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Chapter Text

Early morning in Camden town and barely any creature was stirring. The blaring screams of London life roaring off in the distance. And in a certain three story home in a certain street, a small pup was sleeping soundly.

I shuffle around as I try to get comfortable and try to go back to sleep, the sound of various tiny snores echoing around me. Strange, could have sworn I live alone. In my own apartment. Also could have sworn I was sleeping in my bed so why’s my back feeling exposed. Cracked an eye open so I could see what’s wrong.

This isn’t my house.

It was dim. Morning hadn’t set in yet so the sun didn’t shine much but I could tell from what little light the room did have that this was, in fact, not my bedroom. Was I kidnapped? No, I’m not restrained. Was I drugged? Didn’t feel like it. In fact I feel quite fine! A little sore, a little exposed, wait why am I naked?

Raising my hand to wipe my eyes is met with some fuzzy paw straight to the peeper. I hiss as the short fur practically peels my eyelid off, blinking the pain away but not before my brain catches up with the implications. Looking down at the offending appendage, I move my arm to the left. The paw moves left. I move it to the right, the paw follows suit. Shakely I raise both “hands” up to see the little pads of a small dog’s feet. Panic grows as my heart races, breath running short as I hyperventilate. I didn’t know what to think, the paw to the eye proved this wasn’t a dream. Occam’s razor is failing to find any simple answer, especially when the base statement includes turning into a DOG.

A small yawn interrupts my anxiety attack. I have to physically force my paws to close my muzzle to keep myself silent so that I don’t alert anyone to my current growing hysteria, reeling at the fact that I indeed had one instead of a normal face. All around me scattered about were the sleeping forms of puppies. So many puppies. That explains the amount of snoring before. You’d think this was a pet shop if this wasn’t the living room to someone’s house. Maybe this is a pet shop, some kind of breeder’s home. Dear god, I’ve been kidnapped, drugged, turned into a dog just so some jerk can make bank on the animal market! Dollars for a dozen. I’m going to be sold to some germ infested kid and kept as a family pet until I croak after 15 years when this mutt body cops out.

Tears flow down my cheeks as I keep my sniffling to a minimum. I try to curl up into a ball and rock myself in comfort, what little I could afford in this state. There’s little I can do now. This is my fate. I weep silently into the morning.

In a quaint cozy townhouse on Dalmatian street, a single puppy among dozens silently cries as the daylight crawls up from the horizon, desperate not to alert anyone to his plight.

Chapter Text

So several things have come to light as morning came. 

One.

This was not a breeder’s home like I thought it was, thank god for that. Turns out all the puppies belonged to one giant, happy family.

Two. 

Every single dog in this household is a dalmatian, including me if the spots on my legs are any indication. Makes sense, one family would be all one species (how a single dog can make this many pups is something I don’t want to think about). 

Three.

I know whose house this belongs to.

“Breakfast!” someone calls out.

A flurry of paws and fur comes stomping past as the fury of under a hundred puppies rush out for the morning meal bell. Being caught unaware my attempts to get out of the way were halted only by the memory popping up at the absolute worst time that I did not have the motor functions to work four legs. Rather instead I successfully faceplant the moment before being swept away by the puppy-nami, and was unceremoniously deposited into the hallway as they head on further into the house for the early morning grub.

Ow.

You think finding yourself in one of your favorite cartoon shows would be amazing. Action! Adventure! Friendships and more! Would have absolutely been up for that if that had ever happened to me. Well, ok not really up for it if I had the choice, but having the option available sounds nice. That all changes when you get stripped naked, shoved into the body of an animal, all with no clear way to get home. I squeeze the leftover tears out of my eyes. Can’t be depressed, there is nothing I can do about getting out of here. At least not right now.

“Okay, enough being sad,” I resolved to myself, “got to figure out this whole four legging bit if I want to get anywhere.” Slowly I get up onto my paws with shaky legs. Not hard, I can do this.

I take one step and proceed to belly flop. Alright harder than I thought. Still have to do this.

It takes several minutes as I awkwardly silly-walk my way to the dining room, everyone already happily munching away at their meal as I come in. Some giggle at my odd strides, driving me to go faster in shame as I hastily try to find an open bowl. The largest dog looks up from his food to address the last pup to the table.

“Morning, son!” The big dalmatian welcomes. “Are you sleeping alright? Seems like you hit the snooze a little too long!” The dog jests.

Doug and Delilah Dalmatian. Loving father and mother of 99 pups. Firefighter and nurse. Unofficial owners of the 101 dalmatian street household. And if his statements were correct, my currently assumed guardians.

Must have been staring too long cause when he turns over to look, his cheerful demeanor softens “You okay?”

Several other pups look over to me, their attention provoked by the concern of their parental figure. My eyes darted between their curious gazes before I realized what they were curious for. I had just been crying for hours in silence just this morning, there most definitely must be inflamed eyes and tear stains on fur. Probably looked like I woke up from a total train wreck.

My paws raised, swinging in protest, “No no! I’m ok,” I try to reassure them, almost losing balance when my swings get too eccentric. Luckily I catch myself on the table, “really, I’m fine”

Dog dad doesn’t sound convinced, “Are you sure about that, kiddo?” Other dog parent raises an eyebrow. Crap, too suspicious. Better nip this in the bud.

“Positive” clearing my throat, “Just a silly dream” I flash him a big fake smile. Please buy it.

"Well okay then.” Close call. “Better eat up, you pups have a big day ahead!"

"Dad~ it's just a normal day!" Whined a certain nerdy red collared pup.

"Ah *pssh*, yeah dad it's not like it's the prince's birthday or something." sassed a tomboy adorned with skater bracelets.

Dylan and Dolly Dalmatian. The main characters of 101 Dalmatian Street. Responsible nerd and adventurous tomboy. Sure would have wanted to hug and get their autographs if I wasn’t dealing with the matter of being a dog. Living a dog’s life, trying to walk with dog feet, eating dog food. Speaking of food.

Tuning out the idle family conversation to look down at my...“breakfast”.

Kibble, hearty food for puppy champs. A totally normal meal for a growing dog who grew up as a dog and lived their entire dog life, as a dog. I sigh. Looks like dry meat cereal to me.

One pup looks up at me from their food, "Aren't cha gonna eat?"

I keep staring at the bowl.

"I'm not really hungry."

=+=

Delilah looks up at the clock, "Oh! We're going to be late for work."

She grabs her medical case in her mouth and pulls Doug by the collar, dragging both to the front door. "Dylan! Dolly! Remember your chores!"

“Okay mom!” The oldest pups answered.

Delilah nods back as she heads out. Doug takes a little longer to wave back, “I’ll be back before you know it! I LOVE YOU AAAAALLLLLLLL!”

“Okay dad!” They answered again only with knowing eyerolls.

And with that they were off. Dylan claps his paws, “Alright everyone! Toothbrush time!” The rush of black spots on white zooms past me as everyone heads upstairs. I try to follow suit, desperately yet utterly failing to catch up to the more energetic pups. 

Why was I so keen on fitting in? Trying not to stand out despite absolutely botching that? Because on the way in the dining room, I had counted the amount of pups and dogs in the room. All of them there added up to one hundred and one dogs sitting at the table.

Add one more and that makes one hundred and TWO dogs.

I’m an odd one out.

Somehow the entire dalmatian family thought I was one of them despite my blundering. For my own sake, it needed to stay that way. If they find out I’m not one of theirs, who knows what’ll happen. I can’t just tell them the truth. ‘ Indeed dalmatian family! I am in fact a human who was turned into a dog and got sent hundreds of miles across the ocean straight into your home. Why no, I don't know how it just happened! ’ who’d believe that shlock! Especially coming from a pup that can’t even WALK right. If I get exposed, I could be kicked out! Wait no they’re not mean enough to set a child to the streets. But they could lock me up for being completely bonkers. Can’t have that. Call me paranoid if you have to. If I’m to survive I need to keep this little notion buried! I trailed after my “brothers and sisters” only to stop at the first step. 

“Oh geez”

Never in my life have I ever been intimidated by a flight of stairs before. There’s only a handful of steps but each went up to my eyeball. Curse this small canine body! 

“Alright, one step at a time, right?” trying to reassure myself, ”I can do this.”

One paw forward. Then left paw. Pull and JUMP! 

“OOooof!”

Alright one step down. Thirty or so more to go. Nutterbuts. I was up on my third when a sock shaped head peered over from the first floor. 

“Come on, everyone’s waiting!” Dylan shouts down.

“Co-*oof*-Coming!” I say despite struggling as fast as I could.

Apparently not fast enough for the older pup, cause he promptly marches down the steps to meet me much more than half way. “The other pups are getting restless! We gotta move!” Dylan proceeds to get behind me, using his head to push me up the stairs, clambering over my own paws in a struggle to keep up with the older pup’s advances.

“W-Wai-whoa!” 

Too late. Lost my perch on the steps. Not being able to actually catch a foothold, my “brother” proceeds to just roll me up the stairway. An occasional grunt and comical squawk from me for every ledge we pass before unceremoniously being deposited at the top probably made this more ridiculous than it had to be. Puppy chortles came back with a vengeance as the whole dalmatian family giggled at the last slow pup. ’Gee, thank dude.’

Dolly cracks a smile, “Dude! Did you forget to walk? It took you forever to get up here!” 

Yeah yeah, yuck it up you little troglodytes. Mock the sad floppy dog and his flailing limbs. Fine, I’ll show you what I can do, Dolly! I’ll show you. I’ll show you ALL!

I turn to Dylan, “Say could I-”

Dylan shakes his head, “No time, in you go!” and proceeds to shove me in position “Open up!”

“Wha-” is all can I say before half a tube of dentifrice was dumped straight down into my gaping maw.

Choking on toothpaste, not fun. Definitely went far past my gums. Being deepthroated by a mechanical toothbrush, even more not fun. I was trying to protest but turned left right into the darn apparatus instead. Can feel it vibrating my tonsils. Have an entire family of 99 pups ranging from chuckling to outright laughing at your orally hygienic torture? Please tell me I can pay someone to take that memory away. When the process was finally done, I stumbled around the bathroom after being waterboarded by the contraption; shuffling myself onto a stepping stool before hurling the remaining paste out of my mouth and into the toilet bowl. Rounds of ews spewed from the puppy gallery as I try to eject the taste of spearmint from my windpipe. 

Dolly grimaces, “Ugh, was never using that drinking bowl ever again but now I really won’t!” 

I give her a stink eye. Rolling off the stool, I push it up to the toilet basin before crawling up and pulling the lever. The filthy water whorls to life as my refuse gets sucked down the pipe hole within as I walk back over to Dylan, trying to wipe my muzzle of any excess toothpaste with the coat of my arm. The puppies on the other hand were having a blast.

“Wooooaaaah!” said one pup.

“Coooooool!” another calls out.

“Look at it go!” Three pup cheering choir up in here.

Dolly walks up next to Dylan and me, “Huh, didn’t know it could do that.”

“So that’s what Mr. Fuzzy did! Guess you learn something new everyday.” Dylan gave me a nudge by the elbow. My face deadpan.

Seriously? None of them knew the toilet’s functions? It’s an open lever! While’s fair they wouldn’t be using it for its intended purpose but you think one of these pups would have pulled it out of curiosity. I’ve had enough.

“That’s just because you guys have been using the toilet, the thing humans use to do their 'business', as a drinking bowl.” I say emotionlessly as I attempt to make my way past everyone to the door. The sound of collective nausea the two were audibly emoting was irritating but I could not care right now. I’m done. I bawled my eyes out just hours ago and after a failing crash course in quadrupedal motor controls with no fuel running this gut, I got subjected in front of a live audience in the name of dental sanitation.

No more hijinks.

This pup is gonna go tumble down the stairs and sleep at the foot, clock it in early; we finished with today now.

After the third sequential flush and fourth round of puppy ovations, I was finally able to pop free of the crowd and into the hallway. Was about to head for the stairs when I heard something that made my heart sink.

“Alright that’s enough, guys. We’re wasting water. Time for a headcount!” Dylan exclaimed. My stomach drops an inch at his statement. And it wasn’t from the lack of breakfast.

Dolly looks at her brother doubtfully, “Come on. Didn’t we already do a head count before breakfast? You like counting that much, bro?” she joked.

Despite his sister’s jab, Dylan looked oddly proud of himself, “Can’t be too careful with this many pups. Now can you line everyone up to the stairs, Dolly?”

“On it, ya bean counter!” she gives a mocking salute before telling the rest to form up.

I immediately dart onto the wall as the pups line up for the counting, shaking nervously as the puppy train starts moving one by one. If I stay near the front maybe Dylan wouldn’t notice one extra puppy, right? Several of the pups turn to look at their shaking brethren with raised eyebrows. I flash them the fake smile I gave Doug then try to return to a neutral state, or at least as neutral as I could manage with jittering paws.

It didn’t take long for me to get to the stairs, having started the chain early; Dylan was at the foot counting away. Holding my breath, I anxiously waited my turn.

“43... 44... 45…” he taps my head as we move right along, pups scattering after they’ve been accounted for.

Robot walking away in an attempt to keep my paws under control, I head into the main room before exhaling in relief. Dylan didn’t see any discrepancies yet but you can’t be too sure. I hide by the couch just to be clear as the rest of the pups make their way down, keeping an eye out for the results.

“95… 96… and 97! There, all accounted for.” Dylan wipes his brow, “Huh, that’s the first time I actually counted all the pups without missing onaAAAH!”

He exclaims in pain. Behind his tail, a tiny pup had chomped down, using his backside as a chew toy.

“Dorothy~! No biting!” Dylan picks up the wee dog as she giggles in his arms. “Didn’t see you there you little rascal, I almost forgot to count- wait hang on...” I choke silently. Dylan tries to count with his toes mentally trying to recount the number in his head, but not before being interrupted.

“Bow-Waka-WOOOOW!” Screamed Dolly as she grinds down the banister, landing right next to Dylan and Dorothy.

“Dolly! Careful in the house! You almost hit Dorothy and me.” Dylan exclaimed as he had just thrusted his little sister out from the skater’s path.

Dolly groans in frustration, “You guys have been taking FOREVER to get ready! Counting once should’ve been enough. Especially when it’s time to go to the PARK!” she says, emphasizing the end of her sentence.

“Park?” “Park!” “Park!” One by one the puppies, riled by their sister’s call, form up en masse, heading for the door at breakneck speed.

“Dang it Dolly! Trigger word” Dylan exclaimed right before being enveloped by his frenzied family.

I snickered at the sibling’s antics only to realize the puppies were pushing me along with them. Doing my best to latch onto the couch proved fruitless as the puppies ran along with a force strong enough to drag me with,  my feeble screams lost in the overpowering sounds of excitement as the Dalmatian family headed out.

=+=

Here we all are at the local park. Rows of shopping stalls line the plaza as humans browse various goods ranging from tiny bric-a-brac to healthy as well as VERY unhealthy street food. There was even Mr. Fuzzy with his lady friend! Most of them really were glued to their phones, an inch from their faces. Wonder if I was ever that bad.

As for the fam, all of the pups were everywhere: some were digging, others playing tug a war with sticks they’ve found, but most were running about being a general nuisance to the local populace. Dolly was out playing tricks on her skateboard, speeding down the sidewalks as fast as she could. A small pup strapped in a handicap wheelchair was following alongside, must be Delgado. Looks like both of them are racing today. A large rottweiler and some ball of white fluff strapped with a leash along with several other pups were on the sidelines, cheering them on. Dylan was chasing the rest to make sure they didn’t get into too much trouble, at least enough to not alert the local authorities. One motley group, fox, a rat, and a squirrel, were spectating as they entertained themselves with his failing attempt to control the situation. It was quite the chaotic circumstance.

So you know, a normal day in Camden.

Where was I in all of this? Just squatting at the base of the horse statue in the park square dog watching, well people watching but with more dogs. Honestly I was way too mentally exhausted to do anything. Having been tossed headfirst into a crash course in walking the dog, trial by puppies style, I was nowhere near able to keep up with these little hellions hopped on adrenaline in their youthful antics. Besides, was never really the athletic type, always sat at the top of the jungle gym during recess as a kid. Now I wasn’t fat per say but I certainly wasn’t winning marathons. At least now I can walk, if clumsily.

I look down at a leftover puddle at my feet, a puppy looking back at me with a tired expression. If I was to guess, he’d be roughly between Dawkins and Deepak in size. His defining feature was a pair of oblong spots across his forehead right above his eyes, like he had two thick eyebrows. Straining my temples and the pup returned shocked astonishment. When I sighed, he followed suit. Around his neck, a deep blue collar hung with a silver tag reflecting sunlight. A simple equal sided diamond with a spiraling square superimposed within. What does it even mean? Who gave me this? And why is it that I don’t feel more repulsed because of it? The more I look at it, the more I feel...calm? No, it's more of a neutral mood. It’s like it’s preventing me from being too unnerved.

And that unnerves me the most.

So what is the game plan? Do I even have one? Getting home seems like a goal but how can I do that when I have jack next to diddly on leads. At least the first item of the checklist has been preserved; don’t get discovered. Sure no one seems to suspect the quiet pup of anything suspicious, at least for now. Had some close calls though, which is far too many calls for my taste. I need to step up my puppy game. But how? I continue to ponder such conundrums that are forced upon my life, lost in thought.

“Hello!”

“JESUUUUSSS!”

So lost in thought I hadn't noticed the ball of fluff that manifested to my left, leaping a good foot and a half in surprise. Seems her pet human was waiting at the park gates and was trying to reel her in.

“What is pup doing here? Shouldn’t you be out running and playing with rest of family?” Snowball asks in her foreign Russian accent.

I peel myself off the ground, grumbling at my continuously bad luck this day, “I...had a hectic morning”

Snowball’s leash starts snapping as her human gets impatient, “Every morning is hectic morning. *urk* What make this time so bad?” she inquires, struggling with the reins threatening to take her early. I ponder for a second on what to tell our neighbor. Snowball was always a to-the-point kind of dog on the show, maybe she could help give insight? Lord knows I don’t have it.

“Would you believe I completely forgot how to walk when I woke up?”

“That would put damper on mood. But you seem okay now? Got to park fine, no??”

“Yeah, if by fine you mean taking a crash course in foot gymnastics just to not get trampled. Practically got dragged here screaming cause I couldn’t keep up.” I stretch, my back cracking in three places for emphasis.

She winces, “Oof, sounds ruff.”

“Been hanging out next to this statue since everyone got here, just to get a break. Not even sure I can catch up to them on the way back.” I huff.

Snowball taps a paw to her chin, at least I think it’s a chin, “Hmm, maybe you can train here. Park is perfect place to work out legs." She gestures at several pups chasing Sid with Dylan following suit.

I make a pensive face, “I’ve already made a butt of myself. In front of everyone. TWICE. In the span of an hour! I’m not getting out there again.” 

Now it was Snowball’s turn, her brow furrowing, “Do it, or do not! Anything is better than sitting around doing nothIIIINNNNGGGGGGG!” She screams the last of her sentence as the leash finally catches her off guard.

I give her words a thought. After the fiasco that was this morning, I was about completely out of darns to give. Had two strikes. If I get into one more disaster on the scorecard, I’m going insane. Or maybe just leave. That sounds safer. Of course she was right though. If I was going to be a pup, I had to get better at acting like one. First things first, gotta run like a pup. These little furry imps are going to drive my heart into the ground if we keep going at our current pace. Maybe I should join my brothers and sisters as they play.

I glanced over the statue base to where my family was.

Dylan was currently screaming for dear life hanging onto the pups who have now constructed a doggy pyramid with Dolly, laughing at the top.

Maybe I should practice on my own.

Now, how is a lonely pup gonna practice running in a park? I look up at the horse statue. Guess I can do laps. I get up off my butt and start making rounds, orbiting the park centerpiece. This must be a site, some random dog just running around in circles for no reason. Although if this is Camden and the family comes here often, a single dalmatian sprinting around probably wouldn’t draw much attention. Perfect cover.

Starting off slow and increasing in speed, trying to recall the motions from earlier that day to barely survive the busy upkeep in the house. Then I remembered that it was also the same skill that got me dog-handled like a rubber chicken and stopped.  Let’s try a different method then. The other pups had no trouble running; might be able to mimic their strides instead. Dylan was the most animated dog on the show so his run cycle was the easiest to copy, but man did it feel goofy, almost tripping over my own paws trying. Dolly’s was more clean cut and athletic, which also meant it was more difficult to imitate. I most definitely tripped in my attempts. How is RUNNING so hard! Ok, this isn’t working. Time for a different approach, but what? 

I ruminated on the problem for a moment when a thought crossed my mind. This was a dog’s body right? What if it had the muscle memory of a dog as well. Sure my instincts helped absolutely duck all this morning but I was out of it from just waking up, having warmed up should come natural. Now the problem is how do I bring that out?

Trying once again to make a course around the statue, my legs slowly increasing in speed. When I started stumbling, I took action. Taking a leap of faith, I close my eyes, letting my other senses take over.

I can feel it. Yes! I’m actually running! My paws continue to go faster and faster. I can run! I can RUN!

A jet of water catches me out of my jogging trance by surprise. A clocktower rings out the call of noon, which must have been time for the hourly fountain show, the one I just ran into.  And unfortunately, due to my current velocity added by the force of water to my face equals one flying puppy. The world goes spinning several times before everything goes dark when I hit the concrete. I’m just gonna lay here, just for a while. The sound of chuckling and phone tapping from the corners of my perception. Something tells me that my little escapade was recorded by a passing human. 

Well that could have gotten better. Pain and embarrassment aside, I got the feeling down. I can run. Now I just need to do so with my eyes open. I peel myself off the ground and start again, going onto my umpteenth circuit round. Hopefully I can keep up without making any more mistakes.

=+=

So mistakes have been made.

“I can’t believe I have to carry your butt home. You are one heavy pup, you know that right?” Dolly grunts sorely being the one transporting my immobile butt across her back, like a breathing sack of potatoes.

“Sorry.” I say weakly.

Dylan on the other hand was frantically circling his sister, checking up on the floundered pup that had passed out in the middle of the park earlier that evening, “Oh my dog, we were so worried! What happened?!? Why did you collapse?!?! What were you doing to make you like this?!?!?!?” he says in rapid succession. Several other pups looked upon us with concern though not as much as their panicking older sibling.

“Running.”

“Why would running make you like this?”

A loud rumbling could be heard echoing throughout the street. 

“It’s the end of the world as we know it!” screamed a familiar black dalmatian. Thank you for your input, Dante.

Dylan’s head shot back and forth, looking for the source in panic, “What was that!?”

I smile sheepishly, “That was me.”

Looks like skipping chow bit back harder than I thought, certainly bit a gaping hole in my stomach something fierce. Eat your breakfast kids, it’s the most important meal of the day. Dylan and Dolly relax as they just realize the cause of their sibling’s plight was just really aggressive hunger pains.

Dylan wipes his brow, “Oh, that’s a relief. I thought you contracted something horrible.”

“What, didn’t you eat this morning?” Dolly asked.

I lowered my head, “Wasn’t hungry.”

“At least we don’t have to tell mom and dad one of the pups got sick on our watch. I really don’t need another lecture today.” She chuckles, “Already filled my nagging quota for today from fussy-face over here.”

“Well I kept telling you that a puppy pyramid is super dangerous! One pup could slip which trips another and before you know it the entire formation falls apart....” Dylan trails on as his rant is far from over.

Dolly just shakes her head at her overbearing brother, “Come on, let’s get you some dinner.”

The rest of the pups proceed to make a beeline to the house at the siren call of the food. We followed along through the dog door, the warmth of the house washing over my exhausted body. I never noticed it before, what with all the hectic events earlier, but now with an empty stomach, I could feel it. The smell of rampant dog hair and thoroughly chewed rubber of used chew toys. Sounds of cheerful puppy laughter echoing all the way to the entrance. All this sensory overload should be foreign to me. And yet it… was welcoming. Almost makes me want to get home just a little less.

As the pups were rushing past for some evening mealtime, Delilah was looking over her children lovingly until her gaze turned over to us, her smiling face falling to concern.

“Goodness, what happened! Are you hurt? Dylan! Dolly! What happened to your brother!” She's immediately at Dolly’s side doing a more thorough checkup on me, only to be interrupted by rumbling.

“Don’t worry, he’s just hungry. Someone forgot to eat their kibble this morning.” Dylan grinned.

Delilah sighed in relief, all of her pups were okay, “Alright, if you say so. Let’s get you an extra helping for dinner then.” she says as we all head into the dining room.

Dolly deposits me softly next to her before digging into her hearty meal of kibble. Decrepitly, I pull myself up to my own bowl. A small mountain of dog food had been poured into the plastic vessel, practically overflowing and ready for consumption. I look to Dolly who turns from her meal.

“Come on, eat up! You definitely need the grub.” Dolly says with her mouth full before returning to her food.

Looking back at the kibble pile, I lick my lips, my stomach reminds me again how famished I was. Well gotta eat sometime, right? Bottoms up! I dive into my dinner, eyes closed tight, taking a reluctant bite from the mound and chewing softly.

Yup, tastes like meat cereal.

Chapter Text

Hands are weird.

You don't really get how weird they are until you think about them, thoroughly. There are about twenty seven bones found within the human hand, each. That's over half of the skeleton! Eight are located in the wrist, five in the palm. The remaining fourteen occupy the fingers and thumbs, you know the ones, three calcium sticks per digit and two in the monkey stubs. Us humans know intrinsically how they move, how they grip and feel. It’s practically the first instinct of a human baby to grab.

A dog’s paw is incredibly different as there are only seven bones in the front paws and six in the back, each toe only holding a single phalange bone. Most of the bones are built further up the foreleg, made to support the foot. Science would dictate that it would be impossible to be tactile with such an amount of joints. There should be no way a dog’s paw to physically grip anything.

Which makes flexing said dog’s paws all the more uncanny.

“You think he’s okay? He’s been like that for a while.” Dolly asks, nervous about the pup who’s been stationary, staring at his own paws.

Dylan, on the other hand, was preoccupied.

“If he’s not bouncing off the walls he’s fine, Dolly. We have bigger things to worry about!” He yelled as he was currently wrestling the flailing fire hose running rampant in the dining room, spewing gobbles of dog food at any unfortunate victim still within sight.

Context is probably needed.

So after the day that was poor nutritional choices along with over exertion, it started off like any other. Everyone woke up for breakfast, this time I took the initiative and actually ate my food instead. Still felt weird to eat, like dry protein bits and...stuff. But I digress, it was filling and I tolerated it. 

I miss fresh food already. 

Anyways Doug and Delilah headed off for their day jobs like usual. The moment the door closes though, the kibble pump blorps. The darn thing starts dispensing pellets all over the darn place, somehow actively seeking out puppies to spray down. So strong was the flow that it sent them flying upwards, almost juggling the poor saps via pressurized dog food.

Doing the smart thing, I high tailed it out of there, in which I bailed at the first large thump as the pump malfunctioned. Hey! If you had to deal with the day I had, you’d be running too. Unfortunately not quite smart enough cause I got caught in the corner couch with trails of meal taking pot shots from behind. In my panic I had somehow constructed a temporary shelter out of couch cushions and spare pillows before wondering how I could grab in the first place. Dylan ran for the hose in a vain attempt to hold back the hostile rubber serpent while Dolly rounded up the rest of the family and got them to safety. She had just evacuated five when she noticed me just sitting on the couch, groping the air like a loon. I certainly felt like one. ‘ What’s this! I have paws???? ’

Now that we’re caught up, let's resume our featured program.

Dylan holds on for dear life as the hose contorts wildly, like it was trying to buck him off.

“Dolly! A little heEEELLLP!”

“Kinda occupied, bro. These pups aren’t going to save themselves, you know.” Dolly responds back through teeth full of puppy fur.

Seeing as plan A was too busy, Dylan tries plan B.

“DAWKINS! HEELLLP!” The pup with the blue collar sporting a molecule tag looks up, having been called.

“Oh, kibbles!”

Dawkins makes a break for the contraption, dodging and weaving around the raging homemade appliance. Or at least to the best of his ability, the pump slaps him around more than once on the trip to the off switch. He quickly pushes a spare ladder in place, climbs, and presses the switch, shutting down the infernal machine, but not before its had its last revenge and leaving the poor pup caked in foodstuff. With the fuel source dead, the hose drops to the ground along with Dylan, slain by the lack of power.

If you’d look at the room now you’d think the ultimate food fight of the decade had broken out. Piles of dog food all over the place, sprinkled with puppies.

Dylan groaned in pain.

He groans more at the state of the room.

“Great, now we have to clean up this mess.”

Dolly puts a foreleg around her brother, “No problem bro, I got this. EAT UP EVERYONE!”

“Dolly wait!” Dylan shouts a second too late.

The massive piles of kibble are quickly gobbled up by the pups, leaving the floor practically spotless.

“See? Problem solved.” Dolly exclaimed on a job well done.

Dylan wasn’t amused, “Dolly, we already ate. Everyone’s going to be overfed now,” he points to the surroundings, “look.”

Sure enough, everyone was on their backs moaning in discomfort, bellies extended with extra food. 

Dolly looks at her rotund family awkwardly, “Oh” She says as her ears splay at the job not quite well done.

Dylan sighs, “Oh is right. Let’s get everyone out back, hopefully so they can work off the extra kibble. Dawkins? Can you take a look at the kibble pump? Me and Dolly need to get everyone else to the backyard.”

Dawkins sighs, but relents being the only one in the household with the ability to do so, “Alright, I’ll see if I can fix the malfunction.” he says before pulling out a wrench. Dylan nods as both he and Dolly proceed to roll the other pups to the yard.

If you were wondering where I was in this whole debacle, my dumb butt was still mesmerized by my own two paws. Why, you ask? They’re four bean nubs! It’s just like having hands only with 4 fingers. How difficult is it to comprehend? Ha ha. no .

Let me explain. Dogs actually have five toes on their forelegs, the same 4 nubs you see on normal paws but with an additional toe much smaller than the others. This “thumb” toe does little in aiding the animal in their canine functions, only looking like a claw stub on the side of the paw. That is currently GONE from my own appendages at the end of these arm foreleg… things. So when I’m flexing my paws, I can only feel my four fingers, there is no thumb. Instead my POINTER finger has taken the empty slot my missing extremity had left. So if I do a ‘who has two thumbs and is over this’, I’d be lying because I’d be actually pointing at myself. Also I’d give the sky the bird if I actually point.

Feels just as weird as it sounds.

I keep clenching and unclenching my paws for a good twenty minutes before realization sets in on how quiet it’s gotten. Peeking out from my pillow front, there seems to be a distinct lack of kibble around. Where’d everyone go? I jumped down to find out where they went. Heading into the dining room reveals the sound of a lone turning wrench. Looking up, Dawkins is on top of a pile of books, slowly working on the kibble pump.

“Hey?”

“Hey.”

“...”

I cough nervously.

Bite me, I’m bad at small talk.

I try again anyways. “Sooooo, fixing the kibble pump?”

“Yup.” *wrench*  *wrench*

“Where’s everyone?”

“In the backyard.”

“Why?”

He stops wrenching the pump, turning to me, “When we shut down the pump, there was excess kibble all over. Dolly got everyone to consume the lot but that left them bloated. So Dylan and Dolly moved everyone out back for some physical activity. To work off all that extra food.” He sighs, “Now it has come to my responsibility to fix this.” He turns back, “Burden of the proficient it seems.”

I look towards the back, “You want me to get Dylan?”

Dog shakes his head, “No no, he’s probably got his paws full with the other pups. Besides, I don’t think even he can patch this, not since the last time the pump was on the fritz.” Oh yeah! I remember. That was a fun episode. Dawkins returns his focus on the gizmo, giving the pump a good wack. The pump jumps, slightly sparks, then lets off a small stream of smoke indicating some kind of short circuit. He grumbles. 

I put a paw to my chin, pondering. While I’ve basically burned the art of running into muscle memory, there’s still so much about this body that I don’t know about, too much for my liking. Like what if I’m double jointed? Do I have the smell and hearing of a dog? Factors I would very much care to understand. You know. Since it’s my body. The one I have to live with. Not to mention Dolly’s comment earlier irked me in an odd way. Not the context but the fact she questioned in the first place. I’ve been incredibly lucky that no one has noticed my estranged behavior up to now. Anyone that has noticed something wrong has shrugged it off as silly puppy business, but I might not be so lucky in the future. I need to integrate, and I can’t do that if my paws were useless. Looking up at Dawkins, him gripping the wrench in his own paws, then looking down at my clenching digits. If I’m going to be working with these paws for anything, I’ll have to use them. And I know just how to get that chance.

I stood up against the wall, “Hey, Dawkins?”

“What is it.” Dawkins says more as a sigh rather than a question.

“Can I help?”

The wrench drops from his paws, clattering loudly on the hardwood floor, “Help?”

“Yes” I reassured.

“You want. To help. Me.”

“Yes?” Less sure now. Ok now you’re scaring me dude.

Suddenly I’m swept up into a hug, spine crushingly so if my eyes popping from my skull was any indication. Dawkins had just broken physics, scaling the books in a single second and is currently holding me in a full on bear crushing embrace, cheek to cheek. Man these pups are strong, or maybe I’m just squishy. Normally I’d be… ok with physical contact, but Dawkins caught me by the neck and is currently strangle-holding my windpipe. I struggle under his vice grip, air now at a premium.

“N-No one has ever offered to help before.” His eyes glimmered, clearly moved by the gesture of good will.

“R-Really? Not eve-ven Dylan?” my response came out strained.

Dawkins shakes his head, and due to the close contact, rubbed hard into my fur, “He’s too busy cleaning up after the others! Now I can finally get the help I need!” he closes his eyes, a single tear trails down his fur. Wow. That actually sounds tough, being the sole mechanic of a hundred plus household twenty-four seven. I would have felt more sorry for the poor sod if I wasn’t suffocating right now.

I desperately cried out with what remaining willpower still held within my shrunken esophagus, “Need ox-oxygen” It wasn’t much.

“Oh kibbles! I’m so sorry! I was just so happy that someone wanted to aid me out of their own free will.” Realizing what he’s been doing, Dawkins releases his emotional support victim from his well meaning but surprisingly strong clutch. I flop down, gasping for vital air my lungs were deprived of. After several hacking coughs, I quickly recovered.

Giving him a reassured smile, I let Dawkins know I was still up for the task, “Yep, glad I can help! So what do?” The quicker he thinks I’m ok, the faster we can start. Can’t keep making people worried.

Dawkins nods, “Yes, let’s get started.” He climbs back up the book ladder but stops midway, “Oh, just wondering. Do you happen to possess any prior mechanical knowledge, would you?” He asks. Giving it some thought I shake my head. Sure I could turn a bolt with a wrench but that was when I was human, “Oh well, worth a try. Alright then, go get some books by the counter. When you do, stack them so you can hold the pump in place while I tighten.” Smiling, I head off, coming back pushing several books by my head. Climbing the paperback bundle, I stand on my hindlegs, pushing my weight onto the accordion.

When I gave Dawkins a look letting him know I was ready, he returned to tightening only for the pump to start shaking. He must have fastened the wrong bolt because the pump bursts, proceeding to give us both an extra helping of kibble. At speed.

We groan in pain.

=+=

“Hey Dawkins, I’m back. How’s the kibble pu- Woah!”

Looks like Dolly came inside to check on the progress of the pump. What she finds are two exhausted pups who spent the past hour patching, or more accurately fighting tooth and claw with the stubborn contraption to get it functional again. It’s a hose attached to an accordion, it should not have that kind of kick! But it paid off, despite various kibble stains painting the room the pump is now properly functional. For now.

“You got it working again. Nice job, Dawkins! Didn’t think it’d be fixed so fast.” She helps the pup up, giving him a congratulatory pat on the back that almost knocks the dog right back down.

“Yes well, it certainly would have taken a considerable amount of time to complete the repairs. Luckily I had some assistance!”

Throwing up a weakly gripped paw, ”~I’m assistance~.” I pant.

The two other pups chuckle at my joke before Dawkins speaks up, “Where’s Dylan?”

“Still with the pups, trying to get everyone to work out. Triple D tried to get everyone to try ‘CrossFit’ whatever that is. Some kind of human thing I think.” Dolly smiles slyly, “It’s going as well as you think.”

Dawkins raises an eyebrow, “Mmm, and I assume you’re here because you didn’t want to deal with all that?” Dolly to her credit doesn’t sound as nervous as she looks, her eyes trying their best to look anywhere else other than her brother’s own inquisitive stare.

A doorbell rings.

Dolly raises a brow to the front door, “Huh, were we expecting a delivery?”

“Not that I’m aware of, no” Dawkins answers warily.

The two pups head into the main hallway, making their way towards the entrance. I stayed right the fuck where I was, far too tired to follow. Rather I crawled my way to the couch for a softer place to rest. Doesn’t mean my ears weren't listening, the whirl of an electrical scanner followed by the opening and closing of a door happening past the wall. Sounds like they got the mystery package. Dolly was the first to speak up.

“What the heck is this?” 

“I’m not sure, perhaps it’s Dylan’s.”

“If it was, I’m pretty sure he’d be here waiting for it. I mean who the heck is ‘Mr. Scott’?” 

Wait.

“Maybe it was sent to the wrong address?”

“It’s definitely our house, dude. Look!”

“Huh, how peculiar.”

There was a short pause before Dolly spoke up again.

“Whatcha think is inside?”

“Dolly, no! We don’t know to whom this belongs to!”

“We can just give it back if we find out what it is. Come on! Aren’t you curious, Dawkins?”

Before they could come to some conclusion, both were interrupted from their package scrutiny by a loud crash echoing from the backyard.

“Uh oh, sounds like Dylan’s getting his tail handed to him. Come on, we gotta go!”

“But what about the package!? We can’t just leave it here.”

“We’ll ask mom about it later. Now let’s go before we don’t have a backyard anymore!”

Dolly’s head pops up from the hallway, “Hey, you coming or what?”

My pupils darted back and forth suddenly being put on the spot, “Oh, um. Dead tired. Kibble pump took a lot out of me. Don’t worry you guys, go on ahead.”

“Oooookay, just... try to stay out of trouble.”

The sound of running paws pass off into the hall as the two leave to help Dylan in whatever shenanigan was happening today. As… riveting as it sounds to join them, I had some more concerning matters. Slinking my way to the entrance I go, careful to not make a sound.

There lay the package that had just gotten delivered, whether by accident or, if I’m unlucky, ill intent. For what had me spooked was the recipient of this parcel, namely me.

No my name was not Mr. Scott, it is in fact a nickname. One that somehow had stuck with me through my life, some anomalous force of the universe. It started as an inside joke with my friends, which then stuck around with my family. Pretty much every new contact I have ever met hears me called by this nickname, before proceeding to use it themselves. Like a virus it had spread and I was the carrier. Colleagues, coworkers, neighbors, everyone. Soon the world had just known me as Mr. Scott. And now it’s followed me here.

I quickly dragged the package before stopping a few steps, looking back at the front door. Something nagging me about yesterday with our little escapade to the park and needed to be determined. Walking up to the scanner, putting my paw on its surface and mentally crossing my fingers. The device lights up, the glowing line flashing over my paw on baited breath. 

A flash of red and a buzzer rang as my answer. Crap.

Honestly it would have been weirder if the scanner had accepted my pawprint, which would have meant I was in their system without my knowledge. I knew I was an outsider no doubt, but I didn’t think it’d come back to haunt me so fast. Now I’m trapped in this place, house arrest if you will. Maybe I can fob it off as the scanner on the fritz to Dylan. Maybe.

Problems for later, have to deal with the box with my nickname on it. The dalmatian family must never know about it, at least no more than they already do. Can’t tear into it now, that’d leave a paper trail. This delivery needs to have NOT existed in the first place. If I’m going to open it it has to be away from everyone. I needed somewhere quiet.

Train of thought wanders for a place to hide the parcel. First floor is out, too obvious. Anything upstairs is a no go as well, hard enough dragging my butt up a flight let alone with a box my size. My eyes darted left and right before landing on the inside window.

Hang on, that's not right.

No, not an inside window. It was one of those shelf elevators to move stuff like food and laundry between floors.

Dumbwaiters!

That’s right they’re called dumbwaiters! And if I remember this one goes even to the basement. One with a dirt floor.

Perfect.

Dragging the package took considerable effort to get it over the wall, to which I just started tossing the darn thing into the elevator. It took me a little longer to jump into the dumb dumbwaiter on the other hand, stupid tiny puppy legs, before finally succeeding, closing the panel on entry. Letting the lift bring me down, I look at the package.

How…do I open this? My hands are currently paws and my paws aren’t nearly dexterous enough to not rip open the box without also damaging the contents. How did the dalmatians open their packages again? Wait, I remember. When Dylan got his Dog Star 3000 space helmet, he tore the paper apart with his teeth.

Hmmmm.

I hesitantly gnaw at the corner.

Yup. Tastes like paper.

Struggling to find a grip, what with trying to avoid getting a paper cut on my gums and the fact that paper tastes awful , my teeth finally catch a corner pulling slowly to not rip it off immediately. Don’t want to spit up scraps and have to start again. It takes a full minute to get all the paper off to reveal a simple sliding box. And inside....

It’s a phone.

Not just any phone, MY phone. My old Galaxy S7 android touch phone from when this pup was human. How did I know this was mine? Well I recognized that worn phone case anywhere, still tearing away bit by bit. Somehow someone had sent me my own phone, pair of headphones, and charger in the mail to my new location. They knew who I was and where. So many questions ran through my skull, but none could be answered right now.

The dumbwaiter’s entrance opens up to a dark room, looks like I’ve arrived. I take a peek out of the elevator. To my left the stairs to the first floor. To my right, household junk of various sizes piled in a corner. And the rest was a massive expanse of dirt, several wooden pillars existing as the lone decorum breaking up the empty space. Quiet. Out of the way. Literally underground. You could bury a body here and no one would know it. Or maybe secret garbage someone didn’t want seeing the light of day. 

Perfect.

Pushing the box outside the dumbwaiter lest it drop before I sweep out the remains of the wrappings. Jumping down, I find a corner of dirt to dig up, brushing all the evidence of “Mr. Scott” in and covering it all back up. Now onto business.

Now look at the old thing, what to do with it? Pressing the power button proved useful as the phone whirled to life, surprising that it kept its charge while still in the box. Testing the use of my paws to see if I could use the touch screen without hands, the screen reacted. Success! I press the phone app to go to my contacts when I stop.

Back in the show, all the dogs could understand humans but all the humans could hear was barking.

I’m a dog right now.

Everyone I know is probably human.

If I contact them now, they’ll just think it’d be a prank call, what with a dog answering back with dog yammering.

I closed the app.

Wait! I can send an email! But what do I tell them? ‘Hey, guys! I know I’ve mysteriously disappeared for the past few days but I’m here and alive. Also I’m a dog and currently in another continent.’ Whatever. Someone needs to know. Anyone. Opening up my inbox revealed the usual fare before I got here, advertisements, the occasional newsletter from that one game or another, one email stood out from the rest. Why did this one stick out? Other than being sent on the day I became puppy, the message was also labeled important and starred, one that I had no recollection of attaching. Maybe it has a clue about why I’m even here.

To Mr. Scott,

We appreciate your application to join our operation. Said application will be processed immediately. You will be compensated greatly for your time.

Signed,

*********

Well darn. That answered dip with stick to any of my questions. In fact, I think I have more now.

Application? 

Operation?

When did I apply for something like this? Who are these people? Their name is stricken from the letter and there’s no other company logos anywhere else.

What did I even sign up for?

Why am I on the ground?

Hold on.

Looking up, I saw the basement ceiling as well as an upside down dumbwaiter, realizing I was currently on my back. To add insult and injury, my phone slips from my paws. Would have been only embarrassing if I was human but the cell was currently bigger than my puppy head, so now I’m currently taking my expensive brick to the face. 

Have I said how much I hate being small? Cause I really hate being small. 

Pushing the offending device off, I get up grumbling to see what upended me so. In the place from where I sat, a puppy’s head protruded from the ground, one that was covered in dirt stains and staring in the distance with a wall-eyed expression.

“Dig, dig, dig!”

“Diesel! What are you doing here?” I whisper harshly.

The pup turns his unfocused eyes, taking a pregnant pause before answering, “Digging!”

Right, ask silly question, get dumb answers. Only thing that goes through this dog’s mind.

Let’s try again, “I meant why are you in the basement. Aren’t you supposed to be up in the backyard with everyone else?” articulating my words to be as clear as possible.

Diesel scratches his ear, “Well, Dylan was trying to get everyone to walk in circles which was boring. Then Dallas and Destiny wanted to do something called ‘crossfit’ which was hard. And then the trampoline broke the back wall!” He throws his dirt caked paws wide in emphasis. Not a dull moment in this household, I count my lucky stars on my choice to stay behind. “I started digging when the trampoline flew and here I am!”

“Sounds rough.”

“Sure was!”

“...”

“...diggity.”

Coughing as I try to think of a way to end the conversation, “OK! I'm just gonna go in the corner over there. I, uh…, got some business to attend to.” I pointed in a random direction over my shoulder, “Was nice talking to ya.”

“Say, just wondering.”

“What is it?”

“Who’re you?”

I freeze. Didn’t think I’d be called out so quickly, and from the simple minded one to boot. Crap! Ok, what to say, maybe I can brush it off, “Wh-wh-what do you mean? I’ve been around.” I say, trying to dodge the question.

“I mean yeah, but not for long. You sort of showed up yesterday.” Dodge failed. I chew the insides of my cheek.

“Heh heh… um, how could you tell I wasn’t part of… well, you know…”

The dirty pup gives a look of consideration, something the pooch wasn’t used to making, “Well, you smell different. It’s similar to a dalmatian, but at the same time it’s not.”

I ruminate on what he said, “You sure it isn’t this new phone smell.” Holding up my android with a nervous smile. Maybe that’s the not-Dalmatian smell he found.

“Naah, you had that smell before today.” And I’ve run out of excuses.

My voice comes out shaky, “Alright, I’m new here but I can’t let anyone know that or they might kick me out! Idon’thaveanywhereelsetogo, I’monmyownhere so please please PLEASE pleeeeeease don’t tell anyone!” I start to mix my words as my mood gets more and more anxious.

“Ok.”

“Wait really? You’re really going to keep my secret?”

“Long as you don’t tell Dylan I was here digging, I can dig it.”

A sigh escapes my throat as a wave of relief washes over me, “Yeah... Yeah, I can do that.”

“One thing though.”

“Yeah?”

“What’s your name?”

“Huh.” No one actually ever called me by a name these past day and a half. Devon? No. Dobie? Taken. Can’t use one of the other dalmatians' names, Diesel already knows I’m not one of them. I try to think of a good name, one that wouldn’t stick out from the dalmatian family. Not trying to be unique here, just passable. Come on! It shouldn’t be hard to think of a name starting with a D, it’s not like anyone has dibs on them. Heck even Dibs is used! Might as well call me Dipper cause I’m always dipping down all the time… wait.

I think I can work with this.

Extending a foreleg to the dirt covered pup, the answer dawns on me, “Call me Dipper.”

Diesel takes it in his own soil-crusted paws, dirt smudging my fur, “Welcome to the family, Dipper!” he shakes vigorously, my whole body rippling from the force.

He lets go, I wipe my paws on my sides. I smile, “Thanks”

Chapter Text

“There’s a human in the house!” Dylan exclaimed.

Uh oh.

Dolly looked at her brother, dubious at his claims, “And what makes you say that?”

I was walking down the main hall when I overheard their conversation. Seems like they were talking about the peculiar topic that there might, indeed, be a human inside this house. 

There is, but that’s besides the point.

Dylan continues his diatribe, “There’s cups in the drying rack, a used toothbrush in the sink, the water bowl upstairs flushing at odd hours, and I swear there’s a phone I don’t recognize showing up randomly plugged around the house.”

“Sure, bro. Very incriminating.”

“Dolly, I’m serious! Someone’s been doing the morning chores. Didn’t you notice the food bowls this morning were already filled before we woke up.”

“I thought you were doing them.” Dolly chuckles, “What, aren’t you glad they’re being done for you?”

Dylan looks pensively at the floor, “Well, yes but I don’t know who’s been doing them. It’s not mom and dad, they think it was me!”

“And...why a human?”

“The cups, the brush, the new phone, they’re all signs of human habitation. Somehow there's one currently living in this very household!”

Dolly looks at Dylan with a deadpan face, “A human.”

“Yes!”

“Living in our home.”

“I’m sure of it!”

“Without us knowing or seeing said human.”

“I mean…”

So what was happening? Was there some mystery squatter bumming it up in the dalmatian house and was really good at not being caught by the over ninety nine pups?

Short answer says no.

Long answer goes that I’ve been taking… jaunts in the early morning. No not outside, still can’t leave the house. Still haven’t told Dylan about the scanner bug yet. Instead, using the time to catch up on more personal effects. In turn this pup wouldn’t be around for roll calls and ergo more likely to be caught. It started off with me just getting water. Trying to take water like the other pups proved… problematic, never again. Like hell I was drinking from a bowl, it sucks. Pretty sure most of the water got on my face rather than my mouth.

Anyways after finishing a snack, something fresher than kibble, and a beverage, a mountain of dirty dishes greeted me on both sides of the sink. Adding a used cup and plate to the pile showed me the blaring fact that I was, in fact,  a bum. More or less an uninvited guest. Took it upon myself to rectify that immediately, starting with the dishes. Let me tell you washing took a while, hey you try cleaning hundreds of food bowls without waking everyone in the house!

One thing led to another to finally end at what has been my morning routine for the past few days. First it starts with “dickfast” due to taking place between the witching hours of midnight and five o’ clock. After an hour or so to clean the dirty dishes, I’d take the trek up the stairs solo to go brush my teeth. Wasn’t as bad as my initial trip up to the first floor but it still takes me an inordinate amount of time to do so, so I'm making progress somehow, right? A tumble down the flight afterwards, I’d head to the main dining room with the kibble pump, might as well help the family some. My little impromptu repair session with Dawkins gave me a simple enough understanding of the machinations of this cacophonous machine. Had to gag it with a pillow on the lowest setting so no one would hear the damn thing go off, which made the process take forever to do. With all that done, I’d then scurry off to some corner, preferably with an outlet, to hide from the dalmatian’s morning routine.

Toilet was also me. I’m not a heathen to be doing my business out in public.

As for the phone, well it’s my phone of course. I might have left it out to charge around the house where Dylan had noticed it. Luckily for me, I happen to be around when he does. One quick trigger word in the hallway leads to a panicked top dog while I squirrel away the android before he gets back. Haven’t been caught yet but Dylan seems to have become slightly paranoid. Probably should let him know about all this if it’s giving him this much unease.

“Sure it is, bro, sure it is.” Dolly brightens up, “You think it’s a prank?”

Dylan’s mood switches immediately, “Oh I have had ENOUGH of these pranks. You and everyone else always seem to get the wool over my eyes with your so-called pranks. If I get pranked one more time, I’m going to lose it!” 

Or I can just keep this all to myself.

Well dang, Dylan! Put some slack on those strings! Keep them this taut and something’s going to snap. Darn. If I tell him now, he’s going to think I’ve been pranking him, blowing a casket, and then it’s going to be everyone ’s problem.

“It’s bad enough this keeps happening everyday, but look!” Dylan takes out a U-shaped metal bar with screws attached on both ends, “Whoever it is has been screwing these all over the house! On the ceiling, on the walls, they’re everywhere!” Oh balls.

Dolly looks at the bar inquisitively, “What is it?”

“I think it’s a handle. But that’s the thing, Dolly. These are made for humans! Only humans use them.”

Ok so this was also my fault, but unlike my morning routine, I didn’t plan to tell Dylan about it. He was correct that the metal bars were indeed handles, but had mistaken their intended purpose. Started several days ago…

=-=

“Let me get this straight.” Dawkins pinches his brow, “You want me. To make you. A grappling hook.”

My smiling face strained slightly, ”Yes? I mean I’ll help as much as I can, although not sure I could do much...”

He sighs, “And why do you want a grappling hook?”

“Well, I kinda...sorta...need it.” Shrinking under my ears trying to justify a reason for a grappling hook.

“Alright, why do you need a grappling hook?”

Taking a deep breath, I start explaining, “I need something to get around the house, it takes me at least twice as long as the other pups just to get up a flight of stairs. This puppy is going to be a puppy pancake if I don’t get help.”

Dawkins taps his chin, “And have you tried anything else other than a grappling hook?”

I motion to the stairs with a paw and impassive face. Currently embedded into the walls and ceiling around the steps was no less than a cane, two pickaxes, four stilts, several padded springs, Dolly’s skateboard with an electric fan attached to the back, and an entire intact soda bottle still spewing the remaining cola within.

“So it seems you have.”

I huff, “I’m not asking to be Spiderdog here, okay? Heck, I even tried to use an actual hook on a rope but it sort of vanished after I accidentally threw it through a window.” God that was embarrassing, which was saying something considering my previous attempts were more painful.

“...That explains why Clarissa was so mad this morning. Alright, I’ll see what I can come up with. Just don’t tell Dylan about all this. He’ll probably say it’s too dangerous.”

“Thank you so much! You’re a lifesaver, Dawkins.”

=+=

Over the next few days after that little talk, we had installed multiple of these handles all throughout the house, mostly around the stairs, all under the nose of a certain space loving pup. Dawkins stated something about “upholding the structural integrity of the house” as the reason when asked. Seems we were successful in concealing our conduct from Dylan cause he’s totally panicking about it now.

Speaking of Dylan.

“I’m going to get to the bottom of this, Detective Dylan is on the case!” Dylan decrees, storming off to find the culprit to these mysterious occurrences.

Said culprit slowly walks up from his hiding spot, “Hey Dolly.” I called out.

She looks over in my direction, “Hey dude. What’s up?”

“So uh, what’s going on with Dylan.”

Dolly rolls her eyes at the mention of her oldest brother, “You overheard that huh. He’s been getting antsy about weird things going on around the house and a ‘mysterious human’ doing chores for him. You’d think Dylan would be happy with less work, I know I would.”

“Yeah about that… sh-should I tell him that some of those things might be, sort of, because of me?” I sheepishly mull.

Dolly’s eyes shot up, “Wait, that was you!!! HA ha, mystery human my tailbone!”

“It was early! I didn’t want to disturb anyone!”

“You certainly disturbed Dylan!” she teased, rolling on the floor in hysterics.

“Hey you try washing dishes without waking everyone!”

She gets up, recovering from her fit, “Was breakfast also your doing?”

I cross my forelegs, “I learned how to use the pump when me and Dawkins we're fixing it.”

“Cups and the toothbrush?”

“Can’t really drink from bowls and I almost choked the last time I used the toothbrusher.”

“And the… toilet?”

“...I don’t feel comfortable doing it outside. It’s weird.”

“You’re weird!”

“W-Well, so is everyone else, is not special.” I huff which only makes Dolly break out in another burst of laughter.

“And what, was the mysteriously disappearing phone and these human bars also your doing?”

“I get… jumpy when people snoop around my stuff. No idea about the handles though.”

“Sure, bro.”

“Okay okay! But really shouldn’t I let him know? It seemed like it was bugging him a ton.”

“OOOH! Don’t! Don’t tell him! It’ll be hilarious!”

I raise a brow, “Yyyyyoouuuu sure?”

“Don’t worry, it’s just one of his many moods. The last time he got like this was much more serious, we got framed for vandalizing the park.”

“Oh yeah, heh heh, that sounds bad”

“Yeah bro! Dylan will be fine.” She reassures me.

We both share a good chuckle before a thought crosses my mind, “Wait, if he’s busy being Detective Dylan, who’s going to do the rest of the chores?”

Dolly’s laughter stops abruptly, turning into a groan, “Great, now we gotta do the chores for him. Okay, you get dusting. I’ll go take care of the pups.” She tosses the vacuum at me, who catches it whole bodily, before running off for solo pup care. I grumble.

Thanks, Dolly. Dump the tedious job on me, would ya? Le sigh. Oh well, guess it’s fine. I have been looking for ways to be useful, and now one got shoved into my lap. Silver lining right? Alright you bum! Quit your griping. We got a main room to vacuum. Taking out my phone from a pillow pile, I opened up Pandora, my internet radio app, and wore my headphones. Always did like having music on during work. 

“Wow, Dylan must be really active today. The walls are practically sparkli- huh?” Dawkins walks into the room, expecting Dylan to be manning the vacuum. Instead, he finds a different pup, tirelessly cleaning the main room. He walked up to the working dog, who was too busy vigorously cleansing the room of every speck of dust, had not noticed him approaching.

“DID YOU DO ALL THIS?” Dawkins yells over the vacuum as he attempts to get the pup’s attention.

Vroom goes the cleaner. No response.

He tries again, “HELLO?” still nothing.

Looking closer, he notices the phone wired to a pair of earbuds which in turn were wired to the pup’s ears. The real cause of his disregard. Dawkins reaches over to pull out the audio restrictions, not recognizing the consequences of such.

“GAH WHAT THE HELL!” I scream as pain yanks me away from my task. My immediate response is to turn to the assailant to assess if the next second will be taken to murder the goon who thought it’d be a good idea to PULL OUT MY HEADPHONES. This thought dies instantly when I realize it’s just Dawkins, who is currently staring with a wide eyed expression, “Oh hey… sssssorry about that. I get testy when someone pulls my wires.”

Takes him a few seconds to recover, “It’s all right, DJ is similar with his headgear, but you really shouldn’t talk like that around the other pups. They get...vocal about new vocabulary.”

“Ah, gotcha.” huh, learn something new everyday. On the show they got the Disney overlords to scrub everyone’s mouth with soap, but in real life the family were probably just really careful with their words. Less the pups go on a triad through the weekend.

Dawkins glanced around at the freshly cleaned room, “So you did all this?” He gestures to everything.

“Yup!” Was pretty proud of myself on this one, you could have peeled off the dust in sheets, “Dylan’s occupied so Dolly split up the chores. She got the pups, I got...the vacuum.” my voice drops when repeating how I’ve been stuck with the more banal duty.

“Well you did a mighty fine job considering.”

“Thanks, you could say I was… Dylan-gent” Shit eating grin threatened to break my face. My humor strikes true when Dawkins snorts at the bad joke.

“Ah kibbles, you’re as bad at puns as Dylan,” He snickers, “Speaking of Dylan, where is he?”

My smile wanes, “He’s… off. Trying to find the human in the house.”

Dawkins' eyes go wide,  “There’s a human in the house?!?”

“Theeeeee very same human who installed metal bars on the ceiling and walls.” I hissed through clenched teeth.

He relaxes, not in relief but rather in irritation, “Oh, that might be a bit problematic. I came to let you know the prototype is complete, but we’ll have to start testing immediately if Dylan is on alert. Meet me in the basement when you’re finished cleaning.” Dawkins heads off into the hallway.

“Ten four” giving him a soldier salute in his direction before returning to the vacuum.

The lone pup working hastily finished his task, stashing the vacuum in the corner before following his “brother” to his assigned location. He heads into the hallway to the door leading to the lower floor before stopping. Pausing before the portal, the pup decides to take the dumbwaiter down cause stairs were ratchet and he wasn’t having that. Struggling slightly jumping up to the small elevator, the pup finally entered, closing the panel behind him. Had he left a moment later, he might have noticed two young pups, looking from afar with curious stares, mischief glistening in their eyes.

“You see that, Dee Dee?”

“Sure did, Dizzy!”

“What do you think he’s doing?”

“I’m not sure, but I bet it’s something special.”

“Let’s go tell Dolly!”

And the two were off to tell their older sister of the other pup’s strange behavior.

Having put away the vacuum, I had made my way to the basement via dumbwaiter. Ok I know there’s a door in the hallway with stairs leading to the basement, but honestly, tiny elevator is cool. Also I think I hate stairs now.

Wait.

Why don’t I just use the dumbwaiter all the time? It’s got straight access to all four floors sans the roof. Sure it takes some effort to get into the damn thing but getting up and down the stairs takes so much more…

Answer was probably the possibility of obtaining an actual real life grappling hook! Who gets to use one in their own lifetime? People who want it, that's who! And I want a grappling hook! I’m kinda giddy just thinking about it. So much that I’m dancing in place when I exit the dumbwaiter, all the way right behind Dawkins, who’s standing by the stairs holding up a strange contraption.

“Hey!” I whisper loudly with barely contained excitement.

Dawkins, having not seen me, jumps, “Kibbles!” he jolts, triggering the contraption as it springs open, firing a wire which bounces off the ceiling before dropping to the ground.

He recovers though still slightly shaken, “Don’t sneak up on me like that! Why didn’t you use the basement entrance?” He points up the stairs.

“I use the dumbwaiter, and the reason why I didn’t use the steps is the same reason we’re trying to fix, am I wrong?” Emphasizing my reason with a glare.

“...fair point. Now,” Dawkins holds down a trigger, the wire recoils into the device at an expedient pace before stopping with a sharp clink, “May I present the Dalmatian Optimizational Grasping tool, or D.O.G. for short.” He snickers at what he probably thinks is a clever acronym, “Capable of a max range of ten meters, this puppy is able to pull over thirty pounds of force...” I start tuning Dawkins’ explanation out, love the pup but I just don’t have the stomach to understand jargon, instead taking the time to look over the contraption itself.

A red oblong thing, its stock ending at the butt with a perpendicular cylinder, most likely holding the motor and wire coil, a pair of cranks sticking out from both faces for manual cranking. Its short barrel was crossed with foldable bicycle handlebars for two handed usage, giving the device the visage of a metallic crossbow. From the tip, an intricate piece of metal no doubt the hook of this grapple hook. And on the underside, a complicated series of machine shopped grips made to fit a single puppy’s paw. Dawkins sure out did himself with this one. I really should be listening to his lecture if I’m going to use this effectively. Wonder what he's saying now.

“...and that is how you manually retrieve the hook in case of emergencies. Any questions?” he finishes saying something important before waiting for a response.

All I could do to not look dumber was stare like a deer in headlights, which wasn’t much, “You didn’t hear a word I said, did you.”

I give a sheepish smile, “Sssssorrry, you lost me back at thirty pounds bit, after that I couldn’t follow.”

Dawkins huffs, but takes it in stride, “It’s alright, I really should have broken it down in laydog terms.”

“Maybe we can go over the controls again. You know. The important bits.”

He brightens, “Very well, here let me show you how it works first.”

I hand him what I am now christening the dog hook as we head to the middle of the dirt floor. Dawkins had already set up the lower floor into a grappling training ground, various handles already attached to the ceiling and pillars, one screwed horizontally per wooden face.

He fastens the device onto his foreleg, “Now I’m going to explain the single handed function first so listen carefully,” I nod, “Observe my paw position. I’ve designed the grip to be ambidextrous, which means it can be used with both paws.”

I frown in irritation, “I know what ambidextrous means. Wasn’t listening does not mean stupid.”

Dawkins rolls his eyes, “My apologies, but let me finish before you comment.” I motion zipping my lip. 

Satisfied, he clears his throat, “There will be a button located at each end of the grip, this...” he aims at a ceiling handle and presses the button, the hook launching forward. 

It hits the metal with a clack and latches on, staying connected when the cord goes loose, “will fire off the metal payload. Holding onto the button will keep the payload attached indefinitely until release”

Dawkins gives the cord several tugs, the hook not budging an inch from the tension.

“With the hook set in place, we will now use the recall system to draw in the cord. Squeeze your paw on the grip to activate the motor.” he grips his palm, applying slight pressure on the mechanism.

Dawkins slides forwards two feet as the dog hook pulls towards the mounted handle. 

“The amount of force you press will change how fast the cord recoils. To release, simply release the button and the hook will drop.” he lets go of the button, a loud cachunk rings and the cord falls to the ground, landing in a splash of dirt.

Clamping down fully with his paw, the wire zips back into the contraption like a frenzied snake.

“So remember, aim, hold, clamp, then release. Give it a go,” He offers me the dog hook, “Preferably at a slower pace.”

I slowly take the dog hook, the crimson metal cold against my fur. This was it. Grappling action, in the palm of my hand! Quickly I strap on the velcro, flexing my paw to get a feel of the mechanical grip. Taking aim at a random handle to my left, my pointer thumb presses and the hook goes flying, the shot knocking me back. Almost squeal with glee when the hook sticks and the cord goes taut, ready to pull.

“Now remember, take it easy. You don’t want to pull too hard.” Dawkins warns.

I flash him an ecstatic grin, “Don’t worry, I got this!” I said while pulling the grip.

I had in fact not gotten this. In my careless glee, my paw used all the force it had to clutch the mechanism, meaning the motor ran at max power. Takes me all of two seconds before I’m yanked away, careening towards my doom at the metal handle that was my target. Panicking, my paw lets go of both triggers, releasing the hook from the handle but doing little to slow my horizontal velocity. Well at least I won’t be decapitated by the ceiling handle, now I’m just going to be a perpendicular pancake, oh hey look wood-OW! 

My head reels in pain as I’m currently imprinted into the basement wall. Dawkins later informs me that I had made an impressive body plant indentation, and he’s seen a lot of Dylan’s collision courses.

“I did try to warn you, the motor is quite powerful.”

“Alright alright, you’ve made your point” I muffled, my face currently smothered against old lumber.

“...”

“Would you like to try again?”

It took several seconds before I responded, “Yes please.”

=+=

After that fiasco, my attempts were more amicable, having cooled down with my ego recuperating from bruises. Nothing as spectacular, I was able to get off the ground although with less timber chips in the skull and more dirt up my nose. I sneezed. A lot. But I was learning. More importantly, I was learning how to use a grappling hook! I’d be lying if I said the suffering wasn’t worth the effort. Even now I was extremely thrilled, I was making progress.

“So I assume these two cranks are used to manually recoil the cord?” I ask.

“Why yes indeed! It can even let out slack should you ever need a secondary rope. I suggest you use it whenever you can to conserve battery-”

“AHAAA!” a scream echoed. Crap! We’re busted! Hide the greens!

I drop mid swing with a painful thud, sitting up immediately. Up at the top of the basement stairs was Dolly with an accusatory stare. This’ll be trouble no matter how it ends.

Dawkins does his best to look innocent while I hide the dog hook behind me, “Dolly! Fancy seeing you here! I...we thought you were looking after the pups.” He says while I nod vigorously in agreement.

Dolly waves a paw, “Oh I just fobbed it off on Dylan a while ago. Dizzy and Dee Dee let me know about your little meetup. Speaking of which…” She jumps onto the railing, sliding all the way down before leaping off and landing right up to Dawkins, pressing her nose up to his.

“I knew you guys were up to something!” She grins, eager to meddle into our business, “Alright, spill! What are these human handles for and why’ve you got them all over the house!”

We both stammer out incoherent responses before exclaiming at the same time.

“Interior decorating!” “Jungle Gym!”

Smooth. 

She lifts an eyebrow with a smirk, clearly not buying it.

I was the first to recover, “Weee aaaree decorating the interior with a jungle gym!”

“Yes! Just testing the installation down here first,” Dawkins adds.

Dolly’s eyes shift between us, our collective grins straining our jaws, “Oh, okay then. Then you wouldn’t mind if I…” She leaps over our heads, snatching the dog hook right out of my paws, “Check this out then!”

Alarmed, I desperately grabbed for the dog hook, “Give that back!”

“Dolly, be careful with that!” Dawkins tries to warn.

“What is this thing anyways? Oooo, what's this button do?” she says hold the grip.

The hook flies across the room, bouncing off the far wall. Dolly shines with delight, “Is that...? Have you guys been making a grappling hook!”

“Yes, and I want it back! It’s mine!” I jump for the hook only for Dolly to swerve it out of my reach, leaving me to fall back onto my face.

She snickers, “Nuh uuuuuuh, doesn’t have your name on it!” I inhale sharply, but quickly recover.

“Yeah well I need it!”

“For what?”

“Th-the stairs! It’s too difficult for me to go up them all the time.”

Dolly pauses, “Why don’t you just use the dumbwaiter if it’s that hard?”

“I… well… just…” my defense falters as she had just pointed out the very same question I had pondered when I got down into the basement.

“Look, don’t worry,” she pats my head, “I promise to give it back, just let me have a turn.”

“But..”

“Also, I miiiiiight have promise Dizzy and Dee Dee they can be part of whatever’s happening here.”

“You WHA-”

“Come on, pleeeeeease? You already had it for hours. We want a try too.”

Dolly continues pleading as she gives me an adorable puppy eyed gleam, “Please please please please pleeeeeease?”

“Fine,” I caved, my bravado completely shattered. How can you say no to that face? “You can have a try.”

“WAAHOO!” She exclaimed as she strapped her arm into the dog hook.

“At least let Dawkins show you the controls-”

“Press to fire, grip to pull. I got it!” Dolly asserted promptly before zipping off swinging.

I sigh, all the excitement draining from my body, turning to the dumbwaiter for an exit. Nothing to do here now all the fun’s been hogged. Dawkins seems to want to say something before I leave.

“You know I can tell her to give it back.” he tries to consoles.

“No, it's fine. Just… make sure she doesn’t get into too much trouble.” I reaffirmed as I head off. 

Chapter Text

Now outdoors, my emotionally fatigued body was resting against the wall of the house, surveying the entire yard and everyone in it. Dylan was watching the other pups in Dolly’s absence. Well rather he was interrogating each and every one of his brothers and sisters, asking for clues or seeing if anyone had heard signs of a "human" anywhere in the house. Even came up to me for questioning, although turned up nothing but vague answers. Wouldn’t have wanted to let him know about my morning routine yet cause if I did then I’d have to let him know about Dawkins’s secret project. I’m not a rat. Although his eyes were kind of reddish when I looked closely.

So here I lay, observing the area, getting a lay of the land. All the pups at play with Dylan and his nerves on duty. All of them, highly spirited in some form. 

So why was I so down?

Dolly was right. If I needed help getting up and down the stairs, the dumbwaiter was the more economical option. Practically no one used it daily so I’d have free rein of the elevator. A grapple hook is entirely unnecessary, but is that what's bothering me?. Maybe it was the fact…it was something I wanted.

When I was younger, there was one Christmas that I had not gotten all that I wanted in my letter to Santa. Asking my parents, they said it was far too expensive to get everything so I had to pick the one I really wanted. Since then what I wanted always grew less and less the older I got. I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be needy. I didn’t want to disappoint or be disappointed. Soon I just didn’t want anything at all. Just another dull adult who just survived rather than lived.

Here, being a pup started out no different, I didn't want the family to figure out I wasn’t one of them. I did hard chores in a more tedious way just so I didn’t trouble anyone. I didn’t tell anyone about the special project because it was better to be quiet and I wanted a god damn grapple hook. Old habits die hard I guess. But now, I actually wanted something. An impossible thing! I asked and wished and received and it was in my grasp!

And then it got taken. I’m sure Dolly would have given it back. She’s not a dog who goes back on her word after all. But then Dizzy and Dee Dee would get a turn, which means everyone else will see them with it then they’ll want to try and I’d never get it ever again. Worse still, Dylan could confiscate the dog hook deeming it too dangerous for puppy use. Then Dolly would retort, Dylan would get the parents involved, they’d ask questions, and then no one would be happy…Maybe I’m overthinking this.

I get up and have a stroll, perhaps a little walk would take my mind off my problems. The others are certainly getting exercise, a trio of pups with golden numbered chains were chasing each other’s tails, ten or so jumping on a scuffed up trampoline. Must have pulled it out of the wall already. And on the far wall was a single pup with colored spots painting the layered brick surface, a pink handkerchief adorned as her collar.

Slowly I approached Da Vinci who, well engaged in her work, didn’t notice the lone puppy was behind her as she swiped away at the wall. Takes a while before she stops to realize she has an audience of one.

She turns around, “Do... you need something?”

“Oh no no! I was just watching,” my paws wave in protest, “Sorry, probably should have asked but I didn’t want to interrupt. I... apologize.”

“...It’s alright, I don’t mind.” Da Vinci responds before returning to her mural.

Minutes go by, the artisan continues to paint as I had observed her work quietly. Several moments pass before I clear my throat to try to start a conversation, “So uh, whatcha drawing there?”

I wince internally. That might be stepping in the thorn bush, good sir. Not everyone likes talking about their unfinished work in progress. I really need to learn how to pleasantry in the near future, just so these starting conversations can be less painful.

Da Vinci on the other hand takes the ice beaker in stride, “You know, I have no idea,” She taps her chin with her painted paw, dying the fur a vibrant shade of violet, “Just working out a feeling really.”

Chewed on my thoughts before answering, “...any idea of what you want it to be?”

“Well, the thing about art is that it’s not about the final piece, not really. Take this one for example,” she gestures at her current work, “I’ve been working on this one since this morning after a bout of inspiration. Wasn’t satisfied with how it was going so I’ll keep at it until I am.”

“You really like painting a lot, huh.”

Da Vinci smiles, “Yep!”

A torrent of water splashes against the brick wall, showering over us in a fine mist. One of the pups had turned on the tap and is currently riding the hose like a cowboy.

I hollered at the offender, “Guys, watch where you spray that thing!” Several passing apologies answered back. Looking back to the wall, my heart sank. The meticulous composition was utterly ruined, paint smearing together in an incoherent mess. Hours of work probably mucked up in a mere second.

I turned to Da Vinci who hadn’t moved an inch, “Oh I’m so sorry! All that hard work…” Consoling was not my strong suit but trying my best here.

Rather than upset, the art dog herself was excited, jittering in place, “No no, this is perfect! It’s given me a new idea! So wet and flowing, a new vision!” Immediately she starts working the watered down paint, working towards a new art piece. She seems so happy just swiping paint on that wall, even after her previous portrait got spoiled like that. Could I…?

“Hey, Da Vinci?”

She responds without pause, “Yes?”

“...Can I try?”

With a short gasp she finally stops, suddenly turning to me. If her smile was wide from her bout of inspiration, it was practically beaming now, “Of course you can!” Her nose pressed up against mine, close enough that I could taste the paint from her fur through osmosis, “Everyone gets so bored whenever I get them to try. I’d be so nice to finally have someone to paint with!” 

Guess I underestimated how much she wanted to share her hobby, “Over here!” She says, gesturing to an open space on the wall. I walk over as Da Vinci smiles, wagging her tail from her new painting companion, “What colors would you like?” She asked.

“You got blue or black?”

“I’ve got both!” She pulls out two paint cans, popping their lids off and putting them off to the side, “Go ahead!”

Da Vinci dips both her paws into the paint, one in each color before continuing her own art piece. I proceeded to do the same before stopping due to the fact I wouldn’t be using brushes. Not wanting to be ungrateful, I slowly dip my paws into the dye.

Imagine you had painstakingly glued hair all over your hands leaving only your palms and fingertips exposed. Now imagine dunking them in thick varnish, the fluid sticking to the strands and matting the appendage. Your fists are now heavy with the excess liquid weight they carry. Yeah this feels NOTHING like that. I pull my paws out of the paint, trying not to think about the soaking feel and start on my own section of the wall. We go on for a while, Da Vinci with her wild, broad paw strokes and me just painting a square.

Da Vinci speaks up, “So what’s wrong?”

Blindsided enough to slip, a black streak going down to the wall’s base marking my mistake, “Uuuuuuh, what do you mean?”

She smirks, “I can tell a lot from the pups' expressions when something is bothering them, and you have a lot of facial expressions right now.”

“Is it that obvious?” Am I really that easy to read?

“Quite so.” oh.

I scratch the back of my head, paint dripping onto my neck fur, “Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind. Was trying to get off it while I’m out here. Fresh air and what not.”

“Does it have something to do with those handles that keep popping up around the house?” A coughing fit overtakes my throat. These pups and being on point, yeesh!

“You noticed, huh.” I grumble.

“Hard not to really, I think the only one who hadn't is Dylan,” Da Vinci turns to look at her older brother in the distance, “Sort of concerning how he’s so anxious about it.”

“Yeah I mean I had to do the vacuuming because he was off doing… whatever he was doing.”

“That was you? I thought Dylan was just being thorough today.”

“Oh yeah, had to be super Dylan-gent just to get the floor cleared.”

Da Vinci takes a while to notice before breaking out in a fever of giggles, “You. Are. Terrible. Don’t let Dylan hear that pun! He’ll make that his catchphrase.”

“He would, wouldn't he.” I snickered, “Well, Dolly told me not to worry, said something like it’s happened before,” My ears fell flat, “Speaking of Dolly, she’s kind of the reason I’m having a problem.”

“Oh dear, what happened?”

“It’s not her fault and all, but she sort of unknowingly kicked me out. On this project I was working on.” I swipe angrily at the wall before replenishing the paint on my paw, “I don’t blame her, I’m just…really frustrated.”

Da Vinci nods knowingly, “Yeah, Dolly can be abrasive even at the best of times, she means well though.”

“I know I know, it’s just that if news gets out, it could get called off. All the hard work I did would go up in smoke.”

We kept painting in silence before she spoke again.

“Did you let her know?”

“What?”

“Let Dolly know how important this is to you. She’s brash but once you let her know, she’ll understand.”

“...Think so?”

“You know how she can get. It always works out in the end once you’ve talked some sense into her head.”

I wipe my paws on my legs, “Yeah...  I’ll let her know. Thanks for the talk.”

Da Vinci turns to me, raising her forelegs wide, “Do you want one?” 

I looked at her, not quite understanding what she was talking about. It takes me a moment to realize what she was offering. And stuttering at the fact.

“You still looked like you could use one. I can’t say it out loud or else everyone would be on us in seconds. So?” she wiggles her paws, still open for a hug.

I hesitate. But only for a moment.

“Sure, why not.”

I put my paws around her, Da Vinci reciprocated in kind. We both embraced firmly, the mutual pressure was welcoming.

You know this was nice.

Would have been nicer without the wet feeling trickling down my back.

“Da Vinci, are you using my fur as a washcloth?” I monotonously ask.

For her effort, she did try to hide her chuckles, “Sorry, force of habit.”

“Please tell me this washes off.”

“Oh don’t worry, it’s puppy safe! I’m usually covered because I’m swimming in the stuff. And I like to paint my spots.” She giggled.

We break the hug, now satisfied I wasn’t as frustrated as before. Da Vinci turns and gasps at the wall, “Oh wow, look at that! It’s so beautiful!” Wait, what is she talking about? My chicken scratch?

I turn to my idling doodle expecting something incoherent, only to jump in complete surprise at the newly painted mural.

What should have been random paw strokes, became a spiraling circle of darkening shades of blue, having mixed in several places with the black. The dark clashing hues depict a dimly lit hallway leading to some swirling mass of blue, a large sphere of energy twisting towards its center as it consumes the surrounding space. Located directly above the blue ring, a strange symbol painted slightly askewed. A blue diamond with a spiralling square within, the very same sigil adorning my collar. The whole composition screamed an ominous entrance to god knows what and doesn’t wish to answer.

What the ever living crap did I just draw!

Da Vinci comes closer beside me, admiring my work, “What is it?” She asks, the stirring twinkle in her eye still present.

My mouth gaps at the piece, trying to find purchase yet coming up shortchanged, “I… don’t know. Honestly, I wish I had a better answer, but right now? I got nothing.” Something about that painting feels... off but I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like I know it from somewhere but I have absolutely no memory of ever seeing something like it.

Shaking the haunting thoughts out of my head, I turn back to Da Vinci, “Thanks again for letting me vent. It's helped a lot to clear up my mind,” I head back towards the house, “I’m going to see if I can talk to Dolly and sort this buzz out!”

“Bye! I’ll try to save your masterpiece for you!” Da Vinci waves.

 I head off to confront Dolly, trying to put the painting behind me as the more time it occupies my thoughts, the longer it festers. Better to handle the task at hand rather than one I can’t.

Cause if there’s one thing I don’t need right now is unanswerable questions.

=+=

“What happened?”

I had returned to the basement expecting to find Dolly swinging freely across the ceiling. Instead the tomboy was currently upside down strapped to a pillar, the dog hook cord wrapped tightly around the wooden structure. Dawkins was doing his best to free his sister, pulling at the taut wire with zero success.

“Well, as you can see,” He puts his back into a tug, getting nowhere with the haul, “Dolly here used the grasping tool a bit too excessively.”

“You gotta get me down from here!” The bound pup whined.

“The hooking mechanism must be jammed and the pulley system is on the fritz. I thought I could remove the tool if she let go but the cord has her paw pinned,” Another yank and Dawkins falls backwards, “If we can't get the hook loose, I’ll be forced to cut the wire.”

Mulling over what he said, “How long would it take to cut the wire?”

Dawkins counts his toes, “Well by my calculations, it might take a significant amount of time. The cord was reinforced to compensate for a larger weight limit.”

Inhaling sharply, “And how long would it take to fix the wire if we cut it.”

“If we cut the wire, I’d have to replace the entire coil.” he states, downtrodden by the implied setback.

From what Dawkins tells me; if the cord is cut, we could lose days, even weeks of progress. I chew my lip. Don’t think we can afford the time. Looking over Dolly, she was tied down quite thoroughly. All her limbs were splayed apart, held against the pole by the bound cable, the paw grasping the dog hook thoroughly constrained. The faulty device clicked every so often as the motor tried and failed to pull the hook back. A thought occurred to me.

“Hang on, let me try something,” I asked Dawkins, “I think I got an idea.”

“Tell me you know how to fix this.” Dolly chimed in.

I step up to the rope, “I make no promises.”

Looking at the dog hook, the contraption sure was strapped in real good. The paw strap had been released but the device didn’t budge, even when I tried to pull it loose. Dolly’s paw letting go of the pull mechanism did little to let the hook drop. I needed to give it slack somehow. Hmmm…

Spying the manual cranks, maybe I can forcefully ease the cable. They don’t turn easily but if I give it some pressure… slowly… and...

The shaft gives, letting more of the line out than intended. Dolly falls to the ground in a bundle of cords, groaning with rope sores. Several lines draped over her muzzle when she got up.

“Thanks bro,” She rubs her sore shoulder, “Turns out grapple hooking is a lot harder than it looks.”

“Sure is.” I responded curtly.

“Yeah, I think I might sit it out for a while.”

My snout scrunches up, “Probably should.”

“Okay, who marked their territory in your kibble! You were not this mad earlier!” she glared.

I stare back, pausing in return before taking a deep breath. I was annoyed, though not entirely at her. Better to let it out than bottle it up inside.

“Yeah I’m angry. I’m angry that I’m trying so hard to learn how to use this,” I hold up the dog hook in emphasis, “And then someone comes in and asks ‘may I have a turn’ while I still haven’t fully been trained yet!”

“Hey! It isn’t yours you know.” She retorted.

Dawkins cuts in, “Actually I was going to offer the D.O.G. tool to him after we had finished testing. He did ask for it after all.”

I continued my triad undeterred, “Then after not listening to my warning, you got yourself into a problematic situation that almost cost us days in potential repairs!” Dolly winces at that.

“W-well it’s not a big deal. It could have been fixed.” she tried to rebut weakly.

“And you did all this after promising someone else not even involved, disregarding our say in the matter.”

Dolly’s eyes water, “I mean I couldn’t say no to them, they asked.” Dawkins now looks worryingly between the both of us.

“This device is very difficult to wield; you should know how dangerous it can be by now having been on the receiving end, how do you think Dizzy or Dee Dee would fair? Even worse, what if the other pups learn about what we’re doing down here. Do we promise them a chance too? Then Dylan would get involved and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. ” 

I’m panting after giving Dolly the lecture, not used to preaching so much. Dolly was keeping her head down now sullen from the dress down by a puppy half her size. We stand there for a moment as tension thickens with my own respiration echoing out into the basement. Dolly finally broke the silence, responding under her breath.

“Could have done without the sermon. Don’t need another dog biting my tail off.”

Sighing, I smack my head against the pillar in pensive contemplation, an audible knock rang from the impact that startled both puppies, “And I did not want to give one, Dylan does a fine job already,” Dolly dryly snorts that cuts off immediately, “ I just really needed to get this off my back, it’s been eating away at my mind earlier.”

The two other pups look at each other, concern washed over their faces for their distressed "brother". I, on the other hand, just keep banging the hard surface.

Dolly was the first to speak up, “I didn’t know it meant that much to you.”

“Somewhat does but I’m just really worried. You know Dylan. If he found out about this, you’d think he’d let us keep working on a grappling hook? Especially how he is right now?”

Dolly groans, “Yeah you’re probably right. He’d confiscate it for sure.” Dawkins nods in agreement.

I remove my head from the pillar, “We need to keep this secret until we can show the all clear for general use. Until then, it’s hush hush.”

Dolly salutes, “Yes sir, Commander Covert!” She snickers, “Seriously though, I really wish I had more time. At least you got several hours playing with it, I got tied up for half an hour.”

I snorted, “You kidding!?!? I got several hours worth of dirt up my nose,” Blowing my nose to prove my point, a stream of brown dust alarmingly sprays out. Dolly stifles a chuckle, “In fact look up there!” I motion up to the far basement wall I had earlier collided with. 

“What’s that?” Dolly asks while fighting back a giggle.

“That,” I pointed, “Is what happens if you pull too hard on the grip. First thing I did was sling myself across the room. Face planted so hard I left an indent. Heck you can even see my outline from where I landed!” With that the humor dam broke, Dolly’s now rolling on the floor laughing. Good that all the bad will between us has passed. I smiled. Dolly gets up from her amusement only for her smile to waiver.

“Oh, what am I going to tell Dizzy and Dee Dee? I promised them they could try but I can’t let them do something so risky.” Dolly’s slumped, perplexed at the dilemma.

Looking down at the dog hook, it’s red luster hadn’t lost its sheen even after all that had happened. I slip my paw in and grip firmly. The cable whirs to life as it slithers back into the coil, coming to a stop with a clink as the hook sets in place. Looks like the motor was just jammed.

You know, I was kind of hogging the dog hook. Sure I asked for it, sure I needed to get familiar with how it works, but then what? Would I keep it secret from everyone else? Be Dipper the bat dog, mysterious canine detective? I couldn’t even keep it from Dolly, everyone would know about it eventually, even Dylan. That was never the reason for privacy. We had to make sure it was safe. For that we needed more testing.

Maybe I can make a compromise.

“Hey Dawkins, can you add a handle on the top of the dog hook?” I tap against the flat part of the metal.

Dawkins pulls out a spare, “I can... Dog hook?”

“I’m not calling it by the full abbreviation.” 

I turn to the other pup, “Dolly, go get Dizzy and Dee Dee.” Her ears shot up, “We’ll be needing their help in testing other features of the grapple hook.”

Dolly does a backflip at my insinuation, “WAAHOOO, yes yes yes! Don’t worry they’ll be on their best behavior!” She rushes up the basement stairs.

“Remember, they’ll be helping on OUR terms!”

She rolled her eyes, “They will!”

=+=

“Oooo!” Dizzy cheered in awe.

“Shiny!” Dee Dee followed suit.

I was currently showing the duo the dog hook, “Yup! This here is what me and Dawkins have been working on. He calls it the Dalmatian Optimal something something…”

“Dalmatian Optimizational Grasping tool.” Dawkins points out.

“I’m calling it the dog hook cause that’s too long.” Dizzy and Dee Dee giggle at our antics.

“Can we try, can we can we can we?”

“Pleeeeeease?”

The two pups beg, flashing their biggest smiles blinking with puppy eyes. Oh these two, how can anyone say no to those faces?

“Eeeeeeeeeh, no.” That's how.

“Awwww.” “Awwww.” The two give their disappointment in stereo.

Dolly cuts in, “Girls, I’m sorry but we can’t let you use the dog hook, I gave it a try and got bound to a pillar. It’s far too dangerous for anyone else to try.” This only makes the younger pups sadder.

“You got a turn?!?”

“No fair Dolly! We want a turn too!”

“Now now, we didn’t call you down here to rub it in your face,” I interrupt, “We did need help testing other parts of the dog hook we can’t do alone.” Dizzy and Dee Dee light up, tails wagging with excitement.

“You really mean it!”

“Yaaaaay!”

The two younger pups are on me within the second, hugging the ever living daylights out of my lungs. Each small pup on either side, rubbing their fuzzy little cheeks into mine with glee. So adorable, so painful, such is the way of puppy hugs. Takes a considerable effort to peel them off without seeming too selfish.

“Ok ok, that’s enough,” my chuckles fades, “Dawkins, you said the weight limit was about thirty pounds or so?”

The canine mechanist nods, “If my calculations are correct, it should be.”

“Alrighty then!” I continue, “So for this test we will see how the dog hook can handle multiple pups at once. I’m thinking, oh I don’t know, maybe… three puppies this time!” Turning a knob, the handlebars of the dog hook unfold, locking in place, “So who wants to go first!”

