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Chan was busy in the kitchen cooking dinner with the other members when he felt a hand wrap around his arm, holding on, clinging a little to his sleeve. Before he even looked to see who it was; he knew by the way the hand held on.
Chan turned from his concentration on the meal prep to Jeongin clinging to his arm. He'd leaned in and was slightly nudging his cheek against Chan's arm but when he realized Chan was watching him he stopped and looked at him with a sheepish smile
"You okay, Innie?" Chan asked with a smile, already knowing what was up.
"I'm fine. Why'd you ask?" Jeongin said trying to sound normal even though the way he was clinging to Chan was not normal.
"Just thought maybe you were feeling kind of….little" Chan said in a whisper so that the others couldn't hear.
Jeongin still blushed and looked around self-consciously at the others, quickly letting go of Chan's arm. "What? No!" He said in a quick hushed whisper.
"You know it's okay if you are" Chan whispered, giving Jeongin a nudge and a smile. But Jeongin was too busy trying to busy himself with dishes and didn't meet Chan's gaze.
"I know but I'm not" Jeongin said quickly before grabbing the dishes and rushing off with them to the table.
Chan wasn't surprised at Jeongin's reaction but he also knew he wasn't telling the truth. This is always how it was with Jeongin and his little side. He was shy about it and tried to hide it until it came bursting out of him. It usually started with Jeongin slowly getting more and cuddlier all evening until eventually he ended up pretty much in Chan's lap fully regressed. They all knew about Jeongin's little side but Chan was the only one who really took care of him during his regression.
That wasn't because any of the others had a problem with his regression; they all thought it was cute. But Jeongin was shy about it and they didn't want to overwhelm him with too much attention and make him retreat further in. He still resisted regressing though Chan was trying to help him work on that and see that he didn't need to be shy about it. Jeongin was the youngest and they all naturally tried to take care of him; they always had. So even though it seemed a little obvious he might be a little it was that very fact that seemed to hold him back. He didn't want to be just seen as small, innocent, and babyish. This made total sense to Chan. Jeongin wasn't a kid anymore so it made sense he'd want to be seen as the adult he was too. But none of them thought of him just as a baby; that was his own insecurity holding him back and Chan figured it would take time to work through that.
By the time they all went to sit down and eat Chan could tell Jeongin was having a harder time holding it in. He was quiet, subdued, watching Chan out of the corner of his eye but pretending that he wasn't. When they went to sit down at the table Jeongin rushed over to sit next to Chan but Seungmin, who really wasn't paying attention, sat down there before he could have a chance. Jeongin's adult facade faded away before he could stop himself.
"Hey!" Jeongin burst out with childish indignation, clutching his cup in his hand as if barely resisting the urge to throw it on the ground in anger. "I wanted to sit next to Channie hyung!"
Everything got quiet as they all stopped what they were doing and looked at Jeongin. They were all aware of his patterns; they could tell when he was slipping so no one called him out on it. Still, Jeongin sobered up immediately, blushing dark red and looking down at the ground before muttering, "Sorry, I didn't mean that."
Seungmin barely held back a smile as he got up, patting Jeongin on the back. "You can sit here. I just wasn't paying any attention" he said calmly before getting up to switch seats.
Jeongin tried to insist he was fine but when no one took his coveted seat he eventually sat down next to Chan. Chan's heart felt warm after the exchange and as he watched Jeongin throughout dinner. Jeongin always tried so hard to fight being little but Chan loved it when he finally gave in. He was so cute and adorable when regressed and Chan loved being the one he shared that side of himself with. He loved knowing Jeongin needed him and more importantly, wanted him when he was little. Chan treasured those moments he got to spend with cuddly little Jeongin, just the two of them, playing together with some of his toys or reading a story or cuddling in bed. They were rare.
Chan tested Jeongin's responsiveness by occasionally reaching over and feeding Jeongin a piece of food from his plate. He looked shy but each time he had a huge grin on his face as he opened his mouth and let Chan feed him like a baby bird. By the time dinner was over Chan could sense Jeongin's resolve waning. He looked on the verge of tears but when Chan tried to get close to him he resisted. The others gave him a knowing look and they took over the clean up in the kitchen so Chan could go after Jeongin who was slowly slinking out of the room.
"Hey, Innie, wait," Chan said as calmly as he could, running forward to catch Jeongin.
"What?" Jeongin asked, sounding tired as he stopped and turned around. He was so close to crying, so close to breaking down it hurt Chan to see it. He wished Jeongin wouldn't let it get like this; wished he'd let Chan care for him before he got overwhelmed.
