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“The ship of Theseus was maintained and repaired by the Athenians.”
Hatori was sitting on the wood floor, listening to passages from a book Mayuko was reading.
“After tearing out the old corroded planks and adding new, sturdy wood over and over again, over and over the years, finally every part of the ship was replaced.”
Leaning against a pillar, Mayuko raised her head and looked at Hatori.
“Can we still call this the ship of Theseus?”
“A question?”
“Well, if we talk about this topic, we can debate all the night long.”
“I'd like to do something different at night.”
Mayuko giggled with red face at his response.
“…… No, not today.”
Hatori answered making steeple hands.
“That dilemma will be used in many fields, but in the medical topic, it's like this. A person whose brain cells have been destroyed due to a trauma to the head, will still be the same person as before even if a part of it is transplanted. But what about transplanting whole brains, or exchanging them with someone else?”
“Oh, such examples are too difficult.”
“Then tell me in your field.”
“I’m not sure. In literature, each revision of a sentence is just a revised edition, not a full new work. But for exampl, a work in which the story is the same but all the sentences are completely different, should we call that a self-plagiarism? What if we repeat the restoration of damaged parts of a certain cultural property or relic, and eventually the old part is not left at all?”
Mayuko said.
“…… No, Even without human intervention, the present Himeji Castle, which has been weathered by nature over the years, cannot be said to be the same as the Himeji Castle of 500 years ago. Everything in this world is subject to change over time. Everything we are is not what it used to be. That is lonely, I think.”
When Hatori didn't answer, she turned to him.
The deep sea-colored eyes that always made her heart beat were staring at her quietly.
“Why you look at me like that?”
“…….”
Checking his mood, Mayuko lifted her leg, and poked her toe in the side of him sitting on the other side.
“……!”
He broke up at the movement tickling his waist, and she laughed too.
Hatori giggled and grabbed her leg.
“Oh, Wait.”
“You’ll sleep over here?”
“I said no!”
Mayuko pushed Hatori's face away with her palm.
“I have a plan with a friend today. Really.”
She stood up by putting on the shoes placed in the yard.
Hatori watched Mayuko's action placing her hand on her waist and carefully raising her body.
“Mayu.”
“Hmm?”
Mayuko looked back, but he didn't say anything to her.
“Why?”
“…… Nothing”
Hatori patted his lips with a finger and smiled slowly.
“Shall we have dinner together this Friday evening?”
“Sure…… well, I have, I have something to tell you!”
Mayuko laughed lightly with blushed face.
As watching her leaving making a playful kissing face, Hatori spoke once more to her.
“See you Friday.”
#
“Hey.”
When listening to the song in the cafe, Mayuko heard the bright voice and raised her head.
“Long time no see, Kana.”
Her friend sat down smiling.
“You look very nice!”
“…… Thank you.”
Kana tucked her hair behind her ear and laughed shyly.
Her friend was still lovely.
Mayuko tilted her head when she saw Kana unusually a little nervous.
“…… You look good, too. Mayu. Of course you’re always cool, though.”
“Me?”
“Yes. Since I moved to Nagoya we only meet once two or three months, but every time I see you, you get more and more beautiful. You're sort of…… you look a girl so loved.”
Mayuko's face reddened at Kana's unexpected words.
“……Umm, yeah.”
“Hey, Mayu.”
Kana leaned over to the other side and moved her upper body closer to Mayuko, asking a question.
“How was your Okinawa trip? Show me some travel photos!”
“I don't buy that. I know you want to see my boyfriend’s face.”
“Yes, of course! Don't you want to brag about your boyfriend? Mayu's boyfriend must be incredibly handsome."”
“Why?”
“Cause Mayu, from the past, you don't give your real heart to a man easily. But you've been dating your boyfriend for so long now, and even had a long road trip together. You must have fallen deeply in love with him. He must be tall, right? Is he good looking? What does he do? Please, tell me! Will you marry him?”