Dizzy and Dee Dee jump in place with their paws raised, chanting at the same time.

 “Ooh! Me! Me! Me!” “Ooh! Me! Me! Me!”

I make a show of deciding who to pick before dramatically choosing the two pint sizes, both cheering with joy, “You girls grab the handlebar, ok?” The two follow my instructions, standing beside me with handle in paw, jittering with enthusiasm. I gave Dolly and Dawkins a paws up, signaling we were ready.

“Ready?” Dizzy and Dee Dee nod vigorously, “Good! On your mark… Aim… GO!” I fired

You’d think having an extra set of heft would cause major problems in the intricate art of grapple hooking, and you’d be right. Both pups were relatively the same weight which counterbalanced equally across the handlebar. This meant this round of swinging was not only more strenuous, but no less difficult. Luckily the second grip Dawkins installed gave additional stability, allowing the dog hook a second two handed, or rather two paw, setup. Combined with the little training I had, we were flying through the air with relative ease. Dizzy and Dee Dee were having a blast.

“Weeeehehehe!” “Woahohaha!” They joyously screamed at the same time.

“You girls alright over there!?”

“We’re okay!” “We’re okay!” Approving in stereo.

“Alright then hold on tight, we’re going in for the turn!”

I aim at the pillar’s handle, the cavalcade of we three pups pivot in a wide arc as momentum takes us around. This proved to break the camel’s back on the equilibrium as my paws started shaking. 

Time to stop now.

“I’m losing control! I’m gonna need you two to disembark NOW!” I yell out at the last minute as we barely catch the last ceiling handle due to the unstable grip. Dizzy and Dee Dee let go as we got to a low part of a swing, scooting to relative safety. I was unfortunately not as lucky, my body taking a familiar nosedive into the ground, making a small dirt mound at the tip of my muzzle. Ah pain, why are we so familiar nowadays?

“Is everyone alright?” my call was muffled with soil having landed face first.

“That was so much fun!”

“Can we go again, can we can we?

Good to see their spirits made it intact. Lifting myself up, I check on the dog hook. Motor hums smoothly as the cord retracts, all systems are fine, “Dog hook’s ok! We can do another run.” I pull myself out of the ground.

“YAY!” “YAY!” Dizzy and Dee Dee cheer as they’re immediately at the handles. 

Another weight presses on my back, “I’m coming too!” A voice cried out right behind my ears.

Ho boy.

“Dolly!?!?” The pup had snuck up on me, her paws clamoring over my head to take hold of both handlebars by the metal lengths. Looks like she wants to join this pupper train.

“Come on! You guys are having so much fun. I wanna swing too!” She pleaded.

I look to Dawkins, hoping he could say something to persuade what would otherwise be a disastrous decision. Dawkins on the other hand, only shrugs, “Well we do need to test the weight limit. One more puppy should still fall under the estimated cap.” Et tu, dog!

I groan loudly, “Ok we’re doing this!” Collective cheers all around as I prepare for trouble. Firing again and pulling, the hook promptly goes bonkers. Everyone is shaken off while my body spirals out of control, all of us landing in various states of bewilderment. Rather than whining though, we all start laughing together.

Today was a good day.

Chapter Text

Dylan is going insane but we might be getting ahead of ourselves.

So by the end of the day, we had finished testing the dog hook and trained grapple hooking with a minimum three puppy load. Dawkins and I let Dolly know she could use the dog hook as long as she also practiced under our instructions. She was less enthusiastic to use the dog hook afterwards. Funny what happens when you turn play into work; it just becomes work. We then convinced Dizzy and Dee Dee to keep the dog hook on the down low, at least until preparations were made to show the rest of the pups, especially Dylan. For a couple of tattletales, those two can be convinced to keep a secret when you let them in on said secret.

Speaking of Dylan.

“HUMON!?!?!” Dylan screamed incoherently.

His outburst caused several pups to look concerned for their brother, eyes are definitely bloodshot now, serious dark rings nestled under them. 

It’s been three days since Dolly, Dizzy, and Dee Dee discovered our project but Dylan had been tearing up and down the house, looking for any traces a human could have been, hidden or otherwise. He’s even taken to patrolling the halls at night, which made my early morning activities super exciting. The tenacious dog must have been out of it cause there were so many times I hid and his head was INCHES away. Alien xenomorph vibes in the morning, better than any cup of coffee in the world, which is good since I can’t have any being a dog and all. Unfortunately our close encounters probably weren’t doing his paranoia any favors.

I was on vacuum duty again while Dolly was puppy watching when Dylan came in like a bigfoot hunter on his fifth cup of the day. Cups the size of buckets.

“Nope. No humans in here~!” Dolly answered nervously.

The bedraggled pup whips his head in response, “Humon???”

“Positive, bro!”

Dylan’s vein riddled eyes narrowed, “Humon…” His head retreats slowly back into the halls. We wait several seconds as his paw steps echo his departure.

Dolly calls me and Dawkins to the couch. And she's making a serious face, not good, “This has got to stop.”

“I concur, Dylan has completely lost his senses. I don’t think he’s said anything other than ‘Humon’ for the past twenty four hours! That’s not even how it’s pronounced!” Dawkins added skittishly.

The tomboy on the other hand sounded annoyed, “Yeah, and ever since the Detective Dog Wonder over there’s been on the hunt, we’ve been stuck doing all the chores!” She grumbled.

Priorities on this one.

I interjected, “So what do we do? Should I tell him?”

“Tell Dylan what?” Dawkins asks.

Before I answered, Dolly interrupted, “Oh only that this night owl here had been waking up in the middle of the night for water while also doing breakfast and the dishes for the past week. That’s what’s got Dylan spooked. Also he thinks a human put all those handles around the house.”

“Oh,” He turned to me, “Wait, that was you? I thought Dylan was early.”

I glared at Dolly, “Yes and I remember you telling me not to tell him. Something like I shouldn’t worry about it?”

“Yeah well I didn’t think he’d go off the deep end like this!” She exclaimed. Understatement of the year folks.

“So? Why don’t we just tell him? It’s not like you were trying to hide it from him before.” Dawkins raises the good points.

Dolly shrugs, “Sure why not? DYLAN!” She yells.

“HUMON!?!?!” Dylan yells back right behind Dolly, scaring the living daylights out of us. His eyes blink nonparallel while staring past us.

“Hiiiiiiii, Dylan!” Dolly gives a nervous smile. Dylan answered in jumbled mumbles.

No one dares to say anything, only smiling restlessly before I cough to speak up, “There’s something I need to tell you about those night time... noises.”

His pupils become pinpricks before he’s up in my face, paws on both sides of my head in a vice grip, “HAVE YOU SEEN THEM! THE HUMON!”

“No, Dylan No! There’s no human. It was me-”

“Don’t be daft! What kind of dog uses cups!”

“This dog-"

“No! You’ve obviously been blindsided by the HUMON! They’ve even given you bruises!” Three days worth of grapple hook testing really adds up.

“That not from-”

“Don’t worry brother! I’ll make this HUMON pay! They will RUE the day they messed with the wrong family! They will RUE!” Dylan emphasizes his last words before speeding off, taking a rubber chicken with him for reasons, to assumedly double check every floor in the house. Again. For the seventh time today.

Pausing to take in what just happened, Dolly spoke up, “Wait what does rue mean?”

“Regret.” Dawkins answers.

I rub my sore face, “Ok, Dylan isn’t listening, what now?” 

Dawkins starts ruminating, “Seems that Dylan won’t calm down until he’s dealt with a human, one way or another.”

Dolly’s face brightens, having gotten an idea, “I got it! If Dylan needs to deal with a human, we can make a human!” A really terrible idea.

“Dolly, that’s a really terrible idea.” It really is.

“But it’s the only one we have right now. If you have a better idea, I’m open to the prospect.” Dawkins countered.

This is going to suck, “FFFFFFFFFFFine. How we going to do this?”

“Well, last time we tried making a human, we were sort of in a time crunch,” Dolly explained, “But this time we’ll get it right! Dawkins, can you make one? Hopefully better than before?”

Dawkins nods, “I can recreate a skeletal framework required to mimic a humanoid biped. There’s just one problem.” and there’s the caveat.

“What is it?” I prepare for the headache ahead. Ready the face paw.

“If this false human is going to be disposed of afterwards, we can’t get the other pups involved. They could get hurt,” Ok fair, “I can make an alternative remote control system to move the frame,” Good good, “But we need the skeleton to move and act not just like a human but a malicious one at that,” I see, “Dylan wouldn’t believe it’s real if we use a recording so someone would have to act the part,” Wait, “And that someone would have to be small enough to fit inside the frame for it to work.” Oh no.

Both pups turn to me in anticipation. And paw has been faced. I sigh.

“You can’t make the audio remote too?”

Dawkins shakes his head, “Only audio equipment we have is wired. We wouldn’t be able to connect it from afar even if we wanted.”

“And we’re kinda on a budget, cause Triple D are too exhausted to do another gig. Too much ‘CrossFit’, go figure.” Dolly smiled. I frowned.

“So why me? Couldn’t Dolly do it?” Didn’t want to throw her under the bus but this sounds like it’ll end in pain.

To my surprise, Dawkins answers, “We need the skeleton to be as fast as possible so Dylan doesn’t catch up to it and figure out it’s not real. Two pups would slow it down too much so I’ll follow along and control it from afar,” He points towards the dumbwaiter, “Dolly can’t be inside the frame.”

Dolly took offence to that, “Wait… are you calling me fat?!?!”

Dawkins tugs his collar, a bead of sweat flowing down his fur, “What I am saying is that someone needs to keep the pups away so we don’t get interrupted.”

“Oh.” Dolly calmed down after that.

“Fantastic, great,” I threw my paws up in indignation, “Yeah, just… let me know when you guys are ready so we can get this over with. Oh and Dawkins,” turning to address the dog, “I’m going to take the dog hook with me when we do this, for insurance.”

“Very well, I’ll make the adjustments.”

Dolly pulls her paws around our shoulders, “Alright, break team!”

The two head off into the house to prepare their parts for the big human caper. The things we do for our family. Well, adoptive family for some. I look at the stairs where Dylan had left, anxious feeling creeping up my spine. At least they’re worth it.

=+=

Well it was worth something.

“I feel ridiculous.”

Can’t really pin the value right now though.

“Well the frame was haphazardly put together, I’ll admit,” Dawkins stated. Said frame was a bare boned scarecrow made of metal pipes and rickety joints, a dummy head stood blank faced on its shoulders. It’s boney arms were wired with a string through the appendage back to me for the flimsies controls a moving mannequin could have. At the skeleton’s “feet” a RC car fixed with the base to stay balanced. A platform of one bent pipe was the only keeping me up inside this dilapidated death trap, a mic and speaker cone jerry rigged at the base of the neck. All of this was simply disguised with a large brown trench coat and wide brimmed hat. Flawless.

Dolly’s giggle grows into full out laughter, “It’s certainly better than the last human we made!”

“Weren’t you supposed to be taking care of the pups?” Dawkins asks.

“I did! Everyone’s outside.”

“So who’s watching them?”

“Dante!”

“The end is NIGH!!!!!”

Ninety five pups were sitting down, ears drooped as they were a hostage audience to their older, edgier brother.

“The harbinger will be upon us! Invading our home! He will spell our DOOM!”

Ninety five whimpers cry out throughout 101 Dalmatian street.

Dawkins sighs, “Well that's another hour of bedtime stories for everyone,” he clears his throat, “Alright, here’s the plan. Dylan is currently on the roof, keeping watch for... human activity. Originally we were going to try to get his attention from down here in the attic. With Dolly here, we won’t have too. You,” poking a paw into Dolly’s chest, “Will let Dylan know there’s a ‘human’ down here.”

Dolly groans. "Uuuuuugh, fine."

Dawkins holds up a controller, “I will be in the dumbwaiter controlling the car from a distance. I’ve memorized the floor plan for the optimal route to the front door,” he turns to me, “You will try to keep his attention, so act menacingly. Use this,” he hands me an ear piece, “To let me know if Dylan gets too close. We want him to keep up but not to catch the frame, not until you get to the front door. Once Dylan sees the human leave, he should return to normal having removed the intruder from the premise. Any questions?”

“Couldn’t you hook this thing up to the audio cone instead of the mic?” I hold up the communication device. Trying to NOT be inside the ram-shackled contraption would be a plus.

He shakes his head, “There would have been an audio feedback between the devices.” Dang it.

I slump down from my position inside the mannequin, “Have I told you I hate this plan yet?”

“It has been noted.”

“Don’t worry~! You’ll be fine,” Dolly tries to reassure, “We’ll get Dylan feeling like his old dorky self in no time.”

“Alright, places everyone!” He claps his paws, “Dolly, go ahead and call Dylan.” Dawkins heads off into another room while Dolly walks up the rooftop ladder.

I grumble to myself. This had better work.

Ten seconds pass.

Then twenty.

Several minutes go by.

What’s taking Dolly so long to tell Dylan?

The intercom buzzed, Dawkins called out from the other end, “- Is everything alright? Any sign of Dylan? -”

I press the earpiece in response, mimicking a radio officer’s voice, “Negative, control. No signs of Dylan, I repeat, No signs at all.” Might as well have fun with this right?

“- Odd -” If he’s affected by my impression, he doesn’t say. Boooo, spoilsport, “- What’s taking Dolly? She usually can get Dylan’s attention immediately! -”

“You know, I have no id-” A crash from above interrupts me. It’s followed by several more heading to the ladder entrance, “Sounds like he’s coming, get ready.” I responded quickly before getting into position with strings at paw.

A moment later, Dylan leaps out from the sky light, ignoring every step before landing gracefully on his stomach. Adorning his head was his Dog Star 3000 helmet, having protected his face during the fall. The rubber chicken he had taken earlier dropping on his back was just the cherry on top of this ridiculous display. Dolly showed up soon after, certainly with more caution than her sleep deprived brother. Her expression is a conflict between concern and laughter due to the current state of Dylan. Said state was to rapidly look in all directions before noticing the wobbling coat rack in the middle of the hall.

"You." was all he said.

Alright, game time.

Holding down the mic, I began my speech, “Yes it is I, Human McHumanface! Doer of dishes! And Makers of morning mealtimes! My motivations are wildly DUBIOUS and distrustful!” Shaking the arm around for good measure. Why yes I am a ham, thank you for noticing. I would like to be served with a side of mash potatoes and split peas, please!

Dolly had to shove both paws over her mouth to prevent the sound of her own amusement from making Dylan suspicious. Not that he would have noticed as right now the dog was staring vein splitting daggers straight in my direction, “YES! I’ve finally found you HUMON! I do not know what your game is but know that I DO NOT care! You will regret ever setting foot in this household or my name isn’t DYLAN DALMATIAN!” And I thought I was ham, this guy’s the whole pig! He then grabs the rubber chicken and breaks into a three legged sprint, hellbent on beating the human in front of him to death with floppy novelty.

Pressing hard on the radio, I whispered harshly, “GO NOW!”

The toy car whirs to life, making an immediate U-turn for the stairs. We barely dodge Dylan as he slams into the wall, recovering shortly before coming in hot on our trail down the steps.

Have you ever ridden down the stairs before as a child? Either with a blanket or without? While fun in theory, it was essentially a cavalcade of wooden surfaces ramming your tailbone until you hit the bottom. Well imagine it was a v-shaped metal rod going up your backside, also the rod was on a battery powered vehicle, then you’d probably be feeling like me right now. Painful story made simple, it was a bumpy ride. The frame shudders the moment we hit the first floor, promptly gaining traction as we make our way around the bend. Dylan is close by having landed face first into the hardwood floor. A nasty crack spits the visor of his helmet, masking an utter look of murderous intent.

The frame starts shaking more haphazardly, the rickety clatter of the joints more audible as the skeleton makes way through the hall.

That’s concerning.

I ping Dawkins, “Uh, so how long was this bucket of pipes supposed to last?”

“ -Kibbles! The rivets must have gotten loose from the last flight of stairs. Oh, if only we had more data. Hold on! We should be fine once we reach the main entrance!- ” Not a good sign.

“Well can we pick up the pace? Dylan’s kind of gaining on me!” A quick look through a hole in the coat revealed that the maniac pup was hauling fast for a four legged creature on three. You’d think he’d just grab it by the teeth like a normal dog. Then again maybe he wants better leverage, Dylan certainly has a mean swing with how fast that chicken was spinning. Also he wasn’t in a good place right now.

“ -We can’t go faster, the car’s going at max speed right now!- ” Things seem to be going from bad to worse.

“Well things are getting very DANGEROUS-” The mic light to the sound cone had been on sometime in the middle of our little exchange so I improvise, “I mean yes DANGEROUS. I am VERY DANGEROUS, especially for young pups! Who knows what would happen if I go unabated ” Going back to one note villain mode on a dime is very demanding.

Luckily, Dylan didn’t seem to catch my talk with Dawkins, only the wild and bombastic ramblings of the human ahead, “you will NOT SUCCEED, HUMON!” He pants extensively, “Whatever you’re planning, YOU WILL BE STOPPED!”

“Then someone had better stop me~” I taunt before shutting off the mic. Got bigger worries than being theatrical, like the fact that Dylan was almost upon me. Oh balls!

From the backyard, a mass of pups watch and listen in horror, having noticed the commotion coming from the upper floors, a shadowy figure flailing around from within the windows.

“It’s the harbinger! He’s already inside our very home! And with him, our DOOM!” Dante cried out.

Dozens of youthful screams howled out in fear, the pups running rampant in a panic.

“STOP!”

Every single pup halts their frenzy, all eyes to their current dog sitter.

“We must not allow another to invade our grounds and spread terror within our family! Brothers and sisters! I, Dante Dalmatian, vow that this intruder will not go unpunished! We must take back our home!”

Cheers call out one by one as each of the pups join the rally cry, forming en masse with Dante at it’s head.

“ONWARDS!”

From within the coat, I pull the right string, straightening the arm of the skeleton. Needed a clear shot for what was next. Taking aim, the dog hook discharged, hitting the pole of the banister. Good job past me, nice to see I still had some perceptive foresight, this work of technological genius is just a godsend. I clench the grip as the wire goes taut, the frame darts forward barely dodging Dylan, who had attempted to bite the tail of the coat, completely forgetting about his helmet. The frame and I swung around the railing, getting slingshot down the last set of stairs to the first floor. We crash down, the frame threatening to fall apart at any moment. Dolly was already at the front door having opened it prior to our ill-stated arrival. Come on, just several more feet. We get this junk heap out the door, it’s mission completed, we got this.

Something crashes bodily into the back of the mannequin, causing the entire body to collapse. Time seems to slow down to a crawl as steel pipes and shredded cloth fall around me. Dylan had scaled the entire first floor stairs in a mighty rage fueled lunge, barreling down like a canine shaped torpedo with the fury of an Astro-dog. Dolly’s smiling face had twisted into one of shock, having a front row seat to the destruction before her. The fake head was launched out the door into the streets having been struck by the spinning death that was the rubber chicken.

I snapped out of my own stupor, having noticed the one way ticket to death by broken neck courtesy of the hard ground. All the painful training down in the basement did wonders for my senses of being suspended mid air as in my panic, my paw aimed at the closest handle, a metal bar on the ceiling at the base of the stairs and fired the dog hook, catching myself before this pup became a red smear below an unmoving corpse. The wire contracts fully as the dog hook swings wildly from the impact, adrenaline refusing to release my paw off the grip having curled into a ball out of fearful instinct as I hung there like a living puppy ornament.

Slowly everything goes hush, only the sound of a dog tearing into fabric echoed in the open hallway. Did we do it? Is Dylan… I unravel myself, looking down from my vantage point. Dolly was sitting right next to the open front door, wide eyed with a stunned look aimed straight at Dylan who was currently ripping up the remains of the coat. Dawkins too was staring flabbergasted from inside the dumbwaiter having just arrived at the crash site, a controller at his feet.

I was the first to break the silence, “Did… did we do it?” Gently as I could, the manual crank turned to lower my swaying body down to the floor below.

Dawkins climbs out of the elevator, making his way past the stairs, “I... don’t know… he certainly seems calm, well calmer than before.”

“Hang on, let me check,” Dolly said before turning to Dylan, “Heeeeeey, bro! You okay there?” she asked as delicately as she could.

Dylan only growls through a torn coat piece he’s chewing.

She tries again, “So hooows the human hunt going?”

This time gets a response out of him, speaking between each bite, “Humon. Gone. For good.” 

Red flag?

Dolly sure didn’t think so, “Oooookay, I guess we’re done here! Come on Dylan, you can drop the coat now. Dylan?” He doesn’t answer, “Helloooo, earth to bark brain.” Tension was oddly high, the hallway eerily silent as Dylan had stopped wrecking the cloth remains. I take the opportunity to release the hook, the metal echoing loudly on contact with the barrel.

This gets his attention.

Dylan rises up with rubber chicken in paw; chillingly he turns around as I get a clearer picture as to why he was able to bite the fabric with constrictive headgear. The Dog Star helmet was completely ruined. The large crack had grown into full blown out broken plastic, several pieces scattered with the ruined remains of the mannequin. Through the fractured porthole, Dylan and all his insane, obsessive, neurotic vigor was funneled into a look of pure disdain, drilling straight at a tiny little pup under the name of Dipper.

“Spawn of the HUMON!” His war cry promised fate worse than death.

Never in my life have I been so terrified by someone holding a chew toy.

Immediately I fire up the dog hook, grabbing a first floor handle to get away as Dylan breaks into a dead run behind me. My feet don’t even make it off the ground when I’m clipped by a squawking club, the additional momentum causing the pull to spiral out of control. Dolly and Dawkins were screaming with alarm but my ears couldn’t quite catch it as I was careening up the stairs only for the turbulence to halt the moment my skull collided with something hard and cornered. Silver lining, the top step had killed enough speed for me to not slam against the chew toy closet, which would have caused an avalanche of dissonant squeaking to bury myself in a tomb of brightly colored rubber. Now if only I could do without this concussion.

Ow, pain.

I tried to get up but my little trip had knocked harder than I thought, my paws struggling to make purchase as scratching footsteps approached. Through my blurred vision, a spotted figure stood over me, the ominous shadow foreboding something very unpleasant. Said unpleasantness comes as something yellow smacks me over the throbbing noggin. Again and again, I attempt to rise only to be denied standing as my assailant increases his violent pace.

As much as this hurts, there’s something more indignant about a death by rubber chicken. 

The beating stops as my ringing ears can partially make out a struggle. My peripherals recovered enough to see what was happening. Dawkins had grabbed the chew toy, preventing Dylan from mongering freely. Dolly, in tears, was desperately prying the broken helmet off her brother’s head, “Dylan, STOP! That’s your own brother!” She succeeds as the demolished remains flew off down the stairs along with the rest of the mess, “Come on! Snap out of it!”

“This has gone far enough! You need to WAKE UP!” Dawkins rips the chicken out of Dylan’s paw, giving him a taste of his own medicine as he slaps the bonkered pup across the face. This actually get’s Dylan out of his trance as he shakes himself back to reality.

He blinks several times to get a grasp on what had happened, “Wha... What… happened? Did I...” The confused canine turned to my battered body, “Oh dear dog, what have I done!?!?!?”

Dolly presses through angry sobs, “You almost killed him!”

Dawkins spits out the chew toy, “That was completely psychotic! What were you thinking!”

The two distressed pups grill their equally distressed brother as he tries and fails to come up with a reasonable cause for his actions. Any response dies at the mouth as he merely sags, his actions haunting his rattled mind, “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“Tell him that!” Dolly motions to where I lay, “He’s like this because of YOU!”

Joining his sister in the dress down, Dawkins pinches the bridge of his snout, “I know you were not completely intelligible these past few days, but that doesn’t excuse what just happened. What compelled you to go this far?”

Dylan winces, “It’s just… I thought… I was afraid it was like last time.” The two pup’s demeaners shift, becoming dispirited and downtrodden.

Wait, last time? What happened last time? I try to remember every time a human got into this house. Mr. Fuzzy wasn’t that bad and while Hunter WAS that bad, he was dealt with easily every time they met. So who…

oh.

Her .

Cruella De Vil. 

Yeah of course he’d be on high alert. Crazy old banshee lady comes in, kidnaps your entire family in an attempt to turn you all into fur coats, I’d call the FBI. Then get a gun. No wonder Dylan was on edge. Who knows what other crazies are out there. If there was one fur obsessed person, there could be others who’re just as mad. Looking back, my actions now seem less innocent and more concerning considering the history of this household.

I started this. I need to end it.

Damage control time.

“Blarg!” I blarged, having not fully recovered enough to be coherent. It got everyone’s attention though, their ears perked up at the sign that the fallen pup was stable. Dylan was the first to my side, his face taking up most of my eyesight as my vision finally bounced back. His plastered image is still the epitome of the reason people need sleep, only now streams of moisture stained his fur. Was he crying? 

Great, now I feel worse. Really need to apologize as soon as possible.

Dylan was frantic, split between checking up on the injured pup in front of him and trying not to agitate said injured pup, “Oh my dog, are you okay?!? No, dumb question. E-Everything is going to be okay! Are you still there?!? Come on, speak to me!”

Weakly I raise my head to give an unsteady response.

“Dolly’s not the only one with bark breath. You stink too.”

Everyone sighs, Dylan the most relieved out of all, “Help me up… please” I grogged.

He softly takes a hold of my paw, gently as possible in lifting me from the floor. My front legs are shaky yet my butt remains where I sat, stable if barely. Dolly and Dawkins walk up from his sides, joining to make sure I wasn’t hurt further.

“Dude, you gonna be okay?” Dolly asks carefully.

I cough hard, “I’ll live.”

“Are you sure? Dylan gave you a really nasty beating.” Dawkins implores.

“It was a rubber chicken. Wasn’t much.” I lied, stretching my back to be rewarded with six different popping sounds.

Dylan bows deeply, “I am so sorry for what I did to you. I was trying to protect the house, protect the family. But I got careless and… you got hurt because of me. I know there’s no justification but I hope you can forgi-” A quivering paw sets on his foreleg, stopping him mid apology.

I take a labored deep breath, “You did, by god you certainly did,” He flinches as I rub one of my bruises over my midsection

“But. You were trying to keep everyone safe. And we can’t fault you for that,” He smiles warmly

“What we can fault you for is doing this all by yourself.” His smile fades.

“You were wearing yourself ragged, so ragged that you kind of devolved to using one-worded sentences,” Dawkins and Dolly nod in agreement, I hacked up a lung, “Got to a point that we had to do something to stop you from doing something you’d regret, at least we tried.”

Dylan looks down the stairs at the scattered pipes and scrapped cloth, “Is that what all this was?”

“Not… my idea, but yes. The plan was that if you got rid of a human, you’d finally calm down.”

He nervously rubs his neck, “Certainly calmed down now, huh?”

“Guess you got too Dylan-gent?” I raise my eyebrows.

Dylan laughs at my pun, “Oh I gotta remember that one.” Dawkins groans having heard it a second time. Dolly groans louder. My pun quota is done.

“But that’s the thing, it took a hairbrained scheme to do it. This,” I motion to my welts, “Can’t happen again. We can help. We’re family, we do this together.”

A tremor reverberates the house, a loud commotion from below was getting closer from the back. Down the steps, a giant mass of puppies flows in, with snarling teeth and intimidating growls. At least as intimidating as several dozen puppies can be. And spearheading the entire movement was Dante. He comes in screaming, “HARBINGER OF DOOM, PREPARE YOURSELF! WE WILL NOT LET YOU DO AS YOU- wait, where’s the harbinger?” The momentum died down, their quarry nowhere to be found. The young canines looked around, confused as to why there were pipes and cloth scraps all over the main hall.

I turn back to Dylan, “See? We can help. And there’s also something that I need to say.”

My paws wrap around the older pup, squeezing as hard as my tiny aching body could muster.

“I’m sorry, too”

Dylan gawked, “Wait, what for?!? I nearly killed you! What are you even sorry about?”

“The night noises. The dishes. Breakfast. That was all me. Didn’t want to bother anyone, so I stayed silent.”

A look of realization rises then quickly fades from his face, blending into a more understanding demeanor. He rests a paw softly on my back, “So that was all you, huh?”

“I guess it bothered you the most,” I sniffled, “If I had just told you everything, we probably wouldn’t be having this problem at all.”

A moment passes, with me clinging onto my “brother” in remorse. Then a delicate pressure passes through the back of my fur as Dylan returns my embrace. We stay like that for a good two minutes or so, just two siblings feeling apologetic from the unfortunate consequences of their actions. 

I broke off first, satisfied with the amount of affection we shared. Only when I pulled away, my torso refused to move. Dylan still had his paws around me in a firm family body lock.

“Uuuuuuh Dylan? You can let go now,” He ignores my request, “Dude?” Instead two more sets of paws wrap around us as Dolly and Dawkins join in, trapping us in affectionate cuddles, “Guys?!”

“Na bro! It’s time for H! U! G! S!” she says, avoiding the trigger word.

“Wait wait, I’m pretty sure we’ve had enough!”

“Don’t think that we didn’t notice you weren’t there whenever we part with Dad, you need this more than any of us.” Dawkins says from the left.

I look down to the floor, “I just like my personal space.” Dolly cracks a shit eating grin. “Nooooo.”

“I'm gonna do it.” she threatened.

“Dolly, I’m injured!”

“I’m gonna do it!”

“Don’t do it!”

“I’m gonna do it!!!”

“Don’t you dare!”

“GROUP HUUUUUUG!”

The trigger word travels down the hall, more echo from the first floor as the signal reaches its quarry.

“Dolly?”

“Yeah bro?” She giggles.

“You’re a snot.” I manage to say before a quarter ton of puppy warmth envelops us.

A tall grey tower stands hidden within the vast cityscape of London, identical to the rest with only sparse company branding located in reception to differentiate from its concrete brothers. Within its many cold and empty office rooms, a vast array of interconnected servers lay dormant in safe mode, humming quietly through the blackened halls. A monitor illuminates the hollowness with a single message in blue light.

[Subject has been integrated. Proceeding to phase 2]

Chapter Text

“GAAAH!” I cried out in pain.

“The more you struggle, brother, the more this will hurt.” Deepak declared.

No, Deepak is not currently torturing me in a horrible manner, although it certainly feels like it. What he is doing is giving me amateur chiropractic treatment for my… recent intensive experiences. At the moment, he’s just folded my hindleg over my shoulder in an attempt to turn me into a canine pretzel. My words, not his.

After Dylan’s breakdown and subsequent assault on me, the two oldest pups were concerned justifiably about my physical condition. When they mentioned a trip to the hospital however, I took exception at the notion. They insisted, saying that my body wasn’t in much of a position to refuse. I rebutted that if I had to go to the hospital, then we’d have to tell Delilah how I got so banged up.

They stopped insisting after that.

But that meant my small puppy body was still injured and they were the responsible pups of the household, some in more ways than one. So they took it upon themselves to try to find some kind of treatment for my aching body. After renewing my persistence on not letting their mom know, they decided to look into… alternative medicine. Deepak was our first stop. If there was any other dog who could heal others besides nurse mom, it would have been the meditative pup himself, to which they left me with to care for the other pups.

Did you know he had a chiropractor’s license? I didn’t. He acquired it when ordering a Wow of Miaow plushie with Guru Miaow’s self help book bundle, which had a twenty page section for animal chiropractic procedures in the back labeled ‘advanced techniques’. The pup says he’s been trying to practice in between meditation sessions but hasn't had any live patients... yet. Instead he’s been training on dog shaped cadavers made by Dawkins and if the tangled messes that remain are anything to go by, he certainly was enthusiastic about the art. When Dylan and Dolly come in with an injured pup in need of tender care basically right on his doorstep, he was all too eager to put his seasoned practice to the test. Lucky me. So here we are, Deepak on top bending my limbs over a padded table in some kind of attempt to turn me into Dipper, the living puppy knot.

Deepak takes another paw and pulls, “You need to relax, the treatment won’t help unless you unwind.”

I clench my teeth, “I am trying-GAK! But pain is not-URK helping!”

“No worries, that means the therapy is working!” With a twist of his paw, my body convulses in the opposite direction.

“Ok, you sure you know what you’re doing back there?”

“Absolutely!...Somewhat.”

“SOMEWHAT!” I scream indignantly, the only thing I can do with all my paws tied behind my tail.

Deepak looking away abashed, “Well your body is just so tense! It’s nothing like the practice dummies I worked on before.”

“Gee! Ya think?!”

“Let me get my book,” The sounds of pages flip outside my peripherals, “Here it is!...Oh, it says you actually shouldn’t be feeling any pain at all.”

“Tell that to my throbbing spine, Deepak.”

He flips back and forth between the pages, “I know I got the folds right, I followed all the steps down to the last paw. It should be working.”

A dumb thought crossed my mind.

“Hang on, can I see that for a sec?” He hangs the book in front of my head. Diagrams of a cat folding his legs in a multiple step process were clearly displayed on the page, surrounded by informational texts in multiple languages. I sigh, realizing why his marvelously calming treatment wasn’t getting the results the pup wanted.

“Deepak, you have the book upside down.”

He looks at the book again, then back to me, then back to the book, “So I have.”

I groan.

“Can you even understand that thing? Most of it isn’t even in English!”

“It’s numbered!”

“IN JAPANESE!”

Deepak harrumphs, “Fine, hold tight. I’ll see if Guru Miaow has a solution here.” He turns to focus on the book.

“Like I can do anything else.” I grumble under my breath.

My thoughts wander as Deepak studies the book to somehow change me back from a bundle of tangled limbs. I really shouldn’t be so mad at the guy, he is trying to help me. Didn’t even ask me why we hadn’t gone to the obviously more experienced medical professional of the house. Although to be fair, I think he just really wanted to try this on someone alive and couldn’t really find any victu-I mean patients.

“aHAH!” Deepak yelps, catching me off guard by his sudden decry, “There’s a footnote here about what to do in the case of reverse chiropractic sequences.”

I blink.

“That’s oddly specific,” Looks like the author knew people would get mucked up so bad, they added a contingency just for that sole problem alone. Good call, “So what’s the quick fix, Dr. Deepak?”

He chuckles at my offered nickname of him, “Please, I am not just a doctor, I am a disciplined healer of the mind and soul.”

“Pfff, don’t tell mom that, she might take your license away.”

“...Oh, you’re probably right,” Deepak humbled, “Well, the book says if I apply pressure right here,” He presses a spot on my back near the base of my ribs, “And hold for five seconds, you should be back to normal!” 

Immediately after, my body violently unfolds like an inverted bear trap. My limbs bend unnaturally and convulse into strange positions before something releases, leaving me deflated out onto my stomach. At least I’m not in pain from my previous injuries anymore, now I’m in pain from the entire ordeal I just went through.

Deepak smiled, “See! Back to normal!”

“Sure. Normal.” I peel myself off the flat cushion.

“So how are you feeling?” He asks.

Contemplating, I tested my shoulder to find that I could stretch my paws all away around the back of my head, “Fine, actually. Still in pain, but I can move again.”

He nods, “Ah, good. The treatment was a resounding success!”

“Yeah. Thanks again for the...aid.”

“And I appreciate your gratitude. Oh, and do come back next week for your next treatment.”

I pause, “Wait...next treatment?”

“Oh yes! Guru Miao’s self help book says you’d need at least five more different chiropractic sessions before you find your Zen and reach enlightenment.”

“And where did it say you would find those?”

“In Guru Miao’s self help books volumes two and three, it’s a trilogy.” I pinch the bridge of my nose.

“Yeeeeah, I was just thinking I’d put some ice on these and get some rest. I’m sure I’ll be ok before a week passes,” Deepak looks downwards, disappointed, “But I might take you up on your offer once I get better.”

“Really!”

“Just... remember to read it right side up next time.”

He chuckles, “Alright, that I will.”

I turn to leave, “Take care then.”

Deepak bows, “May your path be guided by the Wow of Miaow.”

=+=

With my dexterity regained, I return with dog hook in paw down the dumbwaiter to the first floor. Dylan had let me keep the device at the persistent grievances of Dolly and Dawkins on the condition I don’t use it in the house while I’m injured. Happy to oblige from any further injuries, but I took it with me anyways. Sure I might be using it as a security blanket but come on, It’s saved my life like one and a half times already, and the last one was because I didn’t react fast enough. Also Dolly might do something drastic with the thing so you know, safety first.

I find myself back outside, all the pups once again playing to their heart's content. God they sure go hard. You wouldn’t have thought these happy fun-loving dogs had gone through such a harrowing trauma such as a full family abduction but lo and behold from recent events revealed that it did. Looking back now, the signs were still there. At night the pups never seem to sleep alone, always having one another close by. Some would even whimper from some unseen horrors as they slumber which slowly ebbed away when they snuggled together. Adorable but kind of a bummer to think about. Wish I could do something more to help, other than breakfast. But despite these small changes, the Dalmatians were going about their day, enjoying the freedom they had as if the kidnapping didn’t happen. Guess some things never really change.

“You uncouth hooligans!”

Among other things.

Clarissa . Our neighbor seems to be at her most agitated again today, honestly her only state really. Appears that once their lives weren’t in danger anymore, all good will melted away to the ordinary disdain she held towards her local canine residents. Still going on about how we were “riff raffs” not worth the snot on our noses like the horrible female fop she acts like. She still hasn’t even given me my rope and hook back. God I hate her.

“Sorry~! Can I get that back?” Dolly exclaimed, bouncing on the trampoline.

Today it seems like a familiar scene, Dolly had accidentally tossed a fish shaped chew toy too far and landed straight into Clarissa’s face, interrupting tea time for the posh dog. Said posh dog popped up over the fence with the rubber cod on her head, fuming from the nose. Normally a corgi wouldn’t be so intimidating but the absolute grimace of hatred she was pointing at Dolly right now could curdle milk.

“You ruffians not only assault my face with your ridiculous garbage, “ She rips the fish off her head, “But you make no acknowledgment on the expensive tea you just wasted!”

Dolly just looks puzzled, “How would I know what leaf water you drink?”

“LEAF WATER!” Clarissa gasps, appalled at the dismissal.

“So about that fish?”

“Oh you want this back, hmmm?” Clarissa huffs darkly, “Alright you can have this back. HERE!”

She winds up before tossing the fish at Dolly with a surprising amount of force for such a small dog. The toy strikes with a harsh meaty slap, sending the young dalmatian careening into the wooden patio, hard.  All the other pups stop their play, gasping at the sudden violence as the assaulted dog groaned in pain. 

Dylan runs to his sister’s aid, “Oh my dog! Dolly, are you okay?”

“Uuuooo…yeah I’m fine…” She says weakly. Small drops of red fall from where she rises.

He cries out in alarm, “No you are not, you’re bleeding!”

“Well, it serves her right!”

All eyes in the yard glare up to the fence as the offender stares back impassively at the growling pups.

Dylan stamps a paw, “Clarissa! You… you! When we tell mom and da-”

“No! We can’t tell them!” Dolly interrupted frantically, “They’ll think it’s my fault again!”

“But you’re injured! How are we going to tell them about THAT!” He gestures to the bleeding wound.

She hesitates, “...We...we’ll tell them I fell. I failed practicing a new trick and landed on the patio.”

Clarissa merely scoffs, “Yes yes, go tell your parents you got yourself hurt. Your filthy commoner blood is stinking up the fresh air. Run along now, off you go.” She shooed.

Dylan glowered up at her, “...Fine. Everyone inside.” He helps Dolly get back inside as everyone trails behind, shooting their neighbor a dirty look before following.

Well, almost everyone.

A hook imbeds itself into wood. The whir of an electric motor runs as a lone pup slam heavily onto the top of the fence, holding on by dog hook alone. I had been sitting on my tail for the entire incident from the sidelines and was completely livid by what happened. I had done nothing while we watched Dolly eat hardwood. Even worse was that the perpetrator was acting like it wasn’t even her fault! Clarissa thinks she has the audacity to harm the people I CARE ABOUT and get away with it! No. Not on this dog’s watch. If I can’t even protect this family, I certainly will get even for them.

“You. Tramp.” I forced through gritted teeth.

“E-excuse me?!?!” She reeled back at the insult, not expecting something so vulgar from a pup, “I beg your pardon!”

“You think you can do whatever you want without consequence, that you somehow know you’re above it all. Well know this. Compensation will be taken for what you’ve done on, which will be paid tenfold. I hope you can sleep with yourself from now on because from this day forth, you. Will.  Suffer.” The last bit is emphasized by releasing the hook, dropping out of sight.

“B-Brute!” She yelled after me as I left. Did not care. This pup has a score to plan.

Back in college, I wasn’t known for much: consistent B grade student, not popular but still mingled, really just an average joe. What I was known for was my grudges. One asshole thought himself the big honcho in calculus, sucker punches my face before class and got a slap on the wrist for it. Three days later the board drops his sports scholarship, his girlfriend dumps him, and he gets arrested for drug possession. All on the same day. There wasn’t any evidence of foul play on my part, as far as everyone else was concerned I was just another victim. But people had ideas.

Heading inside, it looks like everyone was dower, some tending to Dolly’s wounds. Dawkins was at the window, sending a message on the World Wide Woof and from the sounds of the response, Delilah will be home in twenty or so minutes. Not much time, I have to make this quick. I spot my quarries in a corner, mucking about and being bored.

“Dimitri one, Dimitri two, Dimitri three,” I point to each of them in address, “ Your assistance is required. Meet me in the basement in under twenty minutes for more information.” 

They didn’t respond, too stunned by their fellow pup’s brief delivery. I didn’t give them time to. Whether they joined me or not, I’d make my strategy accordingly. 

One way or another that bitch is going to pay.

=+=

“Wot are we doin' 'ere again?” Dimitri one asks.

“Yeah, Mum said we shouldn’ be playing around any more.” Dimitri two points out.

Delilah had come faster than I anticipated, arriving home in a mere five minutes instead. Seeing as one of her pups was injured from an “accident”, she had set some ground rules to prevent further physical traumas. Minor setbacks.

I sighed, “Her exact words were ‘No pups are allowed to play in the backyard until further notice’, I know. We will not be playing though.”

The Dimitris looked at one another before Dimitri three spoke up, “So wo’ are we doing?”

“We,” motioning between the four of us, “will be getting back at Clarissa for what she did to Dolly.”

The triplets brightened considerably at the potential prospects of mischief, “Yo, now we’re talkin’!” Dimitri two cheered.

“So wot’s the plan, bro?” Dimitri one asked.

“Right now? Nothing,” the three tilt their heads, confused, “We need supplies, disposable tools, and more importantly, we need information.”

Dimitri three inquired, “Info? Wot are we needin’ that for? We can just dump water on ‘er next time she’s out for tea.”

“Don’tcha mean leaf water?” Dimitri one joked.

I shake my head, “No, this isn’t going to be some throw away prank you do on the fly. This is going to sting a little more than just a bucket of cold water,” This gets their attention, “We will make every waking moment an absolute nightmare for that pompous pooch. When we’re through, her fur will go bald in anger alone. She’s going to regret hurting our family for the last time!”

The pups are now hollering in excitement as I continue listing out my plan, “That’s why I need to know every little thing she does throughout the day. When she eats, when she sleeps, when she goes out, where she goes, and when she comes back, even where she marks her territory,” the Dimitris gag in jest at the thought, “When her schedule has been completely mapped, then we’ll begin the fun stuff.”

Now they’re practically jumping on the spot, itching to go before I raise a paw, “Before we start, we’ll need to set up some ground rules.” They groan in stereo.

“Rules!” Dimitri three bemoans.

“Wot is this? Dylan’s guide ter safety pranks?” Dimitri two whines, “Why would we need rules ter prank someone?”

“Because if we’re going to prank someone, we’re doing it right . This isn’t just about not getting caught, this is doing the deed and getting off scot free as pigeons who do their business on everyone else. It’s taking a dump in Clarissa’s drinking bowl and she won’t be able to do jack squat about it!” 

The trio were speechless before Dimitri one spoke up, “...Gnarly, bro.”

I let out a winded breath, “Alright first off, rule number one: we don’t perform the same prank at least more than two times.”

Dimitri two looks puzzled, “Why not?”

“She’ll be too suspicious afterwards, she might already be anxious enough after my little message earlier. Even repeating a single prank once is pushing it.”

“Wait, wot message?”

I roll my eyes dismissively, “Oh I might have promised a significant amount of misery and misfortune in her near future,” The Dimitri trio chuckle, “Moving on, rule number two: minimal property damage. If it can’t be fixed or replaced in the span of a few days, it’s off the table. Anything more than a broken plate will turn out to have serious repercussions on our part, we can’t have that. This also applies to physical bodies. As much as I would like to hurt her just as she did to Dolly, the less is better..... Well at least we won’t be breaking anything.” I smile evilly.

Dimitri one holds a paw to their hearts, “Awright no breakin' stuff, got it.” The other two follow their brother in pledge, “Any more rules?”

“Just one,” I clear my throat in preparation to make the last rule as explicit as possible, “Rule number three: do not tell the family. Obviously mom, dad, or Dylan wouldn’t condone our actions but we can’t let ANY of the other pups know. They mustn't know what we’re about to do.”

“Not even Dolly?” Dimitri three’s ears dip.

I nodded, “Not even Dolly...ok we’re going to let Diesel know but he’s necessary for part of the plan, afterwards he won’t be involved anymore. Those are the base rules you have to follow. You guys got that?” They nod, “Good, any questions?”

Dimitri one raises his paw, “Wot do we get in return? I like pranks as much as the next pup but this seems risky if we’re caugh', wotcha offering for our ‘elp?

“Guaranteed extra kibble and dog treats during surveillance, more for each day of pranks.”

The trio were invested now, ecstatically ruminating among themselves. Dimitri two’s paw shoots up, “Yer gonna use tha'?” He points to the dog hook. I sigh at the inevitable thought.

“No, I can’t use the dog hook for this operation,” I take the device and leave it in the corner, “None of us can use it. Dawkins knows when it’s used and who usually uses it, mainly me. If we want full cognito, we stay grounded.” In truth it would have been helpful. I was missing its familiar weight from my paw already, like a limb was torn off and left a stub where it was.

Dimitri three completed the round of questions, “Wot ‘appens if we do get caugh', boss? Yer sound like yer’re 'ot stuff but that’s all talk.”

I raise an eyebrow at the word boss but work through the stagger, “If that does happen… you three are to pin the blame on me, it is the truth after all.” I exhale, “It’ll be the least I can do for getting you involved with my impulses.”

Dimitri three surprisingly scowls, “Oi, we’re not snitches.”

“Guys this isn’t going to be a simple scolding, if we do this wrong we could be taken to the impound.”

Dimitri two scratches his ear dismissively, “This is for family, and we don’t rat on family.”

A smile cracks from my face, “You three are all right,” I take a deep breath, “Alright, there’s not much to do today but prepare, Dimitri one,” The dog cocks his head up in attention, “Get the supplies from the house: Dylan’s binoculars, black cloth, duct tape, a hot sauce bottle, a stopwatch, four hand radios, a bag of pitless cherries, mechanical pencils, Da Vinci’s spare spray paints, and bird seed, as much as you can find and bring it all here. Dimitri two, go bring Diesel to the basement, use the dumbwaiter both ways. After that go help Dimitri one. And Dimitri three, keep an eye on Dolly and Dylan, let me know their locations in case they suspect anything. Everyone, meet back in about an hour, I’ll go into more detail on the plan then. GO!” 

They all head off to complete their assigned tasks, but my paw stops Dimitri three before he leaves, “Hang on, there’s something I need you to remember before you head out...”

=+=

And so we were off, making preparations in service to the mayhem we planned to create.

Before things started, we needed an in. Discreetly. Which was why Diesel was hired to dig a tunnel from the basement that curved through the yards straight under a heavy tile in the heart of the sun room, the same route Dolly and Dylan had taken performing the reverse heist of Clarissa’s pink diamond collar. That was the easy bit. The harder part was keeping the digger silent, can’t afford a pair of loose lips. Good thing a nice juicy bone keeps a dog occupied, enough to hold their tongue.

Due to the fact the backyard was off limits, the Dalmatians had gone to the park for their outdoor replacement. I had stayed behind during their walks by stating my injuries were recovering, which convinced Dylan to let me be. Also helped that me and the Dimitri trio “volunteered” to look after Dolly, who was recovering from anesthetics used to put the three inches of stitching holding her wound together.

Here’s the setup. On top of the roof, we set up a stake out nest with a good bird’s eye view down over the entire back of 99 Dalmatian Street. This was my main sentry point for the majority of the operation, the literal watchdog and eagle eyes. One Dimitri would be on the front door lookout, in charge of letting the team know when Clarissa was in and out of the house. Another was stationed in the basement, prepping the supplies for the rendezvous, who’d get a head start on arranging the pranks for the day before I’d join them to complete the more technical details. The final Dimitri would be on Dolly duty, making sure she was fed, cared for, and most importantly, unaware of our activities. They’d rotate between roles each day so no one was left out from any of the fun jobs.

It took two full days of observation on Clarissa’s habits, taking notes on when she took walks and how long they took. Seems the ritzy sycophant had taken our outdoor banishment gracefully, taking most of her day outside in her prissy little yard, the ponts. But it all paid off! For the three days after that, we had made good on my promise to make our neighbor’s life a living hell.

The first day was a test run, nothing too major. Just installed some bumps and cones in the yard, even cleaned up the posh dog smell everywhere with deodorizer, doing Ego, Clarissa’s pet human, a favor. Dimitri two asked why we were starting so weak as I explained my plan...

=-=

-48 hours ago-

“Ever heard of ‘hostile architecture’?”

Dimitri two cocks his head, “Is that wot humans make wiv the weird spikes on fences?”

I nodded as I started gluing chair stubs onto the couch, “Sort of and no. they’re the spikes on places that don’t really require spikes at all.”

He sits there puzzled, a plastic cone in paw, “Why’d ‘umans do that?”

“To prevent vagrancy,” I say while cracking open a spray can, coating over the stubs, “Important people don’t want some poor homeless soul to sleep on or around certain places after dark, so rather than help them with accommodations, they pay lots of money to make them as inhospitable as they can without alerting the public,” A blow-dryer in paw, the paint dries in a matter of moments, “That is what these bumps are for.”

“Okay, so what about these cones?”

“Aaah, my dear Dimitri! That is also another bit of hostile architecture. On some buildings, their wall bases are angled slightly outwards. Does nothing substantial, but it has a little habit of deterring… public urination,” Dimitri two fights a grin at the implication, “These will be installed around those tiny trees over there.”

His covered up snickering grows into a full chuckle, “Oh I can’t wait ter see Clarissa’s face wen she gets a load of this!”

=+=

And did she!

When she got back she was completely oblivious, the Dimitri trio and I watching from the roof. Only when she tried to take a nap did she feel something was off. That something made her toss and turn for a good fifteen minutes before waking in a huff. The piece de resistance was when she headed out to the yard. Turns out she does in fact mark her territory, just never when Hugo or anyone else was around to see it. So when she walks up to one of the young saplings, she proceeds to do her number one business. All over her own leg. The four of us ran back inside to mask our maniac laughter should she have heard us.

With the test run a success, there was no holding back. Lacing all the kibble and dog treats she owned with hot sauce was a treat to see. Planting “dog safe” mints on the counter while adding baking soda tablets in the tap was quite a sight to behold. Hugo thought his precious Clarissa had contracted rabies at first! Which accumulated into today’s grand show...

=-=

-4 hours earlier-

“So wot are we doin’ wiv all this bird feed anyways?” Dimitri two asked as we both pushed the large bird seed bag through the tunnel.

I huff from the strain, “That… can be answered with a story. A man was sitting at the station with a bag of fish and chips, feeding a bunch of seagulls. He kept feeding them one by one, almost goading the flock as more came in for the food. A train came in but he didn’t get on. Instead, the moment before departure, he throws the bag into the train as the seagulls follow and the doors close. Instant chaos. Remember when I needed this five days ago?” 

He nods.

“I’ve been feeding the local pigeons every day since then. There’s at least ten probably hovering our street right now. What we’re going to do is mix this bag with these,” I hold up the bag of cherries, '' and spread it over Clarissa’s sun room. We’ll have to open the back door, but luckily I have these,” I hold up a screwdriver and hair pin. So my talents include how to pick locks, the funny things you learn when your dorm leader gets paranoid and stocks everything with old school padlocks. Dude spent a fortune on replacements.

From the other end of the tunnel, we force the bag through the other end. It ruptured spilling the contents everywhere, just as planned. I spilled the rest of the cherries over the feed and headed for the door, “You go open one of those windows, we’ll need an alibi for how the birds got in.” Dimitri two heads off as I return to the door finding it gives easily, the white slip of cardstock still in place.

Good.

=+=

We’d left the birds to their feast, having closed and relocking the door to the outside. In the case Hugo manages to unlock the door too soon, a small makeshift door stop was used to prevent further access in or out of the house. Me and Dimitri three had made a beeline to the house via the dirt tunnel, making sure to erase every and all traces of our illicit entry and waited at the roof for the inevitable turmoil. It took a while, the birds quietly munching on their meal with little else happening. The moment came at the distant sound of a front door opening. 

Then pandemonium.

Clarissa had barged right in, attempting to chase the intruders away small dog style. This proved unwise because the pigeons, now full of fruit and feed, had proceeded to expel the contents of their stomachs through the other end. Feathers and bird crap flew everywhere, almost ruining the view had it not been extremely vocal down below. From what we could see, Hugo had tried to unlock the back door but wasn’t able to open it. The offending gate rattled several times before it burst open, the human falling over having forced it open via shoulder rush. The birds follow suit, flying out as a distressed Clarissa gives chase. Both dog and owner were caked in seed, droppings, and crushed remains of cherries.

That’s right, you walking bread loaf! Squirm with indignation! The pranks have only just begun, you have no idea what I’m capable of, NO ONE DOES! WE’RE UNSTOPPABLE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

“HEY!” 

Well it was fun while it lasted. I turned around, finding to my surprise that Dolly was behind us, sporting a full cranial bandage to cover her stitches, “What are you guys doing here?” she asks angrily.

I look between Dimitri one then to Dimitri two before returning to Dolly, “Bird watching.” they chuckle at the inside joke.

The injured pup on the other hand was not amused.

To her right, Dimitri three was there at her side, having been on pup care duty before said care pup showed up here, “Sorry bro, she got ‘ere before I could stop ‘er.”

I sighed...

=-=

“...Hang on, there’s something I need you to remember before you head out.”

“Wot’s that bro?”

“...We’re not going to be able to do this forever. I’d give ourselves about... three or so days. Someone will find out about something’s amiss and investigate. Authorities might get involved.”

He’s startled, “So wot do we do?”

I ponder for a moment, “You will let them come, I’ll handle it when the time comes,” I smile, “Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

=+=

“You did what you can, Dimitri three,” Welp, facing the music, “So Dolly, what seems to be the problem?”

She huffs, “You guys were up to something. What are you hi-”

“Hey Dolly, check this out!” I interrupt, offering the binoculars.

She narrows her eyes, taking the bifocals and looking down below at the total mess that was our next door neighbor, “Pffffffffff- No!” She shakes her head, threatening to undo her bandages, “This is serious, Pearl came by to investigate a disturbance. Mom suspects either me or Dylan had something to do with it and somehow I know you all are involved.” The Dimitris who were snickering weren’t snickering anymore. Things are getting more complicated now. Let's wrap this up.

“Well ok then,” I head past Dolly to the ladder downstairs, “Come on you three, lets go bail Dylan out.” All the Dimitris looked between one another, nervous that their leader was going to blow the whistle. Gradually they followed, for what could they do?

“Where are you going?” Dolly called after us.

I turned to face her, “To put an end to all this.” My last words before heading down the ladder.

Time to pay the piper.

=+=

“Dylan Dalmatian! For the last time, tell me what you did!” Delilah scolded her oldest son.

Dylan was looking dismal under his mother’s scorn, “Mom, It wasn’t me or Dolly, I swear! Dolly’s been in her room this whole time and I’ve been out walking the pups!”

Looks like we’ve just arrived in the middle of an argument. Me, the Dimitri trio, and Dolly had all taken the dumbwaiter down to find mother and son in mid dispute. Man I could never stand bickering, even worse if I had caused the dispute in the first place. 

She pushed on, “Then why did Pearl come to our doorstep investigating a disturbance?”

“I don’t know, honest!” Dylan cried abashedly.

“That might be because of me.” The two looked in my direction as I approached, one with a rigid face, the other bewildered.

“You?!?! Dolly what did you make him do?” Delilah’s stern look now focused on the injured pup.

Before Dolly tried to defend herself, I butted in, “She did nothing, only recuperating back upstairs. Whatever Pearl was here for was most likely for me.”

The mother looked confused, “What are yo-” she doesn’t finish when there’s a knock on the door. Walking up to the entrance, she activates the scanner revealing the local community police horse.

“Ello again, Missus Dalmatian.” Pearl salutes.

Delilah pleads with the mare, “Pearl I’m so sorry for whatever my pups have caused, please be lenient with them.”

The civil servant only snorts, “Well that will be up to your neighbor seeing how the disturbance involves both them and one of your pups,” She looks down to me, “Are you the one?”

I nodded, “That is correct, officer.”

“Very well. Missus Dalmatian? I need you to come with me along with your pup. We have business to finish next door.” Pearl turns and heads outside.

“Dylan, come along then. I need you to reprimand your brother properly. Dolly, stay put with the other pups, I have some words for you young lady,” she orders “We’ll settle this soon and be right back.” Dolly looks downtrodden.

The three of us, a mother, her son, and her “other” son, head out to put an end to this charade.

=+=

When we entered Clarissa’s home, it was still a mess. Bird droppings still adorned the walls and ceilings, only the floor was moderately clean. Hugo was busy having a catatonic meltdown trying to scrap the now hardened dung off of basically everything. Clarissa herself sat fuming in the middle of the hall as we flooded in.

“What happened here?” Dylan looked with a combination of disgust for the filth and awe at the scale.

“My goodness! Is this all bird droppings? Oh my.” Delilah too was stunned at the size of the mess.

Clarissa on the other hand started off with accusations, “My home is absolutely RUINED! And it’s all his fault!” She points to me with venom.

Pearl shakes her head, “Now now, mam, he’s innocent before proven guilty. We’re still investigating right now and there’s not enough evidence to convict anyone. Now one more time can you please go through your side again?”

The posh dog clears her throat, “Alright fine, if you insist. Three days ago had started off like any other. Then after our mid day walk, I came back and somehow my furniture didn’t sit well for a nap. When I come outside to do...my business, I proceed to stain myself, how dreadful!” She wisps dramatically, “It all went downhill from there. All my food had scorched my tongue and someone spiked my drink! And now this disaster! It’ll take Hugo FOREVER to get the stains out of my favorite chair. And that little troglodyte is to blame!” I do my best to look as honestly surprised as possible. Delilah gives her a slight glare.

Pearl and Delilah share a confused glance before the mare spoke, “Well that all is very… unfortunate, mam, that doesn’t explain how this,” She gestures to the mess “ is connected to this pup.”

Clarissa gasps in shock, “Five days ago this heathen had threatened me, he said he was going to make me suffer! And look how I’ve suffered!”

“Is that true?” Delilah gives me a serious look. 

Dylan comes to my defense, “Wait, Mom, he couldn’t have, he’s been taking care of Dolly this whole time.”

The pampered pooch shrieks in offence, “Then how do you explain THIS!” she frantically motions to the surroundings.

Pearl scans the room before eyeing a certain corner, “Looks like someone left a window open, could be how the birds got in,” She turns to Clarissa, “While we have a motive, I’m still not seeing how one pup could do this.”

“I-I’m sure he’s got accomplices! Who knows how many of those hooligans helped him.”

Delilah retorts, “Now listen here, it’s one thing to accuse one of my pups, but it’s going too far if you try to imply even more. Especially the rest of my family.” She and Dylan are now growling at the primadonna, who was about to say something demeaning before I held up a paw.

“She’s right about one thing and I must atone for it.”

Clarissa smirks at my humiliation.

I turn to her, taking a deep breath as I bow deeply, keeping my nose to the ground. The smell of cleaning products and faint cherries invade my nasal passages as I prepare to give my confession.

“I apologize greatly for the words I’ve said back then. I’m so sorry that it has caused you such profound distress, I hope you can find it in your heart that you could ever forgive me for my intimidation.”

There was a noticeable pause when I finished my amends before Clarissa spoke up, “...That’s it? Then- then what about-”

I continued my confession, “I was not in my right mind having witnessed you harm Dolly those five days ago. It is on me to have been better than to act out rashly.”

Another pause goes by before it’s ruptured by the force of an angry dog parent.

“YOU WHAT !” Cried Delilah.

Clarissa squirms, “H-He-he’s lying! He’s trying to distract you from what’s really important!”

The nurse turns to her oldest son, “Is what he says true?”

Dylan nods, “Yeah, he’s right. All the other pups saw, we didn’t tell you cause we were afraid you wouldn’t believe us.”

Delilah takes a deep breath.

Right before letting Clarissa have it, “HOW YOU DARE HURT MY FAMILY! DOLLY NEEDED STITCHES BECAUSE OF YOU! I HAVE HALF A MIND TO STRING YOU UP BY YOUR COLLAR!”

Her shrieking caused Hugo to jump in fright, practically shoving Clarissa into a corner with her screams.

Pearl jumps in between the two, mostly to make sure Delilah didn’t straight up kill her neighbor, “That’s enough, Missus Dalmatian,” She holds a hoof up to stop the enraged nurse, “But on that note, I’m sorry but I'm going to have to take you into custody.” 

Clarissa stood dumbfounded, “B-but what about my house!”

“While that is another investigation, property damage isn’t nearly as illicit as assault of a minor. Now come along then, don’t make this harder on yourself.” Pearl reaches down to grab her by the collar.

“Bu-But…” She tries to defend herself as she hangs from Pearl's teeth.

I sniff the air, “Wait, does… does anyone smell that?” Everyone turns to me.

Dylan looks around, “You mean other than the bird poop?”

I keep sniffing, “Yeah, it’s more like a flowery smell. Clarissa, do you happen to wear perfume?” Shooting a question to the detainee.

“Of-of course I do! You mongrel!” Delilah growls, Clarissa flinches, “I always put a fresh coat on every morning.”

Rounding the room I stop at a large tile, “Then why is there a strong perfume smell coming from under this tile?”

Now Dylan starts sniffing the ground where I pointed out, “You're right! I smell it here too! Not just that, it trails outside.”

He goes off through the back door as we all follow.

His trail leads to another large tile in the middle of the path to the gazebo, “It ends right here!”

Pearl, with Clarissa in tow, over turns the heavy stone plate with a hoof.

There underneath the ground was a pile of garbage consisting of an empty bag of bird seed, a bag of cherry wrapper, and a used bottle of hot sauce among other various trash. All giving off a strong floral scent, so thick it makes other dogs gag.

=-=

-2 hours ago-

“So we’re just dumpin’ evryfink ‘ere?”

“Yup, any and all junk and refuse we use will be dropped off here, it’s evidence so we can’t be caught with it.” I hold up a fancy bottle with a pungent smell.

“Yuck! Wot you got there, bro?”

“Perfume. Straight from Clarissa’s vanity. If I assume correctly, she’s not one for natural dog smell. This should mask our scent and give Clary a nasty surprise.  After I’m done, we’ll fill the tunnel from here to the basement. If we play our cards right, it’s going to be one heck of a hand today.”

=+=

“It looks like it tunnels all the way inside the house.” I pointed out the dugout tunnel we trailed.

Hugo stutters in shock, “My-my Clarissa...oooooooooh.” He faints immediately.

“Alright I’ve seen enough,” Pearl says through a mouthful of collar

“WAIT! STOP! I’VE BEEN FRAMED!” Clarissa screams in desperation.

The officer snorts, “Oh there’s been a framing all right. You are going away for quite a while.”

“NOOOOOOOOOO…” Her cries slowly die in the distance.

The three of us left standing there flabbergasted at the events that happened.

Dylan broke the silence, “Wow, was not expecting that.”

“Me neither,” Delilah sighs, “Come on, let’s go home.”

=+=

We had arrived back at 101 Dalmatian street to be greeted fervently by the rest of the family, all concerned about our run in with the law and firing off questions left and right.

“What happened?”

“Did you get arrested?”

“What did Pearl want?”

“Are we in trouble?”

“Did we get banned from the park again?”

It takes a while for Delilah and Dylan to calm the crowd of pups down to a manageable level. 

Doug comes through, looking very concerned, “I came as soon as I heard the news, what happened? Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, Doug,” Delilah chuckles warmly, “It’s been resolved and none of the pups are in trouble. Go on, I’ll tell you about it later.” Doug, still uneasy but understood the matter was settled, rounded up the rest of the pups back into the house for dinner time. 

Dolly comes up to her brother with a troubled face, “What happened out there?”

Dylan chewed his lip, “I think Clarissa got arrested.”

“What.”

“It turns out she tried to frame this guy here for a bunch of pranks played on herself.” He ruffles my ears playfully.

“Clarissa. Is in jail. Right now!” Dolly was practically giddy at the notion, “PFFF-snk, oh that’s… very bad.” she stops mid laugh at the realization her mom was in talking distance.

Delilah shakes her head, “No no, it’s alright. I’m the one who’s sorry.” She embraces Dolly into her paws, much to the bandaged pup’s surprise.

“Uh.” was all she could muster in her confusion.

“I should have been more observant, sweetie. You know you can tell me anything, especially when you get hurt.” Dolly’s eyes go wide at the implication.

Dylan smiles, “It got out what she did right in front of Pearl. With two witness testimonies, she had to take Clarissa away.”

Dolly blinks, “Oh… OOOOOOH! Mom, I’m sorry too. I should have told you the truth. It’s just that I was afraid you wouldn’t believe me.” she whimpers.

Delilah nuzzles her daughter, “Don’t worry. From now on, I’ll be a good listener. Whenever something happens, I’ll get your side of the story first.” Dolly embraces back as the two share a family bonding moment. I smile.

And so ends the chapter of Devious Dipper, Pup Avenger! God that was harrowing. Bluffing is hard, especially in front of law enforcement. Remember kids, don’t do this at home, I’m a professional idiot so somehow through the magic of bullshit, it worked. I knew the police might get involved if Clarissa was loud enough but having the family with me was unexpected. Lucky Dylan’s nose was good but nothing like Diesel’s master snout, less my cover might have been blown. Welp I’m done. Good night everybody! This pup be needing his winks O’forty.

Delilah broke the hug first, “Alright now. Dylan? Can you help your sister to the dining room? I’ll join you guys later, I just need to get something from the kitchen.” The two nod as Dolly leans on her brother for support. Delilah turns to me, “Could you help me? It’ll only be for a moment.”

Sure, why not, “Yeah ok.”

=+=

Heading into the kitchen, the sound of puppies munching happily reverberates from the other room. Glad that everyone had moved on from today’s hectic events…

You know, it’s funny. The first day coming here, I was just trying to survive getting run over by several dozen canines, trying to be a passive bystander. The faster I figured a way home the less problems I’d make for the family. Now I can’t imagine life without the little tikes. If today showed anything, it was how far I’d go for each and every one of these dogs.

Suddenly, 101 Dalmatian Street became my second home before I noticed. What else have I not noticed while I was here?

Probably reading the room, Delilah had moved behind me when I was too busy contemplating and shut the door behind us. That’s odd. What is she- “Don’t worry, I’m just getting some extra cans of kibble for the pups, I do need your help carrying them.” Huh, guess I look paranoid. Maybe she just needed help- “I also wanted to talk to you about something.” Oh.

I gulped, “Um, what did you want to talk about?” Crap! Did I get busted?

She heads over to the counters, opening several lower cabinets in search of the dog food, “Oh, just about a little something I notice from the past few days.” Her quarry wasn’t in the lower cupboards so she jumps on top of  the counter for the higher storage.

Why is she prolonging this? Maybe I can cut it short, “Is it about today?” 

Getting straight to the point, alright nurse mom, let me have it! I’m not apologizing- “No.” oh well okay then guess we can just- “It’s more about you.”

“Me?” What did I do! Other than strike holy vengeance against our neighbor, she deserved it and I have a solid alibi.

She chuckles. Having found the food, she puts the cans at her feet, “Yes you, you silly pup! I can’t seem to figure you out.” She takes one and slowly hands it to me.

I reach up to grab the kibble, “Figure out what?”

“Well, who you are for one.”

The can fumbles in my paws, almost dropping the metal unit till I catch the slippery thing in my teeth. I immediately remove the can from my mouth, “W-what do you mean-” She gives me a stony look, “-When did you figure out?”

“When Dolly got injured, I made extra care to get more involved with the pups, helping with part of the chores and such. Like roll call in the morning of the past few days. All pups were accounted for, only... you were never there,” I silently cursed my negligence, “Leaves a mother to wonder, you know?”

Ho’kay! Did not realize my morning excursions would backfire so spectacularly, “So what now?” I stay tentative with my answers.

“Well you can tell me who you really are first off. We can then go onto why you’re here after that.” She smiles down from her perch.

I bit my lip.

They've been accommodating me weeks ago, kept me fed and sheltered, never really asked why I was there until now and here the head of the household is having a casual conversation rather than an interrogation. They deserve some kind of answer. My mind lingers back to my paranoid thoughts when I got here, would she believe I was human? I really don’t want to spring it on her.

Maybe…

“I can’t.”

Really hate how cowardly I am.

Delilah frowns slightly, “Why not?”

Floodgates open wide as I pour my heart out, “I don’t think I can offer an explanation that even makes sense. I don’t even know how I got here. I’m sleeping one moment in my own bed, the morning after I find myself in your main room.” Man this has been building up for some time, “I don’t know how to even get home and have been trying really hard these past weeks to not get kicked out or locked up. Yes, mam, I am an intruder, and I’m sorry for trespassing into your home and having been under the guise of being a family member. Nevertheless, I-I'll leave as soon as possible, it was probably immoral of me to keep up this façade.”

I turn around and head to the kitchen door, “Still might need help opening the main entrance, my pawprint isn’t in the system so the scanner won’t work.”

As I touch the door, a paw stops me.

I look up to see Delilah’s warm smile.

Why would she be smiling? “I don’t understand.”

She chuckled softly before giving me her answer.

 “I never said I was going to kick you out, nor did I want to.”

“Then… why? I’m a… squatter. I’m not family.”

A confused furrow grows across my brow.

Delilah breaks out laughing at the thought from the baffled pup in front of her, “You seem to have such a ridiculous notion that you’re unwanted.”

She wipes a tear from her eye, “Don’t think I haven’t noticed what you’ve been doing since you arrived.”

“What do you mean?”

She ponders for a moment before counting on her paw, “Dawkins has been delighted to finally get help around the house. Dylan really appreciates help with the chores, even the ones you do in the morning,” Crap, I guess she noticed, “Dolly’s been overjoyed to be included in that little toy project you’ve been working on. Even Da Vinci cherished that painting of yours, she’s been saving it on her wall since you made the piece...”

The dalmatian goes on naming pups I’ve been in contact with for my time in this household. I… I never knew they saw me like that. All I wanted was to be helpful, and that was enough for me. 

Delilah puts a paw over my shoulder, “As far as everyone else is concerned, you are family,” She pulls me into a hug, “No matter what, the Dalmatian family will welcome you with open doors. Stay as long as you like, sweetie.”

Something trickles down my cheek. My vision blurs. I hug the larger dog, tears staining her fur. Emotions ruptured and flowed out as I shut my watered eyes, more liquid feelings gushing out. It felt warm. It felt nice. 

It felt like home.

We stayed together for a good five minutes as a lone pup silently cried into his adopted mother’s paws. I broke off from the hug first, we’ve been taking too long and the pups would probably be wondering what was keeping their mother, “So I’m part of the family now?”

Delilah tilts her head coyly, “Well almost. You did lie to me and my family for the past few weeks. You’re going to have to be punished for it.”

My pupils shrink into pinpricks.

“W-what?”

She shoots me a playful smirk, “Your punishment won’t be too severe, I promise, but you have to do what I say.”

I cautiously ask, “...What do I have to do?”

Her smirk grows into a smile, “I want you to introduce yourself to the whole family. The one thing I never figured out was your name, no one seems to know what your name even is! It’s just the darndest thing how no one has ever called you out before.” 

“I told Diesel.”

She sighs, “Of course you did.”

“To be fair, I told him to keep it a secret.”

She takes the news jovially, shaking it off with a chuckle, “Well let everyone else in on it too. They'll be eager to formally meet their new brother. Now come on, we need to bring this kibble to the dining room.”

"After dinner."

"Hm?"

I repeated my request, "After dinner, I'll introduce myself."

She nods, "After dinner it is then."

=+=

Once every pup had their fill and seconds, Delilah had rounded up for a family meeting in the main room, "Now gather up everyone, I have an important announcement to make."

Currently, I was hiding behind her like the sniveling scaredy dog that I was. Hey! I'm not good at public speaking! Big crowds make me nervous and this was a VERY big crowd.

The mom of the house continued her speech, "While you may have known him for quite some time now, I would like to formally introduce you to him now," she gently nudged me, wide eyed with surprise, in front of her, "Say hello to your new brother!"

I wave nervously, "Hi."

Don't know what I was expecting but a room full of confused Dalmatians was probably fourth down on the list. Dylan was the first to speak, "Mum, why're you introducing our own family?"

"Yeah we... already know who he is." Dolly stated.

“You sure?” My eyebrow raises an inch.

 She dismisses the notion, “Um, doiy! I’d think I’d know my own brother.”

Let’s test that theory, shall we?

“Ok then. What’s my name?”

“Pfff, that’s easy! It’s…” Her former sass falls into uncertainty as she tries to find an answer, “It’s...uh…”

Dylan tried next, “Dolly, you know his name, it’s da- no, that’s not right. I mean… Dibs! No wait, Dibs is over here.”

Dawkins mulls over in thought, “How peculiar. I don’t believe any of us has ever called you by your name before.”

Now the other pups join in, doing their best to identify their family and failing spectacularly.

“Oh, It’s on the tip of my tongue...” Come on Da Vinci, I believe in you!

Dizzy and Dee Dee jump up through the crowd, asking for a clue.

“Does it start?”

“With a D?”

I turn to the two, “Getting warmer!”

“Is it DOOMSDAY?!?!” Nice try, Dante.

“I’m sensing... Denis? Hold on, that doesn’t sound right.” You can do it, Deepak!

“Come on~!”

“Can’t you, like, give us another hint~!”

“Yeah, this suspense is killing me !”

Dallas, Destiny, and Deja Vu try to coax the answer out of me, “Nope.” with little success.

“Yeah, bro!”

“Aren’t we pack buds now?”

“Throw us a bone!”

The Dimitri trio doing their best to cajole, “You guys gotta at least try!”

“I’m feeling...you’re sort of a Dwayne.” Surprising to hear a response from DJ.

“OOO! OOO! Is it Dudley?!” Even Doug had joined in.

The floorboards crack open, revealing a dirty pup, “I know! I know! It’s-”

“Diesel, no spoilers. I want everyone to guess.”

“Really?!?! You told Diesel?!?!” Dolly cried out in bewilderment.

The rest of the pups devolve to shouting random names, hoping one holds true.

“Dolan!”

“Dio!”

“Donald!”

“Dagon!”

“Dorito!”

“Dobie! Wait, that's my name.”

“Dublin!”

“Declan!”

A soft laughter from behind me stops everyone’s chatter, Delilah puts a paw on my shoulder, “Alright then, that’s enough teasing everyone. Better tell them or they’ll be at it past midnight! Even I’m itching to know your name now.”

Dylan cracks up a bit, “Wow, even mom doesn’t know? You must have been a really quiet pup if she hasn't got a clue, and she knows practically everything !”

Yeah I’ve had my fun. Just got to wait until everyone’s done, “Hold on, someone isn’t finished.”

“...is it Drak? Wait! I know! Decal! I bet it’s Decal. Tell me it’s Decal!”

A smile refuses to fade from my face, “Hey Dolly, you ready to give up yet?”

“NEVEEEER….okay fine, what’s your name.”

I walk up to Dylan and raise a paw, “The name’s Dipper. It’s nice to meet you all.”

He takes the offered paw and shakes on it, “Great to meet you too, Dipper.”

Dolly gawks, “Wait, all that build up and your name is Dipper? I thought it was gonna be something cooler.”

“Dolly, it’s a name. What, you think it’d be better if I was called Dracula?”

She lights up at the idea, “That would have been awesome! I could have been brothers with Dracula!”

“Well I think Dipper is a wonderful name,” Delilah cuts her daughter’s antics short.

“And now I have a NEW SON!” Doug springs in, pulling me into a back twisting hug. Could have sworn I squealed. With their father’s initiative, the dam broke as the entire family rushed in to get some of that cuddling action and ensured my spine’s demise. Despite the now familiar pain, I found that the feeling wasn’t unpleasantly so.

=+=

“Hey, Dipper?”

“Yeah?” It was late and everyone was preparing for bedtime.

Dolly had stopped me before my exhausted body could find a place to more or less drop dead for the night.

I turned to my adopted sister with tired eyes.

“Give it to me straight, did you have anything to do with Clarissa getting jailed today?” My tired eyes shot open, not tired anymore.

Quick! Play it safe, “Uuuuuuh, I can neither confirm nor deny my own involvement in our neighbor’s incarceration.”

She snickers, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell mom about it. I just wanted to know if you… you know.” My face relents as a sigh escapes my muzzle.

“I couldn’t let her just get away with hurting you. You deserved better.” I say safely.

A soft smile slowly grows on her muzzle, “....Thanks. Really means a lot,” She heads to her bed, jumping up to the blanketed nest above. Dolly pats next to her, “Come on, you can sleep up here with me tonight.”

I almost jumped at the offer, “Don’t you need to mind your injury?” Dolly was still bandaged up, wouldn’t it be unsafe or something?

She chuckles quietly to not wake up the other pups, “Nah, Mom actually said it’s better for my health. Something about raising my body temperature improves my metabolism, medical mumbo jumbo ya know? So, you coming up?”

Guess I don’t have any superficial reason not to. I climbed up the pile of books onto the covered shelf, settling down next to her as discreetly as a pup could. We both close our eyes to catch up on some much needed rest.

A paw wraps around my shoulders, giving me a jolt before realizing Dolly was moving in her slumber. Her soft snores brushing past my ears, letting me know she’s fast asleep.

Sleep well, sis. 

Chapter Text

“Dipper!”

“Diiiipper where you at, bro?”

“Come back, Dipper!”

“We just want to talk!”

Lungs burning fire as I hasten down the hall, young pursuers hot on my trail. Hard turn to the stairs becomes a harrowing death trap as a paw touches down onto an misplaced chew toy, taking a nasty tumble before stopping two thirds of the way. You’d think I’d have been used to these situations by now. If you did think that, you can go shove your opinions where the sun doesn't shine. Sounds of puppy pawsteps rattle above as my downfall hovers over menacingly having lost precious seconds falling down the stairs rather than running. Gotta get away. Like yesterday.

There! The dumbwaiter! Sweet salvation if I can lose my persistent entourage. Emergency evacuation protocol activated! Slipping between the railing, I attempt to jump down the rest of the way with all the grace of a fish, landing on my stomach. No time to reel in pain, time for action! Made it just in time, the paw steps started to clamber down the flight as the panel closed. Time to let my winded air bags take a literal breather as I calm down from the chase. Crazy to think that all this happened in less than twenty four hours. Hold on that’s not right, the chase was only today at least. The problem started a few days ago…

=-=

-2 days prior-

Dolly turns out to be a messy sleeper, no surprise there. What was a surprise was waking up to puppy butt. She must have been having a heck of a dream cause I’m rustled from my rest by her tail slapping repeatedly over my muzzle. The previous day’s events must have taken more out of me than I thought, I didn’t even do my early morning routine. Being annoyed was the least of my worries though as I had realized our compromising position had left me pinned under her splayed form. It was a slow and arduous process pulling myself out without waking the slumbering pup. But before I could pull my last leg away, Dolly kicked in her sleep. Straight into my kidney. Thrusted from the perch, my turbulent fall made enough sound to wake up the disheveled pup rendering my efforts mute. Pain man, we gotta stop meeting so early, not before my morning cuppa.

Song and dance goes; Dolly apologies, wasn’t hurt too bad so I take it with stride, and we head off to start the day. Dylan had prepped meal time this morning in my stead, having noticed my exhausted form and the injured sister holding us in place. I thank him for picking up my slack, I didn't really have any excuse for not being up other than having a Dolly as a blanket. He answers that it’s no trouble at all, he’s happy to assist a pup in need. It sort of irked me that I was seen as a needy pup. Maybe I can make it up to him. Later at least, it seems mom and dad want a word after breakfast. 

Huh. Mom and dad. 

It feels foreign, having a second set of parents let alone non human ones. Cannot think of any real world examples of this situation ever happening. Reality, why are you so hard to relate to? Will probably take time getting used to such things I suppose. After another delightful spread of protein flavored foodstuff, it’s time to meet the two adults at the door.

“...Now I know you’ve been in the house for a while but I want to tell you that you don’t have to wake up so early in the morning. You’re welcome whenever you like, as long as the chores are done before we get back. Oh and don’t forget, Dolly’s stitches are coming out tomorrow so let her know. And help Dylan to keep her from any strenuous activities!”

“Alright Missus Dalmatian, I won’t let you down!” I answered Delilah.

She smiled, “Please, call me mom. You’re not a stranger in this house anymore, Dipper.”

Doug wraps a paw around my shoulder, “And YOU can call me dad!” He hugs me uncomfortably close, enough that I couldn’t move without hugging him back. So I did.

A muffled chuckle leaked from his fur, “Ok, d-dad.” Still getting used to it. He smiles wide. It was then the rest of the family joined us, turning awkward adoptive interaction into a proper group hug as I’m squished between a soft body and a softer one. Whoever ordered the dipper sandwich, I’d like to file a formal complaint.

Soon the sentiments disperse, as Delilah pulls Doug out from the puppy pile, “Alright, we best be going now. Take care of your sister!” She says through a mouthful of Dalmatian tail.

Said dalmatian who owned the tail was waving goodbye, “Remember that I love all of you, my honeys! You too, Dipper!” He cheers as he leaves. 

Really am part of the fam now, huh.

=+=

So the day goes by with its relative consistent chaos that a household of over ninety nine would entail, well slightly less chaos. Dolly was still injured, spirit was willing but mom’s orders, right?. She did brighten up at the news about the removal tomorrow but with nothing else, she was super bored. Five days of nothing would do that to anyone, much less a ball to the wall pup like her. Dylan had promised to attempt to entertain her seeing how Clarissa was arrested so Dolly couldn’t go neighbor watching like last time, key word being attempt. That left no one to do the rest of the chores; vacuum, wash dishes, put away toys, and the works. Everyone else was busy doing their own thing. Dawkins was maintaining the gadgets of the house, Da Vinci was painting in the back, Dante predicting doom, Diesel digs, etc etc. Gonna have to be the big dog of the house. Mostly because whenever I try to get any of the free pups to help, they just scatter. Lazy butts the lot of them.

I had just completed vacuuming when Dawkins walked in, “Oh did you just finish, Dipper?”

“Yup, sure did. What’s up dude?”

He scratches his chin, “Well the stroking machine has been acting up again, I think I know what’s wrong but it requires something heavy enough to hold it down.” The pup scurried around the room, looking for a large enough object but found everything lacking.

“Think I can help? If you just need to hold it down, I'm pretty sure I could do it.”

Dawkins considers my offer, “Weeeell, guess it couldn’t hurt. But don’t you have all the chores to do? Dylan’s been busy trying to keep Dolly amused.”

“Maybe she should try bird watching,” I snicker at my own inside joke much to his confusion, “Really it’s fine, just gotta help you out before getting back to work. It’ll be ten minutes, fifteen minutes tops, right?”

He just raises an eyebrow, “Okay then, if you say so.”

“Lead the way my good man!” My chest puffs out as I boast, causing Dawkins to chuckle. We both head into the next room with the malfunctioning back scratcher.

“So what’s wrong with it?” I asked.

“Well it hasn’t been running properly, only making strange noises.”

“What strange noise.”

*ZZRR KTZ KTZ* We both freeze at the machine’s sudden interruption.

“That. That is what it has been doing.” Dawkins states plainly.

Now it’s my turn to scratch my chin, “So you got an idea how to fix it?”

He nods, “Why yes indeed I do! I’m almost positive the motor is jammed but I can’t lodge it free with my own inadequate body weight. Think you can help me pull while I push?”

“Doesn’t seem too hard,” I hold onto a leg to get into position, “This right?”

Dawkins goes on the opposite end to push, “Relatively so. Alright on the count of three. One… Two… Three!”

We both exert as much force as we can muster onto the handle, the machine barely budging from our combined efforts. Suddenly there was a snap and the axle gave way. Shame the handy dog had failed to notice that the motor was still running despite the jam. With the axle released, all the stored momentum caused the stroking machine to spin rapidly like a pinwheel in eighty mile winds. 

Dawkins got off lucky, having been on the pushing end the pup was merely tossed forward taking a brush across the backside. My dumb ass had forgotten to release my grip. Only at the peak of the makeshift whirligig did my paws remember, which was the absolute worst time to let go. Why? Cause my body gets catapulted completely vertical, a straight ninety degree launch. Beige fills my vision for all of two seconds before my face hits something that’s probably the ceiling really really hard.

From below, my fellow dalmatian must have recovered for he was cheering, “Looks like the stroking machine is once again fully functional! Your assistance is greatly appreciated, Dipper!...Dipper?”

The sounds of fur peeling off a surface is quickly accompanied by the feeling of vertigo. Next thing I know is pain, having fallen right next to Dawkins on the equally hard wooden floor. He looked down with some concern, which was quickly dispersed when I gave him the paws up ok.

=+=

“Ok! Last one! Thank god kibble washes off plastic so easily!” I put the final washed dog bowl on the clean pile. You know, dishes aren’t really bad if you don’t have a morning time limit. Almost therapeutic if it wasn’t such murder on my back, my spine popping as it stretches. Alright what’s next? I think it was… chew toys. Crap, not looking forward to locking THAT closet. It always looks like it’s bursting at its doorknob.

Heck, don’t even make it down to the floor before a multicolored dalmatian stops me, “Oh, Dipper! I was hoping I could catch you today.” She called out.

“Hey Da Vinci, where’s the fire?” I notice several spray cans wrapped up clinking quietly behind her, “You going out... street arting?”

She giggles at my verbal mix up, “Well yes, I was getting ready to head out for a big commission, someone wanted me to paint sections of the walls down at the canal.”

“Wait, commission? I thought you didn’t paint for money.”

“Actually, the commission was free form. That means they choose the location but they leave the piece up to the artist, and the money helps cover the cost of buying more paints. Can’t always rely on Triple D funding my hobby all the time,”

Huh...I actually never thought of that. Good on her for taking control of her passion!

She shifts the bag behind her, “I realized I ran out of some of the colors I wanted to use so I bought a fresh set. You know, I could have sworn I had more cans before.” Oops, “Anyways, now there’s more than I can take to the canal. Could you help me carry them, please? If it’s not too much of a bother, I know you’ve been doing the chores for Dylan.”

“Nope! It’s fine! I'll help!” I snipped. It was kind of my fault about the paint shortage, better to help than be sorry. I try to take the bag of cans only to slip and fall flat. Looks like she wasn’t kidding, it’s like pulling a bag of rocks!

Fighting a titter, she helps me up, “Not like that, you goof! Come on, like this,” She takes two cans and shows me both were attached together by a string. Putting it over her neck, it acts like a bandolier as each can level with the other in balance.

“Ah, helping me help you, is it? Guess it’ll be you who’ll help me paint your art soon.”

That gets a full blown laugh, “Oh you!”

=+=

“Wow, that's...a lotta paint.” I marvel at Da Vinci’s current work in progress. Three empty spray cans lay at her feet, a testament to her headway in her commission. Which is to say only half of the cans she had carried with. My back was still laden with all eight, like wearing a do-it-yourself wind chime, only heavier.

She shakes her fourth canister, “Got to paint the background first, makes it easier to focus with the base color out of the way.”

“Huh,” I look at all seven yards of painted brick, “You weren’t kidding about this being a big comish.”

“It sure is. In fact, I’m probably going to need to use the rest of these cans to finish the backdrop. The commissioner says I have all the way to the stairs over there.” She lifts up the cans currently around her neck, pointing to our left. I look over to the stairs she mentioned, about another three yards over. Probably should just let her work.

Several moments and two cans later, I speak up about a spare thought in the back of my mind, “Say, I heard from…mom that you saved my...painting?”

“Certainly.”

