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“You must not realize the face you make when you look at me… And what your voice sounds like when you talk to me.”
It was evening when I first thought of Psyche’s words said during our meeting earlier in the day. I had been so focused on finding out how Psyche had returned to her body that I hadn’t paid the comment much mind at the time, but now the words echoed in my mind.
“What did she mean by that? Did I slip up around her? That can’t be.”
I walked over to the mirror by my bedside and set down a chair. Facing the mirror I could see myself staring back, the picture of calculated neutrality. If I hadn’t been able to maintain this face at will, there was no way I could have survived the past few years.
I had been explaining to Psyche my rationale behind waiting for her near the dessert shop, and mentioned that nine out of ten servants were planted there by Eros, with the exception of Lin, who was my own spy. She laughed, I admonished her, and it was at that moment when she said it.
I thought back to the warmth of Psyche’s hands when she unexpectedly grasped mine, and the way her smooth cheek naturally fit into my hand as she held it to her face. The look in her eyes as she said “still… you are on my side, right?” She leaned forward towards me, my hand in hers and said,
“You must not realize the face you make when you look at me… And what your voice sounds like when you talk to me.”
It felt like her eyes were shining when she said that, gazing with soft affection towards me that I couldn’t help but reciprocate. That was when I freed my hand from hers, and reached up to brush back the hair covering her ears. I remembered the feel of her soft hair, and as I sat there remembering I suddenly felt the urge come over me to hold her face in my hands one more time, and-
I came back to my senses suddenly.
I looked in the mirror and saw myself staring back, a gentleness in my eyes that I had never seen before, and I inhaled sharply. What had I just been thinking? My heart was racing, and it felt incomparable to my past feelings towards Psyche, completely different to what I felt around Helio too.
To desire Psyche in that way… No, I can’t. Even worse, it shows on my face. This is unthinkable. This affection is a weakness, I recognize this now. I need to bury these feelings and they will surely pass.
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“Lady Medea, are you okay? You haven’t touched your dinner at all.”
“I’m fine Bertie, thank you for your concern, you may leave now.”
It had been two days since my discovery that I harbored unwanted feelings for Psyche, and though I had said I would bury them I can’t get her off my mind. This is getting to be a real problem, my workflow is impeded by these intrusive thoughts about her. I know that these desires of mine would only harm Psyche, she just got out of a relationship with Eros after all, and isn’t over him. She relies on me. If I acted on these feelings I would only be forcing her to pick between one tyrant or another. Psyche needs me now more than ever, and I can’t take advantage of our unique relationship to satisfy these irrational urges.
And yet…
Every time I close my eyes I see her. Every time I drift off I can feel her hands in mine, feel the softness of her cheeks and the warmth of her body so close to me. She occupies every free moment I have, I don’t think I thought about Psyche this much even when I was in her body.
In my weaker moments I wonder why she said those things to me, why she looked at me with such affection and reached out to grab my hand. I ask myself “could it be…?” but each time I come to a different conclusion. The variables are too numerous for me to infer why she did that. I can see three distinct possibilities. One, the most likely, is that she acted out of genuine platonic admiration for me. This is highly probable, it’s not as though she ever made her admiration for me a secret. The second possibility is less likely, but Psyche has matured a lot since the body swap happened, so could she have read the affection being displayed on my face and played into it to appease me? I doubt it but it’s not impossible. The third possibility? This is merely my own vanity, I know it’s impossible, but could she…?
No, that’s merely my own irrationality poisoning my analysis.
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It has been over a month since the last time I was able to see Lady Medea near the dessert shop. Every day I hoped and prayed that I could get more chances to see her, and today my prayers were answered! The letter arrived at the manor this morning, and I’ve been invited to the Solon estate for tea!
Since our last meeting I’ve been thinking a lot about what I need to do. These past few months have completely upended my reality, and I’m still struggling to find my footing. Eros… I thought I loved him, but all he did was take advantage of my . He’s turned the entire staff at the manor into his spies, and he’s tried to kill me, or at least my body, multiple times. Looking back on it I can’t say for certain if I ever truly loved him. The way I felt about him, no, the way he wanted me to feel about him was never the love you would give to your partner. Yes, he wanted me to adore him, but in the way that a priest adores God. We were never meant to be equal.
