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The light click of my closing apartment door echoes through the room. I kissed him. I lean back against the dark wood of the door, close my eyes and take a deep breath. I kissed him. Why is my heart beating that fast? It shouldn’t. The kiss did not mean anything, it should not mean anything.
“I’m straight” I whisper into the silence of the room.
“I like women” I add, just to remind myself while I nod to myself in the mirror across the room pointing at my reflection as if to make sure I understand. The reflection looks back at me with wide dark brown eyes, finger aiming at my raising chest.
It’s not that Ou Wen isn’t attractive, but he is a man, a really handsome one yes, but still a man. And as far as I know I’m straight. I’ve ´never been attracted to men, never thought I would ever be, but here I am my heart beating faster at the memory of the kiss.
-
Holding Ou Wen´s filled bottle in hand I make my way back to him. Ou Wen is standing in the middle of the way between the fitness equipment’s his back in the light blue training shirt showing towards me. In front of him two men, the taller muscular one putting his arms around the waist of the much smaller one. They are talking loud enough for their voices to carry to the place where I am standing.
“Everyone is an adult here. If you wanted to break up with me, why lie about studying abroad?” Ou Wen says his voice sounding a bit hurt and maybe even slightly desperate.
“I said that back then because I did not want to hurt you” replies the tall guy in front of Ou Wen and I roll my eyes, feeling somewhat annoyed by the broad man who is facing me but does not seem to notice that I am listening to their conversation.
“Also, it won’t be awkward for either of us. But I didn’t think you…” He pauses mid-sentence grinning cocky and looking at the smaller male who is still clinging to him, before returning his gaze to Ou Wen who did not stop watching him the entire time and is now nearly noticeable shaking his head. I feel the irritation bubble up inside of me as I watch.
“Hold on, Hold on! Why are you staring at me like that? Where you actually awaiting my return this entire time?” He finishes his sentence laughing. The mean sounding giggles of the man in his arms drowning out his own laughter. Both saying something to each other that was too quit to understand, but definitely not a nice compliment judging from the looks on their faces. I clench my hands to fists. Fingernails digging into my left hand while my right holds on tight to Ou Wens bottle. This is disgusting. What right do they have to make fun of someone like this? They should be ashamed. That stupid muscular jerk did not deserve Ou Wen, who is way better than him even though the both of us did not seem to have had the best start for a friendship. I can’t stand it if people are treated unfair, especially when I know them like Ou Wen and maybe just maybe consider them at least kind of a friend.
“So, it’s really true? Do you love me that much? So if I didn’t come here with my baby today to exercise, you would have had to wait until you die.” The Jerk says and both laugh. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a second, trying to control the anger burning inside of me. How can someone like him be Ou Wens boyfriend. He is an idiot who does not seem to realise what Ou Wen is worth. Standing upright to make myself seem as tall as possible I make my way towards them, determined to make this stop and to get Ou Wen out of this situation.
Coming up close I realise just how uncomfortable this whole scenario is for Ou Wen. He is breathing loud and heavy, now trying to look everywhere but at this Jerk.
I am walking the last steps, stretching out my free hand for Ou Wen to pull him close, arm around his shoulder. He is bumping into me, and I can feel the warmth of his body through our clothes. He is looking into my eyes helpless, confused and lost. Overcome with the strong urge to help him I say “Honey” without thinking twice.
“Drink your water” I add while giving him his bottle. Taking a step away from him I point at the two idiots in front of us and ask him “Who are they?”. Ou Wen is not answering, looking at me surprised. He does not seem to be able to reply to me, so I decide to take matters into my own hands. Acting as if I just remembered it, I turn to him and ask “Is he the one you mentioned to me before? The Ex whom you were finally able to dumb?” because that is what he should have done.
I continue “Don’t worry. You have me now.” while laying my hand on his shoulder and I mean it even though not in the way I try to make the two other men think. Both of them start laughing obviously not believing in my words.
The smaller meaner one says “Is this for real? Hold on! Why is your friend so cute?” while leaning on his boyfriend.
“Laugh all you want” I respond annoyed because honestly, I have had enough of those two. I can’t stand them.
After making a show of laughing the muscular Jerk leans towards me and says “Let me tell you. I can see right away that your straight.” I guess he got me there but also don’t judge people by their look’s idiot. “You are straight as a flagpole” he adds, and I fold my arms in front of my body looking at him in irritation. “Let me tell you another thing for free.” he continues “Ou Wen hates it when others call him Honey.”