“Why?” She turns from her work to me as I give her a confused look.

Her head tilts like the idea was absurd, “It was your first work! I couldn’t just erase someone else’s art, especially not without their permission. That’s just wrong! And personally, I really like what you painted.”

“I was literally not paying attention when I made it.”

With nose held high, she smiled, “And it was beautiful.”

A scream comes from our right, “Oh my god, it’s doggy Da Vinci!” We turn to find a human with blue hair, phone out and already taking pictures. This smells like trouble.

I give Da Vinci a worried frown, “Think we should leave?” The human approaches, making kissy sounds and beckoning us to come closer.

“I think so, RUN!” She says before we both bolt, running as fast as we could to the stairs. Well Da Vinci did, I had several sets of full spray cans clattering loudly over my back. Broke several sweats getting to the steps first before realizing I might have left my sister behind.

Wait what?

Turning back I found she was halfway in between the stairs and the pursuing lady.

“What are you doing?!?” I whisper harshly, “We gotta go!”

“She’ll reach us before we get to the top!” Da Vinci cracks the top of the paint can, paint splattering out from the break, “You go on ahead, I’ll catch up!”

My paws refuse to move, I’m not about to abandon a pup let alone my adoptive family. She pours the contents onto the ground before rolling the empty canister right under the human’s feet, too absently minding her phone to pay attention to her feet. The first step flings the can away while the next causes the human to fly off her footing, sliding forward on her back past the stairs down the canal pathway.

I’m dumbfounded at what I had just witnessed, so dumbfounded I didn’t even move until Da Vinci ran past me up the stairs, “Come on!” she yells.

That was all I needed to pull my butt up and follow, clattering noisily behind her, “Yo, where’d you learn that trick?”

“First time I’ve tried that, actually. The Dimitri trio slipped on my paints once, I thought it could work this time.”

“But wait, didn’t you need that paint?” I reevaluated the cans on my back only to realize the one Da Vinci used was the last of that color we had with us.

She only smiles back at me, “I can always get more. Can’t do that if we’re caught, now can we.”

=+=

We make it to the inside of the main foyer, panting our ragged throats out. I collapse from total exhaustion, having done the desperate sprint with weights. Several more humans had given chase after we lost the first one, turning our quick jaunt back to the house into a full on pursuit three times the length it would have taken straight. At least all cans were accounted for.

“God! Puparazzi are tenacious!” I pant, “If I ever get as famous as you some day, paint my face blue so no one recognizes me.”

She chuckles between breaths, “At least your sense of humor survived!” Da Vinci takes the cans off my wasted body, “Thanks again for helping out, I don’t know what I’d do with all this paint weighing me down.”

“But you haven't finished your art piece yet. Isn’t the commissioner going to be mad?”

“Oh don’t worry,” she shakes her head, “I have a few days before the deadline, they’ll make sure no one messes with the work until it's finished. Besides, we did the hardest part already, I should be able to get the details on my own. Your cooperation was welcome though.”

I peel myself off the floor, “Have humans always been on you like that?”

“Only sometimes when I’m out, but usually I can just run away. They’re not usually that fast with their phones in front of them. Not since the first time...”

“You mean the t-shirt thing?”

“Yeah that!...Wait, I don't remember you being there. How’d you know about it?”

Oops, let that one slip out. Must be more tired than I thought, better make up an excuse, “Internet!” Good enough. I shake my head, “Anyways, why didn’t you run back then, when we were outside?”

“Usually I would! But I mean you were there helping me with all this,” She held up the canisters, “She would have caught you first, I couldn’t just leave my brother like that. Not with what I’ve put you through”

Aaaaw, “Thanks.” I can feel myself blush a bit.

“I'll go ahead and put these spray cans away, you look like you could use the rest.” Da Vinci heads up the stairs to the first floor.

Yeah sis, as much as I would like to pass out dead on the floor, I still got work to do. Several squeaky offenders remind me that they needed to be put back in their place, namely the chew toy closet. I grab a rubber dinosaur to start off my gargantuan task one step at a time. Dylan was able to stack them before, if he can do it, so can I! 

I’m sure a bunch of doggy playthings won’t put up too much of a fight.

=+=

Nope, they certainly were!

It took all I had to keep the closet doors closed, the mass of toys practically bursting at its hinges with only my back keeping them at bay. I think we might be a little overstocked this week. Unfortunately, that meant I couldn’t lock the door myself without having the damn thing explode on me and throw all my progress down the stairs. Oh the conundrums I get myself into.

“Sup dude.” Oh look, a wild DJ!

“Oh hey, hi! Say could you do me a quick solid? Can you reach the lock from here? I appear to be the only thing holding the doors back at the moment and I don’t know how long I can keep them that way.” I struggle to say under the brimming pressure.

He looks up at the doorknobs, “Sure, I can do it. Gonna have to climb over you though.”

“Wait wa-mphrp!” Was all I could muster before getting a paw to the face. More shove my muzzle downwards as the pup clamber over before nestling over my head, my eyes closed shut as a dog butt was keeping me blind. A soft click and then he jumps off, much to my discomfort. Slowly I pry my eyes open, finding the closet locked and DJ to my right. 

I slump down, “Whew! Thanks man, I totally stuck myself into a corner there. If you hadn’t come along, I’d have probably had to change my job to chew toy gatekeeper.”

He shakes his head curtly, “No problem.”

As I pulled myself up, I noticed that DJ had stayed put, “You need something, my guy?”

“Yeeeeah, I was wondering if you were free right now,” Huo boy I know how this song and dance goes, “Noticed you helping Dawkins and Da Vinci earlier, you still up to helping a fellow dog out?” He smiles nervously. I sigh.

Welp, I’ve been three for three in helping pups today, why stop now? Honestly I should be charging for my services. Family discount of course, I’m not a monster, “Alright, what do you need help with, DJ?”

“Cool!” He pulls out what looks like an extendable mic and some kind of recording device, “I’ve been meaning to get some sound samples for some music piece I’m working on. Haven’t been able to get out of the house, what with all the drama recently.”

“...And you need my help...why? I’m pretty sure you’re not barred from leaving the house.” Takes me a second to connect the context clues, “It’s a two pup job isn’t it.” Let it be known that I am not the sharpest tool in the shed.

“It would speed up the process for sure. Everyone’s busy and you seem finished with the chores for today,” I mentally count the tasks I was assigned, realizing that was actually an accurate assessment. There wasn’t anything else I had to do before dinner, the main chores basically finished.

“Alright, I’ll go help. But we have to be back soon, it’s almost time to eat.” Best to avoid the trigger word, less our venture gets cut short by the family.

“Yes!” He pumps the air in triumph, “Yeah, no sweat. It’s just around the block. Twenty minutes, tops.”

“Lead the way then.” I say as we both head down stairs to head out.

=+=

Well it certainly was around the corner.

“WHY ARE WE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!” I yell over the insistent honking of the evening rush hour. 

Both of us were standing within a concrete pedestal that the police used to direct traffic, looks like the police officer stationed here had called in early. This left the position vacant and perfect for two pups to stay for whatever business they’d have to be in the center of transit. Business that I had believed to be urgent, informed by the pup who actually wanted to be here. Said pup was busy working the recording device, having hooked it up to the mic leading into his large red headphones.

“I’m looking for city life audio for a mixtape, this was the best place to get it! Keep that mic steady!” You know it’s hard enough to keep a six foot rod up with paws. It’s even worse that I’m fighting between keeping the thing balanced and covering my abused ears. I might not have dog senses but just standing here is giving me a wicked splitting headache. How is DJ totally fine! Come to think of it…

“HOW ARE YOU NOT IN PAIN RIGHT NOW?!? IT’S LIKE HAVING A VICE ON MY SKULL!” The pup seems totally fine, not even batting an eye as cars zoom past at fifty miles a mere feet from him. I’m jittering like a bobblehead doll while this guy’s cool as a cucumber. What gives?!?

“Oh these are noise canceling,” He gestures to his headphones, “Helps keep ambient noise out during jam sessions! Now shush, you’re interfering with the recording!”

Wait, “...THEN HOW THE HECK ARE YOU ANSWERING ME?”

He turns from his recorder with a blank face.

Several cars go by before he smiles.

“Lip reading!”

A delivery van takes this moment to zoom past, the compression of air blowing pass knocks us both from our short conversation to refocus on the task at hand.

=+=

“Dipper!”

“*Snk*-what!” I pull my face from the depths of my dinner bowl, kibble dripping from my fur. Seems Dylan had noticed the lone pup drowning in his dog food and decided to save them from asphyxiation. Poor choice really, now the ringing was back.

“You alright there? You look like you’ve dragged through the dog house.” In a way I was today, Dylan. Thank you for noticing!

“That’s just because I got kibble on my face. I'll clean it off later,” A stiff bite and my dinner was sixty percent done, goody. “How was your day?”

He wipes a paw over his face, “Glad that it’s finally over! Dolly is a tough dog to occupy.”

“Not my fault your hobbies are boring!” The injured pup whines at the mention of her name, “Least I don’t have to suffer from that any longer. First thing I’m gonna do with this bandage gone is shred on my skateboard! I’ve been itching to try some sick tricks since this morning.”

“Dolly, remember what mom said,” Dylan reprimands his sister, “No strenuous activity, even after those stitches get removed.”

She huffs in irritation, “Fine, captain buzzkill. Why don’t you just call a time of death on that fun you just executed.”

“Dolly I’m serious!” He shakes his frustration away before turning back to me, “Well anyways, I heard you’ve been busy around the house today. Thanks again for covering the chores for me today, I’ll be sure to help for tomorrow once Dolly goes with mom to get those stitches removed in the morning.”

I weakly nod, “Yeah… that’ll be nice.”

Dylan wiggles his eyebrows at Dolly, “Hehey! Maybe with two dogs actually taking care of the house, it might not be so bad!” Dolly just groans.

=+=

-1 days prior-

It was not as bad as Dylan said it was. It was worse.

“Hey, Dipper!” I turned with a tired look to Delgado who had called out.

Seems word got out about how “helpful” I’ve been from yesterday’s eventful... events. Now I got twice the pups asking for favors, the speedster being one of the first. 

“Can you time me doing laps? I wanna see if I can break my record from last time!” He says excitedly.

“Sure,” I shrug dismissively, “Come on let’s go, just a few laps ok?” With my phone equipped, we headed to the back yard, Delgado practically hopping on two legs, which was probably mean to think about seeing as he only had the two. I’m tired, give me a break!

Several other familiar pups came by hoping their friendly neighborhood helping dog was available.

“It looks like the bowl flinger is acting up this time. Dipper, could you help me with the maintenance again?” Dawkins asks as another gadget was on the fritz.

“Be there in a sec, Delgado needs a watcher.”

“Say Dipper, I was going to work more on that commission today! Could you help me carry the paints again?” This time it was Da Vinci.

“Got it, will be there once I finish a few things.”

“Yo Dipper, I might need more sound samples. Can ya help me out?”

“Later, my work stuff seems to be piling up.”

All three seemed satisfied that their domestic brother would aid their endeavors and headed off, waiting for me to help them later. Delgado turns to me with a pensive look, “You sure are trendy today.”

I sigh, “Sure seems like it, man. Sure seems.”

I didn’t even finish vacuuming yet.

=+=

-8 hours prior-

This is getting ridiculous.

“Ah! Dipper! Some of the pups wanted a demonstration in Guru Miaow’s chiropractic techniques. I was wondering if they could watch your treatment later.”

“Well if they’re interested…”

=+=

“Alright brothers and sisters, we bend the back paw like this over the tail. It should hurt a little but that is completely normal for the healing process.”

“Actually... It doesn't hurt at all. In fact, I don’t feel anything at all below my waist. Deepak, you can fix this, right?!?!”

=+=

“Oooh Dipper! Me and the girls have been, like, really sore recently. We totally need to loosen up before our next big shoot and we’d really appreciate the help.”

“You know you should really cut back on the CrossFit.”

=+=

“Yeah that’s it! Lower. No higher. A little to the left. Now, right... my right.”

“Dallas, you’ve been making me press circles across your back for the past ten minutes, I think you’ve had enough.”

“And I keep telling you that I’m still sore! Now go lower.” 

=+=

“Diiiiipper! Can I borrow the dog hook for a sec? I need it for an awesome trick I just made up!”

“Wait Dolly! Remember what Dylan said!”

“Pfff Dylan Smylan! You can just spot me if you’re so concerned, now come on!”

“Oh this won’t end well.”

=+=

“BOW-WAKA-WOOOOW!”

“Dolly, be caref-Grmfk!”

“Aw yeah! Still got it!... Oooo that looks painful. Here lemme just pull that out of your face.”

=+=

“Hey, Dipper!”

“Want to play hide and seek?”

“Ok….but just for a little while.”

=+=

“Raaaah!”

“Tickle monsters, attack!”

“Wait WAIT, no I’m very sensitive-he he- stop that-he Ha- please-he hehahaHAHAHAHAH...”

=+=

“Dipper! I need to tell you the end of the world is coming soon! And it brings DOOM!”

“uuuuuugh”

=+=

Why am I so popular!

You’d think I’d be more grateful that the family was so interested in me. And honestly I was! The first day they asked at least. Now I’m rocking back and forth, a nervous wreck. These pups are tenacious! Finish one task, three more pups need help. It just never ends. I can’t do this. No one can. I don’t know how Dylan takes care of everyone but for what he does, he needs to be paid more. I swear if I hear my “name” one more time, I’m going to freak .

“Say Dipper-”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

Dylan was wondering where his brother had gone. They were supposed to finish the chores together but he’s been doing all the work while Dipper was nowhere to be found. What gives? The pup in question was found up on the third floor, cradling themselves in the middle of the hall. Let’s see what he has to say for himself now!

“Say Dipper-”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH”

Well that was saying something. Somewhat.

The puppy bolts past his adoptive older brother, leaving Dylan puzzled.

“What’s his problem?” he asks.

A pup walks in. It’s Dawkins what is he-, “Oh hello Dylan! Have you seen Dipper around? There’s a problem with the toothbrusher and I could really use his help.”

“He just ran down the hall-” 

He didn’t get to finish as another interrupted, “Say Dylan, was Dipper here? My commission is due tomorrow and I wanted him to help me with the finishing touches.” Da Vinci asks.

“Wait you too-”

And this makes three dogs more, Dolly enters the fray, “Where is he- Oh heeeey, Dylan! Fancy meeting you here… you wouldn’t happen to know where Dipper is would ya?”

Dylan waits for any more siblings to come and say their two cents before proceeding, having connected the dots as to why Dipper was so busy, “...Have you all been asking Dipper for help?”

The three other dogs shuffle anxiously at their brother’s question.

“I mean it was just that one time. Totally not skating related.” Dolly said trying to be inconspicuous.

Da Vinci scratches the back of her head, slightly smudging paint on her fur, “He’s just been so helpful with my commission. And he never really refused when I asked.”

“And... who else has he been helping?” Dylan pinches the bridge of his nose.

Dawkins counts the toes of his paw, “Well not including the pups in the room, I’ve counted that Dipper has aided at least DJ, Delgado, Deepak, Dallas, Destiny, Deja Vu, Dizzy, Dee Dee, and Dante. Although I think he was just listening to Dante.”

“How long.”

“I’d say about… for the past three days?”

‘ This was enlightening ’ He thought. Dylan sighs, nostalgia washes over him before he walks down the hall, “Come on, we gotta go.”

Dolly looks to her brother in confusion, “Where are we going?”

“To apologize to Dipper.”

“Why?”

He huffs, “Because you guys have been pushing him too hard. Sure he might be willing but he’s just one pup! He can't do all that work and not go insane.”

“Oh how would you know it’s too much work, it’s not like you’re helping us-'' Dylan gives her a hard glare, “...Oh. Yeeeeah okay, it maybe sounds like we’ve been taking things a tad too far.”

“Too far is right, now let's go find him,” he turns and hollers, “Dipper!”

And we’re all caught up to now. 

Hiding out in the basement is probably not the best first choice but I had to get away from the brash pups. I know they mean well but I needed… I don’t know, time to myself? Just… something that wasn’t running or massaging or chiropractic or horns blaring in my ears! I never got this much exercise before and my tiny dog body is feeling it now.

Helping hurts man. No good deeds unpunished, huh.

A puppy head pops out of the dirt as Diesel comes digging in. He spots me and waves over.

“Heya, Dipper!”

I tiredly wave back, “Hey yourself, Diesel. Down here digging?”

“Yup!” he nods, “Just digging!”

We both stare at each other when I cough, “...did you need something, too?”

“Nope!” Oh thank god, “Why?”

“Everyone else seems to always need help, and I’m sort of incapable of saying no.”

He shakes his head, dust scattering everywhere, “I’m good! Digging is what I like, and I’m good at digging! Ya dig?”

I fight a snicker, “You certainly are, Diesel. Don’t let anyone argue less,” Maybe I can rest here, “Hey, do you mind if I watch?”

“Don’t see why not.” And there he goes in a puff of dirt.

Sitting back, I watch the dirt covered pup, holes popping up periodically around the floor as he surfaces. It was...finally quiet, other than Diesel’s digging but that was negligible. No pups in dire need. No errands. No need for Dipper. For once in these three days, I can relax in peace.

“Oh, there’s this thing!”

And I might have spoken too soon.

I sigh as I sit up, resigning myself to help the household digger and whatever digging endeavors he has, “What’s up.”

“I found something while I was digging, I think it’s yours.”

“Do you need help getting it?”

“No, just giving it back. Gotta go dig it up first.” He disappears underground once again.

A moment later, his tail sticks out as Diesel pulls his findings out of the ground. With a great tug, he finally breaks the surface with his quarry in tow. My eyes narrow.

It was… something alright. A metal capsule the size of a soup can, its chrome shell shining where the dirt had fallen off. Two handles adorn the thing, one at each end; the digger had pulled it up by the larger of the grips. And engraved on its surface was a symbol, a blue diamond with spiraling center square. More familiar whiplash between never seeing this in my life to feeling I’ve used it before, just as jarring as my painting.

You know, I’m getting seriously sick of these mystery bread crumbs spread all over the place.

“Diesel, where’d you find this?”

“Under the house.”

“When?”

He scrunches his temples, “I think it was...a few weeks ago. Around the time you showed up. Is it yours?”

“Why’d you think that?”

Diesel points to my collar, “Got your dog tag on it.” Fair assumption.

“And you didn’t mention this thing... why?”

“Never asked!” Of course, “So you want it?”

“...yyyyyeesss. Let’s just keep it here in the basement for now.” 

We both drag the capsule over to the corner behind the stairs, out of the way of any prying eyes. I’ll deal with this later. Now is not the time for an incomplete investigation. Now is the time to rest.

“There you are!”

God damn it.

Time to split. I break out in a dead sprint, rushing for the dumbwaiter only to be stopped as something landed on my back, “You’re not going anywhere!” Correction, someone landed on my back. Someone by the name of Dolly.

“You’ll never take me alive!” I try desperately to claw my way out of her constraints, only succeeding in dragging paw marks on the ground. That girl can pin.

“Dolly, be careful! He’s probably really tired right now.” Dylan’s voice reverberates from the top of the stairs.

“I’ll say, I only got one paw on his back and he can’t even squirm out of it!” Oh. Looks like it wasn’t absurd strength holding me down, just exhaustion. I feel a tug on my tail, “Come on tough guy, you’re coming with us.” She says as I’m pulled to the stairs. This is it. This is my fate. Call the coroner early cause Dipper the dalmatian pup is going to die today from over exhaustion. This is how I go. Wonder what family will say to the pup who ditched them just to catch a break. Probably nothing too pleasant.

=+=

“We’re sorry!” 

“Say what now?”

In the foyer, the pups were waiting as Dolly dragged me up the stairs. I thought it was a firing squad, ready to tear me a new one for leaving them in the dust. Instead, Dolly had joined them before they all asked for forgiveness in a small group apology for some reason, in which I had responded in kind. With total confusion. Must have had adrenaline pumping before because it’s leaving my system quickly now, my mind finding it very difficult to stay coherent.

Dawkins was the first to cut the uneasiness, “We never realize how much pressure we’ve been putting on you.”

Da Vinci nodded, “It was never our intention to trouble you so much!”

“I mean I just asked for that one favor today so-” Everyone gives Dolly the stink eye, “...Okay, yeah if I had known what you were doing for everyone, it could have waited.”

“You weren’t around to help with the chores today so I was going to ask what was up,” Dylan explained, “Didn’t figure out you were too busy helping everyone else until they came looking for you.”

I sat perturbed by their words, blinking several times before coming up with a response.

“Huh?”

Take your time brain, you’ve had a long day.

Dylan clears his throat, “You don’t have to fix every problem that comes your way, Dipper. It’s not your responsibility.”

“We’ll make an effort not to disturb you from now on.” Dawkins declared.

Wait, hang on, “Then... how’ll you guys... deal with your issues? By yourselves?”

He sighs, “We’ll figure out something on our own.” Everyone slumps sullen at the thought. 

No this isn’t right, “Hold on, look… I don’t… Don’t think… You guys are not a burden!” I blurt out through my fatigue, “I can’t… can’t let you…do this alone. Trust me...I want to help.”

“Dipper, look at yourself, you can barely stand let alone move right now. A few days ago you were sleeping in your kibble! If you keep this up, you’re going to pass out.” Dylan said, trying to make it clear my current condition. 

He was right though, my legs are quivering from lethargy trying to keep me standing. If I try to lift even a dog bowl I’ll collapse. But I can’t concede. Not yet.

“Dylan,” His ears rise, “I get it. I should rest, had that exact thought earlier. But I want to make something clear,” I cough before taking a ragged breath, “Despite everything everyone asked of me, I don’t regret it. I’m the only one to blame for not managing my own time or my body, my fault I can’t say no to you guys.” The other pups’ eyes start to glisten with guilt, not quite reassured by my little speech.

What a bang up job you’re doing, mister pity party! You got a eulogy in there too?

Wrap it up.

“Look… just...don’t be sorry you asked, just try not to ask at the same time, alright guys?” I chuckle, an obvious attempt to defuse the tension. From their softer expressions, it seems to have worked, “I’ll go lie down soon, but there’s a few things I need to take care of first.”

Slowly I walk past the Dawkins and Da Vinci, making my way to the front door. I stopped at the cupboards full of leashes and pulled out a box from the underside.

Funny what people would ignore when it’s out of sight, “I wanted to give this to you, Da Vinci.” 

The puppy in question points to herself in surprise, “For me?” I nodded, “W-well what is it?”

I pat the package, “This... is a drone. It’s supposed to help carry any paint supplies you have outside. So in the future you can take this ‘puppy’ with you on any bigger commissions you get.”

Dawkins looks at the label, “Is this the latest Inno-Sheba Sky Assistant drone! This is a top of the line professional grade! How’d you even get this, these cost a petty fortune!”

Seems he recognizes the model. 

The strange things that you can find on google. Familiar things like Google still exist and yet there was fantastically new stuff too. I know for a fact there was never this kind of drone where I came from. But lo and behold, one search for ways to carry street art supplies later and bam, found a company that makes robotic solutions for just about anything. Here we have a commercialized personal companion made for outdoor use, carrying up to forty pounds and comes with a small wearable remote signal node to allow automatic following. Even has a removable chassis for customization options, totally thought Da Vinci would love that little feature. Dawkins was right about the price though, darn thing sported a high three digit price tag. This wasn’t just a weekend purchase anyone would make, this was an investment.

Thank whatever sent me here, I'm not just anyone.

“I have...ways. Don’t worry, the money isn’t taken from the house expenses.” In truth, it didn’t. 

The price tag was horrifying to say the least, then I took a look at my bank account and realized money wouldn’t be an issue. Turns out whoever sent my phone to me had been true to their written word that my contract would be compensated greatly, made this purchase look like I was buying a second shower head. Never thought I’d have so much money in my lifetime. Makes me second guess if I really wanted to go home. 

Anyways, haven't used a cent since. Probably not a good idea to let anyone know how bottomless my bank account was, what with the whole fetch robot assistant incident before. Didn’t want the more rambunctious kiddies to squander my funds on useless things. This felt like a good enough cause. 

I had asked the dalmatian parents two days ago about the purchase, the situation about why a pup would want one and for permission to do so. They immediately said no as the family budget wouldn’t allow such an expense until I told them the purchase would be on my dime, to which they asked, alarmed, where and how a young dog like me got his paws on so much money.

I answered stocks.

Immediately told them I jest before regaling them that my previous homestead had given me a weekly allowance before and the money was never used until now. Doug had let it go. Delilah was still skeptical but she figured the pup who had taken responsibility in the face of law enforcement was responsible enough to handle his own money. So one day express shipping later and embarrassingly having the dad of the house open the door for me, I had kept the drone here at the front. Was going to give it as a gift to Da Vinci, but a good time never showed up, what with the fam ping ponging me around. Now seems like a good time, you know before I faint. “Me and Dawkins can help set it up later so you can finish your commission, hopefully before the deadline tomorrow.” 

“...oh. Oh! Um, thank you… for the gift!” Da Vinci tries her best to not sound so disappointed.

“Well if you don’t like it, I can return it if you want, if you’re not really into this kind of thing.”

She raises her paws, “No no! It’s a nice gift, really it is. I’m just… it sounds so expensive...”

“It’s fine! I really wanted to give you something that could help if I’m not around. As thanks.”

“What for?”

“For saving my painting.” Back when Da Vinci got me to help with the commission, I had taken a brief look to the backyard to confirm. Sure enough, my painting was still there. Fresh pieces had been strung up all over the rest of the wall since then. And yet every single one was made so that no drips or splatters covered the swirling blues and blacks, she had made sure not to paint over a single stroke. That...took dedication.

Da Vinci blushed, “I was just keeping it safe. I mean… I’m not sure it was worth this…”

I shake my head wearily, “It’s worth it to me. Also,” I lean in close to whisper, “The chassis is removable. Paint safe plastic. You can color it all you like.” Her eyes brighten at the thoughts of designing such a peculiar canvas. Good, looks like she’s happy about my gift now. I start walking off.

Only to be accosted by the three other siblings as I get a face full of puppy heads, Dolly and Dylan on my left and right respectively while Dawkins took the underside of my chin. I couldn’t exactly see but judging by the sounds of wagging tails, they were all smiling wide.

Dolly puts a paw across my back, “Saaaaaaaaay, have I ever told you you’re my favorite half brother?”

“And have I ever said we reeeeaaaalllly appreciate all you’ve done for us?” Surprising to hear this from Dylan.

“You know, the holidays will be upon us before you realize. Have you prepared yet, Dipper?” Even more so from Dawkins.

Yep, totally saw this happening a mile away. Whole reason I refused to use my money. Probably lucky these three were the only ones who heard, can’t imagine what I’d do with ninety six other begging pups. Triple D gift giving sounds like a nightmare alone. Am I going to have to bribe them?

“No. Yes. And who prepares this early?” I sigh, “I’m not your personal piggy bank, can’t just buy you guys everything you want. The drone was a gift given of my own accord, I will NOT be making a habit of my generosity.” 

“Awww.”

“Kibbles!”

“Come on, Dipper! Don’t be stingy!”

“Ahp ahp ahp! No whining. Look, if you help me finish my business, I might consider paying for a favor,” The three grin again, good lord I’m incorrigible, “You’ll have to get BOTH mom and dad’s permission for whatever you wish. They gave the green light for the drone so that’s the ground rules now.” I look to Dolly, “Yours is going last.”

Shock stretches over her face, “WHAT, why?!?!?!”

“Cause I took a skateboard to the face, that’s why.”

Dylan growls at his sister, “Dolly! What did we say about strenuous activities!”

“Uh…”She stuttered.

I cut them off quickly, “Okay this has gone long enough. I’m running on fumes here and I can feel myself fainting any time now. Let’s go.”

I took one step forward only to nearly trip and fall but the pups caught me before I hit the floor. They take me onward, fireman carry to my unfinished business.

=+=

“Hey DJ?”

 The music maestro looks up, “What’s up? Why is Dylan and Dolly carrying you?”

“Just really tired. Wanted to ask, you got a laptop?”

“Yeah, sure do. Got it to work on recording and editing my music, why?”

“Can I see it? I want to show you something.”

He rummaged through his instruments to pull out an older modeled notebook computer, not quite out of date but getting there. Should work. I boot up the machine and go to the web browser. Recalling the website, I searched before returning the laptop to DJ.

“This is a free audio and music site. Humans upload their own stuff up here for others to use, no charge. Including sound samples,” I press play on one example track, car horns blaring from the built-in speakers 

“Oh, cool!” He frantically scrolls through the selection, “There’s even a ten hour sample! Thanks, Dipper!”

“Try looking here before getting any more yourself, save us both the trouble.”

=+=

“Oh, come for another treatment, brother?”

“Not this time, can’t bend exhaustion away, Deepak. I’ll get to the point.” I clear my throat to the doorway, three more pups come in from the signal.

“Triple D has been really tense lately and could use your expertise. You’ve practiced with me twice so you should be fine to work on other pups, right.” Deepak became giddy at the prospects of more patients before one of the pup stars cut it short. 

“Woah woah woah, Deepak has only done this TWICE?!” Dallas exclaimed.

Destiny gives a hard glare to me, “How do we even know this works?”

“He’ll turn us into puppy pretzels! Also you looked like chewed kibble” Deja Vu closed.

“I might be messed up right now, but that’s from overworking. Despite what I went through, Deepak’s treatment does work. Look,” I pull my forepaw over my back, pulling my opposing back leg to grab it making a perfect loop, “I’m not a flexible dog, I couldn’t do this before even if I tried. That’s how effective it is.”

The three divas look to one another pensively before Dallas relents, “Fine, we’ll try Deepak’s little treatment. But if he pulls a single paw, you’re paying for my new nails. I’ve just had them pedicured.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

Four pups head to the main room, two carrying an extremely ragged one over their backs. The limp pup prattles on as his brother and sister pull him forwards,“...Since Dylan’s finished with chores today, can you help Dawkins with the toothbrush machine?” He sluggishly asked the older dog.

“Sure, Dipper.”

“Cool… I think if we split upkeep between the three of us… we should alleviate the...burden. I wanted to talk about making some… kind of timer for Delgado but....maybe we can save that for later.”

“I’ll go on ahead and see what I can do for now.” Dawkins splits off up the stairs, leaving the three alone in the main room.

Dipper turns to his sister next, “Sorry, Dolly. I couldn’t really...think of...anything...for...you…”

She scoffs, “Hey no sweat dude! You can pay me back when I call in that sweet favor,” He doesn’t respond, “...Dipper?”

The pup in question slides off their backs, falling with a thud.

“Dipper! Oh my dog!" Dylan shrieks in alarm. He and Dolly panic as their fallen brother was unresponsive only to stop when alerted by the sound of breathing, Dipper’s chest slowly rising then falling in regular intervals. The two sigh in relief.

Dylan turns to Dolly, “Gosh, he wasn’t kidding about being tired.”

“Yeah. He sure is,” She shakes the sleeping pup gently who slumbers unperturbed.

“We should probably let him rest.” Dylan grabs his brother by the collar, towing his slumbering body closer to the couch where Dolly was preparing a makeshift bed out of couch pillows, depositing him over the cushions as delicately as a young dog could. She pulls a spare blanket over to tuck him in, placing a paw on the pup’s dozing head who snuggles deeper into the improvised cot.

Dolly smiles, “Sleep tight, bro.”

Chapter Text

“KIIIIFFFEE!”

“Wait what- GAHH!”

Hi! Dipper here! You might be wondering how I got in this position, being tackled to the ground with a sharp kitchen implement in paw. Was I defending myself? No. Had I gone mad and was stopped before I could stab someone? Do I look like a sociopath to you? 

To think, this all started because I wanted to make myself lunch.

Making a menu for a dog is... complicated to say the least. Grapes are a death sentence, and chocolate is three kinds of ill in the gut. It’ll be sad to live without either fruit or dessert flavor but the real kicker to the nards is vegetables. I knew about the circulatory land mine that was onions, but that wasn’t the only root veggie you have to worry about. Did you know dogs can’t have garlic or chives? A binge session on google search later I did, and good god was it depressing to learn. Now I have to be cautious about what I eat like a lactose-intolerant. I was never allergic before but now all my favorite foods could make me bedridden. Goodbye, Italian. So long Chinese. Sure I could technically have Japanese but I’d have to make sure it wasn’t garnished.

And I really loved scallions, too.

Heck even most human foods aren’t healthy for dogs let alone unsafe. To be fair, it’s probably also very unhealthy for human consumption but we eat it anyway. Miss fried chicken already. Over several weeks, I have subsisted off of literal dog food and the occasional stealth sandwich. Thought it was safe to prep food since being found out to be the midnight creeper but these pups are tenacious! First time popping the fridge in the open and what do I find but no less than twenty other pups behind me begging for treats, had to settle for a bite size that day. Never again. Now I make sure everyone’s outside before making myself a sammich.

Today was going to be different. No more cold kibble, I’m going to have a hot meal for once. Having ordered groceries beforehand, thank you Dawkins for being my door dog, I’ve procured the proper ingredients to make a simple chicken rice porridge. What? It’s one of the few recipes I know, at least on an open fire. Just clearing enough space on a square foot of countertop and a single stove top was a herculean task, dog bowls were stacked up so high the pile stood over the fridge. Finding the oven was chock full of even more of the darn plastic saucers, I just decided not to bother. Oddly enough there were signs of the appliance being used once but I’ve never seen anyone cook before. Weird.

Not my concern! I’m in this room to cook and that’s what I’ma gonna do! I’ve taken the food stuff out onto the counter, setting up the pan to start boiling the stock while I cut the meat and vegetables. Unfortunately the chef’s knife was definitely far too big for puppy employment, darn thing was like wielding a bastard sword. Yes it is I, Dipper! SOLDIER first class! Sounds awesome but I have to be responsible now, paring knife it is! Perfect for cutting down veggies, not so great for chopping meat but what can you do as a small animal. So that’s what I did first! With the carrots and broccoli chopped I reluctantly moved onto the chicken, slowly making progress with cubing the bird.

It was at this moment that Dylan had entered from the hallway.

 “...per? Dipper! Are you the-”

I wave with my free paw, “Hey.” 

His eyes become pinpricks before pointing at my other, “KIIIIFFFEE!”

“Wait what- GAHH!” is all I could utter as five pounds of puppy by the name of Dylan cannonballed me to the ground. Dog can get mad air when motivated. The kitchen implement goes flying from my paw as we both land painfully on the tile floor, obviously with the larger pup on top, typical. A second later, the blade falls, embedding itself a mere inch from our faces, much alarm was had between the both of us. You’d think I’d be used to near death situations with how close this family gets up to on a weekly basis. Doesn’t help ease the feeling of serrated steel brushing my fur.

Dylan quickly got off of me only to give me a dress down, “Dipper! What in dog’s name were you doing with a knife! Puppies are not allowed to have them in this house, they are extremely dangerous!”

A sigh escapes my muzzle, pulling myself up slowly as to not cut myself on the imbedded floor blade, “I WAS going to make myself some lunch,” my eyes narrow as I look around, “but I guess my meal has other plans now.”

We weren’t the only things to have fallen to the ground. During our little scuffle, the ingredients I had laid out and prepped must have gotten caught, cause all my hard work was now strewn across the floor. Wasted. If I was irritated by the landing, I’m annoyed now.

Dylan nervously tugs his collar, “Sorry, Dipper. But you shouldn’t be near the kitchen knives, they were locked away out of the pup’s reach for a reason! Mom banned their access a while ago.”

“Huh, I was wondering why they were up there but guess that makes sense.” When I was looking for the blades, they were nowhere to be found. The dog hook was required to get to the cupboards where they were stored in a locked box. Nothing two bobby pins couldn't fix. Guess I’m gonna have to unfix it now. I climbed back up the step ladder I was so recently snatched from to turn off the stove, the boiling stock luckily hadn't spilled when we fell. “So was there a reason to paint the floor with my groceries or…”

His head rattles with realization, “That’s right! There’s a really bad situation and we need your help!”

“Sweet Space Christ, what NOW!?” I groaned, “What, was Dolly or Dawkins not enough?!?”

He actually nods, “Dolly AND Dawkins. They both stayed back to try to keep the rest of the family from getting any rowdier. We need all the pups we can get!”

Just great, “You guys really can’t fix whatever it is with the three of you?”

“I wouldn’t be here to find you if we could.”

Le sigh, “Fantastic. At least help me clean all this up,” I go to find a dustpan and broom, “don’t want to be responsible for two messes in this house.”

“No time, we have to go!” Dylan grabs my collar as I’m dragged away from the kitchen.

=+=

You know after living with a family for several weeks, you start seeing small things about said family. Other than like twenty or so individuals, the show portrayed the rest of the family as an amalgamate blob of spots and puppy faces. Same body structure with divergent fur patterns with maybe different colored collars and the like. Heck, it was like that for me when I first got here, everyone just looked too alike.

“Like, we’re totes the best triplets in this household!”

But then I noticed something. In the common case when a trigger word is called, EVERYONE that wasn’t Dylan, Dolly, or Dawkins gets caught up in the insinuating canine snuggle wave. I had seen Da Vinci, DJ, and surprisingly Dante get in on group cuddles, running alongside their brothers and sisters. Heck even Triple D was present in the puppy pile, getting their hour long pedicures ruined. When I questioned them alone on why they do something so out of character they responded with why not. They would then proceed to compress all the air out of my lungs before the rest of the family descended upon us. Every single one of them. Hugging is serious family business.

“Nuh uh~! We’re the top dog trio!”

As time goes by, those same cut copied dalmatian templates start looking slightly different in details other than their spots. Some had rougher fur like the Dimitri bros, others had sleeker coats, well as sleek as dogs who don’t bathe regularly can have. There are pups with nicks and scrapes from playing too hard, pups with rounder frames, even pups with curled tails! Some even had additional accessories that I hadn’t observed before.

“You guys are both wrong, it’s us three!”

For example, the three female pups who were currently arguing with Triple D and the Dimitri trio. A third triad of dalmatians, each were sporting a different colored plastic headband holding back their ears: one red, one light purple, and one yellow. Didn’t recognize them at first but then again who would. What were they arguing about? Why which one was the better three dog group of course! This was the “really bad” situation, Dylan? 

I turn to the pup in question, my annoyed glare coming back with a vengeance, “This is what you ruined my lunch for? A ‘cock’ contest?” my words turning fouler as my mood sours, my daily fucks currently being spent at an alarming rate right now.

First lunch is canceled, now this.

He only looks back in confusion, “What does roosters have to do with triplets?”

“Rooster triplets what now?” Dolly interjects as she and Dawkins join in.

“Can someone explain to me why this...” I motion to the squabbling pups.

“Come on it’s obviously us,” Dallas rolls her eyes, “We’re the breadwinners of the family!”

“Yeah! We are making all that dough!” Destiny added.

Deja Vu stops to wonder, “Wait, so where’s all that bread we won?”

 “...Constitutes as something to worry about.”

Dawkins begins his explanation, “Well it all started when Deja Vu asked the Dimitris how did they tell each other apart, to which they responded with something about being so in sync they just knew. She in turn compared them to her relations to Dallas and Destiny, and they took exception to that. Everything went downhill from there, as you can see...”

“Bet if we remove our collars and run real fast, yer wouldn’t be able ter tell us apart!”

“That’s dumb! We practically have matching fur patterns, it’d be harder to find us out!”

“No it’s not! Yer could pick Deja Vu a mile away!”

“HEY...well I guess that’s fair.”

Dolly grits her teeth, “We’ve been trying to calm down the rest of the pups when they started taking sides,” She huffed, “Been really getting on my nerves!”

My face feels strained, “I’ll say.”

“So, any idea on how to stop this?” Dylan asks.

“Why?”

The three dalmatians look at me like I grew a second head, “Why?!?! They’re fighting! We can’t let them keep doing that! What if they escalate?”

My paw shoots out in the feuding pups’ direction, “That…”

“W-we help all over the house! Isn’t that right, girls?”

“Yeah!”

“That’s right!”

“WHO ASKED YOU!”

“...is merely a bunch of little yapping children bickering about something completely asinine. They’ll get tired of it soon.”

On cue, an alarming “FINE” rings out from all nine pups, the room practically shakes from the force. Each of the groups turning their noses up in outrage with one another before walking away.

“See? Debate over. Give them an hour to cool, they’ll forget all about this tomorrow.” Triple D goes off up the stairs while the Dimitris heads on to the backyard. The last three remain in the living room.

The fellow puppy caretakers give each other nervous glances.

“I dunno. They looked kind of agitated when they walked out.” Dylan said restlessly.

Dolly shares her brother’s anxiety, “Yeah, never seen them get this upset.”

I groan, “UGGGGGH, fine! Go talk with them if it makes you feel better.” 

“I’ll...go have a word with the Dimitris.” Dylan says as he heads through the dining room.

“I got Triple D. Let’s get this over with.” Dolly sighs as she goes up to the first floor.

“Guess I’ll see to these three then.” Dawkins refers to the three left behind.

“You go do that,” I turn around to head back, “Now if you excuse me, I have a mess to clean up in the kitchen, courtesy of Dylan’s overprotection.”

=+=

One exhausting cleanup later (hey you try wiping the floor with a mop eight times your size!), I was busy repacking my ingredients to put away. Most of the food stuff was on the ground anyway so no point in using the rest now.

Three sets of puppy footsteps enter outside my vision, sounds like the talks were successful, “See? What did I tell…”

I turned around thinking it’s the older pups, only to find three other dogs had entered the kitchen, the second triplet of girls with headbands. Looks like their conversation with Dawkins went south, judging by their unpleasant expressions.

The pup with the red headband speaks with an irritated tone, “What are you doing here?” 

Oh well I guess we’re taking all the attitude today. Getting real sick of how many fucks I’m spending. You want to get snippy with me young lady? Oh this pup can get snippy! “I have been cleaning up the mess Dylan made after he saw me trying to make my own food with a knife. Almost made both of us into dog kebabs.”

I pointed at the blade still embedded into the kitchen tile. Stubborn thing refused to budge no matter what I did so I just left it. 

Her eyes go wide, “Those are banned! You’re not even supposed to have those!-You know what?! You should leave, j-just get out!”

“Last time I checked, the kitchen was available for everyone, not just you.” 

Might have added more bite than I should have because she recoils at the harsh mannerisms I had spit, the pup retreating along with her sister as they all start whimpering, their eyes start to glisten with moisture. Crap, I made puppies literally cry, I am just the worst dog today.

“Alright, what happened.” I asked flatter than before.

The pup in light purple answered this time, “Why do you care?!”

“Cause the rest of the pups were worried, why do you think Dawkins tried to comfort you three. I’ll take it you being in here rather than the living room that your conversation didn’t go well.”

They nodded slowly.

Dang it Dawkins! You’re supposed to handle this! “What did he say?”

“W-what?”

“Last I saw he was trying to console you just as Dolly was to Triple D and Dylan is to the Dimitris. It obviously didn’t work. So?”

Now it was yellow band’s turn to remark, “...Something about how it wasn’t important to be the best, just do our best.”

Relatively good advice, let’s see what’s wrong with it.

“And?”

“And...what?”

“Pretty sure there’s nothing wrong with what he said, but you not currently talking with him means you didn’t like what he said. Now I’m not going to regurgitate the same life lesson back to you so I’ll say this: why is it so important to be the best?”

The pups look at one another, “Because we don’t want to just do our best. We wanna BE the best!” red band exclaimed.

Purple joined in the invigorated excitement, “Yeah! That’s right, girls! We are the best! Cause we’re…”

“The Debbie Three!” The pups shout in unison

They form up as a group, their paws sway slightly mid-pose. From their uncomfortable postures, I assume they haven’t done this little maneuver for long. It was more of an imitation of Triple D than anything else.

Unfortunately I was too confused about the name itself to have been concerned by the comparison.

“Debbie...who?” I wrack my brain trying to remember who these three are, names were never my strong suit, which is a tragedy in the making when you’re in a hundred plus household.

They falter at my disregard but recover shortly after, “We are the Debbie Three! I’m Debbie-May!” said redband.

“I’m Debbie-Lou!” followed purple.

“And I’m Debbie-Leeeeeeeeeee!!!” yellow finished in a bout of excitement, pulling out a pair of dancing ribbons made of what looks to be party streamers? And is that confetti?

Wait, something clicked. Under the list of dalmatian names I had to reference on already taken titles, these three extras showed up under recurring characters. Interesting to see them in all their personalities.

Redband, now revealed to be named Debbie-May, continued with the momentum, “We the Debbie Three are the strongest, most capable pups of this family and we will show our brothers and sisters that we are, paws down, the best triplet on all of Dalmatian street!” She ends her speech with a smile as the other two pups excitedly applaud their sister’s performance.

“...How?”

They stop wide-eyed at my question before, all enthusiasm dies and the three nervously converse with one another.

“How are we going to show them, May?”

“I’m not sure Lou, but we have to do something. Everyone will think we’re pushovers!”

“Come on girls! We have to think of something! It’d make Triple D and the Dimitris right if we don’t!”

“What can we even do, Lee? The other triplets are so much better at being triplets that we are.”

“Don’t say that, Lou! There’s gotta be a bright side!”

I leave them alone to their discourse. What? I don’t have answers to everything. Sure I could tell them they’re absolutely valid members of this family, just as important as everyone else!...Actually that sounds bad, but either way, they probably wouldn’t listen. If Dawkins couldn’t convince them of such, why would the opinion of someone they’ve barely talked to make a difference? These groceries have been staying out long enough anyways.

Besides, what are three background pups going to do?

“Maybe we can prove it?”

Probably something stupid. 

“Whatcha thinkin Lee?” Debbie-Lou asked.

“Maybe we can make a big spectacle! Something flashy to show off how we’re the better trio!”

Debbie-May jumps at the idea, “Hey yeah! That would prove that we aren’t has-beens. Those pompous braggarts! They’d have to shut up for sure!”

Good grief, this is gonna be rough. From the sounds of their banter, the three Debbies are planning to do something garish. This can only end with doing someone a very painful evening. Well guess what. It’s not going to be me this time. Every time I intervene in a situation, I’m paying for it some way or another. Each and every one has run this pup to complete exhaustion. Let Dylan be the butt monkey.

The three pups excitedly hurry off to carry out whatever magnum opus they had planned for the family.

I finished cleaning the kitchen. Someone had to do it, everyone was busy.

With the refrigerator closed, I let out a satisfied whistle. Feels nice to get something done around the house, you know, after all that’s happened.

A silence echoes throughout the kitchen, only broken by the low hum of the icebox. What gratification I gained was quickly overshadowed by responsible anxiety. Crap, might as well go give the others a heads up on whatever shenanigans could be coming their way.

=+=

“I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say talks didn’t go so well, did they?”

Heading back out to the living room to reunite with everyone, only I find a fuming Dolly and a filthy looking Dylan waiting with a nervous Dawkins. This can only mean good things.

“Those. THOSE! OOOH, those three are going to regret this!” Dolly ranted. “If I get my paws on those primadonnas, it’s gonna be TOO soon!"

Dylan brushes off the grass from his fur. “The Dimitris kicked me out of the treehouse! MY treehouse!”

A headache is coming along. I massage my temples, preparing myself for the inevitable diatribe the two were about to give, “So what exactly happened?”

Dolly started first, “Triple D didn’t want to be disturbed from their little ‘practice meet’. They had the nerve to reject my help, saying I’m ‘outdated’. How DARE those three call me old! Triple D, more like Triple Dead when I’m through with them!” 

Woof, little hostile there sis. 

Dylan immediately interjects as Dolly finishes, “When I tried speaking with the Dimitris, they just told me to buzz off and tossed me out into the backyard! They’re going to get a very stern talking to once they stop trouncing my things! Oh dog, I hope my bone collection’s okay.”

Oh to joy, I turn to Dawkins. “So it sounds like peace talks were less than peaceful then?”

“I’m afraid so,” he says dejectedly, “my attempts at delicate conversation with the Debbies were equally as unsuccessful. I saw them head into the kitchen after they...ran off. Did you happen to see them?”

“Yup,” I nodded, “said something about you telling them they just need to do their best instead of being the best?”

“Exactly! Those three are not required to prove themselves so much! Everyone in this house is special in their own way, they should know that.”

I sigh, patting the poor sod on the shoulder, “Tis alright brother, us men will never fully understand the complicated machinations that are the fairer sex.”

He blinks, slowly absorbing the absolute poppycock that spewed from my mouth.

“Did you have some bad kibble today, Dipper?”

A grumble erupts from my belly, “Lack of actually, didn’t have lunch. Might be why I’m so cranky today, sorry for that. I was making something but the prep work got spoiled by someone. Isn’t that right, Dylan.”

The dog tries his best to focus on a really interesting part of the back wall.

No one else notices my sleight verbal jab as Dawkins continues. “So what now? We’re no closer to a resolution than when we started!”

We just sat there ruminating before I responded.

“I dunno.”

 The three pups give me looks ranging from perplexed to annoyed.

“What do you mean you don’t know!” Dylan cried.

“We’re here busting our tails and you apparently got nothing?!” Dolly seethed.

God damn it, what do you want from me! “When did this become MY problem!”

“When we ran out of options!” Why are you busting my butt, dude?! Dang it Dawkins! Stop pushing this crap on me!

“You know what, FINE! You want an option? Here’s an option! Dylan confronts Triple D while Dolly goes to meet the Dimitris!”

There you guys, happy?!?

Dawkins tilts his head, “But we’ve tried talking to them already, they’re not cooperating!”

Apparently not.

“But not with the other party, maybe they’ll have a slight chance talking to the other team. Dolly’s more like the Dimitris and Dylan saved Triple D that one time so who knows! They might actually listen this time.” 

He considers the thought pensively, “...I guess that makes sense, in a way.”

“Then what are you guys waiting for? Chop chop!” The two pups begrudgingly go their separate ways.

“If I get thrown down the stairs, you’re paying for my medical bills, Dipper!” Dylan says from the stairs.

Dolly merely grumbles as she heads out, “Oh they think I’m too old do they? I’ll show them old school. They’ll see!”

Welp that’s two thirds of the triplets taken care of, let’s try three for three. “So Dawkins, did you happen to see the Debbies go through here?”

“I...have not. Were they not in the kitchen with you?”

“Theyyyyyy were....before they went off planning something ‘big’ for the other triplets.” 

“...Oh, kibbles.”

“Yeah we should probably go find them.” I say as we go to look for our next pain in the necks. Can’t be hard to find, just have to follow the sound of a disaster in the making. How hard can that be?

=+=

Three times.

We’ve scoured the entire house three times. Nothing.

Every corner. Every nook and cranny. Even the hidden ones! Absolutely zero signs. Where the fuck are these girls! We’ve passed by Dylan and Triple D several times now, the four seem to be talking it out. Dylan hasn’t been tossed down a flight so that was a silver lining, but our quarry was nowhere to be seen.

I met back up with Dawkins, “Anything?”

He shakes his head, “I’m afraid not. Strange, it’s not like them to disappear like this.”

“GAAAAAH! This is asinine! I don’t know, you know them better. What are they like?” I asked.

“Well, they’re usually more helpful, if you would believe.”

Ok, that's surprising.

My eyebrow jumps half an inch, “...how so?”

First time I heard about this, it appears that there’s more to the third set of triplets than I thought.

Dawkins nods, “Debbie-May used to help with snack times, baking dog safe treats for everyone. She always made sure the pups always had seconds. I still taste her peanut butter biscuits, absolutely exquisite!” He licked his lips at the memory. Sounds like that dog was quite the baker.

“Debbie-Lou?”

“She was our family seamstress, every article of clothing in this household has been made by her paws alone. See this collar? Her craftsmanship.” He shows me the band of his collar. Taking a closer look, the collar was actually custom made. Good god, that’s a lot of tailoring! The cabinet in the front was covered in dozens of spare collars. That girl must have saved this family a small fortune on outer wear alone.

“And...Lee?”

“That pup was something of a...maker of things. She just loved to make all kinds of crafted works so whenever someone needed something built, Lee would do so out of anything she could find: cardboard, tinfoil, even tennis balls! Dylan’s first space helmet was her creation! She would also work with Debbie-Lou in the creation of our collars, making custom dog tags for some of the more intricate attire like mine.” My thoughts go back to the show: Dolly’s boom night suit, Catatonia towers, the tinfoil hats in Dal-Martian. During the elections between Dylan and Dolly, Dallas had a cardboard booth covered in pink glitter and stickers made to look like a news reporter’s desk. Was that all her?

I take a moment to absorb all this new information. From what Dawkins had said, these three pups are several of the backbones of the Dalmatian family. Treats, clothes, and whatever crazy prop was needed for the week; it’s all them. Just as all the gadgetry is dependent on this pup here, just as everyone’s depending on Deepak to keep the peace.

But wait.

Something doesn’t add up.

“You talk about them in past tense.”

His ears wilted, “Yes, I suppose I did. After…certain circumstances, they neither would nor could help with such things anymore. It’s such a shame since those three were so talented at what they do. I’m not quite knowledgeable about the details but if you want to know more, you’ll have to ask the Debbies themselves.”

This was enlightening. Had I known this tiny tidbit of info, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. Of course hindsight’s a bitch and I didn’t even bother to ask. Balls, “And they’re not here right now to answer. Great. Just great. What are we going to do?!” 

I start pacing sporadically in frustration, so frustrated that I almost miss a small speck of yellow in the corner of my eye. There, at the front door! Something’s caught in the dog door. Making my way over with haste, the yellow thing appears to be a small scrap of paper. Small like confetti.

“Uh, Dawkins?” His ears raise on name calling. “I think we have strays.”

The pup looks alarmed. “W-what makes you say that?”

“This looks like some of Debbie-Lee’s confetti. Had to clean some up back in the kitchen. This piece was caught on the door.”

“Ah, kibbles!” He panics. “What are those three doing out! It’s almost winter, with the temperature dip they could catch ill! We can’t call Dylan or Dolly, they’re too busy with the other triplets! Oh, why is everything so COMPLICATED!”

I share the dog’s pain. We don’t want to interrupt Dolly or Dylan’s efforts right now, everything’s quiet, which is a good thing to not ruin at the moment. Dawkins would have to stay behind to make sure it stays that way. Crap baskets, looks like there’s really only one option. I am NOT looking forward to this.

“I’m going out there.”

Dawkins' eyes turn to pinpricks, “Dipper, no! We can’t have four pups absent this late right now, our parents will be home any minute!”

“All the more reason for me to go, someone needs to find them before they get too far. You stay here and keep the other triplets from tearing each other’s throats out.” I strap the dog hook onto my paw as well as wrap a spare scarf around my neck. “Don’t worry, I’ll be prepared.”

“Well...if you insist.”

With a trusty grappling hook in paw and winter garments donned, I stand on the precipice of the entrance. I don’t know where they are or where they’ll be. But I do know this. I have to get them back no matter the cost, no matter the price. They’re family and that’s all that matters. I press a paw on the scanner, ready to head out.

*BEEP*

And proceed to forget I’m technically locked in. Way to ruin a dramatic exit, front door! Resting my head on the offending slab of wood in tired vexation, a stale plea crinkles out of my muzzle. 

“Dawkins...help...please”

“Sorry, let me get that for you. We’ve been trying to put your scan in the system but it just doesn’t seem to register.” He scans his paw, the pad goes green in clearance. “It’s almost like your pawprint wasn’t made by a dog, strange isn’t it.” 

I only grumble as I slip out the dog door.

=+=

Dawkins wasn’t kidding about how cold it was outside, holy crap. 101 Dalmatian street must have wicked heating cause leaving the house was like exiting an airlock. This scarf was definitely not enough for this.

Should have brought a hat.

Worst part wasn’t the temperature, the air at least was probably around forty degrees. No, the problem was the wind. Air currents right now were a little more than just a small breeze, the draft biting at my fur which did nothing to fight the chill. And if finding three pups with who knows how far of a head start in this kind of weather was bad, the paper trail was absolutely gone. No traces of loose confetti was left anywhere on the concrete or the street.

This wild goose chase had run cold before it even started.

Wait no that’s not right, trail’s not on the ground it’s in the sky.

Looking up, a stream of yellow strips were dancing above the rooftops. The litter violation was close, it’s coming from the canal! I made my way as fast as I could, but walking in head wind had made the endeavor difficult. As an over hundred pound human, this would only be a slight annoyance.

Different story being a five pound dog.

Slowly I make my way down the streets of Camden, reaching the canal. There, on the bridge, were three dalmatian pups.

Doing the absolute dumbest move of walking on the railing. Why?!?!

The leader of the trio looks back at her sisters. “Lee! Your confetti’s getting everywhere! We don’t want to let the others know we’re heading out!”

“Sorry, May!” Lee screamed over the shrieking wind.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” I screamed louder.

“Great! Guess it’s too late now!” Debbie-May rolled her eyes. “What do you want!”

“WHAT I WANT?!?! I WANT TO KNOW WHAT DO THE THREE OF YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING OUT HERE!”

“We’re going to prove that we’re the toughest triplets out there!”

“OBVIOUSLY! GET BACK TO THE HOUSE, NOW! IT’S TOO DANGEROUS OUT HERE!”

Debbie-Lou scoffs. “Dog, you sound just like Dylan! Not until we show everyone else what we’re capable of!”

“OH YEAH CAPABLE OF DYING!”

“Well why don’t you go back-” Debbie-May doesn’t finish her rant as a strong gust pushes her off the siding, right over the bridge and falling down to the waters below. The next moment becomes a never ending nightmare as I helplessly watch each pup try to save their sister only to be dragged down beyond view.

“NO!” Immediately I grapple up onto the railing, hoping they haven't hit the waters below. Haven’t tried swimming in this new body and I’m not willing to risk the stress test right now.

A brief instance of relief washes over me as I see the three weren’t sitting ducks yet. The three pups were hanging by each other’s legs as Debbie-Lee held on for dear life to the party streamer ribbons now tied to the bottom of the bridge. 

“Thank dog I still have these babies, huh girls!” Lee cheered.

Unfortunately what relief we all felt was dashed as the paper started tearing, threatening the girls with the cold bath they just avoided taking.

“Help!”

“You gotta help us!”

“I DON’T WANNA DIE!”

“Hold on! I’ll get you up!” I called out.

“Oh, like we can do anything else!” Not helping May!

Ok, what can I do? If I use the grapple hook, they might get startled and slip. Can’t use it as a tether line either, the cable’s too slippery and one pup is not a good anchor to hold three.

Come on, think!

Maybe…

I fired the hook at the railing where I stood. Instead of reeling in, I ran down the bridge.

“Where are you going?!?!” Lou screeches in alarm.

“I’m going to try to swing down and catch you three! Just stay still!” Eyeballing the height, the cable should be about the same length with the ribbon now. Don’t have a measuring tape with me so I have to rely on instinct.

Hasn't steered me wrong before right?

…No, probably better to hope for the best.

There’s no time! One of the ribbons is already torn, leaving them hanging by the other.

I make the leap of faith, soaring down to the three.

Down halfway.

Down to their level.

And now I've passed them. Looks like I overestimated the length and now I’m sailing fast.

Right into the canal below.

I gargle river water for seconds before my momentum pulls me out. If the weather was bad, the waterway was so much worse as I swung; a cold pupsicle on a string. In my short stint of shock I clamped my paw, pulling me up above the water’s surface.

“Oh yeah, have a nice dip there, Dipper?” STILL NOT HELPING, MAY. Her banter is cut short when the last ribbon finally snaps, the three pups scream as they plummet. I flick the switch on the dog hook, the handle bars spring open.

“GRAB ON!” I yelled as I pivoted over. Debbie-May and Debbie-Lou each catch a handle bar while Debbie-Lee grips onto my neck. Gagging through the pain of becoming three times heavier, my paw holds firmly to pull us up. Only for the motor to freeze up. Damn it! The water must have frozen the battery! The three dogs screaming bloody murder in my ears helps very little.

Girls, please stop screaming.

Please? I’m begging you, please stop.

STOP PLEASE!

Our swings die down along with the girl's emotional state. 

Now it’s just four pups just hanging suspended on a bridge, one dripping wet and very cold.

“Why aren’t we going up?” Lou asks.

“Motor jammed. Can’t pull up automatically. You two are going to have to crank us up.” I glanced at the two pups on handlebars as both were the only ones with free paws, mine was keeping both me and Debbie-Lee from falling. They give each other a look before repositioning themselves to have better grip while reaching the crank. Slowly we make our way up, careful to not cause any unnecessary motions to the bridge. As we reach the railings, the three pups gradually climb off as I too touch down on solid ground. With the hook released, we were safe once again.

The three were quiet, abashed before Debbie-Lou spoke. “Thank you...for saving us.”

Debbie-May tried to crack a smile. “We really would have been totally brined, am I right?”

“Yeah, you were great!...oh.” Debbie-Lee tried to reassure, before she saw my frigid expression, pun not intended. My fur drips with excess water as I take a moment to stare daggers into the three troublemakers so they can feel how livid I was at them. From their shrinking expressions, it was working.

“Before we head back, I want to know why. Tell me why are you three doing this.”

Debbie-May stuttered, “W-we wanted to be the best-”

“Bullshit.” I interrupted at the shock of the three pups.

“You said a bad word!” cried Debbie-Lee.

“And I don’t care. This isn’t about the other triples and you know it. Something else is bothering you. Dawkins had told me how the three have been extremely helpful around the house.”

The three look completely surprised.

“But then you stopped. Now before I croak by hypothermia, you are going to tell me what’s wrong. I took a literal fall for you, I think I’m owed that at least.”

I turn to Debbie-May first. “You used to bake, why’d you stop?”

She chewed her lip, pausing before giving an answer. “Not like I wanted to,”  the pup sniffed, “of course I want to bake, but you try baking for several dozen other siblings. It takes an hour to bake enough for everyone and then it’s all gone in under a minute! They all want thirds and then fourths of my famous peanut butter biscuits, I’m getting sick and tired of peanut butter. I want to bake other things!”

“Like what?”

May rubs her paws, I can’t tell from the cold or from bashfulness. “I know it might be silly but one day...I wanted to try baking...chocolate chip cookies.” My eyes narrow.

“You do know that’s poison to us, right?”

“Yeah well not like it matters. I burned myself baking once, which was enough for Dylan to forbid me from using the oven anymore.” Oh that’s rough.

“Did you try non-baking baking? There’s still things you could make without fire.”

She jeers. “You think I haven’t tried? Made a no bake cheesecake once. Dylan caught me with the carving knife and tried to stop me,” she pulled the fur from her foreleg exposing a two inch scar, “I was lucky it didn’t cut a tendon. Mom made it forbidden for pups to use the knives afterwards.”

“That explains the knife ban. And the lip you gave me back at the kitchen.”

“Sorry.” May mumbles.

I then turned to Debbie-Lou, “You?”

She takes a deep breath. “We used to have this old sewing machine. Collars, hats, puppy dresses, worked on everything with that ancient fossil.” Strange I don’t remember any kind of sewing machine in the assorted piles of junk in the attic nor the basement.

“I’ll take it, the machine isn’t with us anymore.”

Debbie-Lou nods, “Saying it broke is putting it lightly. I accidentally pricked myself, one thing led to another, then before I knew it the machine fell off its table and started punching holes into the floor. Dolly had to ride the rampaging contraption all the way outside so the needle could break on the concrete. Went straight to the dumpster soon after. I’ve been trying to convince Dylan to buy another but everyone’s reluctant after the incident. He also says we have enough clothes to last our lifetimes and that a sewing needle was enough. I can’t really do much other than repairs and it takes forever to make anything substantial. I miss actually making clothes.”

Her head lowers in silence.

Now for the last one, “And what about you Debbie-Lee? Any banning stories or broken dreams?”

“Oh, nothing THAT serious~,” she tries to keep up a cheery façade but breaks soon after, “okay, Dylan doesn’t let me have glitter anymore.”

“Wait, I was sure you still used glitter before, what changed?”

If it wasn’t so cold, she’d be sweating out of chipper timidness. “I miiiigggghhht have tried to make a ‘glamour bomb’, to make decorating faster. One went off which Dylan took a week to clean out the mess. I’m still allowed to make stuff, but it just hasn't had that... pizzazz~ like it used to. It’s been harder still when all the creations you spend hours working on get thrown away after the fam is done with it. I get it with the cardboard stuff but some of these I put my heart into making them. Dylan rarely uses the helmet I made him anymore over his ‘Dog Star’ one! Dallas even said that glitter was overrated earlier, and I kinda...took exception. In hindsight, it probably wasn’t our best choice.”

Debbie-May sighs, “We’re just tired of being so...useless! It’s not fair! Half the pups cause worse problems and they get off scot free. We do what we do best and then get punished for it!”

“Are you going to tell Dylan we snuck off?” Debbie-Lou asked.

The three pups share a heartbroken glance, the consequence of their actions lorded over them. 

I contemplated.

These three did run off without telling anyone where they were going. If I hadn't been here, there could have been the grim possibility of three drowned bodies found in the morning or not at all. That’s not a pleasant thought to have. Couldn’t imagine the grief and anguish the family would be in if even one pup kicked the bucket. But judging from their recollections, this was a powder keg in the making waiting to blow. And we know how troubled pups work out for the family let alone three. I take a labored breath as I give my answer.

“No.” They looked at me with brief hope, “You three are going to tell him. You need to take accountability for your own actions,” only to be despondent at my answer, “but don’t fret. If you can show how responsibly you can handle this, I’ll do my best to help you with your problems, I promise.”

The triplet collectively gasps before I’m buried in dalmatian paws, wet fur brushing against dry.

“You’re the best, bro!”

“We really appreciate it, Dipper!”

“THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!”

Well at least they’re grateful, “Alright alright, you girls can let go now. Don’t want you three to get wet and catch a cold.” The three release me, giddier than before. “Oh and don’t forget to apologize to Dawkins, he was just trying to help.”

“Okie dokie!” they say in unison.

“Good, then let’s *cough* head back.” I turn to lead the way back to the house.

=+=

“I’m sorry *cough*, the heck?”

When we arrived back, there was a large commotion happening in the main hall. All the other pups were cheering like there was some kind of competition going on. Looking in, it most definitely was some kind. Triple D and the Dimitris were in the center, facing off in synchronized dance off, DJ on his piano providing accompaniment. And to top it all off, the oldest pups were encouraging the whole thing.

“Show them what you’re made of, Triple D!” Dylan shouted.

“Those pompous pups are making us look like chumps! Pick up that slack!” Dolly roused.

Dawkins was on the sidelines, looking nervous. When he spots us from the hall, he walks over and sheepishly smiles. I frowned.

“Dawkins, what...what is... *cough* I thought *cough cough* you got this.”

He twiddles his paws, “Talks were going fine at first, at least Dylan was willing. Dolly...not so much. She, along with the Dimitris, challenged Triple D to a ‘triplet off’. Dylan tried to protest, but Dolly goaded him on how he lost his nerve when he got thrown out of the treehouse. And well, here we are.” I. What. How! Of all the idiotic garbage, I’ve had to deal with today! Why are they still on this! It’s not even that important! If this shit keeps on spinning off the ceiling fan, I’m going to have a hernia.

And then they started rapping.

“ Hey, you! ”

“ Three Dimitris think you’re all so tough! ”

“ When all you guys are. ”

“ Is just a bunch of little balls of fluff. ”

“ You think you’re hot stuff ”

“ When all you do is revel. ”

“ If you learned some manners. ”

“ Maybe then you can get on our level. ”

The crowd cheered, amused at Triple D’s opening statement. The Dimitris start their turn.

“ Hey, you! ”

“ Triple D here getting all cocky .” 

“ Even though. ”

“ You all sound so squawky! ”

“ You know what we think? ”

“ You’re all just a bunch of itty bitty scaredy cats! ”

“ When you want to know how to be the real deal .”

“ Let us top dogs show you where it’s at! ”

“SHUTUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!” 

Everyone looks to the hallway as the music screeches to a halt. All eyes on the wet ragged pup, fuming from where he stood.

“Dipper wha-” Dylan tries to say something but gets cut off.

“SHUT UP! OH MY GOD I DON’T CARE! ALL YOU’RE DOING IS ARGUING ABOUT POINTLESS GARBAGE!”

Dolly tries to retort, “Hey now that's not fa-”

“YOU TWO WERE SUPPOSE TO STOP THIS! *COUGH* AND HERE YOU ARE EGGING THEM ON!”

“Dipper, you’re frightening the rest of the pups!” Dawkins pleads. Some of the pups start whimpering.

“I ALMOST *COUGH* DIED TODAY! WHAT, YOU THINK I TAKE A SWIM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE COLD FOR FUN!” He flinches at that.

A paw presses onto my shoulder, “WHAT!” I rounded onto whoever decided this was a good time to interrupt my shit. My anger weakens when I see the Debbies, now terrified and huddling together.

“Please.” Debbie-May’s paw was pulling back, spooked at my outburst. Debbie-Lee had her eyes shut tight, weeping silently as Debbie-Lou tried to comfort her, who wore a worried look herself.

…

I try to take several strained deep breaths, my throat itching uncomfortably. Damn, might have caught something, “I’m cold *COUGH*, I’m hungry *COUGH COUGH*, and I’m very very tired. I’m just going to find someplace to retire today, I don’t feel too good.” I head off down the hall to find someplace to crash. At least I tried. Vertigo sweeps in as my head feels light. Hey look! Everyone has triplets now, even the triplets! And why is the floor coming to greet me?

“DIPPER!”

A loud thud reverberates my skull, well it was loud to me seeing as it was my skull that reverberated. It’s getting very hard to stay awake as the other pups start closing in, you know you think my consciousness would start fading wait no no there it is...

=+=

It’s dark.

…

I can’t tell what time it is. Is it morning or is it evening.

Everything feels so muddy.

What happened? 

…

Oh right, I passed out.

It’s hard to think.

Head hurts.

…

Hold on, I hear something.

“.elbats eh sI”

Wait what?

“.enif mees slativ sih ,wonk t'nod I”

I’m sorry I can’t understand you.

“!ecneics fo daeh eht teG”

What’s going on? Anyone! Hello?

“.tropsnart rof ydaer si tcejbuS”

“!ybab ,ko eb ot gniog er'uoY”

…

Mom?

“...h...co...to!”

“Snerk!” I snerked.

Weakly, my eyes cracked open. Where am I? My senses are dull, but I can tell I’m laying on something soft. Throughout the room, a sea of messy red browns and beige swim through hazy vision. Can’t seem to recognize shapes yet. Hold on, now I see spots. Oh god, I’m seeing spots! No wait, those spots are attached to an arm. Someone pats my head, the contact was warm to the touch. I think someone’s checking my temperature. I can’t tell, everything is blobs now.

“Drink up now.”

Something was pushed up to my mouth, the chill of water running over my lips. I let the fluids in, the crisp liquid felt heavenly down my throat realizing how dehydrated my body was. God that feels good. Feebly I turn my head to thank whoever’s nursing me back to health. My eyes finally focus enough to make out a figure, an attempt to call out that only comes out as a faint croak.

“Mommy?”

“Oh dear, it's been a while since one of the pups called me that!”

A very distinctly not-my-mom motherly chuckle arose from my right.

I moan, if not from the headache, it’s from the horrible embarrassment I was feeling right now.

“Hey Missus Dalmatian.”

Good thing my cheeks were already red.

Delilah smiled, “I wasn’t trying to mock you. I'm just glad you were well enough to think of me so closely.”

You know, that actually doesn’t help.

Better to power through it, “What happened? I remember hitting the floor, then…”

“You certainly gave all of us quite a scare! First thing I find when getting home, the family is panicking over an unconscious pup.” She puts the empty cup away. “Had to move you to the medical room. Luckily, your fever is dying down now.” I look around, my vision returning at about eighty percent. Still have this nasty watery glare at the corners. From what I can see, it looks like I’ve been relocated to the same room when Dolly had that leg cast and cone. Even on the same bed cabinet thing she used if my elevation was any indication. Sunbeams pierced through the window, illuminating the room while giving it a warm homey mood.

Wait.

“How long was I out?”

It was cloudy the last time I was outside. For all I know I could have been out for days.

“You were out for around twelve hours, it’s almost noon.”

Huh, thought it would take longer to recover from a fever strong enough to knock a puppy unconscious.

“Don’t you have work?”

Last time I checked, nurses don’t even get weekends off and this was not a weekend.

“Well, a mom can’t go to work if one of her pups isn’t well, now can she.” Still very embarrassing. I’m sure the degenerates back home would have given their arm and leg to call her that. Those same degenerates were also still in their homes, enjoying the safe conformities of being human. Can’t lie though, I still get happy heebie jeebies whenever she speaks to me as part of the family.

Speaking of family.

“Did...did the others tell you what happened?”

She nodded, “Had to pry it out of them but yes, the other pups told me. Don’t worry, Triple D and the Dimitris have already apologized to each other yesterday.”

Well that’s a relief.

Now what about the rest.

“And...the Debbies?”

“...yes. I was greatly disappointed in them for what they did at first, but after they explained their reasons, I understood why.” Ah good. They were true to their words. “I’m also disappointed in you, somewhat.” Crap. “You should have gone to get help as soon as possible. It was reckless what you did, you could have died! And now you’ve caught ill. What do you have to say about yourself, young dog?”

“...Sorry…”

“Well, you did make it out in one piece and the Debbies are safe. For that, you have my gratitude.” She leans in, wrapping a foreleg around my neck and pulling me close to her chest. The beat of her heart softly drummed in my ear.

“Thank you, for saving my pups.”

I didn’t say anything during the hug. I mean, what can I say? Saying “You’re welcome” sounds too dismissive. So I didn’t say anything. My stomach on the other hand decided now was an excellent time to remind me I’m running on empty.

Delilah chuckles once again, “Goodness! Someone must be hungry, at least your appetite returned. I know you hadn’t had breakfast this morning or dinner last night but when was the last time you ate?”

I try to think of the last time I had fuel in my belly, “I was trying to make myself lunch yesterday…I’m sorry about the knife ban, I didn’t know.”

“Dylan did tell me about that when I asked why there was a paring knife stuck in the kitchen floor.” She sighs. “After what happened to Debbie-May, I had to keep the blades away from the rest of the pups. Never thought his insistence for responsibility would be the cause of all this. Now, well, I guess I’m going to have to give the restriction another once over.”

“...raising pups is complicated, huh?”

“I’ll say!” She laughs, “The Debbies have been helping me nurse you back to health.”

“...As punishment?”

“Because they wanted to help their savior. You sure are a troubled pup, Dipper. Where did you grow up?”

“...America.” she snorted.

“Well I don’t think that's very fair now, is it?” We shared a laugh between the two of us. Well a laugh and a cracked hacking chortle, my throat is still dry.

“...so what have those three been doing?”

“Debbie-Lou made you that blanket last night to keep you warm. She would have made you an entire matching pillow set and mattress too if I hadn’t stopped her!”

Wow an entire blanket, all for me! Girl works real fast, and this thing’s baby soft too. 

“Debbie-Lee was by your side the whole time. She asked Deepak for some mineral salts, saying it’d help with the fever.”

I crane my eyes down to the floor, a wet basin and a well rung towel had been set aside. 

“Oh! Speaking of lunch, if you’re wondering where Lee is right now, she’s with Debbie-May who’s making your get well meal with Debbie-Lou. I let them know you’d be up soon so the three went to prepare you something to fill your belly. They didn’t tell me exactly what they were making, only that it was a surprise.”

uh oh. I know they mean well, but not sure the warm dog food special was good sustenance for someone with a recovering stomach.

“...I’m not sure I can really eat kibble right now.”

Delilah claps her paws together, “Don’t worry, I let the Debbies have permission to use the kitchen. Dylan was anxious about letting pups around an open flame but when I told him they were doing it for you, he said he’d supervise their efforts. Debbie-May’s not only a wonderful baker, she’s an excellent cook. Whatever she’s cooking, it smells delicious! So you have nothing to worry your sick ailing head over.”...alright if you say so, dog mom.

Several footsteps approach from the hallway, “Sounds like they’re here already!” Three puppy heads peer nervously around the doorway. “You three can come in, he’s stable.”

“...hey girls.” I said feebly.

They brightened considerably at my conscious state, slowly swarming in. Debbie-May was dragging a tray on wheels, my meal trailing behind her. 

Delilah turns to address the pups. “Remember, be gentle. Dipper just woke up so his body is still recovering, I’m counting on you to take care of him now.”

“No sweat, the Debbies are ready for anything!” Debbie-May salutes.

“We’ll be careful, Mom.” Debbie-Lou nods.

“You can count on us!” Debbie-Lee beams brightly.

Satisfied, the nurse heads to the hallway. “Then I’ll leave you to it. If you need any help, come get me as soon as possible, alright?” The pups wave their mom goodbye before she leaves.

Then there were four, awkwardly looking at one another. I stared at them. They stared at me. Repeat for several minutes. One raised a paw to say something.

“...hey.”

“...hey.” I answered back.

Back to more silence.

Still, progress is progress. 

Debbie-May breaks the standstill as she clears her throat, “We...brought you food.”

“I heard, thank you.”

Even more silence.

“Can I... have some?”

That seems to snap her out of the funk, “Oh, right! One moment.”

May brings the tray over, attaching it to the side of the bed. The two others split off, Debbie-Lee went to the basin while Debbie-Lou stood over me.

“I, uh… made you this pillow.” She pulls out a small cushion, perfect for a small dog’s head.

My eyebrows raise up my forehead.

“I thought mom was kidding when she said you’d make a pillow and an entire mattress. You have a doggy bed hiding somewhere?” I jest.

“Well…” she giggled, “no we don’t...unless you want one. Here, let me just...” With the lightest touch she could muster, Lou lifts my neck and places the pillow underneath. Like resting on a cloud.

“...I’m...sorry. For snapping at you three. You didn’t... deserve that.” I try to apologize.

May scoffs it off, “It’s fine. No really it is! Even I was ready to trounce the other triplets right before you went off on them.”

“Besides,” Debbie-Lee comes up to dab my forehead with a damp towel, “you weren’t exactly doing all too well yesterday, now were you~?” She boops my nose to emphasize her statement.

“I’ll bet.” I chuckled dryly. “...So what’s this then? From what mom said, it sounds good.”

“Alright, so we noticed you were trying to boil something yesterday back in the kitchen. So we wanted to try and prepare what you were making.” I frowned.

“But you don’t know what I was trying to make.”

“It actually wasn’t that hard to find out.” She smiled smugly. “Remember, I’m a cook too. I could make a decent guess.” May took off the cover of the tray, a delectable smell wafted my nose as steam washed over me. The fog cleared, revealing my meal.

Chicken rice porridge.

It was chicken rice porridge. They were actually able to recreate chicken rice porridge. These three pups had boiled a well made chicken rice porridge, with chopped chicken bits and vegetables and everything. I’m going to stop saying chicken rice porridge now, it’s getting old. Also…

“You used the ingredients I bought.”

“I mean…it’s what you wanted.”

“Not actually angry right now, don’t have the energy. Was going to make it myself anyways so thanks. It looks good!” I moved to sit up so I could dig into this wonderful meal. Problem was, I couldn’t. “Uh, girls?”

“What’s up?” Debbie-May asks. 

“Why can’t I move?” No matter how hard I try to wring my paws out of the fabric cocoon, I just couldn’t. So here I am, a wrapped up puprito wriggling indignantly.

This time Debbie-Lou answers. “Your body needed warmth. The blanket had to be wrapped tightly so the heat didn't escape, or at least that’s how mom explained it. I...might have overdone it a bit...sorry.”

“So how am I going to eat?” May lifts a spoon full of soup with a wide grin. “You’re loving this aren’t you?”

“You did yell at us. Think of it as, oh how did Deepak say, karma!”

“...I’m too tired to argue.” I opened my mouth as wide as I could. “Please don’t stab my throat.”

She giggles, “Don’t worry, I’ll be gentle.” Ok brain, no time for dirty jokes. You need nourishment.

True to her word, Debbie-May carefully rested the silverware in my mouth, easing in the food for me to swallow. After days of dog food, days of cold sandwiches. I finally had a warm meal, and it might be hunger speaking right now but it tasted heavenly . I could feel the warm clam broth filling my belly. Have you ever felt that? Whenever you are famished where you drink water to curb the hollowness and the liquid flows over the lining of your stomach. Imagine that but hearty. Mmmmmm, soup.

We stayed like that for a while. Debbie-May spoon feeding the big ol’ sick dog baby, Debbie-Lee periodically keeping my forehead damp, and Debbie-Lou was… singing a lullaby?

“Say Debbie-Lou, what is that?”

She stops, “Oh!...It’s just a little melody I’d sing whenever any of us would feel down. I can stop if you want...”

“No no! Don’t! It sounds lovely. Please, go on.” She blushes as she tries to hide behind her ears in embarrassment. Ha, ‘shrinking violet’. Get it! Cause her headband was purple ok stopping now. Lou continues her song. It was melancholy, just a scattered arrangement of long notes but soothing still. Soon the other Debbies join in, turning the wistful solo into a soothing stereo choir as I finish the last of the porridge.

A voice calls out from the hall, “Ah I see our sick pup is in good paws! Any troubles?” Delilah returns!

Debbie-May answered, “No problems here!”

Then Debbie-Lou, “Dipper’s been an excellent patient, mom.”

“Even finished all his food!” Debbie-Lee cheered.

“I’m a big boy now!” I joked. That gets everyone to chuckle.

“You sure are. And a popular one too! Seems you got two more visitors.” She turns to the hallway. “You pups can come in, he’s awake now!” In comes the eldest pups of the house.

“Oh thank dog, you’re okay!” Dylan sighed in relief.

I smile down at the two, “Yup...still kicking.”

Delilah smiles as she turns to me, “Dylan and Dolly have been worried since yesterday so I’ll leave you pups to catch up. Debbie-May, Debbie-Lou, Debbie-Lee? Once you’re done can you help me downstairs?” She says as she heads off, probably to look after the rest of the pups.

Awkwardness must be more contagious today than whatever I caught, cause the two also freeze up the moment their mom left. Was it because the Debbies are here? I thought they made up with each other already.

Dylan taps the floor, “...So you seem better today.”

“You sure gave us all a real scare when you fell!” Dolly said, avoiding eye contact.

I look between the two pups before turning to the Debbies, “You girls can go.”

“You sure?” Debbie-Lou asked nervously.

“I’ll be fine, go help your mother.” One by one, they hesitantly head down the hall. Debbie-Lee leaves the damp towel on my head before she too follows her sisters. Dylan and Dolly let out a breath of relief as the trio left.

“Ok, what’s going on? They’re your sisters, I thought everyone settled their apologies already. Why are you two like this?” I asked.

Dylan looks downwards hesitantly, “Sorry, Dipper. It’s just...I feel really bad.”

“Yeah. After the Debbies explained why they went out, it was just so hard to tell them.” Dolly joined her brother in feeling abashed.

“I assume you told them they still couldn’t partake in their hobbies, right?” They nod. I sigh.

Dylan goes into classic Dylan mode again, “We have rules for a reason! I can’t in good conscience let any of the pups get harmed ever again! Even glitter is dangerous, it’s a micro pollutant for dog’s sake!”

“I know Dylan’s being over protective, but I’m definitely not ready to handle another runaway sewing machine again.” Dolly shivers at the thought.

“Well unfortunately, that’s what I wanted to discuss with you guys,” they make a motion to protest, “and before you say anything, hear me out. I’ve got several ideas on how we can make sure they’re enjoying their hobbies AND keep them safe at the same time.”

Dolly smirks, “You doing another ‘Classic Dipper’ thing, bro?” …huh?

“Classic Dipper?” I have a trademark now?

“Yeah! Classic Dipper, like classic Dylan! You seem to always go out of your way to help everyone you can, especially at your own expense!” She snickered.

“It’s so weird to hear that about someone else for a change.” Dylan mumbled.

“What? Should I be getting royalties or something?” 

The two pause at that.

“You know I don’t know what that means, dude.” Dolly said flatly.

“Like the royal corgis?” Dylan asked.

I cough, more out of annoyance than from being actually sick, “Forget it. Look, I’m going to start when I get better but I’ll go through the details with you guys now. You in or what?” They smile.

Dylan puts a paw to his chest, “If we can make it up to the Debbies, we’re behind you hundred and one percent!”

“You can count on us!” Dolly salutes.

“Great! Oh, before we begin, can you two get me out of this blanket?”

“Why?”

“Cause I really need to use the bathroom.”

=+=

And so a day later, I was up and running! Man was puppy physiology great stuff.

You know what else was great, express next day delivery! We were able to procure all the items we needed for the Debbies which Dolly and Dylan helped me set it all up in record time. If I ever get home with all this compensation, I’m retiring early. So now all six of us were in the kitchen; the Debbies sitting in a row, Dylan and Dolly on the sidelines, and lastly, me.

“So me and Dylan have been talking, and we’ve come to an agreement. If I can provide a way for you to do your hobbies safely, he’ll allow it.”

The three squeal in joy, giggling with barely contained excitement.

“Alright alright, settle down now. Debbie-May.” She looks up in attention. I pull out a pair of gloves from behind my back. “I asked...Dad if there were any spare gloves down at the fire station. These should be fireproof, perfect for the kitchen. While they might not fit right now, I’m sure we can fashion a pair of oven mitts and an apron from the material.”

“Oh my dog, thank you so much, Dipper!” Debbie-May cried.

If she liked that, wait till she gets a load of my other gift.

“That's not all, I also got these suckers!” I go to take out a bag of brown chips and a powder can from the cupboards. “Give it a whiff.”

The baker takes in the scent, mulling over the aroma before her eyes go wide in shock.

“Chocolate?!” Dylan showed signs of alarm and was about to butt in before I held a paw to stop him.

“Close! But I do understand the confusion.”

I tear open the bag, taking one of the chips and popping it into my mouth.

The look of absolute horror on everyone’s face made the sweet sweet taste all that more satisfying.

“This my dear sister is actually something called Carob, an ingredient very similar to chocolate in flavor minus one specific detail.” I swallow. “It is one hundred percent, credible canine consumption certified!”

And now they’re confused.

“It’s safe for dogs to eat.”

Takes a minute to register but when it does, Debbie-May’s eyes light up.

“Chocolate chip cookies?”

“Chocolate chip cookies.” I reaffirmed.

Both paws reach up with glee, “Chocolate chip cookies!” Her sisters congratulate her as she celebrates.

“Now try to hold off on baking until we can get your safety apparel made. Speaking of making apparel, you guys follow me. Debbie-Lou’s gift is upstairs.”

=+=

“Alright, your present is inside this room.” I explain as we head down to the back of the hall.

Our little group had to move up onto the first floor where the gift was stashed. We all enter in, only Debbie-Lou stops at the doorway when she sees what I got her.

Inside was a brand new sewing machine, state of the art and latest of its series.

“Uh uh! I’m not dealing with another one of these! First time is the last time!” Dolly shrieked. “This is going straight to the dumpster before it goes haywire!”

I hold her back before she does something drastic, “Wait! Hold on! I heard the last incident had happened cause Debbie-Lou pricked her paw on the needle! So I made sure to buy one with a needle guard. Look!”

I motion to the small plastic case surrounding the sharp implement. “See? Shouldn’t be a problem! Heck, it even has an auto loading feature, just watch.” 

I take a spare spool of thread, loading the string in and wrapping the end on an apparatus near the needle. With a flip of a switch the string disappears into the machine along with the needle.

A second later, the needle reemerges threaded inside it’s transparent cage.

“Ta da! What do you think?” I asked the seamstress.

She doesn’t respond.

Walking up to her blank expression, her eyes were fixed on the sewing machine. “Hello? Earth to Lou? Anyone in here?”

As a joke, I put my ear up to her head. Joke’s on me though when she grabs mine and squeezes. Hard. Goes like a stress toy as my eyes bug out between her paws.

“I LOVE IT!” She screams.

 A moment later she lets go and is on the machine in a blink of an eye, checking all the features her new gift had to offer. My paws stumble to get their footing, having witnessed the split second action first hand. Girl could juice a grapefruit with those legs. Still puts a smile on my now thoroughly abused face how much she’s gushing over the thing.

“Well, I’ll leave these to your expertise!” I hand Debbie-Lou the gloves. “Debbie-May can stay here for measurements while I give Debbie-Lee her gift. Oh! Almost forgot! After you’re done with her kitchen gear, there was one thing I was thinking of.” I lean in to whisper the request in her ear.

She gasps, “That sounds perfect! I can do that, easy-peasy. Especially with this beauty.” Lou hugs the sewing machine, already attached I see.

“Good to hear! There’s supplies for it under the table. Debbie-Lee? I’ll show you your gift down in the main room.”

