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Michael laid down on his carpet, re-counting the glow-in-the-dark stars in the basement ceiling that he and Jeremy had stuck there years and years ago.
The distraction technique was barely helping to calm his racing thoughts, because it made him think of him even more, but it was better than nothing.
Music was softly playing from his speakers as he just laid frozen and stuck in his own head. The last time Michael checked the time it had been around 2am. That might have been an hour ago, maybe two. He often lost track of time on a good day, so the concept was near nonexistent now.
He let out a long drawn-out sigh as his playlist switched from one melancholy love song to another. Damn, he really needed to get a grip. He felt like a cliché high-school movie trope. But there was no one here to witness him wallowing in this melodramatic teenage heartbreak, so who gave a shit, really?
Michael eventually rolled on to his stomach, his tired muscles protesting the action. His entire body felt like lead, the exhaustion, both mental and physical, was taking it's toll on him. He snatched his phone and checked his messages, briefly considering about messaging the main subject of his nightly insomnia fest, but soon dismissed the idea. He wasn't Jeremy's problem to deal with, despite how much he felt like he needed his best friend right now. Two months ago he might have actually gone through with it. But their relationship wasn't the same yet, despite their joined efforts to build it back up again.
He turned his head away in shame and pocketed his phone, feeling selfish, before gingerly getting up and sitting down on his bed. The familiar voice of Cavetown drifted around his dark room as he buried his head in his hands.
'I guess it's just another one of those nights
When I'll spend way too much time
On something so small that no one really cares about at all'
This whole ordeal was becoming a suffocating routine. He'd wake up, go to school, hang out with Jeremy and talk with their other friends. He'd see Jeremy and Christine together, he'd feel like shit, just to push those thoughts aside for the sake of his best friend. Christine made Jeremy happy. That was all that really mattered.
Then nightfall would bring his walls down, and he'd feel like his own head was tearing him apart until he either passed out for a couple of hours, or stayed awake until he had to get up.
'I guess it's just another one of those thoughts
And I can't really find a cause
Whether it's all just in my mind or something more here in my life'
Jeremy had expressed his concern for him today during lunch, despite the positive and energized act he put on. He knew he had dark circles under his eyes, and that his skin was losing it's natural tan.
Sure he had been harboring these feelings for alot longer than he liked to admit. But it all got so much worse after what Rich and later everyone had dupped as the 'Squipcident'. It was another thing to hear your best friend of 12 years gushing about a girl and going to ridiculous lenghts to get said girl's attention. It was different when things actually got to the point of dating.
'It's you, it's you
Oh god, it's you, it's you'
Michael might be uncertain about alot of things in his life, but one thing he knew for certain.
He was in love with his best friend.
'If you're awake then I am too'
If you're lost then I'll find you
If you're hurt then I'll fix you
If you go blind I'll describe the view
If you can't feel then I'll hold you
If you fall know I've got you'
He knew he'd never be able to utter those words. He knew he'd never get enough courage to potentially ruin everything and loose his friend for good.
Michael leaned back, the matress creaking under his weight as he forced down the stubborn tears that had a death-grip around his throat.
'And if you fall down too far and I can't see you through these marks
And your eyes are covered in scars, and my head's filling with tar
Don't worry we'll find another way out'
He'd give up everything for his best friend. And the worst part was that no matter how much Jeremy had hurt him in the past or how much he'd hurt him in the future, his feelings didn't dissipate. They were rooted too deep into his very soul, like vines wrapping around his lungs and heart.
He thought about rolling a joint to help him relax, but decided against it. He was afraid he'd have a panic attack in his distressed state, and that was the last thing he needed right now.
'Your silhouette doesn't look quite right
And I can never find the time
To bury my hands in words
I'd grow a new kind of evergreen tree, just for you and me
On second thoughts, will you even remember me?'
If he died in his sleep, would anyone really miss him in the morning? If he listened to the persistend voice in his head, and just gave up, who would he be remembered as?
The antisocial headphones kid? Jeremy Heere's best friend? The weird guy who hung around the popular kids? Or just a plain old loser?
He used to wear that title with pride. Now it felt like a brand he'd never get rid of.
Jeremy had his life ahead of him. He had friends, a girlfriend, the drama club, even a dad who really tried his best after years of emotional absence.
And all Michael really had was Jeremy. The boy he'd loved since middle school. His best friend, his Player Two. His only link to their shared new friends.
'But it's always been you (It's always been you)
It's always been you (It's always been you)
It's always been you (It's always been you)'
He shook his head as the tears rolled down the sides of his face and disappeared into his hair. He knew it was just in his head. These thoughts that plagued him. He saw enough proof everytime he and Jeremy hung out, played video games, got high or just talked for hours on end about the most ridiculous things. He knew it. Logically.
But when did these thoughts ever follow any sort of logic?
Numbly, he checked the time. The blinking red numbers on his alarm clock read 3:57am. Reluctantly, he lifted the Pac-Man themed covers and crawled into bed. Maybe things would get better. Maybe one day he'd get over his feelings. Maybe one day, he could meet Jeremy's beautiful smile and return it without any lingering longing in his eyes.
'It's always been you (It's always been you)
It's always been you (It's always been you)
It's always been you
Is it me for you?'
Maybe.