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The car ride to Namyangju is mostly silent.
Jihoon shifts uncomfortably in his seat as Soonyoung turns up the volume on the SHINee album that’s playing. Jihoon is pretty sure it’s the exact same one that was in the stereo two years ago, the last time he had come home for the holidays.
“Your mom must be really excited that you’re finally home,” Soonyoung says, taking a left onto Jihoon’s street.
“Yeah, but she’s probably more excited to see you,” Jihoon replies, keeping his tone light.
“That’s true, I’ve always been the favorite.”
Soonyoung pulls up in front of Jihoon’s family home, but Jihoon doesn’t move to open the car door.
“Soonyoung.”
“Yeah?"
“Are you seeing anyone right now?”
Soonyoung tries his best to hide his surprise. “I just ended things with Mingyu, like, two weeks ago.”
Jihoon wrinkles his nose. “Kim Mingyu from third year accounting?”
“Yeah,” Soonyoung nods. “His office was down the street from mine. We reconnected, but we were just better off as friends, I guess.”
“Okay,” Jihoon says slowly, and reaches for the door handle.
Soonyoung holds him back by the arm. “Wait - are you, uh, seeing anyone?”
Jihoon tugs his arm out of Soonyoung’s grasp. “Yeah, I am.”
It’s apparent that the conversation has ended. They both get out of the car. Soonyoung takes Jihoon’s smaller luggage as they make their way up to his front door, shaking his head as he tries not to think about how this was almost exactly what it had been like, driving Jihoon home from the airport two years ago - the first and last time they had seen each other after breaking up on their college graduation day.
They had hooked up in Soonyoung’s childhood bedroom right before Jihoon had gotten on a plane back to Shenzhen. Soonyoung spent the next two weeks typing out messages that he never sent, until he ultimately decided that if Jihoon wasn’t reaching out first, it wasn’t worth reaching out at all.
The front door opens to reveal Jihoon’s parents. Jihoon hangs back and rolls his eyes as his mother gives Soonyoung a huge hug in the entryway.
Soonyoung frowns at the bits of squash on his white t-shirt. “Dani, you got your weird mushy food all over me!”
Dani giggles, and more tiny pieces of squash fly out of her mouth.
Soonyoung sighs and lifts her out of her high chair, bringing her over to the living room couch where Jihoon is half-watching some Marvel movie. They’d been hanging out for the past couple of days. It’s casual, and Jihoon maintains a respectful distance.
Jihoon looks over as they approach. “She really looks like Minkyung-noona, doesn’t she?”
“Yeah. She’s just as evil as my sister, too,” Soonyoung says as he settles in on the opposite end of the couch.
Dani crawls out of Soonyoung’s arms, looking up at Jihoon curiously until she’s half in his lap. Soonyoung laughs at his helpless expression. “You can hold her.”
Jihoon stares at him incredulously. “How?”
Soonyoung shifts closer to help him out. “Just - be really gentle, and make sure you support her head - there, you’ve got her.”
Dani gurgles as she finds a comfortable spot on Jihoon’s chest. He can’t help but smile down at her, running a careful hand down her back.
“She’s so small,” he says quietly.
“I know.” Soonyoung rests his elbow on the couch cushions. “She's tiny. It's so weird to think that she's gonna grow up and I'll have to deal with all the boys who break her heart.”
“Or girls,” Jihoon adds thoughtfully.
“Or girls,” Soonyoung agrees.
Dani throws up her weird mushy food all over Jihoon before he heads home. Soonyoung lends him an old t-shirt.
They’re taking turns doing the dishes in Jihoon’s kitchen when Soonyoung asks.
“So what’s he like?”
Jihoon pauses, momentarily distracted from scrubbing away at a particularly stubborn grain of rice. “Who?”
“The guy you’re dating.”
“Oh. He’s nice,” Jihoon says shortly.
“What does he do?”
“He’s in the marketing department.”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“A few months - can we stop talking about this?” Jihoon turns around and hands Soonyoung the sponge. “It’s your turn.”