=+=

“Alright I’ll be honest. I was not too sure what to get you.”

Lee’s ears droop. “I couldn’t convince Dylan to give you back glitter and really it’s for the better. Glitter gets into everything .”

She starts whimpering, puppy eyes watering. Crap, please don’t cry. “BUT I did get you this.”

I pulled out a strange contraption, something that was a combination of a blow dryer and a power drill all stylized in a sheek seamless white coat. A clear plastic case full of shiny multi shaped rhinestones was visible in the cartridge.

“...what is it?” She asked.

Giving the doohickey a good hard look, “Good question. Box said it’s supposed to be a ‘bedazzler gun’. Here, let me just show you.”

I remove my collar and place it at the end before locking it in place.

Pulling the trigger, the cylinder turns which leads to a loud click.

Taking the collar out revealed a shimmering blue square where it was clamped. “See? Just like that, bet Triple D would love this. The manual also says it has a built-in system for non-flush surfaces so you can stick these anywhere you can reach.”

With the slide of a nob, a mechanism locks in place as the nozzle extends. “Refills are pretty cheap in bulk so let me know when you get low on rhinestones, ok?...Lee?”

Something long and wet runs up the side of my cheek, as the bedazzler is snatched from my paw. A series of rapid fire clicks later and a pair of limbs wraps around me. I can only sit there, stunned. She had given me a lick, seized the bedazzler gun, used it, and then embraced me, all happening in the span of three seconds.

“Thank you.” Debbie-Lee whispered as she hugged me tighter. There’s a glare in my eyes, I look up to see what’s causing it. The energetic pup had bedazzled a small black and yellow symbol onto her headband; a sparkling bee. How fitting.

She scurries off after releasing me, the sounds of breakneck rhinestone application echoed in the distance. My smile dims at the contemplation of what bedazzled hell I had just unleashed onto the Dalmatian family home….eh. As long as she’s happy.

Dylan and Dolly approach from behind, “Wow! I have to say, Dipper, you sure outdid yourself this time.”

“Yeah! Never saw those three so happy before. Hope you give my gift as much thought!” Dolly rubs her paws together.

“Well you’re going to have to tell me, I’m not a mind reader.” I head back to the stairs. “There’s just one more thing to wrap up.” The two pups look puzzled.

“Wait, I thought you already gave the Debbies everything. What else is there to give?” Dylan asked.

I smiled.

=+=

“Heeeey, Dawkins?”

The pup in question turns from the contraption he was working on, “Oh, Dipper! What seems to be the matter?” He looks at all four of us. “And does it concern the Debbies? I thought everyone apologized already.”

“I know they’ve probably asked for your forgiveness, but...we wanted to show rather than tell.” The three pups behind me nodded vigorously.

He chuckles. “It’s quite alright, you three! I know it can be hard not to be appreciated for your efforts, trust me.”

“I mean yeah, just...I’ll let them do the talking.” I move to the side as the Debbies approach. Can’t take all the thunder.

Debbie-Lou steps forward, “We just wanted to say sorry again for blowing you off like that, you were just trying to help.”

“I’m telling you, it’s fine-” he’s cut off as Lou raises a paw.

“We know, but we wanted to give you something to make amends,” She takes an incomplete doll out from behind, “we know how much she meant to you, so we tried to make you a new one.”

Dawkins gasps, “Princess Positron! I-I...I don’t know what to say...” Tears well up in his eyes.

“I sewed most of the fabric while Debbie-Lee helped with the accessories. Debbie-May wasn’t able to help, so she wanted you to try her first batch of dog safe chocolate chip cookies. The princess here is almost finished but we were wondering if you’d want to complete her.” 

He pulls out a plastic eye, placing the piece in the circular single lens glasses frame of the doll. It clicks in place, a perfect fit.

Dawkins embraces the three Debbies, “I...can’t thank you three enough!”

“Don’t just thank us three!” Debbie-May points to me. “Dipper came up with the idea. He even bought the material too, including the voicebox!” He turns the doll around to reveal the plastic cord. With a tug, the toy plays it’s signature catchphrase.

“Positronly!”

Dawkins gives me a smile, “Thank you, Dipper.” The four pups open up a space in their group cuddles.

“Hey this is your moment! Not mine.” They start approaching. “Wait wait WAIT-GAKK!” And now they’ve trapped me in their paws, rubbing each other’s cheeks into my fur.

Debbie-Lee giggles, “Admit it, you love this!”

I sigh.

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

Chapter Text

*vrrrrr* *Ding*

Oh thank god it’s green.

“Finally! The scanner works!” Dylan exclaimed, wiping his brow. “Fueh! That took forever.”

“I’ll say! It was such a puzzling conundrum that your pawprint just doesn’t seem to register in the database.” Dawkins said.

Over the course of my several week stay, the three of us have workshopped no less than seventeen times, each taking over two hours of painstakingly scanning my paw in different ways to see if the blasted machine could file my print in the system. We’ve tried front paws, then back paws, then front paws again but upside down. Even tried scanning my face as a joke once. Dawkins wasn’t amused.

So after countless tests and wasted hours of analysis, I tossed out the idea that maybe we should scan my print as a human, little more than a quip on my part.

Guess what worked.

“Alright now that’s over with, you two can go meet with the rest of the family. I’ll go make us all popcorn.” Dylan says as he heads off to the kitchen.

Dawkins taps his chin, “Oh, I wonder what we’re going to watch tonight!”

I chuckle, “We’ll just have to see what the rest of the pups want.”

Every Saturday, the Dalmatian family would set up an old television and choose something to watch for the next few hours before bedtime. Had I not been dealing with the ridiculous shenanigans the pups wring me into, the dog parents informed me that I’d probably find out about this tradition eventually. That or the fact the remote got lodged in the tv one late Friday morning by a terribly distressed Dolly, who informed me about the critical situation she was going to be in if it was found out that she had just ruined movie night. Girl even had the audacity to tell me not to let Dylan know about what the pup did, saying he’d snitch. I retorted that he’d find out eventually, to which she begged and pleaded and even tried to use her favor for the family. I sighed and ordered a flat screen.

Heck, since this was going to be my gift to her, I decided to go the extra mile. Paid for protective screen coating so this shit doesn’t happen again and got myself a big fat subscription bundle that was on winter sale; Netflix, Disney+, the works all for twelve months premium at a cheap price of 9.99$ a month. Man what a deal. Although, I don’t remember the premium ever going this low. Yet another reminder that this be some strangely similar yet separate reality from mine.

…

Eh whatever, gift horse and all that. Yay streaming!

When prompted by the parents as to why we had a new tv, I told them the old one had a little…accident. Gave them a heartfelt spiel about how Dolly had pleaded with me about urgency to fix the problem before the upcoming movie night when asked why we didn’t let them know beforehand. Must be getting better at using this silver tongue cause they just accepted the outcome. Who’s going to complain about free telly and shows right? Dolly merely strangled me with affection, threatening to return the favor from the absolute solid I did for her. How nice.

Dawkins and I slowly made our way to the living room where the rest of the family resided. The other pups were debating among themselves on what flick to watch for the evening.

“Paw Patrol!”

Did I say debate? I meant they shouted out movie titles to see if one sticks.

“No! The Secret Life of Pets!”

“Bolt!”

“Beverly Hills Chihuahua!”

“Ugh! No way, Destiny! We’ve seen that twice already!”

Man these dogs and their dog flicks. Some of these aren’t even the good ones.

“I prefer Mr. Peabody & Sherman myself!” Thank you Dawkins for your mediocre taste. “Or maybe some Wallace & Gromit.” Ok, better mediocre taste.

Even Doug added his suggestion, “Why not Lady and the Tramp? Reminds me of our first date.”

“Oh, you! Our first date was nothing like that!” Delilah noses her husband, much to the collective displeasure of the pups.

“I know! Let’s watch Air Bud!” As expected of Dolly, the sports hound.

“I don’t know, can we watch something that isn’t a dog movie?” Oh thank god one of these pups has some decent rationale.

“Maybe we can watch a cat movie this time! How about the Aristocats!”

“Of course you’d say that Deepak.”

“Hey Dipper, what do you think?” Wait what?

All eyes in the room are now beamed on me. The whole family waits for an answer to the one pup who could care less. And now I’m getting speech flashbacks. Curse you high school!

“Wh-why?” I asked.

Delilah smiled, “Well we’ve never actually let you choose before, now that I think about it. We have to give every pup a chance! You also paid for the setup so it’s only fair.” 

Oh well geez, put me on the spot why don’t you, much obliged.

Now all the pups are going to have…expectations. I can’t let them think I’m square. What, that’s not that bad you say? How would you like it if over a hundred people you meet and see everyday know about your taste in media and think it’s garbage.

If it’s anything other than shame, you’re either lying or weird. 

Alright, what's a good kids movie, something kids would like?

Animated is probably a safe bet, most of their suggestions were animated and honestly, I like animation.

Parents are here so I could increase the rating up to PG, no need to suffer any watered down entertainment tonight.

Maybe I can pull out a classic from the ol’ Dipper library

…I’ve been a dog for too long.

“Why not How to Train Your Dragon?” I finally say.

Doug rubs his chin, “Huh, can’t say I’ve seen that one before.” WHAT.

That’s a crime against animation lovers, “How can you NOT have seen How to Train Your Dragon!”

“Well, we’ve only been watching local channels on the previous tube and we’ve never been to the theaters before. I’m not even sure dogs are even allowed inside!” 

Right we’re dogs. Not like we can get access to human media so easily. What have these guys been watching anyways, BBC? Heck, this movie is probably older than most of these pups.

“That’s it, we’re rectifying this immediately.” 

I go grab the remote only for Delilah to gently take it from my paws, “Now hold your horses! We have to check the weather report first, then we can watch your movie.” She flips to the local news channel. Judging from the tweed man’s report, looks like it’s going to snow tomorrow. Then again, this is London. If I remember that winter episode correctly, the weather was unpredictable and sad. Who knows what could happen.

…wait, I don't care. Last time I went outside, I caught a really bad cold. Never was a fan of the outdoors anyways. Elements can go suck it!

An alert flashes on the screen, “We interrupt this forecast to bring a caution warning to the local London area. Eyewitness reports say of a large black mass having been spotted stalking the streets of Camden, calling it the ‘Beast of Camden Town’. Citizens are advised to keep calm and carry on with their daily lives. Should they see anything suspicious, they are to contact the local authorities immediately.”

Delilah looks concerned, “Oh dear, that sounds terrible! Dog, who knows what’s out there.”

Doug tries to comfort her, “Don’t worry sweetheart! I’m sure it’s just some human crying wolf…actually that’s even more alarming.”

“Better to side with caution then. Everyone! No pup is allowed outside without an escort until further notice!”

The pups cried out in dissatisfaction.

Da Vinci seemed especially peeved, “But I was going to bring Lisa with me to finish that mural down near the station!”

Wait who?

“Who’s Lisa?” I asked.

“Oh! That’s what I call the drone you got me. It didn’t feel right to call it drone all the time so I gave it a name.”

Hm. Lisa. Da Vinci. I get it. That’s cute.

“Sorry Sweets, I know your art’s really important to you but you might have to get an extension on that commission.” Dog mom said. “You can send a woof in the morning.” 

Reluctantly she nods, taking a seat next to DJ.

“Guess who’s got popcorn!” It was at this moment that Dylan came in with several bowls of overflowing microwave goodness balanced on his head and back. The family cheers up significantly at the call of buttered snack food. Several tackle him to the ground, doing an amazing job at not spilling any as they take their share. The eldest pup gets up, having somehow saved a bowl from the onslaught before, takes a seat next to us.

“What did I miss?” he asks.

“Not much, just the weather. They say snow, but this be London so who knows.” I grab a small pawful of exploded kernels and shove it in my mouth. Unsalted, go figure. Still good though.

“We were just about to watch a film Dipper recommended.” Dawkins points out.

“Really now! What movie?”

“Something called ‘How to Train Your Dragon’, was it?” Delilah said, slightly puzzled.

Dylan scratches his ear, “Hmmm. Can’t say I’ve heard of that one before. Is it a new movie?” New movie he says. I reach a paw to dog mom for the remote, the clean one without excess butter. 

Once in possession of the tv controls, I flip through the menus till I find my quarry. “Well, wait till you get a load of this.” I press play, nostalgia washing over as the opening DreamWorks logo runs. Ah memories.

Hope these pups like this as much as I do.

=+=

Turns out British weather people can be right sometimes.

A white blanket of frosted water covered all of the scenery as far as the eye could see through the window. The pups were absolutely ecstatic at the prospects of another snow day, their tails itching to go play in the snow. And with that snow day meant a snow day with the parents. Unfortunately the two dogs weren’t keen on letting the family play in the park, what with the “Beast of Camden” running around. So this time instead of having a competition like last time, the eldest pups and dalmatian folks worked in tandem to prepare everyone for a fun winter time in the safety of the backyard.

How was movie night? Oh spectacular! The pups loved the flick, never have I heard an audience be so audible before. Little tikes were practically jumping with after movie jitters, worse so when they learned there was a whole two sequels to watch. Took everything we could to calm them down, or at least peter their enthusiasm enough that they tucker themselves out. Heck some of the more passionate ones would not stop talking about the film, like this energetic pup that was currently chewing my ears off about his now new favorite franchise.

“And then he went FWOOSH, dodging those rocks at the last second and it was so awesome!” Delgado regaled.

“Mmmhm! It sure was!” I nodded along.

“Did you see how they just zoomed through, they did it on instinct!”

“Yup! I was there too!”

“And Toothless was able to fly so well, even with a handicap! Kinda like me, but with running!”

“Ya know, I guess he was!”

I actually didn’t realize Delgado was just like the main characters. Of course he’d relate to the kickass handicapped cast.

Give yourself a pat on the back good sir, for the unintentional win!

“Thanks again for choosing the movie for movie night. Got me a new favorite movie now!”

He does a wheelie in excitement as the pup continues to gush.

“You're welcome! So what do you want?” I ask nonchalantly.

He stops at my tone, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t get me wrong! Love the enthusiasm, it’s one of my favorites too! But um…” I purse my lips, “we’re inside right now.”

“Yeeeeeaaaaah? And what about it?”

“On this day of frosty freezy fun just right outside those doors?! I know you think hats are itchy but come on!”

“...how’d you know I don’t like hats?”

“Look, I’m grateful for the company but I know for a fact you’d rather be out running. Heck, I can see you being antsy about it already.” I point out how fidgety his paws were, the speedster was practically tap dancing in place.

He stops, much to his own embarrassment. “Whaaaat? Nononono! I’m just…saying how great that movie was.” Delgado gives me a big smile, showing off his pearly whites.

I don’t. “Okay okay, I want your help. To get to the park.”

Ah there it is, “What for, you can enjoy the great outdoors in the backyard, can’t you?”

“No I can’t! The whole fam’s hogging the whole space! I can’t run even a second before tripping over everyone else. I need room~!” 

“And why don’t you ask any of the other responsible pups? Like Dolly?”

“She went off to help Da Vinci as her escort. Mum and Dad got split in a snowball fight that broke out with the other pups while Dylan’s playing referee. No way Dawkins would go either but some of us don’t want to snowball fight! I want to run! And I’m not the only one feeling left out.” He turns around and pulls out another smaller pup. “Even Dorothy’s raring to go!”

“Par~! Par~!” The youngest pup coos. Adorable.

“...how are you doing that?” Dude was holding his sister with the only two paws he had, how’s he balancing?

Apparently not well cause Delgado notices gravity taking hold, falling face forward straight into hardwood. Made sure Dorothy was ok though. What a good brother. “So can you spot us?” he says, words muffled by the floor.

“...One question. Why aren’t you worried about the ‘Beast of Camden’, you know…from the news.”

He pulls himself up, “Pfff, probably just a hoax. One time Dylan and Dolly made up a ‘Camden Kraken’ and we all bought it hook line. This one sounds like a bunch of humans being silly, they probably got spooked by their own shadow. So you up?”

“Eeeeeeeeeh, I don’t know…”

“Oh come one! You spotted me once before AND got me my lap timer, all you gotta do is watch over two pups! How hard is that?!” he pleads.

“Harder if Pearl has anything to say about it. You remember her warning?” The community police horse had dropped by for a visit to give the Dalmatian family the special notice: all citizens are to uphold a strict curfew, anyone found to be suspicious in any way will be impounded immediately until the “Beast” has been apprehended. That sounds like a great excuse to stay home. Delgado apparently thinks otherwise.

“Just a few laps, I promise! Then we can go back in before the curfew. Pleaaase~ can we go? Can we can we can we?”

“I mean…” Staying inside does sound more inviting.

“Dorothy will bite you.” He nudges the younger pup forward. “Dorothy, look wild!” The little tot bares all four of her teeth, twice as many than when I remembered. Thinking back to all the times the banister was completely mauled by this adolescent alone made me shiver.

I’m going to regret this.

“Alright alright! Call off your blackmail, I’ll do it.” I take a step back from the little gnashing step sibling.

“Yessssss!” He cheers.

I hold up a paw before he goes off, “You’re going to have to wear a hat though.” To which he responds with an exacerbated sigh.

“Okay, fine.” He grunts as we all head to the entrance to suit up.

“Hold it right there!” 

Only to be stopped right before we even started by a voice from down the hall. The most overbearing dog of the house comes running in, heading past us and barring our way to the door. Looks like Dylan’s being classic Dylan again. “Where do you three think you’re going?” See.

“Right, probably best to let someone know.” I say to myself before turning to Dylan. “So Delgado and Dorothy want to take a quick trip to the park while I watch over them. Promise to bring them back before the curfew call and all.”

“Oooh no you don’t! You three are to stay! Here!” He emphasizes. “At home! Where it’s safe!” 

I look at him like he’s grown a third eye. “Dude, we’ll be fine. I can take care of this.”

Dylan only shakes his head. “Not this time, Dipper! You’re too irresponsible!” WHAT.

“Excuse you?”

“You heard me! Mom might think you’re fine but I beg to differ!”

Ok now that’s infuriating. “I’m sorry, who was the one who helped deal with the last three major incidents in this house?!?!”

“You ran yourself to the point of exhaustion taking care of family problems!”

“And I solved every single one!”

“Last time you went out, you came back sick and passed out!”

“Saving three pups! All four of us lived and I’m pretty sure that’s more important!”

“No! You are staying and that is FINAL, Dipper you’re far too immature.” And now this is just insulting.

But not as insulting as his next words.

“So down boy! HEEL!” Delgado gasps from behind.

My eyes narrow.

Dylan, love ya like a brother but I’m almost absolutely sure you just did the dog equivalent of a derogatory slur. Certainly felt like one. But this was not the time to blow my cool. I take a deep breath.

“Alright, fine. You win.” I said calmly, much to the pup's disappointment from the back. “I’m just going up to the roof to go do some bird watching.” Which turns into confusion.

“Bird watching? Really?” He asks with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes really. Tis a great time to observe migration patterns.” I bulled.

“...can I join?”

I huffed, “Well Dylan, you might be a bit too busy for that,” a convenient muffled thump echoes from the backyard, “cause you’re going to be occupied. Sounds like someone won the snowball contest!”

“Oh dog dang it!” He runs off panicked. The other two pups reluctantly follow until I stop them.

“Grab a hat and head to the roof.” We’ll see who’s immature…

=+=

“Why do we have so many socks?”

“Humans, that’s why. Now help me get all the snow in a pile.” 

The two pups had headed up the roof to find me working. Currently I was busy stuffing frozen water into several wool tubes. Why?

“Why are you filling these with snow again?” I was getting there Delgado, calm down!

“Oh you know. Making disguises.”

“...for us?”

“For our dummies.” I stacked the snow filled sock head on top of a sock covered snow pile with a satisfying muffled plonk. There! Snow Dipper is now complete. A wool hat added on top for the extra detail. Two other sock snow sculptures stood nearby, one on both sides of mine. One had Delgado’s spare wheels while the other had Dorothy’s comically large fur hat, the young pup was currently wearing a more fitting wool cap with ear flaps.

“...oh. OH! Is that why you wanted me to get some spare collars?”

“Yes, now toss me a blue one.” Several straps fly in my direction as I catch them mid air. I guess that works. And with the strap added, the finishing touches are set! Looks just like me from the back, well, if you’re not paying attention. And if I’m right…

I look down from the roof. Delilah’s team was standing victorious as Doug’s snow fort lay in a crumpled pile, the losing pups demanding a rematch. Dylan is trying to propose a safer alternative only to take snow to the face, starting a snowball free-for-all.

Perfect.

“Alright, here's the game plan. We can’t use the main entrance, don’t know if Dylan’s watching or not and I’m not risking it. So we’re going to use this,” I tap the dog hook, “and get down from the roof. Cord should be long enough to reach the ground with two and a half pups. We’ll then head to the park, you do several laps, get home, and no one will be the wiser. Easy, right?” The two pups cheered at my proposal, well Delgado cheered. Dorothy just cooed at her brother’s excitement.

“I knew I could count on you, Dipper!”

“Well don’t thank me yet, we haven’t even gotten to the park.” I grab Dorothy and fire the hook at the edge of the roof. “Hop on.” He looks pensive at the command.

“Like, on your back?”

“Of course not you hold on by biting my bum, YES on my back!” The pup in my paw winces.

“...no need to be snippy, dude.”

“Yeah…yeah, sorry man. Sorry, Dorothy.” I nuzzle Dorothy to comfort the canine toddler, she woofs happily in return. “I’m just…irritated.”

He gives me a knowing face, “Dylan get to ya?”

I nodded, “A bit…do you think I’m…irresponsible?”

Delgado snickers, “Knowing you, you’re TOO responsible. Honestly, dial it back.”

Pff ok dude, “Thanks. Now come on, you have the strongest pair of forelegs in the family. You got this.”

“If you say so.” He wheels up behind me, climbing over my shoulders. Was not lying about his legs, dude’s holding lightly and it feels like a headlock.

Slowly I make my way down to the edge with the pups in tow. As we get to the precipice, me and Delgado gasps as I jump down to let the dog hook hold our weight. When there was no sign of the cable snapping, we let out a collective sigh of relief. Only then did I realize a tiny flaw in my brilliant plan.

“Say Delgado, you think you can reach the hand cranks?” I asked the pup on my back.

“Not if I want to drop to my death.” He answers. 

Dang it, “Ok let me just…” I pull Dorothy up to my mouth, clamping down on her collar with my canines locking past the strap. She merely giggles. With the pup secured once more, I make an attempt to reach the crank. Doesn’t take long as a stray swipe hits the grip, the lock goes undone and we plummet down. 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

Delgado was the only dog screaming, I couldn’t even if I wanted to. Between the mouth full of dog collar and the panicked choke hold, my passengers were making more sounds between the three of us. Dorothy was obviously squealing with glee, got more stones than either of us that's for sure. Right before we hit the concrete though, I grip the dog hook, the releasing cord coming to a dead halt and with it, our momentum. We hang about an inch from the ground, now only with one pup shrieking. No not me, still being choked two ways on a Sunday. Delgado hasn’t seemed to realize we stopped if his tighter grip is any indication. I’m getting too use to my airways being tortured, cause I’m more annoyed by the pup’s continued screams more than my fighting need for air.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” Dude certainly has a pair of lungs. Guess that’s fair being athletic and all.

I cleared my throat, or as much as I could under the weight to get his attention. He stops after he seems to realize we were dangling once again. That wasn’t important, what was important is if anyone heard us. Our collective silence let in the ambient sounds to filter through, namely the sound of loud pups cheering and playing in the backyard. I sigh in relief as I let Dorothy plop down into the snow covered front steps.

“I’m going to let go now so you should too.” Delgado drops down as well, leaning forwards as his wheels hit the ground to land on his feet.

“...what were you waiting for?” He asked, referring to our moment of silence dangling in front of the door.

“Making sure no one heard. Lucky for us, the family is loud enough to cover ANY sounds. I’ll take it you’re not a fan of heights.” 

Delgado scratches the inside of his hat, “Heh yeah…say, you’re not going to tell anyone that I…”

I smirked, “What are you talking about? We just saw some loud birds while birdwatching.”

He points a paw at me, “oooOOOOOH”

I returned the gesture, “oooOOOOOH”

Dorothy just plays in the snow.

“Ok, let’s go. Those laps aren’t going to do themselves.”

=+=

“Say I wasn’t able to ask back on the roof but what’s up with the vest?”

“Oh this? Got Debbie-Lou to make it for me.” First thing I commissioned the seamstress. She insisted on doing it for free; couldn’t really take money from the family who bought her the very sewing machine she’s using. I insisted on paying for her work, seeing as I had the means to do so. We went back and forth until she started taking it as an insult and I relented.

“Okay, but why is it so…neon?” Well I didn’t get it for my fashion taste.

“I asked for it to look like a safety vest. People tend to not stop you if they think you’re on official safety business.”

“Isn’t that…super illegal?”

I scoff, “Not for dogs at least. And humans sell safety vests at the hardware store, we’ll be fine. Oh hey we’re here!”

We arrived at the entrance of Camden’s park. The once green and vibrant plaza is now covered completely in snow. And not a single creature in sight. No dogs, no humans, nothing. A picture perfect shot of serene winter. Excellent.

“Me and Dorothy here will be at the horse statue while you go running. Remember you pass there three times and you're done. We go back. And try to keep the rounds short enough to avoid curfew. I’ve got my phone set to an alarm but hopefully you’re fast enough to finish before, right?” The great thing about having a vest? Pockets. With straps. Got me a few extra slots in the inventory now.

“GotitgottogothankyouBYE!” He slurs together before he speeds off in a spray of snow. Well there he goes, off in the distance. I can still see his snow cloud so he should be fine.

“Let’s go Dorothy.” The small pup yips as we head to the base of the statue. Alright! Dog sitting time!...oh. That was a lot more mundane than I thought. I’ve been so used to getting my own ass handed to me by everything, this should have been a nice breather.

Whatever, it’s only three laps. Delgado’s a pretty fast dog. If there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s running. This shouldn’t take long…right?

=+=

So an hour has passed. And no Delgado. Crap. Where the hell is he? How big is this place?! The show never showed the entire park, only in its various parts, especially not through stylized animation.

No! No adventure! I’m only familiar with the plaza around the horse and this pup is not about to go off exploring, at least not with a toddler to see home. GPS has been absolute piss out here in the snow so I can’t risk not knowing the way back. 

Damn it! This little venture of ours is getting sketchy and I don’t have the erasers to fix it! Well it wasn’t all bust.

At least someone was enjoying themselves. Dorothy was happily frolicking in the snow, oblivious to any preliminary complications currently conspiring.

Dawwww, look at her go. Jumping around. Making pawprints in the snow.

Pawprints. 

Hold a moment. Something's up.

I take another look at our surroundings. There wasn’t ANYONE else in the park other than us three pups. I mean two right now until Delgado gets back. But other than us, the park was dead. An eerie silence starts creeping in from behind Dorothy’s playful barking so there’s no one else past the trees. What disturbed me more was the tracks. The lack thereof. Other than Delgado’s upturned snow rail and our collective pawprints coming in, there wasn’t any other trail of any kind. Sure if there was a news alert of a “beast” out loose, yeah, of course humans wouldn’t go out here and along with them: their dogs.

But where were the horse tracks?

Community police officer Pearl should be leading an investigation of some kind. She’ll be all over the place searching high, low, and everywhere else for any sign of suspicious activity. The mare did so with the kraken business, so why not now? If there’s no hoof prints, that means she gave the park a wide berth. I didn’t see any kind of warning or security tape at the gate so it would either mean she’s been too busy with beast bizz, or something’s here that made the equine just stay far away in the first place. Or maybe paranoia’s talking, I’m crazy, and there’s no threat to actually acknowledge. Maybe. 

Better be safe than sorry and send a woof out to the pup. It’s funny really, I have never barked before during my time as a dog. When I had let Dawkins know this one time he asked me to send a woof to Doug, Dolly and Dylan overheard. The three proceeded to boot camp me for an hour just to say “Hello world” to the entire neighborhood. So as a contingency plan, I let Delgado know on our way to the park I’d try to send a short ranged woof if anything was amiss and he’d beeline back. Didn’t want the message to get to the rest of the family but options are running slim. If we’re lucky, the snow would only keep it local. If not…well, I did want to show Dylan I was responsible, right?

Don’t even get the chance to anyways, Dorothy starts whimpering and goes to hide behind me to my left. That’s not a good sign. A large snow disturbing commotion rapidly gains on our position as I ready the dog hook to get the both of us out of danger. Wait I see a pup, at the front. Oh hey it’s Delgado!

“RUNAWAY!” 

And there goes Delgado. The only thing audibly recognizable as the canine blur speeds past was some kind of warning. Was something chasing him? I take a look back to where he came. A second snow cloud confirmed my suspicions. Its clearing cemented my dread.

A horrendous creature of frost covered feathers, hissing verbal venom with bloodshot eyes in this general direction. It’s six feet of wingspan fully extended, the intent to maul evident as it’s toothed beak snarled. And despite the obvious atrophy due to extreme cold, the gnarled icicle covered…thing was moving fast. Right to our location.

Time to go.

A hook shot to the statue immediately after, me and Dorothy go flying. We almost take a set of avian chompers to the neck before the dog hook whisks us upwards. That was close but we need more distance! As we soar, I spot Delgado sprinting away below. I aim on the descent down, hitting the metal base of his wheel supports.

“Hey! Watch where you’re shooting back there!” He says panicked as I take a face full of snow on impact. The trip doesn’t stop there as my remaining two back paws struggle to keep up with Delgado.

“Kind of hard to aim with MURDER bird biting your tail! What is that!” I scream back.

“I think that’s the swan! You know, the one who owns the pond!”

“Yes! I kind of got that! Hard to miss all six feet of killer wings!” I’ve now switched over to jump skipping, letting Delgado’s own momentum keep us forward. “I mean what is he doing here! Don’t birds go south this time of year!”

“I don’t know! He was practically a frozen statue when I bumped into him. I think I might have ticked him off!”

You know I’ve heard of birds being stuck in lakes, having slept overnight only to find the surface freezing over. But don’t they die because they can’t get free? Looks like you can live through anything if you have enough spite.

“Obviously!” I look back. Huge mistake.

Big bird was closing in fast. “Can we go faster?! He’s gaining!”

“Normally he’d eat my dust but I kinda have other pups hitching a ride!”

“Well sorry for not trying to die!”

Fine! Short term solutions are required, I can’t keep up like this.

Trash bin! “Turn here!”

As we pass the receptacle, I leap to kick the lid off.

*CLANG*

The cover starts flying.

With my back paws, I catch the rim and land hard on the metal insides. Alright, now we got a makeshift sled!

“Alright, we need to leave immediately!” I yell. “Find an exit!”

“On it!” He makes a sharp turn, heading off with angry swan in tow. We round onto an opening to the fence, I don’t recognize this place but that’s not important. Living is.

Good news: we make it out of the park, the trash lid jumping only slightly as we hit the curb.

Bad news: swan still wants to kill us, having also left the park to follow.

Twas now a street chase. Looking back, our pursuer is breathing heavier. That’s a relief, he might back off soon. Unfortunately our engine’s looking ragged too, the handicapped pup also panting. We need to hide.

“There! Get under that car!” I point to a buggy to our left. He dives under the chassis as I lean onto the rim, flipping the lid against the bumper to cover our escape. As we all slide to a halt, I motion Delgado to get up behind the wheels. We can’t out run the bird anymore, but maybe we can stay where he can’t reach when he gets here.

Sure enough, a loud crash rocks the car as the lid dents. I grab Dorothy close to the tire I had backed up on, making sure to hold a paw to her mouth to keep her quiet and motioning for Delgado to do the same. We all wait with baited breath. 

One snow step. 

Two snow steps. 

Three more. 

Then we hear the magic words I was hoping for.

“Forget this! Last time I delayed my winter vacay.” Wings flap away signaling the departure of the terror of the park.

Well they were magic to me! We all collectively sigh in relief as we crawl out from under the car.

“I think I speak for all of us that we’ve had enough adventure for one day. Who’s ready to go home!”

Delgado raises his paw.

Dorothy cheers.

“Good 'nuff! Delgado! You know the way home from here?”

He takes a look around.

And then some.

And then some more.

Uh oh.

“You know? I don’t recognize this part of town.” Wait what? What do you mean you don’t recognize this part?

“What do you mean you don’t recognize this part? You live here! This is YOUR town!”

“I mean I’ve never been out this far away from the park before! All the houses look the same!”

“What are you talking about, the park is down…”

I trail off as there was no park down the direction we came, only more street. “Dang it.”

“You can get us back, can'tcha Dipper?” The two pups look at me with hopeful eyes. Shitters.

“Well, worse thing to do is not try.” I make my way down one direction of the street. Hopefully it’s the one we came from. “Come on.”

=+=

“So we’ve been going down this path for a while…”

“Yup.”

“And you’ve been listening in on that phone this entire time…”

“Global positioning system. Human thing. Should be able to tell me where the house is from our location.” I know it’s garbage in this weather but it’s all I got.

“...I think we’re still lost.”

I stop at that comment, “I’m sorry, what? How so?”

“Cause that’s the same car we hid under.” He points to the vehicle, a distinct trash lid still embedded in the bumper. Along with a very swan shaped dent. Our pawprints coming in contact with our previous trail.

“Route recalculating.” Says my useless brick.

I put the offending appliance away. “Of course we are! Fantastic! Great! I’m sure it could totally get worse.” A small ringtone calls out as the phone vibrates. “...That’s the curfew alarm isn’t it.”

“Dog! We’re going to be in so much trouble!” Delgado starts to panic. Dorothy whimpers.

I do my best to reassure the two, “Hey hey hey, we’ll be ok! Let’s just…go look for the park. Maybe we can retrace our steps! And hopefully find something we recognize.” They nod soberly as they head off to wherever the park could be, I tailgate behind them.

Thump.

Snow dislodges to our right.

“You two, stay put. You hear that?” The two pups stop, Delgado raises an ear.

Then he raises an eyebrow, “Pretty sure that’s just snow, Dipper.”

Thump!

Icicles shatter from a nearby window.

Delgado felt that one, the pup’s eyes going wide. “And I’m pretty sure something’s coming.” I say.

THUMP.

“Under the car. NOW.”

I grab Dorothy by the collar as we dive back down under the car. The three of us wait with muted muzzles for anything, safe or…otherwise. We didn’t have to wait long. Huge black shadows block what little light was visible from the undercarriage. A heavy coarse heaving spouts like downward geysers, a trail of massive steam clouds gushing as it starts sniffing. 

Something large has made its presence known.

The beast is real. And it’s just a foot away. All the rotten luck and almost suffering from an early passing from aviary euthanasia only to trade it for an early passing to local boogey monster. As much as I’d like to lambast my situation, I don’t have the luxury. I looked down to Dorothy, who was fearfully sniffling into my fur.

There are pups depending on me.

An explosion of snow erupts, spraying the solid water out under the car. The heavy pounding of snow prints going off in the distance as whatever was out there had moved on. I waited for another moment. Silence still.

I gave the youngest pup over to her brother, “Take Dorothy and stay here. I’ll check if it’s safe” I whispered.

“What?! That thing’s still out there! It’ll tear you to shreds!”

“Yes, not ideal but we don’t have options. But I think it left just now so we need to make our way back to the park. Quietly. Then maybe we can find the way home then.”

“What if it comes back?”

I chew my lip, “Then plan b would be me distracting the whatever’s out there while you two make a run for it.” Delgado’s ears drop followed by Dorothy’s who’s emulating.

“Dipper, No!” I hold a paw up to pause.

“I know, it’s dangerous. But I have this,” I hold up the dog hook, “gotten me out of stickier situations before. If it ever comes down to it, and I hope I don’t have to, I’ll keep the thing busy while you escape. After you get far enough, I’ll…catch up when I can.” This time, I gave both pups what I assume was a reassuring hug. “Keep Dorothy safe. I’ll call when the coast is clear.” 

And with that message, I carefully moved to the edge of the car much to the muted protests of the handicapped pup. With a final look back, the two watch me with varying degrees of concern. Dorothy raises her paws to grasp the open air, trying to say something.

“Dippy.” She whimpers.

I don’t dare to look back again.

From out below the tires, I gently make my way out. Alright, be calm. Anything to the right?

Silent snow.

To the left?

More snow.

I pull myself out onto the sidewalk and take a look around. The only sign of the beast were the enormous paw prints digging straight to the concrete and disturbed white banks of where it tread. No sign of the beast though. Good. Turning back, I try to motion the two to follow.

THUMP.

I froze. Something just landed behind me if my snow covered back was any indication. How it got behind me, I’ll never know. Slowly, I turn to get a glimpse at what we were currently cowering for our lives from. My eyes widen at its reveal.

A Caucasian Shepherd.

Also known as the Caucasian Ovcharka, one of the largest known dog species in the world. These big canines can grow up to two hundred and twenty pounds of double coat and muscle. While they officially grow up to almost three feet in height, they can stand up to an adult man on their hind legs. How do I know this? Random binge trips of wiki searches into the Russian bear hunting dog and you’d know too. This one was most definitely taller than three feet, eyeballing the height about level with the top of the car. Willing to bet they’re well over two hundred pounds as well. A wall of jet black fur sat daunting, the only projecting from the dark mass was the two sizable yellow rings serving as its eyes, staring down at the little dalmatian pup who would have soiled himself had he not gone before hand. Time for plan B.

Is what I would have done had I not been horribly interrupted.

“Dorothy, wait!” A stifled shout cried behind me as the littlest of the family rushed out.

I can only look upon in dismayed shock as Dorothy stops, takes one look at the beast, then proceeds to CRAWL up to the thing several hundred times her size like it didn’t make snow craters everywhere it walked. She even ignores one despite tripping on her way over. With a playful demeanor, the small pup climbs up to stand against the massive paw. Looking up to the beast’s reaction, I found brief reprieve somehow as the creature shared the same shocked expression I was probably feeling at the pup’s sheer disregard of the situation she was in. Shaking my head to quickly recover, taking the initiative to pull the young canine to safety. Was about to use the dog hook to try and get some distance when I’m stopped once again, this time by a gruff voice.

“What are pups doing out late now? There is curfew.” The beast said.

You know, I probably should have been better. The moment I realized the beast was a dog and not some terrible monster would be the moment I’d have known it could talk. Of course he could talk, all the animals talk and communicate with one another. He, judging from the low voice, had merely asked an honestly fair question, just an adult showing concern for the obviously far from home children in front of him. Here I am judging a book by its cover and not realizing it. I mean, Chips was a helpful seagull and not the hellion on wings the sea birds are known to be. Hell, Roxy’s a rottweiler and she’s one of the sweetest girls the family knows. And here I am thinking this will be the next boogie dog like a total dingus. I need to apologize.

“...sorry, sir. We were just at the park a while ago but got lost after we were chased out by a swan.” I adopt a more demure tone of address. Maybe if I’m honest and respectful, the giant dog wouldn’t be inclined to smack me around. “We’ll get out of your hair, um, fur as soon as possible mister…” I never got his name.

“Viktor.” Ah why thank you.

“Right, Mr. Viktor, sir. We-we’ll just head right back to the park now, if you wouldn’t mind.” Was laying it on thick but while the threat of the local bugaboo was diffused, there still was the nagging feeling of over a hundred pounds of stranger danger sitting nicely enough to not bother us.

Am I being paranoid? Maybe not. Maybe he’ll leave us alone.

“Wait.” Uhp! Spoke too soon.

I wince as I turn back to the towering canine, “...Yes?”

He turns a muzzle to the car, “...Are you all not going? There still one pup here.” Guess he sniffed us out from the start.

Delgado clambers out from under the car, his wheels clattering loudly as it shakes along with the nervous pup. He stops clattering when he sees the beast was actually another dog. The pup runs up to the massive canine, “Woah, you’re HUGE!!! How much kibble do you eat to get that big!”

I reel in the over excited runner, “Yes he sure is! Now let’s not bother the good dog and head on home now. There’s a curfew in effect which means we’ll be in BIG trouble should we be seen here. Alright? Alright.” We’ve spent enough time entertaining this for far too long. Gotta get home before Dylan crawls up our asses on why we left the house. No one needs that.

“Hold.”

God damn it.

Turning back once again, my service smile strained at the prolonged usage. “...Did you need something, sir?”

Viktor clears his throat, “You pups know where to find Dalmatian street?” My eyes go wide. Crap! Why does he want to know that! Better not let him know explicitly where we live.

“Hey! That’s where we live!” Delgado interrupts. Damn it man!  What part of stranger danger do you not comprehend! I shove a paw over his mouth before the chatterbox reveals our social security too.

“Why do you want to know, Mr. Viktor…sir?” I asked apprehensively.

He hesitates before responding, “I am…looking for…a human.”

“Wait, what? Like your…pet?” Keep reminding myself humans are pets to dogs. “Do you…live around here?” I’m usually not one to know my neighbors but I’d think someone would notice such a hefty addition to the community. So that would mean…

“No.” As I thought. “It is mine human…offspring’s home.”

“Their kid? Why do you- hold on. First off, where do you live?”

“My comrade and I reside in lighthouse on edge of Cornwall.” That’s…ok I’m unfamiliar with British geography but I assume that’s a long distance. Not to self, look up the location of Cornwall should the family ever visit again. Could it be the same lighthouse…wait that's not important right now.

“Alright, that actually tells me nothing about why you’re here. Sooooo, why are you here?” Dude lives in Cornwall, so what’s he doing in Camden? 

The big dog lets out a heavy sigh.

“My comrade and his companion…are separated.” Yikes, that’s heavy. “No no! They are together still! But… circumstance forced both to stay at different house.” Ok, less heavy. “Daughter is staying at companion house. She was…so sad when she left. I come to London to see her.”

Delgado interjects having swiped my paw away, “All the way from Cornwall! That’s so far. My family took a bus there for summer vacation once and that took more than five hours!”

Viktor nods, “Take two days nonstop running.”

“Really! What did you eat?!” The speedster asks, now engrossed.

“I bring trail mix. Ate last ration today.” oh well that’s neat wait a minute…

Now it’s my turn to intrude the conversation, “Hold on, what about your human? Wouldn’t he notice you gone?” If someone had noticed the four foot behemoth here in Camden, they’d definitely notice him...not being there.

This time his ears flop, “Comrade…has not been himself lately. Barely remember meal time or go out to play these days.”

Oh dear that sounds like text book depression, “So why come here? Wouldn’t it be better to be with your human at his most dire of times?”

“It is why I have come here. He has not seen offspring for so long that it has taken toll on mind. She said she would come soon but that was three weeks ago. I remembered comrade had forgotten to share contact information with rest of family. Both he and companion are workaholics, so neither would have time to correct mistake. So I take burden of fixing mistake.” Well how noble of you, looking out for your family. Only one problem.

“You didn’t know where they lived exactly did you?” Viktor looks down ashamed.

“It was unfortunate oversight, yes.” I feel your geographical pain, large dog.

“...did you try to ask through the world wide woof?” Just because I didn’t use it, doesn’t mean no one else can’t. I think I’m getting the bigger picture and I’m not liking the conclusion I’ve come to.

Why have I dropped the honorifics? Cause we aren’t in danger anymore and this is kind of stupid.

“No dog responded! There is apparent monster rampaging in Camden, I am careful not to attract abomination but young ones might not be so lucky. You pups must hurry home or monster get you too!” Wait he can’t be serious can he?

Viktor keeps a straight face.

Oh god he is.

I look down around his neck, “Um…Viktor?”

“Yes pup?”

“You…didn’t happen to come to Camden without a collar did you.” I noticed the huge canine did indeed not possess any identification on his person.

“Da, did not need one in Cornwall.” Of course he didn’t. 

I pinch the bridge of my muzzle.

“I hate to break it to you, mister, but I think you might be the Beast of Camden Town.”

There was a brief pause as everyone took a moment to process my statement. They become flabbergasted in the next.

“Him?!” Delgado goes.

“Me?!” Viktor accompanies.

I look between the two’s shocked faces in exasperation, “Seriously?”

The handicap pup goes to the larger dog’s aid, “He’s not a monster!”

“I am simple dog of country. I am no beast!” Viktor stutters unseemly for a dog his size.

“Well obviously you’re not. But you’ve been sneaking around Camden like no one wouldn’t notice a canine the size of a small buggy. Big fella like you, some human was bound to see. Without a collar, you probably look like some wild beast! Heh, beast.” Wow look at me go, giving a creature several dozen times larger than me a dressing down. How is this my life?

We never find the answer as our collective trains of thought get interrupted by a loud shrill in the distance. Oh balls it’s the cops.

The three of us begin to panic. Dorothy just enjoys the ride in my paws. Lucky her.

“That’s Pearl’s whistle! What are we going to do!” Delgado shrieks with dismay.

“I can not be found! Police will deport Viktor for sure!”

My adoptive brother turns to me frantically, “Dipper! We gotta help Viktor!”

“Why?!” Dude! We got our own problems here! How we going to help someone when we can’t help ourselves?!

The large canine lies down so we were eye level, “Please, little pup! Viktor is begging you.”

“Oi! Who goes there!” A shout cries out from down the street.

“Sod it!” I yell as our time is limited. With Dorothy in paw, I crawl up onto Viktor’s back, quickly motioning Delgado to do the same. I use my other open paw to grab a clump of dog fur before giving a hastily hollered command to the opposite direction of the incoming law enforcement.

“RUN!”

Viktor takes no time to react. The giant hound breaks snow banks as we rocket off into the other direction.

=+=

Yeah I’m sure you’d want to hear the harrowing chase scene in every itty bitty detail down to the T, you nosy schmucks. Unfortunately I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to. Turns out Viktor can really book it when he wants to. I lost grip of his fur and in my hysteria, I took a bite of his coat instead. Ever tasted dog hair? If you own one you might have been unlucky enough to. If you haven’t? You’re not missing out. Had my eyes shut tight trying to focus on the grip of my teeth and keeping the smaller pup in my paws, so excuse me for not paying attention to where we were.

I’m thrown forward as Viktor somehow deemed now was a good time to stop. Something rubbery smacked me on the muzzle, which was the tire that broke the donkey’s backside for my grip, the impact dropping me to the ground. Thankfully I didn’t land on Dorothy on the way down, the tiny pup cooing cheerfully on my belly. Yay little victories.

“I do not hear whistle, but police may not be far. We must keep moving!” Viktor exclaimed.

Delgado lands close by, “Pup down!” Looks like he noticed me rubbing my bruised snoz. “Dipper, are you okay?” He calls out right in my face. Dorothy mirrors him as both start sniffing out of concern.

The larger dog joined in, “Young pup is hurt!” Ok guys you can stop now, it’s getting hard to breath with all these dogs in my face. Stop it now. STOP! I shove everyone away, getting up to show them I was, in fact, alright. 

“I’m fine, really.” I lied. My nose still hurts like a bitch but we can’t really do anything about it right now. I give it a lick, alarmingly tasting iron. “Why did we stop?” I try to distract the dogs from my situation.

Viktor sniffs the air, “I thought I smelled familiar scent.” Really? All I can smell is metal. I try to look around and find what he could be referring to.

Oh look, a bodega!

Well at least I know somewhere to get snacks. Hmmm. Actually that corner store rings a dull bell…

“I KNOW WHERE THIS IS!” Delgado screams loudly. A bit too loudly.

Before I could shut the pup up, the door burst open. A snow white Pomeranian comes out with an angry expression, “Who is making racket so late!” Snowball yelled.

The only answer to her question was three pups and one huge dog’s wide eyed expressions.

To everyone’s surprise, Viktor spoke first.

“Снежок? Is that you?” He asked.

Snowball gives him a glare before somehow recognizing something, “Kрошечный? What are you doing here?”

The two begin a conversation in a different language. Us pups just wait patiently to the side. It was a good twenty minutes before someone other than the adults said something.

“What are they saying?” Delgado whispers in my ear.

“I have no idea. Don’t really speak Russian.” I whispered back.

“They’re speaking Russian?” Ok this is getting nowhere.

I interrupt the two from their enthusiastically foreign talk, “Um…excuse me?” The two Russian dogs turn to me.

“Da?” They both speak at the same time, surprising me as well. I clear my throat to try to regain my focus.

“...So do you two know each other?” I turn to the larger dog. “I thought your name was Viktor.”

Snowball just chuckles, “Oh no that is his name, крошечный is just nickname. It means tiny, cause Viktor use to be smaller than me as pup back in home country. Viktor always hide behind me every time he’d get scared. Isn’t that right?” She teased. Viktor blushes.

You wouldn’t think a dog with such thick fur would turn such a deep shade of red but here we are, one giant tomato canine. Also, really hard to see this guy being “small”, you think he was born the size of a football. No, the other kind.

The Pomeranian turns to the rest of us, “So what are pups doing out past curfew? Don’t you know there’s beast on rampage now?” Delgado and I pawed the ground nervously, much to the puffball’s scrutiny.

God how do I even start? Lemme try and summarize, “Ok so we just wanted to stay in the park for a little while. The plan was to get home BEFORE the curfew…but there were complications about a frozen swan and then we got lost. For like an hour.” Delgado vigorously nodded in concurrence.

Snowball just looks at us perplexed. “Frozen…swan?” She turns to Viktor for confirmation.

“There was garbage cap with large bird shaped indent. I am incline to trust young pup’s word.” Snowball yields her questioning. At least for the reason we were out.

“So what are you four doing together? And why are you so far from home, Viktor?” she asks.

Viktor begins his story again, “My comrade has now moved to Cornwall but I am visiting his child at her residence here in London. I found these three hiding under car.”

Before he could continue, I threw in my own two bits, “I’m pretty sure Viktor here is the Beast of Camden Town, judging from the context clues.”

“Viktor? Beast? He is big cuddle prone teddy bear, Viktor would not hurt fly?!” What is up with dogs and their different standards of assumption?

A whistle down the road cuts the Q&A short, “Tell that to Pearl!” I exclaimed.

Pomeranian thought quickly, holding the door open. “Inside now!”

Delgado brings Dorothy on his back, “What about your human?!”

“Please, he sleep like bag of rocks.” She scoffs. “I keep police at bay, now MOVE!”

“Pup first!” I feel fangs across my fur as Viktor picks me up by the scruff of my neck.

“WaitwaitWAIT-” I scream in some vain attempt to stop the big dog as he winds up.

Snowball tries to stop him, “Viktor NO-”

Too late.

My world once again spirals as I enter the dark confines of the closed convenience mart. If I had a nickel for every time I’m spinning, I wouldn’t have a lot of nickels but I am getting sick of being doghandled. Literally in fact. So grateful I don’t throw up often. The wet dripping from my forehead when I landed with a clatter was concerning though.

“You need to watch your strength, Viktor.” I hear Snowball scolding the unsurprisingly strong dog, who whimpers softly. “Now get inside, you big lug.” Heavy paw steps and a set of squeaky wheels quickly march in, sounds like Viktor and Delgado are heading to the back.

A moment later, a series of clopping arrives at the door. “Evenin’ mam.”

“Oh it is good evening to you too, CP Pearl! What is law enforcement doing here?”

“I’ve been on the lookout for the ‘Beast of Camden Town’. Have you seen any suspicious activity recently?”

“Nope! No suspicious activity here! Not at all.”

“I heard a noise in your establishment. Is everything alright?”

“Oh don’t worry! Just rearranging inventory! Shelf fell down while moving bottles.”

“...Well, just be careful next time. Let me know if you see anything dubious, you here?”

“Crystal!” 

The clopping trails off as the police horse leaves. The door closes as the store flashes bright. Snowball sits on a stool next to the light switch.

“Everyone present?” She asks. Three barks of varying volume echoes through the store as everyone pokes their heads out. I shakily pulled myself up from the shelf I had just been launched into. 

Shame it was about two feet above the tile floor. I slip from the perch and drop down with a wet splat. 

“Dipper!” Delgado is the first one on the scene of the accident. “Nononono! Oh dog, you’re bleeding so much!” I am?

I slowly sat up, seeing that I was alarmingly covered head to toe in crimson. Wait hold on, this doesn’t feel right. The only bleeding I can feel is from my nose. Pretty sure I’d know if I was spewing more life juices. I take a lick of my face. Ah.

“Ketchup.” I feebly pointed out. A smashed condiment bottle lands next to me, proving my point.

Everyone sighs in relief that I wasn’t in anymore danger. Dorothy cheers. Thanks Dorothy.

“You’ll have to pay for that.” Snowball says. Shrewd much?

“Yeah yeah, let me get my-” Wait. Pay. Maybe…“Snowball!”

“Da?”

“Do you happen to sell dog collars? Viktor over here needs one so he doesn’t get into any more trouble.” Maybe I can solve one of our problems right now!

She nods, “Of course! We stock all kinds of dog merchandise, make sure human do so each week.”

“Great! Let me just…” I pull out my phone. Lucky me the thing has a protective cover and my vest is padded, not a single scratch on the screen despite the rough treatment I’ve had to go through today. So obviously something goes wrong when I try to turn the damn thing on, only giving me a black screen. 

What gives…? 

Oh.

Shit.

I forgot I had the GPS still active. Must have sapped my batteries during the chase. Sonofa…how am I going to pay now?

“Sooooo, funny thing really!” Snowball frowns. “My phone died!”

Her eyes narrow, “Why is that funny?” She asked carefully. I try to smile.

Only to crack immediately, “I can’t pay right now. My card’s tied to my phone which means no power, no money. Sorry.” I put my paws together over my head in an overbearing show of remorse.

The Pomeranian only sighs, “Very well. I will put tab for small pup. Come back when you have means to pay. You are very lucky condiment was only collateral. Single bottle is 1.99£!” Fantastic! Now if only I had my wallet.

I sigh, “Alright, let’s go home. Delgado, you know the way from here, right?”

“Like the back of my paw!” He says. You better.

“Great! You’re leading.”

=+=

“You know you don’t have to do this.” I told Viktor, the dog who was currently holding me like I was a piece of meat.

“It is least I can do! You also taste like sweet tomato.” Well nice to know you enjoy my flavor.

“...Please don’t eat me.”

“You really do taste great though, Dipper!” Delgado takes a tongue full of dripping ketchup off of my cheek. He holds up Dorothy to also enjoy the red sugary dressing. What am I, a salt lick? I am not a snack! “Oh hey we’re here!”

We head on up the steps of 101 Dalmatian street. Sounds like there’s a commotion inside. Not a good sign.

“...Couldn’t we just…get on the roof before we go in? So we could play off we were home all the time? Viktor can wait outside for a little while.” Maybe I can salvage my plan.

Delgado shakes his head, “We don’t know when Pearl might come this way. Gotta get him a collar and quick, even if we do get in trouble.” So much for that idea. “Even if we do, how would we announce the ‘Beast of Camden Town’ to the fam if we never left .” That would be a hard sell.

I grumble under my breath, “FFFFFFFFFFFine. But just know I’m the one who’s going to be in the hot seat.”

The handicapped pup only chuckles apologetically as he knocks the door. A series of hushed murmurs buzzes behind the red barrier before the mail slot opens, a pair of panicked eyes peering through the post hole. Said eyes narrow on seeing who had knocked.

“Delgado?!” Dylan screeched.

“Hey.” Delgado replies weakly.

The older pup continues his rant, “You are in so much trouble! Where’s Dipper! I know he’s out there with you right now. Dorothy better be alright!”

“H-how did you know that?”

“Dolly and Da Vinci returned right before the curfew. They were wondering if I had let you out to the park cause they thought they heard shouting that sounded a lot like Dipper in that direction!” 

Well you get chased by a murder bird and see what sounds you make! 

Dylan keeps going, “When I checked up on you three birdwatching , what do I find but a locked roof hatch! It took everyone an hour to break it open, only to discover your little snow sculptures! Mom and dad were worried sick. We were just about to send a search party to find you! And now you just show up on the doorsteps like nothing happened. You have a lot of explaining to do!”

Delgado sweats nervously, “Okay but can we do that inside? We, uh, have something to deal with first.”

“You’re darn right we’re going to deal with this right now!” Dylan closes the flap, the sounds of the scanner run quickly as the door opens. A majority of the family was discussing further down in the hall and over the stairs. “I hope you’re prepared for-” He stops as he sees all of us.

The second of confusion is cut short when the pup starts shouting, “IT’S THE BEAST!” He screams before backing away from the door. Several pups looked in our direction and broke out in hysterics. Judging from the pitch, Triple D were one of the loudest.

“THE BEAST!?!”

“IT’S GOT DIPPER!”

“WE’RE GONNA BE BEAST CHOW! AAAAAH!”

See? Definitely screaming.

You know in hindsight, I probably should have been more forceful in telling Viktor to put me down. Giant uncollared dog comes in on the front steps with a limp puppy in its mouth, completely drenched in red. You’d think it was a scene from Cujo or something. The parents spring into action, taking aggressive stances at the front entrance.

“LET HIM GO, YOU MONSTER!” The nurse dog roared.

“UNHAND OUR PUPPY, BEAST!” Fire dog to the rescue!

Before anyone could do something brash, Delgado jumps in between the groups

“STOP!”

Everyone inside looks down at the speedster, wide eyed and at attention. 

Delilah was the first to respond, “Delgado?! What…? What is going on here?!?”

“Dipper is fine, mom. Really, it’s just ketchup.”

I raise a paw with a sheepish grin on my face, waving to show that I was indeed functional. Viktor finally puts me down onto the floor as gently as he could. I try to get up but not before a dirt covered pup takes a big lick of my nose.

“Mmmmmm! Ketchup!” Diesel savors. “Funny, I don’t remember ketchup tasting like metal.”

Delilah was on me in a flash, holding me by my cheeks with a paw to check for injuries. “Where did you get this nosebleed!” She asks sternly.

“I’m fine. I just hit my nose on the way here.” I put a ketchup drenched paw onto hers. “Don’t worry, it’s not broken.” I wiggle my snout to show I wasn’t in pain. I mean it was sort of but not enough to warrant a fracture. Either that or I don’t know canine anatomy which is fair. Her expression softens at the message that this pup was in an adequate medical condition.

Right before pinching my ear.

“You are in BIG trouble, Dipper! Do you even know how upset we were! Everyone was worried sick about you! You could have died and no one would have been wiser!” Delilah scolds, proceeding to give me a good example of what she does with naughty pups. “You too Delgado! Take Dorothy upstairs and get cleaned up. We’ll address your punishment later.” Said pup heads up the stairs dejected with the smaller pup in tow.

“OWOWOWOW! Please stop tugging!” I begged. She holds her paw at pup head height, but doesn’t let go. “Ok, I’m sorry! We were only going to the park and were planning to be back before curfew. Things got complicated and we got lost. We didn’t mean to bother everyone, honest!” 

Delilah raises an eyebrow, “Really?”

“It won’t happen again, I promise.” I say tearfully. Man, puppy ears are sensitive.

She turns her disapproving gaze over to Viktor, “And…this would be…”

“A friend. We met him while we got lost. He needed help. We couldn’t just ignore him. Mom, please.” Technically true. We certainly couldn’t ignore the police on our collective tails. 

She didn’t need to know that.

Not satisfied but seeing that was all she was going to get from the injured pup, she relents. “Alright, go help your friend. But don’t think this is over, we’re going to have a word afterwards.”

With my ear free, I give my adoptive mother a hug. My paws cling tightly to the mother’s barrel.

“Thank you.”

She smiles as she puts a paw on my shoulder. And then she prys me off.

“Did you do that just to get ketchup all over me?” Delilah smirks.

“...maybe.”

The mother snickers, “Okay, first things first, you are getting a bath.” She pats me to the stairs. “Off with you now.”

I climb up the stairs despite the daunting task, turning around on the third step, “Oh! Can you let Debbie-Lou know? I was hoping we could use a spare collar.”

“Alright, I’ll let her know. Now off with you! You’re getting ketchup on the floor.” She giggles.

I nod back as I do my best to head to the bathroom while every pup takes a passing taste of the tomato flavored dog.

=+=

*knock knock*

The door of 100 Dalmatian street opens to reveal a young red headed girl.

“Viktor?!?”

On the doorsteps, sat the massive Caucasian shepherd who had made a long trek to see his owner’s child. She embraces the canine several times her size, who affectionately licks back.

“What are you doing here?! Last time I saw you was back in Cornwall! Oh, were you lonely without me? Awwww, I’m sorry. Mom has been so busy, so we just could never find the time. How’s dad?”

The large dog barks happily.

“That’s great! I really should have asked him for his phone number, clumsy Misha!” She strikes her forehead at her own blunder. 

A smaller bark cries out from above the big hound.

The girl looks up to find a small dalmatian pup sitting on top of Viktor, smelling slightly of tomato.

“Aw look at that! You made a friend. What’s your name, little guy?”

What happens next surprises the little girl.

The pup pulls out a black cellphone.

And then proceeds to dial a call.

And then the pup hands her the phone, who takes it with confusion.

The phone rings a few times before the line is answered, “...Hello?”

“Dad?!”

“Sweetie? Is that you? How did you get this number? I completely forgot to give it to you the last time you were here!”

“You would not believe it even if I told you. Viktor’s here in Camden with me!”

“Viktor?! Oh dang it! I’ve been so out of it recently that I didn’t even notice! Is he alright?”

“I think he’s fine, Dad. Looks like he got a little help to get here.”

“Oh, that’s a relief. I’ll come pick him up tomorrow as soon as possible. Alright sweetie?”

“Crystal, dad!”

The girl looks back at the pup, “How did you-” she’s interrupted as the dalmatian starts making grabbing motions at her. “Oh, right your phone! Here you go. Thank you for letting me use it.” She gives the pup the phone back, who puts it into a pocket on the neon yellow vest she just realized he was wearing.

The pup then climbs back down from the canine giant, heading across the street. He then waves back with a paw raised high at the pair, saying goodbye to the two.

The girl waves back, “What a strange pup.”

“That was very sweet of you, Dipper,” Delilah said, “letting that human talk with her dad like that.”

I blush slightly, “Yeah well, had to let their family know somehow right?”

Doug puts a paw on my shoulder, “You did a good thing today, Dipper!”

After a quick wash of both body and vest, we had gotten to work on helping Viktor. And when I mean we, I meant Debbie-Lou. Living up to her name of miracle seamstress. After ten minutes of measurements and five minutes of sewing, Viktor’s collar was complete. I let Lou know I owed her a favor now. She was merely happy to try her luck on an extra large collar size. Bless.

So with the new bling, Viktor was about to head on over when I stopped him. Asked what he was going to do to let them know about the phone number. He replied that he’d pinch a wall phone and try to call with that. I retorted that he might break such a delicate piece of communication equipment and offered to tag along to let me dial the call. He agreed.

And with that, Viktor is in safe hands! Delgado got his run, Dorothy played with snow, I got out relatively unscathed, and we solved the mystery of the Beast of Camden. All in a single day. Good hustle if I do say so myself. 

“Now how are we going to discipline you?”

Shame it’s got to end like this. Oh well.

No good deed goes unpunished, huh?

Chapter Text

I’m grounded.

What does that even mean for little ol' Dipper?

First off, no going out for five days. No real loss there, still an indoor guy. I swear every time I’m out there it’s beat-up-Dipper time courtesy of this uncaring universe. 

Second, chores. Sure this pup helped where he could before, but that was when Dylan was doing the majority along with the rare cases when Dolly deems to help. Now it was the other way around. 

Dylan was ecstatic about this turn of events. The twit.

Delgado was also in the same bucket, which hit him harder than it did me not being able to go to the park. And you know, only having two paws to help. As consolation, I told him I’d do all the chores for the both of us no matter how many chew toys I take to the face. Even made him an obstacle course in the backyard when everyone was at the park. He says it wasn’t the same but he’s really grateful for the thought.

Third and finally, no dog hook. At least for the same time period as the park ban. Parents found out how we got out from the rooftops to avoid using the scanner. Wasn’t planning to do that again, what with the sudden death drop I experienced before, but they weren’t going to risk it. Now I’m LITERALLY grounded for the time being.

Sigh.

And so goes the life of Dipper, puppy butler of the 101 Dalmatian street household. And let me tell you, Dylan’s efforts were underappreciated. Note to self, never vacuum while family is in the house. I’ve been lucky to have done so before when everybody was out in the yard. Now it’s clean up one dust path, three more get made. All over the walls. To say things just got busier would have been an understatement. Even had to wake up earlier again to prepare breakfast just to keep my free time. 

Silver lining, I practically get free rein when everyone’s at the park, the beast business having concluded when Viktor confronted Pearl and called off the curfew, so the house was practically empty. With caveats of course, Dylan stays behind to keep watch of me and Delgado while we stay. Can’t get too comfortable being grounded less it becomes camp. Dolly wanted the job but Dylan sussed her out, seeing how she’d just have the empty home all to play with. He somehow convinced her otherwise with the fact she’d have to constantly watch my butt the entire time, given my track record and all. 

Don’t think I didn’t see that smirk dude, you’re planning to do the same thing too.

So that’s how it’s been for the past work week: breakfast, toothbrusher,...business…, then the pups head on off to the park while we stay behind to clean up their messes. When early evening came, I’d prepare dinner. It’s not so bad, got really good at cleaning in a short amount of time. Can’t really say I should be proud or depressed about that. Either way, I got decent downtime.

One day I found the flat screen had been left out from the last movie night. Decided to sneak a show or two so I opened up Disney+ and scrolled around for a good time-waster. As a lark, I looked up 101 Dalmatian Street to see if this universe had the show. You know, for shits and giggles. To my utter surprise, it was there; all twenty six installments ready to be streamed. Morbid curiosity compelled me to open up an episode to see if it was, indeed, the show that I remember. Sure enough, there was Dylan and Dolly getting ready for boom night.

“GROUP HUUUUUUG!” The TV blared. Sounds like someone set the volume up a little too high.

“What was that?!” An alarmed shout echoed from down the hall.

In a tremendous feat of dexterity and speed, I had closed the streaming service, powered down the tv, jumped off the couch, and opened up my phone as I lay down on a pillow just as Dylan rounded the corner.

He looks around before addressing me, “...Did Dolly come back early?”

“Mmmmmm, I’m almost absolutely sure you’d know if ninety seven pups had reentered the house, Dylan.” I attempted to sarcastically bullshit. Nonchalant was key, folks.

“...If you say so, Dipper.” The older pup says, not quite believing me but without evidence pointing to the contrary, he backs off. “I could have sworn I heard her just now…” I hear him say as he heads off into the house.

I cleared the search history and blocked the series for now. That was too close. I do NOT want to answer the reason why the family’s life was “recorded” on television nor the convoluted way I knew how their lives were “recorded”.

Other than that little incident, the five days were delightfully uneventful. If there was an uncaring god, at least they give breaks. Sweet, boring, unexciting breaks. You would not believe how relieved I was that NOTHING interesting happened. And when I mean interesting, I meant anything that could get Dipper mauled in some colorful fashion. Got to count your lucky stars some day right?

It was then that I got an email.

=+=

“What do you mean I can’t go out?!” I yelled. 

Dylan shakes his head in disapproval, “For the last time you can’t go to the park.”

“Why not?! It’s been five days, the curfew has been lifted, I’ve been responsible and doing all the chores tasked to me. You know, the ones YOU do. There’s no reason why I can’t go on my own.”

“NO!” He exclaims. “I can not in good conscience let you take a single step outside again! Every time you go, you either get in trouble or get sick or HURT.” 

“You and Dolly do that all the time!”

“Hey don’t drag me into this!” Dolly yells over the siblings she was tending to.

The other eldest pup turns back to me, “You’re not going out without an escort, Dipper.”

“Then escort me! I just need to get to the park for like five minutes. Please, Dylan.” I’m literally begging man.

“The answer is still no.” God damn it. “We just got word that the park is under construction right now. Even the other pups aren’t allowed to go right now.”

“Is the plaza closed?”

He starts to look unsure, “Well…I’m not really…”

“Then it’s fine! I just need to find something there. This is really important to me, Dylan. I promise I am not exaggerating.”

Dude still doesn’t budge, “It’s still too dangerous. Weather report says it’s going to rain later today. Wet construction equipment spells disaster. Come on, be reasonable!”

“Hate to burst your bubble there dude but I’m with Dylan on this one. Almost died on a crane once.” Dang it Dolly! I know what you’re talking about but you’re supposed to be the little miss anti rules and back me up!

“Well, when has the weather report been right in London, huh?” Only when they got that snow day right.

“Why are you so bent on getting to the park anyways?” That is a fair question.

Why was I so hellbent on going?

If I haven’t made it very clear how much I dislike being outdoors, I have failed in my communication skills. But now I have a reason to be out there, in the unforgiving wilds of the Camden urban jungle. That reason pertains to what was currently residing in my inbox.

The company. They contacted me. The ones who may or may not be responsible for my current state and predicament. After so long, they finally reached out

Dear Mr. Scott Jr,

We have reviewed your case files and have concluded you may return to your previous residences as your services are no longer required. We will require your information to send your severance pay but before we can provide direction on how to proceed in your retirement, you must go to the designated location. Meet us at Camden plaza within the next 24 hours for further instructions.

Apologies,

!@#$!@#$

Honestly it was far too suspicious. The recipient name was off, the letter was twice as long as the first email, and the sendee was in symbols instead of the astrids from before. In any other normal circumstance, I’d fob it off as spam and be done with it.

This is not a normal circumstance.

Here I have a chance to go back. Back to being human. Back to being normal again.

To go back home.

Don’t get me wrong, I still love it here. Every single pup here is precious to me despite not remembering everyone’s name by heart. It’s like having a second family and I’d never trade them up for anything. So why would I trade them up for my previous pitiful human existence?

Because it was mine.

I never said it to anyone else, mostly because it was absurd, but I miss my old life. I miss normal hot food, with onions and garlic. I miss playing my video games. There were games I definitely couldn’t play here with the translated age restriction, this body hasn't even gone through puberty! I even have so many I didn’t even touch yet! And with the option taken from me, I miss them even more. I miss my job. I liked what I did for a living. I miss my hobbies. I wasn’t a good artist but I sketched. Now I can barely grip a fork with these four toed dog stubs. I miss being an adult. I miss doing adult things. I miss my old friends, at least what little I had. I…miss my own family.

I miss my sister, who was amazing at everything she did.

I miss my mom, who took care of me for all those years.

I’m missing so much of my old life. 

Here I have a chance to take it back. To GO back. To be me again.

Only to have Dylan being a dingus right in my face. Or well just basically classic Dylan. I know he’s just looking out for me. He doesn’t know better. None of these dogs do! I kept them in the dark for a reason. It would only raise more questions I can nor care to answer.

But maybe I can hint at it without revealing too much. 

“It’s so I can…find a way…home.” I struggle to find a coherent reason.

“But you’re already here?”

Well I tried. “That’s not-! I mean-!”

“Look I know you got lost before but that won’t be a problem if you just stay in the house.”

“GAH! You know what! FINE! You win!” I start walking off. “Just go birdwatching if you’re going to be like that.” I say under my breath angrily. I had the dog hook again, all I needed was a way out. I take several steps to the dumbwaiter before I hear a scream behind me.

“STOP THAT DOG!” Shouted Dylan at the top of his lungs. Well shit.

Break into a dead sprint that gets cut short when Dolly jumps in front of me, followed by several pups. 

“Don’t you dare! Stay home like the good little pup we know!” yeah how about no.

“Oh hey Hansel! When did you get here?” I say over Dolly’s shoulder.

“Hansel?!” She whips around to see where her crush could be.

I immediately fired off the dog hook, strafing off into the dining room as other pups tried and failed to grab me. A stream of dog food shoots past my head, having missed me by a hair. Dawkins stands near the kibble pump, wielding the hose like an arm cannon. 

“Dipper! You’re going too far! Don’t make me use this!”

“Try me!” I yell as I start a swing into the living room. Dawkins tries to anticipate this by firing in front of me. Shame it was a feint. Mid air I fire again at my real goal, releasing the hook before impact. The shot rings true, simultaneously pushing me away from the dog food and hitting the top key of the pump. An engorged amount of kibble flows down the fire hose, right into the nozzle Dawkins was holding.

“Ah, kibbles!” He says before the pump explodes, launching him away as the room fills with pellets.

“Dinner!” I screamed. 

“Now hold on-” Dolly doesn’t get to finish. Looks like she tried to follow along but was pushed back as a wave of pups prevented her from proceeding further. Fired again to avoid the oncoming puppy apocalypse heading for the call of food. That should keep most of the family busy, at least long enough to escape.

A whir of a motor runs from the hallway. In comes Da Vinci’s drone, Lisa flying in with Da Vinci riding on top. Painted paw prints adorned the drone’s once white chassis.

“Dipper! Please, stop this!” She pleads.

“Not until I find what I need!”

Da Vinci leans forward, leading Lisa into a nosedive. I counter by shooting the hook right at them. She barely dodges the cord as the hook finds purchase, gripping hard to vault straight at the artist. Right before we collided, I coiled up and kicked out. My strike hits, sending Da Vinci off Lisa and into the couch. The drone redirects back down to its owner.

“Sorry Da Vinci!” I meant it. Didn’t want to hurt the girl, but she gave me no choice. I drop down back in the main foyer, having made a full circle on the ground floor. 

Dylan comes back with an entire squadron of siblings to ring me in. I think I saw Dimitri three to my left. “You can’t keep running forever! We will put an end to this one way or another.” He says angrily as he nods to the other pups, who begin closing in.

“Yeah bro! No use now, we gotcha surrounded!” Dimitri three threatens.

I aimed behind myself and fired. The hook shoots off, past the head of two pups before grabbing a hedgehog chew toy laying near the stairs. Simultaneously, I clench the grip while swinging my paw in a wide ark as hard as I can. In a split second, the plaything whips around as an impromptu rubber flail, knocking everyone away.

Dylan tries to get up, “Dipper! You have to- BRMPH!” He doesn’t finish as he takes a hedgehog to the face. With the circle broken, I take a sprint to the stairs.

"Triple D, stop him!” Dolly yelled from under the dinner puppy pile. Said triplet stood at the bottom of the steps.

“You’re not.” Dallas.

“Going.” Destiny.

“Anywhere!” Deja Vu. Love you too.

“Yeah we’ll see about that.”

“DIPPER!” All three yell as they leap at the same time. 

A grapple shot gets me halfway up the stairs and away from the three divas, who collide in a pile at the base. I looked up to see if there was anyone else who dared get in my way. Next challenger turns out to be DJ, who had set up his signature piano with a pair of large stereos.

“You have to stop, Dipper. I will use this if I have to.” He warns, paws wiggling above the instrument.

This time I don’t answer with words, only with the pneumatic discharge of the dog hook. DJ doesn’t hesitate, slamming down on the keys as I reel upwards. A base boosted blare shoots down the stairs, blowing everything not nailed down. The pain was excruciating, but I persevered. As I shoot past the musician, I kick off the closet onto the next floor. Now disturbed, the piles of chew toys cascaded out down the stairs, burying DJ and anyone else who was foolish enough to try and pursue. From the sounds of the cut short screams, Dylan was one of those fools. Serves him right.

“HALT!”

A pup stands before me. Literally on two legs. Deepak enters the fray!

“You shall not pass, brother! I have trained in the art of feline tai chi. Go on if you dare, for you will not take another step forth.” The Zen pup waves his paws around in a fluid motion, backing up his martial artist claims.

I mimic his movements, “Then it looks like we must face each other. In mortal combat.” I said with grave intent. He falters slightly but steels his resolve, prepared for the fight of the century. We stand there waiting for one another to make the first move. 

I acted.

“Psyche!”

I fire the dog hook up to the railing of the next stairs, bypassing the pup altogether. Deepak just stares blankly before slumping onto all fours.

“Awww.” I hear him say as I head up to the third floor. Must have really wanted to show off his moves. Poor guy.

Now’s not the time for sympathy. Now’s the time to go. That was most of the family, stalled and halted down on the lower floors, if I counted right. I don’t see anyone ahead so I’m almost home free. Wording aside. I can almost smell the fresh air of the roof from the stairs. This is it!

Out of all the pups to clothesline me, I didn’t think it would be Diesel.

The digger breaks a section of the hardwood, clipping my back paws. This was enough to get me to slip up and smack my face onto the floor, sliding to a stop at the steps. That hurt.

“Hey Dipper! Whatcha doing?” Even worse I don’t think he’s in on the chase. How’d he even dig up here?

“Oh going out.” Technically wasn’t lying. I try to pick myself up only to be pulled down. Looking back, Diesel’s holding down my back legs. Guess I was wrong, “What are you doing?!”

“Dylan promised treats to anyone who keeps you in the house for some reason. I could sure go for some right now!” He smiles dumbly. Curses! Foiled by a puppy’s stomach!

I still try to crawl up the stairs with Diesel in tow. Can’t get a good angle with the hook to the attic not to mention it’s taking both paws on the steps just to keep me from being pulled back. He’s got a good grip on my ankles, the digger refusing to let go no matter how hard I shake him off. Damn it, I’m losing time! The rest of the family is going to catch up!

“There you are!” Too late, Dolly popped her head out from the stairs below. I redouble my efforts to get up the last stairs. “Oh no you don’t! You’re not getting away that easy!” She takes a deep breath.

“Wait no-!” I don’t even finish when Dolly goes off.

“GROUP HUUUUUUUUG!” She yells, giving me a nasty smirk as the entire family rushes up the stairs. Everything goes dark as the wave of spotted fur crashes down at the end of the hall.

=+=

You know as a human, I never drank alcohol. First time I tried wine, it was sour and bitter at the same time. Then I tried white wine thinking it was like white grapefruit juice and it was so much worse. Just decided not to deal with that whole business. So waking up sore with a dull headache was alarming as a non alcoholic.

Takes a second to remember what just happened. Dolly just sicked every pup against me in a display of weaponized trigger word! Sure I did the same thing with the kibble but I only slowed her down. You think you’d adapt to puppy cuddles. Honestly it still feels like a quarter ton of dog crushing you so maybe it’s the intent behind it.

Recovering from the ordeal, I realized I wasn’t on the third floor anymore. I was…in some kind of plastic container. This looks like one of those pet carriers humans use! Why does the dalmatian family have one of these?! What-oh look the bottom’s lined with a really soft blanket. Kind of feels like Debbie-Lou’s handiwork-NO! Focus! I have to get out. The carrier rocks as I panic, trying to find a way out. Ok I might have still been out of it if I didn’t go straight for the mesh door. Takes a while to notice but when I grab the metal bars, the door doesn’t budge. It then came to my attention that I was being watched. By four dogs. In my distressed state of mind, I still recognized one of them.

“Dylan! Oh thank god, someone locked me here in this cage. You gotta get me out before they come back!”

He doesn’t respond.

Something’s wrong.

He’s got this disappointed look on his face. I looked around to see Dolly was there too, with a similar expression.

And Delilah.

And Doug.

Who were also upset.

“Dipper Dalmatian! I am very disappointed in you!” The mother scolded. “You have caused such a mess in this household!”

Doug also berates, “We expected more from you Dipper! How could you do that to this family?!”

Dylan starts counting on his paw, “The kibble pump’s busted, all the chew toys spilled over the stairs and main hallway, and countless pups injured. All because of your recklessness! Not to mention all the wooden dents on the walls and ceilings.”

Dolly adds her own scowl to the mix, “You are in BIG trouble, mister! We have to clean up your mess now! Da Vinci’s got two big bruises thanks to you!” I wince, didn’t know I hurt her that badly. “Hope you got whatever it was out of your system cause you’re not going anywhere for a while.” She holds up a metallic device. “Just in case, I’ll be holding on to the dog hook until you earn it back. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of it.” Panic rises again.

“Wait! Please! I’m sorry! I won’t do it again! I’ll pay to fix everything! I just need something from the park, then I’ll come back and take whatever punishment you give me! I’ll even stay in this cage!”

Delilah shakes her head solemnly, “I’m sorry Dipper but not this time. Looks like we’ll have to take serious measures with you.” She walks up to the cage. She presses a series of buttons hidden from my view to my right. “This was given to us by a friend, we try not to use it unless absolutely required but this seems suitable in your case. You’re going to stay there until morning and think about what you have done.” My pupils shrink as she goes.

“This is for your own good, son. Be a good dog and stay there for the night. We can talk after you learn your lesson.” Doug too turns away.

“No! It’ll be too late by then!” I turn to Dylan. “Please! You have no idea how important this is!”

“It’s too late for apologies, Dipper.” He turns to the doorway. “You got yourself into this mess. Now you need to handle the consequences.”

I desperately look to Dolly. “You got to help me, remember how I’ve bailed you out!” Low fruit but I’m running out of options.

Hopes are dashed when she too shakes her head, “You do need help, but not that kind.” As she leaves, the pup turns back. “Get some rest bro.” And then she’s off.

“Please! PLEASE! Let me out!” Tears run down my cheeks as I yell. “I need to get out!”

No response.

My screaming dies down as my panic peters out. “Please. I need…” *sniff* “I need… I…” I sob.

I need to bide my time.

=+=

It was night time. All the pups had been sent to rest. Bedtime stories were read and everyone was now fast asleep. Almost.

Dylan was feeling restless. He had heard beeping earlier but brushed it off. Must be the thermostat.

He then heard shuffling in the room but fobbed it off as some pup shifting in their sleep.

It was only when he heard something close did he stir.

He rises up groggy. It was late at night and the pup was not used to waking up so late. At least not when he’s supposed to. Looking around in the dark, nothing seems to be amiss. All the pups were accounted for. Dolly was sleeping with the dog hook secured in her paws.

So why did he feel something was wrong?

Dylan gets up and makes his way to the stairs, heading up to the pup known as Dipper. He felt sorry for the young dog, something had spooked the poor adoptive sibling something fierce. The pup did so much for the family that part of him thinks this punishment might be too much. But he did do all that damage on his way to the roof. Even if he did want to fix his mistakes, this was for his own good. Maybe he could get Dipper something to cheer him up, like a cup of water. 

Pup did like his cups. Why he couldn’t drink from bowls, Dylan would never know.

As he rounds the corner to the cage, it looks like the captive pup was sleeping soundly having rolled up into a bundle. Dylan calls out softly. 

“Hey Dipper?” He tests. Seeing no answer, the eldest pup takes this as a sign to continue.

“I’m sorry for keeping you in there. But you were just so…rebellious that we had to do it. I know you wanted to go to the park really badly but now was just not the time.” Still nothing. Dylan frowned.

“Tell you what!” He tried to cheer. “First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll help you get whatever it was that you needed. How does that sound?” No response “...Dipper?”

The bundle wasn’t moving.

Dylan goes to the cage. He was about to enter the unlocking code when the gate opened by itself. Red flag. Now alarmed, the pup pulls the cage wide open. He puts a paw on his adoptive brother only to dig deep into a pile of linens. In a panic he digs through the cloth only to find no one around. 

The cage was entirely empty.

Dylan does his best to rush down the stairs as silently as possible. He reaches his sister who was still sleeping soundly. “Dolly! Wake up! It’s Dipper!” He whispered harshly. The slumbering pup slowly rouses from her slumber.

“Gnh-wah?” she grumbles.

“He got out of the cage somehow! And- the dog hook!” He pointed to the offending device. Dolly turns to see what he was indicating only to find wasn’t the dog hook.

She had been sleeping with a bundle of spray cans.

“Wh-what!” The cans fall noisily to the floor, the bundle snapped and the receptacles scatter. Several pups wake up at the commotion.

“Come on! We have to wake up mom and dad! Dipper’s gone missing!” he loudly hisses as he runs off to alert the parents.

Dolly wipes her eyes. “Uh…Dylan?” She stops her brother before he could leave.

“What! We need to go! He could be anywhere by now!” he murmurs unnerved.

“I think I know where he is.”

“How could you possibly know that?!”

“Cause he left a note.” She says. Jumping down, she picks up one of the spray cans, one that happens to have a sticky post it attached.

“Wh-what does it say?”

“ I am heading to the park. Be back soon. Don’t follow me .” The two pups give each other a worried look

“Oh no!” They say at the same time.

The sound of raindrops rattle against the window.

=+=

Nighttime at the park was a different beast altogether compared to the day. Especially with the construction equipment left around. The giant yellow behemoths cast darker shadows to an already somber evening. The rain only added an especially horrifying touch a cold cold night could give.

A lone Irish fox comes briskly across the plaza, searching for an untouched bin to pinch a late supper from. He wears a spare magazine two sizes too small to keep the rain from soaking him through his dirty red fur, at least as much as it could cover. He was about to pop the lid off of a particularly full one when he spotted a peculiar site.

At the horse statue was a pup. A Dalmatian pup. All on his lonesome. In the rain. At night. He had a collar on so he should be home. The fox knew of only one dalmatian family in this neighborhood. He approached to see what was up.

“Hey there! What are you doing out here at this time of night?” The fox asked.

The pup didn’t respond.

“Oh sorry! Where's my manners? We just met. Name’s Fergus, probably spotted me around. Hah! Spotted! Never gets old. Haven’t seen you before, so you must be Dipper. I’ve heard so much about you from the Dalmatian family, seems like the only thing they talk about these days. What’s it like to be such a popular pup!”

Silence.

“So, uh, why’re you out here so late? The fam must be so worried about you. Shouldn’t you be home right now?”

This gets a response, the pup crumples a piece of paper in his paws. The ink bleeds from the soaked paper down onto his fur.

“What’s that you got there? Something important? Hope it wasn't, this rain’s getting harder by the hour.”

The pup finally answers in a very soft voice, “No. No it was not.”

Fox and pup stand in the downpour for a quiet moment as the horse statue stands above them. Another horse, living this time, walks up to the pair.

“Oi! What are you doing here! Park’s closed!”

The fox gets startled, “Oh! Pearl! Just the mare I was looking fer! I was only keeping this here pup company. Can’t leave him all alone on a night like this, right?” Probably a better excuse than dumpster diving.

“I’ll bet.” The officer leans down to the young dog. “Come on, off with you. Your mum sent me out to find you. Family’s worried sick.”

“Oh yeah! Probably should be heading back now. It’s not safe for a youngin.” The soaked pup continues to sit in the rain. Fergus sighs. He takes off his magazine poncho and drapes it over the dalmatian, the pamphlet a perfect fit. “You probably need this more than I do.”

The pup looks up at him, a hollow expression haunts his face. In a swift motion, he crumples the paper into a small ball and tosses it into a nearby bin. The wad goes in, passing the rim in an impressive three point shot. 

“Thanks.” He says in an empty tone.

The pup then slowly turns back to the gate, Pearl following behind as an escort.

Fergus waves the pup goodbye, “Catch ya later Dipper! Hope you feel better!”

=+=

Back at 101 Dalmatian Street, the mood was tense. Delilah had called for the local police to report the missing puppy case an hour ago and had been pacing the entire time.

“Oh, where did we go wrong?! Did we push him too hard this time?!” She fidgeted.

Doug attempts to console her, “Honey! He’ll be fine. This is Dipper we’re talking about! I know he’s had some…harsh moments, but he’s gotten through them on his own.”

“But we shouldn’t have used the carrier! I knew we shouldn’t have put him there-” A knock on the door interrupts her restlessness. 

Doug quickly opens the entrance to reveal a drenched horse and dalmatian pup with a magazine over his head. “Mam?”

Delilah sighs in relief, “Oh, thank you for finding Dipper so late, Pearl.”

“Just doing my job, Mrs. Dalmatian. Try to keep this one on a tighter leash.” With that statement the police horse heads off. The drenched pup slowly walks out of the rain and inside the foyer.

The mother was immediately upon him, “Dipper! You had us worried sick! Why did you go out so late?! What do you have to say for yourself!” Tearing up a storm worse than the current weather.

The pup doesn’t answer verbally. He undo’s the velcro of the device strapped to his paw, which clatters haphazardly onto the wooden floor.

“Well, Dipper?!” Delilah scolds, although with a bit more worry.

Undeterred, the small dog walks past his adoptive mother figure, past several other sleep deprived pups to slowly climb the stairs.

“Where are you going?!” Her troubled voice betrays her anger as she follows along.

The pup wordlessly heads into the room he was held captive in, the carrier remaining open. With no emotion at all, he enters the cage, closes the gate, sticking his paw through the mesh and inputs the lock code into the keypad. Now effectively locked in, Dipper throws the wet magazine to the back before rolling into a ball.

Delilah tries to call out, softer this time. “Dipper?”

Nothing.

=+=

“Dylan, he’s been in there for three days! How long is he going to stay in that…cage?” Dolly asked.

Her brother just shrugs, “Don’t really know. He still helps with the chores though AND I see him whenever we eat so I know he can leave by himself. Mom told him he’s not being punished anymore but Dipper just…goes back to the carrier immediately without a word. He doesn’t respond, even when I call him. Pup’s like an empty ghost.”

