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The melted snow started dropping at the glass window like drizzles. It’s freezing cold all over New York again and people are looking forward to the upcoming Black Friday Sale. If it’s any other year, she would’ve been one of them too, but this time there' only one thing she had been looking forward to for months now.
One thing the people from Thailand, and maybe some other parts of the world, had also been looking forward to for more than a decade.
“Good evening, Mr. Chivaaree. I’m Celestine from THAImes Magazine.” She extended her hand to the man who just arrived in the room. He looked at her with what only could be read as amusement.
“Hi. Sorry it took so long for me to get here. Downtown was heavily covered with snow.” They exchanged another smile before sitting down in the small interview room of the office.
“No, it’s totally fine. Honored to wait, actually.” He stared at her again, smiling wider than the previous one he gave. Was it the lips? Probably. Wait, no. It’s the eyes. Definitely the eyes. It’s droopy and somehow shallow but it’s alluring in its own way.
Way to go, Thailand. How could this impeccable man be your child?
In that fleeting moment she suddenly realized her dead air was a bit inappropriate for rare sit-downs like that, so she quickly pulled herself together. He didn’t seem to mind though. Not a slight discomfort or cringe were displayed in his well-put face. Still looking fresh and warm despite the freezing temperature outside.
In between sipping coffee and hot chocolate, they got on with their agenda right after they exchanged conversation starters, with Thailand being the common denominator for most of it. Had it not been for the phone recorder that reached its maximum capacity, she wouldn’t have stray her gaze away from him.
“...and then they said to never cross the line.” It was only at that point of the conversation that he got serious. Went full on restrictive with his own emotions. Gone were the alluring eyes and enchanting smiles.
I. AN UPSTATE ESCAPE
"I walked through the door with you, the air was cold
But somethin’ ‘bout it felt like home somehow"
"And I left my coat there at your sister’s house
And you still got it in our drawer even now"
Life had been terrible for Bright but it became bearable when Win came. And the same had been suffocating for Win, but became breathable when he met Bright. Two young men venturing themselves out in the open, visuals and skills in the frontline. Dedication and professionalism followed. Strong heart, the next.
They took the country by storm, the world by hurricane.
Endorsements here and there, fan clubs growing rapidly right before their eyes, project offers too good to resist, incessant teasing of how their chemistry just works perfectly.
The glitz and glamour loved them. The crowd craved for them. Their supporters celebrated with them. They were hailed, not just in Thailand but so do in places they haven’t even been to.
They were even named Kings and Princes of things.
Life was good. So damn good they constantly ask each other if all of it was real.
“Are you real?”, Win asked Bright for the nth time that day. They just finished shooting for another commercial none of them could announce yet. Inside that tinted van, with two customized leather seats in the middle but were never used by their bodies to rest because they always end up cuddling at the back seat, Bright answered with another question.
“What do you mean?” The younger scooted closer to him, nozzle his face in his chest and wrapped his long hands around his waist.
“I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I just made you up.” Win, scared and doubtful for how all of it would last. In the brevity of time, they erased the ordered steps in an artist’s ladder of success. They rose to fame like a skyrocket, claimed trophies and awards with their names engraved on it.
He was afraid that with just a snap, the same adoration from people could take everything away from him. Including Bright.
Especially Bright.
"Oh your sweet disposition and my wide eyed gaze
We’re singing in the car getting lost upstate"
"Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place
And I wanted it to last for days "
“I’m real. I’ll stay real, whatever happens.” They may have said that to each other as many times as their social media followers added everyday.
It was a consistent reassurance from the daily low blows of fame. And they stayed true to that promise. Even after every actor’s cue, even after every wrap up, even after every turning off the spotlights. It was through each other’s truth that they were able to identify reality from scrutiny.
People could call them names, but only each other’s lips could utter it with such sweetness. People could demand whatever they want, but only with each other’s request would they give in unhesitatingly.