"Please, let hyung take care of you" Chan said softly. He wrapped his arms around Jeongin and pulled him close into a tight hug.
At first Jeongin actually let it happen; Chan could feel Jeongin's body melt against his, going slack as he accepted the hug. Chan closed his eyes, the hug making him feel warm and fuzzy and complete. He didn't realize until then that maybe he needed this as much as Jeongin did. He squeezed Jeongin a little tighter, felt him squeeze back. Jeongin nuzzled his face into Chan's shoulder, hiding, making himself safe; Chan heard a little whimpering sob of a noise break free from him and get muffled into his shirt.
Chan was just about to pick Jeongin up and carrying him to the bedroom to properly cuddle him when Jeongin seemed to snap out of it. He wiped his face and gave a little cough, pushing himself away from Chan. Chan tried not to let Jeongin see how much it hurt; how cold and empty he suddenly felt at the loss of contact
"I'm fine, Chan" Jeongin insisted, his voice sounding too deep, forced. "I'm going to take a nap. You watch the movie with the others. Don't worry about me."
Chan felt like he'd been punched. He knew Jeongin wasn't okay and he wanted to fix it. But he also knew if he pushed too hard Jeongin would only retreat further. So he let him go even though he didn't want to.
"Okay, but if you need anything please come get me, okay?" Chan asked seriously. Jeongin gave him a quick nod then disappeared down the hallway.
It killed Chan to let him go but he resisted the urge to follow him. When the others got done with the dishes they joined him in the living room and started the movie. But Chan couldn't keep his mind on it; he couldn't help but think about Jeongin and worry about how he was doing.
"Why don't you just go check on him?" Felix asked half way through the movie. He was sitting next to Chan who was staring off in the direction of the bedroom.
"He said he was fine" Chan said weakly, feeling empty.
"You know he's not; he's just being stubborn" Felix said knowingly. "Check on him. I know it's killing you."
Chan didn't have to be told twice. He said good night to the others and made his way to Jeongin's room. He knocked on the bedroom door but there was no answer. Normally he wouldn't go into someone's room without permission but this wasn't a normal case.
Since Jeongin didn't answer, Chan went ahead and let himself in. Once he had, he was glad because the sight that greeted him broke his heart. Jeongin was lying on his bed curled up in a ball sobbing quietly. When Chan got closer he could see Jeongin had his thumb tucked into mouth as if he'd been sucking on it before he'd dissolved into tears. It was evidence enough that he was regressed for Chan to approach him like he was.
"Oh Innie baby, what's wrong?" Chan asked as he sat in on the edge of the bed next to him. Jeongin's eyes blinked open to look up at him, red, brimming with tears but he didn't answer, continuing to cry.
"Baby, tell hyung what's wrong so I can help you" Chan encouraged him gently, reaching up and running and hand through his hair.
But Jeongin still didn't answer. He looked up at Chan, gave a little whine of a noise and reached for Chan with his free hand, making a grabby hand motion toward him.
Chan wrapped his arms around Jeongin and scooped him into his lap. After some difficulty and tangling of limbs they got into a comfortable position with Jeongin straddling Chan's lap, arms wrapped around him and his face buried in Chan's shoulder. He continued to cry as Chan held him but it was quieter and slowly calming. It hurt Chan to see Jeongin so upset but he was glad that he'd finally given in to his little side and stopped fighting it. He was glad he could finally hold him. Having Jeongin in his arms felt warm and comforting and just right.
"You ready to talk to hyung now?" Chan asked gently when Jeongin's crying had stalled and he was just letting out a few little shuddering hiccups. Jeongin was sucking on his thumb gently, resting against Chan's shoulder. He looked up at Chan with red eyes, tears tracks on his cheeks and babbled something Chan couldn't understand.
But it at least gave Chan a clue to what was going on with him.
"Oh, Innie is feeling really little today, huh?" Chan said holding him a little closer as Jeongin gave him a little whimpering babble back before closing his eyes and nestling into Chan's chest. Jeongin usually regressed to the age of young child or toddler; Chan had only ever seen him regress to baby headspace once before. It meant he was nonverbal and needed Chan to do everything for him. It also meant unlimited cuddles which Chan loved.
It also meant Jeongin had put off being little for so long that now that he'd fallen, he'd fallen hard.