“Yeah, same here. Dude hasn’t been himself since he went out that night. Some of the other pups are really worried and it’s getting harder to tell them he’s going to be okay.” She says frustratedly. Suddenly the pup shushes her brother. “Look, mom’s trying again!”

The two listen in as Delilah approaches the case, the recipient stays unmoved by her presence. The pup continues to stare through the plastic walls of his confinement. “Dipper~! Sweetie~! You…know you can come out from there. Doug and I agreed you’ve been punished enough.”

“...”

The mother coughs, “I’ve…brought your…grappling hook! Don’t you want to use it after all this time?”

“...”

She sighs, “Come now, Dipper. You really should get out of there! It’s not healthy for a pup your age to stay cooped up. Don’t you want to play with the other pups?” Delilah puts a paw on the roof of the carrier in some attempt to connect with the pup. “Would you do it for me?”

Dipper turns his head slightly to show his face to the bars before he finally responds.

“I’m fine Missus Dalmatian.” He says with not a hint of malice in his voice.

But biting harder than anything that would.

Delilah pulls back, the hollow tone coming from such a young dog startled the mom. As much as it hurts, the mother could not reach the pup.

“Alright then.” She says solemnly. “I’ll leave this here for you.” The Dalmatian slowly walks to the doorway dejected before pausing to give one last message. 

“If you ever want to reach out…you can always rely on your family.”

The dog leaves. If she had stayed even a second longer, the mother might have noticed the pup grip the blanket tightly. Only for a moment.

Even with the adult absent from the room, Dipper doesn’t make a move. Not even to retrieve the dog hook, something the two pups couldn’t imagine from their adoptive brother.

“See! Even mom can’t get to him! What’re we going to do!” Dolly griped.

“What can we do? Dipper’s been unresponsive. He refuses to even budge.” Dylan rebuked.

The tomboy racks her brain for an idea. A proverbial light bulb goes on as her face brightens.

“Hey, I got it! The other pups have been so worried about him, maybe one of them can get Dipper out of that box for good!”

Dylan chews his lip, “Worth a shot.”

=+=

“Excuse me, Dipper? I’ve installed the new kibble pump hose and I need another to calibrate it properly. Could you come help me?” Dawkins asks.

Dipper nods once.

“Alright then! Let’s get you out of there!” The mechanic enters the code as the cage opens.

=+=

“And that should be it!” Dawkins fastens the last screw before wiping away some sweat from his brow. “Thanks again for helping, Dipper. It’s nice to have you around once again.” The pup doesn’t respond. 

“…Dipper?”

Dawkins turns to the other pup only to find him already gone. He follows distant paw steps until the pup finds his assistant back in the cage. Lock already engaged.

“Oh kibbles.”

=+=

“Dipper! Do you want to go painting with me?” This time it’s Da Vinci coming up to take a chance.

The pup stands up, entering the code to let himself out.

“Great! Follow me!” The artist leads.

=+=

“So what color would you like?”

“Black.”

Da Vinci opens up the large paint can, “Alright then, here you go! Let your creative spirit flow today!”

She starts working on her own mural on the brick wall. A moment later Da Vinci hears a loud splash in Dipper’s direction.

The pup had just thrown half the can’s contents all over his previous art piece, the excess paint dripping down onto the ground below. He sets the can down and heads back into the house.

Da Vinci can only watch as he leaves.

“Oh…Dipper…”

=+=

“Hey dude, I finished my mixtape! Wanna hear it?” DJ asks.

Dipper slowly gets up and unlocks the cage.

“Here.” The musician hands him his headphones. “Let me know what you think.”

He then presses his collar button to start the tune. 

Dipper listens without any emotions as the sounds of car horns in time with the music coarse through his ears. When the mixtape finishes, the pup doesn’t react at first. It takes a whole three seconds before gently removing the headset. 

“So?” DJ asks.

“It’s good.” Dipper states before heading back into the carrier.

The pup outside snaps his paw out of sight with the plan foiled.

=+=

“Hey, Dipper~! Guess what I got~!” Debbie-May enticed.

“...”

She pulls out a small plate with a small confection on top, “Ta-da! It’s a Carob and peanut butter brownie square! I…don’t think I’ve heard you say what your favorite baked good was before so…I just made what felt right.”

“...”

“I’ll…just…leave this here then.” The baker leaves the plate near the dog hook, so the cage wouldn’t knock the dessert over on opening. “There’s more down in the kitchen…if you want…”

“...We’ll see…Thank you.”

Debbie-Lee sighs as she leaves Dipper on his own.

=+=

*Pthoooooo* “Surprise Dipper! I got you a very special present~!” Debbie-Lee announces, blowing a party horn through the mesh. “But you’re gonna have to leave that smelly cage to get it~!”

Dipper complies.

“Now close your eyes! No peeking~!”

With his vision shut, the pup feels something put on top of his head.

“Now open them!”

When he does, Dipper finds a mirror in front of his face. It showed he was currently wearing a bedazzled crown. The shining headgear was a vibrant shade of blue to match his collar.

“I made it for my FAVORITE puppy brother! What do you think?”

Dipper stays quiet.

He then slowly removes the crown and places it on top of the dog hook. “Every brother is your favorite, but thank you. It is a very nice gift.” The pup says before immediately returning to the cage.

Debbie-Lee pouts.

=+=

“Hey Dipper?” Debbie-Lou calls softly. “Are you still there?”

Dipper doesn’t budge.

“I…made you this neck warmer. I was hoping…you could try it on for me…please?”

Dipper exits the cage once again.

“May I?” She motions to put on the muffler herself. Dipper lowers his head.

The tailor slips on the band of cloth onto the other pup. A perfect fit.

“What do you think?” She asks.

“...it’s warm…” Lou holds her breath…

Only to release it in disappointment when Dipper relocks himself in.

Silence rings for a minute as the two remain where they stood.

“You know…everyone is worried. About you. The other pups are trying their best to get you out of that…horrible cage.”

“...”

“We miss you, Dipper. Please come back.”

=+=

“Dang it! I was sure he’d come out for Debbie-May’s baking.” Dolly fumed.

Dylan reassures her, “Don’t worry, sis. We haven’t lost all options. There’s still more pups that haven’t tried yet.”

=+=

“Brother, let us in! Your mind is troubled by something and it is clouding your judgment. We all want to help. Breath in…then out. The Wow of Miow will always be with you.”

“...”

=+=

“Wanna play tag, Dipper?”

“Yeah yeah, come play with us!”

“...”

=+=

“Dipper~! Me and the girls have been working on some sweet new dance moves! You wanna…”

“See us?”

“In Actioooooon!”

“...”

=+=

“Yo Dipper! We’re thinking up some pranks to pull on Clarissa. You coming or wot?”

“...”

=+=

“You wanna come digging?”

“...”

=+=

“The end. Is. NIGH. Unless you get out of that cage IMMEDIATELY!”

“...”

“Wow. You’re really out of it, Dipper.”

=+=

“Okay, I’m out of ideas.” Dolly says.

“We’ve practically thrown everyone who’s ever talked with him. How is he still in there?!” Dylan says in hysterics

“Hang on, lemme try something.”  She walks up to the cage, stopping right outside the lock.

“Hey there Dipper~!”

“...”

“I know you’re too busy being locked up and all.” She puts a paw on the grappling device at the foot of the carrier. “Hey! Mind if I take the dog hook for a joy ride~? It might get reeeeally wild~! And it could break~!”

“...You can have it.”

“Wait really?!”

“Dolly!” Dylan yelled.

“Okay okay!” She flinches. “Dipper! You gotta come out! We can’t help you if you don’t open up! Now come on! Don’t make me pull you out by your tail!”

“Dipper, you have to tell us what’s wrong, we can’t help unless you let us!” Dylan pleads.

Dolly tries to unlock the cage only for the keypad to buzz, notifying an incorrect sequence. 

“What! Did you change the code!” She starts shaking the cage in frustration. Dipper remains unresponsive.

“Dolly! DOLLY!” Dylan shouts as his sister stops. “He must have entered a new code while we weren’t watching. We can’t force him out anymore. Both figuratively AND now literally!”

“Oh yeah?! Watch me!” Dolly starts gnawing at the metal gate with little effect.

Her brother sighs, “It’s no use Dolly. We can’t help him now. Not while he’s…like this.” He starts dragging his sister away by the collar.

“Dipper! Come on bro!” She desperately calls out. “Speak to us!”

Dipper still does not reply as they round the doorway.

“DIPPER!”

=+=

It was silent once again. 

And it was getting dark.

No other pup came back up. Looks like they stopped.

You probably think I’m being difficult. 

I probably am. 

Not like I feel like doing anything else.

What was on that piece of paper back at the park?

Nothing I needed.

Turns out the email was some kind of sick prank. What I gathered was somehow, someone got into whatever files from whatever company put me in this forsaken place and sent me a bogus message. They disguised the email as coming from the company and tried to make me send my information through a proxy. When that didn’t work, they added the additional twenty four hour bit to stall. The paper in the park had a detailed message on how they were hoping I wouldn’t notice how they’ve continued to hack for my information, have probably gotten it by now, and stolen all the money straight from my bank. Sure enough when I checked my phone, it was all gone. A fat whopping zero. And while I was down, they explicitly mocked me on the fact I would never go home.

I didn’t know which was worse. 

The fact I was now broke as the joke. 

Or the fact that deep down, they were probably right.

I mean. It’s probably not so bad.

I don’t have to worry about taxes.

Probably never would have touched those games anyway.

Mom was never really emotionally supportive. Not like a mom is supposed to.

My sister has her own life to deal with. I can’t keep idolizing her forever.

And who needs friends? Not someone who doesn’t maintain relations, that’s who.

So many would give an arm and a leg to be in my position.

Why should I complain?

…

Maybe it will be a good thing I die in ten years.

…

A rapping comes from the gate. Seems I was wrong about the pups giving up on trying to pull me out from my literal and proverbial cage. I slowly turn to whoever is attempting now.

What do I find but the littlest pup in the house. 

Dorothy sat at the gate, her tail wagging in anticipation.

“Go play with Dylan, Dorothy.” I say in my now trademark empty voice.

Undeterred, the tiny pup only shakes her head. The pup puts a paw on a metal wire to emphasize who she wanted to be with.

“Dippy!”

I sigh. Probably can’t send her away with words. 

And I can’t be angry with a puppy. I’m…not that mean.

I head on over to the gate. “Scoot back would you? This opens wide.” Reaching out, I entered the new code I swapped to open the carrier.

Dorothy immediately barges inside the cage, right up to my face.

“Oh geez, not one for personal space huh?” I hesitantly put a paw on the tiny tot. Slowly I give her pets as she giggles. This…was nice.

My cousins had gotten a puppy a long time ago, when my grandparents were still alive. Little nicker was a bitey one, always gnawing on my fingers when I tried to pet her. My aunt told me to do my best to keep the puppy from biting so she could learn not to. But I thought it was adorable.

My vision becomes blurry. 

Something wet runs down my face. 

I sniffle.

Oh no. I’m crying. Again. Gotta stop this before-

Dorothy puts a paw on my foreleg. A look of concern adorns her little puppy face. Too late.

“Don’t worry.” *sniff* “I’m fine! Really I am. Just some dust in my-”

The pup cuts me off as Dorothy jumps up to embrace me.  I sit there stunned as she snuggles into my fur, completely ignoring my tears staining her own coat. With a paw, she barely reaches over to rub my back and instead rubs my shoulder.

“Der der.” She mumbles.

Ha. Look at me. Full grown man turned puppy being consoled by a toddler. How pathetic can I get?

I return the embrace.

And let the tears flow freely.

=+=

“Dorothy?! Where are you?” Dolly calls out. 

Everything was going well during bedtime but when she woke up, a toddler went missing.

“Doro- huh?” She stops. And then she smiles.

The cage was wide open. And inside were two pups, sleeping soundly. Dipper wrapped around Dorothy protectively as the smaller pup cuddled up to her adoptive brother.

Dolly would rather leave the two alone but it was breakfast and everyone needed to show.

“Hey. Hey, wake up!” Someone calls out.

I slowly stir from my rest. Must have dozed off somehow, I don’t remember.

“Snk-wha?” I intelligently called out. A soft snoring diverts my attention.

Oh wait, I remember now. Dorothy came. Looks like we went to sleep last night.

“Have a nice nap?” Someone, who I now realize is Dolly, asked.

I get up, careful not to wake the little one. “Yeah…I…guess I did.”

Her eyes go wide, “Look who’s talking again!”

I can only chuckle nervously, “Seems like it. All it took to get me out of my shell was this one here.” I gently nudge Dorothy awake, who yawns adorably. Now up, the toddler once again nuzzles the underside of my chin.

Another call comes from the hallway as the pup responsible turns the corner, “Dolly? Dorothy? Where’d you go-” Dylan stops at the sight of us three.

“Hey.” I waved.

He cautiously approaches, “So…are we…on speaking terms again?” The pup asks.

“Yeah. Guess I am.” I rub my shoulder. “I’m…sorry. For making you guys worry. That was…wrong of me. All of you were only concerned. And I should have told you. I should-”

A hug postpones my apology. Dolly had rushed up and embraced me, much to my shock. Dylan follows, wrapping his paws around the both of us. Dorothy playfully climbs my back, resting on top of my head.

“We missed you, dude.” Dolly whispers.

Dylan pats my back, “It hasn’t been the same without you.”

Words fall back on my throat, threatening to choke me out with emotions. So I merely embrace them back. The only thing to escape the garbled mess of warm feelings was a simple two worded message.

“Thank you.”

We stayed like that for a while, but soon a shout from the hall told us it was time to go. Slowly we broke off, finding that there wasn’t a dry eye between the three of us. That cracks a chuckle in us all.

“You going to tell us why you locked yourself up like that?” Dolly blatantly asked

“Dolly! Gently now!“ Dylan cautioned.

I hold a paw up to interject. “No, that's a fair question. I…should have told you what was wrong. But I think everyone should hear it too.”

Dolly tilts her head, “Sooo, after breakfast?”

“After breakfast.” I smiled

=+=

Honestly they took it better than I thought.

“Oh Dipper. You should have told us! We should have never put you in that infernal enclosure.”

“It’s our job to worry about this. We’re here for you, son!”

Doug and Delilah were currently suffocating me with affection as the entire family watched with watered eyes. This is very embarrassing.

I squeeze their forelegs reassuringly, “No, you were right to put me in there. I wasn’t being reasonable, and I should have told you. About why I wanted to go.”

Dog mom nuzzles my head, “You should have! We would have helped in any way that we can to get you home! I never meant to try and replace your real mother, I was only worried something might happen and you’d get hurt again! We care about you, Dipper.”

“That’s right!” Dog father nods. “We might be your legal guardians right now, but we never wanted to take your family’s place. We only wanted you to be a part of ours. The way you have been for the past month.”

The pups joined in to encourage.

“Yeah!”

“That’s right!”

“We missed you, Dipper!”

The parents let me down so the family could have their say. Instead of swarming me though, they only walk up. Dawkins was first, hugging me gently.

“Thank you, for always helping me. Even when it was inconvenient.”

Then it was Da Vinci. She hugs pretty tightly.

“Thanks, for being my painting buddy.”

Deepak.

“Thank you, brother, for letting me practice my skills.”

DJ.

“Thanks, for helping finish my mixtape.”

Dizzy and Dee Dee.

“Thanks for letting us ride the dog hook with you!”

“We wanna go again! Pleeeeeease?”

Triple D.

“Thanks for the massages.”

“And recommending Deepak!”

“I am SO limber.”

The Dimitris.

“Thanks for being one of the pack.”

“Yeah, bro!”

“Triple that!”

Debbie-May. Debbie-Lou. And Debbie-Lee.

“Thanks for the Carob!”

“And the sewing machine.”

“And the BEDAZZLER~!”

Delgado.

“Thanks, bro. For trying to keep me and Dorothy safe.”

Each and every one of these pups went up and gave me a personal hug. Even Dante! How nice. At the end of the line of puppy hugs, Dolly and Dylan waited patiently.

“Didn’t you guys already get one?” I joked.

Dylan smirked, “Can’t have too many puppy hugs now can we?”

“Come on~! Bring it in, bro!” Dolly exclaimed as the two once more brought me in.

“Thanks for trying to be responsible, Dipper.”

“And for being the best step bro a pup could ask for.”

How could I argue with that?

“Three two one GROUP HUUUUUG!” Dolly called out in surprise.

And there it is. The entire family collapsed into a massive laughing dog pile.

Me included.

=+=

Good news! I’m technically not broke!

I had gotten another email. This time, definitely from the company.

To Mr. Scott.

We apologize for the breach in security. The perpetrators have been apprehended and have been severely punished. Your previous funds have been restored and a generous bonus has been added to your account.

Sincerely,

*********

So I’m filthy stinking rich again. Silver linings and all.

I still don’t know who sent me here. Who had changed me into a dog. There seems to be context clues all around but I just can’t piece them together right now, probably cause I don’t have enough. But one day, I’ll find a way home.

But I’m not quite finished here yet. These pups. These dogs. They’re important to me now. If I figure out how I got here. Maybe I can…come back. Have more exciting days as Dipper.

So until then it’s just going to be one hundred and one dalmatians.

Plus one.

End of Part 1

Chapter Text

Within the residence of 101 Dalmatian Street, down in the basement, something clicks as a mysterious silver capsule whirs to life. A faint blue glow resonates from its center. Another smaller red light pings in the corner, seemingly sending a signal to some unseen source.

Oh hello there!

The name’s Dipper! 

Or at least that is what I’m calling myself right now. You see, despite this adorable dalmatian puppy demeanor, I am actually an adult human male. How did this happen? Fuck if I know. One moment I’m sleeping in my bed, next I’m on the floor all fuzzy and missing my thumbs. And nude.

I’ve been currently residing in the home of 101 Dalmatian Street of Camden Town, a district in London, England. Wee bit far from America, where I once lived. Funny thing is I might be living in the only house that doesn’t have a human in the entire city.

Why?

Cause there’s over a hundred dalmatians living here! One big happy family!

Buuuuut you probably already know about that. If you’ve been spying on me somehow.

If not, let me summarize!

Cause I want to distract myself right now. More on that later.

So! Man turned dalmatian pup, finds himself in home with tons of dalmatians, what is he gonna do? Not get caught that’s what. I’ve seen enough movies and tv to know what happens to illegal immigrants. Especially ones who jump continents and or species.

Luckily I had knowledge beforehand of who’s home I crashed. I’ll admit it, I’m a grown ass man who likes cartoons. And 101 Dalmatians is a decent franchise to enjoy, specifically the recent show named after the road they live on. Well recent to me at least. With the knowledge I had gained, I used all my tact and subtly to blend into the Dalmatian family. 

Get it? Giant family of dalmatians got a last name of Dalmatian?

Any who. Dumb joke aside, that was the goal. To not make waves. And maybe, just maybe, get home to being human again, one way or another. Still working on that last bit.

Surprisingly, they’ve accepted me with the warmest regards. I’m now Dipper Dalmatian, the newest adopted son. The parents, Doug and Delilah, love me like one of their own and the rest of the pups call me brother. And honestly, I call them family too. I would go to amazing lengths for the pups: help with chores, frame a neighbor, save them from falling off a bridge or even the boogie dog! Man, my life got weird.

Unfortunately there were some things that even I could not help.

You see, I always seem to get roped into the silliest or dumbest little adventures these pups have been known to get into. Love them like a brother, hate the shenanigans they get up to. And what hooliganry am I forced into by my loving adoptive siblings?

Matchmaking!

“You want me to be what?!”

God I hate this.

Dylan repeats his plea, “I want you to be my wing dog, Dipper!” That is a really stupid. “So I can impress…~Portia~!” He swoons.

If you’d look upon me right now, you’d think this pup was having an aneurysm.

“You little-! What makes you think that I have experience with this ripe kind of garbage!”

I was SINGLE when I was human. By choice! I was too busy keeping my shit together to get into the matchmaking business. What the fuck do I know about love, this bull is for those who actually try! And I am not about to start now. Especially not to help with…Dylan’s crush.

“...It’s not garbage!” He tries to defend.

“Yeah! If it wasn’t involving that absolute stuck up pom pom of a poodle!”

Dylan sounds offended at the insinuation that there was something wrong with his love interest, if you could call her that. “Portia’s not that bad!”

“I’m sorry, are we talking about the same dog?!” I massage my temples in infuriation. “This is the poodle who humiliated you in front of the entire community during that ferrydog incident!”

“Well that’s jus-”

“The poodle that attempted to kill you from analeptic shock via ingesting regurgitating cat hair!?!”

“Okay that sounds wrong-”

“The poodle that you had been in an ACTUAL relationship with until she got far too overbearing! Yeah! Top tier pick my dude!” 

If I sound mad, I actually really am. This literal bitch has been quite apathetic to the welfare of this household, causing several conflicts involving Dylan specifically! Granted that’s her personality but that’s an excuse. How is she still on speaking terms with this family?!

Something ticks him out of his defensive stance into a more inquisitive one, “...How do you know all this?” He asks.

Luckily I was ready for that one, “Kind of hard NOT to find out about your crush, you’re pretty obvious about it.” Blatant lie but one that’s easier to swallow. “Honestly, why don’t you go for that collie girl you met before?”

Dylan’s eye shot up, “Okay, I know for a fact you weren’t there Dipper! How do you know about Summer?!” Whoops! That one slipped! Good thing I have an excuse for this too.

“Viktor told me about his neighbors when I asked him if he knew anyone back home. Turns out he lives in that lighthouse the family vacationed at in Cornwall.” Sweet sweet succulent lies.

Now I’m sure you’d think today would become a repeat of Dylan getting a date with…Portia courtesies of yours truly along with the many zany hijinks that would ensue. 

You would be wrong.

There was a rapid knocking at the door.

“Huh, who could that be?” Dylan asks as he heads to the entrance.

“Can’t be the mailman, we already got this week’s kibble and I don’t think I’ve ordered recently so…”

Dylan takes a look through the mail slot before hastily scanning his paw. Weird, who the heck could get the pup so excited like that? Please don’t be Portia.

He opens the door to reveal…

“Hunter!”

“Dylan! Gimme paw!” Dylan attempts to bump fists but utterly fails.

Portia doesn’t seem so bad right now.

“Hunter?” “Hunter!” “Hunter!

The rest of the family comes in to dog pile the human tween.

“Mister Funny-face!”

“Ha! That’s right Dizzy! Hashtag funny face in the DOG HOUSE!” 

Gah! My sense of secondhand embarrassment! So dated. So out of style. You think I can pull a muscle if I cringe hard enough?

“Hey, Hunter’s here!” Dolly walks up beside my trembling self. “Yo Dipper, something wrong?”

“Oh just peachy.” I try not to sound too nervous. “Say, uh, just wondering.”

“What’s up?”

“Why’s…a human here?” Decided to play the dummy card for once. Probably should have played it more often if I’m being honest.

Dolly’s face lightens up in realization, “Right! You weren’t there during the dognapping! That’s Hunter De Ville. He…actually was one of the humans who took the fam, BUT in the end he helped us escape from his, huh, great aunt! Who was going to turn us into…coats.”

I did my best to look surprised, “Wow! That sounds terrible.”

“Don’t worry bro!” She takes me into a one paw hug. “She’s locked away for a LONG time, at least that’s what Pearl said.” Thank god she didn’t notice my abhorrent acting.

“So…that explains who he is but tells me absolutely dip about why .”

She scratches her chin in thought, “He sometimes comes whenever he’s got the free time, being the youngest…CEO? Whatever that is. Probably some human thing. HEY HUNTER!” Oh balls she’s calling out to him.

The tween pulls himself out of the puppy pile to greet the other eldest pup, “Dolly! How’s my favorite skater?” He holds his fist out once more, this time with Dolly succeeding where Dylan flopped.

The pup engages in small talk, “Hey ya, Hunter! How’s it going? Taking care of Cuddles?”

Hunter chuckles, “Yeah, doing pretty well for myself. Cuddles is with a caretaker right now, probably hates it too, the sour ball.” Well Dolly’s got this taken care of, sounds like a good time to tactically retreat.

“Oh, you should totally meet Dipper!” My retreat becomes a failed attempt as Dolly pulls me back by the collar. “Dipper, Hunter! Hunter, Dipper!”

Betrayal! Socially trapped by my own step dog sister! I offer the biggest smile I could muster.

Hunter leans down, “Hey there little guy.” Condescending much? “How’s it going?”

Dude I’m like over two times your age. I know you don’t know that but come on. No, don’t be mean, Dipper, keep your happy face. See? No one’s saying anything bad! That's good, right?

…

Fine, “I’m good.”

“Chatty, ain’t he.” The human turned back to Dolly. “So new brother?”

“Sorta! This pup just showed up one day! He helps where he can and he's been a part of the family ever since.” She puts a paw over my shoulder and pulls me into a sideways hug, giving my head a playful noogie.

Hunter chuckles at our antics, before getting a more puzzled look on his face. “That collar…” What about my collar? He reaches down to try to take a closer look.

To which I responded by backing up a step. What? I’m not letting some snot nosed twit touch me with his grubby little hands. “Stop that.” I say as I swat the tween’s hand out of the way, to which he notices my paw.

“Hey, is that a grappling hook?!” He asks. Looked down to find I was in fact wearing the dog hook. Forget this thing’s strapped to my paw sometimes. A plan starts forming.

“Yes it is! Want to see how it works!” I don’t even give time for an answer before I fire past Hunter to the stairs. Without a word I continued my trip up the stairs before disappearing to the higher floors.

After the pup leaves, Hunter looks back to Dolly. “Is…he shy?”

The other pup shakes her head. “Not really. He’s more open with his thoughts with us.”

The tween scratches his head, “Maybe it’s a dog thing?” Dolly just shrugs.

You might be wondering why I’m so weary of the human youth. I mean other than the obvious reason that he was trying to seize the entire family all for the adoration of the abominable rake in human skin that is his great aunt, Cruella De Ville, the family’s fine with him after he helped them take her down. So I’m pretty sure he’s not a threat. Not like he was one in the first place. What he is is a complete security risk.

Let me spell it out. 

I’m an adult human. 

But I’m in the body of a dalmatian puppy. 

The dalmatian family think I’m a pup and accept me as one of their own. 

Here comes a human.

But not just any kind of human, one who can understand dogs as if they were speaking English if Hunter’s interactions with the dalmatian family is anything to go by.

He knows how a pup talks. 

I do not talk like a pup.

Once the kid suspects something, he’ll ask questions. Which will turn into possibly the other pups asking as well. I can’t afford that, what with my loose lips. Way I see it, best to stay away. Unfortunately things can’t be simple as just NOT staying in the same vicinity with the now pup friendly tween, family would get suspicious about the cold shoulder. 

Gonna have to be subtle. Keep an eye on Hunter. Use short talk. Shouldn’t be difficult, could never keep a conversation going anyways.

I got this.

=+=

You know it is super surreal to see a human fight with a puppy in tug of war.

“You got this, Dolly!” Delgado cheers as the tomboy is doing surprisingly well against an opponent several times her size. Both pup and tween sweating vigorously at the strain.

“Show that human who's the top dog!” cried Dimitri two.

“Keep going, Hunter!” Dylan shouts.

“Go Mr. Funny-face go!” Dee Dee adds.

“Don’t give in, Funny-face!” Dizzy follows.

“I’m hearing a lot of cheering NOT for me, your own family, bro.” Dolly snarled through the rope.

Dylan just shrugs, “Yeah well you kept beating us at tug of war so think of this as payback. Show her who’s boss, Hunter!” He yells along with the rest of his siblings. 

Seems to be split evenly between the pups: Delgado was rooting for the home team along with the Dimitri trio while Dylan was on Hunter’s side with Dizzy, Dee Dee, and…Dawkins? Dolly must have tossed him bad if he’s going against her like that.

Me? Just staying in the crowd all silent like, watching the contest unfold. Would shout something genetically encouraging to seem engaged every so often but it probably wasn’t necessary, the others were spirited enough to overshadow one lone pup.

Shame the festivities had to be interrupted by an aggressive scoff. Seems our neighbor has an issue she wants to make everyone’s problem. Yeah, Clarissa got out of the pound. Pearl couldn’t keep her there forever, even if she kept her there a few extra days for rotten behavior.

“Why is he here?” The corgi barked. “Didn’t he snatch you mongrels for that…horrid lady thing!”

Dolly dropped the rope to come to Hunter's defense, “Hey! Maybe so but he’s the reason we got out!”

“Figures, leave it to the riff raff to be buddy buddy with their own kidnapper.” Clarissa sneers.

Hunter slumps disheartened by the next door dog, dropping his end of the rope as well.

“Hey don’t listen to her, she’s just grumpy from getting out of JAIL .” Dolly emphasizes the end of her statement, which makes the snooty pooch turn up her nose at the thought. Doesn’t help the human’s emotional state though.

“No it’s fine, I’m just…tired. Gonna go inside for a break. Maybe we can continue next time, Dolly.” Hunter makes his way inside, much to the disappointment of the other pups.

Dizzy looks up to Dylan with a worried glance. “Is Mister Funny-face gonna be okay?”

Her older brother puts a paw on her head. “I’m sure he’s going to be alright, Dizzy.”

As Clarissa was giving the rest of the pups a dismissive look over as they dispersed to play elsewhere, our eyes met. Mine narrowed into an angry squint, causing the nosy neighbor to quickly retreat to her tea. Ah good, she remembers. Serves her right. I’m not exactly a Hunter fan but he didn’t really deserve that.

Well, she did give me an opportunity. Now I can just stay out here with the pups. Away from Hunter. When he leaves, I’ll be good as golden!

A pressure from below started nagging my brain. Darn.

Let’s see if I can head inside without alerting the kid.

=+=

Good news. He wasn’t paying attention.

Bad news. He was sobbing. Shit.

You know. I could just head up and do my business. Even if he goes to investigate, I can avoid him with the dumbwaiter. This could totally NOT be my problem. Nope! Not one bit!

*sniff*

I’m going to regret this.

I walk up to the blubbering human. 

“Hey.” I called out.

Hunter spins around in alarm, his face wide in shock. Black stains dribble down his face.

“Are you wearing…eyeshadow?” I ask. I thought the guy just had permanent black eye.

“N-no I…! It’s a habit, okay!” He tries to wipe the tears away only to stain his sleeve and the rest of his face. “From…before.”

Before he could continue, I held up a paw. “Ok, I know you’re hurting right now but I kinda really need to go number one before I wet the floor. We can pick it up later.”

=+=

“You use the bathroom…as a bathroom?”

“Did you really follow me up here?!” I yelled through the door, which stood between the little pup’s room I was using and the curious human. Quickly I flush the toilet and climb up to the sink.

“Are…you washing your paws?” Hunter asked.

“What is this, behavioral analysis?” I shot back as I finished washing up. With the door closed, I had to shoot the handle with the dog hook and pull hard.

“You’re a weird puppy, you know that?”

“And you’re a weird human who acts like a dog and can understand canines, what’s your point?” I hold my tongue to try to mellow my irritation. “Fine you know what, go clean yourself up inside.”

“Huh?”

“You look like you came from a Kiss concert, now go wash up. That makeup will sting if it gets in your eyes.” I wave him off.

“How do you…”

“GO!”

Hunter quickly enters the lavatory as he shuts the door behind him. What is with young people and asking so many darn questions? Like he hasn’t seen a pup know semi dated pop cultural references before. 

Kids. Honestly.

It takes about five minute until he exits the bathroom much cleaner than when he entered, although with slightly red eyes.

“Meet me at the couch, then we can talk.” I say before I zip away down to the living room.

=+=

“So what’s wrong?”

Hunter’s startled as he just sat down, “Sorry?”

“You were crying for a reason, so what’s the problem?” I asked again. I do not have the patience for subtlety right now. Blunt force it is!

The tween goes silent.

“Is it because of what that other dog said outside?”

And like that the dam broke again. “But it’s true!”

“Yahuh.”

“I-I just get reminded I’m just a De Vil everywhere I go!”

“That sucks.”

“I know you guys forgive me an-and all but I think that just makes it worse!”

“Mmmhm.”

“Why are you so calm?!”

“Cause I never met the woman.” Technically true, but I gotta play with the hand I’m expected to have. I am absolutely not envious the family saw her in person. I do NOT want to imagine what she smelled like. “Look, I’m going out on a limb to say you’re not too happy being related in name. To…Cruella?”

“To great auntie, yes...” He confirmed.

“...when you were taking the family, I’m going to assume you assumed she wanted everyone for the furs to be shaved off after ‘optimization’ like with your hair.”

He nods.

“And the fact that dalmatians are ‘short hair’ dogs which means our fur can’t grow longer than this never got to you before that.”

“They are?”

“ANYWAYS, this great auntie of yours. Only… living relative?”

“...Y-yeah. I…just wanted her to see me, as her hard working nephew. Now I want nothing to do with her!”

“And that’s great! Progress is progress, no matter how small!”

“But people keep only seeing a…a De Vil!”

“I don’t see what’s wrong with that.”

He just gawks at my disregard. “But the De Vils are…!”

“Just a last name.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “De Vil is just a family name. I have not heard of any other ‘De Vil’ as horrid as that one.” 

It’s true. I’ve looked up the name De Vil, only to find tabloids on Cruella. Eccentric, oddly accurate tabloids. Woman has got a rep. Despite her name, there was nothing about their company nor other family members on the searches. Which might have meant she’s buried any dirt on the name, but seeing how she left the tabloids alone, eh what do I care? 

“You know what I have heard?” I continued like my train of thought didn’t go off on a tangent. “Mom and dad had to take care of several dozen traffic accidents when she came into town. That lady is hazardous to EVERYONE. Cruella is the outlier here, not the baseline.” I actually don’t know if there were other De Vils who were just as terrible as Cruella. Hunter doesn’t need to know that, he just needs to feel better. Then the pups will feel better and everything can be hunky dory again.

“But but! She’s the only other De Vil I know and she threatened to turn your family into coats! And I helped her!” Oh thank god she’s the only other member. This defense wouldn’t have worked if his parents were awful people who, like, embezzled or something.

“And our next door neighbor, the one who insulted you, gave Dolly three inches of stitches several weeks ago.”

“Wh-what?!”

“Yeah, threw a chew toy hard enough to make her eat the patio. After a series of…odd events, Pearl, the local police horse, took her in for ‘assaulting a minor’. Did not know that crime applied to animals too.”

“...she got arrested for hurting Dolly?”

“Sent to the pound, yes, among…other things…” I smirk at the thought. “But she came back as our neighbor so we ignore her as much as we can.”

We both sit on the couch in silence for a good minute.

“Scorn your aunt all you want, but you don’t have to feel bad about being related. You’re your own person and all that insert inspirational quote here…I think I lost the point I was making. Either way, from what I can see… this family sees you as one of their own. Trust me, I should know. I was just a stranger and now it’s like I’m adopted.” I look past Hunter. “Hey look! Here come some of your biggest fans right now.”

Dizzy and Dee Dee come racing in from the back.

“Mister Funny-face! Are you okay?!”

“You don’t have to listen to that bad person! She’s mean!”

“Yeah…I’m alright, girls.” He picks up both pups and puts them on his lap. 

“Don’t cry!”

“We’re here for you!”

The two try to cheer him up, even licking the tears away. Hunter giggles at the sensation.

“Don’t worry those fuzzy little heads you two! Your brother here has been cheering me up.”

“Pfff, only works if you’re actually cheered up.” I grumble in a low tone. 

My grumbling was interrupted by the puppy duo wrestling me down into the cushion.

“Yay Dipper!”

“You’re the best brother!”

I don’t even resist as they squeeze the life out of me. “Well don’t tell Dylan that. Now come on, let me up.” This actually gets them to squeeze tighter.

“No!” They playfully refute.

“You never hug us enough!”

“We’re getting our cuddles now!”

“Oh you little…” I can only sigh as they murder-nuzzle my face. “See what I have to deal with?” 

Hunter snickers.

Well he seems happy now.

“Ready to head back?”

=+=

“Noooohoohohoho! Don’t go yet! There’s so much about space we can talk about!”

“Dylan, I have to go! It’s getting late and I need to go pick up Cuddles!”

Man, who knew Dylan could get so clingy.

The rest of the pups were almost equally as sad as their older brother to see the human go, but less being dragged on ankles and desperate. Dizzy and Dee Dee were close though, both wrapped around a leg each.

“We don’t want you to leave!”

“Can we go with you, Mister Funny-face? Can we?”

Hunter smiles as he squats down.

“Come on you two, everyone would be just as sad if you leave as well. Can’t do that to the fam, could you?” They reluctantly let go, understanding his reasoning.

“We’re going to miss you, Hunter.” Dizzy said sadly.

The tween pats her head. “Hey, don’t worry! I’ll be back before you know it! Hashtag Hunter returns.” There’s only so much cheese you can use to hide that cringe, my dude. 

He pulls Dylan off his leg. “We can continue next time, Dyl, that okay with you?”

The pup nods dismally. “Okay.”

Hunter turns to Dolly. “Rematch?”

“You bet your luscious locks you’re on! Prepare to taste mud, Mister Funny-face~!” Dolly dares.

Then he finally looks down at me, trying his best to get down to my level. “And as for you…you’re still the weirdest pup in this household…” Well geez dude call me out like that, huh? In front of everyone. “...but thanks for the pep talk, it really helped me out there.” He goes to reach again, but stops half way. Hunter then flips his hand in more of an offer. “Can I…see your collar?”

Oh well, if he isn’t trying to grab it. I unbuckle my neckwear and place it in his open palm. He then pulls it close, inspecting the tag.

“Huh, didn’t know they made logo dog tags like this.” Wait what?

“Hold on, you recognize that symbol?!” I asked. It’s not like I could just google search a dog tag. Not one of these pups really recognized what it was and here I am standing in front of someone who does.

“Yeah, it’s the company logo for…I think the…Dialis Company. They’re like this…business firm? Our company worked with them sometimes on secret projects. Don’t really know much about them other than the fact they have several varying companies in different fields under them. Let all of them run independently on the condition that their logo is printed on basically everything they work on.” Thanks for the info dump, that was very enlightening. “Didn’t know they owned a pet merch company though, real slick piece of bling you got here.” He hands me back my collar. I only stare at the offending accessory, having new information on the darn thing.

Hunter waives goodbye to everyone, even calling in a trigger word which everyone was too happy to enact. Guess which one.

As he leaves, I head over to the living room window to watch as he gets back in his hummer limo.  I wave back as it drives off. Well this little visit has now been…informational. I finally have a clue on who might have sent me here in the first place. The Dialis Company. They're the ones sending the emails. Padding my invoice. And the ones who turned me into a dog. That…takes mad money, tech, and power. If I’m going to investigate, I’ll have to be careful from now on.

A black poodle walks by, slowly turning to see me in the window. I only return a stern glare, miming that I was keeping an eye out before slowly going out of view, much to the poodle’s apathetic confusion.

Yeah you better watch out.

Chapter Text

God damn is the Dialis Company a phantom.

Currently I’m down in the basement, gathering…research on this mysterious corporation. A massive cork board was resting up against the stairs, adorned with red string, pins, and photographic evidence, holding everything I had found out on the enterprise. Which was, unfortunately, not much.

What I did learn was startling to say the least. These guys were some sort of conglomerate, a head company that branches into other companies, which is never a good sign. They themselves don’t make anything, but just as Hunter said, they own several below them ranging from toys to technology. Yeah, remember Lisa, the drone I got for Da Vinci? The Inno-Sheba corp. is under them. Same with Debbie-Lou’s sewing machine and Debbie-Lee’s…bedazzle gun. Even the construction equipment had it tinted on their windows. Each manufactured by a different company, but possessing the same additional company symbol on every single product. Their mark was practically everywhere, so much that I’m amazed how I never noticed it before.

And yet not one ruddy clue on who the fuck the Dialis Company were.

These guys had absolutely no presence. Their website was generic business shlock, and all their help lines went to voicemail instantly. The company building stands in the middle of London but there wasn’t even an address, another red flag if online maps can’t pinpoint where their headquarters are. Even Wikipedia was less than useful here, summarized as “ Why yes this is a business, we do business here in this business. That is our business business ”. While it is fair that this is the first time I’ve researched something this big since high school and I have the investigative power of a puppy with a phone right now but dang, slim pickings.

So this is the extent of my capabilities, huh. If I don’t find any new information, I guess this is as far as I’ll go.

A call came from the basement door. “Hey Dipper, you there?” Dolly cries out.

“Present.” I yell back.

I keep studying the corkboard as she makes her way down the stairs. Don’t even flinch as the older pup sits down besides me. “Woah, dude. That’s a…”

“A great big pile of mess, yes I know.”

“Hey you said it, not me.” She nudges my shoulder playfully. “What is all this anyways?”

I take a deep breath to prepare to explain. 

“When I woke up that morning to find myself here, I was wearing this collar.” I tug the neck band to show her the dangling metal. “I know for sure that it’s not mine. And now I’ve found out where it might have come from. Whoever put me here strapped this on me as well, it’s the biggest clue I have.” 

Dolly doesn’t say a word as I walk up to my work. “Since that day, I’ve been seeing this symbol everywhere now. I painted it subconsciously when I was with Da Vinci. It was on all the tech I’ve bought, even the flatscreen!” That one surprised me when I found the diamond on the base. “If I can find my connection to all this, maybe…I can find a way back. To my own home.”

“Dipper…”

“No offense! Your family has been like my own in the time I’ve lived here. I just…I had a life before. And I kind of want it back…”

She brings me close in a reassuring hug. “You know us, we’ll help you any way we can. That’s what a family does.”

“...thanks. It means a lot.” I hug back for a solid few seconds before breaking off.

“Oh! Speaking of Da Vinci, did you happen to see her today?”

“...No, I’ve been here the whole time. Did something happen?”

“Well she said she was going out for another commission about an hour ago but when I checked, her spray cans were still at the front door.” That’s disconcerting.

“Has anyone else seen her since?”

Dolly shakes her head, “Asked at least ten other pups, no signs. Not even Dylan’s seen her.”

Ok, I think I see where this is going. Better clarify first before jumping to conclusions.

“Were there…any other pups absent today?”

The older pup scratches her ear, “You know, I don’t think I’ve seen Dizzy or Dee Dee since breakfast this morning.”

“Did you happen to notice anything…wonky with the power?”

“Now that you mention it, the lights have been flickering…you don’t think-!”

“Remember that time the walls ‘ate’ the family?”

“...How do you know these things, dude? You weren’t even there!”

“Dante’s ghost stories sound far too life-like to be imagined. Good to know they’re based on real events.” I’m getting way too good at dishing out these fibs. I head up the stairs, probably not safe to use the dumbwaiter right now. 

“Meet me at the entrance. Maybe we can solve this before it gets out of hand.”

=+=

“No.”

Dolly glared at our neighbor. “Look here you finicky feline! We just want a look inside your meditation room. Then you can go back to coughing up hairballs or something.”

“And I’m saying no, especially for the likes of you. The last time more than one of you flea huggers were in my house, I lost a wall!” Constantin rebutted. “Why don’t you break in? Worked out quite well in your case, Dog .”

The older pup was about to blow a gasket so I decided to put a lid on it, shoving my paw in her mouth so she wouldn't say something regrettable. “What we were trying to say was that pups have gone missing and we wanted to check if they were here. I’ve heard something similar has happened before?”

The cat scoffs. “I’ll say. I leave the paint to dry for one hour and what do I find? Every single one of you stuck to the walls! It cost me a fortune in repairs alone! I bet you don’t even know how much it’s worth, what with your canine sense of value.”

I can feel Dolly angrily chewing through my fur but I bear with it. “And I greatly apologize on their behalf. We’re just making sure it didn’t happen again, so I ask. Did you happen to find any traces of our family in your fine abode?”

“Well if you must know, I have not seen a single strand of dog hair until you two showed up on my doorstep.” He licks his paw nonchalantly.

“Not even Deepak?”

“Unfortunately no, I’m sure he would have been better company. Now if you don’t mind, I’m late for my afternoon meditation. So-”

Constantin proceeds to slam the door in our faces.

Well that was a bu-AAh!

I yank my paw out of Dolly’s mouth, bite marks lining the fur. “Dolly! Ow!”

The older pup snaps out of her fury. “Whoops, my bad dude. Constantin was pushing my buttons. Why were you just taking that garbage from him?”

I nurse my gnawed limb in the crux of my leg.

“I was being diplomatic! He wasn’t going to answer us if we goaded him. You know, the thing you were about to do before I stopped you. You’re welcome by the way.” I say sarcastically. 

Dolly just groans. “Ugh, fine! Lotta good it did us anyways.” Her annoyed tone turns into one of worry. “ Now what are we going to do? That was our only lead. Where did those pups go?”

“Who knows? We’re probably blowing things out of proportion by assuming the worst.” Not really convincing myself with this, much less Dolly. “Ok we should probably look for clues back home, maybe we can find where they went. Unless you want to check with our other neighbor…”

“Blach! Hard pass.” Dolly gags.

“Yeah I’m with ya on that.”

Clarissa would have been LESS amicable than Constantin.

“Come on, those pups aren’t going to find themselves, no matter how hard we want them to.”

=+=

“Dolly! Dipper! Kibbles, thank dog you’re here!” Dawkins comes running to meet us as we enter from the front door.

“Dawkins, what’s wrong!” Dolly answered.

Sounds like things got bad.

The tech savvy pup takes a moment to catch his breath. “It’s Dylan! He’s gone missing!”

Things definitely got bad.

“And…why do you say that?” I asked.

He takes out and shows us a red collar, one with a star as the tag.

Yeah that would do it.

Nuts. 

“Has anyone seen Debbie-May?! Her treats were left burning in the kitchen, she NEVER forgets to take her baking out on time!” Debbie-Lee called out from the kitchen.

Oh it gets worse!

“Dallas! Destiny! Where are you girls?!” Deja Vu yelled from the stairs.

Of course they were gone as well, why wouldn’t they?

“Kay~… no need to panic! Who’s panicking! I’m not!” Dolly said, definitely panicking.

“Alright that’s it. Everyone! Gather at the front!” I hollered. 

All the pups not at the front door run to the foyer as we all form a circle.

“Ok, did you guys see anyone else on your way here? Any other pup?”

The three other pups shake their heads. Balls. 

“Wow that was fast, alright everyone take a leash.”

I start handing each pup a leash from the cabinet “Tie it around their waist and shoulders. Make sure it’s secure.”

“You got a plan bro?” Dolly asked.

I hastily put on my vest, buckling every strap I could find. “More of a survival strategy at the moment. Now come on and take a leash.”

=+=

With my vest fastened to my torso, I tied each leash wrapped around and connected securely to my person. If you walked in right now, it would have looked like a dog was ready to walk his other dogs. That was fine, it would do for our goals right now. The one where we stay together.

“Everyone secure?” I ask as I put Dylan’s collar on for safe keeping.

Rounds of agreement reverberate between the four other pups. “Alright, that's confusing, I’m sounding off one by one. Dolly?”

“Here!”

“Dawkins?”

“Accounted for!”

“Debbie-Lee?”

“Present~!”

“Deja Vu?”

“...” 

Ah crap.

“Deja Vu?”

I turn to look where I thought she would be only to find a loose coil that was her leash.

Sans the actual pup it was supposed to be around.

Everyone else screamed.

Well that fell apart real fast. And now all the pups are latched onto my face. The three remaining start panicking.

“It got Deja Vu!” cried Dolly.

“What do we do?!” shouted Dawkins

“I DON’T WANNA BE TAKEN!!!” screamed Debbie-Lee.

“DIPPER, DO SOMETHING!” they all urged, strongly if their tightening grip was an indication.

Alternative plan it is. “Everyone to the basement!”

We all rush to get to the basement door. And when I mean we, I meant everyone else. I was slower on the upkeep than the rest of the family. Due to our current…attachments, it was three panicked pups pulling their slightly less panicked step sibling along. 

You do the math.

The door gets yanked open as the pups barreled in with me in tow. Dolly trips down the stairs, pulling me, then the rest of the pups, with. We all tumble down the steps, landing onto the open ground as a painful bundle of wrapped up puppies.

“Alright everyone who’s not dead let out a groan.” A series of moaning from three pups echoed in the empty dirt room. Good sign, good sign.

Disgruntled, we slowly untie ourselves from one another. When I get up, a very familiar but no less alarming series of cracking erupts from my back. Well at least whenever someone asks what’s crackalackin, I can answer with my bones, just as the elderly can. Was hoping I’d be older to make that joke.

Dolly cuffs me behind the ear. “Ow! The heck!”

“Some survival strategy you got there!” She angrily berates. “It didn’t even work! And now we’re down another pup!” 

The heck’s her problem? I’m trying my best here!

“Hey, it was what I could come up with on short notice! I didn’t see you come up with one! What, would you have done better, miss smarty pants?!”

“I don’t even wear pants!”

Dawkins tries to get in between us, “Enough! We don’t have time to bicker amongst ourselves!”

Shame it didn’t work. “I’m doing my darnest! Was I expecting a thank you? ~No~! But I wasn’t exactly asking to get smack upside my head, now did I?!”

“Oh my mistake, maybe I should fix the front as well!”

“ENOUGH!” A shout stops the both of us. 

Dolly and I are immediately yanked to the side to meet a startlingly angry Debbie-Lee face to face.

“I get that you both are ~antsy~ right now. BUT! The family is in trouble while you two are bickering like WHINY BABIES! Dylan’s gone which means you two are the ONLY ones who might have some clue how to fix this. So please, and I mean this in the nicest way possible,” She smushes our faces together, “FIX. THIS.”

We both share a look before staring back into the burning orbs of the normally cheerful dalmatian. The void calls and it’s filled with puppy furry.

“Kay.” The two of us respond simultaneously. Satisfied that we calmed down, she smiles widely as she releases our collars. Girl is scary when she’s mad.

“...Sorry for blowing up like that, Dipper.” What is this?! An apology?! From Dolly herself?! “Seeing Deja Vu going like that reminded me of last time. I couldn’t keep her safe, and now…it’s happening again.” She starts sniffling. 

And now I’ve made her sad. Bad Dipper! Stop emotionally traumatizing the family!

I rushed up beside her. “Hey hey! No need to cry. You made it this time with three other pups, that's more saved than before. Right you two?” Dawkins and Debbie-Lee nod in agreement. “We will find the family, wherever they have gone. I’ll make sure of it.”

Dolly smiles as she wipes her nose. “Alright, you little goober, I’ll put you up to it.” She aggressively nuzzles my face in. “So why the basement?”

“Well whatever took the family didn’t take me who was here all day. Just thought it might be a safe place to think up a better plan.”

Dawkins interrupts, “I hate to be the doggy downer in this situation, but what can we do down here? If my calculations are accurate, we’re trapped down here.”

“Yeah, I was sort of aiming for a better spot to think up something more coherent. Probably not safe to go out and ask our other neighbor, the thing out there could take us if we leave. So!” I clap my paws, “Did you three happen to notice anything out of the ordinary? Other than the lights.”

“Well…Dylan was less annoying this morning.”

“The kibble pump was oddly more tuned today.”

“I bedazzled a clock.” We all glance at Debbie-Lee. “What?! It was a small clock.”

“Ok, that was less helpful. Uh, maybe we can still hear them! Everyone put your ears to the walls! See if you can hear anyone. Especially you Dolly.”

“HEY! Was that a pass that my ears are big, dude? Not cool!” She rebuked.

“Of course they’re bigger, that means you can hear better right? Mine’s as good as a human’s so I’m useless right now.” Even so, I join in on listening to the walls.

A moment passes.

“You guys get anything yet?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Nothing here as well.”

“All I hear is this really annoying beeping.” Wait beeping?

“Debbie-Lee, where’s that beeping coming from?”

“Honestly I think it’s coming from…inside the basement,” She walks over beside the stairs, “like right here.” Lee paws the dirt. Wait, wasn't that where I buried…

I bolted over to where Debbie-Lee was and started digging furiously.

“Dipper, what is it?! Did you find something?!” Dolly rushes over to my side, eager to see my findings. Her enthusiasm is curbed when my findings are uncovered. “Uh, what is that?”

It was the capsule. The shiny chrome one back when I was hiding from everyone’s favors. Still as pristine as when it was uncovered. Only now sporting a blinking red light. That’s not ominous at all.

“I…have no idea.” I answer honestly. “Diesel found this under the house a while ago and thought it was mine, what with my collar tag branded on it and all.”

“Why have we only found out about this now?” Dawkins asks.

“Cause no one asked!” I say with a bright smile. Everyone else doesn't. “Ok, I just didn’t want questions I couldn’t answer. I was hoping I had more info on what this was but I never got it and before I knew it, I forgot about the thing.” 

You know it’s so much easier to be responsible for other people’s things rather than your own. 

“But now that we’re here, maybe there's a clue!” I pull it out from the dirt, dragging it over to Dawkins. “It wasn’t beeping when we found it, this might have caused the disappearances somehow. Think you can figure out it’s secrets?”

Tech savvy pup gives me a credulous look.

“Just because I fix everything in this household, doesn’t mean I know how all technology works, Dipper. I’ve never seen something like this before, what makes you think I can find out what it is?”

“Look I’m just not as experienced with these things, I didn’t want to mess with this in the odd case that it was a bomb or something.” I clap my paws together in a pleading prayer. “Please, you’re the only one I know who’s good at these things.”

“You got this Dawkins!” Dolly cheers.

“We believe in you!” Debbie-Lee adds.

“Alright alright! I’ll…try. But I make no promises!” He takes a look over the metal contraption, flipping it over. He puts an ear to the casing and knocks on the surface, echoing the insides. “Well good news, it’s not an explosive. Too hollow.” 

He turns it right back, eyeing the sides of the capsule. Dawkins finds what he’s looking for, pressing the side which pops open to reveal a keypad. “Here we are! This should be the locking mechanism that opens this capsule. All we need now is the key code!”

“Ugh! How are we going to figure that out? It’s probably one out of like, a gazillion different other bunch of numbers.” Dolly groans. She does have a point, the code’s roughly nine digits long. I can see at least five of these buttons have been used extensively, but that narrows it down from several million to like two fifths that much.

“No worries, it’s quite simple really.” Dawkins presses a sequence rapidly into the keypad. There’s a large sound of a bolt coming loose as the capsule hisses. 

We all look at him in awe.

“How’d you do that?” Debbie-Lee asked.

“Oh! The keycode is actually printed right here.” He pointed at the cover of the keypad, a long string of ones and zeros was printed on the metal. Took me a minute to figure out what it was.

“You…understand binary?” I asked.

Dolly raised a confused eyebrow. “What’s that, some kinda human number language?”

Dawkins just sighs. “Yes Dolly, it is. But we don’t have time to explain. Now,” he moves to one end of the capsule, by the larger handle, “it looks like this normally requires two humans to open. Dolly, Debbie-Lee? Take the other end.” 

“On it!”

“You got it, chief!”

“Dipper? Can you help me pull?”

“Roger dodger!” I salute as I join in to his left.

The tech savvy pup continues. “Alright, on the count of three, we all pull. Ready?” 

We all nodded.

“Three…two…one!” 

Everyone grunts from the exertion, the capsule being surprisingly stubborn. Slowly though the slide gives as the case cracks wide open. Welp, this is it. The big reveal. A plume of white condensation is released, obscuring the insides from view. That soon passes to show…

“Empty.” Dawkins stated.

I took exception to this. 

“What?! No! There’s got to be something here!” I exclaimed, diving into the hollow cavity. This thing’s got my logo on it, how can it be full of nothing! Unfortunately no matter how hard I search, there’s only curved metal walls to find.

I hear Dolly’s irritation in a groan. “Well that was a bust. Now what?”

“Wait, hold on! The beeping is still going! Maybe there’s another panel, or a hidden display that we’re not seeing!” I say, although panic starts creeping in. This was our last lead in a line of dead ends.

A puppy head looks down from outside the casing. “Dipper, come on. If there was anything there, would we even know what it meant?” Debbie-Lee reasoned.

Another pup joins her. 

“I’d need time to figure out what this means,” Dawkins points at the blinking red light, “and even if I did, I highly doubt it would help find everyone else.”

I finally pop my head out from inside the capsule, resting on the cavity’s edge.

This sucks.

“Shi-sl sticks!” I almost swore. “Now we’re back where we started. Only now we got a useless tin can!” 

I kicked the metal shell, nursing my now sore paw as the casing was harder than I thought. Really wish I asked where Diesel found this in detail other than “under the house”. Would have been super helpful right now.

“DIG!” 

A dirty pup cries out, everyone screaming at his surprise entrance. I recover first, putting my face in my paws in irritation. This guy. Really needs to stop showing up out of nowhere.

“Diesel!” Dolly screamed. She immediately goes to hug the pup, ignoring the dirt stains spreading on her fur. “Oh I’m so glad you’re alright! Where have you been?!”

He goes walleyed briefly.

“Digging.” Diesel responds.

Dumb questions, dumb answers. 

Looks like this guy avoided the entire debacle upstairs by being underground, just like I had in the basement. Perfect timing!

“Diesel!” I called out. The digger turned to address. “You remember where you found this thing?” I knock on the metal case.

“Yup!”

Ok good. “Great! Can you take us there?”

“Can’t.” 

“Wait what, why?”

“Giant pipe in the way.”

“Diesel, what giant pipe?” Dolly asked.

“The one that showed up today.” We all give each other a glance. Alright! Now we’re getting somewhere!

Dawkins put a paw on the digger’s shoulder, being careful not to dirty himself. “Can…you lead us to this…pipe, Diesel?”

“Sure!” The dirty pup replies.

“Oh! Hold on!” I stop him before he disappears into the dirt again. “Tie this around your torso so we don’t lose you too.” I hand him the leftover leash.

“Is that why you guys have these on?”

I nodded. “Remember the wall incident? Something similar happened to the family and we were trying to stay together to find them. Now tie this around yourself so we don’t lose you too.”

He looks at the cord. “Why pink?”

“It…used to be Deja Vu’s before she got taken.” I admitted.

Diesel gives me a concerned look.

“So? You gonna leave me hanging?”

=+=

“I can’t believe you guys just tossed them off like that.” I say through the bundle of leashes wrapped around my face.

Dolly snickers. “And I can’t believe you decided to keep them on you like that. What are you going to use them for, walking yourself?” 

Ha ha, very funny. “Well you never know when you’re going to need rope when spelunking, so there.”

“Pfff, dog! You’re starting to sound like Dylan.” She jests. Oof my pride, I'm gonna need an aspirin for that one. Wait, I’m a dog. I can’t have aspirin.

I’m going to shut up now.

“There there. I’m sure you’d make a great Dylan!” Debbie-Lee patted my back. Not really helping there, step sis.

“We’re here!” Diesel shouts. Oh thank god finally! Felt like we were walking for hours. 

Hold on…

“Hey Dawkins. How long have we been down here?”

“Approximately fifteen minutes, why?” Wow was I wrong. Guess my internal clock is shot.

Sigh. 

“No reason.” I look up at the massive underground column. “So what do you think of this?”

Dawkins walks up to inspect the structure. He gives the thing a knock, answering with a metallic echo. “Well this appears to be hollow for one, guess Diesel was right about it being a pipe.” He puts a paw against the pillar. “But I think it’s a little more than that. See these groves?” 

I take a look closer. Diagonal indents ran across the metal surface, almost like a…

“A drill?” I guessed.

Tech savvy pup nods at my hunch. “I believe so. If my estimates are correct, this ‘drill’ goes straight up to the house.”

I rub my chin. “So if we follow this ‘drill’...”

“We can find the family!” Dolly finished.

“Hooray!” Debbie-Lee cheered while blowing a party horn from…somewhere.

“Alright Diesel! Start digging downwards!”

We make our way deeper into depths unknown. 

Hopefully to wherever the family may be.

=+=

Far below the surface of the earth, under the dozen homes of Camden, an empty room stands concealed from the public eye. Few possess knowledge that such a secluded place exists, less know the reasons for why. No creature stirred in this obscure space, no rats scurried, no insects or spiders or worms made their homes here. Only the low vibrant hum of unseen technology echoed within this hollow den. Man had all but abandoned their secret territories, maybe on purpose, maybe by neglect. But in their absence, the owners have made sure that this singular chamber was inaccessible to any and every living soul.

Except for maybe four or five dalmatian pups.

A speckle of dust drips from the ceiling.

Then two more.

Finally the ceiling tile breaks, dropping everyone down onto the floor below. We land in a neat little puppy pile stacked vertically so. Oddly enough, there weren't many groans of pain this time. Well mostly just one.

Dolly chuckles, “Hehey, those leashes came in handy! Broke our fall nicely, huh Dipper...Dipper?”

“Mmphfm!”

“Oh! Guess that’s why the landing was so soft.” She snickered.

Yeah yeah, Dipper here, the butt of everyone’s joke, quite literally in this case, here to take all the pain. How did I even get at the bottom of the puppy pile, I wasn’t even in the front! And where’s my thanks for saving your tailbone? At least Debbie-Lee gave me a hug and Dawkins a pat on the head. You even landed on my face!

Ungrateful ingrate.

I brush off the excess dirt from my bruised nose as I look around. “So where are we anyways?”

“It’s so dark in here.” Debbie-Lee mumbled.

Sure was. Could barely see anything past my paw down here. Thank god my phone’s got a protective cover, that tussle would have broken less protected models. Although it’s also the reason my landing was so painful. I whip out the brick and turn up the brightness, taking a scan of the room. Too bad the room was big enough that my phone light illuminated jack shit. Nice to know the situation hasn’t improved yet.

At least Dolly was having a blast, “Hey, check this out. ECHO!”

“Echo!”

“echo!”

I roll my eyes, “Well at least someone’s having fun.”

“Hey, I’m doing my best here! I’m just echolocating .” She says like the family wasn’t in danger.

“Can your echolocation tell where we are? Where the family is right now?”

“Uuuuuuh-”

“Forget it-” I take a deep breath to calm down. “I am sorry. I have been getting anxious since all my efforts up to this point have been for naught. I should not be taking it out on you. I’m just…worried. About where we are. For all we know we could be anywhere in this subterranean sinkhole. It could be a buried office building full of haunted businessmen, it could be a secret laboratory with cruel and unusual experiments, it could be a-”

“Janitorial.” Dawkins says as he flips a switch, turning on the room’s lights revealing the scattered cleaning supplies decorating the interior of this drywall box room.

“...Custodian’s closet. Did not expect that.” I end lamely. “Why would someone make this down here of all places?”

No seriously how did someone get down here? Half way digging, we felt a massive tremor of the local subway, metro, whatever London has for underground trains pass by. By my estimates, although not as accurate as Dawkins’s are, we’d be about an apartment complex deep below a London suburb. That would have taken a significant amount of capital, not only to dig down so deep, but to do so without disturbing the homes above? This janitor’s “closet” was as big as a conference room, which meant whoever constructed this facility prepared to allocate this much space solely for the purpose of upkeep. There’s probably an exponential structure down here that we haven't even dented in exploration. Something smells like a cover up, and I’m not talking about the bleach.

“Maybe humans wanted to clean below ground too?” Debbie-Lee replied.

No one responds. Cause that certainly was an answer.

“What?! You’ve seen Hugo, he goes at it all day in that house of his!” The other pups slowly nod at the logical example.

“Fair.” I say as I check out our entry hole.

How…are we getting back?

I aim the dog hook up at the lip only to get ceiling tile dropped on my face. I try to wipe the bits out of my eyes with this being the second time I’ve had to rid myself of dust. That was a terrible idea. “Hey Diesel, you think you can dig us a way out?”

“...”

“Diesel? Buddy? You there?” I take a look around the room. The fur on the back of my neck rises. “Has anyone seen Diesel?!”

Everyone looks around, concern adorned on their faces.

“Look!” Dolly shouts. We look to where she motions. A trail of dirty paw prints and claw marks lead all the way to the only exit in the room. The door cuts the trail short.

All the pups immediately huddle up onto my position, shivering. Can’t blame them. That shit was ominous. 

Slowly I hand each of them a leash as they wordlessly tether themselves once again to my vest.

“Stick close. Don’t leave each other’s sight.” I warned as I hesitantly made my way to the only way out.

Everyone follows.

=+=

If things could not get more haunting.

Dim lit hallway.

Countless metal pipes and wiring adorning the walls.

Meshed scaffolding held over an indeterminate black void.

Mom, can I get off this ride? Spooky place is scaring me!

“Come on.” I motion, regrettably leading the hunt. Like who am I kidding here, I can hear my knees clicking together.

We all quietly make our way down the menacing corridor, or at least as much as four frightened dalmatian pups could muster. The whir of central air conditioning was much more audible, what with the bare piping. The drill tube we were following had cut into the wall and continued straight down into the depths below. Looks like our quarry is on a lower floor. 

Great! There’re tiers of this spooky crap. 

We’re going to be picked off one by one before we even see a single strand of hair from the fam by now!

“Gah!” See? Starting already. We all stop at the commotion.

“D-Lee, what’s wrong?” Dolly asked using a nickname.

Debbie-Lee rubbed her hindquarters. “Something sharp just poked my tushy!”

“...How?” I try to look around for anything sharp. The floor meshes were coated in that rough waterproof ground stuff you find on playground platforms to prevent slipping, but there’s nothing here that’d cause what she mentioned.

“Kibbles!” Dawkins jolts up suddenly. “I think I felt it too!”

The fuck is going on?!

Hang on…I think I see something glimmering through the floor. If I look carefully…

A pencil long needle shoots up through the mesh hole of the floor, several centimeters away from impaling my face. Clear liquid dripping from the tip.

“Waaooow~! I’ma feeling so SLE~epy right naow.” Debbie-Lee slurred.

“Me too~oo.” Dawkins garbles as well. “I belIE~ve we’ve been se~DATed!”

The two flop down, immediately passing out and are now snoring their cares away in a highly volatile situation. The one that me and Dolly have to deal with now.

“Grab Dawkins! I’ll get Debbie-Lee!” I say as I rush over to collect the fallen pup, needles spring up from where I stood. Dolly follows suit, picking up our other sleeping family member as she dodges several other sharp sedatives herself. The sound of metal unsheathing became deafening as more and more shot from through the floor.

“WHAT IS GOING ON?!” She screams over the strangely loud sounds of medical implements perforating, her paws dance around to prevent skewering and sharing the same fate as our sleeping family.

“IT’S A TRAP!” You know in hindsight, I don’t think anyone would want to be in the circumstance required to say that catchphrase. “WE GET NICKED, IT’S CURTAINS FOR US. GET TO THE DOOR!”

I motion to the door at the end of the hallway, a picture of stairs stamped on its front with concrete lining the frame. Sanctuary.

And so I book it, bobbing and weaving over the serrated metal threatening to knock us out for god knows what. My money’s on experiments. Dolly follows close behind, mostly so our leashes wouldn’t tangle us together into a stinging good night game over.

As we near the door, the floor before us transforms, now with every hole sporting a deadly point. Everything goes into slow motion as I make a last ditch effort, leaping with as much effort as I could carrying a pup on my back. It wasn't the distance I was going for. It was the air time.

I shot the dog hook at the door handle, the metal strikes with a sharp clang. As I reel in, I press a back paw down, stepping on the cord. This simultaneously turns the handle and pulls the door open, all while dragging me on to my desired target. The sound of Dolly shrieking behind me from being dragged along with my hair brained move was promptly ignored as I was far too busy trying not to fuck up and ropeburn my pads. Releasing the hook halfway, I spiraled midair through the doorway, tumbling onto the hard ground with a grunt. Miraculously, Debbie-Lee stayed on my back for the entire landing. Not so miraculously,  Dolly and Dawkins tumbles into the two of us into another puppy pile. The two of us pant under the slumbering canine youths to catch our breath.

“Hey. *huff* Nice moves back there. *wheeze* You should. *pant* Totally try skating.” She breaths.

“No. *cough* Thanks. *huff* Too busy. *hiss* Not dying.” I answered between gasps for air.

We lay there for a while. Two exhausted pups with two more snoozing pups on top of us.

Aaaaaand Debbie-Lee is a sleep drooler. Great.

=+=

“Man, this place is huge!” I exclaimed.

“Yeah, no kidding. It’s almost as big as the park.” Dolly agreed.

After resting for a bit, we continued down the stairs, thankfully solid and trap free. Still had to haul Debbie-Lee and Dawkins unconscious asses around but since we weren't running for our lives, it was relatively much less stressful. Didn’t take long to get to the last floor, it seems these steps only went down three flights. A door labeled main greeted us at the bottom. Good sign right?

When we entered the floor, we were not ready for the sheer scale of what was going on down here. It wasn’t just one floor, it was at least five. You know those scenes in sci-fi movies with the giant hangars filled with spaceships or mechs or something vaguely science themed? Yeah that was here. A massive expanse of mostly empty space, the ground floor littered with various complex technologies, beeping from the many blinking lights adorn the sides of giant screens. Dawkins would absolutely be drooling from the nerdy wet dream we were looking at and not from being knocked out cold.

Dolly looks in awe, “What human made this place? It must have cost a mint, Triple D would have had to do a job a day for a whole year to get the cash to set this up!”

“Don’t know and I'm really too tired to care right now. Debbie-Lee is about my size, it’s getting to be a literal pain on my back.” You try hauling your body weight while on all fours . That’s what it’s like. I turn to our right and despair once again. “Ah fuck me!”

“Hey! Watch your language!” Dolly instinctively covers Dawkins’s ears like he would have heard it in his sleep.

“Oh sod off!” I bite back despite reigning in my foul mouth. “I’m exhausted, you’re probably exhausted, and there’s ANOTHER flight of stairs down! That’s five floors worth of steps to get down.”

She looks to the long flight ahead of us and internally groans. She’s fighting the urge but I can see the pain on her face. It’s getting to her too.

“You know what, screw this. Got a plan.” Eyeing the railing, I hatched a plan. “Take off your leash for a moment. Dawkins’s too.”

Dolly looks at me confused until she sees me throw both leashes over the top of metal siding.

“Ooh! Are we gonna slide down!” She says with new found excitement.

“Yup! Now tie yourself to the other end.” she quickly binds herself and Dawkins in the leash loops

With every pup secured, I position myself on the outside of the fence. “Alright, you fastened?”

“Yup! Tighter than Dylan’s hold on the house!”

I looked concerned. “Uh, Dylan doesn’t have much control on the house to begin with.” She gives me a glare. “Kidding! Now on the count of three. Ready?...good. Three!” We push off.

You know those giant carousel swing rides? The things that put you in a chair, pull you twenty feet into the air, and swing around? Imagine that as a five story slide.

Needless to say, it was quite fun. Dolly was certainly enjoying it. Better yet, we didn’t crash horribly!

Yay for small victories!

“Wow! That was great! Sort of expected something humorously painful to happen but happy it didn’t!” I exclaimed.

“You really needed a win today, didn’t you?” Dolly asked.

“In all honesty, I really did.” I admitted. “It’s been nothing but crap from the universe since this morning. Alright! What now?”

She points to the drill in the distance. “There! The pipe leads to that big gray box thing in the distance! The family’s gotta be in there somewhere, right?”

“Best lead we got.” I shrugged.

We head on over to the large rectangular holding unit, passing by various monitors and consoles on the way over. Out of the peripherals of my vision, I noticed a very familiar symbol stamped in different corners. Dialis again.

Investigate later, pup search now.

We arrive to find a massive steel door, like the ones you see in banks if they were like a huge brick.

I scratch my head at the conundrum it addresses. “How are we going to open this door? It’s gotta weigh over a metric ton!”

“Why don’t we use the doggy door?” Dolly suggests.

“What doggy door?”

She points to a smaller square labeled, “For animal use only” down near our level. A simple red handle marked our way in.

Just…just why?

Dolly reaches for the handle, but I stop her before she enters.

“Oh, what now?!” She grumbles. 

“We don’t know what’s in there, remember the hallway?” She chews her lip. “We gotta prepare. Hang on.” 

I go behind a console a few feet back, depositing Debbie-Lee gently before heading back. On the way I pick up a discarded wrench from the floor. “Go put Dawkins with Lee for now. And take this with you. For protection.”

Dolly goes to drop Dawkins off with his slumbering sister, returning with wrench firmly in mouth.

“Alright, you get the left side, I’ll open the door. Anything comes at you, swing low then run for the pups.”

“What then?”

I thought for a moment. 

We’re deep underground in some seemingly abandoned facility like a James Bond movie without the James Bond skills. Our return strategy is gone and we’re two pups down, it’s a miracle we’ve survived this long. We’ve been going down here on the assumption that the rest of the family is down here. Same with whatever happened to Deja Vu and Diesel.

But what if I’m wrong.

I haven’t been full of good ideas today. The leashes were a bust. Basement was only a temporary solution at best. That capsule was hollow and helped with absolutely nothing. For all we know, this could be some arc of the covenant, releasing Pandora's box bullshit. This has all been new for me. No prior show knowledge, no info. Here be the deep end and I forgot my floaties.

“We’ll do our best.” Is all I can say. No use doubting our choices now, not like we’d do something different anyways either. “So you ready?”

Dolly nods.

Paw toes crossed, I pulled the handle.

The door creaks with the sounds of scrapping metal as I strain myself to hold it open. A rush of warm air rushes out, blowing past us and obscuring our vision with the temperature difference. Here we go. Into the breach.

A figure steps out.

“HIA!” Dolly swings hard, knocking the wind out of whatever came out. She winds up for a second strike as I realize who she was beating the living tobacco juice out of.

“STOP! Ceasefire!” I ran to yank the wrench just in time before Dolly gave the other creature a concussion. “It’s Dylan!” the creature who just happens to be her brother.

“Ooooow. Dolly~, what gives?” The pup rubs his bruised chest.

The assailant just stammers in confusion. “D-Dylan?! The heck are you doing?! Don’t just…walk up on me like that!”

“That doesn’t excuse you for taking a swing at your own brother. What were you doing with a wrench anyways?” He asks.

“Dude, where’ve you been?! We’ve been looking for you and the family!” I interrupted.

“The family? They’ve been here with me all day. Where have you been?”

My eye twitches. “...What?”

“See for yourself!” The two of us walk past him inside. We both gasped at what we saw.

It’s…like an amusement park. A really high tech one. For dogs.

Pups were running around, playing with the many facilities located around. Delgado was racing several brothers and sisters on what seemed like a race track, a digital clock keeping time up above. Randomized objects would manifest in front of the pups as they ran through an adaptive obstacle course. Da Vinci was painting on a wall, not with paint but with some kind of built in touch screen. The floor rose up below her so she could reach higher on her mural. In another corner, the Dimitries were talking to some screen showing various chew playthings on display. They settle on some amalgamation of a chicken leg, a turtle, and a lamb chop, pressing a button at their feet three times. A triple set of said chew toys pops out in front of them, the trio happily taking their new toys for a gnaw. Deepak was meditating on what appears to be a levitating bubble. His mouth was chanting but no sound was coming out, the thing must be sound proof. And if I do believe, that’s D.J. on a turntable. With a dance floor.

It was a canine paradise.

“I…just…what?” I cannot even right now.

Dolly, on the other hand, was taking this enthusiastically. “Wooooaaaah! What is this place?!”

“No idea!” Dylan exclaimed helpfully. “Dizzy and Dee Dee were the first ones to find all this. Don’t really know how I got here myself, but dog am I glad that I did!”

“Dolly! Dipper!” Two pups come up to greet us with hugs.

“This place is amazing!”

“There’s a skate park down here, Dolly! A skate park!”

Their older sister lights up. “Skate park?! Where?!”

Dee Dee points out a series of inclines to our left. The three rush over there to check it out. Dolly presses something on the floor, which comes to life around her. Robotic arms spring forth to strap a helmet and a set of knee guards on the pup, perfect for her size. She takes another step and a slick jet black skateboard is deposited before her. Dolly immediately jumps on, doing a kickflip before shredding down the halfpipe.

“...Say Dylan.”

“What’s up, Dipper?”

“Did…you happen to see Deja Vu or Diesel by any chance.” Better cover my bases.

“Oh yeah! They popped in not too long ago. Deja Vu joined the rest of Triple D on the runway while I think Diesel’s enjoying that digging simulation over there.” He points over to both directions.

In the far back, several pink stage lights shine down on a carpeted path. The diva’s were strutting their stuff in fancy clothes as robotic arms with cameras snapped pictures of their poses. In the other corner, a giant tower of dirt stretched to the ceiling. Several holes had been dug out, the pup in question sticking his head out now and then before diving back into the elevated ground.

“Say, are Dawkins or Debbie-Lee with you guys? I couldn’t find them anywhere here.”

As if on cue, a pair of yawns comes from the doorway as two pups sleepily walk in. 

“What’s all the commotion about?” Dawkins says groggily. Oh look who decided to wake up right now! Would have helped my ass back at the stairs when we didn’t have to carry your collective butts down. Well at least you two got your winks O'forty, huh?

“Dawkins! Debbie-Lee! You guys gotta see this!” Dylan goes to greet the two snoozers who wiped the drowsiness out of their eyes to experience the awe of the wonderland before them.

“Ki~bbles.” Never heard him use his catchphrase in that tone of voice.

“Yowsers!” That I can imagine Debbie-Lee saying.

“Hey, guys! Check this out!” Dylan runs over to another screen.

We slowly walked over to the console our frantic brother was fussing about. It didn’t look like much, but the last one made custom chew toys so who knows, probably Dylan.

“What…are we looking at?” Dawkins asks.

“This, my brothers and sister, is a food dispenser!” Well that's just great dude. I- “But not just any old food dispenser! This can produce kibble with any kind of flavor!” 

He starts typing on a keyboard that materializes from the ground. Up on the monitor, the mouthwatering image of a T-bone steak appears on display, which causes Dawkins and Debbie-Lee to drool. Embarrassingly enough, I start salivating at the picture as well, our little escapade went past lunch. With a smirk, Dylan presses enter. Seconds later, three bowls were filled to the brim with the brown pellets I remember and loathe. 

“Dig in!” He exclaimed.

But before the other two pups could take a bite, I held a paw before them.

“Hold up…is this stuff safe?” I asked.

Dylan’s good cheer gets knocked down a peg. “Why do you ask?”

“Maybe I’m just paranoid, maybe I’m just grumpy for the trip here. But you sure it’s ok to just…trust this place? For all we know, this food is laced!” Oh yeah, believe in the weird future pleasure island under the house. Where all your dog dreams come true. Absolutely no bad things happen when you indulge. Nothing to question here! Totally not suspicious!

“Dipper, it’s okay! I tried some myself. You’ll be fine, you worry wort.” He takes a pawful of the kibble and gobbles it, much to the detriment of my nerves. “Mmmmmm, rare steak~!”

I glare at the dog, less because of his tone and more about his action. That was the same thing I did with the carob chips! How dare you use my trick against me! The disrespect!

The two other pups take their brother’s consent at a cue to eat. Seems like I wasn’t the only hungry pup.

“My word, how exquisite!”

“Oh my dog, this is so GOOD~!”

Betrayal! Treason! Where’s your survival instinct! Bet you guys left it back in the hallway, didn’t you? You two weren’t avoiding a death trap with twice your bodyweight! Maybe I should boot you back upstairs with the needles again and see how YOU fare. Ho boy! Need to stop being so heated. Working on empty right now.

Dawkins gets up from his meal to pat me with reassurance. “Dipper, don’t worry so much! If this sustenance had been tampered with, I’m sure we’d be seeing the adverse effects transpiring already.”

Debbie-Lee joins in. “Yeah! You really are sounding like Dylan!”

“...I’m not that bad am I?” I pout.

“Hey, I’m right here you know!”

Fine, I’ll try the sus food. I slowly dip down, taking a mouthful of the kibble before chewing. To my utter surprise, it tasted like steak!. With the texture of dry food of course but it was the familiar taste of a rare slab of beef. My human sister was a bigger fan of steak than I was, but I’ve had decent steak before. This…dog food was ranked in the top eight. That was saying a lot. Sweet jesus I’ve missed this taste. Hearty meat. A hint of asparagus giving it that right touch. The subtle flavor of garlic…

Wait.

I stop chewing, giving Dylan a wide eye stare. 

“You sure this is fine to eat?” I say with cheeks full of kibble.

He merely scoffs. “Dipper, it’s fine! And what did I tell you about talking with your mouth full? Dog, you are starting to sound like me.”

Hmmm. He did take that mouthful of the very same kibble we’re gobbling. If there was garlic in this, I’m sure it would have done damage by now. 

I swallow.

=+=

The three of us finish our food in relative peace, as relatively peaceful with the entire pup family playing around us could be. It was…oddly satisfying for a meal of dry meat cereal. The day I’d say that about kibble. What this world, huh.

Afterwards, my exploring companions broke off to their own antics in this high tech carnival extravaganza. Dawkins was a child in a candy shop down here, what with the various obviously experimental technologies this place was chock full of. He settled on a holographic design space, going all Tony Stark to devise how to possibly make a real life “rocket elevator”. 

That’s…gonna be a nightmare to deal with later.

Debbie-Lee on the other hand went to discover Debbie-Lou at the runway corner. Turns out her sister was given all the tools needed to make those fancy dresses Triple D were showing off to the cameras. With the two sisters on the job, those outfits just got a whole lot flashier.

And then there was me. Figuring out how the hell we all getting out of this place. Hopefully alive.

The route back was a no go. Dolly probably filled in all the details to her brother already. That pup would never let the family even remotely close to the  spike riddled hell, I sure as balls didn’t want to. Why would anyone go through a death trap twice? How hard do you think that would be as a ninety nine puppy escort mission? I can feel my blood jump a rate just thinking about it. That still leaves us with the question about how in the nine craptastic hopdoddies are we gonna leave. Wonder if Dylan’s got a plan.

I walked up to the older pup, who was interacting with some interactive solar system model. “Hey, Dylan?”

“Yes Dipper?”

“Do…you have any idea how to get back home?”

“Oh, you can use the elevator.” He says nonchalantly.

Hold the fuck up.

“...I’m sorry…the what?”

“Yeah, the elevator!” Dylan points to a rather wide pillar. “Turns out there’s an elevator going back up to the house over there. I actually went up to find you guys but you weren’t there. Must have missed each other.” He shrugs.

Hole.

Lee.

Cuck.

Nuts.

“So we could have left at any time!” I yelled.

“Well I didn’t see a reason to go now .” I immediately head to the support in question. “Wait, where are you going?” He runs up to follow to my left.

I promptly ignored him. “I”M going home! I’m tired, I’m sore, this is bull, and there’s been an exit for the entirety of this whole conversation!”

“Hold on! What does bovines have to do with it?”

Right before I get to the pillar, Dylan jumps in between me and my destination.

“Why are you this thick headed, get out of my way!” I move to the left, he mirrors me. We doing this now?!

“Co~me on, don’t you want to try out all this neat stuff?” He continues to keep me from the exit. “Don’t you want to see the projected scale model of the solar system? Oh! Maybe we can get an augmented reality roleplay of Poodlewolf going! How does that sound?”

I stop moving. “Alright. What’s this about?”

“...Huh?”

“You seem to be really insistent that I stay. What for?”

“What?! Pfff nooooo, you’re just being paranoid again.”

I purse my lips, unconvinced.

“Okay fine!” He cracks. “I just thought you needed…a break.”

“Why?!”

“Well you’ve been down in the basement for so long that…everyone's been getting worried. You just…eat your food, do your chores and immediately disappear. It’s like you…went back to the cage again.”

Oh.

“I’ve been trying to find a way home, dude.” I argued

“And you’ve been working very hard! Trust me, I know a little bit about hard work. But you haven’t done ANYTHING else! I haven’t seen you bite a single chew toy or join us for a walk. When I do catch you outside the basement, you’re always glued to that phone of yours. If I didn’t know any better, it’s almost like you were a human.”

That shut me up real good. 

Turns out my work life balance is absolute shit. To be fair I don’t really have a job but excuses excuses, huh?

Just like this one. “...You know I hate exercise, man.”

“You sure do, Dipper, you sure do.” Dylan puts a paw around my shoulder. “But there’s so many fun things here! All this nifty tech, maybe there’s something you’d like! Take a look! Go Wi~ld!”

“...Al~right! I’ll go see.” He did seem genuinely concerned. I’ll give it a shot.

So what do we have? 

Skate park? No. That’s Dolly’s thing. 

Race track? Hard pass. Exercise hate was an excuse, not a lie.

Dance floor? I’m…not a dancer.

Runway? Oh hell no! Not photogenic either.

Wall art? Mmmmmm, I kind of don’t want to intrude on Da Vinci. She seems to be using most of the blank real estate already. Man, for all the cool fun entertainment here, I just can’t seem to find-

Is that a gamepad?

“Dipper?” Dylan calls out as I rush over to the monitor.

Story time!

I loved video games. How much? When I was younger, my dad would bring me to Best Buy or Target or whatever supermarket and leave me at the video game section of the store. I had fond memories of playing Ratchet & Clank and even later, Donkey Kong Jungle Beat. From there it only grew. I’d scour through the Big Fish Games library for free demos, seeing how much I could play under the hour and a half time limit. I once played a demo version of Zapper, a Frogger clone with a cricket as the main character, straight from seven in the evening all the way to the morning. This one wasn’t timed, rather it was based on the session login number or how many times you open the application. So the moment you exit the game, the demo expires. Finished the entire game, from start to credits, right before I needed to go to school. Yeah that’s right, it was a school night! Poor decisions were made that day. One of them being the choice to go into game design and development, but that’s another story for a later time.

Yes my mom thought I might have had a gaming addiction, why do you ask?

I examine the set up on display. It was a simple affair, a single flat screen monitor with a controller, an Xbox universal, hooked up to an unseen console. I take the controller in both paws, the grips are perfectly sized so that I had no trouble accessing all buttons. That should have been the first sign the gamepad was different. 

It’s designed for a puppy.

A keyboard and mouse pop up from the ground, raising up to be level with my chest. The screen comes to life as an unfamiliar operating system opens up. Whatever it was, it wasn't Windows. What was familiar was the steam application. 

Should stop being so surprised all the time. Better for my blood pressure. Can puppies get heart attacks? You know what, I’m not willing to take that chance.

I hear a voice from behind. “Hey he~y! A fan of electronic entertainment, I see! Whatcha got there?” Dylan tries and apparently fails to relate.

First off, haven’t heard those two words in a long time. Been a while since E3.

Secondly, dude, I’d say you sound like my dad but the old man just clicks his tongue whenever I mention video games nowadays.

“You could say that.” I continue on as I log into my account.

Weird. I remember usually having a hard time recollecting passwords. Kept relying on Google's password logging functions to manage my list of logins. Haven’t gotten onto steam in weeks and here I am, first try.

Oh well who cares, game first questions later!

“Wooooaaaah, I didn’t know you had so many games!” Dylan gazes in awe at my collection. Over five hundred titles, baby! Got games for literal days here.

“Yeah, there’s a lot you don’t know about me, my guy.” More than you know, which is perfectly fine with me. 

I scroll through the list, gotta put on something relatively kid safe. Too many kiddies around. As fun as Doom would be, I’m also sure that the pup besides me would not approve of the copious amount of “strawberry jam” being spilled.

…Actually I think he’d faint first. But then he’d wake up, reprimand me for playing something so age inappropriate, tell the parents, and then I’d never be able to play video games again. I can’t have this taken from me. Not again.

So what to play? No brutal violence, so no guns. Just Cause series is out.  So is the Far Cry franchise. No Bioshock, no matter how fun that is. No Borderlands. No Darksiders. Nothing zombie related either.

Like hell am I playing Postal 2 in front of children.

Can’t play online, don’t know it can connect to the servers of this world at all. Computer controls are a no go as well, don’t want to figure out that with only four working digits. I also want to play something quick, so nothing with a big story or long setup. Probably not a good time to start a new game right now, lord knows that makes up like ninety percent of my entire library. Come on! There’s gotta be something!

One title popped up.

“Fight Crab? Never heard that one before. What’s it about?” Dylan asks.

“Oh you know, it’s about crabs. Fighting. Says it all in the title.” I say without a hint of sarcasm as I started the download.

The other pup gives me an annoyed look that dissipates when he sees my grinning face, now holding a slightly less annoyed smirk. “Ha ha, very funny, Dipper.”

“I know it is. Wanna join?” A second controller appears from under the floor, to which I take and hand over to Dylan.

He nervously takes the gamepad in his paws. “Me? But I don’t know how to play.”

“The controls are cumbersome I will admit, but I can walk you through it. Besides, I want to kick your butt.”

“Oh, you are SO on!” He grips the controller with determination. We both prepare for the biggest Fight Crab match of the century.

The lights go out.