Throughout all of this, the only person I was ever able to rely on, who actually looked at me, and not solely at my divinity, was Medea. At first, I had to become Medea to survive, and in doing so I have learned to walk with pride and control which side of me others get to see. I felt like I could never live up to her legacy, and constantly lived in fear of being discovered as a fraud, but looking back on that time I learned a lot of valuable skills that I still continue to use now that I’ve returned to my own body. After we had started to realize what was happening, I found that Medea was my rock, she was the single person I could trust in this world, and the only one I could rely on to help me survive. I think… Initially I viewed Medea the same way I viewed Eros, as a savior who I felt an almost fanatical devotion to. It didn’t help that I literally had to become Medea, and so the dynamic felt more like I was trying to mould myself into her image.
I want to change.
I would be lying if I said that I didn’t still sometimes have these pangs of unhealthy adoration for Medea, but I am no longer content with worshipping her from afar. I want to stand by Medea’s side as her equal, she’s the first person to make me feel like I can change and improve based on my own power. After learning about the struggles Medea has faced, I discovered that although we seem quite different on the surface, we come from similar backgrounds. I never would have thought that Medea, who I had seen as a powerful and capable woman, would have suffered so much throughout her life. It made me think that if she could stand in the face of such adversity then maybe, just maybe, I could do the same.
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It was the day of my meeting with Lady Medea and I was feeling horribly nervous. I must have spent at least four hours the night before just deciding what dress to wear, and as I stepped out of the carriage I felt my heart begin to pound with anticipation. As I followed the familiar butler towards the estate which I had lived in while occupying Medea’s body, all I could think about was her. The way she walked, the way she stood with an unforgettable poise, as though all the world was beneath her, her long and silky purple hair, and her eyes. Her eyes had always left the strongest impression on me, from the first moment I met her I felt like she was staring into my soul with her vibrant purple irises reflecting my being in a way that no one else did. At night, when I close my eyes I often see her eyes staring at me, and I can’t help but get lost in them as I fade from consciousness. As I stepped into the estate and finally shook off the last of those awful eyes that Eros had planted to keep watch over me, I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. It was hard to notice in my day to day life but the burden of knowing your every move is being watched and recorded is really draining. I felt safe here in the Solon estate, funny enough.
My anticipation grew as I was led through the familiar corridors to the greenhouse in the back, and all I could think of was how much I longed to see her. To see Medea.
Finally, I entered the greenhouse and standing in front of a table stocked with tea and biscuits, was Medea Solon herself.
“Hello, Psyche, it has been such a long time. Everyone is dismissed from here, I would like to have a private conversation with Lady Psyche.”
I couldn’t help but spend a moment to take her in. Medea. When I saw her all the nervousness that had built up just left me. Seeing her like this, I still felt the joy of seeing Medea in her own body, the relief that in some way or another, we both survived. When I see her, I feel like we’ll be okay, that despite the world having no place for us we might find some solace in each other’s company. She stood casually in a pair of black pants, with a matching button up shirt and a purple vest that matched her eyes. Medea’s hair was pulled up into a ponytail and her ears were adorned with ornate red gemstone earrings. Her sleeves were cuffed and her thin hands rested casually on the back of the chair. At that moment for some reason I found myself remembering the sensation of her slightly cold hand caressing my cheek during our reunion.
“What are you standing around gawking for? Come, sit. I remembered that this tea brand was to your liking during our last meeting here.”
“Ah! Sorry!”
I snapped out of my revelry in an instant. Medea was looking at me with the usual smirk she showed towards me, but her eyes looked slightly more gentle than the last time we had met. Something about the way she looked at me made my heart skip, and I could feel my face growing hot. Come on Psyche, snap out of it! The mental admonishment worked and I went to sit down across from her as we always had.
As soon as we sat down I started filling Medea in on all the things that had happened since the last time we saw each other. It felt so nice to be able to just talk, no worries about whether the words I said would be reported to Eros or used against me, just having an honest conversation. Being around Medea feels so comfortable. Before I had said that talking with her reminded me of the old days, but we’re much closer now than we were back then. After all the things we’ve been through she’s practically my other half, I can’t even imagine life without her.
Hold on, my other half? That sounds more like a lover than a friend- Wait, what?! A Lover?! How could I think that about Lady Medea!
“Psyche”
I must admit though, she’s certainly an important person to me. Medea is the woman who has at various points been my friend, rival, enemy, confidant, and now…
And now what? She’s so much more to me than a confidant, and my feelings for her have long since passed the point of friendship…
“PSYCHE!”
“AH, YES?!”
I rapidly jolted back to reality to find Medea standing up from her chair and leaning over the table to look at me.