But despite all of those, the word that equated to their actions was never mentioned.
Or maybe they already knew, they just haven’t realized how deep their onscreen kisses had gotten, or how their declaration of love felt so real they almost forgot they were for the characters they’re playing.
II. THE FIRST CRACK IN THE GLASS
"And I know it’s long gone
and that magic’s not here no more"
“Are we okay?”
We’re not fine at all…
“I’m in love with you.”, Win said one night they were at Bright’s condo. They agreed to have ‘the talk’, without knowing what it could be about.
Anyone who went through “the talk” would agree that it’s highly unfavorable. It would hurt, eventually. At first there’s a lot of bringing up the positives and the perks, and then the next, the reasons and justifications of why you were circling around the problem rather than arriving at a solution would drop like like remnants of snow. It would outnumber all the positive things that were first mentioned.
But that night, it was different.
He was heavily affected with the things he read online, and he took all his anger out on Bright. And just like normal people, celebrities also don’t glorify every single day there is within a week.
Bad days come, too. Sometimes, the worst of the worst.
Win, without looking directly at Bright, burst into tears. He struggled to move his mouth and speak just as much as he struggled finding the right words to do so. Bright sat down; stance dismantled from what he heard.
“You promised to stay real, Win.”, His best effort in confronting the man he thought was joking.
But Win was crying.
“This is me staying true to you. Maybe it’s been here all along. But I only started acknowledging it after the concert. After I limped and you accidentally brushed your lips on my cheek.”, Win swore he replayed that moment in his head more than he should have.
It was their first concert with the fans, everything was supposed to be special.
Everything was, until that little incident happened. Suddenly everything else became ordinary.
That accidental kiss became the highlight of his night.
“Since that day, I wished we weren’t pretending. I wished our kisses were as real as it could get. I wished there weren’t any scripts. I wished there weren’t any cuts.” It was a risky move. Maybe he only confessed out of frustration. But they promised to stay real.
And not because he was being real, it meant he would be in for a reward.
It’s only at school where you get a medal for being the “Most Honest”.
How he wished it was kindergarten all over again.
" Cause there we are again on that little town street
You almost ran the red ‘cause you were looking over at me
"Wind in my hair, I was there
I remember i t all too well"
“I stopped acting. I stopped pretending.”, Bright said as he slowly held Win’s innocent-looking face. He didn’t need a script, or a director’s cue. “I stopped acting even before the concert.” He gently threaded his fingers onto the younger’s hair.
Win looked at him with incredulity. Oh the power of his eyes, two omniscient orbs that could easily put the crescent moon to shame.
“This is me staying true to you.” Finally, the courage to form a smile amidst the mirage of everything. He remembered it all.
Moment by moment, both fleeting and convulsive. Spotlights bother him but it’s nothing compared to the blinding truth he held for him.
“I love you, Win.” His feelings started to unravel through his tears. At each drop was a memory of how he came about that realization. The pining and the dodging, the hiding and confronting.
“I have been ever since the first time we kissed on screen.” He knew it was real. He knew it was rare. He was there, and he remembered every touch, every look, every heartbeat.
He remembered it all too well.
“Photo album on the counter
your cheeks were turning red”
"Don’t mock me, you used to be a little kid with big
round glasses in a twin-sized bed"
“They already know, don’t they?” Bright’s giggle hovered over the sound proof car, beating the system that mutes everything. It wasn’t in the loudness of his voice, but the truthfulness in the way he professed it.
“Well, who wouldn’t when you spent the entire time of your visit just gushing about my baby pictures?” Win rolled his eyes, trying to look assertive but everything he did was just endearing for Bright.
As frequent as he wanted to sleep over at Win’s house, he looked forward more to the time they were alone inside the car. He couldn’t explain it, but there was stillness and peace whenever they’re singing in the car, losing track of time that kept running for everyone else, but never for them.
Love is the only thing that time couldn’t shrivel.