Both of us just stare at the black screen that once had crabs ready for fighting. The surround sound of puppy disappointment echoed around us. I merely grumbled.

“What happened?!” I hear Dolly cry out within the dark.

All the screens light up once again but only showing a scrolling message

[15% POWER REMAINING. ENERGY SAVING MODE HAS BEEN ACTIVATED. PROCEED TO NEAREST EXIT IMMEDIATELY]

Several dotted lines illuminate the ground, all leading to the elevator.

“So much for Fight Crab.” I huff, putting the controller down.

“Certainly was bad timing.” Dylan grumbled as well. “Alright, I’ll go on ahead. Can you and Dolly get the pups to the elevator? It should hold about…three or four pups per trip? DOLLY?!”

“Heard you the first time, ya old YELLER!” Disconcerting that Dolly referenced that movie. “Dog, this is going to take forever !”

I make my way over to the exit. “Well it won’t go faster if we’re just idle chit chatting. You want this over? Start making a line.”

=+=

I think the elevator ate our dumbwaiter.

“Finally it’s over!” Dolly exclaimed as she exited into the hallway. “Felt we were going to be down there permanently!”

“Dolly, we were getting the pups back home for only a half an hour.” Dawkins follows along.

“Sure felt like days.” She says sarcastically.

Dylan walks up to greet us. “Is that all the pups? We didn’t miss it, right? I counted up here but I just wanted to make sure.”

“It was empty besides the three of us when we left, so you tell me.” I retorted.

“Well, I for one, am glad that’s all fine and dandy.” Dolly stretches before leaping away. “Later!”

“I should probably get the kibble pump ready for dinner. Some of us haven’t had our fill below.” Dawkins also walks off, leaving the two of us back in the hall.

“Sorry we didn’t get to play your game. Who knew the place had a limit.”

“Eh, it was dubious anyways. No big loss right?” Half true. That room had like twenty types of tech far beyond what I knew was the latest. Luckily before I left, I noticed a small recharge timer until full on the side of the elevator. That’s the good news, bad news is that it’s set to be months later. Sucks, but what can you do? “...Thanks for trying anyways.”

“What are brothers for?” Dylan resolved. “Come on, let's go eat.”

I walk off towards the stairs. “You can go eat, I’m full of steak flavored kibble. This puppy’s going for a nap.”

Today has been…more than hectic. Disappearances, death traps, and delights, I’m just glad it’s over. Despite all that tech most definitely coming from the Dialis company, I’m actually farther away from finding my way home. The capsule was an empty can and whatever was down below would take forever to recharge again. I’m…I’m done. 

Dylan chuckles. “Okay, Dipper.”

=+=

“Hey Dante!”

The goth dalmatian turns to face his sister. “What is it this time, Dolly?”

His sister’s nose scrunches up. “Okay, wow, rude much?”

“Well I’m sorry but awfully horrid things happen whenever you’re asking for something, I don’t need to predict the future to see that.” He says as a matter of fact.

“Yeesh, I just wanted to know if you knew another good ghost story, no need to get personal.”

“Ghost…story?”

“Yeah, ghost stories! Dipper told me you spun a mean yarn about the wall incident earlier. I was wondering if you knew any other spooky tales, gonna scare the kibble out of Dylan next time he gets too snippy!” Dolly rubs her paws at the hypothetical haunted face of her responsible yet naggy brother.

Dante on the other hand looks confused. “What ghost story? I deal in predictions into the FUTURE, not some made up fabrication of dread. When I speak, it will be about the totally real, not made up, oncoming DOOOOOOM!”

“...but the walls did eat everyone. That actually happened.”

He shakes his head. “I don’t know what to tell you, sis, but I don’t remember telling any ghost story.” Dante then walks off. 

Leaving Dolly to ponder what he meant.

Chapter Text

Oh what a day. What a lovely lovely day!

The sun was shining, it wasn’t that cold out, the pups were out back once again, and I was alone on the front steps, left to my own devices in a rare moment of calm reprieve. The postman came on a bike, delivering several pieces of mail including the morning paper. The orange vested civil servant was reluctant in his approach to our house. I couldn’t blame him, this place must be a black mark for the postal delivery service, what with the amount of canines on this street.

“Oh no…” He says nervously when he sees me waiting at the door. “Niiiiice puppy.”

I merely stay quiet, mostly because anything I say would only come out as barking.

Postman gently puts down the correspondence in front of me, flinching away when he lets go. When he’s not immediately mauled by puppy teeth, he opens an eye he had tightly shut. The only thing he sees is the lone pup sitting patiently in front of the paper bundle presented to him.

I’ve tortured the postman long enough. Getting up, I wave goodbye to the guy, collecting the mail by strapping it to my vest. I give him a nod before using the scanner and returning to the house.

“What in the…” is the last thing I hear before the dog door locks behind me.

I make my way down the hall to the kitchen with the mail, throwing the lot up onto the dining table. A quick lift from the dog hook gets me up onto the counter. Managed to find a kettle and fill it half way with sink water. Popped that sucker on the fire on high while I pulled a dry cup from the cupboards, the prep work already spread on the counter prior. 

Time for tea!

Mmmmmm, honey chrysanthemum! My favorite childhood tea. Grew up on that shit through colds and sore throats. Normally my family used to buy a certain instant brand but it got increasingly rare to find as years went on. Now, well, I’ve heard that most teas have caffeine mixed in. Remember! Canines can’t have such substances, so we can't have that now can we. Instead, I had procured a jar of fresh dried chrysanthemums. The house happens to have honey stocked and several tea balls already, so we are gold! 

Ha! Brits. Always ready for tea.

Ball filled. 

Honey set. 

Kettle whistles. 

Add some hot water, carefully poured. 

A few dips to seep and voila! One steaming cup ready to cool.

With the cup clipped, I meticulously held the scalding liquid by the teeth. 

You know Dawkins designed these “mouth clips” so canines could carry cups without having to walk three legged or careen our necks ninety degrees, but since no one used cups, they just kind of got forgotten. Glad he did though, saved me time and a cup of tea!

Walking along a makeshift bridge from the counter to the table, I sat down in front of a serving tray. The wooden board acted like a counter, reaching up to my midsection. It was like sitting at the table…on a table. 

Heh.

Silly things aside, let’s look at what we have! Other than the newspaper, it seems like we got ourselves a bunch of magazines.

Skate World: For the Gnarly Dude in You! Must be Dolly’s. Did not know she read.

Glam Wow! Beauty tips, tricks, and trendy trends. Obviously Triple D.

Science Side: The Technological Future is Now. Not sure if this one’s Dawkins’s or Dylan’s.

SPACE: A Monthly Guide. Ok, that’s definitely Dylan’s.

Wow of Miow Memoirs Issue 67. No doubt this one's Deepak’s.

Craft Sister’s Hobbies for the House Spouse. This one probably goes to one of the Debbies, but I can’t tell which. Maybe they share.

Wild Styles: Creativity Unleashed! Da Vinci? Or maybe D.J.

Punk Stars Revolution: Remember the Rock!...The Dimitri Trio?

Man this house gets a lot of subscriptions. 

Come on, I know mine is in here somewhere. Where is- Aha!

Indie Way!

Our little incursion below and almost getting access to my steam account again got me connected to a part of myself I thought I’d never see again, so I thought, why not get re-intouch with video games? Probably can’t get myself a gaming rig despite being able to afford one, would not survive an hour with the pups. 

I still remember what Triple D did with Dylan’s Dogstar 3000. So gross.

Not sure if buying a console is a good deal either. Same reason as the PC and I probably shouldn’t hog the flat screen no matter HOW much I want a PlayStation, I have a bad habit of playing too long starting a new game. Handheld? Another thing to keep track of. It’s already a hassle to make sure my phone’s alright to begin with. Mobile games? Come on, I couldn’t call myself a gamer if the only thing I played was on my phone.

So what’s left?

Mostly just gaming news and paraphernalia. Since delicate game merch is out of the question, you might be asking me, why a magazine? So old fashioned, I could just look up gaming news online! And you’d be right. But what the trip under the house told me, or more likely what Dylan had stated, I look at my phone far too much. I mean, it’s the only personal entertainment I got to myself. Video, music, everything on a single expensive brick. I’m due to unsticking my face to a screen and now was as good a time as any. 

Looking up for a good newsletter…is a lot harder than it looks, and that’s not just because I was on a different continent. Turns out Game Informer, one of the largest gaming magazines that I remember…does not exist. Like straight up its Wikipedia page…gone. It’s such a weird psychological whiplash when you see familiar names appear but others just don’t. Google but no Bing and the like. And where there were branding gaps, new names came up. Shiba Inno. Dialis Company. Ever heard of a Berklys’s? That’s a special brand of trouser!

Don’t ask me how I figured that out.

So in my search for a title, I found Indie Way, a world wide gaming monthly magazine focused on independent studio video games. It’s got top ten lists by genres, upcoming showcases, editor’s picks, AND it comes with coupon codes to use on steam for select titles! Can’t argue with sales now can I.

…

Did you know the Poodlewolf franchise is just like the Warhammer license? Make sense seeing how multimedia it is, having toys sold in bodegas, tabletop role playing games, and mobile titles. At one end, some studio’s making what looks like a combination of Okami and Breath of the Wild. On the other is a cat and dog themed Dark Souls. 

Video games are wild.

“There you are.” A voice calls out from the hallway.

“Yahuh?” I intelligently answer back, nose still in my magazine. Putting down the manual revealed who entered.

Dawkins walks in. “So this is where you’ve been. Always wondered where you disappear to whenever the family’s outside.”

“Yeah, you could say I’m an indoor pup.” Was preparing for a sedentary lifestyle before caninification. “Also the family’s good in moderate quantities.”

He chuckles. “Indeed. So what do you have there?”

“Magazines and tea! Subscriptions came in today. Science Side’s yours?” I hold up said newsletter.

“Oh why yes it is! Thank you for getting the correspondence. Could you toss it over here?”.

Ok…I rolled up the magazine, bound it with a rubber band, and lobbed it over. Dawkins jumps up, catching the parcel by the teeth. Like a dog.

Sometimes I forget everyone’s a canine.

Dawkins takes the magazine out of his mouth. “So, I assume you’re just taking some ‘Dipper’ time, hmmm?”

“More or less.” I take a sip of tea before pulling out a pen, scribbling in the newspaper. “You want the current events?”

“Oh! You have the weekly print as well, what are you doing with it?”

“Sudoku.”

“Huh. You don’t seem like a one for numbers.” Oh is that how it is?

“I mean I also got the funny pages too.”

“Now that sounds more like the Dipper I know.” That’s it.

“Probably sounds better than a failed rocket elevator I’d assume.” I crack a smirk.

Turns out the little nightmare I saw forthcoming down below in what I’m calling the Dream Room came true, Dawkins did indeed re attempt to make another rocket elevator. And as predictably, it came crashing down. About several blocks away. Seems that fool proof design didn’t take access to materials into account. Who knew a lawnmower with three car batteries could be so volatile. We still had a massive hole in our ceiling to deal with again, though. Triple D were not pleased.

“I’m still calibrating!” He pouts.

I snicker at the pup’s whining. “Yeah yeah I know you are. Tell that to the divas, they had to pull double duty on their day off you know. Preferably with something that doesn’t explode.”

A loud commotion blares behind the screen door leading to the backyard.

“Oh dear, whatever could that be?” Dawkins asked.

I internally cross my non existing fingers. “You think it’s just the family being rowdy?”

“Unless they’re having a shouting contest, that sounds like someone’s screaming about,” he raises an ear, “purloined goods?”

Balls. 

“...You think we can let this one slide?” 

More cries erupt from outside, sounding an awful lot like Dylan and Dolly.

“Not likely, no.” Of course.

I sigh as I put down the pen.

Guess it was a lovely day now.

=+=

“For the last time! We do NOT have your stuff, Clarissa!” Dylan shouts to the fence

“Hogwash! I know one of you took it!” Our neighbor shrieks.

Great, another residential squabble. With our least favorite resident.

“And what would we want with your stupid…bedazzled egg thing anyways?” Dolly griped.

The corgi huffs. “You riff raff are always trying to cause me such grief, mocking my good name behind my back when you think I’m not listening! I bet you’re just laughing it up, Dolly Dalmation!”

“Oh well if you’re bothered by the rumors, we can always insult you to your face.” I interrupted. Dawkins followed behind me as I walked up. “What’s this about a faberge egg?”

Clarissa bites her tongue at my presence but only briefly, looks like she’s getting used to me. Pity.

“I-I noticed this morning that several expensive personal items were missing around my abode. Including my prized decorated cackleberry!” She works up the audacity to talk back. “I’m willing to bet it was one of you mutts that took it! Probably just to spite me!”

I merely tilted my head at the accusation. “The tacky thing you keep on your fireplace?”

“H-how do you know where-” I’m getting real tired of people asking me how I know.

“You have a glass roof, I can see everything when I go birdwatching.”

The primadonna gasps. “I bet it was you!!! You’re the one who did it! I’m alerting the authorities about this immediately!”

“Yeah sure. Go show Pearl all that incriminating evidence you don’t have. You should know how important that is in an investigation.” I hear the Dimitries hooting at the jeer from the side. Ho ho! They know. You can’t see this but I can feel I have a nasty wicked smile on my face.

“I-I-I don’t need to take this!” Clarissa stammered as she looked away. “Especially from some… mixed breed mongrel!”

The whole family hollers at the jab. You know the one where everyone goes “oooooh!” when someone gets roasted? Whatever she was insinuating to my face, it must be a dog thing cause the insult entirely went over my head. But if she’s mocking…

“You sure you want to go down this road?”

Her chest swells. “Like someone who isn’t purebred would understand.”

Oh we doing this.

“Do…you happen to know what purebred means?”

She gives me a halfway glance. “A better breed of canine?”

“Inbred.”

The color on her face falls.

“Hey Dawkins. What are they talking about?” Dolly whispers from the background.

“You…don’t want to know.” Dawkins says with some disgust.

I continued on. “I mean, I’m sure you’d know. Corgis never happened naturally, your stubby legs are a biological disadvantage. ‘Purebred’ was an arbitrary human concept made by eugenics, which actually doesn’t mean healthy at all but more along the lines of complete genetic disaster. Face it, you're Frankenstein's monster.” I would of had more...colorful things to say, but there's kids in the audiences.

Egotistical midget canine flaps her gums trying to come up with a response before screaming, running off back inside her home.

“Make sure your parents aren't related!” I yell back.

Ah! Sweet sweet vengeance, always refreshing to dunk on the salt of the earth. While I can’t get her arrested again, getting her to shut up is a close second. The pups cheered at the corgi’s departure.

“Wohow! I’ve never seen her run off like that.” Dylan walks up to my left.

A paw slams across my back, slapping the wind from my lungs. “Way to go, Dipper! You showed that snobby pooch who’s boss!” Dolly praises.

“Thanks, but don’t expect much next time. That was like three months worth of insults in the span of five minutes.” I responded. There’s only so many ways to call someone a dingus.

She just chuckles. “Well it worked! Clarissa’s gonna be inside for a good while. Come on, who’s up for tug o’war!”

The pups start calming down as everyone disperses to their own devices. Almost everyone. There’s something I need to check.

“Diesel? You there?” I pat the ground. You think he can feel that?

The question gets answered as the dirty digger pops his head up next to me. 

“Digging?” He asked.

“Not this time buddy, need your nose for a thing.” I walk over to the porthole of the fence. “Can you take a whiff of Clarissa’s place? Let me know if you smell anything…new in her house.”

Diesel nods before walking up to the fence and taking a long sniff.

He ruminates for a moment. 

His eyes open.

“There was another human inside. Not Hugo. Male. Mid thirties. Uses a bit too much aftershave.”

“No one we recognize?” I asked.

The digger shakes his head. Answers all I needed.

“Alright thanks, go back to digging, buddy.” He happily tunnels downwards out of sight, leaving me to ruminate as I return to the kitchen.

This doesn’t bode well. Someone did in fact enter Clarissa’s home, without alerting the dog overnight. I jumped back onto the table to take another look at today’s paper. First page confirmed my uneasiness.

PHANTOM THIEF STRIKES AGAIN

I took a brief glance at the article. Seems there’s been a string of robberies terrorizing Camden that’s got law enforcement baffled. No break-ins. No alarms. Homes left unmolested except for several expensive items pinched in the dead of night. Thirteen houses hit. Clarissa makes fourteen. They haven’t touched 101 yet but hard to be at ease with the smoking gun hitting next door and all.

What’s that? You don’t think the burglar would hit this house only filled with kibble and chew toys? I would normally agree with that logic. What would dogs even have that’s expensive, right? I mean it’s not like we own a flat screen, or a new sewing machine, or even a personalized drone!

…

Shoot, I forgot about Dylan’s telescope, that’s probably valuable. 

…

And DJ’s keyboard. And his laptop.

…

Hmmm.

This smells like a bit of a pickle. Better tell the parents when they get home.

I hear a *Bzzzt* in the far distance.

Hehey! Impeccable timing. I recollect all the other magazines from the table as I head for the door. Never know when the pups will want their newsletters, right? As I make my way to the front, Delilah comes in.

The nurse smiled as I approached. “Oh! Hello there, sweetie. Looks like you got the post today…What’s the rush?” Seems she notices my anxious state.

“Hey mom.” I answered, getting more adjusted to my adoptive dalmatian mother. “I wanted to-”

“My magazine! Thank you so much, Dipper.” She snatches the issue of Punk Stars Revolution from the stack and gives me a pat on the head.

Huh. Did not take her for a punk rocker.

Ok quick, before I get distracted again! “Mom, we need to lock the house down tonight.”

“What? Why?”

“Human thief on the loose,” I showed her the newspaper, “they hit Clarissa’s last night.”

“...What would a human want with our home? You don’t think...?!”

“Nononono, not an animal trafficker! Pretty sure this guy just takes expensive items.” Delilah breathes easier. “That being said, we have too many valuables to afford to be careless. They’re so good, our neighbor thought we took her stuff.”

“Hmmm…alright then, Doug and I will keep the house under lock and key at bedtime. I’ll let the pups know to keep their belongings indoors for now when the shutters are down after dark.”

Now it’s my turn to sigh in relief.

“Don’t worry your little spots off now,” She puts a paw on top of my head, “we’ll make sure everyone’s safe.”

I sure hope so. Cruella took days to work down the dalmatians in their home and she was trying to weed them out. The thief would just want our goods. Maybe whoever it is will get discouraged when they see the steel screens and the scanner locked door and leave us alone.

=+=

I was wrong.

“My telescope’s gone!”

“Lisa’s missing!”

“Has anyone seen my keyboard?! I can’t find my keyboard!!” 

The Phantom thief struck again. This time oh so much closer to home. Man did he fleece us blind. I didn’t even hear the guy, how did they even get into the house?

Several of the pups were panicking about their absent possessions. D.J. took it the worst, I’ve never seen that dog lose his cool like this before.

“Guys, calm down! Mom already called Pearl, she’ll get to the bottom of this soon.” First thing Delilah did in the morning when we realized we were robbed. Unfortunately, the parents had to leave despite the burglary, duty calling and all. “You don’t have to be so dramatic, I mean come on, it’s just stuff.” Dolly tried to quell the hysterics. With lackluster results.

“Easy for you to say!” Dylan shot back. “You still have your skateboard! How am I going to see Canis Major now?!”

“Lisa is my friend! How could you say that about her, Dolly?!” Da Vinci asserted with an astounding amount of vigor for such a usually demure pup.

D.J. merely ignored Dolly to start hyperventilating. “Without my keyboard, I can’t make music! If I can’t make music, I can’t express myself! And if I can’t express myself…who am I?!?” He curls up into a ball, rocking frantically back and forth. Poor kid.

Dolly remains still. “...Yeesh.”

“Don’t be too hard on them, how would you feel if your skateboard was taken?” I asked.

Her ears wilt. “Not good.”

Dawkins joins our little pupper group. “I might have offered a solution, but all of the house’s mobile devices were taken in the break in, so my options are limited.”

“Well this sucks.” Dolly sighs. “Diesel get any leads?”

The other pup only shakes his head. “Whoever this was carried out the robbery with an alarming amount of precision.” He holds out a harsh smelling handkerchief in a pair of tongs. Seems that locking up the house only made the thief extra careful. “They used some kind of sleeping solution so we would all stay unconscious while they did their business. Diesel took a hard whiff and well...”

“zzzzzzzzz…digging…zzzzzzzzz.” The digger snored.

“He’s out like a light.”

Dolly stamps a paw. “Darn it! What are we supposed to do now?!”

“...Until Pearl catches the perpetrator, I’m afraid we’re out of alternatives.”

The two look downtrodden at their mutual inability to help our frantic family members with their plight.

“...um.” 

This pup spoke up, calling their attention.

“What is it, Dipper?” Dawkins exasperatedly asked.

“...If…you had a mobile device…what would be our options?”

His eyes shot wide. “Wait, you still have your phone?!”

“...Yes.” 

“And you just happen to have the only phone NOT stolen only to let us know NOW ?!” Dolly called out.

“...You never asked.”

I…just happen to have gone with the paranoia method of keeping my stuff in a box and temporarily buried it in the basement. You know. As a safety precaution. When I realized the bandit had been here, I rushed down to find to my relief that my goods were still in the house. Much to the apathetic displeasure of the other pups now victims.

“You know what, forget it. Sounds like you got this. I’m gonna go…calm Dylan down.” Said pup had left the scene but could still be heard complaining over the rest of the family to which Dolly walks off to. “Just get our stuff back quickly.”

I nodded back. From my vest pocket, I pulled out the ol’ expensive brick and offered the device to Dawkins.

“Alright, I think I can work with this. Da Vinci?” He calls out to the painter. 

“What is it, Dawkins?” she asked before gasping. “Did you find a clue?!”

“I might. Do you still have your node?”

“Sure, always have it on me” Da Vinci pulls out the small dongle from underneath her handkerchief.

Dawkins fiddles with the gadget, he presses a hidden button to reveal a USB attachment. “Inno-Shiba Sky Assistant drone modules normally only allow position tracking by the drone to the user’s location. But if I can connect this to a device with GPS tracking, I think I can triangulate back to the drone’s coordinates instead!” The tech savvy pup puts a reassuring paw on his artisan sister’s shoulder. “We’ll find Lisa, I promise.”

They share a hopeful moment in support, which is immediately pulverized by a frantic D.J. seizing Dawkins’s collar to get uncomfortably close. “You can find my keyboard, right?! I really need my keyboard!! Please tell me you can!!!!”

The pup held hostage recovers slowly. “...Indeed. By my calculations, the location of the drone will also lead us to the other ill gotten items.”

“...Including keyboard?”

“Including keyboard.”

Slowly, D.J. released Dawkins from his grasp…but stayed right in his face.

“D.J.? A little space please?” He asked the pup currently invading his personal bubble.

“Not until keyboard.” The frantic canine retorted.

Dawkins can only sigh as he fiddles with my phone. With a puppy scrunched up in his cheek. Going on an educated guess he’s used to family getting all up in his grill.

Anyways.

The phone buzzes as Dawkins’s face lights up, looks like we got results already! 

“Ah perfect, we have a signal!” He zooms in the onscreen map. “Looks like Lisa’s…wait that can’t be right.”

“What is it? Where is she?!” Now it’s Da Vinci’s turn to give Dawkins beef.

The wobbling pup continues through his mistreatment. “From THESE coordinates, IT appears SHE’S several METERS outside THE front! PLEASE stop SHAKING me!”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Wait,” I interrupted their antics, “from what you just said, it sounds like all our stuff is just right outside our door.”

“Well that’s what the GPS coordinates say.” He waves the device back. “Take a gander if you don’t believe me.”

I take back my phone to check the screen. Sure enough, there was a blinking red dot right on our location. Zooming in further showed it was actually right across the street.

Walking up to the front door, completely ignoring the various puppy footsteps behind me, I took a peek through the mail slot to see if there was anything amiss. And I did.

There was a white unmarked electrical van parked across the street.

Shizcaducets. If it’s anything like back home, it’s suspicious as hell. Didn’t see the vehicle when Pearl was here so it just recently came back, or most likely avoiding the authorities.

Hmmm…maybe…

I turn back to stare right into the face of the manic musician, proceeding to have a minor heart attack.

“Keyboard?” His neck cricks to the side.

Jezus crap! What is with puppies and mental breakdowns!

I take a second to recover, putting a paw on his side. “We’ll get it back, I promise.” I turn to Dawkins, handing my phone once again. “Hold onto this and stay here at the door.” I take a moment to think about what I’m about to do. “And get ready for when I get back.”

Dawkins once again takes my phone. “You think it will be dangerous?” I took several bobby pins and a screwdriver from the nearby cabinet.

“Oh most definitely! Honestly I’d be shocked if it wasn’t.” He does not give me a reassured look. Knowing me, my face was probably like that too. 

“Shouldn’t we inform Pearl?” He asks.

“We alert the police, we alert the thief. This guy’s been pinching houses in the neighborhood left and right. Whoever this is, probably has some way to avoid law enforcement for so long.” I take a deep breath, looking into the reflection of the dog hook. As if it would have given me guidance. “Maybe I can…figure something out. Wish me luck.” I say before heading through the door. I think Dawkins protested but I couldn’t hear what he said.

Outside once again, I take another glance over the van. Still unmarked, still parked. Could see through the window to the other side so the driver seat was empty. If, and a very big if, I pull this off…

Wait, what am I pulling off?

There were several dozen pounds of stolen goods possibly in that vehicle. Sure the tracker points to that van but so what? Even if I find the stuff, how would one pup get all that back into the house without alerting the vehicle owner who’s probably still nearby.

And what if I get caught.

I was able to run away from most of the things in my life through sheer luck. Dylan, the other pups, the swan. This is going to be a grown ass human being. Not just some dopey bystander nose deep in their phone, this will be a professional. This person finds a dog snooping, they’re not going to let it go. Heck, what’s stopping them from taking me to the countryside and bashing my brains off the side of the road. That’s not a pretty thought. I can’t let the Dalmatian family go through that emotional trauma of losing one of their own.

Especially if they lost three.

“What are you two doing out here?!” I whispered to stubborn saps who followed me outside.

“If you’re going to get Lisa back, then I’m coming too!” Da Vinci responded.

“No one takes my keyboard and gets away with it!” D.J. responded with more exception.

I immediately tried to hush them up. “Alright alright, but keep it down! We don’t want to let them know we’re on to them and I want to keep it that way.”

The painter replies in a softer tone. “...You’re not going to try to stop us?”

“Would there be a point?” I shot back. “Ah who am I kidding, I might have gotten ahead of myself here. I don’t think I could get the stuff back alone even if I tried. Actually relieved that I got back up now.”

“Hey, that's what family’s for, dude!” Glad to see D.J. recovered. “Also I really need my keyboard, so if we could just...” Somewhat.

“Ok! Follow me and keep quiet, I don’t see the owner but they could still be around.” I tuck my tag on the inside of my collar to prevent it from jingling. D.J. does the same while Da Vinci tightens her bandanna. “Let’s go.”

The three of us make our way to the white van, avoiding the miniscule traffic and stopping behind the vehicle. Taking a glimpse of the back door, looks like we’re in luck.

“Alright, the make and model is old enough, I just need to get up to the keyhole and I should be able to pop it open.” I climb onto the bumper. “Can you two give me a lift?”

“On it!” The pups saluted.

The two climb up next to me and set up a puppy tower, D.J. standing on Da Vinci’s shoulders. As gingerly as I could with a metal apparatus strapped to my paw, I clambered over their backs. Accidentally stepped on D.J.’s face on the way up. Oops.

“Was that revenge for that time I stepped on your face back at the chew toy closet?” He quipped. Huh, I totally forgot all about that.

“Maybe.” Not like he needed to know. “Now hush, I’m working here.”

Was I worried about unlocking the door? No, I could break this with my eyes closed. What I am anxious about is unlocking this quietly . Let’s hope the thief’s out right now. Three clitters and one more-audibly-than-I-wanted clack later, the back door swings wide. With me still hanging on the handle. 

Antics were short lived cause I let go, landing roughly on the concrete curb. Ouch. Seeing as the other two were NOT scattered off the bumper, they must have avoided flying off like I had. How fortuitous.

“Everything there?” I called out as quietly as possible. “Guys?” When I don’t hear an answer, I head around the ajar door to find them staring into the wagon’s back seats. “What’s the hold…up…”

All the way from the floor to the ceiling, was various semi expensive electronics and gear. No doubt the stolen goods all stacked into one giant Jenga block of stuff. Including…

“Lisa!” Da Vinci exclaimed.

“My keyboard!” D.J. followed suit.

“Guys wait!” I cried out too little too late as they pulled out their respective properties out of the pile. The whole van starts shaking as the distinct drone and piano shaped vacant spaces cause instability in the precariously stacked stockpile. Crap! It’s coming down! I need to-!

The pile just collapses inside the van with a flump.

You know what else went flump just now? My face. Hitting a van bumper. Yeah, when I saw the stuff shake, this dog had attempted a dive to shove everyone out of the way so we all wouldn’t get crushed. Unfortunately the leap was uphill so my jump was undershot by one pup’s length.

“Yyyou okay there, Dipper?” Da Vinci asked as D.J. was too preoccupied reuniting with his precious instrument.

“Just peachy.” I muffled through a face full of car plastic. “Why’d you guys-mmph-yank it out like that? We could have been crushed!”

This time D.J. answered back “Pl~ease, Da Vinci has tons of paint stored away and I take care of several dozen musical instruments. I’d think we’d know what’s loadbearing.”

“Mmph-pah!” God, when did cars get so sticky? “Don’t you-*huff*-sass me.“ Peeling myself off to get a better grasp of our current situation, it seems that we were…actually fine. The car alarm miraculously didn’t go off so we’re basically in the clear. I take a peek on both ends of the street…nope, no human coming this way. If there’s no complications, I think we can just get the rest of our stuff and get out!

“Snrk-what?!” Someone exclaimed from a nap.

Oh look, a complication.

So it turns out there was someone in the codriver’s seat, the slumped stolen goods that dropped opened up a barely noticeable gap to the front of the van. The reason why I didn’t see them outside was that they had their current chair completely reclined and lowered, probably sleeping during the daytime from their “nightly” activities now that I think of it. And I didn’t hear them because he’s a quiet sleeper, go figure.

But that wasn’t important anymore.

“Guys…we have to go. Now .” I whispered slowly. Maybe we can slip away without him noticing.

“But we still need to get Dylan’s telescope.” Da Vinci countered, not realizing that we weren’t alone.

The sleeping man, who I’m going to refer to as thief for now on, lazily looked around for what disturbed his slumber before our eyes met. His tired gaze goes over to Da Vinci, then to what she was holding, before his pupils dilated.

Shit.

“And now we have no options. MOVE!” I yelled to the two as the thief scrambled to yank his seat belt off. We bolted from the van to race across the street. The moment we touch the sidewalk, I hear a car door slam shut. Now we’re running out of time! Fun day is being had under a critical situation! Wonderful.

Gotta act now. Quick, while the others are climbing the stairs. What can slow down a two hundred pound man! Uh. Uh. Oh! Icicle to the face!

I fire at the melting stakes of frozen water accumulating under a window sill, hitting a rather hefty piece. With a hard tug the icicle breaks, soaring at the thief who had just rounded the van’s front. Unfortunately, he ducked at the last minute, the slab missing by several literal hairs. No seriously, I think I took some off the top of his balding head. He takes exception of this fact to turn back to us, now angrier than before as the ice shatters behind him.

Well that didn’t work.

“Come on! He’s going to catch up!” Da Vinci shouted.

“Get inside! I’ll be right behind you!” I hollered back. Ok, new plan.

This time I shot at a spare tennis ball laying on our front porch and whipped hard. This time the thief was ready. He swiftly dodges as he makes his way across the street. He smirks at my poor precision.

Shame I wasn’t aiming for him.

The sports equipment hits the van square in the driver seat window, loud blaring bursts from the impact. So it did have car alarms! Didn’t seem to go off when we were fiddling with the thing, maybe it wasn’t wired to the back. 

“Shit!” The thief exclaimed. 

It certainly achieved what I wanted though. Dude ran back to the van, closing the back before quickly getting in to stop the alarms, and drove off in a hurry. I made sure the vehicle was out of sight before heading back inside as quickly as possible, bracing against the door to catch my beating heart rate. Several pups including Da Vinci and D.J. were startled at my sudden entrance, kinda like they were just about to go out again.

“Dipper! You’re okay!” Da Vinci cries out as she embraces me. 

“Dude, you had us worried!” It’s followed by D.J. hugging us both.

Then the rest of the family joins us as we’re buried by puppy flesh and fur against the door. The painfully warm welcome was short lived as I’m pulled out of the puppy pile and right into a stranglehold.

“What were you thinking! Doing something so dangerous, you could have been caught!” Dylan grilled.

“Hoobajooba what?” I answered intelligently.

Dolly, the pup currently choking me right now, tightened her grip. “Dawkins let us in on your little escapade . What is with you and jumping in head first!”

While I was nowhere near suffocating, I would know by now, my neck was in a compromising position, my forepaws grabbing at the skater’s leg to let go. “There was no time! I couldn’t risk our stuff getting away. And I know you’ve done much more dangerous schemes.” I shot back.

“Yeah. Together. As a family!” Dolly retorted, grabbing my face with both paws now. “You should have let us know about the van, we could have helped too.”

“Oh.” 

Dylan huffs in relief. “Well, at least you’ve made it back safely this time.” He pauses. “You…didn’t happen to have gotten my telescope by any chance?”

“...Sorry. The thief drove off before we could get it back.”

He slumps down at the sour news. “Aww.”

“Well at least Da Vinci and D.J. got their stuff back.” Dolly reassured us of our progress in collecting our stolen stuff.

Too bad I have to dash that hope. “Yyyyyeah about that...”

“Oh dog what now!” Dylan yanked his ears in distress.

“What did you do, Dipper!” And Dolly’s stranglehold is back.

I crane my ears for a moment, the family didn’t disperse and seem to be listening in. Some were whimpering with concern. Not good. 

“Nothing! It’s probably nothing.” I pry myself out from the skater’s iron grip. “Everything’s fine guys! Don’t worry about the rest of the stuff, we’ll figure something out.”

There was a massive collective sigh of relief as the pups disperse. I spotted two pups who were about to leave, two pups who were vital if I was going to pull this off. I stopped Da Vinci and Dawkins, motioning them to follow. Turning back to the eldest, I head to the stairs. “Could you guys meet me in the attic?”

“Is everything alright?” Da Vinci asked.

Hmmm. From my peripherals, I can see some other pups linger slightly. My face betrays nothing, although my sweat glands would give everything away. Good thing fur covers that. I smile.

“Everything is fine!”

=+=

“So everything is not fine.” I say sternly.

“Wait, I thought you said that everything was okay downstairs.” Dolly inquires about my contradiction.

“And I was partially lying so everyone wouldn’t panic.” I exhaled. “I’m pretty sure the thief will come back.”

The four other pups blink for a second.

Dawkins spoke first. “I’m…sorry but I thought I heard you say the criminal would be returning.”

“Yeoup.”

“W-Why?”

“Cause they were just jipped out of a four digit payout.” I did a mental calculation for the fiscal value of the contents of the guy’s van. Lisa was easily the most expensive item taken from the pile, he’s not going to be happy about two thirds worth of his spoils being stolen back by a bunch of puppies. Not to mention he’s been undisputed all over Camden, even got headlines. Dude’s not going to let some house pet break that streak, almost get himself caught, and get away with it. “Their aim would most likely be our rescued drone.”

Da Vinci was understandably alarmed. “But we just got Lisa back!” She protectively hugged the drone at her side.

“All the more reason the burglar would redouble his efforts.” I throw down the newspaper with the relevant headline. “Guy’s a big time crook, why would he just let something so valuable go?”

“Oh my dog. Oh my dog. Oh my dog!” Dylan cries out in distress. “What are we going to do!”

Dolly grabs her brother by the face. “Dude! Calm down! We’ve dealt with intruders before, I think we can deal with one human.”

Despite his sister’s efforts, Dylan does NOT calm down. “But this isn’t just any intruder, they’ve been through our home’s defenses already! How are we supposed to keep them out this time!”

“Uh-” She responded, stumped.

“I have a plan. To get our things back.”

All pups turn to their adoptive brother.

“But you guys might not like it.”

“Got any bright ideas, slobber breath?” She asked Dylan.

He shakes his head. 

Dolly drops her brother to shrug. “Well we’ve got nothing, lay it on us!”

“If it means I can get my telescope back, I’m in!” Dylan says adamantly as he picks himself up.

Wow, you guys are far too trusting with me on this…oh well, regrets are meant to be made, right? I know I am already and I haven’t even done it yet. 

Here goes…

“We…are going to have to catch the thief-”

Dolly looks ecstatic. Dylan does not.

“-by letting them inside the house.”

And now they both look disapproving.

“Are you kidding me?!? Why would we want the burglar back inside ?” Dolly exclaimed.

“Cause that’s the best way to keep him here . He runs and we don’t get our stuff back!” I pointed out.

“Wait! We can call mom and dad! They’ll know what to do!” Dawkins goes for a window but falls back as something grabs his tail. That something was me.

“Weeee can’t get them involved.”

His face goes agape. “Why not!”

“If the thief sees two full grown dogs guarding the house, he’ll cut his losses. Last time, we were all sleeping and he prepared to keep us like that.” I take a deep breath. This needs preparation, I mean more than just locking down the house. Luckily, I know how he might have done it. All I need is a plan. Starting with… “Dylan, I’ve got a really important job for you so I’m going to have to ask, do you want the more difficult way? Or the we-tell-the-parents-about-the-other-basement way?”

We…didn’t really tell Delilah or Doug about the little escapade down below, there wasn’t any real need to. With the Dream Room on recharge, no one could really go down there and use the facilities again. Sure the elevator could take you down, down to a really dark empty room with ominous blinking lights. Oh yeah! Everyone’s just RUNNING to get back to that. So we kept quiet, mostly because of the family’s residential worrywort. Dylan decided no one was harmed so no fowl. Totally not because we might lose access to awesome doggy paradise. He tells us we were going to tell dog mom about it, just…probably thought it would be during a less turbulent time, without the threat of a home intruder.

“...and what’s the more difficult way?” Dylan asks. Ho boy.

I sigh. “We DON’T tell them, prep under their noses, give them and the rest of the family earmuffs so they hopefully don’t hear the commotion, and pray to whatever dogs worship that everyone stays asleep through this whole ordeal. They’d never let their pups deal with an intruder by themselves but If we do, the thief will think twice before moving on.” I put a paw on his shoulder. “We do this wrong and I’m not sure we can get your telescope back.”

His face looks back anxiously.

“Mom would have found out about it eventually. If we’re honest, she might let us have this.”

Then again, he was being emotionally manipulated.

He finally shakes himself out of his stupor. “Alright alright! So what’s the plan, Dipper. What are we going to do in the ‘other’ basement?”

“We, and when I mean we I mean you, are going to set up a…slumber party! You’re going to gather all the other pups who’re not going to be part of this little operation and keep them down in the second basement overnight. Safe, secure, and away from danger. How does that sound?”

Dylan’s face softens.

I put a leg over his shoulder, sweeping my other in a dramatic fashion. “You could set up a star show! Imagine all that dark empty space lighting up with constellation charts as far as the eye can see!” 

Think I’m laying it on thick here?

“Oh my dog, I gotta prepare!” And there he goes. Looks like laying it thick worked.

And then there were four.

Dolly walks up beside me. “Admit it. You just wanted Dylan out of the way for the night.”

“He’s not going to like what we’re going to do to the house.” I clap my paws. “Anyways! Dolly I’m going to need you to round up some helpers, remember when you guys were breaking Diesel out from the pound?”

“How do you keep being aware of things you weren’t there for?”

“Not important. You’re also going to need to get enough soot on everyone to get the black camo necessary for the job. Call them up to the attic, I get into detail once all pups involved are accounted for.” I motion her to head on down.

“Alright…” Dolly heads down the steps. “So strange…” Her words trail off below.

I turn to Da Vinci. “I’m sorry that I have to ask this but…we’re going to need Lisa as bait for this job.”

She pulls the drone behind her back. “NO! I already lost her once, I’m not risking losing her again!”

“I don’t plan on it.” I continued. “She’s got a light up feature built in right, for night time use?”

The painter nods.

“Remember when…you were trying to stop me before?” Another, more stern nod. “Someone will fly Lisa around the thief, just out of his reach but enough to tantalize him to stay. Like a carrot on the stick, we’re going to lead him around, exhaust him, and catch him, hook, line, and sinker! I wanted your permission to do that tonight, if that’s ok with you. She is yours after all.”

Da Vinci hesitates. For about ten seconds.

“Alright, Lisa can help. Except I’m going to be the one to fly her, I’ve got the most experience after all.” She says resolutely.

“...Y-you sure? It will be dangerous.”

“Do you know any other pup who can fly her?” She dared.

“...I just assumed I’d have to learn in less than twenty four hours but I guess this works too. ”And now the final pup. “Dawkins? We’re going to need to modify some of the house’s gadgets. Including some of the prototypes.”

He gasps. “You don’t mean-?!?”

“Yes. It’s time to break out…” 

I pause for dramatic effect

“The Flea Zapper!”

…

“Flea…Zapper?” Da Vinci asked.

=-=

-Several days earlier before the theft-

Dylan walks down the basement steps, curious about the loud noises and the absence of two pups. One who was vital to a serious problem the older sibling was currently having.

“Dawkins! You down here?! My telescope’s not turning properly, could you fix it?!”

Ok, vital to Dylan.

“Dawkins?! Da-” He stops once he gets to the bottom steps and notices something.

The basement was not as empty as it was before.

All around littered on the once dirt floor was various pieces of technology, mish mashed gadgets of both electronical and mechanical. Mostly a combination of both. Some bits were recognizable, bits of a radio or a head of a flashlight. Others looked like they used to be part of an alien ship. Which sounds amazing! Should ask the pup when he finds him.

Doesn’t take long as loud sparks lead the older dog to a clearing of protective fire resistant tarps. The tinkering pup in question in the middle with a welding mask, soldering together some apparatus to another with shiny tools. Where did he get the new soldering kit?

The answer lies next to him as another pup with protective gear was sitting close by, several tools at paws length and ready to be handed to the expert.

“Dawkins? Dipper? What are you two doing down here?” Dylan yelled, his voice just a decibel higher than the sounds of heated metal.

The pups in question stop mid-work to lift their masks. “Dylan! So glad to see you. We were going to come get you when we finished up this project here.” Dawkins proclaims.

“...what for?”

“Well to supervise the testing phase of our latest creations, of course! Our brother here had some ideas he wanted to try out that might help around the household. Dipper?” He turns to his assistant.

“Oh, right, yes!” Dipper hops over to what appears to be a curling iron connected to…a large hamster wheel. “Say, do you want to explain it or should I?”

“Go ahead! It was your idea after all.” Dawkins confirmed happily.

“Alri~ght, but you’re gonna have to work the treadmill.” 

Dawkins’s once jolly expression dropped, resigned to power the device as he entered the contraption.

The other pup continued on with his explanation of said contraption. “So Dylan, do you happen to remember that flea incident? The one where you guys ran out of flea powder and it spread to the entire family?” 

Older pup raises a paw. 

“Let me finish. Now where was I?...Ah yes! I remembered from this show that electricity , at a certain frequency or rather voltage, I’m not sure which, could effectively eliminate pests on the fur without harming the host. Dawkins?”

The tinkerer stands up at the mention of his name before starting to run. The machine whirs to life, slowly building power within its internal battery.

Dipper uncaps a petri dish as he keeps going with his explanation. “Dawkins and I, mostly Dawkins, had been working on this prototype using an old hair straightener and copper piping. With a plastic guard, we should be able to comb down the fur without any harmful contact with the skin. We’ve tested it on isolated cultures of flea colonies.” 

Dylan gasps in alarm.

“Oh no no! Don’t worry! The tests were successful, it works one hundred percent. No fleas survived.”

The proclamation of safety doesn’t calm the dog down.

“We just needed you to see the live demonstration.” This proclamation definitely didn’t calm Dylan down. “Ummmm…you might want to step back.”

“...Why?”

“Cauuuuuuse I might have just released the last flea culture on my fur just now and I really, really want them off right now. Ho boy, does that itch!” And now Dylan is panicking, and rightfully so. I mean who dumps a bunch of parasites on themselves. On purpose!

He turns to his younger brother, hopefully for a voice of reason. “Dawkins?!?!”

The running pup instead continues running on the wheel like his family member wasn’t covered in fleas, admittedly more nervously than before. “Dylan, trust him *huff*. I’ve supervised the previous tests. The contraption works, *pant pant* and I’ve calibrated the voltage so the charge is non lethal to canines.” He looks to his possibly slightly insane, adoptive brother. “Go ahead, Dipper.”

“Thank you, Dawkins.” Dipper raises the apparatus. “Alright! Proceeding with the live test number one in three…two…” He puts the bar against his fur.

And immediately regrets it.

Dipper jerks and jolts in place. “Hochimama! Mphk-YIPE! Brrrrr, man that st-Gah!” He goes, the rest of his words become incomprehensible gibberish as the contraption continues to visibly shock him, bolts of electricity jumping from rod to fur in frightening abundance.

Dylan, on the other paw, was absolutely horrified, paralyzed between wanting to stop the obviously deranged pup from catching fire and not being able to get anywhere close in the case he’d be shocked as well.

This continues for several minutes, the odd puppy torturing himself and his siblings watching in fright as they either couldn’t or wouldn’t do anything to stop the agonizing display. Dipper finally stops after convulsively running the bar down his back, limbs, and the top of his head. His hair stood on end, making him look like a spotted cotton swab.

“See?! And the itching stopped!” The flayed pup opened his paw wide, showing no pests jittering on his fur. His coat was clean. Dylan looked down at his paws, noticing black specks scattered about. On closer inspection, those black specks were actually dead fleas. The machine worked!

Didn’t stop Dylan from giving a piece of his mind.

“What were you thinking?!?”

The two pups hold up, one with exhaustion from an abnormal amount of exercise.

“Electricity is dangerous! You could have been hurt in so many ways! What would mom think if she got home to find out we had to put out a burning puppy ?!?”

“But I didn’t get hurt, we made sure and everything. See, look!” Dipper holds out his arm so Dylan can see.

Only to give the older pup a static shock.

“Gah! That’s it! No more…mad science experiments!”

“But they’re not-”

“No buts! You two are NOT to test any of these dangerous projects unless you get an older dog’s approval! And that’s final! I need help with the chores AND my telescope still needs to be fixed. So once you’re done cleaning up down here, I need you two topside, chop chop!” Dylan heads back up the basement stairs, leaving the two to their own clutter.

They both sat there, conflicted before Dipper spoke.

“...probably shouldn’t tell him we had finished the other projects and that this was the one we wanted a second opinion on.”

“Most likely.”

“...”

“We gonna keep it a secret?”

“Indubitably.”

“...”

“Ok then. Let’s go fix that telescope.”

=+=

“Well I can’t always think up good names on the spot, you know. Also, not important!” I say with a strained smile.

Dawkins puts a paw on his chin. “That would explain why you wanted Dylan away.”

“You know how obstructive he can get, we need proper human stopping tactics. Like stop-a-human-in their-tracks tactics. I’m not going to lie, this could get dangerous and we’re gonna need the options.”

“Wait, hold on. Dangerous?“ Da Vinci interrupts with concern in her voice.

I turn to the artist. “...don’t worry about it! We’ve tested everything before, so it’s fine.” Now back to the family engineer.

“We did test them, yes. But that was for their singular designs. If you intend to use them for an alternative purpose, we’ll have to revise the schematics.”

“Think we have enough though?”

“If this operation is as large as you expect it to be, Dipper…we might actually be short on the supplies required.”

Shit. 

“You think we can order the extra stuff through express shipping?”

He shakes his head. “Even if they arrive today, that thief’s still out there. They might just take it right off our front porch. In fact, I don’t think we can get any outside help without getting their attention! We can’t risk it.” 

Double shit.

Son of a bitch! Wait a minute, I’m a dog right now. That’s basically describing me! Dang it! That swear is never going to sit right anymore. How did I just notice that now? Ok! Enough of that! Think! Where the hell can we get supplies on short notice, locally. WITHOUT leaving the house.

Wait. I know a place.

“You two go down and see where the prototypes need adjusting. I’ll meet you back here in an hour or so.” I start heading to the attic entrance.

Dawkins calls out after me. “Where are you going?”

Undeterred, I continue downstairs.

“Off to make an acquisition.”

Time for Danger Dipper to come out of early retirement.

=+=

It was the dead of night on this chilly moon lit hour when all should be sleeping. Outdoors, the idle sound of city life hummed quietly in the distance. No creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

At least we weren’t trying to.

“Uggggh! What’s taking him so long?!” Dolly complained.

“Well it’s not like the guy’s on a tight schedule, so pipe down already!” I shot back.

“But we’ve been waiting for hours !” I’ve been waiting, you’ve been pacing a hole into the floor.

“Usually what happens on stakeouts.”

“You sure he’s even coming, Dipper?! Or was this all just one big guess?” She fumed.

I sighed. “Well I didn’t want us to be caught with our pants down a second time, now would I?”

“What is with you and pants!!!”

Le’ groan.

It has been about five hours or so since we started. While most of the team have been keeping watch in shifts, everyone’s had at least three rounds of bathroom breaks. The sounds of soft puppy snores reverberate within the walls of the house. I too was in the walls, within the foyer by the entrance. Along with Dolly. Who was currently giving mine poor ears seven hells of an impatient hissy fit from the great big load of nothing that was happening right now. Surprised she lasted this long, honestly.

This was one of the reasons I didn’t let her in on the neighbor pranking job.

“It’s an expression, Dolly. You could always go and do something down in the slumber party if you’re so bored.”

Dolly just scoffs it off. “Nah, everyone’s already asleep, even Dylan. And that was like an hour ago.”

We both stay in relative silence. Relative to Dolly’s tapping paw at least. That girl could not hold patience like her non-existent medical license was being revoked.

I speak up to pass the time.

“...Mom and Dad?”

“Out like a light.” She says, irritation still in her voice but held her tongue.

“...How did they take it?”

=-=

-About 5 hours ago-

“You know, I don’t remember the dumbwaiter ever being this big before. Dylan what did you say-” Delilah never finishes as she and Doug exit the now transformed elevator.

“Surprise!”

The two dalmatian parents stood mouths gaping, less at the family gathering and more at the massive empty space lit up by a combination of blinking dotted lines, flashlights that barely pierce the darkness, and the soft luminescence of glow in the dark stars. Scattered around the pups were various blankets and pillows adorning the floor.

“That’s a lot of space!” Doug adds his dadly opinion.

The mom put a paw to her lips. “My goodness! Sweeties, wha-!?” She turns to the eldest pups for an explanation. “Dylan, Dolly, what is this place?! And why does our dumbwaiter go down here?”

“Well uuuuuuh, we just…um.” Dolly fumbles.

Dylan remembers his brother’s words from before.

If we’re honest, she might let us have this.

“We found this room!” He blurted. Dolly tries to smile, nervous sweat runs down her brow as she eyes her brother.

The parents were dumbfounded at the hasty response of their normally responsible pup. “Found? Son, how in blazes did you find all this?” Doug asked.

“We just…kind of did. Don’t know how to tell you this but one minute we were in the house, then we were all here. We all got back safely though, honest!” Dylan said. Please believe me.

The dalmatian parents just stared at their eldest children for an uncomfortable moment. 

Delilah breaks the ice with a curt cough. “Alright then, so what about all this? Why are there pillows and blankets scattered about?”

Dolly proceeds to speak up. “It’s a slumber party!”

Delilah looks at her daughter doubtfully. “A…slumber party? Down here? Why not have the slumber party back up in the house?” Her expression softens. “I…know it hasn’t been safe recently, but Pearl assures me that law enforcement is doing all they can to crack down on the burglary case!”

“She’ll get your telescope in no time at all, Dylan. Don’t you worry!” Doug tries to support.

Dolly and Dylan share a nervous glance at one another, but not for the reason their parents think.

“I know we could have hosted the party upstairs, but,” Dylan leans in to whisper, “some of the pups have been nervous that the thief will strike again. They wanted to stay close, even if it’s just for tonight.”

“So we thought we could have the party here! Humans wouldn't even think to check the dumbwaiter so no one can get down here but us dalmatians!” Dolly backs up.

Dylan takes his mother’s paw. “Mom, we’ve all been down here before and came back, unharmed. Trust us, we’ll be safe.”

Delilah feels…conflicted.

On one paw, this mystery room was most certainly a place made by humans which…is never a good sign. Especially when they’ve somehow constructed such a huge space under their homes but even more alarmingly, right under their noses. Only the rich and powerful could pull this off. And the last powerfully rich human had a fifty year old vendetta against the family. Motherly instinct tells her to just keep the pups away until further notice.

On the other paw…

“Please, mum?” Dylan pleaded, backed up by several of his siblings' whimpers.

She sighs. Her son did say it was safe.

“Alright, but just for tonight!”

The family cheered in which they then proceeded to bury their parents in a massive group hug.

Doug recovered first, having been on the receiving end the most. “Haha! Alright, so what do we do for one of these ‘slumber parties’, honeys?”

Dallas took him by the paw along with the other Triple Ds. “Come on, dad, we’ll show you how it’s done! Puppy style!”

“MAKEOVER! MAKEOVER!” Deja Vu chanted.

Everyone shares a collective chuckle before joining the party wholeheartedly. Dolly stops momentarily before heading over to the elevator.

“Dolly, where are you going?” Delilah asked.

“Oh! Dipper said he needed help with this surprise he’s fixing with Dawkins back in the basement. Don’t worry, mom! We’ve made sure the house is locked down for the night.”

Her mom sighs. “Alright then, but try to not stay too late. Or you pups will miss out on all the fun!”

Dolly snickers back. “Okay mom!”

=+=

“Pretty well, actually.”

“Good to know.”

Several seconds later.

“You’re still bored aren’t you.”

Dolly flops on the ground. “Ugggghhhh! Why is this so dull!”

“You still remember the plan though?”

“Yeah yeah,” she brushes the notion away, “we keep the thief on the first floor, tire them out with traps, then lead them in the basement so we can knock them out. I already got all that!”

If my eyes roll anymore, they’re going to snap out of their sockets. Better find something else to distract ourselves. Pulling out a hand radio, I pressed to call the pup on the other end. “Hourly check, Dawkins. You ready?”

“- Ready as I have been for the previous five times, but yes, ready nonetheless. -” I don’t need your sass right now, dude.

“Alright! Going down the list. Kibble pump.”

“- Loaded -”

“Bowl flinger.”

“- *click* Primed -”

“Chew toy closet.”

“- Set to burst -”

“Good good…toasters?”

“- I really insist that this is a tad excessive -”

“Duly noted. Toasters.” I say more firmly.

“- Filled to the brim -”

“As they should. Basement stairs slicked?”

“ -Just applied a fresh coat five minutes ago- ”

I nod to myself, satisfied with the rounds. “That should be everything, stay vigilant Dawkins.” 

I put the radio down, concluding the equipment check.

“Where’d you even get all those toasters?” Dolly re-entered the conversation.

“Neighbor.”

She makes a face.

“ Clarissa? ” She says with as much disgust as she could muster.

I give her a deadpan expression.

“No.”

=-=

“Aright you mutts, what is it this time?!” Constantin grumbles angrily at the constant knocking of rocks against his fence. Once he gets to the port hole though, his expression dips.

“Hi.” It’s me! Danger Dipper.

“Oh, it’s you.”

“It is indeed.”

"What do you want?” He says dismissively. “Is your sister looking to intrude on my inner sanctum? Again?”

“Ha ha! No. It has come to my attention that you have several material parcels in your possession that I merely wish to ask that they be returned to their rightful owner. Please.”

The cat huffs. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

It was suspicious that some of my purchases weren’t coming in. Sure I was flush with money, but buying the same thing several times and getting nothing for my troubles got real old real fast. I had ideas, mind you, but without evidence, I could go nowhere. And what was I going to do, sue a cat?

My face tells him I’m not buying. “Alright, fine! But didn’t I tell your family that incident would be the last? Why would you want your stuff now?”

“Because we need it for an important operation tonight.”

“And, pray tell, what would you need these so-called ‘parcels’ for?”

“To take down the Phantom Thief.”

Constantin’s face changes. I remember what else was in that van. Was willing to bet as the reason I approached our not so friendly yet less hostile neighbor.

“Two days ago, I woke up to find someone had removed the sound system from my meditation chambers!” He rages.

And bingo was his name.

“Hit our house just last night. But with luck, we were able to find his vehicle and retrieve some of our stolen items, one being much more expensive than the rest. Expensive enough to come back for.”

“You plan on…capturing this burglar?” He was skeptical of the claim. Would not blame him.

“Counting on it, in fact. But we’re low on supplies. We can’t order anything because the thief’s out there, probably circling the premises like a hawk. That stockpile might be enough to ensure we nab him.”

He contemplated. “And what makes you so sure you’ll succeed? The papers spoke of the thief like they were the stuff of legend, how are a group of puppies going to hook such a human.”

“Do you happen to remember when our neighbor got arrested?” I say with a growing smile.

His eyes narrow. “I remember specifically you being strictly involved somehow…wait, you don’t mean-?!”

“Four pups. And that was because she gave Dolly stitches. She’s lucky they weren’t permanent.”

“...that was a relatively calmer month. Very well, but what’s in it for me? Feline honor tells that I shouldn’t just let you have your way.”

Ah hell. Didn’t think he’d want something in return. Should’ve taken that as a surefire fact that he would expect payment. Think fast!

“...you…get to keep the boxes?” I shrugged. Constantin gave me a look that mirrored my own from before. “Fine, name your price.”

Old cat smiles. “Well as it so happens my pond needs to be cleaned soon. Care to be the pup to fix it?”

Hmm, I can work this. “I’ll do you one better, but only after we catch the thief.” I extend my paw. 

“Deal?”

He takes a moment to think it over.

Cat paw extends to meet mine.

“Deal.”

=+=

“Okaaaaay, nice that we got our stuff back, but why?”

“Why what?”

“Why a toaster? We don’t really eat bread.”

“Well some of us just want some toast! Is that so hard to ask?!”

“Alright! Yeesh, testy much? Anyone ever told you you’re weird, dude?”

“Practically every other day-” I stop mid-sentence.

“Wha-” I also stopped Dolly, paw shoved to her lips. I pantomime silence to her as we try to listen.

Low rumbling of an oncoming vehicle.

A soft screech.

Someone has parked right in front of our house.

Immediately the radio was in my paw. “Dawkins, wake the pups. Homewrecker has reached the dog house. I repeat, homewrecker has reached the dog house.”

“Alright, finally! Time for some action!” At least one of us was excited.

My paw shoots out to stop her once again. “Hold it!”

Footsteps on concrete.

Something heavy drops.

A quiet hissing streams from the front door.

“Mask on now!” I whisper harshly into the radio, my own mask is immediately on my face after. A quick glance to Dolly to see she’s followed suit. 

Good. Time for phase one. 

“Hit the fans, Dawkins!” Seconds later, the distant hum echoes through the house, telling me that everything was running smoothly.

We knew the thief had used some kind of sedative on us that night, but we weren’t entirely sure what kind. My hunch was some kind of sleeping gas, spread within a home through some crevice. Residents would already be sleeping, the sedative was to make sure they stayed that way. Several desk fans in the air ducts would fix that.

A hard thonk rung through the upstairs, looks like my second assumption came true too. The thief had entered from the roof. Sure, lockdown had every entry way blocked off, but not all security is made equal apparently. The hatch up top was merely locked. Checked earlier and found signs of scraped metal that someone had pried the cover open. Judging by the obvious hook that landed on the roof, our home intruder was thinking about repeating their previous attempt.

Can’t have that now can we.

“Que the window.”

A latch clicks in the darkness as an entry from the living room lifts open by hidden strings. Immediately after, the minor glow of LEDs lit up several feet away from the portal. Come on, do it you shit! Take the bait!

A head pops in from the outside.

Time for phase two.

“I’m heading to my station.” I hand Dolly a spare radio. “Coordinate with Dawkins to keep the thief on the ground floor. Once he’s exhausted, tell Da Vinci to head into the basement.”

It was supposed to be a simple job.

Tony Adler was on a roll. Almost twenty houses successfully hit and the police were none the wiser. Even made the morning paper! “Phantom thief” they were calling him.

If mama could see him now!

Latest one caught on, upping their security the night he decided to strike. Didn’t help them much, though. No matter how much a building is protected, there still has to be some way inside that the residents had overlooked. No home was an impenetrable fortress after all.

Adler had found that this house’s entry point was on the roof. No problem. A roped hook makes simple access to the top. After gassing the house with sleeping gas, Tony cracked open this clamshell and got the goods. Whoever owned this house was most likely a fanatic dog lover, what with all the canine paraphernalia around. They were a very rich dog lover though. He never thought he’d see a home with a Shiba Inno drone in his lifetime, but here it is! And it’s decaled. Easily the most money he’s made off with so far.

Or so he thought.

The morning after he decided to sleep in for a quick nap before heading to the pawn shop with a van full of ill gotten gains. What he didn’t think would happen was someone breaking into his van while he was still in it! The Gaul! He had woken up to a loud thump as the mountain of loot had collapsed on itself, which was odd because he knew he’d stacked it perfectly. When investigating the cause, what does he find? 

Three puppies were making off with his most expensive item.

How dare they steal what he already stole! No honor among thieves!

Tony was about to fix this little slip up when one of the pups with a weird metal brick attached to its paw had the audacity to throw icicles at his head! Well he’ll teach him what for, nothing a swift kick couldn’t sort out. Before he could do so however, the pup had thrown a tennis ball straight at his van, setting off the car alarms. He had to move fast. Cops were already on high alert, they’d come for any disturbances. And this already started to disturb the neighbors. So the flustered thief had no choice but to high tail it out of there before law enforcement showed their pompous faces.

Didn’t mean this was over. Not by a long shot.

Coming back at midnight, the house wasn’t even locked down! Sucks to be this homeowner. This’ll be a sinch, like taking candy from a baby! Or rather, taking an expensive robot from a soon-to-be-dead puppy if he ever finds the mutt. Welp, better safe than sorry. He’d just finished using the gas and was preparing to head to the roof, when a window opened.

Odd.

Was that window open before? Tony didn’t remember. But that didn’t matter, inside the dark room something lit up with neon colors. 

The drone!

It was just…sitting there! Out in the open! With easy access no less! Someone could merely wake in and grab that shit and get away scott free!

If he didn’t know any better, this smells like a trap.

…

Naaaaaah! Home Alone was just a dumb movie. What were three pups going to do anyways, huh? Yap at him?

Tony happily obliged the free opportunity, slowly stepping into the darkened room. Quietly, he made his way to the grounded drone. With outstretched hands, Tony reaches for his prize…

Only for the drone to jump up and fly.

The fuck?

Wait, no time to think, payday is getting away!

Tony tries to grab for the drone, but every time he swings, the darn contraption moves just out of his reach. What the hell is this?! Why’s this so hard, it’s just a dumb robot! It’s like someone was flying the damn thing!

This was roughly about the same time something gross struck the back of his head with all the force of a fire hose. Followed by something disc like and plastic. Tony sputtered from the sudden assault on his person. Who’s throwing…he spits some of the substance out of his mouth. He looks down at his feet to see, with what little vision he had in the dark, a dog bowl. Dog food! Who the fuck is thowing dog food at him!

Don’t ask him how he knows what dog food tastes like. That was not a happy time for Tony.

So on it goes for a good fifteen minutes. Tony goes for the flying drone! He missed! He gets a face full of dog dinner for his troubles! Wipe face and repeat! Even worse, Addler could have sworn he could hear giggling from within the walls, like the universe wasn’t handing him his generous British ass.

Finally the drone hovers down into the kitchen, which Adler pursues. 

And when I mean pursue I mean get unceremoniously launched by the tidal wave of kibble behind him into said kitchen. Sitting up, a stream of dog food spews from his mouth.

“Sonofa-!” Tony doesn’t even get to finish his cursing.

*Ding*

Ding?

“GAA-!” Tony almost screams in pain, before immediately biting down on his in pain hand. That was too close. Can’t wake the neighbors, kind of a home invader right now. Looking down at the injury, something had cut him. But not just any cut, an already cauterized cut. Eyes turn to the floor to see the cause.

A red fork lay against the tile.

Hold on, that's not quite right. The fork was silverware. It’s metal and silver, so why was it red? Because it’s heated. Super hot metal when heated glows red hot. Tony looked back. Several more forks were strung behind him, burning kibble where they lay. Slowly, the thief raises his head to face the source.

Set across the tiles, was several toasters, fixed at an angle. One of them was smoking. In the others, stuffed loosely with more metal utensils than physically necessary, a kitchen timer connected to each. The cooking helpers tick down their sinister seconds.

And then they all went ding.

Tony leaped in panic and promptly ran like a bitch the moment his shoes found solid ground. A deadly rain of hot metal points threatening skin puncture and third degree burns followed right behind. The now thoroughly distressed thief dodged and weaved, barely escaping being turned into a heated pincushion. Unfortunately he wasn’t always so lucky, one fork found purchase, slipping down his pants.

Tony was very alarmed.

Honestly I have no reference of having burning metal fall down my pants and hopefully you’ve never had either, so let’s just imagine it’s a very alarming situation. What did Tony do in this alarming situation? Tony did a funny jig before removing the fire hazardous clothing entirely.

Hey, you’d do the same, don’t judge.

Now pant less, Tony spots the drone again, slowly making its way up the stairs.

“Oh no you don’t!” He says, determined to reclaim his prize as he storms up the flight.

Or at least he tried.

Every time he tries to take a step, his foot slips out from under him. The hell! It’s like the wood’s been polished! It took Tony several tries followed by several painful trips down just to get up to the top, and he had to do it on all fours. Like some dog. The irony.

Just as he made it, with panting breath and the drone right in his face, it floated to the ceiling.

And then a dam broke.

A wall of squeaking rubber collides with the unfortunate mook. Straight down to the floor below. When everything settled once again, the only sounds that could be heard throughout the house was the soft hum of a drone’s motor fan, and the pained whimpering of a full grown man.

It takes a full minute for Adler to realize he had just been buried under a mountain of chew toys. And the drone proceeds to circle above. Like some kind of buzzard, scavenging for humiliation. More giggles.

No.

That’s enough.

“ I’VE HAD ENOUGH! ” Tony thought.

With a strained hand, he’d grabbed a chew toy, a round pufferfish, and chucked it as hard as he could at the drone.

Surprisingly, the toy hits true.

The drone wobbled uncontrollably before crashing down the hall. Something had fallen from the machine. Tony didn’t care.

“You know, when you guys asked me to take part in this super cool thief busting job, I’d thought I’d have a cooler job.” Delgado complains, continuously running the treadwheel.

“Yeeeeeaaaaah, sorry man. It’s just a really…really dangerous job.”

“So was running from a frozen bird! I could’ve done more!” He grumbled.

Here we were. Two pups waiting on the final phase of the plan. One running, the other waiting. With flea zapper in paw. Sure the thing was designed to be non-lethal. But removing the safety cap and overcharging the rod could make an effective stun rod.

“Is the mask necessary? It’s cool, but it’s also kinda…spooky.”

“That's the point, dude.”

Something loud echoes from upstairs.

“What was that?!” Delgado exclaimed.

“Stay on the wheel.” I say sternly. “I’m going up.” 

“Dipper-!” He tries to warn. I only scurry up the stairs. So headlong that I forget to use the dog hook to get up.

If anything goes wrong with this operation, it’s on me.

The moment I get to the top, my heart drops.

Lisa was downed. I could barely see Da Vinci, but she’s down as well. She’s doing her best not to whimper so the thief doesn’t get alerted.

Said thief was almost on the drone.

Something snaps.

Oh my god. Is this happening? Is it over? He gradually gets up, making sure his wounds weren’t disturbed. Bit by bit, Tony crawls over to the fallen drone. He’s been accosted by all manner of crap, he’s going to be careful, damn it!

A shaky hand reaches for the drone. One slap. Jerk away.

Nothing.

Another. Less jerk this time.

Still nada.

Tony nervously chuckles. This turns into a maniacal cackle. It’s over. It’s finally over!. No more hot forks! No more slippery steps! No more dog food, dog bowls, or god damn doggy chew toys! If he ever sees another dog as long as he lives, he’s going to punt the shitter into next week. Tony reaches for the drone…

A wire shot out from his left. The drone is grabbed. It’s whisked away into the darkness.

NO!

Tony frantically dives for the drone. He misses and faceplants through the door he hadn’t seen into the far wall. Doesn’t stop him. But it does make him prone to blundering, cause he slips once again, falling down the steps before painfully landing in a puddle of mud. Oh hohoHO! When he gets his hands on whoever’s responsible, he’s gonna-

There was a low growl.

Tony gulps.

He looks up to see the source of the noise.

Two beady red eyes stared back. A metal visage of death housing them. A rod lights up, lightning crackling from its coiled copper surface. If Tony had understood dog over the defining sound of coursing electricity, he might have heard the little blip of a puppy exclaiming before the rod descended.

“You messed with the wrong house fucker.”

=+=

Red and blue emergency lights lit up the streets. From the front door, two ambulance runners were towing a thoroughly singed man wrapped in duct tape, groaning unconsciously as he’s delivered to the hospital wagon. Several animals watch on the sidelines, including several dirty pups and a horse.

“You have my thanks in apprehending the phantom thief, but also disapproval in your method. It’s far too dangerous for young pups to handle such a criminal yourselves. Next time, notify me as soon as possible.” The equestrian officer proclaimed

“Yes, CP Pearl.” I monotoned.

“Nevertheless, the perpetrator has been arrested and all the stolen goods have been returned to their rightful owners. I hope you and your folks have a good evening.” She trots off into the night as the other emergency vehicles drive away.

The pups walk back in without a word, locking the door behind them.

Everyone stays silent for a while. Then a pup hugged another.

“I’m sorry!!!” I cried.

“W-what?” Da Vinci asked in alarm.

“It’s my fault.” Tears run down my face, but I don’t care. “I should have done the flying myself! I should have done something! I should ha-” Da Vinci shoves her paw on my snout.

“You should stop being so hard on yourself.”

“You got hurt! Because of me! Again!” Angry tears break from my eyes. This was my plan, we could have made sure she couldn’t fall. It’s my carelessness that got her hurt.

That man. That thief.

He deserved more. 

For hurting my family.

He should have paid.

HE SHOULD HAVE-

Da Vinci slaps me. 

“Stop that!” She then grabs my head, forcing me to look her in the eye. “You. Can. Not. Predict everything that could possibly happen. You told me it would have been dangerous, we knew what we were getting ourselves into.”

“Yeah dude! We weren’t gonna let some punk just have the run of the place!” Delgado added.

“The human would have most likely made off with our valuables had you not taken such measures.”  Dawkins encourages.

“B-But!”

“No buts!” Da Vinci pulls me in, leaning our foreheads together. The warmth of her breath brushes my fur. “I’m fine, I was able to jump off before we crashed. Your plan worked. We got the rest of our stuff back! We’re all safe. That’s all that matters. No more beating yourself up about this, alright Dipper?”

“...ight.”

“What was that?”

“Alright, Da Vinci.”

“...That's better, oh and Dipper?” 

She pulls me into a quick squeeze. Some of the leftover soot brushes my nose, I have to force myself to not sneeze all over her shoulder. Da Vinci’s voice softly whispers to my ear.

“Thanks.”

The other pups join in on the group hug. I release a sigh I didn’t even know I was holding until now. It’s over. No more thief.

Dawkins was the first to remove himself from the group hug. “Although, if this ever happens again, and I hope to dog it doesn’t, try to tone it down a notch. We all could hear the screams from upstairs.”

Then it was Delgado. “You were lucky! I had front row seats for the whole deal. Never heard a human yell so loud.”

Woops. Miiiiiiiiiight have gone a bit overboard. “Yeeeeeaaaaah, sorry about that.” Hope I haven’t traumatized anyone with that.

“What’s done is done.” Dawkins shook his head. “Now…what do we do about all…this.”

We all gazed at the state of the foyer. Piles of chew toys and kibble covered the wooden floor. A grove of silverware poked out from the dog food where they had embedded themselves. It was a mess to say the least.

So a normal day in the home of 101 Dalmatian Street. Only it was nighttime.

Groaning, I go get a broom and a spare pooper scooper to start on this colossal job. “You guys can go rest at the slumber party.”

Dawkins turns to me confused. “Dipper?”

A sigh escapes my teeth as I start sweeping up some dog food. “It’s probably past your bedtime, you all should be sleeping. I’m used to staying up late, so I'll…clean up here.” Everyone’s eyes had darkening spots, more like bags than fur. Even I can feel myself drained from the ordeal. But Delilah would freak if she saw this in the morning.

“But…there’s so much.” Delgado delegated.

“Eh! It’s only the first floor.” I say, knowing that it usually takes all day to clean up such a mess. Still, I keep sweeping up kibble, slowly making my way through the massive spill.

There was a squeak behind me. Turning to the noise, I found that Delgado had a rubber hotdog in his mouth. The sounds of suction follows as Dawkins comes in with the vacuum.

“Guys you don’t have to do this.”

“But we want to help.” Da Vinci comes off from my left, second broom with scooper in paws. “You can’t shake us that easily.” A tired smile spreads across her face.

“Alright alright.” I chuckle. Don’t have the stubbornness to fight against that resolve. I look back to the last pup at the door. Dolly had been oddly silent this whole time, which would be alarming by itself. Unfortunately, I don’t have the brain power to care right now, this shit needs cleaning up by morning. “Dolly, you ok there?”

“Huh, what?” Looks like she’s on fumes too.

“I know you hate this stuff, so I’m giving you an out. Go on and get some R & R.”

She…hesitates. “...Nah, I’ll help. Can’t have you thinking I’m ungrateful, can I? I’ll…go get the forks.” 

Huh, you know, I thought she’d jump at the chance to NOT work. Especially when we’re all dead tired.

I chuckle wearily. “Well make sure they’re cooled down before you touch’em.”

A smile breaks across my face.

=+=

“YOU GOT IT BACK!” Dylan exclaimed. The pup graciously clung to his reacquired telescope, now safe from the clutches of any phantom thief who had come previously.

“Yup! We sure did.” Dolly brushes her claw on her fur like the whole ordeal wasn’t hard at all. “No need to thank us.” Before we could react, Dylan brought the two of us into the biggest hug I’ve ever had from the dog. Dolly reciprocates by wrapping a paw over his back. I just suffocate.

He releases us a moment later, I gasp for well needed air. “Ok! As much as I like getting recognition for my efforts,” a scream echoes from downstairs followed by a crash, “I think Dawkins needs help again. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to get a concussion. See you guys below.”

The two pups watch their adopted brother make his leave. But once he leaves, the sister’s normal cocky attitude lessens.

“Hey, Dylan?” She asked.

Hearing the tone shift, her brother’s expression diminishes as well. “What's wrong?”

“Do you think…Dipper’s acting strangely?”

“Dolly, this is Dipper we’re talking about, he’s always strange.”

Her brow wrinkles in irritation. “I know, Bark for brains! But…did you ever notice how…weirdly aware he is? About things he hasn’t been around for?”

This gets his attention. “...go on.”

Which she does. “Back when you guys were down in that…weird fun park place, Dipper asked me if I remembered when the walls ate everyone. He said that he heard it from a ghost story by Dante but Dante told me he never told ghost stories. Before the thief-catching plan, Dipper somehow knew about that time when Diesel was at the pound! We didn’t even tell mom that!” 

Dylan gulps. “Dipper knew about Summer.”

“That's what I’m saying! How does he know about these things?! Is he psychic?!? Or did...had he been spying on us?”

“...I…I don’t know, He was dodgy on how he knew whenever I asked.”

“That pup sure has.” Dolly stamps her paw. “Dog! I wish we could just get a straight answer!”

Dylan puts a paw to his chin. “Even if we do confront him, Dipper would probably just shrug us off. We’d need solid evidence.”

“What kind?”

“We’d have to catch him knowing something no one else would know.” The pup faces his sister. “Dolly, can you keep an ear out on him?”

The pup nods.

Chapter Text

The sun was shining brightly this fine morning.

Camden town was busy as usual. The double decker buses of London’s public transit came, to and fro, delivering all kinds of passengers to their destinations for the morning grind. One in particular was different from the rest. This one stopped at a residential area, one of the upper class districts. A private bus! How rare! Seems that one of the neighborhood families is taking a trip. The countryside perhaps? Oh what an energetic bunch they were, over a hundred souls on this rig!...but only one human on board. How peculiar that it seems that this was a family of canines! So what was such a big group of dogs doing as they rode to their destination?

Why sing of course.

“ Dogs are out for suuuuuummmeeeeeerrrrrr suuuuuun! ”

The dalmatians laugh together after finishing their song.

“BOW-WAKA-WOOOOW! Yeah!” Dolly exclaimed. “I can’t believe we finished the song so early!” 

Her brother followed after. “I can’t believe we did the same music number from last year.”

“Hey! It’s a good song!”

Dylan winced. “Sorry D.J.! I didn’t mean it was a bad song.”

Dolly snickered. “Yeah Dylan~! You gotta watch what you say! Don’t want the pups to think you got bad taste!”

“Oh ha ha.” Dylan takes a moment to look over the bus’s first floor. “Hold on, has anyone seen Dipper?”

“You know now that you mention it, I didn’t hear him join in.”

Several other pups try to find their possibly missing sibling.

“I remember noticing him earlier in the morning, getting ready for the trip and all.” Dawkins stated.

“Dipper’s on the bus. I can smell him.” Diesel sniffed.

“He should’ve been on the bus with us. I mean all his stuff is right here.” Delgado stands against a bus seat, a large, overstuffed backpack sat at the window side unattended.

The pups start to get more worried at the sudden absentee. That was until Dolly noticed something.

“Say Dylan?”

“Do~lly, what?! Can’t you see I’m trying to find Dipper?!” She deadpans. “...sorry.”

“Anyways, don’t you think the ceiling’s weird?”

Dylan tries to see what his sister was talking about while failing spectacularly. “Weird how?” 

Dolly groans. “I mean the lights. Look! Some of them are gone!”

Up on the roof surface of the double-decker's first floor, it was hard to tell from the sunshine from the windows but several of the overhead lights were missing. It started normal from the front, only to cut short for about four bulbs before starting again.

“Yeah, you’re right! And…is it me or is the ceiling closer than I remember?”

Dolly’s eyes narrow. “...wait a minute.”

With a careful paw, she grabs her skateboard.

You would not believe the lengths I have to go to avoid a musical number.

But I’ll be damned if I get caught in one.

I never noticed until the day of the Debbies’ attempted departure how much these pups like to sing. Sure for a disney property they don’t quite break out in song out in the middle of nowhere, but they sing alright. Hoho! They sure sing. And you better bet your bottom fucking buck I am NOT gonna be a part of that! So whenever our family music lover drops a sick beat or someone starts belting out lyrics, I take it as a good sign to leave.

This little trip was no different. Had a decent hunch the family might sing the summer song of their people, just like they did, as I’m learning now, from last time. So in preparation, I had brought along some…provisions for the trip. One of them was a multipurpose blanket, but not just any kind. This baby had airtight, silver lined padding, waterproof AND insulating. But that was only a plus. The real reason I brought it to the outdoors was for its color, due to another little creative project of mine.

How to avoid the pups.

No I’m not dodging the family completely like my earlier days, ya mook! I love these guys! But, if I’m being honest, I really needed my me-time back. So brought birth to a neat little trick inspired by ninjas.

Ceiling tents!

Tying cloth material up on the ceiling with matching colors and no one would notice! Perfect camouflage! No one ever looks up! This would have been super difficult back as an almost two hundred pound human, but as a roughly five pound puppy?

Hell yeah I’m doing it!

After rounding up several…necessary items for the trip, I got to work. Using silver rope, I made a knotted framework at the top of several bus poles. Wrap the blanket around the criss cross frame and bam! Instant hiddie hovel! And it works too! One annoying song completely avoided.

I am a genius.

I even took a leak before the trip for the obligatory mid family pitstop. Now all I gotta do is take a nap and wait for us to get to our destination. Just sit back and reeeeelaaaaax. This is a vacation after all!

Aaaaaah! Leisure.

…

*bump*

…

The heck?

*bump bump*

Something’s…pressing up from under the blanket?

Oi! Wh-who’s poking down there!

*bump bump bump*

Gah! Stop it this in-

You know, I probably should have been watching where I was going. Maybe then I’d notice the heaping helping of not solid surface my paws landed on. Hindsight is twenty twenty after all.

I fall like a sack of bricks.

“AAaAAaaAAaAAAaAAh-OOF!” I screamed on impact with the bus floor, painfully I might add.

“There you are!” Dolly sing-songed. “We were starting to think we left you back home!”

I slowly pulled myself up. “Honestly wishing you guys had, right now.” I whimpered under my breath. I put a paw to the back of my head, hissing at the pain from the landing. That’s gonna sting.

“Aw come on, Dipper! We couldn’t just leave a pup all alone like that? It’d be irresponsible!” Dylan argued. “Also, what were you doing up there?” The dog gazed up at my canopy, both in confusion and intrigue.

“Trying to get some relaxation. Until someone decided I should be doing otherwise.” 

I glared at Dolly. 

Dolly smiled. Oh you little-

Dylan yanks me in by the shoulders. “Well hey! You can have some relaxation in Cornwall! Napping on the beach, sunbathing to the calming sounds of the ocean. Huh, how does that sound?” He wiggles his eyebrows at the notion.

Yerg.

Dude. I’ve been to the beach. It’s nice and all, but it’s highly overrated. The fight between coarse hot sand and freezing seawater. Don’t get me wrong, I love swimming! But I’m pretty sure open oceanic waters are a little bit more than a deep end. And in this small puppy body? Not worth the risk.

“I can relax back at home.” I grumbled.

Dolly takes a crack at encouragement. “Come on! I’m sure there’s a lot of other fun things to do in Cornwall!”

“Oh please, you can say that. You two have plenty of things to look forward to. Two specifically. One for each .” I smirked. Yeah, how you like them griddles!

But rather than gibberingly embarrassed like I thought they’d be, the two pups looked…stern.

“What?” I asked. Was it something I said?

“...it’s nothing.” Dylan trailed off.

“Go back to napping or whatever, dude.” Dolly prompted. The two disperse quickly to their seats.

Well okay then. Maybe they took the jab personally. Noted for future reference.

I look up at my blanket canopy. I could go back up there…nah. Cover’s been blown, might as well take the setup down, before someone pesters me about it.

“Dipper!” Too late.

Out of all the wanton pups, cheering and climbing on the wall, who should show up but the family twin mischievous duo: Dizzy and Dee Dee!

“What’s up you two?” I asked. I’m tired but I can’t show the kids that.

Dee Dee points at the canopy. “Did you make that?”

I nodded. “Yup! My little hole away from home, and the ground for that matter.” As well as whatever problems puppies could get up to, though they didn’t need to know that.

“Can we see?!” Dizzy asked eagerly, both pups were bouncing with excitement.

Well, I can't disappoint them now. Still, it’s kinda nice to have someone notice my hard work.

“Sure.” I answered with a smirk.

=+=

The bus comes to a slow stop, the door opens to let the fresh summer air in. 

Dylan was the first to step off. “Alright! We’re finally here! Time to-...Dipper, why are you in a poncho?”

The sky erupts in a flash of light. Everything then goes darker as several metric tons of water drenches all who thought it was going to be a lovely day. Cept the one who prepared.

“Insurance.” I stated. Everyone else who was unfortunate enough to have left the bus made a mad dash back to dry shelter. Not me though. I remember what happened last time. This puppy’s not planning to get drenched today. Especially not like some other pup who only sat there getting soaked with an unamused look on his face.

Sucker.

“Great. Just great. You know what, I'm going to pitch my tent. Do you want to help or not?” Dylan grumbles.

I chuckle. “Yeah ok, I’ll help ya.” Don’t want to bust the dude’s balls too much. “Besides, rain’s probably not going to last long anyways.”

Almost as if on cue, the heavy downpour straight up stops. One minute wet, next second clear. Even got the sun shining brightly again. Nice touch, nature, nice touch.

Aaaaaand there’s that weird look again. “I swear dude, I’m not psychic!” I jest as I pull off my poncho.

He drops the topic in favor of putting up his tent as soon as possible. With two pups, it takes no time at all, which is good as two dogs come walking in from the horizon right as we finish.

As they approach us, I bump my elbow at Dylan to get his attention. The moment he sees who’s coming, he certainly is at attention now. Dolly joins up when she notices we were gawking.

“Dylan! So glad you came!” Summer called out. Hehe, you’re not the only one, dog. I can see Dylan’s tail wagging from here.

“Heh-hey, Summer!” He stammered. With a blush.

Cute.

Dolly, on the other hand, walked up to greet Spike, the other Cornwall resident. Can’t see it from behind, but I bet she’s got hearts for pupils already. Lovesickness, yick.

“H~ey.” She coyed.

“Hey to you too, Dolly~.” The doberman playfully shot back. “Shall we?”

“Lets~”

The two walk off side by side towards the beach. I do my best not to wretch at the sight of the two lovebirds, you know, for common courtesy. Look, just because I don’t get romance, doesn’t mean I can’t respect people who are, even if it is quite agonizing to witness. Dolly wants to googly eye another dog, she’s free to do so as long as she doesn’t regret it. Dylan on the other hand, well…

That leaves the three of us.

All of us recover from our collective minor disgust at the departure of the power couple, only to remain awkwardly silent. Dylan, the master of small talk here, proceeds to say jack shit as the divide gets wider by the seconds passing.

…

Hey! Don’t look at me like that! I’m just as bad! And I don’t want to risk taking the initiative. I try introducing myself, my dumb ass could slip up on the fact I somehow knew about Summer before meeting Summer. Which is just bad news bears, especially with Dylan right next to me. That’s right, I’ve noticed those harsh looks, I have a hunch I haven’t been too subtle recently and some pups are getting suspicious. Sounds like a fine time to shut my pie hole before the beans get spilled.

Good thing the border collie got a bigger pair than the both of us and cleared her throat. “So, um… what’s with yappy?” she asked.

Dylan recovered, thank god, from the social discomfort “Oh, right! You two haven’t…met. Summer, this little pup here is the newest member to join our family!”

“Unofficially adopted.”

“He~y! Be nice!”

“But I am being nice.” I lean against the pole of his tent, crossing my back legs. A normally human pose. Keyword human.

“No you’re not, you’re being weird!”

“No I’m not.”

“Yes you are!”

“You’re the one being weird in front of your girlfriend.”

Dylan turns cherry red. “Dipper!” he squeaked through clenched teeth.

My paw clamps my chest in feint ignorance. “What?! She’s a girl, and I heard she’s your friend. Am I… wrong ?” I am having way too much fun with this.

Gentle laughter cuts through our ribbing. We both turn to see Summer giggling into her paw.

“You two sure are close!” She says between titters.

Dropping my airs with a smile. “Ok ok, I’ve macked Dylan’s chops enough for now.” I extend my paw. “Name’s Dipper. Well, seeing as I’m part of the family, I guess it’s Dipper Dalmatian.”

She shakes it in turn. “Glad to meet you, Dipper!” Shaking paw’s still weird. Like balloon mittens. “Wait, are you…tha’ Dipper?” Say what now?

“My…reputation precedes me?” A rep? I have a rep outside Camden? When did I get a rep? I know that Fergus noticed me that one night but I don’t think he gossips THAT much, does he? Who knows what that fox does in his free time other than raid garbage.

“Yeah! Viktor was saying some dalmatian pups helped him help his human back in Camden.” Oh right! The big lug did say he was staying at a lighthouse in Cornwall. “I just assumed the pup he meant was Dylan. Hold on, I’ll call him over!” Wait wha- “VIIIIIKTOOOOOOOR!”

Ho boy.

Tremors hit us, we all jump several centimeters off the ground with each wave. A black mass comes running in from afar at an alarming speed. Instincts get me to bolt by a little too late. My tiny paws only manage a mere foot in a mad dash to the bus before I’m sent several back into a crater by the dog-hemoth.

“Tiny comrade!”

“Hey Viktor.” I gasped from my hole before I’m assaulted by something large and wet. He’s licking me. Great. I was trying to avoid taking a bath by rain water.

Adding insult to injury, Dylan and Summer were chuckling past the massive bear killer.

“Oh he definitely meant you! I’ve never seen him so chummy before.”