Mayuko quietly fiddled with the glass of juice.
She told Kana that she was seeing a good guy a few months ago, but she still hadn't confessed who he is.
It was impossible to hide it forever, but every time she met Kana, she hesitated over how to say it and gave up repeatedly.
Mayuko awkwardly switched the topic.
“How about you? You should talk about your husband to me. How are you these days? Do you have any plans for having a child?”
“Well…… He still is. I….. I have no intention of having children yet. A little scary. When I have a child, I'll have to stop the research I'm currently doing in graduate school so I'm worried about my job. And…….”
“You’re right. You'll have trouble over this and that if you're with child.”
“…….”
“……. Hey, Kana……. In fact, I am…….”
Mayuko looked awkwardly at Kana, and paused.
“What's that look for?”
“Hmm?”
“It seems like you're too conscious of me today.”
Kana bewildered blinking her big eyes at Mayu.
“Oh.”
“Is there something you wanted to say? Did something bad happen? Did you have a fight with your husband?”
“Oh, no, no. Never! It's not bad news. Don’t worry.”
Kana covered her mouth with her fingertips.
Mayuko looked at her face anxiously.
“Just let me know.”
“…… Well.”
Kana moistened her lips her tongue.
But the next moment, the words that came out of her mouth were unexpected for Mayu.
“I remember.”
“…… What?”
“Everything.”
Kana whispered like a Sohma people telling old Zodiac secrets.
“I mean…… what happened 4 years ago.”
Seeing Mayuko's hardened face, Kana smiled a little.
“you very surprised? I was too.”
“…….”
“The trigger for the flashback was very little thing. While browsing medical books, I found a note that Hatori wrote for me in the old days. But I wasn't able to remember when I got that. The memories of the months from 4 years ago were empty like a hole in them. How can I not remember a whole several months of memories? What was I doing that autumn? Slowly looking back at those times……. And I remembered. The time I spent with Hatori.”
Kana opened her mouth wide and inhaled.
“……At first, I was shocked like I was hit in the head, and the psychological pain came. Oh, of course, I’m fine now. But Looking back…… I regretted.”
“…….”
“Mayu, I’m very sorry to you. I definitely remember you crying by my side. You had a lot of heartache while watching us, didn't you?”
“…… No.”
Mayu looked down at her glass.
“It was you two who suffered. I did nothing…….”
“Hey, Mayu.”
Kana said in a soft voice.
“By his character, he is, obviously, still worried about me so will never receive my contact. But…… Hatori often visited your bookstores and you were close with him at that time. Are you still friends with him? If you don't mind…… can you help me to meet him?”
Staring blankly at Kana's face, Mayu unconsciously placed a hand over her stomach.
And gently stroked it.
#
It was autumn, and the night was getting deeper.
Hatori was sitting in a high-end restaurant, admiring the night view.
“…….”
Did he choose a place that was too blatantly obvious?
Perhaps Mayuko will notice what he wants to say as soon as she enters the restaurant.
He smiled as he thought of Mayuko's face turning red and not knowing where to look, before she even sat down on the chair.
He was also a little nervous, but his mind was calmer than expected.
She always put his mind at ease.
With Mayuko, he was neither anxious, nor afraid.
The sound of a woman's shoes approached his table.
When he raised his head gladly, Hatori's eyes widened.
“…… Kana?”
The girl who had stayed in his old memory was in front of his eyes.
No, not a girl anymore, but a woman who is the wife of another man now.
Hatori greeted her cautiously.
“……What's going on here? I heard you have left Tokyo.”
“…….”
“Uh, how…… are you doing, Kana?”
“…….”
While he hesitated, Kana opened her mouth.
“…… Hatori.”
Hatori.
She was calling him Hatori again.
It was different from her calling him 'Hatori-san' after he erased her memories.
Different from the time she went back to the awkward days of meeting him for the first time.
Looking into his trembling eyes, Kana smiled softly.
Ah…… that smile.