“Psyche, you stopped responding in the middle of our conversation, what happened?”
“Oh, I uh, just got lost in thoughts for a second, nothing much.”
“Oh?”
Medea leaned forward and her eyes were staring unblinkingly into my own. As I stared back, unsure of how to explain myself, I saw her eyes flash with a fire I had never seen before. The way she looked at me was fierce, a deep seated possessiveness radiating from within as she reached towards me with her hand and grasped my chin.
I froze, all thoughts leaving my mind at that instant.
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I was in the middle of telling Psyche something when she stopped responding, but I noticed almost immediately. I finished what I was saying and then tentatively called her name, but got no response. Her eyes seemed to be looking at me, but I could tell she wasn’t seeing me, she was thinking through something. I paused to let Psyche collect her thoughts, but when after thirty seconds she still was in a daze I leaned forward and yelled her name, finally startling her out of whatever thought process she had just been in the midst of. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her. With all the mystery still surrounding her divinity, I had a sudden thought of ‘what if Psyche’s soul was taken away’. If we could swap souls, then the potential for god to take Psyche’s soul somewhere else couldn’t be completely ruled out. I lost my cool and yelled at her, but I felt a pang of relief when she came to.
However
When Psyche said that she had just “gotten lost in her thoughts for a second” I could tell she was hiding something from me. I had a momentary lapse, and I felt my emotions surge as I reached out to gently grasp her chin. I leaned in and lifted her head so that I was looking directly into her eyes.
“You’re hiding something from me.”
I said it as a statement of fact rather than a question because I know Psyche better than anyone else.
“I won’t force you to tell me, but I’ll say this. I don’t care who or what you were thinking about, but while we’re here together, I want you to look only at me, Psyche.”
As I realized what I had just said and done I felt Psyche’s face burning up in my hand. She stared at me wide eyed and with her mouth partially open in shock; a deep blush dyed her face pink. This reaction… What I said was certainly much riskier than my normal style, did it really cause her this much shock?
“Psyche, why do you look so shocked, did my words have that much of an impact on you?”
“Ah! Uh, n-no Lady Medea. I just, uh, w-when you grabbed my chin and leaned in for a second I thought, I thought you were going to k-kiss me or something ahahaha… And uhh, your words were very um passionate so uh...”
What?
I stared at Psyche, completely still for a single moment.
“And if I had kissed you? What would you have done?”
Psyche opened and closed her mouth a few times, eyes darting to every corner to avoid meeting mine and after a pause she tentatively glanced at me and said
“If, if you were to have kissed me, I probably wouldn’t mind… I-I mean I-”
“Psyche.”
I leaned forward and kissed her. I saw her eyes widen in shock before slowly closing to lean into it as well. Her lips were soft and I could taste a hint of the tea still lingering. I pulled away and Psyche’s eyes fluttered open.
“Lady Medea”
Her voice trembled slightly as she looked at me, her lashes fluttering as she blinked. Her eyes were watery and a small tear drop fell down her cheek. I immediately pulled back and let go of her chin, my heart fell at the sight.
“Did you not like it?”
Psyche wiped the tear off her face and rapidly shook her head.
“No, no! I’m just, I don’t know how to describe this feeling, but I’m really happy right now.”
I stepped around the table and walked towards Psyche. I stopped in front of her and wrapped my arms around her waist as naturally as if I had been doing it all my life. Psyche placed her hands on my hips and I leaned into the embrace, letting our foreheads touch. I whispered out the words that I had been bottling up this entire time.
“Psyche, I love you.”
Psyche giggled as she nuzzled my cheek with her nose.
“I love you too, Lady Medea.”
“Psyche, from now on you aren’t allowed to look at anyone else but me.”
“Yes… And you aren’t allowed to look at anyone else either!”
I couldn’t help but chuckle,
“Of course.”
I pulled Psyche closer and lowered my head to kiss her again. Psyche naturally met me halfway and our lips met once more. This time, she brought her hands up to cup my face and deepened the kiss. I leaned into it. She easily breached my lips and ventured deeper, exploring every part of me and guiding me along at the same time; my mind began to go blank. I held onto her tightly as my legs buckled for a moment before regaining my balance and it wasn’t until then that she pulled away, panting slightly as she looked at me with desire stained eyes.
I was the first to speak up, only barely having regained my composure.
“Our meeting, it’s almost time. I won’t be able to stop if we keep going.”
“Yes, we probably should stop now, shouldn’t we.”
Psyche grinned as she leaned in one more time.
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