I see Dylan smiling out of the corner of my eye. ”Ha! He sure is.”

Yeah yuck it up. Your adopted brother almost bought it by canine manslaughter and all you’re doing is laughing at his expense. I almost died! Again!

Speaking of almost dying again.

I do my best to push Viktor’s snout out of my face. “Hey Summer?” I called out.

“Yes?”

“There…wouldn’t happen to be a bovine named Bessie around, would there?”

“How’d you know-” I cleared my throat, don’t have time for that now.

“Just answer the question. Please. I just…remember hearing stories. About the last trip.” You know, I wouldn’t be so exhausted if I hadn’t gotten the wind knocked out of me.

Summer, on the other hand, looked crestfallen. “She’s…gone to greener pastures.”

Oh.

That’s a downer.

I know she’s tried to kill the family a total of four times, but woof! That’s...that’s kinda dark.

“Sorry for your loss?” I say as gently as possible.

She looks up, startled. “No no! She hasn’t kicked the bucket yet! Sorry. What I mean was that Bessie’s gone to a more secluded pen. We had a wee chat with her after you guys left, mostly from Spike since he almost bit it too. We all agreed that it was best if she went somewhere more isolated. Away from any tourists” 

Huh. Neat. Murder cow’s still alive. I don’t know how to feel about that.

Probably more concerned that I am right now, cause who cares! She’s not here. No attempted dog homicide today! Still awkward convo though.

A seagull flies down, landing on top of Viktor’s head. His wall eyed expression betrays absolutely no emotions. Or intentions for that matter.

“Rwah! Rwah! Got any chips?” Asked Chips.

Aha! Distraction!

“As a matter of fact…” I ran past everyone back into the bus, coming back with the large rucksack I came with. Zipping open the top, I pull out a metal lunchbox. Inside, the smell of fresh potato quads the air. “Got me four extra large orders this morning. Who wants snackies!”

Now why would a puppy have so much french fries he could never finish myself? First off, if I bring food on a trip I’m gonna have to bring enough that at least everyone gets a bite. Second…ok I just felt really bad chips never seem to actually get any…chips. Dude ate everything BUT chips, that’s not healthy. Well, fried food is probably not healthy for avians either, but it’s a much better alternative to binoculars. Or a faberge egg.

Various dogs and one very enthusiastic bird flocked over to the bus with the promise of high carb treats. Due to the fact I underestimated how much everyone would want fried food, I had to hand out one per mouth so that everyone would get an equal share.

Bar one pup.

“Hey, Dylan. Free food.” I hold up a packet. “Come on! These taters are going out like hot cakes! You want a fry or not?”

He doesn’t react at first, taking a weighted moment to answer.

“No, I'm good.”

Hm, alright then. Didn’t think a dog would turn down snack time. Must be carbed out.

Ah well, more for me!

Dylan looks from afar at the pup feeding everyone his fast food bounty. Gradually, he pulls himself away from the crowd. Summer noticed the dalmatian leaving, squeezing out and running after the pup.

“Wow, your brother’ sure is wicked!” She exclaimed, licking her lips of seasoning. Her mood dims at the serious face the other pup was making. “Something the matter, Dylan?”

“Wh-what?!” Pup in question shook himself out of his thoughts. “Oh, no. Nothing like that.” He assures.

Summer remains unconvinced. “Not with that face, it's not. Dylan, what’s wrong?”

Dylan continues to insist “Really I’m fine! It’s just…” 

He looks back to the crowd.

“Huh?” The border collie follows his stare. “Is it Dipper? What’s wrong with him? I haven’ met the dog for long but’ he seems alight’. Is…there something between the two of you?”

“What?! No! He’s a nice pup, Dipper’s like a brother to me!”

Summer raises an eyebrow. “Then what? Qui’ faffing around and spill it already!”

“Alright, fine.” Dylan sighs. “It’s just…

“Yes…?”

He clears his throat. “Dipper’s never met Chips until today. But here he is with multiple orders of his favorite food, prepared in advance!”

Summer puts a paw to her chin in thought. “That does seem awfully coincidental…”

“That’s just it, there’s been so many coincidences lately. He’s been with us for less than six months but it’s like that dog’s been here twice as long. Summer, he knows things. Things that only my family’s been through. Dipper says he’s heard it from the other pups, but…well. Dolly doesn’t think so. And…I-I don’t know.” The two look back to the crowd, now dispersing at the now consumed food. 

Snack time was over.

Dipper returns the empty lunchbox into his luggage. In another pocket, the dalmatian pup pulls out a weird metal prong. He goes to the bus’s wheel, strapping the hardware to the tire. The pup had just booted the vehicle. Dylan and Summer gulp.

The local turns to the city dweller. 

“Okay, that’s uncanny.”

=+=

“I can’t believe you landed in briars on the way here. Twice!” Summer laughed. 

Mostly at Dylan.

“Oh ha ha.” said the pup, now turned porcupine.

I snickered as well. “No seriously! We were all going down the same path! You were even listening to Summer’s directions! How did you accomplish this?!”

We all made our way down to the beach, and from the looks of how Summer was taking the lead, we were learning from our past mistakes. At least we should have. Dylan found a way to mess it up. So now he’s got the prickly shiners to show for it.

“Will you just help me with these thorns already?!” He growls while pulling a particularly long barb out of his nose.

“Ok ok fine, hold still then.” We’ve had our fun now. Probably go faster if we do help.

Several yanks with many cries of comical pain later, Dylan was pointy free.

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?” I smirked. Dylan scowled. “You want some ointment?” My smirk doesn’t go away as I pull out the medicine.

He keeps his scowl.

But only briefly. 

“Yes.” He relents.

Instead of popping the cap, I hand the tube off to the other dog. 

“Well you can get Summer to do it for you. I ain’t rubbing your butt, ya big baby.”

Now it’s Summer’s turn to blush tomato red. Dylan’s also stammering like a blubbering idiot but that's sort of normal by now. I leaned in close so only he could hear my whispers.

“You mess up this time, I will slap you. With the dog hook. Upside your head.”

And with that I take my exit. “You two crazy kids have fun!”

…

What?! 

I’m a hypocrite?

Bulldonkey. I still stand that I’m no matchmaker, got enough trouble setting up doctor appointments let alone a full blown date. Like hell was I going to subject Dylan to my piss poor planning skills. What I CAN do is go and give the two heartthrobs some “alone time”. 

Seriously, it’s not hard to leave . 

Laughing off the stuttering coming off the two, I try to find an open spot to set up shop.

After dodging running pups and a flying Deepak, there it was. A perfectly vacant plot of sand. Pristinely smooth, no pawprints at all, the family having run completely around it. Far enough from water to avoid the tides, but close enough to feel the ocean breeze.

I am going into far too much detail than necessary in describing public space.

Time to get to work.

Umbrella pinned. 

Towel rolled out. 

My bags to my upper left.

 Dog hook left to my right.

I lay down in the middle of my makeshift fortress of mismatched objects. Why a fortress, you totally didn’t ask? What would I need to protect myself from on this fine summer day?

A beach ball bounces off the brim of my sunshade while several tennis balls impact my pack, falling harmlessly to the sand. My person left undisturbed.

What would I need indeed.

With that, my safety’s secured. I popped in my headphones and turned on my online radio app. Now what to listen to? Hm. Maybe something summer-like.

I opened up a channel. Like a Prayer by Madonna starts playing.

Ah, late 80’s early 90’s pop music. How you tug at my nostalgia bone.

Taking the moment to stretch, my back cracking satisfyingly. 

Now I can just reeeeeelaaaaaax.

…

…

At least I thought I could.

“What is it?” I ask flatly to the two pups standing over me.

“Hi Dipper!” said Dizzy.

“Hi Dipper!” said Dee Dee.

I nod to each in acknowledgment. “Girls.”

No time for shenaniganry, Time for nap! They look like they’re looking for trouble and I’m not. I’ve had enough out of trouble. Trouble can go bite someone else’s dick for a change. Who knows, maybe they’ll get bored and scurry off if I wait long enough. If I reopen my eyes-and they’re still there.

“Alright, what do you want?”

“Your help!” Of course they do. Can never catch a break around here.

“It’s not about pirate treasure is it? Cause I’d kinda like to avoid life threatening situations.”

Dee Dee shakes her head. “No, Dylan told us we couldn’t play pirate this time.” Good! That’s gre- “We’re going cave exploring!”...I think they missed the point.

“Preeeeetty sure that’s the same thing.”

Dizzy tilts her head confused. “No it’s not!”

“Yes it is-you know what, I’m not arguing about this. Look, it's dangerous. Why don’t you two bother Chips?”

Dizzy pouts. “Chips is too busy with lifeguard duty.” 

“What about Viktor? Dude’s built like an ATV, I’m sure he’d give you two piggyback rides if you asked nicely.”

“We did!” She exclaims. “Now we’re bo~red…what’s an ATV?” Crying shame.

“All Terrain Vehicle. And I guess that’s too bad.” I say as I try to return to relaxation. 

Breath in.

Breath out.

My paw shot out a moment later to grab the dog hook, a second pair was attempting to drag it away.

“What did I say about the use of the dog hook?” Dee Dee glowers to my left, her bid at stealth foiled.

"Nothing~?" She attempts in a last ditch effort.

"Exactly." Which I immediately cut down.

“Awww.” She whines.

“Come on Dee Dee.” Dizzy says downtrodden. “Let's go find our own fun.” They start walking off.

Ah hell, red flag.

“Hold it.” The two stop in their tracks. “You’re going to explore those caves anyway, aren’t you?”

The twins share a glance but say nothing. A first coming from the family’s trouble making duo. Which was never a good sign.

“Of course you are. Not like anyone could convince you otherwise.” I grumble under my breath. “Fine. If you’re going to that cave, I’ll…I’ll come with.” I hesitantly confirm, much to the pair’s delight. “But we’re going to go on my terms! And we’re leaving the moment it gets dangerous, you hear!”

Guess they were too excited, cause they tackled me into a three pup hug right after I finished my triad. I should have expected this by now.

“Yaaaaay!”

“We knew we could count on you!”

Still wrings a smile out of me though. 

=+=

In the dark dank hollows filled with the unfriendly spikes of stalactites and stalagmites…five canines make their way into its vast depths.

“Sorry for dragging you into our little escapade. I wouldn’t have asked if I could handle it on my own.” I apologized.

The border collie shakes her head. “Oh it’s no trouble a’ all, glad I could help!”

“Well I think it’s still dangerous, can’t believe you convinced us despite the facts!” Dylan added his two bits into a conversation not involving him. “Dipper, what were you thinking!”

I let out an annoyed sigh. “Well I remember thinking two chaperones was good enough for an expedition. You invited yourself. We weren’t planning to be here for long, no reason not to have waited back on the beach.”

“Because it’s far too risky! We almost died here! I can’t in good conscience leave three pups to their graves!”

I give the worrywort a serious look. “If we had just told them ‘don’t go in this cave’ do you think they'd drop the idea immediately?” Dylan doesn’t answer. “This way, we could keep them relatively safe from the more dangerous parts of the cave!”

The dalmatian was pensive. “...But we’re nowhere properly equipped for any kind of deep spelunking.”

“Which is why I prepared!” I knock on the survival grade belt lamp strapped to my collar.

“Yeah I was wondering about that.”

“Family pack camping set. I had four, one for each of us, but well…”

Dylan grumbled in a low voice, but loud enough for us to hear. “Well you seem ready for anything.”

The local bumps the city boy’s sides. “Don’t worry, Dylan, we’ll be fine! I know these caves like the back of my paws. And with these nifty little torches, we won’t get lost!”

“You can use mine if you want.” I moved to take off my light before he holds up a paw.

“No need, I brought my own.” He straps his pasta strainer hard hat, the one where he built in a light. Dude also strapped a smug grin on his face we all could have done without.

I ignore it, of course. Gotta be the better dog and all. “Ha! And you say I’m prepared! Who’s prepared now?” Doesn’t mean I can’t rib him a bit.

“Well I think they’re snazzy!” Summer added

Dylan merely humphs my jab off, instead turning to calling out to his sisters. “Dizzy! Dee Dee! Stay close now! Don’t go running too far!”

I call out a warning as well. “Remember what I said! We’re turning right back at the first sign of danger, so be careful!”

“OK~AY!” “OK~AY!”

The two cheerfully cry out in an echoing duet, the acoustics of the cave carrying their voices. Dylan went ahead of us to keep the twins within view, leaving the rest of our little scouting party in the back.

Another thought pips in the back of my mind.

“Summer?”

“Wot is it, Dipper?”

“These caves…aren’t known for…collapsing, are they?”

The collie scoffs. “Nah! This grotto might look dodgy at first but it’s actually quite safe!”

“So…no chance the roof would suddenly squish us like pancakes if we make too much noise.”

She chuckles. “Wow! Careful or you might become Dylan’s clone in no time.”

“Not the first time I’ve been referred to as such.” I jest.

“Heh yeah, this place is usually rock solid. Last time his family stayed was the first in a while. Dylan and those two pups would have kicked the bucket had I not caught them in time. But I’m sure you’ve heard about that already.” She smirked, in an oddly meddlesome way. I don’t know how to describe it, but whatever it was, the tone was slightly distressing.

I clear my throat. “Ahem! Well, I guess I have…did…did Dylan say that?”

“He sure did, was mighty hung up about it earlier when you were giving out snacks. I was less inclined to believe his claims, what with you being a nice fellow who pawed out free treats and all.” oh hey thanks for the comp- “That was until you booted that bus wheel.”

Oh.

“I’m sure there’s some pups who like to be cautious, I mean look at Dylan.” I say while trying to avoid eye contact.

Summer gives me a coy look, totally not buying it.

“Alright alright yes, I remember hearing about the last trip.” I admit. “I was just…trying to make sure nothing goes wrong this time. These guys get into SO much trouble, and…I just wanted to keep them safe. Or at least out of near death situations. You were there, you know what I’m saying, right?”

Summer was about to say something witty when she shuts her muzzle to take a second thought. Or at least that’s what her contemplating face is telling me, seeing as she didn’t immediately make another jab.

I take this as a sign to keep going. “Trust me when I say these aren’t extreme measures, it’s just preplanning .”

Her playful streak comes back as she smirks. “Nothing’s getting past you, huh?”

Now it’s my turn. “Not as much as puns. ‘Rock solid’? Didn’t think I’d notice, did you?”

Summer breaks out in laughter. “Ha! I guess you did!”

The two of us shared a moment of merriment as I chuckled myself.

The amusement dies down. “We probably should catch up, don’t want to leave Dylan high and dry.” Takes a moment to realize the irony. “...in a moist and dank environment.”

“Pfff, come on you goober!” The local snickers as she runs ahead.

It takes us a minute to catch up to the other dalmatians. When we do, we find the older pup struggling against the twins in some kind of pseudo hide and seek game. Less hide, more seek.

“MARCO!” goes Dizzy.

“POLO!” from Dee Dee.

“Come on you two, that’s not fair!” Dylan jumps back and forth between.

“Over here!”

“No here!”

“Trouble?” I asked.

“You don’t know the half of it. Where were you two?! Dizzy and Dee Dee started a game of tag suddenly and split off in opposite directions! They’ve been making circles around me since!”

“Yeah we are!”

“Dylan, over here!”

Summer giggles again, but then suddenly takes on a more serious tone. “Careful you guys! We’re really close to the cliffside!”

Dizzy pops up from a distance. 

“But we’re winning!”

“Dylan’s eating out dust!”

“Don’t worry, we’re brave explorers!”

“We’re not afraid of some silly cave!”

The two’s playful laughter echoes once again throughout the cave. Well at least it’s good that they’re not traumatized from their last time. Twin pups continue to make their rounds circling the other dogs, now including several newcomers.

Which was when Dee Dee’s paw slips.

“Dee Dee!”

“Sis!” cried her twin.

Dylan runs over to the pup overboard, followed by Summer and Dizzy immediately behind him. When he looks over the edge, his panic decreases at the sight of his sister hanging onto a ledge a foot below. Still, the dog was anxious now on figuring out the details of how to get her up.

“Dylan! Heeeeelp!” cried the dangling pup.

“We gotta get her up!” Summer shouted. “I can try to reach her from here. Dylan! Can you hold onto my tail?” 

Dee Dee’s right paw loses its grip, the pup now hanging by one.

“HURRY!” Dizzy called out.

“What?! No! That’s too dangerous! I can’t risk dropping you!” The oldest dalmatian retorted. “I’ll go down!”

“Dylan, your tail’s not long enough, you couldn’t reach that far even if you tried!” In the middle of their quarrel, the ledge holding the pup breaks.

Dee Dee drops.

“NO!”

The three dogs watch in horror as the lone dalmatian falls to her blackening doom. Time almost seems to slow to a crawl as the young dog cascades into the dark abyss below. Dylan tries to lunge for his sister, only to be stopped by Summer, who realized the futility of the action. Tears drenched Dizzy’s eyes. There was nothing the three could do anymore. The puppy was out of reach.

*CLANG*

Metal clamps stone.

Wire unwinds at high speed.

A blur whisks past.

Where Dee Dee was falling, the pup was gone.

“Where’d she go?!” Dylan cried.

Everyone frantically checks all over for the missing dalmatian.

“Look!” Dizzy points out.

From the far end of the cliffside, two puppies were swinging from a cable. One clinging to the other.

“She’s alright!” Summer exclaimed.

With the grip of his paw, the pup pulls on the dog hook, swinging to the security of solid ground. He and Dee Dee slide in rough but safely on the stone floor as the other three dogs come to meet the now out of danger canines.

“Way to go!”

“Yay! Dipper to the rescue!”

“Oh my dog, are you okay?! Is everyone okay?! Please tell me you’re okay!!”

Dee Dee reaches up to hug her savior. “My hero~!” 

The pup doesn’t react. “Dipper?” She asked.

Dipper didn’t respond. Mostly because the small dog was recovering from the heart rate spike that broke through the roof, going from calm to oh shit had caused his little puppy heart to do gymnastics in the span of half a minute. Adrenaline can be an asshole sometimes, even if it helps in stressful situations.

A small rock dropping from the cave roof broke the pup out of his hyperventilation trance.

“Ok! That’s that! That was the first sign of danger! We’re leaving!”

Another, bigger rock lands squarely on his head. Turns out stalactites are, in fact, not stable grapple holds.

“S~e~e?” was the only word he could muster as the dog fell backwards.

“Dipper!”

The cries of his fellow canines calling out his name was the last thing he heard as he passed out.

Concussions suck, kiddos.

=+=

…

Where am I?

…

Ugh, my head. 

What even hit me?

…

How long was I out?

…

And why does it smell like old leather?

“Oh”

If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve passed out, I’d have two nickels. Which is ten cents far too many for anyone in their lifetime really. Next thing I’m buying is a helmet.

Slowly I open my eyes, mostly to not aggravate the dull throbbing pain of my crown. The metal roof of the bus welcomes me from my minor coma. Along with a sock and a football.

“Is he coming to?” Dylan exclaimed.

Dolly shoves a paw in my face. “Heeeeeey! Earth to Dipper! You with us?”

Girl, I was knocked out, not deaf. Not helping my head injury here, don’t need my ears in pain too.

“I can hear you fine, Dolly.” I say in a nicer tone than my thoughts. 

Dylan sighed in relief. “Oh thank dog you’re conscious! You had us all worried there!”

“I’ll say! Dude, you really need to keep your nose out of trouble!”

And here I thought I was keeping out of trouble. At least relative to what the family usually gets into.

“What happened while I was out?”

“Well, when you were out cold, me and summer brought you back out of the cave.” Dylan explained. “Mum almost had a fit when she found out we had entered the cave again. But when we all vouched that the reason everyone got out safely was because of your efforts, she calmed down.”

“After everything calmed down, Mom gave you a quick checkup to make sure your headcase wasn’t cracked!” Dolly continued. “Luckily your melon was fine, so she brought you back to the bus for some rest. And to keep you out of trouble.”

“Well that explains the blanket.” I was wrapped up tightly once again, more likely for my own containment rather than my safety this time. They were so confident that they just left the dog hook right next to me. Dipper the puprito makes a return! “...Sorry.”

She kept going, clearly still having a lot to say. “You better be! I can’t believe you brought Dylan to go exploring INSTEAD of calling me! Keeping all the fun to yourself, you fun hog!” FUN! You call that fun! Why you li-ok, deep breaths, now. You are a sane person, no need for violence right now.

“First off, Dylan invited himself.”

“Heeeeeey!”

I ignore Dylan’s whining. “I needed Summer’s help since she knows the caves better. I had planned to only be gone for a moment.”

“I could have still gone with.” Dolly protested

Like I needed more dogs to worry about! “Second, it was dog sitting, not a fiesta. we were making sure Dizzy and Dee Dee didn’t get hurt, and as you can see, my concern was well founded.”

“Pfff, yeah. By taking a rock to the brain!” So that’s what clocked my nog.

“Among other things. And third, I didn’t want to interrupt your special alone time with Spike . I know how you value that.”

Dolly shuts up for good, all while sporting a light blush while looking away. Gotcha there.

“We-well joke’s on you, Mom’s going to give you a stern talking to when she hears you’re up.”

“Yeah I was probably asking for it.” I sighed. “Alright, you can go let her know. I’ve taken too much of your quality time already.” 

Dolly walks off and out of the bus.

Dylan on the other hand, stays. “You…can go now, dude. Despite how it looks, I don’t need a babysitter. At least, not all the time.” I’m going to have to admit, I don’t seem to be able to take care of myself as well as I used to. Curse you puppy genes.

He stays for a while. “Ye-I mean no! I-! It’s just I’m-”

“Conflicted?”

“...yeah.”

“Look, if it’s about saving Dee Dee, you know what I’d do for you guys. So I’m just going to say you’re welcome and leave it at that.” 

Dylan stifled a laugh. “Alright then.”

“As for my current situation…well, guess I wasn’t prepared enough, huh?”

“Sure didn’t prepare for a rock to the head, did you?” He raised his eyebrow, mockingly.

“Ha! Guess I didn’t. Should have gotten something like that headgear you had on. Oh hey! Maybe we could trade flashlights!” I joke.

“No way! I had that custom made!” Dylan chuckled in return. “...but…when we get back home, maybe we can make you one. What do you say?”

I smile lightly, to not aggravate my aching head. “I’d like that. Now go, summer awaits.”

He raises a coy eyebrow. “Our friend or the season?”

I remain playfully silent. Can’t make it easy for the dog, now can I?

“Alright, I’ll go. Take care Dipper.” He pats my ear, making sure not to cause agitation to my head wound before heading to the door.

“You too, Dylan.”

=+=

So Delilah gave me an ear and a half full, mostly about caves being dangerous and not going into them again. Honestly, I think she was more annoyed at the fact the rest of the family had to retrieve all my stuff back to the bus, to which I apologize profoundly for. Once that was over, it was…peaceful. Oh sure it’s not quite the beachside vacay spot I had before, but it was quiet enough and that’s what matters.

Not like I can do much, having been hogtied in the name of medical care. Alas, what can you do?

Silver linings can only go so far, everyone coming back for the evening to slumber within the confines of the bus. If you thought sleeping in a household with over a hundred canine souls was loud, try it in a giant echoey metal box. Luckily, I’ve slept in a room with a guy who’s snoring literally sounded like a table saw! I know how to sleep with noisy roommates. The trick is to go limp.

So the vacation is ending tomorrow, everyone’s safe, the lovebirds are enjoying their sweet time, and it only came at the cost of one near death experience!

Now if only the bus wasn’t moving.

=+=

“How is it we’re running after the bus AGAIN!” Dolly yelled.

“Less yelling and more RUNNING!” Dylan screamed back.

The two couples were enjoying the evening moonlight as much as each other’s company. And without the unwanted presence of vomited kibble or social class prejudices, the night was going swimmingly. That was until they heard the snoring. See, when Viktor heard that his little friend was injured, he wanted to stay by his side. Too bad he couldn’t get on the bus, being the size of half a buggy. So Viktor did the next best thing and stayed by the bus. He even stayed outside for the night to sleep with the family. Or rather sleep by the family rather. Which was unfortunate as Viktor rolls in his sleep.

I’m sure you can guess what happened.

So the four dogs were chasing the runaway vehicle, threatening to throw an entire family off a cliff once again. Tis a shame no one can blame a cow for these circumstances. Now you might be wondering, how our newest member of these frightful events was taking the deadly ride of his life.

well…

=+=

I am in great pain.

I’m sure not a lot of people have had the lovely experience of riding an out of control metal coffin before, I for one had not. And if I had set my cards right, I wouldn’t have had to. Too bad I suck at cards.

The turmoil starts with over several dozen screams, which does no favors for my head. You know what else doesn’t do wonders for your head? Your pillow slipping out from under it as you’re cascaded around like a rubber ball on a trampoline. Only the ball is my face and that trampoline consists of thin leather seats over metal piped frames. Oh and my five pound mechanical grappling hook was also taking turns beating my schnoz along with the bus bench. The only silver lining was that the commotion had actually unraveled the blanket, enough for me to wrench myself from the confined to protect myself from any more bodily harm.

I swiftly grabbed the dog hook, rectifying that little face beating immediately, and pawed my way to the corner of the bench. Had to be careful, the momentum of the bus was pinning everyone to the back. Have to stay low or else I’ll join them in the back end! As a bus sticker! 

Have to stop the bus. The emergency brakes! Delilah and Doug were too far back this time to get to it. But I'm not. If I can get to the brakes in time…

The hook soars down the bus aisle, clamping on the break shaft as the line tightens. My paw holds the brace in a death grip as I wrench forward down the midlane. Before my body could be pulled all the way, I latched onto a bench leg close by. This small puppy form couldn’t possibly pull the brakes by gravity alone, but with the motor, it just might.

Looks like my hunch was right, the stick shifts. The brakes screech as it fights with the bus’s momentum. It’s working! We might make it!

There was a horrible chunk in the back. The family’s screams rise an octave. The bus starts leaning upwards. I’m too late.

Looking up at the windshield, I see the squished faces of Dolly and Dylan, as well as Summer and Spike. God Damn it! It’s just like last time all over again. This time I could die as well!

“Mom?!” I shout to the back. “Do you still have the family floaty?!?”

Delilah looked around in panic. “We don’t have it! It was still getting repaired from last summer!”

Ok, I was wrong. It’s worse this time! The parents can’t even lighten the load so the bus could roll back. The fuck do we even do!!!

*THUMP* 

Thump?

Hang on. There’s movement outside. What’s Dolly looking at?

The bus lurches back towards the cliff as it rolls back to solid ground. Did someone…pull us up? I look up to see a large furry mass clinging to the front bumper.

Oh right. We have a Viktor.

When the bus finally settles, everyone gets off single file. My tight arse unclenched itself, realizing how sore I was from clinging to a metal pipe. The moment I left the vehicle I flopped down onto the ground exhausted.

Dog mom and dog dad come to greet their savior. “Thank you Viktor. You saved us there!” Delilah lauded.

“We really would have been in the dog house had you not pulled us back!” Doug added.

Instead of being proud, the titan of a canine was…sorrowful. “Viktor is sorry.”

The two parents were taken back, not expecting an apology. “What for, Viktor?” Delilah asked.

“Viktor was the one who pushed bus. It is Viktor’s fault that family was in danger.”

“I have several objections.” I raised a frazzled paw in protest.

“But Viktor-”

“ I had put a boot on the bus earlier so that this specific thing would not happen. And now that I notice, it’s conveniently gone.”

“Oh! You mean the three way chew toy?” Dimitri two spoke up.

“What.”

The pup went on. “Yeah, me and the boys found this thing under the bus. Real sturdy too!”

“I!…You!…I’m too tired for this.” I dropped the subject. These puppies want to be the death of me, what am I going to do, stop them? I look around the family, most of them panting from the adrenaline rush we just had. No one’s going to bed after that. “So what now?”

Everyone looked at one another, slightly confused before Dolly spoke.

“Party?”

=+=

“Why am I on the grill?!?” 

I asked rightfully. The family returned to the beach to work off all the tension a near death experience would give you. I had apparently been deemed on cooking duty for…some odd reason. I don’t remember being known for my cooking skills.

“Think of it as just desserts for earlier, for entering the cave without permission!” Delilah exclaimed playfully.

“Ok, fair, but why me? I’m pretty sure there should be someone more capable of cooking in the family with more skill than me.” A baker comes to mind.

“Nope!” She merely states. “Me and Doug tend to turn our food into charcoal! And Debbie-May can’t grill to save her life!” Oh.

“Sorry Dipper! Open flames just don’t speak to me like ovens do.” Debbie-May called out. Ah pits.

I sigh. “Fine! I’ll go cook your burgers, but don’t expect anything amazing. My skills are subpar at most.” A pup comes sniffing for free samples, to which I cut them off with the grilling tongs. “No! Bad! Those hotdogs aren’t done yet!”

Delilah just laughs. “I think you’ll do just fine.”

I only rolled my eyes. “If you say so.”

=+=

Oh thank god that’s over! Cooking for over a hundred is basically being a catering service of one. Would not recommend it for newcomers. It’s hard.

Silver lining, after serving seconds and even thirds (apparently Doug likes my cooking), I was able to serve myself how I like it. Loved me some melted swiss on my burgers. Yum!

I go to find myself a secluded portion of the beach, one where the family is a distance away. D.J. jamming in the distance, a nice ambiance of lively activity. Party in the background, ocean waves in the foreground. I take a bite out of my burger. What a good spot to enjoy some alone time.

“Hey Dipper!” Dee Dee called out.

Of course.

“You two want thirds already? Cause I’m kinda in the middle of my first.”

“Nope! Still on our seconds!” Dizzy comes in with a plate in her mouth. “You make a good burger!”

“Thanks.” I chuckled.

“Mind if we sit here?” Dee Dee asked.

Really, two of the most hyperactive dogs want to just sit here? “Sure.” I mean I wasn’t going to say no, was I?

The three of us sit there, enjoying the seaside and our meals. In relative peace, big surprise there! I was just about to feel completely relaxed when Dizzy asked a question.

“Can you tell us a love story?”

I almost choked on my burger there. Almost. I swallowed. “Really? You want a love story? From me?”

“Pleaaase!” Dee Dee begged.

“You sure you want a love story?” I look between the two pups. “Between Dolly and Dylan and your parents , I thought you two would be sick of love.”

Dizzy puts on some puppy eyes. “Come ooooon!”

This is starting to become a nuisance. “Alright! Alright. Just… let me think of something.” Good lord, now I gotta think up a romance on the spot.

“You guys know Lady and the Tramp, right?”

“Mum and dad’s favorite.” Dizzy responded. Of course it was.

“Beauty and the Beast?”

“Seen it.”

“...The Little Mermaid?”

“Twice!” 

Jeezus cripes, you pups are making this hard. Alright, what’s a love story these kids haven’t seen? Hmmmm. I wonder if…

“Did you ever happen to hear about how your great great great grandparents met?” I…did block this movie on Disney+, they might not have watched the original 101 Dalmatians. Seems my intuition was right when the two pups shake their heads.

Good.

“Alright, this is the story of how Pongo Dalmatian had met, the soon to be, Perdita Dalmatian! It all started when Pongo’s human, Roger, was composing some music one afternoon…”

=+=

-The morning after-

Everyone lined up to get onto the bus as Dylan was taking count. I came up to the other side of the door across from the pup. “So…heck of a summer vacay, huh?”

“Honestly, this year was pretty tame! I had to kite through a thunderstorm last time, if you would believe.” Dylan sighed.

I show a surprised face. “No kidding! Well, at least we survived another year, right?”

“Sure did!”

Several more pups head inside before I pop the question.

“Did you say your ‘farewell’ to Summer yet?”

Dylan blushes. “I-I-um-well-I mean-”

“Look.” Time to get serious. “This is not the time to get cold paws. Now I’m willing to give my full support whether it be a push in the right direction or me clonking you over the head with the dog hook should you bungle it up, did you think I was kidding about that?!”

Dylan gulps. The border collie in question walks in, sitting down at a distance.

I continue my triad. “Now here’s what you’re going to do. After everyone’s on the bus, you’re going to go over there, make small talk, then say see you soon. Then, and for the love of all that is holy, you are going to kiss the girl!”

He was about to make a meek protest when he paused for a moment.

“Did you get that last part from The Little Mermaid?”

I sighed. “Dizzy and Dee Dee had me tell them a romance story last night. The movie was brought up while I was trying to find something to tell. You know, one that they didn’t already know.”

He snickered. “Those two can be quite a pawful.”

“Why yes I am very tired, why do you ask?” I say in a sarcastic tone. “Once I get on the bus, I’m sleeping all the way home.” The last of the pups finally gets on the bus. “Alright that’s about everyone, you go on over while taking a nap. Now scoot!” 

Dylan chuckles as I playfully shoved him over to Summer. As I hopped onto the steps of the bus, I stopped. With an eye looking at the edge of my sight, I looked back at the two canines. They were making small talk, right before Dylan took a quick lick of the local before running past me into the bus. Summer giggled with a blush before she left.

You go dog.

=+=

“Heard you finally got to first base, lover boy!” Dolly playfully jabbed.

Dylan physically jabs Dolly back. “Please, you’ve been on first base since last summer! Don’t think I don’t notice you and Spike back there.” He looks around less heated. “Is…Dipper asleep?”

“Out like a light.” She points a paw to said pup, snoring with a matching pair of earmuffs and eye covers. “Why’d you wanna know?” Dolly asked carefully. 

“Because I need to have a talk with the twins.” Dylan walks down the aisle, Dolly following along.

He finds the two in the back, hopping in their bus seats.

“Hi Dylan!” goes Dizzy.

“Hi Dylan!” follows Dee Dee.

“Hey Dizzy. Hey Dee Dee.” The two stop jumping.

Dizzy gulps. “Are we in trouble?”

Dylan clears his throat. “While I’m still displeased with how you handled it, I did ask you two to hang out with Dipper for the trip.”

The twins sat there confused. “So…” Dee Dee trailed on.

Their older brother sighs. “No you’re not in trouble.”

Dolly interjects. “Hold up, you asked them to go into the cave?!”

“Well I didn’t think they’d go to that extreme!” Dylan snipped back. “Anyways, that’s not important right now.” He turns back to the twins. “Last night, Dipper told you a romantic tale. What was it about?”

“Oh! He told us the story about how our great great great grandparents met!”

“...what?”

“Yeah! It was really swe~et how Pongo went after Perdita!”

“...yeah. Thanks for hanging out with Dipper this trip.” Dylan walked away along with Dolly into another empty bus seat. He turns to the equally concerned pup. “Did mom tell the other pups about…?”

“Not that I know of, no. She only told us.” Dolly considered.

The two of them looked at one another, knowing one fact now. That this was solid evidence. Solid enough that their “brother” couldn’t pass it off as hearing it from one of the family.

They finally had their proof.

Chapter Text

“How’s the new waterfall fountain?” I called over the fence.

“Oh it’s working swimmingly! My pond’s been clean for weeks! And the flowing water! My chi has never been so centered.”

“Glad you like it! Now remember! This system should be self cleaning, but make sure the filter is checked every month-”

“Yes yes, I have the manuals. Don’t worry, if a dog can handle this, then a cat could do so easily.”

“Well, if you got it, alright.” Probably the nicest comment I’ll get out of our nicer neighbor. Didn’t have to be a prick about it but hey guess that’s how cats are!

So what was going on right now? Well during our little dealings with the home invader, I had a little dealing with our neighborhood feline guru and a dirty pond that needed cleaning. Now I’ve helped clean my sister’s turtle tank before, and that was not fun. But this time, I have money! What to do with a dirty pond but don’t want to clean it yourself? Get that cat a filter system, that’s what! It's even got a waterfall, for that sweet ambiance for Zen meditation!

Man, when I give gifts, I certainly give.

Welp, my good deed for the day is done. Time for a break.

Wow, I’ve been getting used to living here in Camden. Relatively. Who’d of thought I’ve only been here under a year by now. That’s like…a long time in dog years. Crap now I’m sad. If over a hundred years is about ten generations of dalmatians, I probably wouldn’t survive after ten years. This dalmatian body probably would kick the bucket before I hit the human middle age. Heck! Dylan’s probably hit adulthood by now!

…

Hm…something about that doesn’t feel right.

I’ve been with the dog for longer than six months, but…he hasn’t really changed much since the day I met the canine. Dolly too. Now that I think about it, everyone was the same adorable little puppy that I remember. Even Dorothy didn’t change much other than being able to say simple words.

What gives?

Sure it would be horrifying to think about, over a hundred full grown dogs stuck in a three story homestead but that should have happened already. How…should I even take this. Should I just push the thought to the side? File it under “another world stuff” and forget about it? I need something to distract myself.

Especially from this minor throbbing in my skull that just came up right now.

“Dipper?”

Nice timing.

“Dylan! Dolly! What’s up? Does the living room need to be cleaned again? Could have sworn I did it this morning. Eh. Family probably fixed that. I’ll go get the vacuum.” I try to head inside but the older pups block my path. “Or…am I…wrong?” What’s this about? 

The two pups give each other a concerned look. That’s…not a good sign. 

“Can we talk?” Dylan asked. Oh that’s definitely not a good sign.

“Did I do something wrong?” I don’t remember doing anything warranting punishment other than on the trip to Cornwall and I was sure I did my time on the grill. I’ve been keeping my head down, honest!

Dolly takes a breath. “...no. We wanted to talk about…something else.” She says, not in her usual cocky attitude. Huh…then wa- “About how you…know things.” Oh.

“You know I get that from hearsay. Some of the pups talk a lot if you let them.” They actually do! And I made sure of it. I’m bad at small talk, but long random conversations about arbitrary topics? I can make it happen. I’ve talked to enough pups to cover my tracks.

“That doesn’t explain how you know our ancestors though.” Dylan declared.

…

Shit.

“Did…mom and dad…never talk about them?” Both pups shook their heads. Double shit. Knew that love story would bite back, just didn’t realize it would have rebound this fast. This hunch went sour.

“Well?” Dylan asked.

I hesitate.

Dolly takes a step forward. “Dipper?”

What do I even say?

A paw touches my shoulder with force. “Dipper, what do you have to say?” Dylan urged.

My body jerks away. “Are you sure you even want to know?!” I snapped.

Probably not that.

The two pups flinch at my outburst.

I backtrack immediately. “S-sorry, I-I-I’m just…” Crap, I’m clamming up!

Dylan’s paw drapes over my back, gently this time. “Dipper. We want to trust you.”

“Yeah, bro.” Dolly comes up to my other side, sharing her brother’s placid demeanor. “This isn’t an interrogation. We won’t force you to do anything you don’t want to do. No matter what, you’ll always be our adoptive brother.”

“But we have to know.” Dylan implored. “You’re part of the family and we know you’d do anything for us as much as we’d do for you, but you’re also keeping something this important behind our backs.”

“I…don’t know…”

“If you don’t tell us, we’ll have no choice but to tell mom.”

Well it’s not like they’re giving me many options.

I sigh. “When everyone is outside, meet me back in the living room. Don’t let anyone else know. When you two come back, I’ll show you there.”

The two pups shared a look before Dylan answered. “Alright. We’ll go let the pups out.”

I nod solemnly as I head inside. So I can set things up.

=+=

The eldest pups make their way inside the house, finding me sitting on the couch staring at the now turned on flat screen.

“Alright Dipper, what was it that you wanted to show us?” Dylan implored.

“Does it have something to do with the TV?” Dolly asked.

I nodded once. “It does.” Guess this is it.

Time to show them how I know.

With the remote in paw, I opened up Disney+ and queued up the movie that started all of this.

Dylan cocked his head. “101 Dalmatians? Is this a human movie?”

“It’s so old!” Dolly commented.

“It is.” I answered. “It originally aired on cinema screens in 1961.”

The film continues as the opening credits scroll. I lower the volume as the sounds of barking fill the room. Can’t have the other pups hear the commotion. Over three minutes into the movie, the narration starts.

“Is that…?” Dylan half-asked.

“Pongo Dalmatian. I imagine.”

The dalmatian on the screen continues his talk of love, the bachelor’s life, and how dull it all was. The scene goes on to show the various female dogs and their humans in all their varied sizes and shapes. The movie finally comes on to the one female dalmatian that the older pups recognized.

“Hey that's-!” Dolly pointed out.

“Perdita Dalmatian.”

And so the first ten minutes of the movie draws out: Pongo changed the time to head on over to the park, him searching for the two young eligible bachelorettes, how he took Roger’s hat, and then tied the two humans up so that they’d fall in the lake before connecting over their own soaking misfortunes.

I pause the film as the church scene closes, gauging the expression of my two audience members. From the perplexed faces, they don't seem to have the right words at the moment, so I decided to use my own. “Up to this point was the love story I told to Dizzy and Dee Dee. Word for word description.”

The Poodlewolf fan was the first to recover. “So…humans made a movie? About our family history?”

“Animated movie. But yes.” 

“So you’ve watched this?”

“Several times. It’s…it’s a good movie.”

Dolly finally comes back from the mental abyss as well. “Do mom and dad know about this flick?”

“Not to my knowledge.” I’m not going to hide my familiarity anymore. They deserve to know that much at least. “You can probably ask.”

“This…this is a lot to take in.” Dylan contemplated. “But it does explain Dizzy and Dee Dee’s story.”

“Wait, if this is how you know about our great great great grandparents,” Dolly rebutted, “how do you know so much about what we’ve been through?! I refuse to believe you heard so much from the other pups.”

…

“Yeah, just…don’t freak out so much. Please.”

With the press of a button, I bring up the first episode of 101 Dalmatian street.

=+=

I stop the episode halfway, enough to show the two pups their little adventure in trying to raise a human pet. They didn’t say anything as they kept staring at the screen with gaping jaws. Takes them a moment to say anything coherent.

Then the flood gates break.

“Is that us?!?”

“I’m on TV?!?”

“Why-?! When-?!?”

“I can’t believe I’m on a TV show!!!”

“This is a human channel! How did humans even get this?!?”

“I’m looking good on a flat screen!”

“Is someone spying on us?! Are they watching us right now?!?!”

“Did I always sound that screechy?”

I’m…getting mixed results. The more responsible pup was reasonably upset, having learned his every move was possibly monitored. It wasn’t but who’s to say. The more rebellious one seemed more excited about the prospects of being on television more than the invasion of privacy.

Probably better than expected.

Dylan turns to me with a haunted look. “All this time! You’ve known about us! As a TV show!”

I sheepishly nodded my head. “It was a very popular show in the UK from what I heard.”

“My date with Portia?!”

Fiddling with the remote, the episode in question displays on screen. “Crushed Out.”

“The prank-?!?”

“The Curse of the Ferrydog.”

“The fur balls-?!?”

“Dotty Dancing.”

“Even Summer…?!?”

“A Summer to Remember.”

My body starts curling subconsciously as my shame grows.

Dolly interrupts. “Wait so this is how you know about the walls! And Diesel’s breakout!”

“The Walls are Alive and The Nose Job, yes!” An exasperated and slightly despondent sigh escapes my muzzle. “I’ve seen all of these episodes back to back.” I can feel myself getting nervous.

Come on man, keep it together! We’ve been through worse, I-I can handle revealing the truth! 

R-right?

The tomboy squints at the episode list. “Hold on a stinking minute…” She yanks the remote from my paws, opening the synopsis to London We Have A Problem. “This one was when Dylan met Hunter!” She turns to me with the stink eye. “You knew him! You knew him before you even met the guy!”

“Y-yes.” I responded meekly. Everything is starting to fall apart. All my effort to hide, all my struggling in vain as it starts to unravel.

“But you acted like you didn’t know him!” She yelled. “Why?! Why did you lie?! Why did you lie about all of this?!? Answer me!”

“BECAUSE I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN!”

The pups are taken back.

I drop to my knees, or at least what was considered knees on my small puppy body. All that hard work to keep hidden down the drain, and now the dam holding all those feelings started pouring out. “Because I knew this would be alarming, or creepy! It’s upsetting! What self respecting person wouldn’t! I would be too if I somehow knew my life was turned into children’s entertainment!” I grip my head, tugging my ears hard with shaking paws. “But I can’t tell t-that to everyone, who’d accept that! ‘ Hi, I remember you from this kid’s show. I’m your biggest fan! ’ No one would believe me-e-e-e! They’d never trust me ever again!” Tears and snot run down my face. This is totally an ugly cry. If I don’t stop myself soon, the fact that I’m not even a dalmatian could get out of my big dumb emotional mouth.

Gazing up from my pathetic display, the two older pups give me a…a troubled look. This…feels just like I’m back in that cage. When everyone was mad at me. When I was alone and no one would help me. 

No one’s helping me. 

Why can’t I get help?!?

Dylan and Dolly take a step in my direction.

“S-stay back!” I scrambled into the corner of the couch. They keep coming.

“D-don’t come any-y c-closer!” The two ignore me, gaining at a steady pace.

The pups were almost upon me. There’s nothing I can do. I curl into a ball, trying my best to dig myself into the crevices of the cushions. 

It’s over. 

It’s all over.

A second passes. Two seconds. Ten. Then, as gently as possible, two paws worm their way around me, pulling me into a soft embrace. Bit by bit, I uncoiled myself, to see what was happening right now. Dolly was hugging me. Not hard like she usually would, but…more like holding a fragile vase. Her cheek was still digging into mine yet it wasn’t as intrusive as before. I look over to her brother to see his reaction, but the pup only gives me a sad smile.

“We’re sorry.” Dolly apologized.

“We…we shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” Dylan added.

“B-but…weren’t you…mad? Or…upset? This…this isn’t something you just…brush off.”

He takes a moment to think.

The dog returns his gaze, patting my head with a paw.

“I mean we were . But it seems you were more distressed about this than we could ever be. Humans made these, and we shouldn’t blame you for them.”

Dolly releases her hold, putting both paws on my shoulders to look me eye to eye. “Remember what we said before?” 

I try to recollect, mind going a mile a minute. My words leak out feebly.

“I’ll always be your adoptive brother?”

She presses her forehead into mine affectionately. “No matter what!”

I start to chuckle, which leads to the two other pups chuckling as well. Dolly’s nuzzling becomes more firm, turning into a headlock as she nougies me fondly.

I was still family.

My laughter dims as I start thinking a bit more clearly. “Should I tell the family?”

Dolly releases my head to give it some thought. “Naah, I think it’d be fine not to tell the other pups. We wanted to know cause you being evasive was bugging us the whole time. They found out, some of the pups would freak .”

“Yeah, we were just curious!” Dylan exclaimed.  “Not sure the other pups could handle the fact that they were watched by thousands of humans. Well…maybe not Triple D though, they do that daily.”

“S~o! How's it feel to be a fan before you were family?” Dolly gives me a playful look.

“Honestly, when I’m not panicking…pretty good.” I blushed. “Not going to lie, you all were quite the handful when I got here. But now, I wouldn’t pass it up for the world.” 

Dylan’s sad smile returns. “Not even for a way home?” That dampened the mood real quick, thanks dude.

I respond with equal melancholy. “At first, I wanted to leave as soon as possible with the least amount of attention on me, this was your home and I was intruding on it. Plan was to blend in as a dalmatian pup while trying to find a way back to my home, and once I left, you guys wouldn’t notice one extra pup had even left.”

The other pup raised an eyebrow. “And now?”

“Well,” I chuckled, “now I was kinda looking for a way I could go home and find a way to come back to see you guys again whenever I could. I’ve…lived long enough with you guys that I can’t seem to imagine living without the family.”

Dolly pulls me into another hug, this time with familiar gusto. “Awwww~! We’d miss you too, you goober!”

We all share a laugh, a picture perfect end of a children’s cartoon. Everyone is happy and enjoying being with each other. It was…nice. Seems like they took the existential news with more tact than I gave them. Granted it was hedged on the fact that it was more tact than I showed when grilled about it. I guess all’s well that ends well for this bit of my weird canine life. Hopefully the rest of the day goes by peacefully.

The doorbell rings.

“Huh, mail’s early. Could have sworn I already got it this morning.” I shake my head in dismissal. “I got it, you two can head back to the backyard.”

“Alright, if you say so. Don’t be a stranger now, well stranger than usual!” Dylan responded.

“Catcha later bro!” Dolly parted.

The two head off as I head off to the front door with a relieved smile. Said smile dims as I see only a single letter having been deposited from the mail slot. I take a peek from the porthole to see where it could have come from, any sign of the postman or whatever.

There was nothing.

Odd enough, but it’s not like I can do anything about it! Now let’s take a look at the parcel. It was definitely different from the normal mail, this envelope was deep navy blue! The material also felt much more expensive than normal flimsy paper, it’s the firm thick kind used in serious business letters people use to keep the letter hidden in the sunlight. Although…there wasn’t any address on the back. It was entirely blank! 

That’s not suspicious at all.

When I turn it over, my smile is completely gone as a familiar blue diamond seal keeps the envelope sealed. 

A certain blue diamond with a spiraling square in its center.

=+=

“Dipper? Sweetie? Is everything alright?” Delilah asked.

That got me out of my trance. I immediately rectify this by hacking up a mouthful of dinner. Some of the other pups scooched a bit away to avoid the chunks. “What makes you say that?” I asked.

She curtly clears her throat. “Well for one, you’ve been eating your kibble without any complaints.”

I look down. An almost empty bowl of dog food greets me in return. Chewing a bit reveals some kernels still in my mouth, having not completely hawked all the food from my throat. 

I swallowed.

“Sorry, mom. Just…have a lot on my mind right now.”

She let go of the subject, continuing to finish her own meal. I gave a glance over to the family to see if anyone else noticed my little slip up. Most don’t even give me a second glance, except for two pups looking quite concerned in my direction. Quickly, I scoop up the rest of my food before slowly making my way over to the siblings.

Dipper tries to say something. “Dipper, wha-”

To which I cut him off. “Dylan? Dolly? Can you two meet me in the attic after dinner? There’s…something very important I wanted to…discuss.” I whispered before leaving for the stairs.

One look back, I see the two give each other a look before they promptly return to their bowls, now eating at a faster pace.

Good, at least they’re listening.

=+=

The two canines come up the ladder.

“Were you guys followed?” I asked. They shake their heads. “Alright, close the door behind you.”

Dylan turns and closes the attic door before returning to me. “Dipper, what’s wrong? Why did you call only us up here?”

“Yeah, were you worried we’d tell mom and dad about the TV show? We told you we’d keep quiet about the whole thing. Pup’s honor!” Dolly reassures.

First time I’ve heard that, but I don’t have time for distractions. 

“No.” I shake my head. “There’s something I wanted…no, there’s something I need to tell you. Something important.”

“Something you can’t tell the rest of the family again?” Dylan asked.

I only nod.

“But I thought you told us your secret?” Dolly said, puzzled at my reveal.

Can’t turn back, not now. “That was my secret, yes, but it’s not the only one. Since I already told you about the tv show, you two are the only ones I can even let know.” The dalmatian pups don’t say anything, only leaning in to listen for more.

I take a deep breath. And let it out.

“My real name is Ken Sou, I used to live in Illinois in the United States of America, and over a half a year ago, I used to be a twenty seven year old adult human man.”

…

…

…

…guys?

Dolly was the first to recover. “What?” Never mind, she’s still processing.

Dylan ACTUALLY recovered, shaking the confusion away. “Hold on, that’s a lot to take in. You used to be…human?” I nodded. “But you’re a dalmatian pup now, how is that possible?!”

“I don’t know.”

“Your name’s still kinda boring…” Dolly trailed. “Wait, no! If you lived in the States, how’d you even get across the ocean?”

“I don’t know!”

“Hold it, this doesn’t make sense.” Dylan reasoned. “Humans don’t just turn into dalmatian puppies. That’s something straight out of science fiction! How do you even know you used to be human?”

“LOOK!” I harshly whispered.

The actual dogs stop their insistent questions. With their attention on me, I take a moment to collect myself and answer.

“Like I said before, I don’t know how I got here that morning. One moment I’m sleeping in my bed, the next I’m here in an unfamiliar canine body. Same story, just…now you know it wasn’t a doggy bed.”

The pups were silent after that.

The silence was broken when Dylan spoke up quietly. “Why are you telling us this?”

I sigh while pulling out the opened blue envelope from before. “After the show, this came in the mail today.” Flipping over the parcel reveals the diamond symbol. “I don’t know much about how I got here. What I DO know is that whoever sent this letter is responsible.”

Dylan squints at the sticker. “Huh, it’s got your collar tag on it. Didn’t you say it was from some kind of human company? What was it, the…Dais company?”

“The Dialis Company, yes.” I rectified the pup while gripping said jangling metal bit. “Turns out this little symbol round my neck wasn’t just nifty looking bling.” Hold the fuck a moment. “Why are you guys not as surprised about all this like when I showed you your cartoon?”

The two dalmatians synchronized tilted their heads to the side. Dylan mulls over it. “I mean I’m mostly out of surprise by this point. If I’m going to be honest with you, and I know you’ve heard this a few times before, but you sort of don’t act like a dalmatian pup.” He says carefully.

“Yeah, dude!” Dolly affirmed. “You keep saying things that I’ve heard humans say sometimes. Like, what the heck is god anyways? Is it because it’s dog backwards?”

“I…guess that makes sense.” Riiiiiight! Why would canines care about god anyways, they always swore to dog.

“And there was also that one time you sw-” 

I quickly shove my paw over her mouth. “Ok that’s enough. I get it. I’m weird. I just never realized how obvious it was.” Dylan didn’t need to know I had a bit of a potty mouth. Judging by the corners of Dolly’s mouth rising, she totally knew he didn’t need to know as well.

If I ever get back, that tiny little fact’s gonna bite me back in the bum.

“So what’s this letter got to do with you and this…Dialis company?” Dylan asked as he eyed the parcel.

“When I was researching what the company is and what they do, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out where their headquarters was located. Their website said it’s here in London but didn’t have an address anywhere I could find.” I pulled out the contents. “This changes that.”

Dylan and Dolly take a look at the pamphlet held in front of them. “...Showcase tour?” Dolly skimmed.

“ Congratulations! You have been invited to take a visit to the grand epicenter of innovation. ” Dylan reads on. “ You and up to two guests will have the opportunity to see our latest upcoming projects here at Dialis Co.’s HQ. ” He turns back to me. “Dipper, what does this even mean? Wait, should I be calling you…Ken now?”

I dismiss the notion. “No, just call me Dipper. Please. I’ve been so used to that nickname now that it doesn’t feel right to call me anything else. Besides, I think the rest of the family would be confused if you referred to me with my human one.”

“So what’s the big deal?” Dolly asked. “Sounds like a trip for nerds, I bet you and Dawkins would love it, huh bro?” She ribbed at her brother who only returns a mildly dirty look.

“Because,” I flipped the pamphlet, “there’s a map on the back leading straight to their head office right here in London.” I pointed a paw for emphasis. My brow furrows as I try to keep going, the throbbing coming back from earlier, twice as annoying this time. Brain? What’s going on today?

The two look upon the paper again. Only this time more puzzled than before.

“...You sure dude? It kinda looks…sketchy.” Dolly observed.

Dylan takes the pamphlet for a closer look “I mean, this looks like a map of London. But there’s too much missing! How’d you tell where it leads?“ He turns it around and upside down as if that would get a better understanding.

I yoink the offending paper out of his paws with an irritated huff, setting it flat on the wooden floor. Unbuckling my collar, I set the tag onto the speckled map to line up the silver diamond with the topical outline. 

With metal lines filling in the blanks, the map was complete.

“Ooooooooooooh.” The two grasped at the same time.

“Took a while to figure that one out.” I admitted. “Looks like whoever sent this was banking on the fact that I would have the key. Who knew it would be right under my chin.” A dry chuckle escapes my throat. A paw shot to my temple as a headache starts to form.

“Dipper-?!” Dylan calls out in alarm, having noticed my discomfort.

I only brush it off. “Don’t worry about me, there’s more important things to worry about right now.” I say as the discomfort already subsided.

“Wait,” Dolly interrupted, “you still haven’t told us why this is important.”

I paused. 

No

it’s…it’s better if I tell them. I’ve hidden for long enough.

“Because somehow, I know in my gut that this company is the one responsible for doing the impossible and turning me into a canine. For putting me in your house without anyone noticing, not even me.” I chew my lip. “I have to go, if on principle alone, to find some answer as to why I…this!” I motion to my dalmatian body. “Happened.”

Dylan looks at me sternly. “You almost sound like you’re not coming back.”

I let out a bitter snort. “Not going to lie, the Dialis company has…a lot of power. They seem to be everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. With what they could do, who knows what’s waiting for me. Definitely nothing normal, I mean, what human invites dalmatian pups to a big event?” 

Dylan raises a paw. 

“Besides Hunter.” 

Dylan lowers a paw.

“Don’t…try to convince me not to go. This is too important to pass up.” Fatigue passes my teeth in the form of stale breath. “But I…don’t know what’s going to happen when I do.”

Dylan tries to impede. “Wait, Dipper hold on-”

Only for me to power through. Let me finish, good sir. “SO! On the off chance I do not make it back…I wanted to let you guys know you’ve been, and always will be, the best surrogate family a human turned dog child could ever ask for.” I go over to the two to give them what could possibly be the last hug I give to one of my favorite 101 dalmatian puppies.

Only for Dolly to smack my paw away.

…W-why-

“No.” She says resolutely. “This isn’t goodbye! Not if I have anything to bark about it! I’m coming with you!” 

That took me by surprise.

“Dolly, I won’t risk having any one of you involved. This is my problem and my problem alone. I…I can’t put you through that.” I try to argue. My mind calls back to the many times the family had been in trouble, several times caused by my own actions. “At least not again.”

From the vigorous shaking of her head, I’ll say my efforts were ignored. “If this is so important to you, then it’s important to me! You think you can just come into our lives, make us care about you, then leave?!” She grabs me by the collar. “Buddy, you’ve got another thing coming! What was it that you said? Oh right! Don’t try to convince me not to go!”

With my paws raised to concede, I can only stare compliantly into her burning steadfast glare. What could I say to that? Only with gratitude. “...thank you. Dolly.”

“Yeah well don’t you forget it!” She says firmly, releasing me from her grasp. With the same paw, she brings down her arm over my shoulder. “You’re one of us, dude! Pups stick together! Now it’s our turn to help you with your problems.” Dolly aggressively nuzzles me.

“He ha! Ok ok I’m good I’m good! that’s enough. Just because I’ve gotten used to your puppy hugs but they’re still kinda painful.” I reluctantly pry myself out of her embrace. “I…appreciate it, really. Wasn’t exactly looking forward to going alone to some mysterious human office building and all.”

“Don’t sweat it!” She pulls Dylan into a sideways hug. “We’ve got your back, right Dylan!”

The other dalmatian doesn’t answer. “Dylan? You there, bro?” Dolly asked.

The pup slowly takes his sister’s arm off of his back.

“Sorry Dipper. I might have to sit this one out.” He says firmly.

Dolly seemed stunned. 

“What?! Dude, what’s wrong with you?! Dipper needs our help for once and you’re just going to bail out on him?!” She scorned.

“Dolly, be reasonable!” He sighs. “It’s just…it’s just a lot to take in right now. We already got one bombshell dropped on us, but this?...I need time to process this.”

The disgruntled pup growled at her brother, until I got in between the two.

“Hold on Dolly! Don’t be too mad with him.” I quelled. “ Someone has to take care of the pups after all.”

Dylan rubbed his head timidly. “...Yeah. Plus the last time I went to a human building, it didn’t turn out so well.” Dolly’s angry expression falls to a more solemn one at the last statement. “But I’m sure you already knew that, huh Dipper.”

I can only nod, understanding what he meant. 

“Look. Dolly? Dipper? You guys can go, I don’t think I could stop you if I tried. But I’m going to stay back home. Just…try to be safe out there.”

Walking up to the pup, I look him straight in the eyes. 

“I promise I will do everything in my power to keep the two of us as safe as possible.” I say with as much confidence I could muster, not faltering for even a moment. I meant every word I said.

Dylan somberly smirks. “Thanks Dipper.” He gently pulls me into a hug. This time I hug back, with more pressure in my hold.

I’m going to miss them so much when I go.

“Alright that’s enough sentiment.” My snout sniffled. “The pamphlet says the tech tour’s going to be in three days. I’ll make some preparations for the trip.” I say while making my way to the floor hatch. I paws as I have a paw near the latch, pondering a thought. “Dolly, try to think of something to tell mom and dad to let us go, ‘kay?”

“You got it!”

I nod back as I turn downstairs.

Only to get wooden door to the face.

“TECH TOUR-?!” Entered Dawkins.

 “Dipper!” Dylan and Dolly call out in alarm.

The third pup, realizing his mistake, was at my side immediately. “Oh kibbles! I’m so sorry Dipper, are you alright?!”

Looks like we got an eavesdropper. And I got a shiner. 

Ow my jaw.

“I’m fine, Dawkins. I don’t think anything’s broken.” I say through the paw nursing my chin. Testing my lower jaw turned out I could move it fine, just really really sore. “...why were you right behind the attic door? And how much did you hear?”

Dawkins shrinks bashfully. “Oh well, the rest of the pups have been ready to head out for an outdoor excursion for a while now, I was coming up to let you three know to come as soon as possible. I…might have heard the last part about some form of…tech tour? In three days or so?”

Hoboyo. I know that look. “You want to come along, don’t you?”

He sheepishly nods.

Of course he does.

“This isn’t a leisurely trip, I’m going here to figure out how to get home.” I say while patting the makeshift map. “Dolly is coming to help me find whatever it is that could get me home. I was planning to go alone, but she insisted. Dawkins, it’s already risky with two pups, I can’t guarantee it won’t be trouble with three.” I try to persuade the pup softly.

Which…oddly doesn’t convince the normally logical canine. 

“No!” He exclaims. “Dolly’s trying to get out of her responsibilities again!”

I frowned. “Dawkins that’s not fa-” 

“A once in a lifetime event occurs and the one dog going with you doesn’t even have an INKLING of interest on the subject matter!”

“Ok, that’s not the poi-!”

“Well if she’s going, then I’m going too!” His triad ends with his resolutionary bid to join us on this escapade.

“Gu~ys!? Help?!” I hissed at the other pups, who have been trying to stifle their snickering this entire time although doing a poor job at it. Don’t laugh, I need you to tell him it’s not safe!

“I don’t know, Dipper, he sounds serious.” Said the normally more responsible pup. You’re not helping, Dylan, stop encouraging him!

“In fact, I’m calling in my favor!” Good, great! Now we’re doing this!

“Oh well now you have to take him along, dude!” Yoooooooooou! Dolly! Shoosh!

“I am overwhelmed and democratically heckled and that is not fair FINE! You can come, happy?”

Dawkins squees. Guess he is now .

“Thank you, Dipper! I promise Princess Positron and I will be on our best behavior!” The pup immediately rushes down the steps.

The three remaining puppies left in the attic take a moment to register what had just happened.

I give the other two a look. “The heck was that?!”

They give each other a knowing look. And smirk.

Dylan keeps said smirk as he makes his way past me. “You worry too much, Dipper.” Excuse you?! “No need to trouble yourself! I’ll do my best to take care of the pups on my own, I’ll get Dawkins to show me how to keep the house running without him!” You’re mocking me, I don’t know in what way but I’m being mocked.

“Yeah bro!” Dolly joins in. “No need to gnaw your tail off about it, we got your back the whole way!”

“Besides, you sound like you could use the company.” Dylan ended, patting my head as he and his sister went downstairs. 

And then they were gone.

…

They…

They don’t…

They don’t get it.

They’re not taking this seriously. I don’t know what’s going to happen if we go. Even with the basement past the basement and the thief, even while I was winging it, I had some kind of idea of what to do. Sure some of them were from movies and others didn’t even work, but it still got me through the complicated situation I found myself in.

Now? 

Nothing. 

No plan, no ref, no way forward. 

I am running truly blind into the heart of the den of dragons. This puppy will be at the mercy of whatever beast within. And with Dolly and Dawkins, they will too. Can only hope it’s not a literal one.

Nothing I can do about it now. In three days time, one pup with two others will be heading to the city to mind his destiny. For answers. Or his doom.

Good god, never thought I’d see the day Dante might be right.

Guess I better prepare.

=+=

There was a black limo parked outside.

Seems like Dialis was one step ahead and had sent transport for their tour “guests”. Expensive looking transportation if the shorter, private escort was any case. Dolly was enthralled with how posh the car ride was, not as posh as that time she had taken Triple D’s place that one time but this was a close second. Although I think that’s because this was the second time she’s been in a limo. Dawkins was more excited about the ride being unmanned, judging by the fact that there was no driver’s seat . 

Alarming to say the least.

Me? How was I taking this? Well…

“Uuuuuuh, you sure you’re not a bit…overdressed?” Dolly asked.

The pasta strainer helmet swivels over my head as I turn to her. 

Dylan had let me borrow his spare headgear the day before. I was worried that he might not get it back should something…unfortunate happen to it. He reassured me he could always get another one. Which actually doesn’t make me feel better about it. Or that this might be the last thing I’ll have to remember the nerdy pup by.

I turned the helm back on properly. “I’m sure.”

Along with my headgear I got with me my phone, my safety vest, and the dog hook. Obviously. Everything important thing I own in this world from my last one and then some, on my person. At least, the stuff I could carry. On the off chance that this was a trap, I needed to be agile enough to get these two out as fast as caninely possible. If it was a way home…well, at least I wouldn't have a lot to hold me back.

“This is just truly fascinating ! A fully A.I. automated vehicle!” Dawkins gaped in awe as he explored every corner of the limo he could get his dalmatian paw into. “I know several tech companies were developing something in a similar fashion but none have gotten even close to a viable commercial product! If they’ve released this for private use, imagine the incredible technological advances we’ll get to see today!” The pup squeezed his Princess Positron plush with nerdgasmic glee. Yeah, he brought the doll with him, probably should have expected that.

“Well at least one of us is having a good time.” I said as Dolly chuckled at her brother’s amazement. “Careful Dawkins, this is a moving vehicle. If we stop now, you could go flying.”

“On the contrary, my fellow dalmatian! When we were boarding the limo, I observed that the undercarriage was a different model. I believe that there’s a gyroscopic counter positioning system separating the inner cabin with the outer suspension keeping us at horizontal equilibrium!”

…

“Whaaaa…” Dolly asked.

I lean towards the confused pup. “There’s a thingy on the car to keep us balanced.”

She rolled her eyes. “Well sorry for not knowing, I don’t really speak geek .”

“Honestly I’m surprised I understood most of that.” I jested. “I might be hanging out with Dawkins for too long.”

We share a chuckle, much to the expense of our second local nerd.

Said nerd tries to lament. “Well fo-”

There was a ding. 

The car jolts to a stop, every pup in the limo back on all fours to keep balance. Dawkins had it the worst, having been tossed into the seat cushion to our left. Dog was mid lecture so he had his paw in that weird pointing hand position someone who’s condescending explaining does. What did I tell you, dude?

A light shines green on the car door to our right, automatically opening to reveal our destination on a street curb.

“Come on,” I pulled the dalmatian from his leather confinements before walking to the exit, “there’ll be even more fascinating technobabble on the tour. I think.” My paws pause on the edge of the car, vision full of concrete. Ignoring the pun in my head for a more serious thought. Am I…really ready for this?

A pat on my back takes me out of my daze. Dolly was right behind me. “Hey, chin up dude. We got your back.” She smirks.

It actually puts a smile on my face. I take a deep breath. Point of no return.

“I guess you do.”

=+=

“Woooooooooow. This place is huge! What do humans need with all this space for anyways?” Dolly observed as we made our way into the lobby. Towering marble columns, easily two stories, climbed up to a brightly lit ceiling lining a checkered tile hallway floor leading to the reception desk.

“Dolly, you’ve seen larger places than this. We’ve literally been somewhere over twice this big.” I reposted.

“And magically, my question still stands .” She shot back.

“...Ok so this time’s probably an ego thing. Big businesses make big money so they pay for a big entrance.” I see that smirk, smartass! I know that inquiry has credible curiosity behind the question but you don’t have to be so smug about it.

“Kibbles! Hurry up, you two! We’re going to be late for the tour!” Dawkins called back to us, clearly more excited than the two of us combined.

“Yeah yeah, hold onto your…collar would you.” I called back. “Wow, that felt awkward to say.” 

Dolly snickers. “Something still on your mind, bro?”

“Something’s always on my mind.” I said hastily. “Say, didn’t you go to another human building before?” Let’s try to change the subject.

Dolly absentmindedly answers “More like tossed out, some bald guy in a suit didn’t let me in waaaaaiiiit-”

“Oh look we’re here! I’m sure we’ll talk about this again never.” My words cutting her off as we join our more delighted brother at the large polished stone desk with a large widescreen hanging overhead, turned off at the moment. A small “tours start here” sign sat at the corner for any newcomer to see.

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy!” Dawkins danced in place in anticipation, blue plushie at his tapdancing paws.

The three of us started waiting, well it was more me and Dolly were waiting. Our dorky brother just kept pitter pattering for the tour to start. It takes about a whole minute before someone says something.

“The tour’s supposed to start here right?” Dolly asked, taking the time to idly study our surroundings. “So where’s the tour guide?”

Dawkins finally stops foxtrotting to notice. “Now that you mention it, I don’t believe I’ve seen any sign of human habitation since we entered.”

“Well the brochure said it starts around this time. I don’t know, it’s a Saturday so it’s not a work day. Maybe there’s less people on the weekend.” Now it’s my turn to take a look around.

It was suspiciously quiet when we entered. Sure I haven’t been to an office building too often, when I had it was when my mom was working and the last time was during her retirement party. Sure they feel cold due to the high output air conditioning but this was more or less a ghost town. Heck, normally such lobbies had some kind of furniture, a random bench, maybe a potted plant in the corner. Here? It’s just empty. Checking behind the counter, there was no one there, not even a chair. When I grappled myself onto the top of the counter, there was only the tour sign, no out-to-lunch notice or really anything else. No computer, no phone to call the upper floors, just a smooth open surface.

It was almost like there wasn’t a single human being in this building at all.

The widescreen turns on suddenly, blaring with an unfamiliar company jingle. Which was unfortunate as it was right up in my face.

Tipping over, I tumbled over the edge of the counter, my companions scrambled to catch their falling sibling below. Lucky for me, I’ve learned long enough to recover from falling at any height, grapple hook training is awesome! Which meant I backflipped, clamped the edge of the counter, and proceeded to take a face full of polished marble on arrival. Dolly giggled while Dawkins sighed in relief as I rubbed my now sore muzzle.

Hijinks resolved for now, all three of us back up from the desk to have a proper view of the TV. After the logo fades away, an animated face appears. Looks like this is some kind of tour promo video.

“Oooooh, it’s star~ting.” Dawkins squealed in anticipation.

“Quiet! I’m trying to listen!” I shushed. “This might be important!”

“ Greetings! Welcome to the Dialis company central building tour. Our staff is delighted to be able to show off our latest advances in modern science. My name is Amio and I will be your virtual A.I. tour guide. Now before we begin- ”

Video cuts mid speech as the widescreen shuts off. The main lobby’s ceiling lights follow soon after with a loud chunk. The only natural light coming in was from the small glass automatic doors from the far end of the hallway room, leaving us in near complete darkness. A minute passes, probably because we all had to register what just happened, before someone speaks.

“...there…is no tour, is there.” Dawkins asked.

=+=

“What are we still doing here?!” Dolly whispered harshly behind me. “We should be finding an exit right now!”

“Not until I find some clue about how I got here.” I argued back.

Three puppies making their way down probably one of the countless spooky office hallways in this more or less abandoned building, one human turned pup followed by Dolly then Dawkins taking the rear. I say abandoned cause we haven’t seen hide nor hair of any human since we’ve attempted to make our way through the interior but maybe that was a sign of upkeep. Maintenance must be very serious about their jobs.

So why WEREN’T we looking for a way out currently? Oh we were…somewhat. Other than my insistence to follow a trail, we did try the way we came. Seems whatever shut the power to the main lobby also locked down the reinforced automatic doors. We found out they were reinforced when over ten pounds of swinging grapple hook and puppy weight didn’t even scratch the surface. Serious fire hazard. And cranial injury risk…oooowwww.

Ignoring my possible concussion, everyone else tried to find an alternative escape path. That was until I almost didn’t notice a subtle line of arrows neatly printed on the floor. Why were these important? Because they were recently tagged on, like TODAY fresh. Paint wasn’t even dry. No one in the building, a day with no humans, this was definitely made for me, the sole invitee to a tour that probably did not exist. Sketchy as fuck, but it’s my only lead.

“Can we PLEASE hurry! This place is giving me the chills!” Dawkins shivered. Looks like the pup lost all interest and enthusiasm when he realized there wouldn’t be some shiny new tech on display.

The trail had taken us up several floors with at least two elevators between them and it DID take us an hour to get here, but our slow pace wasn’t just from my reluctance to leave the premises.

“Well sorry I can’t go faster, I’m working on three legs here and I’m kinda not used to it!” Just because I’ve learned to walk on all fours for almost a year, doesn’t mean I’m good at it, not to mention the fact I’m going on three while holding five pound up the whole time. 

I’d like to see YOU do better.

“Why would that be a problem?” Dolly asked. I give her a nasty look through the darkness. “...Right. Well could you not shine that headlight right in my face?”

I immediately turned away. “My bad.”

“You think all these flashlights are a tad excessive?” She asked. Combining the helmet, my vest holding almost all my camp torches, and the fact I had another strapped on onto the dog hook, I look like I’m ready for a trash rave.

“You’re free to hold one if you want.” I offered one of my vest lights to the tomboy.

She looks to the torch, then to me, then to the torch.

“Eeeh you hang on to it.”

I clip the lamp back onto my vest. “That’s what I thought.”

“Just a moment, Dipper. What do you mean we’re looking for a clue about how you got here?” Dawkins asked abruptly. “What’s this trip really about?!”

“Well as much as I’d like to explain a second time, I think we’re…here…” I trailed off, having stopped at…something.

So during our journey through the Dialis company building, we’ve discovered that this wasn’t just any old office, I assumed as much but now it’s been solidly confirmed. The higher we went, the more the floors became more science fiction than business. Hallways went from business gray to laboratory white to…straight up space station. Like it was the shit you see in video games. I swear if I saw a window and it was the moon outside, I would not be surprised.

So what did we stop at? 

A hallway of course. But not just any hallway, an extremely dark hallway. What makes this different from every single hallway we’ve been through? Well up to this point, the corners were all lined with luminescent bulbs, like down in the Dream Tank. Imagine walking in a movie theater but an office building instead.

This one did not have those.

Even the various beams of light from my flashlights couldn’t penetrate through the entire length. It was long. Really stupid long.

And the trail led straight into the void.

“Do we really have to go down there?” Dawkins quivered, holding onto his Positron plush for protection.

I gulped. 

…

Welp. No rest for this pup. I take several steps forward.

And immediately regret it.

Two hidden automatic doors like the ones at the front clamped down upon me at breakneck speeds, stopping only due to Dylan’s pasta strainer hat. I quickly took the hint to get the fuck through before they proceeded to break MY neck. Shame we couldn’t take a breather as the makeshift helmet starts creaking from the strain, the doors applying more pressure to complete their objective of obstructing access. I shared one troubled glance with Dolly on the other side before I acted. In one swift motion, I unbuckled the dog hook from my paw and slid it between the doors to the other dalmatian pup right before the protective hat crumpled with an awful crunch, almost taking said paw with it.

After that hot minute was over, only the sound of canine breathing could be heard as we all slowed our heartbeats for a moment. I assumed at least, the closed door made it hard to hear the other side. I, for one, slump to the ground, having been the one closest to death in this situation.

Dolly and Dawkins were against the glass immediately.

“Dipper! Are you alright?!” Dolly banged on the door with no results, looks like it’s the same material as the front. “We’ll get you out!”

“Ju-just stay calm! We’ll figure out some way to get through the door!” Dawkins tries to reassure me, despite not sounding sure himself.

Dolly pushes off from the glass to grab the dog hook. At first she tries to shoot the glass directly, which does absolutely nothing except bounce off and smack the pup over the head. The tomboy tries again this time grappling onto the ceiling, swinging full force into the doors with the same results as I had back at the entrance. While this was happening, Dawkins was trying his best to dig a way under the doorway but making little progress. 

But…

This has given me a silver lining. The pups could easily find a way out of this maze of a building. Only reason they haven’t yet was my insistence on finding my quarry. Now…well…now they can go on ahead. Possibly without me.

I’m…really tired.

“Guys.” They’re too occupied. “Guys!” Still going at it. “GUYS!” That one got their attention. “You two need to get out of here. I noticed there’s a fire escape back two hallways ago on the left hand side and unlike the entrance, it should be open. With the dog hook, you should be able to at least get out of the building.”

“Dipper, we’ve already said we’re not leaving you behind!” Dolly said resolutely.

“And if I’m careful, you won’t have to! I can find my own way out. Probably could use the air ducts to climb through if the A/C is set up right.”

She gave me a sterner glare. “How are you going to get up there? You tossed the dog hook over to this side.”

“Look! I’ll think of something! I just…I have to know. If…I can get home.” I place a paw against the door. “Dolly, you are the bravest pup that I know. You can get through anything you put your mind to. Even if you don’t want to otherwise.”

“Don’t you dare!” She threatened uselessly.

“Dawkins. I have literally never seen a more intelligent dog in my entire life. You will do great things, amazing things. Maybe even make a functional rocket elevator for the house.”

“Dipper, don’t speak like that. We can make it together!” He says, drops forming off the corners of his eyes.

“You two stay safe. Hopefully we can see each other again. And if we don’t…well…this has been one of the best years of my life. Take care…” I turn around to head deeper.

“Dipper!” I hear Dolly call out.

But I ignore her.

For there is something I must find.

=+=

It was eerily quiet.

I know, I was alone. Of course it was quiet. And I did just leave my surrogate family behind so I’d obviously feel sad and now vulnerable by the lack of company. 

But the silence. The silence was oddly deafening . 

If you’ve ever seen some horror games, I don’t really play those due to my nerves of cooked noodles but I have watched playthroughs, you might notice the moments without ambient music. Often enough, these moments usually meant you were safe from danger. Luigi’s Mansion. Resident Evil. No music, no danger. A transition between the terror.

Mostly.

Yeah some use it to work up to a jump scare, but those are cheap and those games are less known for it. Hopefully real life would be a little different than a cheesy indie horror title. I hope.

This time? Nothing really happened. Nothing eventful at least. It was just more corridors of non detailed white walls, that’s what my flashlight shows me anyway. And with all this nothing happening right now can only leave a walking pup to his thoughts. I wish it didn’t though.

Dolly and Dawkins. I know I shouldn’t have left them like that. They were my family. Not by blood but still, family. And I probably did the equivalent of dumping them off at the pound. They didn’t deserve that. But…

If I find a way back. If I find a way to be human again. Would I still be family? Humans still can’t understand dogs, exceptions excluded. I…wouldn’t be able to talk to them like before. They’d just be…dogs. Smart dogs but just animals. Would they still include me as part of the family? They released Mr. Fuzzy into the wild, sort of. He went back to his own life. Would…would they do the same with me? Can I even go back to my old life?

God, my old life.

I’ve been gone for almost a year! No family contact. No updates. Not even a note! There’d be so much I haven’t kept up with. Taxes, healthcare, my Norton antivirus subscription! Sure it’s annual, but I passed a winter, it’s probably over due. And if I do go back, would anyone believe me? Hey! I just came back from being a dalmatian pup and have been living in Europe for almost a year! Mental hospital? But I’m feeling fine! Do I even have proof?

Pulling out my phone, my last line to my old self, I open up to my photos. I was never photogenic, nor was I one to take a pic often. Becoming a dalmatian had changed that. When Triple D had realized I had my own phone, they wanted a personal phone as well. When they were told they couldn’t have one, they made me be their camera. So now I have several albums worth of the Dalmatian family. 

Triple D’s fashion shoots. Da Vinci’s mural commissions with Da Vinci posing shyly. Latest inventions with Dawkins and his trusty assistant, me. Debbie-May’s cakes. Debbie-Lou’s latest productions. Debbie-Lee’s bedazzled creations. Summer Vacation. The day they officially took me in and recognized me…as…Dipper Dalmatian.

…

*sniff*

…

No! This is a distraction. I WILL find a way home. And then!...and then!...

Then what.

Would I just go back to my old life? And if I did, would I be able to go back? If I couldn’t, would I take the option? Either way, I lose a part of my life. A part of me. A young, adolescent, adorable, canine side of me that I still have trouble seeing as a part of me but a part of me nonetheless. I just-!…I just…

I just have to keep going. I’m close. I know it.

Finally the corridor opened up to a rather large room, filled with…odd machinery. I know there’s a computer in this mess somewhere, there’s a monitor on a desk. I just don’t remember there being so many metal wires attached to it and other esoteric tech. Best to not touch it.

Small lights turn on in the darkness.

There was a whirl of a motorized fan.

A series of beeps echo with increasing consistency as something booted up.

I immediately turn off my light and attempt to hide behind a rolling dresser. The fuck is happening right now?! I didn’t touch anything! Honest! Ok, don’t panic. I just need an exit strategy. Uh uh there! Up on that countertop! An air duct up near the shelves! 

All the way near the ceiling.

Right in the upper corner at the opposite side of the room.

…

Dolly was right, I should have kept the dog hook.

Alright! I give my cheeks a slap. No time for hindsight. I need to find my way up there.

I check out the dresser I’m hiding behind. It’s small, it’s on wheels, I could use the drawers as stairs. Maybe if I’m careful I could just sneakily push the thing up to the other wall, hide behind the science equipment, snatch a screwdriver from the drawer I just opened, and bust my way into the air ducts! Then just find a way out through a maze of skyscraper infrastructure and leave with Dolly and Dawkins and go home to the safety of Dalmatian Street, yeah that’s a plan!

“Greetings. Ken Sou.”

Oh balls.

=+=

“We have to go back!” Dawkins asserted, although panic laced in his determination.

The two pups had made it to the fire escape and were currently waiting at the front of the building, trying to think up a game plan. There wasn’t an alarm when the door was opened so no dog dad to bail their third pup out. Dawkins was currently attempting to dig a trench through the concrete with the amount of pacing he was making. Dolly, on the other paw, was oddly calmer than her younger, usually more logical brother. A first time for the pup.

“I know that.” She answered back.

“Who knows what nefarious machinations could be in there!”

“I know that!”

“Dolly, how can we just wait here when Dipper could be in terrible danger-”

The tomboy grabs Dawkins by the collar. “I KNOW THAT!” She yells.

That was when the pup noticed the moisture in his sister’s eyes.

“Dolly?”

“I know we should go back! I know that Dipper’s in danger!” She releases the younger pup. “Dog knows I want to bust right in there and drag him home by his tail for putting us through this!. But we can’t ! In the split moment of that door closing, he chose to move ahead! And he gave me this,” Dolly holds up the Dog hook attached to her paw, “so that the two of us could get out alive!  Something’s in there and it doesn’t want us, only Dipper. But did he have to go in by himself?! If he wants to go alone, fine! He can go for all I care!”

“So we’re just going to-”

“Wait for him to get back! But the moment he comes out, I’m giving him a piece of my mind!”

The two pups sit at the curb, one fuming from her rant.

“You think he will come back?” Dawkins asked.

“He better !” Dolly seethed.

More silence.

…

“You think Dipper will be alright?”

She scoffs. “Pfff, this is Dipper we’re talking about. Dude’s tougher than he looks. Bet he’s already found whatever he’s looking for and is making his way out with a screwdriver or something.”

=+=

“BACK! BACK I SAY!” I warn while swinging a screwdriver wildly around. “You try to take me down, I’ll make it very expensive for you! Don’t test me!” This goes on for all of several seconds until I realize I was still standing and whatever called my name had done nothing. I opened my tightly shut eyes.

Only the sounds of computers humming could be heard over my violent yet ineffectual tantrum.

Well. Guess who feels like an absolute loon right now.

Your first two don’t count.

I try to take a look around the now semi lit room. It was…honestly the same as before only now with more lights. Less spooky, but more or less not an improvement to my current situation. Good time to fix that.

Now who, or what, just called my name? Place was still void of life except for me. Was it automated? Was…it expecting me? I’ve sort of pieced together that someone was leading me by the nose and like a dingus, I’ve been eating the bait like Roomba with spilled cereal. But I’ve also clued in on a very distinct fact that is keeping me partially sane. Well saner now that I wasn’t swinging a hardware tool rashly anymore.

Whoever this is has been in total control of the current events transpiring. If they wanted me caught, they could have easily done so at any time since the moment I entered that automated vehicle. And yet here I am in the heart of probably a top secret facility free to do whatever I can. If I wanted to do millions of dollarydoos in property damage, there wouldn’t be any staff here to stop me. They want to show me something, but what?

Maybe I can find out from that monitor that lit up just now.

Moving the cabinet was much more difficult when you were only five pounds, it slipped my mind how much extra weight the Dog hook had helped me before. I’m getting second thoughts about tossing it over to Dolly from before. No use complaining about this crap now, I’ve got investimagations to do!

After climbing the shelves like a set of steps, it was a hop over and I’m at the PC. Alright! Let’s see what we got!

“Enter password.”

Fuck!

No shit they’d have password protection, this is a company environment! Shame it couldn’t have been convenient for me and some scientists couldn’t leave their login for me to find. Heck, it looks like some schmuck was going to log in, what with their…name…in…

| Ken Sou |

…

Huh?

Fuck’s my name doing in the login? Did I make an account? Wait, if I have an account in this building, does that mean I’m an employee here? When did this happen?!? What-?!

“Gah!”

We appreciate your application to join our operation. Said application will be processed immediately. You will be compensated greatly for your time.

Head pain. 

Nope, I stand corrected. The very first email I had received upon arriving in Camden came back to haunt me like a broke inlaw. Was…this what it meant? Still doesn’t help me right now. If I did make some kind of company account back then, I don’t know the password now. What should I do?...Maybe I can find a clue around here. Surely I wasn’t stupid enough to not write the password somewhere? Or at least if I was, wouldn’t the company know?

…thought.

I remove my collar to give it a once over, looking for something I’ve missed after all these months. I’m rewarded by a small flap I didn’t notice before that blends into the material. Underneath was a string of random letters and numbers, an exact fit for the password digit count. Typed into the login and-

*Ding*

I’m in.

…

Did not think I’d say that in my lifetime. Or rather, dog lifetime.

…

Whatever, let’s get digging.

God. I’m missing even Diesel now. I need to work faster.

[Greetings!]

“HOLY-!”

The moment I’m logged in, another electronic face appears with a high pitch female voice. Right in front of my face. Almost fell off the counter had my paws not caught the ridge. 

[Congratulations on your brand new employment at Dialis Technologies, Mr. Sou!]

“What?” Disgruntled, I pull myself back up to the disgustingly cheerful AI.

[It is your first time on recorded use of your company personal account! Which is odd as the employee database has 72 hours worth sick leaves along with 240 recorded work days documented under your work file. Good for you!]

The screen gets filled with pixelated confetti as party horns play in the background.

Takes a second to digest the combination of perky personality and corporate talk. Sounds like this one can respond vocally. “...I…uh…is that a problem?”

[Only for the suits! I am merely programmed to help!]

“...Great. So who are you and what is all this?”

[Ah! My apologies! I have forgotten to introduce myself! My name is Amio! I will be your personal network assistant for all your on site operational inquiries.]

She kind of sounds familiar.

“Wait, are you the same Amio from down at the front desk?”

[Ha! No! That is Amio serial code 32A-5T32. She is serious , she is in charge of aiding reception and guiding the private tours. I am Amio serial code 94E-8R14. I was made specifically to help Dialis employees with their work!]

Neato. I got myself a personal assistant.

Wonder if Dylan or Dawkins misses Fetch?

“Ok so you’re here for technical support, right? With my…job?”

[Yepperooni!]

Good lord, this is my help. 

Work with it. “Alright. Um…first thing, what was I hired for? Again? I…sorta forgot.”

Wow, I don’t sound suspicious at all . Company bot is gonna report this, then I’m never leaving.

Woof.

[Would you like a refresher?]

“Yes! That! Also try to keep it brief, please. I, uh, need to go back to work…soon.”

I can’t believe I’m getting away with this.

Screen shows the three dots of loading before playing a jingle as the AI returns.

[You had been contracted to test several developing projects as a lab assistant under the head scientist, Doctor Samuel Lambden-]

“Hold on.” I stopped the bot mid speech. “Lab assistant? I’m a game programmer by trade. I have a Bachelor’s in game design. Don’t I need a like…a science degree or something?”

[You fit the criteria!]