For Bright and Win, minutes equate in glances and seconds are measured in their light touches.
"And your mother’s telling stories ‘bout you on the football team"
"You taught me ‘bout your past thinkin’ your future was me"
He laughed as he listened to Bright’s mom recall the struggle of the persistent little kid who taught himself the basics of football. She allowed him to peek at the pictures of little Bright, which the actor strictly prohibited from being displayed outside the box he kept too well.
His clothes were soaked in mud and his face was covered in dirt. There were a lot of shots that showed him in different jersey uniforms, some still looked decent despite it being used regularly, some were evidently shabby due to countless usage.
But the consistency of his untangled shoelaces served as concrete evidence of how hard he tried every chance he got. And of how his efforts didn’t go in vain knowing how good of a player he became after that.
It was funny to look at for some, and it was for him at times, too. But he would always remember how those times made him question why a Dad was never present to teach him. Why was he there alone, unlike the other kids, kicking tirelessly while the other rested and ate burgers at the bleachers.
Win sobbed, his heart broke for the love of his life. He kept on apologizing despite Bright insisting it was all in the past and he was just sharing it to him. But the fact that he still remembered it all too well only shattered the younger in pieces.
So he also told him about his past. How before becoming obedient, he was once a rebel and a stubborn first. How before turning wholesome, he was once a wildcat on the run. He lived the celebrity life first before becoming a real one- hopping from underground parties and high end pubs.
He was reminded of how he used to live his life when fans found photos of him in different clubs.
“I love you.” , he said.
“I love you, too.”, the other answered.
No scripts, no actor’s cue. Just two people living honestly behind the faux.
III. “IS THIS REAL?”
"And you were tossing me the car keys
‘Fck this industry’, keychain on the ground
We were always skipping town"
“And I was thinking on the drive down
Any time now, he’s gonna say it’s love”
We both called it what it was
NEWS FLASH: "Brightwin real" TRENDS #1 IN ASIA
The realness of their love traversed through the screen, right at the hearts of the viewers, even so of the fans.
There were a lot of theories about when and how they became a real couple, and how after those days they started looking at each other differently.
And amidst the pressure, they have been consistent with their default response. They didn’t deny, but didn’t confirm anything either. They would just charm their way from the hearsays.
Their chemistry reached another level, it intensified to the point of birthing out their first ever movie.
Not that they felt required to calibrate their journey to other celebrities their age, but in the history of their agency, none of their colleagues have reached that level of popularity.
It was phenomenal, considering the length of time they were in the limelight.
“Is this real?”, Win asked Bright right after they attended their premiere. The support and love from their fans were surreal. The high of it all was overwhelming.
If somebody told their younger selves things would turn out that way, they would immediately cuss the bejesus out of them.
Bright was driving the Porsche, and slowly, he reached out for Win’s left hand, held it close to his face and planted little kisses on it. Like he was savoring a pigment of reality from the dreamy events taking place one after another.
“It’s real”, he said briefly, sniffing Win’s hand, tightening his grip as he intended to keep it there.
The younger smiled at the sight of the man of his dreams. He chuckled as Bright caressed his own cheek using his hand. “Are you not gonna let go? Focus on the road.”, he asked teasingly.
But Bright looked at him with sincerity, one he never asked but Bright willingly gave.
“I will never drop your hand.” As if the high from their career wasn’t already enough to intensify his feelings, there he was again, swiftly swayed by the charm of the man he only thought of first as an onscreen partner.
They felt their hearts bursting in elation. Bright opened the car window to aid their suffocation. And in that exact time their smiles lingered even after looking away, wind magically rejoicing in their hair, they felt themselves surrender to the moment.
They allowed it to own them, reminding themselves that they were there. And they knew they would remember that night well.
Love. They both called it what it was.
But as they took on the world by storm, the peace and quiet was suddenly rumbled by an unexpected earthquake. It hit them like a bolt sharpened by the God of Thunder himself.