It was the smile like a spring day that he once loved so much.
“Long time no see, Hatori.”
“…….”
“Are you surprised? I saw you sitting here, on my way, and I just wanted to say hello…….”
“…….”
“......Can I sit down for a moment?”
#
After staring at the restaurant door for a while, Mayuko bowed her head.
Perhaps…… it may have been fortunate that she had not yet confessed her secret to him.
4 years…… It was 4 years.
The painful winter passed, spring came, flowers bloomed, leaves fell, snow fell and melted again, and four years passed.
Mayuko thought of Kana.
No, she thought of Kana AND Hatori.
Kana's happiness was her happiness, and Kana's misery was her misery.
Hatori's pain is her pain, and Hatori's peace is her peace.
But back that time, Hatori was always Kana's man every moment Mayu watched.
Just because she shared their memories didn't give her the right to share their feelings beyond that.
Mayuko turned back.
And she covered herself with her coat tight, and walked quietly.
#
“I had a lot of things…… that I wanted to say.”
“…….”
“But now I don't know what to say.”
Hatori looked at Kana in front of him.
The woman he loved a long time ago.
Her hair was a little longer and covered her shoulders, and her eyes seemed a little smaller.
Her face, which was pale the last time he saw her, had put on weight again and dyed a rosy color.
She was still pretty, but something was different.
She had changed.
“I'm really sorry.”
“…….”
“At that time, you were the one who suffered painfully and needed comfort more than anyone else. But I was engrossed in my misfortune and deserted you away.”
“…….”
“If I could turn back the time…….”
Kana sighed as she looked at the night view with her moist eyes.
“If I could…… I could have done at least better than the past.”
“……Do we,”
Hatori opened his mouth in a low voice.
“Need to talk now, about the past we can't change?”
“……I didn't lose love because of the pain.”
Kana was about to cry.
“But……. I was so scared! I thought my existence made you unhappy. It was hard because I loved you. So I left you and ran away. I made you lonely. I didn’t protect you. Yes, I didn’t. I’m Sorry.”
He sometimes had dreams.
Dreams of her coming back.
Dreams of being with her again as if nothing had happened.
No matter whose memory he erased, he always used a safeguard in case of a flashback.
But he didn't do it for Kana.
Was it his firm determination to never see her again so that she would not recall her memories?
Or was it because of the hope that he would be able to meet her again, if she regained her memories like now?
“Kana.”
“…….”
“We used to love, but no one would do anything sorry to each other. I couldn't protect you either, and I couldn't stay by your side until the end either.”
Hatori tapped the back of his hand with his finger.
“Yes, it was true that I was sad enough to want to die at that time. It was hard for me, and sometimes…… I missed you, of course. You know what? In fact, all the curses of the zodiac have been broken.”
“……!”
“If I was me of that time, I would have regretted not holding on you till the end when the curse was lifted. If I had known it…… I should have told you to wait a little longer…… I should have asked you to stay by my side just for three more years……. But, Right now, I don't think like that at all. Actually…… I don't even think much of you.”
Regret for the past was covered, and expectations for the future were growing on it.
Hatori remembered the girl who became the earth surrounding him, who became the shine and rain that made him breathe, and who infused a greenish vitality into his life.
The girl’s presence, crying for him, laughing for him, deeply rooted in his life.
“Kana. We at that time did our best in that time.”
“…….”
“I loved you with all my heart. Therefore, I have no regrets.”
With Kana in front of his eyes, now he could be sure of the direction of his mind.
Hatori finally gave a soft smile.
“Let's just leave our old……. Let it go.”
Late autumn, on a Friday evening, the restaurant was full of lovers.
The smell of delicious food, laughter, love and warmth filled the space.
Looking at him quietly, Kana opened her mouth.
“I thought I should apologize to you.”
“…….”
“If you were still left behind even now, the fact that only I'm happy alone would have been an excruciating pain for the rest of my life. But you…….”