“You don’t even understand the situation. Stop embarrassing him. Why don’t you leave, little Boy?” the Jerk is telling me and at this point I am even too pissed to understand the short chat between the two while they laugh. Ou Wen was looking at the ground the entire time and that is the moment something in me snaps.
My lips turn into a short, dry smile and I shift towards Ou Wen turning him to face me by his shoulders. With a hand on his waist and the other on his jaw I pull him close to me. A second after I close my eyes, I can feel his lips on mine. They are softer than I expected and press hard against my own. Ou Wen tastes like the black coffee he is always drinking and like him, I guess. I move my other hand to his waist and pull him even closer in, kissing him deeper while doing so. One of Ou Wens hands rests on my shoulder while I can feel the other one holding his bottle against my chest. His body under my hands is warm and I can feel his firm muscles flex under my fingertips. My fingers dig deeper into the muscles I can feel on his sides while both of us back up slowly the feeling of his lips still lingering even though they aren’t pressed to mine anymore.
I open my eyes and look into his dark brown iris clouded with confusion. For a second, I get distracted by the birthmark on Ou Wens cheekbone under his left eye and my gaze lingers there. I resist the sudden temptation of caressing it. My heart is pumping loudly, and I can feel a nervous tingle in my stomach. Ou Wen is still so close that I can smell him, a bit sweaty mixed with the clean scent of soap and a faint hint of honey and vanilla.
As if waking up from a dream I realised what just happened. I kissed a boy, Ou Wen to be more specific. I did not hate it and it wasn’t as weird as I expected it to be. At least not while I was kissing him because right now it was kind of awkward. I don’t know where I should be looking right now and so my eyes wander nervously and aimless around the gym room looking everywhere but at Ou Wen who was still standing way to close to me. He must think I am strange I realise and look up to meet his eyes trying to smile reassuringly. He tries to smile back looking confused and lost, Ou Wen obviously does not know what to make out of the entire situation.
“Don’t lose to him”. The voice of the smaller man is coming from a few steps away and I remember that we are not alone. This is not just me and Ou Wen in this room.
-
“Stop thinking of it. You are not gay Mark” I say to myself and make my way further into the room while hitting both of my cheeks with my hands trying to erase the memory leaving my bag forgotten next to the door.
Why can’t I stop thinking of it? “Ahhhhhhh” I scream loudly while ruffling trough my black hair. Its driving me crazy. I flop down onto the dark grey sheets of my bed, closing my eyes. I can clearly see Ou Wen in front of me right before I dove in to kiss him, looking confused and lost. I can still feel his lips on mine and taste a hint of dark coffee. When I concentrate especially hard it seems as if I am even able to smell him, clean soap with the faint fragrance of honey and vanilla. When I close my eyes, it is as if the kiss is happening all over again.
My heart is beating against my ribcage so loudly that I am sure if anyone was in this room with me, they would be able to hear it.
I sign and rub my eyes annoyed with myself and the whole situation. What a day. Who would have known that by the end of it I would have made a total fool out of myself in front of Ou Wen. First, I kissed him because I argued with his ex about my sexuality, then I had a competition in barbell squats against said ex and afterwards my legs hurt so bad that Ou Wen needed to bring me home.
“Why?” I scream burying my face in my hands in embarrassment, trying to pretend that all of this did not just happen.
At least I did not lose against his ex...
The Jerk’s face was hilarious. He probably lied about being on the national weightlifting team. That can’t be true. I mean I won against him. Surely the highlight of my day. And at the end I even got an invitation to a meal with Chiao An Na. At least kind of.
Wasn’t that what I wanted?
Why am I not as excited as I should be and why am I still thinking of Ou Wen the whole time?
I think I am really going crazy.
Why am I still feeling his lips on mine?
Why do I still have the lingering taste of coffee on my tongue?
Why can’t I forget the look in his eyes or his warmth under my fingertips?
Maybe this kiss meant something although I am not sure what jet. Maybe the kiss meant something even though Ou Wen is a man and even though the person, I should be interested in right now is actually Chiao An Na and not Ou Wen.
Maybe against all those odds the kiss meant something, maybe a kiss always means something or maybe this one just meant something because it was Ou Wen.