“Is this real??!” everyone asked Win. His manager, the management, the agency executives. And he wanted to tell them that it might be.
He was as confused and lightheaded as he was the night she was saying it happened. The questions escalated to tampered solutions. The PR Team was quick to conduct damage control.
“Where’s Bright? I need to see Bright. I want to see Bright.” He panicked not because of the possibility of the rumor spreading as quickly as their team reprimanded it. His world was slowly crashing right before his eyes.
“He’ll be here in an hour. Don’t worry, Win. He knew she was somebody from your past. And this revelation about your one night stand with her might just be a call for attention.”, his road manager tried to calm him down as the issue progressed.
Not even a little later after, another blow up surprised the shit out of Win. “What do you mean she just left?” He asked the staff who gave him a letter then later on led him to one of the agency’s rooms.
Everybody was in complete shock. Things happened so fast.
He entered that room looking at the solid proof that their union happened. Right then and there he dropped on his knees and cried his heart out.
It wasn’t long enough until Bright arrived, and when he slowly went over to Win, the tears he successfully hid from everybody who saw him in that building started falling like a dam.
Bright sobbed, it’s his heart’s turn to break for the love of his life. He watched Win mouth the words “I love you and I’m sorry” repeatedly. And beside Win, he saw himself.
He froze for more than a minute. He hadn't gotten near his partner but he was thinking about football and how difficult and unfair it was to learn on your own.
“Let’s get out of here please. Just this once.” His voice was almost begging. They ran away for a while, far enough to breathe but close enough within their reality’s reach.
The ride was steady but it wasn't like the ones that filled the car whenever they drove around. The wind was still there but gone were the rejoicing that twirled with it. Their chatters usually overpower the stillness of the air, but that day it was their silence that won over.
They were hugging each other, crying on their shoulders, intently seeking guidance from whoever possessed immense wisdom. Because they couldn’t figure anything out. Their careers, it was the only thing they wanted to do at that time. Sometimes it could get ugly and glam could also mean slam but they loved their job.
Calls fervently reached them as if they’re a target who just committed a crime. And how they wished they really did, for through that way they could still buy more time while someone read them a warrant.
But they didn’t, and the crime they would commit was if they didn’t turn around and go back. They had to go back.
They wanted to freeze time, avoid the chaos and stay calm . But calm had other clients and they weren’t on the priority list.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do.” he cupped his face as he told him about the damage control he had to do to prevent the press from getting things out of context. “Fuck this industry!”, Bright angrily vented out as he picked up the car keys he tossed out of frustration. They drove back and Win was crying on the ride home.
The ugly side of their industry was how demanding it would get first before arriving at a perfectly curated image in the public’s tv screen. And Win felt guilty because he couldn’t fulfill his prior commitments anymore.
“I won’t leave you, Win. You have me. I will support you every way I can.” Those words mattered more than what was discussed in the executive’s table. He hugged him tightly and uttered I love you’s to his ears interchangeably.
IV. THE BREAKING POINT
“Swearing it’s the same, after 3 months in the grave
And then you wondered where it went to”
"I reached for you but All I felt was shame
And you held my lifeless frame
And I know it’s long gone and
There was nothing else I could do"
“They want me to rest for a while. Lie low from the public eye. I would still take on projects, but all would be subject to the management’s approval first.” Win stared at their billboard seen from Bright’s condo. The other was sitting quietly beside him, thoughts evaporating one by one. After deep breaths of total surrender, he hugged the younger from behind, tightly enough to become his resolve.
“We’ll be fine. It’s just for a short period of time.”, the younger assured him. Bright’s little kisses sent words of affirmation to Win. They’d be fine.
“I’m tired.” Win knew they both were. In the constant attempt to dismiss the difficulty of the situation, with a career thriving at the side, anyone would be tired.
That responsibility looked back at them in absolute innocence.
