Chapter Text
The first time the thought of doing... that popped into Mirabel's head, she was eleven. She missed her sisters. Luisa was always off helping people and whenever she would try to talk to her, people would say "Not now, Mirabel. Go bother someone else. Luisa is working."
But Luisa was always working. Working far too hard. Always pushing herself to help others with things without realizing she had to help herself sometimes.
There was Isabela, but she had long stopped being "Isa" and was now just "Señorita Perfecta".
So Mirabel was alone, not daring to disturb either of her sisters. There was Camilo and Dolores, but she didn't want to talk to them. She didn't want to talk to anyone. They wouldn't understand. Or they'd say, "Go away, Mirabel."
It was always the same. Sometimes dark thoughts would creep into her head. No one would care if you got hurt. No one would care if you d i s a p p e a r e d.
"Someone would care. Luisa would care. Mama would care. Someone would care." Mirabel didn't say it out loud. Don't say things you don't want heard. Not with Dolores in the house.
But with her family basically ignoring her, and the things the other kids (hell, even grown ups) would say when they thought she wasn't listening.
And maybe after years she began to believe them.
They're right. You're worthless. You're nothing compared to your family. You never will be. Hell, you're even more worthless than that freak, Bruno. Maybe you should do everyone a favor and jump off his tower.
That had Mirabel nearly jumping out of her bed, which she had been sitting on, staring at the ceiling for the last two hours. She… she would never. That… that's wrong and bad and she would never.
Casita seemed to sense her panic and rumbled a bit, caringly.
"I'm okay, Casita. I'd never really do it…"
~~~
Mirabel was thirteen the first time she truly considered doing it. It was late at night. Very late at night. Mirabel had snuck up onto the roof long after everyone had gone to sleep. She was sad and angry and so very tired.
A kid who she didn't even know had pushed her. That wouldn't have been the first time, but it was different. The kid had pushed her hard. Nearly enough to knock her down. But it was what he said after that really hit.
"I didn't notice you there. No one else does either so I guess it really doesn't matter. Why don't you do everyone a favor and take your useless ass somewhere you won't be such a burden."
People had said a lot of terrible things about her, but never to her face. They'd say it in hushed corners or empty rooms. She was a Madrigal after all. Even if she was the most useless Madrigal of them all.
Even a terrible comment like that wouldn't have pushed her over the edge. It was that and smaller comments people would make when they thought she wasn't listening, and getting told again and again not to bother her sisters, and so many other little things that just build up to the point where she couldn't take it anymore.
She couldn't take it anymore.
So she found her way to the roof. Casita had tried to stop her but nothing could stop her now. She wanted it to end. She wanted everything to end. The comments, the looks, the pain.
She had written a note to the family.
Dear Familia,
I guess I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not getting a gift. I'm sorry for being a bother all the time. I'm sorry I'm a screw up. I wish I was as strong as Luisa or as perfect as Isabela. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you.
Mirabel
Mirabel took a breath as she read over it again. She held that breath as she looked down. She was at one of the higher points of the house. It'd be enough. She'd be gone before anyone found her. Mirabel closed her eyes and clutched the paper in her hands.
"Mirabel?" She flinched a little as a voice rang out behind her. She turned and saw Camilo standing on the roof behind her, "...Do I want to ask why Casita woke me up and brought me to you. Standing at the edge of the roof. Holding a note."
"I.. I uh…" Mirabel faltered trying to think up an excuse, "I just couldn't sleep. Decided to come up here. Fresh air and all."
"Mira…" Camilo walked over to her, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Like I said, I just couldn't sleep," Mirabel moved to get past him, wanting the interaction to stop.
Camilo held out his arm to stop her, "Mira… please… What's wrong? And don't say nothing again, because if it were nothing then you wouldn't be on the roof holding a suicide note!" His voice rose a little on those last words. It was clear that he wasn't going to let Mirabel go until she talked.
"It's just… it's stupid!"
"If it were stupid then you wouldn't be up here."
"It's just a lot of little things. I can deal with little things. Little things are fine. A stray comment or two from someone who didn't realize I could hear them. The pity in people's voices whenever they talk to me. Feeling like everyone is ignoring me," Mirabel sat down as she stifled a few sobs, "And then some kid. Some kid who I don't even know told me to do it. It's just… I just can't. It hurts."
Camilo sat down next to Mirabel and put his arms around her. She cried into him and he wept a few tears too. How could he let it get so bad. How could any of them have missed the signs that it had gotten so bad.
~~~
It got better after that. Mirabel still had bad thoughts about bad things, but they were less. Mysteriously, a lot of the kids that'd make comments about her being useless stopped. She saw that kid she didn't know once again, but he saw her and turned away in fear before sprinting off to the other side of the Encanto. Weird...
Camilo was always making an effort to talk to Mirabel or include her in something he was doing. It was nice to have someone care so openly about her again.
But all good things must come to an end. She was just walking when she heard Tio Felix talking to Camilo.
"I get that you and Mirabel are close, but it's interfering with your chores and duties. You have a gift. Your duty is to use it to help others. Some things are more important than pulling a prank with your cousin."
"But-"
"No buts. You have a duty to help all that you can. So stop spending so much time with Mirabel and do it."
"I… I…" Camilo looked at his father, defeated, "Yes papa."
So Camilo started spending less and less time with Mirabel. At some point she began to think she deserved it. Camilo did have a job to help people. She just wasn't one of those people.
And the thoughts returned. And she wrote a new note.
~~~
It was Antonio's gift ceremony. It was a happy day. For everyone but Mirabel, at least. She felt terrible that she wasn't happy. She should be happy. She loves her little cousin but the ceremony just kept reminding her of how much of a fuck up she was. Kept reminding her that no matter what, she'll never be good enough. She'll always be lesser.
So she walked away from the party. She couldn't deal with it. Maybe tonight would be the night. She still had the note that she wrote when she was thirteen. No. Not tonight. She wouldn't be even more of a burden by ruining Antonio's special day.
So she planned on doing it tomorrow. But then the cracks started forming and well… you know the rest.