Kana looked at Hatori's face and blushed.
“You…… have someone you love, right?”
Hatori didn't deny it, and softly blinked his eyes.
Kana let out a sigh of relief.
“It's nice you're happy, I'm so glad. We don't have to be happy for each other's share. In fact, I'm married. I'm so madly in love with my husband.”
“I know. Actually I've seen you before.”
“What?”
“The day you briefly returned to Sohma, in the winter before you got married. You were smiling, saying that you got someone you loved.”
Hatori let out a small laugh.
“I'm really glad that you're still happy.”
Kana looked blankly at Hatori.
“You have…… really changed.”
“Have I?”
“In the past, you weren't a person who smiled brightly with that kind of expression, no matter how pleased you were…….”
Kana, who had a moved expression on her face, bit her lip and smiled.
“I just wanted to see you again, Hatori. But not anymore. We'll never meet again, right?”
“……”
“Hey, I don't miss you anymore, too! Now, there is a man I want to walk side by side with, and want to sit face to face with.”
“Good.”
Hatori smiled putting his hand in the pocket, and fiddled with the small ring case.
He slowly pointed his thumb to the restaurant door.
“Then, will you please go away? My girlfriend is arriving soon. She'll be sad to see me alone with you.”
“…… What???”
Kana jumped up from her seat with a puzzled expression.
“Oh my god, I just……. I’M SO SORRY, Hatori!!! I…… I didn’t know that! I asked Mayu to tell me just where you…… Anyway, I’m sorry. I’ll go now!”
“……Wait.”
Hatori narrowed his eyes.
“Mayu told you?”
“Yes. She said you're still friends with her. That’s good for you.”
“…….”
“But I haven't heard from Mayu that you have a girlfriend. I hope you do well with your girlfriend, too.”
“…… I’ll marry soon.”
“Oh my, congratulation! Hatori!”
“Thank you. I hope you also attend my wedding.”
At his words, Kana smiled with a bewildered expression.
“Well….. I think it’s too rude to your bride. I can't go to be your guest…….”
“No, you will come as a guest of the bride.”
#
Life is a ship of Theseus.
Everything flows. Nothing stands still.
Human cells are constantly being replaced, and after six years, every part of the body becomes a completely different from the one that was six years ago.
The same goes for emotions.
‘That is lonely, I think.’
But at the same time, isn't it?
Not changing is harsher than changing.
He, and the zodiacs, knew it well enough.
The reason we change is not because we lack love, but because we are alive.
After leaving the restaurant, Hatori tried to call Mayuko's phone when he found her standing alone in a nearby park.
She stuttered as her eyes met him.
“Hey.”
“…….”
Mayuko anxiously looked at his expressionless face.
The two walked side by side.
Mayuko pretended to be cold and covered her belly with both arms.
Hatori opened his mouth.
“Is there nothing you want to say to me?”
“…… You speak first.”
Mayuko smiled awkwardly.
Hatori glanced at her.
“……You better grow your hair.”
Mayuko stroked her hair short enough to show her ears with a bewildered expression.
Her face turned red.
“You……you mean it doesn’t suit me?”
“No.”
A hazy breath spread from Hatori's mouth.
“But later, when our kid ask, 'Why is mommy hair so short?' I don't want to answer, 'That is, sweetie, because daddy's ex-girlfriend's hair was short and mommy think short-haired girls are daddy's taste.'”
Mayuko stopped walking.
After walking a few more steps, Hatori stopped and looked back at her.
“Mayu. I’m a doctor. I can see just by looking at your steps.”
“…….”
“But if possible, I wanted you to tell me yourself.”
He looked down at her stomach, and Mayuko tightened her arms around her body.
“Hatori…… I, I think…….”
“I confessed to Kana not you that I prepared the proposal, but I won't apologize because it's your fault.”
“…….”