“Okay.” Soonyoung takes the sponge. “My mom said your mom was convinced you weren’t coming home again this year.”
Jihoon reaches for a dish towel, leaning against the kitchen island as he dries off a bunch of spoons. “I was busy last year.”
“Wasn’t it lonely? Spending the holidays by yourself?”
Jihoon lets out an exasperated sigh. “I have friends, Soonyoung. I don’t just fucking choose to be alone all the time.”
“Oh. Sorry,” Soonyoung says, unsure as to why the conversation has taken a turn for the worse. “It’s just that -”
“I’m not the same person I was when we were dating.” Jihoon grabs the plate Soonyoung had just finished rinsing off and turns away.
“I never said that you were, but between the two of us, I guess you just had more of a tendency to want to be alone -”
“And you fucking hated it.”
Soonyoung stares at him, disbelieving. “No, I adjusted! Because I cared about you and I wanted to understand!”
A beat passes. “I’m sorry,” Jihoon says, looking down at the floor. “I didn’t mean to bring this up.”
Soonyoung turns back to the dishes. “It’s okay.”
Jihoon’s mother had insisted that Soonyoung stay the night. She makes a fuss of getting out brand new sheets for the air mattress. It’s just like when you were kids, she says fondly.
It’s past midnight when Soonyoung re-enters Jihoon’s bedroom, toweling off his hair after a quick shower. Jihoon has his back to the door and doesn’t seem to notice him coming in, busy speaking in rapid Chinese to someone on FaceTime.
Soonyoung pops up behind Jihoon. “Ni hao,” he says cheerfully to the man on Jihoon's phone screen. And then, to Jihoon, in Korean - “Is this the boyfriend?”
Jihoon scowls, shoving him away. “I gotta go, Jun. I’ll text you,” he says, quickly ending the call.
Soonyoung smiles wickedly. “He’s hot.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Jihoon responds, still frowning. “Can you get the lights?”
Soonyoung nods.
Twenty minutes later, Jihoon is staring at the ceiling when he says - “Soonyoung. Are you awake?”
Soonyoung rolls over on his air mattress to face Jihoon. “Yeah. What's up?”
Jihoon takes a deep breath. “You always understood,” he says quietly.
Soonyoung frowns. “What do you mean?”
“Me. You always understood me. You never made me feel like you didn't.” Jihoon pauses, shutting his eyes tight. “I just don't want you to think that I ever felt like you weren't trying. That's not why we didn't work out.”
“Okay.” Soonyoung blinks once, twice. “I'm not exactly sure what to say to that.”
“You're still my best fucking friend, Soonyoung.” Jihoon turns his head to look him in the eyes. “I'm really sorry. About everything.”
Soonyoung takes a shaky breath. He's confused. Why is Jihoon bringing this up now?
Jihoon breaks eye contact first. “You were right, by the way. Last December was really fucking lonely.” He chuckles despite himself. “I had ramyeon on Christmas Eve.”
“Well, did you at least add in an egg?”
Jihoon steals another glance at Soonyoung, who now has a hint of a smile on his face. “No,” he responds. “It was the shittiest ramyeon I’ve ever had.”
They kiss in the hallway outside Soonyoung’s bedroom the next night.
Jihoon is drunk - when the fuck did he start drinking, Soonyoung absentmindedly thinks to himself - and pushing Soonyoung up against the wall. He’s balancing on the balls of his feet, hands on Soonyoung’s shoulders for leverage, forcing himself into Soonyoung’s space like his life depends on it.
Soonyoung comes back to the surface as Jihoon’s teeth nip at his bottom lip. “Jihoon, what the fuck?” He hisses, frantically pushing Jihoon away. “You’re dating someone! What the fuck are you doing?”
Jihoon exhales slowly, slumping against the opposite wall, unable to make eye contact. “I lied.”
Soonyoung stares back at him. “What do you mean you lied?”
“Jun isn’t my boyfriend. I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m not seeing anyone, I just… I didn’t want to seem so pathetic -”
“How the fuck am I supposed to know you’re telling the truth right now?” Soonyoung demands.