“I am, too, you know.” Bright ran his fingers through his hair, still sticky from earlier glam shoots. He walked away from the room, spent the entire night at his own place to think.
They were supposed to be each other’s reality, yet it kept getting harder and harder to come home to a complete destruction of tranquility.
V. THE REELING
"And I forget about you long enough t o forget why I needed to…”
"But there we are again in the middle of the night
We’re dancing and crying and laughing round the kitchen
In the refrigerator light"
"Down the stairs, he was there he remembers it all too well…"
“And there we are again w hen nobody had to know”
"We kept it like a secret, p rotect it like an oath"
"Then we’d pray, and we’d swear to remember it all too well"
They started reading more bills instead of scripts. They started arguing more than they exchanged dialogues.
“It’s a wrap!” didn’t sound as delightful as it used to for it meant the pretending had to stop, and somewhere along the mess, there was an overturn between their set at work and their reality at home.
But then suddenly Bright pulled him away from the quicksand of overthinking and led him to the kitchen. There they danced their worries away, with little tears undistinguishable if for havoc or triumph.
And then they started twirling and laughing and it didn’t matter if they looked like they’re out of their minds, because they were.
“I love you.” Those three little words that go through and beyond the situation at hand. In the vastness that those words covered, they hoped it would be enough to protect them like an oath.
“Well maybe we g ot lost in translation
Maybe I asked for too much”
"But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up"
"Running scared, I was there
I remember it all too well"
But yet again, they stood in dissonance. Should they run? They were scared but would they be fit enough to outrun the rage?
What they were, what they had, used to look like a quintessential for superstars.
Did it matter? A lot. In fact, it was everything. But would the running be worth the rest that comes after?
VI. THE REMEMBERING
"And you call me up again
Just to stitch me whole like you promised"
"So casually faithful in the name of being honest
I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
But you remember it all, all, all"
“I love you, Win. I love you more than anything else we thought mattered. I’m choosing you.” Bright blurted on the phone, not even waiting for Win to say hello. He only heard cries from the other line. It went on for a while before it descended to steady breathing.
“I told you I won’t ever drop your hand, remember?” Then he cried some more. Bright didn’t forget anything at all. Everything they went through, every obstacle and odd they conquered, had it not been Bright, he was certain he wouldn’t survive anything at all.
“I love you so much, Bright. I love you and that’s all I’ve ever known.” Win tried his best for those words to come out of his mouth, not because he was forced to do so, but because he could feel his heart exploding from the sea of emotions.
"The idea we had of the industry
A never-needy, ever lovely jewel
Whose shine reflects right back at you"
Unknown to the public eye was the exhausting struggle they had to go through just to keep themselves together. It gave them the spotlight their talents deserved but it eventually took away the peace that mattered.
It put them on the pedestal, so high they got afraid of looking down. It threw glitters at them and accentuated their perfection that they forgot everything people considered perfect came with a price.
The people that genuinely became their source of strength would remain memorable and the phenomenon they created would always be in the hearts of those who loved them and they loved back just the same.
They won’t ever forget. They would remember it well.
VII. TEN YEARS GONE
"You.
That’s what happened: You."
"You, who charmed your dad with self-effacing jokes
Pretending to sip your coffee like you were on a late night show"
"Time won’t fly I t’s like we’re paralyzed by it
Soon we’d have courage to accept you can’t be your old self again
But we're still trying to find it"
"Cause there we are again when I loved you so
Back before we lost the one real thing we’ve ever known"
"But ours was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well
Wind in my hair, you were there ,y ou remember it all"
"Down the stairs, he was there. He’ll remember it all"
"Just between us, did the young love tame you, too?"
At times when it’s quiet, Win ponders over the memories of Thailand and how their confusions turned to affirmations. They really bid goodbye to the one real thing they've ever known. Bright gently comes to him and hugs him from behind, letting that cold air from their breaths settle in the crook of Win’s neck.