“Kana said she wouldn't attend the wedding. She doesn't want the Sohma people keeping look at her the day when you're the star. But she wants to see you in the wedding dress, so she said that she'll swing by to take pictures before the wedding starts. Of course, only if you tell her you're sorry.”
Mayuko's chest went up and down.
“She said that she believed she was your best friend and always told you everything but you didn't tell her anything. She became completely sulky saying that you didn't trust her. It doesn't concern me anymore. It’s up to you.”
“…….”
“…… And I got sulky too.”
Mayuko burst into tears.
Hatori looked at her crouching and crying, then slowly approached and embraced her.
“Why is the person at fault crying?”
“…….”
“Don’t cry.”
Hatori whispered stroking Mayuko's hair.
“When you cry, I'm at a loss what to do. Always.”
“……I was anxious.”
“…….”
“I'm afraid…… you might regret it……. If Kana hadn't left then, you wouldn't have loved me.”
“According to that logic, if I had met you in the first place, I wouldn't have loved Kana.”
Hatori covered Mayu's head with his hand.
“Today is too precious for me to talk about things that hadn't happened, not the present right in front of my eyes. Who I love is not a matter of choice. I love you right now, what are you worried about? It would be lying if I said there was no pain. A loved one had gone away, my heart was broken. How could I not be in pain then? Mayu, No one in the world lives a perfect life with no regrets.”
We will continue to replace many parts on the voyage of life in the future.
Even if we are not us of the past, it is still our life.
Precious things in our lives, the times when they were precious, the worn-out parts that protected us for a life that was so desperate, what left us, what we let go.
All will be our memories.
“But nevertheless, even in all those moments, you were always with me. Mayu, I'm glad you stayed until the end of my suffering.”
Hatori wiped her messy face with his palms.
“Please don't be anxious alone. I'd rather you be jealous. I've never seen it before, but I think it will be cute.”
Mayu's red eyes widened.
“be jealous of Kana? How dare I…….”
“Your attitude like this makes me sad.”
“Hey, do you KNOW what jealousy is?”
“Sure. I am jealous.”
“Whom?”
Before Hatori could open his mouth, Mayuko let out a painful moan.
“Oh, please, don’t tell me it’s Shigure.”
“You don't know how I feel when you seem more comfortable talking to Shigure than me.”
“I don’t like Shigure! I did tell you, huh? The reason I dated him was because…….”
Hatori replied nonchalantly
“Even so, you wouldn't have dated Shigure in the first place, if he had been an ugly, short, fat, and not at all attractive in your eyes.”
“Please, Hatori! I don't have any regret left for him, I mean, I HATE HIM! If it weren't for you, I wouldn't see Shigure the rest of my life.”
“You’re right, you'll never see me meeting my ex for the rest of your life, but I'll have to see you meeting your ex for the rest of my life. Which of us is more pitiful now?”
The two of them kept quarreling, and burst into laughter at the same time, holding each other.
His life was sometimes unhappy, and sometimes happy.
The old days, he was terribly innocent without seeing reality, throwing everything away for a pure puppy love, and ultimately, failed.
Time healed sorrow, and the new person healed love.
He never wants to go back to those days.
But he never regrets that mournful and futile love.
Even if that love did not come true, it gave him the answer to happiness by trial and error.
Kana's smile was the same as before.
He was glad he could protect her smile.
“It was an once-in-a-lifetime fortune that Kana appeared in my life.”
Hatori hugged Mayuko tightly and whispered.
“Because she gave me you.”
When we got to know each other as a friend of a lover, and a lover of a friend, could we have imagined this moment?
“Mayu.”
“Yes.”
“Please keep holding my hand, by my side, and walk with me. With this child.”
Hatori carefully placed his hand on Mayuko's stomach.
Life doesn't go the way we want it to at all, but in it, we sometimes find miraculous treasures.
“Will you marry me?”
Ah.
He is smiling at her.
He is with her.
“…… Yes, Hatori.”
Let’s walk together.
Hand in hand.
We will sail the rest of the years together.
And will grow old.
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