Jihoon sinks down the wall until he's sitting on his haunches. “I haven’t -" His voice breaks. He takes a deep breath. "I haven’t been with anyone since you, two years ago.”
Soonyoung sighs deeply, mirroring Jihoon's position and running a hand through his hair in frustration. “I need some fucking space."
Jihoon finally looks up at him. “Okay,” he says, and he walks away.
If anyone could tell Soonyoung the truth about Jihoon's relationship status, it would probably be Jeonghan - the upperclassman who had taken Jihoon under his wing just before he graduated. The two of them had kept in touch, and Jeonghan put in a recommendation for Jihoon for an entry-level position at the company he was working for. They had both been assigned to the Shenzhen office shortly after Jihoon had been hired.
Soonyoung's thumb hovers over Jeonghan's contact name. He'd always liked Jeonghan, who had often invited Soonyoung and Jihoon to lunches off campus, insisting that he had to foot the bill so he could "cash in a favor one day."
What were the chances that Jeonghan would tell him the truth? There was the obvious possibility that Jihoon had already guessed that Soonyoung would call Jeonghan. Maybe he had warned Jeonghan in advance - please tell Soonyoung I'm not dating anyone, I can't be caught up in this shit right now.
Fuck it. He hits the green button anyway, and Jeonghan picks up on the fourth ring.
"To what do I owe the pleasure, Soonyoungie?"
Soonyoung goes straight to the point. "Jeonghan-hyung, is Jihoon dating a guy named Jun?"
Jeonghan scoffs. "Well hello to you too. No, Jihoon isn't dating Jun."
"Hyung -"
"Actually, Jun is engaged."
Soonyoung stops breathing.
"To Jihoon?"
"Nope!" Jeonghan giggles. "He's engaged to me. Would you like an invitation to the wedding?"
To: Jihoon
Hey. I'm outside, can we talk?
Jihoon gets to the door three minutes later. He looks a little bit like shit.
"I called Jeonghan-hyung," Soonyoung starts, toeing off his shoes.
Jihoon takes his coat, frowning. "Why?"
"I asked him if you were dating a guy named Jun."
Jihoon rolls his eyes. "Did you really think I was lying last night?"
"Well you had already lied to me, so like, what the fuck was I supposed to think?"
Jihoon shoots him a look. "Please don't raise your voice. I'm pretty sure my mom is taking a nap."
They end up in Jihoon's bedroom, arms brushing as they sit side by side on the edge of the mattress.
"Why are you here, Soonyoung?"
"I was thinking about what you said the other night." Soonyoung stretches his legs out in front of him. "I want to know why you think we didn't work out."
It's not what Jihoon was expecting. He stares at his lap. "I always thought you could read my mind. And most of the time, you could. You knew exactly what I wanted and I never had to explain myself."
"But then we had to start talking about bigger things," he continues. "Things that were hard to talk about. Suddenly, you couldn't read my mind anymore, and I didn't know how to explain what I was feeling - I couldn't get my point across, and it was so fucking frustrating. I just… wanted so badly for you to look at me, and just know."
He takes a breath. "And that wasn't your fault. It was mine. I shouldn't have expected that of you."
"Hey," Soonyoung says softly, almost reaching out to take Jihoon's hand, then thinking better of it. He sits on both of his hands instead. "I think… it was a lot of things. We grew apart, kind of. It's not like what you said the other night - I stopped wanting to try. I really did. You did too. And that's okay, maybe it had to happen. But these past few days, I - I don't know."
Jihoon chances a look at Soonyoung. "What do you mean?"
"I just really missed just being your friend, you know? We used to do everything together." Soonyoung sniffles. He's always been a crybaby. Jihoon leans over him and reaches for the tissue box on his bedside table.
"Silly," he says fondly, pulling out a few tissues and holding them up to Soonyoung's face.
Soonyoung's hand brushes over Jihoon's as he accepts the wad of tissues. "I don't know that I ever really got over you."
Jihoon takes a long breath, letting the weight of Soonyoung's statement wash over him. "Neither do I," he whispers.