They smile as they watch New York’s glow shine brightly to whoever needed it to see.
He’s worth it.
They’re worth it. Glory is worth trading for domesticity.
"And I was never good at telling jokes
But the punchline goes:
“I’ll get older, but your love story will stay my age”
"Cause in this city’s barren cold, I still remember the first fall of snow
And how it glistened as it fell, I remember it all too well"
“I still remember the cameras that followed us all the time. Ah, those flashing lights. I even once thought it would blind me.” He laughed at how naïve he used to be. Celestine smiles at his innocence.
“But more than anything, there’s one thing I can clearly remember.” He sips the coffee before answering, looking directly at her eyes as if trying to relay a memory delicately frozen by time.
“All the dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light.” He chuckled as he shifted his gaze outside the glass window. “I was down the stairs and I remember all of it well.”
New York had been good to them. He remembered how they first came to the city, it was snowing and everything felt like a fairytale to him. The blinding lights, different from what used to follow them all around in Thailand. The buildings that had no faces of them plastered. The people, who just went by when they meet his eyes, entirely opposite from those he considered his little crew.
If he’s really going to think about it, nothing is really special about the first fall of snow. That’s just nature and science. But for people like him, for people like them who have associated a fond memory with it, no matter where they are, the first fall of snow would always and will remain magical to them, glistening even.
They finished the interview just in time as agreed. “Would you be available on the day we launch the magazine's anniversary issue, Sir?” Celestine asked, she then gave him an invitation to that launching party their company organized.
He willingly took it but did not give any confirmation because that day unluckily fell on “Football Fridays”. It’s snowing heavily but he couldn't get a hard pass on football, especially if the one back home made a logical point that also be done outside the field.
They’d just watch their favorite team play on the television.
“One last thing, Sir. Should I put “Mr. Chivaaree” on the credit of the interview?” It made him think. There was a little hesitance in his face that if you weren't quick enough to catch, you'd surely miss.
Do they need to say it out loud? Do he dare proclaim it to the world? Does she have to know?
Maybe they don’t. But maybe they probably will.
He smiled as he wrote a name at the back of his uber ticket, and even added his number on it. Just shooting his chances, in case she’d want to ask him for another interview, or a casual hang out. Anything would do, really.
She thanked him for his time and he did the same.
As he walked outside the door, she flipped the paper he left. She laughed a little when she saw a phone number on it. And then what remained in that piece of paper was a name.
But it’s not Opas-iamkajorn. Also not Chivaaree.
Just a name so foreign to her. A name, that once she put out there, would instantly bring back memories even to those who have forgotten them.
"Just between us, I’ll tell you the love affair
we’d remember all too well"
"Wind in my hair I was there, I was there
Down the stairs I was there, I was there
Sacred prayer I was there, I was there
It was rare, you remember it
All too well"
She watched him put on his coat, maybe it was still the one “from the very first week”. He joyfully ran outside, two men approaching him, hands intertwined despite the thick gloves covering them.
The two ruffled the man’s hair and gave him kisses all over his face, some he successfully dodged, some he annoyingly welcomed. She observed how their faces were adorned with the time that had gone by. But if she’s going to be honest, they still look like they’re in their prime years.
Before going back to the car, the two men looked over her and smiled. They gave her a wai and it sent her an amusing feeling. There was still a piece of Thailand in them despite living in New York for so long. She gladly returned the customary greeting.
And though it was freezing cold all around the city, she definitely felt the warmth just by watching over the three.
If there’s one thing she would tell the people of Thailand, and of the world, it’s that everything about their beloved superstars went well. All too well.
Him, Vachirawit Chivaaree
Him, Metawin Opas-iamkajorn
"That responsibility looked back at them in absolute innocence."
"He's worth it."
"You. That's what happened: YOU."
Him later on, Dome Opas-Chivaaree
"All's well that ends well."