"It's okay" Chan reassured him in a strong voice, giving Jeongin a squeeze before rubbing his back. "Channie is here now and everything's going to be okay. Let's get you into something more comfy and I'll make you a bottle okay?"
Jeongin looked up at Chan. His eyes were still red but they held adoration in them he only had when he was little. He looked up at Chan as if he held the moon as he gave him a warm smile. He didn't say anything but Chan knew by that smile he agreed.
Chan gently set Jeongin on the bed and got up to find his little supplies. Chan dug out the box Jeongin kept under his bed that had his little supplies in it. He bypassed the things Jeongin usually used like the crayons, play dough and Legos; Jeongin was too little for those things right now. He picked up one of Jeongin's stuffies, a soft white and brown bunny with smooth silk ears and a blue, glitter covered pacifier.
By the time Chan had found the items Jeongin was already beginning to give a little sad whine, obviously thinking Chan was taking too long. He looked pitiful, pouting and obviously feeling Chan had been gone too long.
"It's okay baby, I'm right here" Chan assured him. He gave Jeongin the rabbit and he immediately hugged it to himself, rubbing the silky ears against his face.
"Would you like this too?" Chan asked, holding up the pacifier, knowing Jeongin would want it of course.
Jeongin's eyes lit up and he opened his mouth eagerly.
"Oh, my baby does want this" Chan said with a smile. Then deciding to be playful, made an exaggerated airplane sound as he made the pacifier fly around. Jeongin watched it for a moment with rapt attention and then burst into childish laughter, squeezing his rabbit. After all the tears, Jeongin's easy babyish laughter was music to Chan's ears. Chan played with Jeongin for a minute before he finally popped it into his mouth. Jeongin closed his eyes as he sucked contently on it and cuddled his rabbit. Chan took that opportunity to get the rest of the items he needed. He pulled out Jeongin's white onesie with blue dogs on it, his baby bottle and a bottle of baby lotion and baby powder. Last, at the bottom of the box he found one of the white, crinkly diapers.
He'd only ever put Jeongin in a diaper one time, the other time he'd been regressed to baby space. They'd discussed it along with all his other needs when they'd agreed upon Chan being his caregiver. Chan remembered it with a smile; he'd thought poor Jeongin was going to die of embarrassment. His whole face was blood red as he admitted he wore diapers when he was feeling really little. He understood why Jeongin found that more embarrassing but it didn't bother Chan; it just made sense to him if Jeongin was a baby he'd wear diapers too.
Chan took the items back to the bed and found Jeongin still content with his pacifier and plushy. "Let's get you changed into something comfy" Chan said brightly, letting Jeongin know he was getting ready to change him. Jeongin sucked steadily on his pacifier and watched Chan with trusting eyes as he took off his adult clothing in favor of his babyish ones. Once he'd taken off his shirt, pants and underwear Chan retrieved the diaper to put on him. After some struggling, Chan managed to slip it underneath him; Jeongin was lost in his own babyish world, playing with his rabbit and let Chan do all the work. Even though that made it a little difficult Chan preferred it; it meant Jeongin was fully truly regressed.
Once he had the diaper underneath Jeongin, he sprinkled some baby powder across his skin before closing the diaper. Jeongin wiggled and gave a cute little giggle as the powder hit the sensitive skin. Chan had to hold his legs gently so he didn't wiggle away too much.
"That tickles doesn't it?" Chan said with a smile as Jeongin finally stopped wiggling and looked up at Chan with a smile around his pacifier.
Chan taped the diaper closed so that it was secure but not too tight. Before putting his onesie on Chan grabbed the bottle of baby lotion to put on him. It made Jeongin calm and sleepy and Chan loved how babyish it made him smell. Besides, he loved the way he could gently rub it into Jeongin's skin, massaging him and working out his tight muscles. Jeongin would never allow anyone to give him that much attention if he was big so Chan took advantage of it when he was little.
Chan started on Jeongin's arms, massaging them and rubbing the lotion in until they were all floppy and content; Jeongin had even stopped holding his rabbit though it was by his face and he nuzzled against it as Chan massaged his arms. When he moved on to Jeongin's chest and stomach, Jeongin closed his eyes and gave little humming purrs of satisfaction that Chan could feel rumbling through his chest. When he yawned so big that his pacifier fell out, Chan promptly popped it back in before moving on to lotion Jeongin's legs. By the time he was finished Jeongin was obviously sleepy, floppy, limber and completely content. Just the way Chan liked to see him.
