you gave shirley a 5, and christen a 10. you had just been rating people based on your gut; the whole point of being here, other than trying to not think about your real life, is to be honest, after all.
there’s a collective oooohh that goes through the crowd and shirley stalks off, followed by a producer. christen shoots you a look and pinoe is still grinning at you but you’re pulled into an in the moment before you get a chance to talk to anyone.
‘i, uh,’ you start when prompted by your producer to say how you’re feeling. ‘i’m feeling confused?’
you sit there uncomfortably and when it’s clear you don’t really have a lot more than that your producer sighs and ushers you back toward the main part of the villa where everyone has settled again.
you’re terrified to pull shirley for a chat; maybe even more terrified to pull christen, but you’re saved from either when pinoe and ash drag you up the stairs to a secluded balcony.
‘okay,’ pinoe says, ‘we all know you’re, like, in love with chris.’
‘i am not in love with christen,’ you say, your voice harsh and clearly panicked.
ash pats your arm. ‘aggressive phrasing aside, do you have feelings for her?’
you shrug a little helplessly. ‘how could i not? she’s, like, badass and beautiful and funny and kind and so, so smart.’
ash and pinoe share a look before they both sigh and turn back toward you. ‘we have a recoupling tomorrow, probably, dude. you gotta make a choice,’ pinoe says.
‘and you owe it to both of them to talk to shirley.’
you hang your head; you had agreed to come on this stupid show after your friends nominated you to try to get out of the lowkey depression you were in, not be in a love triangle with two people you genuinely care about.
‘yeah,’ you say, ‘i know.’
ash and pinoe nod sagely and then help you up. as you walk down the stairs, shirley is waiting near the bottom, eyes red-rimmed.
‘no time like the present,’ pinoe says, and ash side hugs you and then squeezes your shoulder.
/
the conversation goes as expected: shirley starts to cry and so you start to cry; you tell her about how you’re honestly developing feelings for christen, even though you have feelings for shirley too, just not in the same way. not the same pull. you were terrified she’d be furious at you but you never came close to cheating, so shirley seemed resigned.
but still, you feel like shit. you’ve managed to avoid christen all night and you’re dragging a warmer comforter outside to one of the daybeds so that shirley can have the bed to herself when you see christen getting a glass of water.
there’s literally nowhere to go to avoid her anymore, and you’re the only two people still up. there are cameras everywhere all the time but no one actively filming either of you right now, which makes you feel both relieved and even more anxious, but she walks to you with a gentle smile and hands you a glass of water.
‘you okay?’
you nod. ‘your kiss ruined my life, i guess.’
she waits a beat and then laughs, loudly and without restraint. ‘your whole life?’
‘yeah,’ you say, sit on your bed and sulk, even though you’re fighting a smile. ‘my whole life.’
she shakes her head at you and then turns to head back to the villa. ‘we’ll circle back in a few months.’
‘you say that now…’
her smile turns soft and she regards you for a moment—your hair in a messy bun, a hoodie crooked on your collarbones. ‘i didn’t expect you, from all of this.’
it’s honest, maybe too honest for only knowing each other for a few days. but, still, ‘i didn’t expect you either.’
she nods. ‘goodnight, tobin.’
‘sleep well, chris.’
//
day 18
your voice is shaky when you start your speech. you’d spent the entire day basically sitting and listening to everyone stress about the recoupling and you knew what you had to do; knew that shirley and christen were aware of the choice you were going to make.
but it still sucks when you have to stand in front of everyone, even worse with the knowledge that your friends and family have watched you make a mess of things.
but still, christen’s eyes are green and hopeful, and maybe a mess of things is worth it.
‘so, tonight i want to couple up with this person because, honestly, i already can’t imagine my life without them.’
it feels too heavy and serious but it’s really all you’ve got. you say some more about how christen is smart, and kind, and beautiful, and fierce, and you mean all of it. but you don’t say all of what you mean: that you want to dream up a whole life with her.
‘the person i want to couple up with is christen,’ you say, and shirley knew but her face still falls. no one gasps or seems surprised or even angry at you. you wait for a second to look at christen, who is standing, and when you do all the anxiety of the decision calms. she’s smiling and so you kiss her cheek and hold her close for a few moments.
you sit and the rest of the recoupling happens without much more drama. the moment comes when shirley is announced to be dumped from the island and your heart sinks. christen squeezes your hand and then sends you in the direction of the group that’s gathering to hug shirley goodbye.
‘i’m sorry,’ you say into her neck as you wrap your arms around her.
she backs up and looks at you softly. ‘i hope she’s worth it.’
you nod, and the knot in your chest releases a little. ’me too.’
/
you settle next to christen in bed, finally. you stay really still for a long time, until she laughs and then pushes at your hip until you understand and turn over.
she wraps her arms around you and you relax into her body. she presses a soft kiss to the back of your neck and it feels like something you’ve wanted to understand forever; like, now, you just might.