Soonyoung's fully choking up now. "But you only have like, two days left here," he blubbers. "And you're going back to China. I'm scared, Jihoon -"
"Soonyoung." Jihoon sighs, moving away so he can lean against the headboard. He curls his knees up to his chest. "I got an offer for a position at the Seoul office."
Soonyoung looks up at that. "Oh."
"It's - they didn't explicitly say it was a promotion, so I was on the fence about it, but I really had been planning to move back to Korea one day, and I was thinking - maybe now's a good time, because Jeonghan-hyung's engaged and will probably kick me out of our apartment soon, and I just -" Jihoon purses his lips. Takes a steadying breath.
"If you want to try, to be friends again - to be us again, I'll - I'll be around."
Jihoon isn't looking at him. Soonyoung doesn't know what to do with the information he's just been given. The tissues are balled up in his fist now, and he's pretty sure his hands are shaking.
"How soon are you moving back?" He asks.
"In three months," Jihoon says, still looking down at his toes.
"Will you look at me?" Soonyoung asks carefully.
Jihoon complies, but obviously still feels uncomfortable, picking at the loose threads on his hoodie.
Soonyoung reaches out for his hand.
Jihoon visibly relaxes, and Soonyoung shifts him over so they can sit side by side against the headboard.
Soonyoung pulls Jihoon's hand into his lap, studying it. "You've always had pretty hands."
"You're being weird," Jihoon complains.
"Yeah, but you still wanna kiss me."
Jihoon reddens and yanks his hand out of Soonyoung's grip. "You're insufferable," he huffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Sorry," Soonyoung says, with the tiniest hint of a smirk. "I shouldn't have spoken for you. But I really do want to kiss you right now. And all the time. And maybe every day until we die."
Jihoon buries his face into his hands, embarrassed. "Why do you just. Say things?"
"I'm good at saying things. And I like seeing you lose your mind when I do."
The tips of Jihoon's ears are still red as he finally looks up at Soonyoung.
"Well. You can."
"I can what?"
"Say things. Kiss me. I don't know."
Soonyoung's expression softens. He reaches out, gently cupping Jihoon's cheeks. His thumb caresses the spot right below the mole under Jihoon's left eye.
"I know you just said that I could, but. Permission to kiss you?"
Jihoon lets out the breath he didn't know he was holding in, allowing his hands to sneak around Soonyoung's waist. He tilts his head up and offers Soonyoung the tiniest of smiles.
"Yeah."
Later - they're laying together in Jihoon's bed watching a YouTube video of a very, very fat cat being given a bath. Jihoon yawns, plucking Soonyoung's phone out of his hands and setting it down on the bedside table. He rolls half of his body onto Soonyoung and looks up at him, his chin resting on Soonyoung's chest.
"I'm sleepy," he says.
Soonyoung's arms come up to wrap around Jihoon. "Okay, we can sleep."
"Hey, how much money do you make?"
Soonyoung snorts. "I make enough. Why? Do you have plans of becoming my house husband?"
Jihoon narrows his eyes. "I wanted to know if you'd be my date for Jeonghan-hyung's wedding. It'll be, you know. In China. And we could either split the cost of your airplane ticket, or we could go seventy-thirty."
Soonyoung hums.
"The wedding will be just before the Seoul assignment starts," Jihoon continues, "So we could fly back together."
"Have you ever thought about fucking someone on a plane?"
Jihoon digs his chin into Soonyoung's chest and he yelps in pain.
"I was just asking!"
Jihoon rolls over and curls up into a ball. Soonyoung fits himself against Jihoon's smaller frame, pressing a kiss to the nape of his neck.
"I'll be there," he says. "And you don't have to pay for half of my ticket."
"Okay."
"As long as we make out in the airplane bathroom, at least."
Jihoon sighs. "Would the airport bathroom suffice?"
"We can discuss the specifics at a later date." Soonyoung snuggles closer. He can almost feel Jihoon rolling his eyes into the back of his head.
"Whatever," Jihoon responds, and pulls Soonyoung's arms tighter around his waist.