"Alright, now that we got your skin super soft let's get you into your onesie" Chan said, grabbing it from the bed and pulling it over Jeongin's head. Just like with the diaper Jeongin was floppy and didn't move to help Chan dress him. But after some work Chan managed to get Jeongin's arms in the sleeves before closing the snaps between his legs.
"Doesn't my baby just look so adorable!" Chan enthused as he looked down at Jeongin, looking cute in his babyish outfit. Jeongin enjoyed the praise, laughing and making a cooing sound behind his pacifier. He held his arms up, making grabby motions with his hands for Chan. Chan couldn't resist; he wouldn't even try. He sat down on the bed and scooped Jeongin into his arms.
Instantly Jeongin laid his head against Chan's shoulder, his hands curled up against his chest as Chan held him and slowly began to rock back and forth. Chan watched Jeongin's eyes flutter as he grew tired and calmed by the rocking motion but every time his eyes fluttered closed he forced them open again, fighting sleep.
"I'm going to go make you a bottle" Chan said softly, reaching down and rubbing Jeongin's cheek gently. He looked up at him with big curious eyes.
"You be a good boy and stay here. I'll be right back, "Chan assured him.
He set Jeongin gently down on the bed and tucked his rabbit into his arms again. Chan grabbed his phone and turned on some calm lullabies and turned on a nightlight he'd bought for when Jeongin was little before turning out the lights.
He went to the kitchen and filled Jeongin's bottle up with warm milk. The others were still watching the movie and when he walked past they looked up, curious to see how things were going with Jeongin and if he was okay.
Not wanting Jeongin to hear Chan talking about him to the others, he gave them a thumbs up and held up the bottle so they'd know he'd finally given in to his little side.
When Chan got back to the room he was alarmed to see Jeongin crying again. He was curled up in a ball on the bed, rubbing his eyes and sobbing. His pacifier had fallen out and he was making a pitiful whimpering noise that broke Chan's heart. It was just too heartbreaking.
"What's wrong, baby boy" Chan said soothingly as he sat down on the bed.
Jeongin's head instantly popped up at the sound of Chan's voice. He threw himself at Chan, burying his face in his chest. He instantly stopped crying when Chan wrapped his arms around him and held him close.
"You didn't think I left you, did you?" Chan said, knowing that's most likely why he was crying.
Jeongin looked up at him with tears still on his face. But instead of crying, he was smiling now as he reached out a hand and gently touched Chan's cheek.
The gentle touch and the way Jeongin looked at him as if he fixed every wrong in the world made Chan's heart warm up. He reached a hand out and wiped Jeongin's tears away as he said, "I'm never going to leave you. Never ever; you don't have to worry about that." Jeongin smiled at the reassurance and nuzzled up to Chan more.
After a minute of cuddling Chan gently repositioned them so he could better hold Jeongin to feed him. Chan sat back against the headboard, setting Jeongin in his lap and using pillows to help hold him up. Wrapping an arm around Jeongin and holding him close Chan used the other hand to reach for the bottle.
Jeongin's mouth opened eagerly when he saw the bottle, ready for Chan to feed him. Chan smiled at his eagerness; he looked so cute.
"My baby must be thirsty" Chan said with a smile, putting the nipple to Jeongin's lips. They instantly closed over the nipple and began to suck slowly at the warm milk inside. Chan pulled the blanket up around them so that Jeongin was mostly covered up. As Jeongin sucked at the bottle, his hands came up to Chan's chest, grabbing his shirt in his fists as if it was a security blanket. He looked up at Chan and even though he was tired and hid eye lids dropped, they stayed focused on Chan's. Chan loved these little moments of intimacy between them; so rare but when they happened Chan felt like his heart was completely full of love for his dongsaeng. So he held Jeongin tighter and gently sang to him as he fed him his bottle. By the time he'd finished he was mostly asleep. Chan pulled the bottle from Jeongin's lips and quickly replaced it with his pacifier. Jeongin didn't even open his eyes as he gently pulled it into his mouth and sucked on it until he fell asleep, it going slack, hanging halfway out of his lips.
Chan was tired too but he stayed awake for a while, cherishing this moment with his baby boy. Jeongin lay on Chan's shoulder and he couldn't resist the urge to gently rub his finger against Jeongin's cheek or run his hand through his hair. He finally looked so calm and so at peace it made relief and happiness go through Chan's heart. Eventually the others had finished their movie and tentatively stuck their heads in the door. Chan waved them over since Jeongin was still asleep. Jeongin didn't like a lot of attention when little but since he was still asleep Chan couldn't resist letting the others see how cute he was. The all cooed at his cuteness, giving him little hugs and kisses on the forehead before they left. Finally giving in to sleep, Chan snuggled down into the bed, keeping a tight hold on Jeongin.
He woke up the next morning before Jeongin did. He was still sleeping soundly, arms thrown relaxed over his head, paci hanging slightly from his mouth. He looked so peaceful and content Chan soaked it in; he knew when Jeongin woke up he'd probably not be regressed anymore and would likely feel insecure and embarrassed.
A few minutes later Jeongin stirred, rubbing his eyes as he woke up. His eyes looked around and then fell on Chan as he took in everything. Chan could see the flash of embarrassment and self-consciousness come over him, his cheeks blushing red as he remembered the events of the night before and his babyish state now. He quickly pulled the paci out of his mouth and stuttered as if he didn't know what to say.
"Good morning" Chan said brightly, hoping to alienate some of Jeongin's embarrassment. "How do you feel?"
Jeongin bit his lip, fidgeting awkwardly in bed. "I'm okay" he said even though he didn't look okay. He looked embarrassed and ashamed and Chan wanted to take it away. He wished Jeongin to only feel relaxed and at peace.
"I hope you slept well. You looked so peaceful."
Jeongin's cheeks blushed deeper, looking away from Chan. "Umm…can you leave me alone? Um…you can go" Jeongin said awkwardly. He squirmed, pulling at the collar of his onesie as if he wanted to rip it off and Chan couldn't help but notice he kept grabbing at his diaper area. Chan knew his diaper would be wet by this time, no doubt making Jeongin even more embarrassed. But Chan didn't want to leave Jeongin yet; he hated that he felt so embarrassed about his regression and his instant reaction was to run and hide from it.
"I know you're embarrassed and that's okay" Chan said carefully. "But I'd really like to stay with you a little awhile. You know it's okay to be little. It's okay to let me take care of you; little or big."
Jeongin squirmed and looked even more embarrassed. He didn't say anything but Chan was afraid he'd flee. "Talk to me Jeongin" Chan urged him gently. "Tell me what you're thinking."
Jeongin was silent for a long time but eventually he spoke. "I'm embarrassed. I feel ashamed" he said in a quiet voice.
Chan was relieved Jeongin had opened up and not refused to say anything; this was the only way to help him get past his shame. "Why do you feel ashamed of being little? You know it's okay," Chan said softly.
Jeongin looked upset; he looked down and fiddled with the covers. "But it's not okay. I shouldn't be little; I shouldn't be doing this," Jeongin said in a pained voice. Chan could sense the shame and repressed feelings in his tone.
"Why?" Chan prodded.
Jeongin was silent for a while but then said, "I'm a grown up. I shouldn't be acting like a baby. Other people don't do this. I shouldn't either. It's weird and wrong."
Chan understood Jeongin feeling that way; no doubt he'd heard that from others before who didn't understand his regression. But he wanted Jeongin to see those people had been wrong; he was perfect the way he was.
"I know it can be hard to accept you're different" Chan said gently "but it's okay to regress. It doesn't make you weird. There's nothing wrong with it."
"I shouldn't be a burden"
"You're not a burden," Chan was quick to say.
"You shouldn't have to take care of me" Jeongin said, looking down. He looked like he wanted to cry but held it back.
Chan hated seeing that sadness and upset there. He grabbed Jeongin's face tilting it up so he had to look at Chan in the eyes. He looked uncomfortable with the closeness but Chan continued to hold him.
"You are not a burden" Chan said firmly. "Your regression isn't something I just suffer through; I love taking care of you because I love you. I know you're not comfortable with your littleness and that's okay. But you need to understand it's not a burden and it's not gross or weird. It's a part of you. It's not the whole part; you can be strong and adult most of the time but still let yourself be little. It's okay; you need to let it be okay."
Jeongin looked at him for a long time; Chan thought maybe he was getting ready to pull away and shut down but after a long moment of silence Jeongin threw his arms around Chan in a tight hug as he said, "It's hard," quietly.
Chan felt himself melt into the hug; he was so relieved that he wasn't pushing him away.
"I know it's hard but promise me you'll try to be okay with it? And you won't hide from me when you're feeling little? You'll just let me take care of you."
Chan could feel Jeongin relax against him, laying his head on Chan's shoulder, giving in completely to the hug. It made everything feel like it was going to be okay.
"I promise" Jeongin said giving Chan a tight squeeze back.