“Criteria for what?”

[Weeeeeeeell officially your title is assistant lab worker. But really it’s more like assistant…lab…testee.]

There it is. “So I was a guinea pig.”

[Noooooooo, we don’t use that language here! You were more like a…assistant laboratory attendant!]

“...Good to know.”

[Besides, this pays better.]

Fantastic. “So I’m a lab assistant, big whoop. Why was I moved here though? I mean lab assistant isn’t really a position to go international.”

[You were relocated.]

“What, like across continents?

[Across realities.]

…

“Uuuuuugh.” I sighed.

That confirms it, the robot said so. I’m from another dimension. Getting back just got more complicated, which I did not need at all .

[Interdimensional travel was your first project to test. Congratulations on having become the first pioneer to travel between two whole planes of existence! Lucky you!]

The screen brings up a file, displaying the schematics for some kind of stargate looking machine.

Alright, I was called in to be a test subject to swapping universes. And for some reason, they chose me. 

Yay.

“Then why am I a dog?”

[Pardon?]

“I’m pretty sure I was a human back home. Now I’m a dalmatian puppy. Actually, how’d you recognize me in this body?

Amio’s face tilts on screen.

[Hmmmmmmm. Your biometrics were put into the system immediately after you had arrived. But for anything else I can only access that which was on the company record. For all I know, you have always been like this. Sorry I couldn’t be any more help ),: ]

Don’t you sad emoji at me! I need answers! Fine. No direct way to ask. Let’s try a roundabout.

“Was there any incident that happened the day of the…travel test? The one I was in?”

[Oh yes! There was! An accident had occurred during the transition. Luckily no casualties were recorded and all staff received only minor injuries! Winning for everyone !]

Who says this? The programmer who made this loony personality either was super sad that needed a friend real bad or wanted to be REALLY irritating. I could live with this if I wasn’t so itching for info right now!

“Do you have footage of the incident?”

[Well to access the surveillance, security needs to be contacted first. Unfortunately there is no personnel within the facility as of this moment. But~ fortunately for us, R&D always records their experiments! The closest cams were damaged during the incident but this was what was recovered.]

Amio’s face is cut to a live video of the gate firing up. 

The futuristic arch lit up swirling blue, the vortex seemingly sucking in the very light it was giving off. 

A very familiar blue light.

Temple rings in agony. I have to force my eyes shut just to bear with it this time.

[It is recommended to relax. Dr. Lambden had instructed me to tell you to, and I quote, “let the memories flow”, whatever that means.]

Really?!? I’m in pain and I should just let it pain-you know what, I don’t have any options left. Alright, release your eyebrows. Ignore the three inch nail digging into your skull.

Breath in.

Breath out.

…

There’s something.

I…remember signing a bunch of forms.

I’m wearing a blue jumpsuit. Then a lot of unfamiliar protective gear.

I’m standing in front of the portal. It lights up.

I walk towards it. And then-

*BOOOOOOOM*

The video startles me back, showing only smoke in front of a broken lens. It then immediately cuts off right after someone starts coughing into the audio.

[And that is it! Dr. Lambden was really distressed about the results that day. Even stayed overnight to fix the lab. How kind!]

How kind indeed. But really?! That’s it?! Bull fucking shit! That was a huge explosion! How did anyone survive that! No casualties, my ass!...unless…

“Amio!”

[Yes?]

“Was I put on any other projects?”

[As a matter of fact, yes! You were immediately reassigned to the animal human cohabitational clinical trial!]

Another document opens, revealing various diagrams of dogs, cats, and other miscellaneous beasts. One particular picture among the rest, like looking at your recent driver’s license. It was me! Or more likely, this body! There, among the list, was the very splitting image of Dipper Dalmatian, canine pup. As for the details, most of the description was techno jargon and scientific mumbo jumbo. Although there was one little blip that was interesting.

“Genetic defects have been rectified including the ability to consume vegetation from the allium family and cocoa beans?!?” I move back from the screen in indignation. “I could be eating green onions this entire time?!?!?!”

[You…haven’t?]

“Onions make dog blood explode! Of course not, I’m not risking Chinese over death! But noooooooo, I could have been chowing down on lo mien or potato salad and be completely fine!” I fumed.

[Well the project was for you to live along with designated subjects who are the ones with the altered physiology. Both of you would have been able to eat onions either way! Employees are normally debriefed on such details prior to gaining access with new projects…which may have been difficult as you have recorded sick leave during this period.]

Amio did say that I had taken three whole sick days during my time here. Unfortunate that I don’t remember them, first memory being that early morning I found myself down at 101 Dalmatian street.

“Does…the record say what I was sick for?”

[It was quite unprecedented! Normally taking so many sick days in a row would have led to an immediate termination! But Dr. Lambden had advocated for you to keep your job!]

“Ok that’s nice, but that doesn’t answer my question. Like at all.”

[I’m getting to that, keep your pants on! Yeesh, testy much?]

Says the AI sassing me. Also what pants?

[Dr. Lambden was also the one who reported your sick days for you!]

Great. Knew this quack was somehow responsible. Probably the one who put me in this body!

[Yeah! He wrote down that you needed “surgery”, wasn’t really specific with the details but was really insistent you would not have made it if you weren’t operated on immediately.]

…huh?

“So I was…in here?” I was going to die?

[The lab equipment was damaged but from what was recorded, your original vitals were fading? Sorry for not having a clear answer, the data gets fuzzy the more I try to access the files.]

I…what…

[Oh! There was an encrypted message for you left by the doctor himself approximately 243 days ago! Would you like me to play it?]

“...Yes. Please do.”

This time the screen produces a spiraling open circle, then a video pops up. An short elderly man in round spectacles and a frazzled lab coat is fidgeting with the camera.

[ -Is this on? Yes? Right. Hello, my name is Doctor Samuel Lambden and I am so sorry, my boy.- ]

I…keep listening.

[ -The Arc Gate was not fully functional due to a lack of energy into the main core. Normally I would have postponed the test for another month for additional data collection, but the big wigs were pressured by shareholders to produce something substantial. As a result, we had to divert the building's additional power sources which overloaded the whole damn thing. Oh! Pardon my language.- ]

A weak smirk tugs at my cheek.

[ -Most of the staff came out unharmed with minor injuries. You were not so fortunate, having been at the epicenter. When we found you, your body was in a bad state, to say the least. We couldn’t bring you to the hospital, corporate didn’t want casualties to scare investors so they kept everything quiet, the heartless pricks. So we had to make due with what we had.- ]

The old man moves to the side, revealing a small animal. A very dalmatian puppy shaped animal.

[ -Through the miracle of science and twenty four hour nonstop care, we were able to keep your mind intact. The procedure wasn’t perfect, your short term memory was affected so you’ll probably not remember even signing up with us let alone what happened to you. Thought process also might not be fully functional on regaining consciousness. If you have problems thinking like you used to, that’s expected. In theory, you should be back to your normal self soon.- ]

Back when I woke up, I remember not swearing. Not even to myself.

[ -The suits were going to be even more egregious when they tried to deny your basic living rights by saying you were company property. So I’m putting my foot down. I’m pulling some strings to get you into a safe environment away from prying eyes to acclimate you to your new body, hidden within the case file.- ]

A familiar capsule is brought in and the pup was gently placed inside by two lab hands.

[ -I’ve made it so that you’re still on the payroll, since you’re technically testing our projects just by existing. All your personal accounts have been set up on this side so the only thing we need to return would be your physical belongings. We’ll send them to you at a later day.- ]

I rub my face anxiously.

[ -I know you’re smart enough to start looking once you get a foothold. I know you might be wanting to go home, it’s why I arranged a way for you to enter the building under the guise of a company tour. As of right now, that would be very difficult to do. The gate is completely fried, as are the additional power sources needed to power the thing. It would take years to rebuild everything just to get you back, several more to make it stable enough to travel safely. As you are right now. As a human…well…reversing the process would be too complicated to do so easily.- ]

My fur stretches as I pull down.

That’s it. I’m stuck as a dog. I’m going to die in ten years.

What am I going to do with the rest of my short and tragic life?

[ -Oh, if you’re worried about the average canine lifespan, don’t be. The clinical trial site was made for extending the lifetime of animal companions through treatment disguised as vaccines and specific brands of dog food. With great success. We’ve adopted that research into your own body so you’ll live the same age as a normal human lifetime.- ]

Oh. Nevermind.

[ -I know it’s not ideal, but I will do everything in my power to guarantee that you live a long and stable life, you have my word. Maybe one day, we can fix the portal and you’ll get back. So don’t lose hope. Doctor Samuel Lambden, signing off.- ]

And with that the video ends. Amio’s smiling face is back on screen.

[Was that helpful, Mr. Sou?]

“Hm, what? Oh, uh, yeah. It was helpful.” I said absentmindedly. My thoughts were elsewhere.

Good news: I’m not genetically crippled! I can eat chocolate, I can eat onions, and I technically have a full human life to live. Heck, I have more since I’m an adolescent right now. Puberty’s going to suck but maybe I can make better choices this time round.

Bad news. I can’t go home right now. 

And my family’s out of my reach. 

I can’t get to them.

I’m alone.

…

…

…

No.

I picked my collar back up, having another once over the thing. I see myself staring back through the polished material.

Despite the adorable puppy face, he’s still me.

He’s survived one hijinks after another.

He’s gotten really good at using a grappling hook.

He’s the adoptive member of the 101 dalmatian family. They’ll be with him for a long time.

I turn it over to the bedazzled rhinestone, gleaming in cheap shine.

*sniff*

And he is loved.

[Mr. Sou?]

I get snapped out of my melancholy. 

“What? Um, well…” I’ve basically found all that I wanted. 

“Oh! Right!” I thought of something. “Several months ago, my bank account got hacked and all my money was stolen then returned to me. What happened?”

[Oooooh. That….There was…a security breach. An intern who was fired for various contract violations had taken a portion of private information from the database. But as you might have figured out, they were captured as soon as possible and the data was recovered!]

“What happened to them?”

[They were…dealt with.]

Note to self, never piss off the Dialis company.

[Still have any other inquiries?]

Hmmmm. I give it a thought.

I’m…out of questions at the moment. My curiosity has been satisfied.

So maybe…

“Amio. I came here with several guests for the company tour and one of them really wanted to see the new tech. Is there a chance we could, you know, see a showcase of some kind?”

…

[Well the building is currently in standby mode. And most of the technology is either too dangerous without trained personnel or are company secrets….oh what the heck! I’ll boot up some of the demonstration rooms made for investors and I’ll personally walk you guys through it.]

“Really?! Thank you so much!...but…isn’t that like a company violation?”

[Ah pish posh! I have access to all the facilities as well as have several hundred safety manuals downloaded on file. We’ll be fine! Besides, it’s been SO BORING here in the labs. I was activated when you arrived but was just staying idle until you got here!]

AIs can get bored?

[Anything else, Mr. Sou?]

I chew my lip. There is one thing.

“Can you call me Dipper from now on?”

=+=

*Ding*

“What was that?!” Dawkins says in alarm.

“I don’t know, just be ready for anything!” Dolly answered back. 

The lights within the building had returned to their full illumination, meaning something had changed. It wasn’t human, that’s for sure, no one had entered since they were staying at the entrance the whole time. The older pup was putting her kibble on a certain missing dalmatian.

Sure enough.

The elevator opens to reveal their previously absent companion.

“Dipper!” 

The two ran toward the canine exiting the lift.

Dolly tries to berate the pup for worrying his fellow dogs. “Alright wise guy, you better believe you’re going to get it-” She stops when she notices the lack of emotion on the pup’s face.

“Are…you ok, Dipper?” Dawkins asks.

The pup takes a second to respond.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m o-...o-...”

Tears start streaming as the pup breaks down where he stood as he curled into a ball.

The two pups didn’t know what to do, other than console their weeping brother.

=+=

“So let me get this straight. You’re actually a human? From another dimension?!” Dawkins asked

“Is what I got.”

“And you got so critically injured that they put your…mind into the body of a dalmatian pup.”

“I mean, I remember not being like this so…”

“Sorry, I know you’re probably not lying, Dipper, but it’s still so hard to believe. But it’s so very fascinating ! I mean who knew this was all possible!”

“How do you think I feel?”

This was more or less the car ride back from the Dialis company building. Took a while for me to calm down from my whimpering, after which Dawkins carefully asked me what happened. I didn’t have any reason to lie about myself anymore, so I said I’d talk after the tour. One pup was elated the showcase was back on, the other just rolled her eyes. Supportive but not as invested. All that mattered was that Dawkins was happy and we were happy for him. After which, when we got back to the entrance, the limo greeted us with our ticket home. Once on, I told them everything. Who I was, how I became what I was now, and how…difficult it would be to return. For Dolly, it was more or less a refresher. For Dawkins…it’s probably straight out of a sci fi novel.

“Oooo! This trip has been absolutely astonishing! There are so many ideas I must try! So much to research!” Dawkins has gone full scientist mode.

“Well, try not to blow up the house if you do.” I joke.

“Hey.” Dolly called out besides me in a serious tone, a paw on my shoulder. “You sure you’re okay with this? I mean not being able to get home is…”

My paw meets hers, squeezing affectionately. “The Doc there said maybe one day I could go back, right? So not everything is bad.” I smile back. “Besides, I think I’d miss you guys too much if I did.”

“Ah, you dork!” She pulls me into a rough nuzzle. “We’d miss you too! You’re sticking with us till you’re sick of it!”

“Alright alright, Dolly! Better be prepared cause you guys are sick of me too!” I giggled. A question came to mind. “Should we…tell the rest of the family about all this?”

The two take the moment to think before Dolly answers. “Nah, probably best to keep it to ourselves.”

“Really? More secrets? Guys, I kept them before and it didn’t turn out that well.”

Dawkins interjects his opinion. “Well it’s less about keeping secrets and more weighted on the fact that we don’t have much evidence to prove it. I scantily believe you that you were human, I’m positive everyone else would most likely believe we were all completely insane.”

Hm, guess they would, wouldn’t they.

Car halts as the door opens to 101 Dalmatian street, so we disembark to walk up to the door. Before I could get the scanner though, Dolly stopped me.

“Hey. You forgot this.” 

She passes the dog hook over to me.

My eyebrow raises in an amused jest. 

“I thought you’d be keeping this? Kinda did pass it off to you.”

Dolly snorts.

“Oh I would’ve definitely kept this!…Just…didn’t feel right with you still here and all.” She jingles the apparatus, the offer still standing. “So?”

I smile.

“Thanks.” I gratefully take the hook, slipping it back onto my paw. Like driving a car, you can stop for as long as you want, the feeling will return the moment you take the wheel. “Come on, Dylan’s probably up to his ears with chores by now.”

With my paw scanned, the door swings wide open.

Walking in, I take a deep breath of the smell of dog hair and slobber.

A smell that would normally be revolting

But to me, it was warm, familiar.

Home. Away from home.

I check my temple to see any signs of pain.

No strain. No headaches. No worries on my mind.

It feels good to be back.

…

Hold on I’m alone at the entrance-

I turn back to the pups still at the doorway. “You guys can come in, it’s not like you need an invitation to your own house.”

They give each other a sideline look before smiling. “Oh we know~.” Dolly answered before the two stepped back. What’d she mean about-

“Dipper?” Dipper?!” Dipper!” “DIPPER!”

Oh no.

I only had a second to react before the oncoming avalanche of canines came upon me.

Also known as a group hug.

With great effort on my part I was able to dig through the pile, popping my head out for a well needed breath of air. 

“Alright, who organized this? Was it you, Dolly? I bet you had something to do with this!” I shouted to the back. Can’t see you right now but I know you’re there!

“Wasn’t me, bro! I’m just as shocked as you are!” She answered back. So if she didn’t do this, then who di-?

“That would be me.”

A certain dutiful pup spoke up from the pile.

On my left.

“JEEEUUDA-!”

“-I thought you’d like a warm welcome when you got back.” Dylan cuts me off.

“...how’d you know I’d come back?”

“Oh, just a feeling."

…

“Yeah ok.” I relented. Dylan chuckles.

“Wait wait wait! Dolly-” I hear Dawkins try to say from behind the puppy pile.

Which was followed by- 

“Bow-waka-WOOOOW!”

And then two more pups joined the pile. Dolly had pulled her other nerdy brother along and dive bombed right on top of us.

“Kibbles.” Dawkins’s eyes spun from the impact. 

“Oof! Dolly!” Dylan complained.

“My bad~!” Dolly responded back with little care for the trouble she caused.

“Pfff haha~!”

Oddly enough, I was the first to break out laughing.

Which was infectious as Dylan joined along, followed by Dolly, then Dawkins. Soon everyone was having a blast, all fun times and giggles.

I think I can live with this. Little dalmatian me and the dalmatian family.

I don’t know what’s in store for us in the future.

But I know no matter the troubles.

No matter the tribulations.

I got my pups with me.

And we’ll get through it together.

A hundred and one.

Plus one.

End of Part 2

Chapter Text

“Dad, why am I here?” Dylan asked.

“Why am I here?!” I screeched.

Currently, three dalmatians were standing in front of the spa: Doug, Dylan, and yours truly.

Why were we in front of the spa of all places? Well…

Doug scratches his ear. “Because I’d booked another spa session for your mother and Dolly! Their last trip started rocky but turned out so well in the end, I thought they’d like another trip this year…only they decided not to go. No idea why! I could have sworn they had a great time together.”

My lips purse at the thought. I totally knew what happened, and why the two had turned down the offer.

“So I decided, why waste perfectly good spa day reservations and brought you two along! Can’t hog all the fun to myself, can I? Also they were very expensive.” Dog dad fiddled with his paws at the last bit.

Ok, that explains the place, but if my math isn’t wrong, those time slots don’t add up.

Better double check. “That doesn’t explain why I’m here. If you had two reservations, you and Dylan would have been enough.”

“Oh! Funny thing really! On my way back to the house with the reservations, I bumped into Hansel! You know how Dolly feels about that husky!” Doug wiggles his eyebrows, mine stay leveled. “Anyways, I’d thought I’d give him a heads up that Dolly would be joining him, but then he said that he suddenly forgot about some other arrangement he made prior and that he couldn’t come. So he offered up his reservation as well so it wouldn’t go to waste! What a nice guy!”

I see someone else remembered what happened last time too.

Still sorta doesn’t answer my question though. “Ok, but…why me then? You have about ninety seven other pups to have chosen from, some of which would probably want to go to the spa. And you chose the least likely to want to go. Why?”

“Well I mean…it’s just…” Doug stammers before letting out a sigh. “It’s because we’ve never spent time together before.”

I…oh.

“I mean, I know you’re technically not related and all, but we think of you as part of the big ol’ family! It’s just, we never actually hung out before. Then I realized I haven’t really hung out with Dylan either, And now we have a chance to get together, one dog to another!” Dog dad exclaimed brightly.

“...at the spa?”

Doug’s bright expression dims a little. “Alright I’ll admit, it’s not the best choice, but come on! I’m sure we dalmatians can make the best of what we got! So let’s head on in and get…massages? We get massages here, right?”

The other pup chuckles at his father’s goofiness. “Okay dad.” 

I merely roll my eyes.

Before we enter though, Dylan and I share a nervous glance. This was going to be a loaded trip no matter how it ends.

Inside the spa was just like the show: jaunty, conspicuous, and violently dark pink. The air was thick with the smell of beauty products and dryer heat. Prunella the pug getting a facial, Arabell the…Lhasa Apso? I don’t know, but she’s getting blow dried. Poodles lined up at the dryer chairs, nose up in the air doing their best to not care. Triple D would have loved it here. 

Us, well…not so much.

“Oh boy, what have I gotten us into?” Doug asked to no one in particular.

“No idea, dad, no idea.” Dylan decided to answer.

I whisper up close to the pup. “You think I could have bribed Dallas to take my place?”

“Dipper!” He harshly snips back.

Luckily Doug doesn’t seem to hear us. “Well, those massage tables aren’t going to find themselves! Let’s go kids!”

We start making our way down the main aisle to wherever the hell we’re looking for in this prissy purgatory. Now what I was expecting was prudish sneers and back handed comments about how unkempt our fur was.

What I was not prepared for was how popular dog dad was.

“Look out ladies, we got ourselves a hot dog on the floor~”

“Hey there fireman~”

“Someone call 999, cause there’s blaze in my heart~”

The poodles catcalled left and right. Ironic, I know.

Oh and now I’m uncomfortable.

Doug bashfully smiles. “Oh ho gosh! Thanks for the compliments ladies, but I’m already taken.”

“Shame~”

“Lucky dog.”

“Ha ha! Wow! Spa dogs sure are friendly.” Doug turns back to us. “Okay, you two find yourselves a table. I’m gonna go and see if I can’t get us some of those cucumber snackies some of these dogs have on their faces.”

“Dad, I don’t think those cucumbers are for eating.” Dylan cautioned.

“Not for eating? Then what are they for?” Doug asked with a puzzled expression before heading off.

We waited for him to be out of ear shot. 

Once he is, the both of us shiver. I visibly gag.

“Oh my dog, that was something I didn’t want to see today.” Dylan cringed.

“Let’s just forget that ever happened and find some massage tables.” I answered with equal mortifility.

“Agreed.”

Better find a good quiet spot before something irritating happens.

“Ugh, of course your kind is here.”

Too late.

Clarissa rears her ugly face into the situation like the nosy neighbor she was. Literally, in this case. Her face was peeking down through one of the massage table holes.

“This could only end with nothing but trouble. Last time I got a DISGUSTING hairball on my beautiful face! You better not ruin this my day with your usual tastelessness. Especially yo-”

Didn’t even let her finish, I immediately jumped up to grab onto her snout and let gravity do the rest. The results were Clarissa’s big fat ego getting stuck deeper in the massage table hole. Well mostly her nonexistent neck. The corgi squealed as her tiny body floundered helplessly from above. No one’s got time for your shit any day, snob.

Alright got that out of the way, where the fuck did Dylan go? Dude wasn’t with me when I was dealing with the high horse. Better find him soon less things get even more complicated.

“Portia~”

Oh god dammit.

I find the pup next to the black poodle ogling below. Said poodle didn’t even bat an eye.

“Spence, did you hear something?” She asked.

“Oh must have been the wind. Although it sounds like desperation to me.” The dachshund next to her chuckled.

Dylan continued to salivate. “~She noticed me!~” Good gravy, this dog needs standards.

“Ok you!” I head push the driveling pup to the second nearest table, AWAY from Portia. “Go over there, please.  You’re getting slobber everywhere.” 

I can feel a familiar irritation I had when Dylan tried to get me to be his wing dog for this callous pooch. Unfortunately now’s not the time for recompense. This is supposed to be a nice family outing, just a dog and his two sons getting whatever they could get out of a spa. I’m to be on my best behavior today.

“Yes, go make sure that Danny doesn’t make the floor too wet. Might trip over his own two left feet.” The poodle shares a snicker with her wiener dog lackey.

Then again, she’s asking for it.

“Hold on a sec!” Leading Dylan onto a table, I immediately dunk his head into the hole. “I just realized I have some business to attend to.”

“Port~uh? Wait Dipper what business-” The pup starting to snap out of his love stricken trance.

I quickly cut him off by wrapping a towel over his ears. “Don’t worry about it.”

Portia tones down the amusement, her uncaring fun was had.

But when she looks to her left, a dalmatian pup manifests. His eyebrows furled.

“Something you need?” She asked coldly.

The pup put on the angriest face a tiny dog could muster. “I warned you.”

“Sorry?” The poodle raised an indifferent eyebrow. “Wait, you’re that pup from the window. The one making all those funny little gestures.”

“And that ! Was a warning. MY family might forgive your transgressions, I will not.”

Portia narrows her eyes. “And what are you going to do about it?”

The pup twirls a shampoo bottle in his paw.

“This.”

=+=

The doors to the salon burst open.

An incredibly vibrant hot pink french poodle dashes out onto the sidewalk in a panic, clearly distressed at her newly dyed fur color coat job. Her once rounded pompom now stands uneven, significantly fresh divots present as if someone bit chunks straight off of cotton candy. Portia looks back, screams, then continues off running into the distance.

Seconds later, a dalmatian pup with a half crushed hair product bottle and electric razor comes skidding to a halt at the entrance.

“Yeah you better run! Make another snide comment, I dare you! Do it and I’ll use mustard YELLOW!”

Spencer follows along to give the pup a piece of his mind. “You little-”

“Shut it before I turn you baby blue.” 

That threat muzzled the sausage dog right up, dude saw what the dalmatian did. The canine promptly followed along the poodle’s frantic course as fast as his little stubby legs could take him.

With arrogant hounds begot and harsh lessons taught, the pup returns back to the salon, smiling wide with satisfaction.

=+=

Boon doggy, did that feel good!

Knock one name down the get back list! Good thing I did all that while the humans were away dealing with other more aggravating, and more importantly, more distracting matters involving a certain corgi. Clarrissa had caused such a big scene being so stuck that everyone didn’t even notice the makeover I was giving Portia. Turns out our neighbor was good for something after all.

Gonna just mosey back over to where Dylan was, the dog still laying down on the massage table.  Finding an open spot, I take it with gusto, satisfaction still flowing in my veins.

The pup noticed my arrival, pulling his head out of the hole. “You finished with your business?”

“Hoyeay, got dealt with, clean cut!” I say self-satisfied. “Let’s get some massages!”

Which was when something caught ablaze.

“Fire!”

Boy, we just can’t catch a break today.

Specifically a spark broke out on the inside one of the hair dryer dome one of the other random poodles was currently using. Said poodle took exception to the sudden fiery turn of event, realized her newly fashioned coif was smoking, not in a good way, and proceeded to shriek bloody murder right out of her stylist chair.

“Fire?!” A larger dalmatian exclaimed, surprisingly articulate with a mouthful of cucumber. Doug swallows before leaping over to us. 

“Boys, we have a situation!” He states in full firefighting seriousness. “Normally it’s best to wait for my team at the fire department, but there’s no time! You two head to the entrance! You’ll be safer outside!”

“On it dad!” The two of us salute our father figure as he heads off to catch the runaway poodle, grabbing a towel to aid him on the endeavor. On his way, he dips the towel into the piranha tank before attempting to seize the burning canine. It was…amazing how swift his actions were. Us pups staring in awe and amazement at our father figure.

Unfortunately we didn’t get a chance to even lift a paw to leave, Doug had neglected the sparking dryer. A proper fire is now kindling on the underside of the dome, threatening to grow in size.

“Uh Dylan, fire on our seven!” I informed my brother.

He turns around, eyes wide at the situation. “Oh dog! And Dad’s too occupied to notice!”

“Come on, we gotta do something!” I said.

Dylan looks at me like I’m crazy. “What?! Are you crazy?! Dad said to stay outside the spa, away from the danger!”

“That fire gets any bigger, there won’t BE a spa to go back to! Now come on!” I ran over without waiting for an answer. 

Now you might be wondering, did I go crazy? Heading straight into danger without care for my own well being, when did I get so impulsive?

Don’t answer that.

Remember what I said about the family? That I never let them get in harm’s way or something on the lines of that? Well dog dad is included. If this fire isn’t snuffed this second, it could spread through more of the spa. While I have no doubts Doug could rally most of the level headed civilians out the back, there’s a good chance the less than level headed will make it difficult. If something were to happen to him in that time span…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, having left Delilah a widow. 

Not on my watch.

On my way over, I take a towel as well, slinging the cloth over my shoulder to prepare for what’s to come as I climb a stair like wall decor to the back bench behind the dryer chairs. Turning back, I see Dylan had followed along with my insane plan, shaking like a leaf.

“You get the plug! I’ll do something about the can!” I yelled down. When he runs out of sight, I head to the flaming dryer.

I pause.

Shit! What am I going to do?! I’m just a five pound pup! Fuck am I suppose to do about this bucket twice my size?! Gotta think of something fast, I can see the fire spreading! What do I do?! Uh. uh.

Jump!

I leap at the dryer head, immediately throwing my weight against the shell as I kick back.

Ah! Fuck that’s hot! But I can see it’s bending. Just a few more and it’ll fly off!

Second jump!

*Crick*

Third jump! Ow, toasty!

*Kreck*

Fourth!

*SNAP!*

The dryer head gives way right on the last jump, being sent flying to the ground. Alright, it’s free! The fire won’t spread so far on the stone tile. Unfortunately, without something to push back against, I’ve basically sent myself soaring as well.

Good thing I brought a towel.

With quick wit, I take the wipe and fasten it like a basket. The towel literally catches wind as it puffs up into a makeshift parachute. My free fall is now a glide held by two paws. The dryer head clatters loudly on the floor, rolling around as the flames lick the checkered shingles. With sufficient distance to the ground, I let go of half the towel, arriving with acceptable force to get on my feet and grabbing the burning can with only the towel as protection. I slam the head down, mouth first, finally extinguishing the flames for good.

Thank god that’s over. I splay down on the floor exhausted. Looking up I see Dylan with an electric cord in paw. He sighs in relief to which I can only weakly chuckle. We both looked over to Doug to see how he was doing.

At this moment, Doug finally caught up to the poodle, dousing her flame and saving the majority of her coif.

“There you are ma’am, safe and sound!” He reassures the slightly drenched canine.

“My hero~” She responds with half-lidded eyes.

Gag.

Well at least our troubles are over for today.

“They wrecked the dryer chair!”

“Bad dogs!”

“We really should change our policy on dalmatians.”

Fucking!

So it looks like the human caretakers had been busy with other things only to notice me breaking the dryer head. Well to be fair, those things were a dog on fire and probably Clarissa’s incessant yammering. But you’d think someone, anyone , would notice the smell of smoldering metal.

We can’t be this dense as a species, can we?

Oh well looks like they don’t care cause they’re coming over, oh crap!

“Ohgeezlookslikemypupsareintroublegottagobbye!” I hear Doug say before I’m unceremoniously grabbed by the collar. “Come on kids!”

“Right behind you dad!” Dylan exclaimed.

All of us immediately ran out the entrance and down the street.

=+=

“What were you two thinking?!” Dog dad reprimanded through his gripped teeth.

Three dalmatians were walking down the sidewalk. Actually it was two dalmatians walking, one of them was being carried by the scruff of his neck. Surprising enough, it’s not as choking as this would look. Dog skin is looser than a human’s so there’s more slack to give. So there’s no pain on my throat at all, just a kind of slight tightness all over. Wait no that’s not relevant cause we’re getting a dressing down for my impulsive actions.

“Don't blame Dylan, he was just making sure I was safe.” I tried to defend.

“Okay then, what were you thinking, Dipper?!” I winced at that.

“Dad, go easy on him.” Dylan asked, sounds like he’s not used to dog dad being so serious. I sure wasn’t.

“No!” Doug exclaimed with an unusual amount of authority. “You two blatantly disobeyed my instructions to leave the salon and immediately got into trouble. I told you to go outside for your own safety!”

He sharply turns the corner as we head on into…the park? Why are we here?

Doug stops short of a drinking fountain, carefully depositing me at the base so that I’m on my side rather than my feet. I try to stand but his forceful paw keeps me in check.

“Don’t get up. I have to check for burns.” He begins sniffing my paws.

I frowned. “Doug, I’m fin-Ah! Ssssssss.” The dalmatian gently brushed the pads of my back legs, to which I recoiled in pain. Turns out jumping on burning metal does have consequences, no matter how quick or nimble you think you’re being.

“See? Not fine at all. Your burns don’t look major but just to be sure, a little water should cool them down.” He turns on the lower fountain made for dogs to drink, letting the water pour over my injured paws. 

It stung at first, but after the initial shock, chilling relief. Which was more than I could say about my feelings after looking at dog dad’s stern expression. Looks like I’m in the doghouse for sure. I mean I’ll actually be in a doghouse when we get home but you get the point. 

Seems like Doug saw how squeamish I was being cause his strict façade to slacken, if only by a little bit.

“Look, I don’t want to yell at you either, but your recklessness got you hurt. Pups shouldn’t handle such a dangerous case. Why didn’t you listen when I asked?” He asked.

Words rise and fall at the tip of my tongue, my muddled mind trying to find a clear satisfying reason for what I did. Then I could only cough as I had to tell the truth. “It’s because I still wanted to spend time with you!”

Doug’s eyebrows raise in surprise.

I continued my answer. “I…never really spent time with my own father. He's… he wasn’t rational most days and does whatever he wants to do, whether I’m there or not. Here, it felt the same. Yeah I know you’re busy and that’s understandable. But…it felt more like I had a dad. So when you invited me along, I was sorta…happy.”

His expression softened

“Sure massages wouldn’t be my first choice, but I was actually looking forward to them. With you. And Dylan. If the fire had spread, we wouldn't be able to…be together, so I tried to stop it before it got too big. Guess it doesn’t really matter now.” I sniffled

Canine father and son look upon their moping adoptive son/brother unsure what to do. Me , the moping adopted son and brother, could only lay there as his paws cooled off.

I lay my muzzle down over the concrete. “I’m sorry for being impulsive. I’ll do my best to be safer. Promise.”

Doug lays a paw over my barrel, this time more gently. “Dipper, you’re always doing your best. I’m just worried for your wellbeing. It’s not easy being a working parent. I’m a dad of ninety-nine pups, and there will be times where I can’t be there to look after everyone.” He pulls Dylan into a shoulder hug. “That’s why I rely on you guys to be responsible in my absence, other than Dolly of course!” Dog dad chuckles. He lets go and slowly walks over. “But that’s the thing, I’m also a licensed emergency professional. I need to trust that you will do what I tell you to when things get rough. I know you can be responsible, but you need to listen to my instructions next time, alright?”

I nodded.

Dog dad smiles. “Good! Now let’s get you home.” He picks me back up and drapes me across his back. “Those burns don’t look too serious but it’s best to keep off them for now.”

“But I-” I tried to protest but a grumble from Doug said otherwise. “Ok.”

He relents. “There we go. Oh, and remember! Call me dad.”

I smile. “Ok, dad.”

“That’s better.” With relations acknowledged, the three of us left the park, content that we’ve made up. “Still, you did disobey my word. I’m gonna have to give you a proper punishment.” Ah well that’s to be expected. “So no dog treats for a week!”

“Dad, I don’t even like dog treats.” I retorted.

Doug looks back flabbergasted. “What pup doesn’t like dog treats?!”

We all share a laugh as we make our way down the street.

=+=

“Wow, you girls are naturals!” Delilah exclaimed.

“Yeah we are!” Dallas agreed as she painted her mother’s claw navy blue. 

So what were mom and daughter doing since they turned down their spa day retreat? Well Delilah felt bad for rejecting her husband’s offer for going to get pampered, even if it wasn’t worth the probable trouble. More so since Dolly also refused. But in a bid to not waste such expensive reservations, the nurse encouraged him to use them for himself, along with two other vict-I mean pups. Unfortunately that meant the girls of the house were left behind with no plans on mother’s day. Now what are a pair of dalmatians to do?

Why get pampered at home!

The two dogs were currently resting on the sofa, letting the three divas give them the proper treatment the salon hadn't. With more level heads this time.

“Told ya they were good, mom.” Dolly said with satisfaction. Her own claws were being polished by Destiny.

“Better believe it, sister~!” The puppy actor with the nail file exclaimed. “No fancy smancy salon could ever out style us three!”

“That’s the Triple D guarantee!” Deja vu finished.

Everyone shares a laugh.

Delilah cheery disposition dims. “Oh I still feel bad for turning the offer down…”

Dolly puts a finished pedicured paw on her mother’s shoulder. “Mom, it’s fine. We both know it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

“I know, it’s just…I’m worried. Your father means well, but we just sent him along with Dylan and Dipper off to dog knows what! I hope they’ll be alright.”

Her daughter scoffs. “Please, you’re talking about the two of the most conscious pups in the house, especially Dipper. Besides! It’s a spa trip! It’s not like they’re going to come back with burns or something.”

The front door opens, two dogs walk in. One with a pup resting across their back.

“Honeys! I’m HOOOOOOOME!” Doug cried out.

Que tidal wave of family.

Dog dad re-emerges from the pile with Dipper in mouth, chuckling along with all his children.

“Dad!” Dolly called out. “How was the spa trip!”

Doug goes to deposit the pup onto a pillow. “Oh it was…eventful!” He says as gently as possible.

His daughter gives him a look of confusion.

Dipper speaks up bluntly in the absence of a proper answer. “I got slightly burned trying to stop an electrical fire.”

Dolly now gripes as Delilah gives her a knowing look, who gets off the couch to check up on the resting, possibly injured pup.

“Are you alright?! Dipper, show me your burns.” Dog mom immediately goes into dog nurse mode.

Only for her to be stopped by a paw from Doug. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ve already treated them with cold water. Dipper just needs to stay off them for the rest of the day.”

Delilah sighs, right before getting ready for a diatribe.

“-And I’ve also given him discipline for being reckless, too!” He adds.

The punished pup monotones. “No treats for a we-”

“Two weeks!” His adoptive dad adds.

Dipper merely rolls his eyes. “No treats for two weeks.”

The mother sighs in defeated relief, seeing as how the tough parenting job had been done for today.

Then again, it was mother’s day, and she didn’t need to deal with such things.

“Thank you.” She smiled. “For keeping the boys safe.”

“It’s what I do!” Doug put a paw to his chest. “...although I could see why you didn’t want to go to the spa in the first place.”

Delilah merely chuckles. “Well at least we all know now!”

The two adults share a laugh as they head upstairs. The remaining dalmatians join the recovering pup by the window.

“So…” Dolly started. “Hectic day, huh?”

“You can say that again! You’d think going to a spa would be relaxing. Was your trip this problematic?” Dylan griped.

“Eh, more or less. What happened with you and dad?”

Dylan shivered at the thought. “Dad got flirted with by the poodles. Then we got run out for destroying a dryer head that caught on fire, but I think you heard that already.”

The tomboy stifled a smirk. “Wow! That’s almost like our trip to the spa. Humans chased us out cause mom helped this feline choking on a hairball, saying something like we attacked the cat! We had to make a break for it out back.”

“Really?? That happened to you too?! How come you never said anything about it?” Dylan responded with surprise.

“Because you never asked!” Dolly retorted humorously. 

Dylan taps his chin in thought. “...is that why you and mom came back all smudged orange?”

“Yeah, we ran into an instant tanning machine right before we left. Made us look like a bunch of hyenas!”

“Really?!”

“Yup! One human even tried to take us to Africa!”

“Yeesh! Sounds like you and mom had a tougher time than us!”

“Well neither of us got burned so you tell me!”

The two pups shared a laugh before calming down. 

Dolly looked at Dipper. 

Dylan looked at Dipper. 

Dipper looked confused between the two. He sighs.

“Fine! You guys can have my dog treats for the next two weeks, just make sure to share!” Dipper exclaims as he flops down on the pillow. The two other pups cheer, having gained extra snacks at the expense of their adopted sibling.

“Yessssss! I-” Something stops Dolly as she sees something that catches her eye outside. She presses against the window, right before bursting out laughing. Lifting the window, she cries out into the street. “Portia!”

“Portia?!” Dylan’s ears perked up predictably as he joined his sister at the window, tail wagging in excitement. Excitement that sinks a bit to make way for confusion of some sort at the spectacle.

“Did you get a new furcut? Cause *pfft* you look a little *snk* different!” Dolly asked between stifled snickers.

“Well if you must know, pink is the new black.” A raised voice from outside spoke out, with noticeable apathetic animosity. But such spite was lost on the pup who was rolling back on the floor laughing. Dylan tilts his head to try and make sense of what he was looking at.

And a procumbent pup was smiling behind them.

Chapter Text

It was weeks before Christmas.

And all through the house.

Every creature was stirring.

Including the mouse.

Well it’s more like one really tired pup but he sure was trying his best to be quiet like one. Keyword be trying.

It all starts out with getting the mail. A buzz from the doggy door and out comes Dipper the dalmatian, tired, sleepy, and not ready for such a brisk December morning. What better way than a nice fresh pile of snow thrice your size for a wake up so early in the day. The tiny pup pops his little head out from the overwhelming snow bank with all the disdain you’d think you’d have with frozen water dumped on you. Naked. He pulls out the correspondence in his left paw, the parcels crumpled under the sudden weight.

“Rasafrasin-” He grumbled.

He turned back to head inside, holding a paw against the scanner.

*BEEP*

A jet of water douses the pup, an already cold dog now even colder with exposure. And so is the mail.

Dipper pops up again, soaked, shivering, and fuming. His pawprint was registered, why’s it borked up now?! He takes a look at his paw only to deflate. Wiping some snow that had covered his pad on his dredged coat, the pup tried again, this time the scanner went green. The dog’s forehead stayed red.

In he goes, with waterlogged mail.

At least the inside was warm. Dipper dries off as a dog usually does, by shaking the body vigorously. 

Benefits of being in a canine household.

As for the rest of said household, everyone was enthusiastically preparing for the holidays, a joviality that Dipper was not sharing, not one bit. Pups running around hanging popcorn garlands and colorfully assorted dog themed ornaments, some even seemed freshly painted. All this while singing their doggy version of Trim Up the Tree while trimming up their own tree. D.J. pressed a button on his keyboard to bring the accompaniment.

" Trim up the tree with Christmas stuff! Like tennis balls and chew toy fluff! "

" Trim up the house with canine yums! And kibble bits and crumbs! "

You get the idea. Like hell am I writing the rest.

While toweling the mail to dry, as well as distract himself from the earworm playing in the living room, Dipper feels the call of nature…well, calling. Dude needed the lou like now. Unfortunately,  when reaching for the dog hook he had left in the drawer not even minute ago to get the mail, he was met with open air.

"What the-?!"

The pup searches frantically for his handicap, although it doesn’t take long to find it.

A rambunctiously tomboyish pup was swinging to and fro, making sure the top of the tree was as decorated as its base. And in her paw, a certain grappling device. Dipper grumbled. 

No use calling out to Dolly, the family was in the thick of their song. Any volume of yelling would get drowned out. Trust the pup, he's tried. Twas also a poor idea to try and get it back from her either.  There's little doubt THAT would end in doing a number one somewhere public.  Local neat freak Dylan probably wouldn't appreciate that seeing as he cuffed one of his other siblings behind the ear trying to do just that at the trunk.

Welp, guess he'll have to go up manually.  Sometimes he wished there was a ground floor bathroom. Shame renovation funds were reserved for home emergencies only, like giant holes that go all the way to the roof.

Thanks Dawkins.

Tiny dog looks up upon the towering stairs.

Been a while since he's gone up by paw.

=+=

By the luck of the stars, the trip was barely successful. Almost made it a swirly when he lost his footing trying to flush. Which was more than he could say for the way back down. Dipper wasn't looking when his paw caught a wet ornament on the first step. Silver lining, the decoration didn't break! Mostly cause it was a squeaky ball. Pretty sure glass ones were banned in the house, ninety-nine reasons say why rubber ones were safer. At least that's what Dipper was trying to tell himself while peeling his bruised face off the hardwood floor. Seems to be peeling his face off a lot of surfaces these days. He would have appreciate doing, a little less.

What distracted Dipper from even more grumbling was the delectable aroma of freshly baked goods. Heading into the kitchen, he's greeted by a mountain of assorted Christmas cookies: snickerdoodles, gingerbread, and mounds of sugar cookies reaching up to the ceiling. And manning the oven was the baker responsible, Debbie-May.

"Oh hi Dipper!"

"Hey May. These the Christmas cookies?"

"Yup! Enough for the whole family!...I hope." She turns back to her adoptive brother to see the pup actually salivating. "...do you want one?"

Realizing that he was, in fact, drooling, the pup quickly wipes his face in embarrassment. "Yes please."

"Well you better take it now while you still can. Mom says I have to let the family know when the cookies are done."

The pup takes a deep breath before bellowing one of the loudest screams Dipper's ever heard.

"SNAAAAAAAAACKS!"

The entire house roars with an ominous rumble. Dipper was in the middle of doing his best to pull a cookie out from the pile without causing an avalanche, till he realized in alarm that there wasn't any more time. It takes all of two seconds of Dipper frantically yanking at the cookie to find out you need to take from the top as you'd be fighting against the additional weight of the other baked goods. The third was when the rest of the family entered the kitchen.

When the sea of spots had been sated and the dust settled, all that's left was a thoroughly trampled pup holding up the last crumb of cookie, and an empty plate. Diesel comes in, licking the morsel right out of Dipper's paw.

"Mmmmmm! Snickerdoodles!" He exclaimed.

And then he ran off to join the family as they resumed decorating, leaving only the pup and the platter.

Dipper justifiably groaned for the third time that day.

He get up to glare at the offending void where treats once were. But luck seemed on his side as the pup spies another tray of cookies up on the counter, untouched! The small dog clamor over, making a makeshift set of stairs out of kitchen drawers, quickly before some other pup comes back for seconds! And just as he reaches for a piece of sweet, delectable festive goodness-

"Ahp ahp ahp! Not these ones!" The cookies are taken away by Debbie-May, who plastic wraps the entire platter. "These are for Santa ."

She leaves the pup behind with cookies in maw. His paw outstretched, grasping for a prize that wasn't there anymore. The dog’s eye twitches, just slightly.

In comes Dylan, slurping his paw like a human licking their fingers. How he did that without getting a hairball was beyond the pup's consideration right now.

"Mmmh~! So glad Debbie-May is baking again!" The pup spots his adopted brother up on the counter. "Ah, Dipper! Did you get a cookie too? Be a shame if you didn't, her Snickerdoodles are just, mmh, so good! "

*twitch *

Dylan licks his lips of any remaining crumbs. "Well! The tree is up! The decorations are set! We keep up this pace, I think we'll be ready for Christmas, before Christmas! Haha! Are you ready for Christmas?"

Dipper's paw clenches into the canine equivalent to a fist.

"...Dipper?" Dylan asked.

If you could hear, it was like a tea kettle was whistling. All which bubbled to a breaking point.

"Christmas?! Bah! Humbug!" 

Then the pup stormed off. Presumably to fume his bad mood away in some corner of the house.

Dylan, on the other hand, took it differently.

His eyes become pinpricks. The pup's paws stammers frantically before he too runs out of the kitchen, into the living room. Dolly noticed her brother's distress.

"Dude! Where's the fi-" Dylan doesn't let her finish the thought as he shoves a paw into her mouth.

"Dolly! We got a Code CC!" He whispers harshly. "We have a Scrooge in the house! I repeat! A Scrooge in the dog house!"

His sister goes quiet for a change. She gives her brother a worried look, sharing the pup's concern.

"I'll get some pups." She confirms.

The two run separate ways, preparing for the worst yet to come.

=+=

"...so, why are we here?" Asked DJ

"Knowing Dylan, just to suffer." Answered Dante.

Dolly interrupted their idle chatter. "Quiet everyone! We gotta Code CC in effect here!" Many of the pups murmur amongst themselves, confused about what that means. She makes way for the eldest brother to have the floor.

"Brothers and sisters! I bring great and terrible news!"

"Heeeeeey, that's my job!" Dante whined.

"Zip it Dante! This is important!"

Dylan clears his throat. "As I was saying, we have an emergency on our paws. There is a Scrooge among us!"

All the other pups gasp in astonishment…right before all collectively tilting their heads in befuddlement.

"Um, does anyone read my annual safety procedures?! I just renewed them last month" Dylan pouted.

Dolly shakes her head in annoyance. "Okay, I don’t read whatever book report Captain Safetypants over here makes-"

"Hey!"

"-but I know what happened last time! You guys remember when Dallas wanted that phone last year?"

Some of the pups were nodding in mild recollection, but most were of the opinion that they didn't recall.

"Well when we told her we couldn't get one, she threw a hissy fit for weeks! And no matter how much Deepak tried, nothing calmed her down!"

"And worse still," Dylan interrupted, "was that whatever foul mood she had, started spreading to the rest of the family! Deepak was swamped with angry pups, it even got to Mum! The situation was so bad it almost canceled Christmas! "

At that proclamation, everyone gasps in horror.

Dolly jumps in before anyone could start a panic. "But this time we're gonna be ready! When we reminded everyone about past Christmas times, everyone returned to being merry and happy and Christmas was saved! Whoever they are, we'll show them the true meaning of the holidays that they'll have to cheer up! Alright Dylan, who's it this time!"

"Dipper."

The room goes silent.

Dolly heavily sighs. She whispers closer to her brother so the rest don't hear. "Really?!" She asked.

"Really! He said the line and everything!"

"Okay, but this is like the first Christmas with the guy. What memory are we supposed to show that'll calm him down!"

"No problems, Dolly! For I have a plan! " Dylan utters proudly.

Dolly gives her brother an incredulous stare. 

"Are you going to do that thing from that really old book you sometimes read around this time of year?"

"Hey! It's a classic!" He whines.

=+=

Twas the night before Christmas.

And all through the house.

Not a creature was stirring.

Not even a m-yeah yeah you get the picture.

A faint blue glow emanates from the darkness of the hallway. Followed by haunting moans of distant yearning. A ghost has come to 101 Dalmatian Street. The foul ethereal being covered in drifting cloth enters the room, approaching a single sleeping pup.

"D~i~p~p~e~r…" the ghost calls. "D~i~p~p~e~r!"

The pup slowly routes from his slumber, groggy from broken sleep. He looks around for the disturbance who dared to interrupt his forty winks before his tired eyes land on the glowing canine floating in the middle of the room.

"I~have~come~for-"

"Dawkins, I know that's you."

The specter pauses.

"I-I~don't~know~who~this~Dawkins~is~but~he~sounds~very~intelligent-"

"You guys are trying to do a Christmas Carol?"

"W-whatever do you mean?! I'm the~ ghost~of~your-"

"I've never met a dalmatian in my entire life before coming to this house."

…

The specter droops. "Oh."

The mysterious ambience stops. Like suddenly. As if someone had pressed the pause button on a recording.

"Yeah, you guys weren't very subtle about it."

The floating dog removes his shroud. "What gave us away?"

"Well for one thing, Dylan seemed very insistent I was the only dog in the room." He recalled half asleep of the oldest pup leading the rest of his siblings out an hour ago. "I knew he was in on this too but your little admission proves it. Who else did he wrangle for help?!" 

Dipper goes to the hallway to take a peek behind the walls.

What he finds was several other pups hiding right around the corners. To his left, Da Vinci, Dylan, and Dante in varying degrees of detailed costumes. Da Vinci had a tiara of two plastic candles and a white gown, another spare light in her paws. Dylan had a holly crown and a cloak of green ivy leaves, a makeshift harvest basket in arms. Dante just had his Ferry dog outfit on. 

To Dipper's right, Dolly stood wide eyed and holding down a rope going up to the ceiling, DJ was right behind her, hugging his trusty keyboard. His paw was held on a button which most likely stopped the ambient sound cue from before.

The tomboy sheepishly chuckles as she lets go of the rope. A resoundingly rough "OOF" went off behind Dipper, letting him know it was her who was holding up Dawkins. Although not anymore.

He turns back to the dressed up dalmatians. "So I'm assuming you three are the ghosts of Christmas past, present, future respectively? And is…is that a traffic cone, Dylan?"

Da Vinci holds up her candle torch to her mouth. "Oh dear." 

Dante puts a paw to his forehead. "Well that's out of the bag now."

Dylan just looks offended. "Hey, you try making a cornucopia on such a short notice!"

"Why don't you ask Debbie-Lee!? She could-" Dipper pinches the bridge of his muzzle. "You know what I don’t have time for this, you lot go to bed. It's Christmas tomorrow."

The pup slowly congregates and makes their way to the stairs.

"Dog dang it! I never get to use this costume anymore." Dante bemoaned.

Almost all the pups made their way up to the upper floors, sans two. 

"Hold it." Dipper called out.

Dylan and Dolly stop in their tracks. Well Dylan did, Dolly tried to scurry off like she didn’t hear him, only for Dylan to grab her collar and pull her back.

The younger, but mostly the most tired, pup looked between the two older dogs. "I'm not angry, it's just-...Why’d you try to Ebenezer me back there?"

"...Ebenezer?" Dolly tilted her head questioningly.

Dipper softly faced paws, it was far too early for the hard slapstick. "Scrooge." He states. "Why were you making me out to be Scrooge?"

The tomboy contorts her face in recognition of the reference, before nudging her brother in crime to speak up.

"Well…" Dylan was star struck as he rubs his newly sore shoulder. "I had witnessed myself that…you were…devolving I to the state of, um…Scrooge."

"How'd you come to that conclusion?"

"You said 'humbug'."

"...oh." Dipper wipes his face of his increasing exhaustion. "Look, I was just having a bad morning that day. Got doused in snow, the mail got ruined, and I didn't even get to have one of Debbie-May's cookies. It was one ti-"

"It’s not just that!"

That got Dipper to shut up. Dolly had interrupted the pup of a misconception.

"It wasn’t just that day." Dylan continued. "We were keeping an eye out for any more signs of…well…you being a Scrooge. You've been…irate recently, even more than usual."

"We thought if you kept going like that, you'd, I don’t know, go off your rocker or something!" The rebel admitted.

The nerdier dalmatian sighed. "I know we…don't know much about your past, but we wanted to remind you of the good times we've had; all the good you've done. The good you've done for the family. We were hoping that would…get you out of your…bad mood."

Dipper looked at the two. Then he looked at the ceiling. He let out a long internal groan, like letting the pressure out of a balloon. Then he answered.

"Sorry."

"Huh?" The two other pups returned befuddled. Shouldn't they be the ones apologizing?

Dipper kept going. "Look, it's complicated. Christmas time has always been…rocky for me. Like I should be feeling happier than I should or something. Honestly, I always get anxious the day before even though I'm not expecting anything. Didn't really ask for presents, heh."

Dylan and Dolly give each other a look, they never got Dipper's Christmas list.

"And the fact that this is my first Christmas…away from my…family, I just, well…*sniff*" Tears start running down the pup’s cheek, who does his best to wipe them away. "God, sorry! Sorry. I know I'm not a stranger here. And I shouldn't be feeling like this. But…it’s just-"

The two embrace the crying dog. Wordlessly and with vigor. There were no words. There was no need.

It became a silent night, indeed.

=+=

"Hold it!" 

The mother of the household demanded. Whenever mom says stop, you don't ask how high, you just stop.

And that's what the family did. Two inches away from dog piling the mountain of gifts that rivaled the tree in height.

Delilah clears her throat. "Now I know everyone wants to dig in to the presents right now-"

"Digging!"

"That's right Diesel!" The nurse chuckles at her child's enthusiasm. "But not quite yet, sweetie. We're doing things differently this year, to avoid…last year's debacle."

"Come now, Honey." Doug tried to reason. "It’s Christmas! Let the pups have their fun!"

Delilah gives her husband a knowing smirk. "Oh don't you honey me Doug! I see you in there. You just want to dive into the gifts with the rest of the pups."

"OoOoOoh, I hope I get a new chew toy this year!" The dad titters excitedly, not even denying his wife's statement.

Everyone shares a laugh, even the very few who weren't as merry.

"Yes yes, Doug! Settle down, we'll all get our presents soon!" Delilah goes over to sit right next to the pile. "Alright, I want everyone to wait in the foyer, when I call your name, you can come and take your gift to the dining room to open." She grabs the closest box. "Now, Danbury?"

The young dog in question cheers for a second before happily heading over to receive their gift. One by one, each pup goes to accept their festive Boon, adding another to join the growing number of lively, package destroying dalmatians. A lone youth canine was hanging back at the stairs, watching idly while everyone else got something. Two of the eldest walk up to the somber mutt.

"Hey, Dipper." Dolly asked gently. "You doing better?"

"...Yeah. I'll be alright." He answered, mildly gloomy, but chipping up.

"Y…you sure?" Dylan still asks.

Pup takes some time to answer. "...positive."

"Dolly?"

The tomboy gives a small leap of joy. "Alright-! Oh! Er…" right before realizing who she was in front of. She gives a guilty smile before quickly heading off to get her gift.

Now with two pups, the duo continue to hang around, idling as Delilah went through every other pup in the house. 

"You know…we could always get you something." Dylan offered." Sure it wouldn't be a Christmas-"

"We both know that would be too socially taxing on the both of us. You guys would have to figure out how to get what I'd want, and I'd have to figure out what I'd even want in the first place."

"Dipper?"

The dower conversation is disconnected due to dog mom calling out the latter's name.

"Did you-?!" The pup asked. 

Dylan shook his head.

Dipper takes a deep breath before slowly making his way to the living room.

"Looks like someone's been a good dog this year! Feels like a whole set in here." Delilah sizes up the present. "Here you go, sweetie."

"...Thanks mom." Dipper takes the gift cautiously, turning to join the rest of the family in the ever-growing pile of scrapped wrapping paper.

The mother smiles. That pup's been working hard this year. He deserved something nice.

Doug comes walking, cheerfully chewing on a new rubber bacon wrapped bone toy.

"Thanks for getting a gift for Dipper, Doug."

*SQUEAK SQUEAK*

"Doug, you know not to talk with your mouth full."

The father puts down his toy. "I thought you bought him that gift!"

"Wait, then where…oh well, maybe the pups got him something nice."

=+=

The pups certainly did not get Dipper this present.

And from what he could hear out of earshot, dog mom and dog dad did not get him this present.

So forgive Dipper for being absolutely suspicious of this mystery package addressed to him.

"Aren'tcha gonna open it?" Asked a pup who was halfway through their own gift.

"...Getting to that." Dipper replied.

Meticulously, the pup takes his time unwrapping his present, like disarming an active bomb. But, with diligence, the canine does finally open his gift. 

And what he finds…surprises him.

A Galaxy S21 smartphone.

With phone case and screen protection. Built in.

…huh.

Oh don’t get the pup wrong, he wasn’t looking the gift horse in the mouth.

It was just…unexpected.

There was a note on the bottom of the box.

Dear son.

…wait.

Dear son,

I am so proud of you! Finding a job all by yourself! I know you’ve been busy with work and all, but I wanted to get you something nice for the holidays. Your phone’s several years old now so I thought an upgrade was due. Now I wasn’t sure where you were relocated, so I just called the office of your workplace. They said that they’ll send this to you and take care of all the adjustments.

We all miss you, but we know you’re just working hard again. Just make sure to take care of yourself.

Hope you’re doing well!

Love Mom.

Dipper’s eyes water. 

He sniffed.

“O! M! D! Did you get a new phone!” Dallas shrieked next to the pup, right out of his emotional episode. She then whispered right into the poor dog’s ear like the diva didn’t just blow out his eardrum. “ Can I have your old one?! ”

Destiny takes exception to this. “Hey! I called dibs on his old phone!”

Dipper, having gotten used to such disregard to personal space, only chuckled. “Didn’t you two and Deja Vu get those new flip phones though?”

“Well it doesn’t hurt to upgrade though.”

“Alright dog and dogettes! Selfie time~!” Cried Deja Vu, pulling the three of us into a hug for a picture. She then takes a look at her handiwork. “We need to take another, I think you blinked Dipper.”

Dipper just smiles.

“Save it for the group photo, girls.”

The four dalmatians head back to join the rest of the family. 

The pup who’s not a pup looks back down at his gift

Thanks mom.

Chapter Text

“Dolly?!? Are you sure about this?!” I yelled, on the precipice of death.

“You’ll be fine Dipper!” Dolly answered confidently from a safe spot. Of course you can say that, you’re not up here!

Now you might be wondering what I was doing that would convince someone who was normally put into so much danger on a daily basis of his untimely demise. It wasn’t from Dante I can tell you that. You stop listening intently after the twentieth serimon of doom and gloom. No, this was definitely from instinct, honed from over a year of life threatening dalmatian antics. So what was this special circumstance that convinced me of my soon to be expiration? That caused the back of my neck fur to stand on end? Well Dolly had somehow convinced me to try skateboarding.

I may be exaggerating.

Hey! You try and step up to a skatepark for the first time in your entire life! I have two which is not nearly enough! The closest I’ve ever gotten to recreational sports is barely learning to use a bike, and I don’t even know how to turn! Fuck the board! I wanna get back down!

How the flying fuck nuts did that hellish mad dog Dylan calls a sister convince me to get up the fun here in the first place?

Probably the same way she convinced him to do the same during the Longest Night episode way back when. I was minding my own business when Dolly asked if I wanted to join her and Dylan at the skatepark, no idea why she would. Obviously I refused, saying she should know about my opinions on outdoor activities by now and thought that would be the end of it.

Dolly took exception to this.

Girl tried to goad a sense of pride in me I never had, calling me a chicken. The Dimitries also joined in. Did not care for that one bit. But as an adult human being in the body of a puppy, I could live with being called worse. Things turned sour for me when I made an off comment after that I didn’t even have a helmet for safety. The family skater proceeds to slap a shako on my unsuspecting chrome dome, saying I could have Dylan’s old headgear, one that happened to have been a perfect fit, before unceremoniously dragging me over to where we are right now.

At the lip of a halfpipe.

Goodie.

What? You think I could have raised my paw and just refused to go? Like an actual adult? HaHA! I would have if I could have.

Had I not been outnumbered two to one.

“You can do it Dipper!” Cheered Dylan.

“And whatever have I done to give you that idea!” I yelled back.

“If I was able to do it, you should too!”

“I remember you almost flopping before! And don’t you even dare Dolly!" I whipped around, pointing out the tomboy as she mysteriously appeared from my rear. "Don’t think I see you getting behind me!...somehow.”  Like a spotted ghost, jezus! If I hadn't caught the movement out of the corner of my eye, she could have come in for the stealth kill.

“Dipper, you’ve gone through far scarier things than a halfpipe. What? Is the itty bitty puppy scared!? ” Dolly mocked.

I tried to be sterner. “That’s not true and you know it, but you should also know my incredible distaste for the outdoors!”

“Oh come on! Just try it!” She begged.

“No!” I refuted. “I can wait here all day if I have to, I’m not moving from this spot. At all!” Was I being a big baby about this? Yes. Was it justified? Maybe yes. Was I gonna be convinced otherwise? By the power invested into this small puppy body, I can kindly tell you to go fuck yourself.

But try telling Dolly that.

The skater takes a step forward.

“...Nooooooo.” I warned.

She puts a paw onto the skateboard. A grin scours her face.

“Dooooooon’t.”

And then she shoves.

I glowered as I’m rolling back. “Oh you mother FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…”

“What was that, something about mom? I couldn’t make out that last bit!” She asked.

“YOOOOOUUUUUUUAAAARRRREEAAAAAAASHIIIIIIIIIIII-!”

“Still didn’t quite catch that bro!”

I don’t even bother with even an unintelligent response as I’m screaming my lungs out. I’m sure I could have given the finite details of my drip down. If I had an inkling of an idea what the fuck was happening to me right now. All I can remember through my high pitched terror session and closing my eyes shut every now and then was several bodily flips, sparks, and the weightless feeling of vertigo as I’m assumedly launched off the pipe. The nightmare ends with a hard thud when the wheels hit the concrete, which I knew when they sent the shockwave up my chin. I was hugging the board the whole time so my face may have been flush with the hardware. Ow.

An unfamiliar third gasp told me I had another onlooker to my extreme sports antics today. Yay, spectators.

“A perfect K-900 triple paw corkscrew! I didn’t think I’d get to see that in my lifetime!”

“Hansel!” I heard Dolly shout from the top.

Ah, so her crush is here. Good for her. And he liked my accidental skater trick. It's nice to know my near death experiences could be admired.

“~Thanks~.” I wheezed. “Gimme a minute to peel myself off this board so we can talk normally.”

The sound of loud velcro echoes through the skatepark, followed by the pained whimpering of a puppy. Christ that stings.

The husky visibly winces. “...I’m…Hansel.” He raises a paw towards me. “Oh, you must be Dipper!”

“Does everyone know who the heck I am already?! I swear my name goes faster than I do around these parts.” I grab the offending appendage and shake back in irritation. “But yes, I apparently am that Dipper. I hope it’s only good things you’ve heard.”

“~Hansel~” Dolly tries to get the canine’s attention, passing by on her reacquired skateboard.

Hansel only chuckles. “Well I’m glad to finally meet you, Dipper. And as a matter of fact, I have!”

“Oh neat!...what exactly did you hear?” I try to clarify. Can’t be too careful what people think of you, even if it’s compliments. Too many people know about your generosity then there’ll be no end to random “friends of friends” asking you favors.

“Hey, Hansel! Check this out!” Dolly comes around again, this time doing a handstand…pawstand. Whatever.

We promptly ignore her.

The husky continued with a slightly confused tone. “Your family speaks wonders about you, I sometimes hear the pups wish they could play with you at the park.”

“Oh! Ok! Good!...Well not that good, I probably should join them there sometimes, huh.” Whoops, train of thought almost left the station. “Sorry, were you here for something?...”

“Right!” Hansel remembered. “Dolly, the Tag Team Derby signups are starting!”

Dolly immediately stops whatever she was doing on her skateboard. “Tag Team Derby! Dylan, come on, we gotta get to the signups or we’ll miss it!” She grabs her brother by the ear before boarding off to the rest of the park, with Dylan’s neglected cries of pain trailing behind her.

“Wait up! We’re coming too!” Hansel exclaimed, although mostly out of earshot of the overeager dalmatian.

“...Tag Team…Derby?” I asked attentively. 

This was new. Sure, the show could only show so much but…ok so I’ve been flying by the strap of my collar since that whole thief incident happened. Can’t fly by the seat of my pants cause I kinda don’t have any right now.

Man, what is with me and pants euphemisms?

“Ya, it’s an upcoming race that all the dogs in the neighborhood are looking forward to this month.” Hansel said. “Come on! I’ll explain along the way!”

The husky turns to follow Dolly’s trail. I joined along with, admittedly with more jelly legs.

=+=

“Originally, the derby was a marathon event. Dogs would race alongside their humans through one big loop around the park, passing various obstacles and trials along the way.”

“I assume the dogs and humans were racing as a two…dog team?” I surmised.

Hansel nodded. “Hence the tag team. Over time though most humans seem to have lost interest since less and less dog’s with their pets participated. Soon it was only us canines coordinating the event so now it’s set up with two dog teams.”

“So what, is it like a six legged race now?”

“More like a chariot relay.” Wat. “Come on, I’ll show you!”

We come across a group of various canines, chattering among themselves energetically. The group seems to be congregated around a lamp post. Wait why a-?

Dolly comes skating in with Dylan dragged along having lost his footing somewhere along the way. She drops her brother like a sack of potatoes before rushing over to the post. She raises a leg and-

Oh. That. Forgot that that’s how dogs signed up for events.

I turn away from equal amounts of disgust and embarrassment of having seen the equivalent of my adoptive sister basically marking territory, making sure I didn’t show either on my face.

“The derby is next week but signups started today so-” Hansel turns to face me. “Dipper? What’re you looking at?”

I chew the inside of my cheek to distract myself.

“Hopefully nothing important.”

“Okay…well I’ve got to get on over there myself. Don’t wanna miss the signups and I don’t even have a partner. Catch you later Dipper!” Hansel heads off to the lamp post, this time I turned away before he raised a leg. Don’t need to see that again.

Well. This has been an interesting event to know about. Dolly seems eager to participate, and good for her! I, on the other hand, am not so enthusiastic. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ll support the girl in whatever competition she gets herself into! It’s just that I’ve never really cared for competition as a whole in the first place.

Hopefully I don’t have to worry about that and is that a speeding puppy coming my way?

“DIIIIIIPPPPPEERRRR!” Delgado cries out.

Oh that’s not a good sign.

“Dude, what’s wrong?!” I asked.

The two legged pup drifts to a halt, panting from exertion. “I need your help!”

“Alright, what is it?!?”

“I’m down a dog and I need someone to race with in the derby! Could you be my rider?”

…

“Dipper?”

I respond with a agitated sigh. “Ok, what’s this about a rider?” I try to deflect from giving a straight answer by asking for more info. Also, rider? I…I really hope it’s not what I’m thinking of.

“It’s how they set up the derby. Two dogs, one team. One dog takes the ‘horse’ and pulls the team. That’s me. The other’s the ‘rider’ who stays in the back, gettin ready for whatever’s thrown their way.” Delgado explains hastily.

“...I assume there’s some form of chariot involved.”

“How’dja know?”

“Hansel told me.”

“Yeah, since humans rarely join anymore, the teams have a transport aid which the rider stays on for the race. Could you spot for me…please?”

*tsssss* “Did…you…ask Dolly if she wanted to race with you?”

The dog wilted “She…won’t join, not with me. Last year we teamed and got dead last. So she’s racing with Dylan now!” His ears lay flat to the sides. “I wanted to be the one to run, but she didn’t let me and we lost.”

Well there goes the second pup I could have fobbed this off on.

“...Did you try Dawkins?”

“He’s agreed to help as a neutral third party with everyone’s chariot. Dog’s out.”

“DJ?”

“He’s one of the announcers.”

“Da Vinci?”

“She’s going to be busy making the banners.”

“...Deeeeeiiiisssslll?”

“Are you going to help ’re not!” Delgado snapped.

I put my paws up in defense. “Ok ok! I’m gonna be honest with you. I am a sore loser. Like THE worst.”

“That’s fine! We just do our best-!”

“Eeeeeeeeeh I’m also kinda a sore winner too, competitions just really don’t sit well with me.” They don’t. You know what a competition is? A single winner while everyone else loses. I once lost a sack race back in kindergarten and was so upset, I ran away into some bushes crying. Sure my mom was able to convince me to come back and sure everyone did another sack race where I won that time (pretty sure they let me win), but my opinions on contests still stuck with me since then. Nowadays, just hearing about sports disheartens me. Yeugh, sports .

And this pup had just asked me to do sports with him.

“But…all the other pups…just want to see Dolly race.” He starts whimpering. 

“Oooooh.” I bemoaned. “...Really?” Yikes.

“Anyone else I could have asked either’ already on a team or wants to see the race. No one thinks I can do it without her. *sniff* " 

Oh geez, I know the pup is all about speed and racing, I just didn’t realize how important this race was to him. Even more so than he had failed once and no one’s backing the poor dog for another.

Delgado starts to turn around, dragging his paws as he leaves.

*CLACK*

A paw holds the two legged dog noisily by the handicap, much to the pup’s surprise.

I inhale deeply through my nose, cause what I’m about to do needs mental preparation.

And I am not going to like it.

“Do you think you can do it?”

“Huh?” Delgado turns back again, more confused.

I repeat with a firmer tone. “Do you think you can do the race? Ignore Dolly, ignore everyone’s opinions. Do you believe you can race?”

He purses his lips. Delgado gives his answer by wordlessly nodding.

“Alright then. I'll trust your instincts.” I resigned myself. “Let’s go sign up.”

The physically challenged pup gasps. An elated gasp.

“YES YES YES!” Delgado pulls me up into a twirling hug, the two of us barely balancing on his wheels and my own back paws. “We got this race in the bag! Come on! Signups are ending soon!” He rushes off, eager to participate. 

Ha, look at him go. A smile graces my face at the pup’s enthusiasm. I know this is going to be more trouble than it’s worth. Always seems to be the case with these darn dalmatians. But…if it means the world to them, then it means the world to me.

A smile that is immediately backpedaled once I see the lamppost again.

“Dipper, come on!” Delgado crops a wheel against the damp post. Damp with liquids of known origin, but something I reeeeeeaaaaalllly don’t want to think about. Aaaaaand I have to do the same.

Reluctantly, I walk up to join the handicapped pup at the lighting fixture, raising a leg with all the shame but mostly disgust from the exhibitionism I’m about to do.

“Just so you know, this is one of the grossest things I’ve ever done in my entire life.” I tell Delgado as I try to avoid eye contact.

“Gross how?” He asked, without a hint of sarcasm.

I whine internally as I just let it happen. 

“Nevermind, dude, nevermind.”

=+=

“And now I present to you, the Wide Accelerated Gauge Gyroscopic Improved Natural Go-cart!”

I stifle a laugh.

“Dawkins, did you make that convoluted name just to call it ‘W.A.G.G.I.N.G’?” That dog sure does love his long labels.

The pup huffs. “I put extensive thought into these acronyms, enough that I am not going to tolerate any insult!”

“Alright, don’t get your tail in a twist.” I backed off. “I’m only joking. You did great work, as always.”

Dawkins puffs out his chest in pride.

“I’m not. That’s too long dude. Like dog am I going to remember all that.” Delgado comes in to burst his brother’s bubble.

“Well, I’d like to see YOU come up with a name then!” Dawkins crosses his paws.

His brother stalls. “Uhhh…”

“I’m calling it the waggin wagon!” I jumped at the chance to throw in my dumb idea.

Delgado gives me a ‘are you serious’ face. “Really?”

“Really really.” I nodded. Well, nodded until it got too awkward. “Ok it’s more of a compromise. Besides, the name’s not that important is it?”

He takes a second to think about it. “Eh, probly not.”

“Right on, my good dog! Now come on, let’s see if you fit in this doohickey.” I motion Delgado into position who, despite not completely agreeing on the naming convention, eagerly set himself up to try out his new setup. 

I turn back to Dawkins. “Alright, so what’s up with these new wheels? Other than the extra set and back platform.”

The newly christened ‘waggin wagon’ was different, at least different from Delgado’s normally daily equipment. It was actually much more similar to his recently built winter gear only with suspensioned wheels instead of sled supports, possessing a back grip that was angled away from where the pup would be saddled. This would aid whoever would be stationed behind the two legged dog, standing on another assortment of back rollers built with a stark white platform step for balance. All in all, the whole thing looked like a brand spanking new hot rod red tricycle, if that tricycle was a four wheel drive and built for extreme sports. Everything was even made with lightweight materials so as to not burden the handicapped pup so much seeing as he’ll be hauling another canine behind him! Also something about how the suspension combined with the axle to give the least amount of resistance while retaining the friction between tire rubber and ground surface. All of this would guarantee that we would become the leanest meanest speed demon machine we could be on that race track in one week’s time.

At least that was how Dawkins explained it to us. 

Not in those words though.

“Ok! Dawkins,” I interrupt in the middle of the mechanic’s meticulous explanation, “as much as I’d like to hear all about the intricacies of how shock absorbers make us go whatever percentage faster, wouldn’t it be better if we could get some kind of practice in as soon as possible? Preferably within the next week?” I asked. Granted I could have worded that nicer but we were burning daylight, which was bad cause we only had so much to prepare for the big event. This pup got no experience and really needs to learn what he just got himself into like yesterday.

The pup creases his muzzle in annoyance, picking up on the tone but carries on anyway. 

“Well if you must know, we’ve covered that as well. I’ve taken the time to also retrofit the backyard with a test course you two can use to train. Come along then.” He heads to the back of the house.

With Delgado now buckled in, we both follow our brother/adoptive brother with waggin 'wagon in tow.

=+=

You know, when we got there, we were expecting things like race flags and traffic cones lining a small circuit around the yard.

What we were not expecting was the aftermath of a warzone.

“So…” I started, gently as possible. “When you said you had this covered, I don’t think we were expecting it to be covered in paw prints.”

My soon to be racing partner was more blunt. “Dude, it looks like all of Camden came through here! What happened?”

Dawkins only sighs. “Dolly happened.”

“Oooooh.” Delgado and I responded knowingly together. 

If there’s one thing you learn about the dalmatian family; when there’s a mess, all roads lead the eldest.

“She and Dylan had the first pass earlier today and, well, let’s just say she was enthusiastic in practice.” Dawkins explained. “That and the rest of the family had been cheering them on.”

“Ah, that makes more sense.” Guess we can’t always blame Dolly for everything, even if she does start most of the nonsensical complications in the first place. But I’m also noticing a distinct lack of said Dolly in the upturned remains of the training grounds. “So where are they now?”

Dawkins walks along the track, putting flags and cones upright as he goes. “At the park, along with everyone else. Dolly wanted to test the actual course after taking her own support trolley.”

“Wait, she got one of these too?” I bumped the wagon to emphasize my point. Why would Dolly of all dogs need a handicap?

The pup smirks slightly. “Despite their relatively similar height and size, Dylan is actually the heavier set between them. Dolly was worried, and I quote, ‘his big stinking butt better not hold me back’ or so I heard.’”

We all snickered at that last bit.

“Aight! Enough faffing around!” Delgado exclaimed. “I’m itching to try this hot rod, so let’s go burn some rubber!”

Dawkins grimaces. “...IIIII’d like for you to refrain from burning the tires, those particular brands were quite difficult to obtain. But yes, better get started.” 

He walks over to a moderately etched-in line within the dirt, hard to see through the clutter of prints but noticeable if you focus. The pup redraws the arbitrary boundary with a paw before motioning us to follow. Delgado is all for it, a cloud of dirt sprays where he once was, having zipped to his brother’s side almost instantaneously. So enthusiastic but that’s to be expected from the speedster. I go to accompany him, taking my spot on the back of the waggin wagon.

…

Hm.

Now that I think about it, this is a precarious position with me standing beh-

NO!

Bad brain! Don’t go there! Fuck is wrong with you!

“Dipper? Is…everything alright back there?” Dawkins asked.

I’m snapped back to reality. “Hm, what?! Yeah! Of course. Why’d you say that?”

“Well…”

“You were major league wiggin’ out really bad for like, ten whole seconds.” Delgado interrupted. “Kinda like the inside of the washing machine!”

I grimaced. “I’m fine, just…had a nasty thought.”

Dawkins gives me a worried look. “Are you getting cold paws already, Dipper?”

“...Sure, let’s go with that.” I cleared my throat. “Come on, let’s go try out these new wheels. Maybe it’d help me get over my nerves.” And to distract from any other horrid imagery.

“Very well then. I’ll go give you a countdown.” Dawkins steps out of the way onto the sidelines.

 I grip the handles as Delgado takes a ready stance.

“On your marks…get set…GO!”

You know you’d think I’d be prepared for this, I mean this isn’t even my first time riding behind the paraplegic canine. Unfortunately the circumstances were different. Last time I had the tiniest tidbit more of a motivation in the form of a danger defying trying not to die to an avian persuasion, as well as doing my civic duty to keep our youngest out of harm’s way. Combining that and about a quarter year’s worth of grapple hook training had made my paw grip hard as welded iron. I had neither of those right now.

“VROOOM VROOOM”

The first thing that happened was my left paw slipping off immediately. It went downhill from there.

“W-wait Delgado!” I cried out.

Shame it fell on deaf ears. Delgado was enjoying this so much that he continued forward despite my precarious state. The dirt and grass flying into my face certainly helped dick all for my situation. It all comes to a climax when Delgado gets to a turn, drifting sharply to the left. This does the trick to greasing my remaining paw right off the bar, sending me careening right into the fence. Seriously, two nickels is too much to experience bodily trauma.

“This rig is awesome! It’s almost like nothin’ at all!” Delgado pants as he sprints. “How’re you doing back there Dipper?…Dipper?”

He slows down at the lack of an answer, finally noticing that there was no dalmatian in the wagon behind him.

“Dude, where’d you go?”

The pup sniffs around for his racing partner, although it doesn’t take long. From the sounds of snickering behind me, I’d say he’s seen my current state of pain. One peel later and I’m on the ground.

“*~Dawkins~*?” I call out with stars in my eyes. “I think those grips might be a little bit slippery.”

Pup in question only chuckles, like his adopted brother wasn’t just in a horrible accident he could have partially been responsible for. “I’m sure the handle grips are not quite the problem, but I’ll see to it that a proper solution is found.” Yeah you better. I slowly roll myself over.

“You gonna be aight?” Delgado asked.

I take a moment to find an answer. Taking a stretch, a familiar set of popping sounds ring.

“Yu~*crick*~p.” I strained. “I’ll be fine…probably.”

“Good. Cause we got track to run. Come on!”

Outside I’m smiling for appearances, inside though…

This is going to be a long week.

=+=

-1 week later-

The fanfare was loud to say the least.

If you had a pair of human ears, you’d hear a whole lot of barking. Dogs of all sizes and octaves, hollering their canine vocal folds ragged, cheered from the massive crowd along with several human owners, or rather, human pets, although their numbers dwarfed exponentially. But enough to call this an official event. 

Various hand painted, well rather paw painted, banners ripped in the wind, a fine testament of Da Vinci’s work in the span of a week. She’s even collaborated together with Snowball to get her human to sell specially made little hand flags at inflated prices, all for cause of course. I think at least half of the proceeds go right back into funding this event or something.

The two humans at the mic stand, assumedly the announcers of this event, were, presumably...indisposed.

Asleep, like I meant sack-of-potatoes asleep, along with the guy who’s got the starting pistol. Geez, I knew this event was mismanaged but this was just neglectful. Well, in their place at the mics were two dalmatian pups, DJ and Destiny, ready to master this ceremony in the human’s stead.

“What’s up, dogs and dogettes! We’re coming to you live at the Thirty Fourth Annual Tag Team Derby, OMD it’s so great to be here! I’m Destiny Dalmatian from the lovable Triple D! And with me as my co-host, you know him as this town's maestro of music, the dog with the deets, and our very own songsmith of a brother, DJ! ”

“Whut up Camden! ”

The crowd goes wild as the barking intensifies.

“As you all know, due to the lack of human engagement, there’s been less and less pet participants to these games. But worry not! For, like, the rules have been loosened so that any two racers can team up! That way, we can actually make this a comp~etiti~oooooooon! ”

“ You said it, sis! ”

…you know, I wonder what the human spectators are wondering, what with two puppies on the microphones right now?

“Ruff! Ruff ruff! Ruff ruff ruff!”

“...Say…you have any idea what they’re saying?”

“Who cares!? It’s two puppies on the mics! That’s adorable!!!”

Oh well, Destiny keeps going with the announcements.

“ And to raise the stakes, we have actual prizes our racers have a chance to win! Brought to us by this year's sponsors: Kanine Krunchies!!! ”

“ Word dog!!! ”

Oh joy! Like I didn’t have enough pressure to win today.

“ Along with these lovely trophies provided and paid for, ” Destiny motions to some pretty impressive looking cups, “ we got some major prizes for the first three teams to get to the finish line! Third place winners get two Kanine Krunchies themed chew toys, each infused with that same Kanine Krunchies taste! ”

“ Kaaa chow!!! ”

“ Second place winners get several bags of Kanine Krunchies new bacon flavored dog treats! ”

“ Oh yeah! ”

Destiny puts a paw over the mic, only for the sound to be muffled rather than muted.

“( DJ! You seriously going to be like that?!) ”

“( …Sorry Dest.) ”

With that Destiny removed her paw and continued on. “And last but definitely not the least, the first place winner gets a month's supply of Kanine Krunchies doggie biscuits! ”

Oof, if the crowd was wild before, they sure were now. This time with drool! 

Gross.

“And now to totes introduce this year’s racers, folks! We’ll be introducing them in order of rider and steed…no idea what horses has to do with this but oh well! First up we have Sid the squirrel and Fergus the fox! ” She goes off talking about several other racer teams, each with strange apparatuses in the shape of pull carts. Good to know Dawkins was keeping his word at being third party support. But I was tuning them out, mostly with the sound of my nervous tapping paw.

“You alright back there Dipper?” Delgado called out.

“Hm what huh?!” I responded skillfully. “Oh yeah, just sport jitters.” Yes…totally that.

“Next up, we got Big Fee and Hansel! ” Huh, I didn't think those two would team up.

“No worries~! We got this in the bag! We’ve been racing for the whooole week and we didn’t even crash!”

“Well that was more thanks to this little thing Dawkins made so...” I pulled against the taut strap holding me from my waist to the Waggin Wagon.

“From the oldest of the Dalmatian family, Dylan and Dolly! ” The MC pups continued over our conversation.

“...anyone ever told you that you worry too much?”

“Eeeeeeeeeh more than I want.”

“And also joining us from the fam as well, it’s Dipper and Delgado!!! ”

Suddenly Destiny called out our names, putting the proverbial spotlight on the two of us. The paraplegic excitedly greets the crowd, waving back while standing on one paw. I, on the other hand, try my best to disappear behind the thin bars of the wagon.

Dolly cooed mockingly as we got called out. “Awww~ does the little dipper have butterflies in his stomach? Don’t worry, those will clear up after you EAT MY DUST!”

“Yeah!-um…what she said!” Dylan attempted to talk smack along with his sister.

That’s cute and all but I had other things on my mind. “Sure Dolly, sure! That’s what I am! Scared!” I uncurled from my stage fright into a scowl at the next contestants. “Among other feelings….”

Dolly also dropped her trash talk to growl at the pair to our collective right. What insultingly greets us was a corgi. Getting a piggyback ride from a stout human with flamboyant hair, sweatbands, and an absolutely garish unitard. Why did it have to be a unitard?

“And up next, another newcomer! It’s Clarissa and!...Hugo? (DJ is that allowed?) ”

DJ just shrugs.

“That can’t be legal…can it?” Delgado asked.

I unfortunately sigh. “Rules have been laxed that any two competitors can join, nothing dictates which roles.”

The pompous pooch just laughs all hoity-toity like. “Oh it’s such a fine day to show the peasantry who the cream of the crop is! They might as well just give us the trophy, right Hugo?”

“Ha HA! I have no idea what is going on, I’m just happy to get in my steps.”

“Yes yes, keep it up! I can just TASTE those victory biscuits already! GahahahAHAHAHAH!”

The four of us dalmatians share a serious look with one another.

“Whoever wins the prizes, we settle with the aftermath, as long SHE isn’t one of them.” I stated.

We all nod on the matter. 

The silent pact sealed in agreement.

“Alright! At the sound of the bang, the derby begins! Racers, start your engines! ”

DJ leans into his cohost’s ear. “ (They don’t have engines, Dest) ”

Destiny whips around back at him. “ (Really DJ! Figure of speech!) ” 

She sighs before returning to the mic. “ Ready? ” Oh shit she’s starting.

“ 3!... ”

“ 2!... ”

“ 1!... ”

*AROOOOOOOOO* 

The two pups cry out right in the sleeping human’s ear. More dogs in the crowd join in, making it a proper howling.

“Zz-nic what?! What! Oh shoot-!'' The humans at the stand were startled, especially the one with the starting pistol, who proceeded to fire it off immediately. The original hosts jumped for a brief moment…right before going right back to sleep.

*POP*

And we’re off!

I brace myself for the sudden momentum as everyone books it. 

All the dog pulled carts wizz past the starting line in a cloud of dust, eager for that first prize supply of biscuits. Many of the older canines zoom ahead of us, including Dylan and Dolly, the latter giving us a raspberry before speeding on forward. Even the ever irritating pompous duo was gaining traction, what with Hugo’s human legs having the length advantage.

While Delgado was running steadily, I could tell he was bummed at our current place in the race.

I placed a paw on his spine for encouragement.

“Pace yourself man. This isn’t a race of speed, it’s one of attrition.” I reassured, remembering what Dawkins drilled into us the week prior…

=-=

“Alright, so the Tag Team Derby can be separated into three different sections from start to finish.” 

Dawkins pulls out an extendable wand from…somewhere to point at a chalkboard full of a bunch of little drawings.

“Christ, not only do I have to remember to hold on for dear life, I have to do things during that?”

“Dipper, shoosh! I’m trying to explain!”

I motion the zipping of the lip.

The pup sighs but continues his explanation. ‘“Think of it as three trials, one for the steed, the rider, and then both together as a team, although not in that order. Are you getting all this Dipper?”

I nod with a pensive face on, my mac stays shut because I’m being a good listener . What was Delgado doing while I was taking the lecture? Laps mostly. Dude knows all this crap already, what with last year’s run and all, despite the loss. So derby class is called for the dalmatian who has the least amount of knowledge on the subject.

“...right. So the first segment of the derby is for the steed, made to test their willpower and discipline.” He points to a squiggly path, decorated with tiny steaks. “Littered along the sides of the track will be multiple enticing distractions of glazed meats held out of a dog’s reach, intending to lead racers astray. I believe they call it-”

=+=

“- The Road of Temptation!!! ”

Oh wait, shoot, Destiny’s explaining it right now, no need to flashback.

So much for being a good listener.

“Can our racers resist these delectable treats?! Looks like we already got some casualties! ”

“ ...that’s dark, Dest. ”

Another muffled flump. “ (DJ?! I’m trying to MC here!) ”

Despite the banter, there were certainly casualties indeed. Several teams had stalled, some completely to a halt, salivating at the dangling meals on strings. This included Dolly.

“DooOOooolly! Keep it together-whoooOAAaaooo!” Dylan stuttered along with his cart, seeing as his driver couldn’t keep a straight path. Looks like someone’s been training their self control.

Which is more than I can say about my own partner.

“Eyes on the road, Waterworks!” 

I smack the pup across the backside, who proceeds to reward me with a surprised yelp and a boost of speed in the right direction. A better state than the broken tongue faucet he was in a moment ago. Same could not be said about his state of mood though.

He looks over his shoulder while sprinting, giving an eye's worth of stink in my direction.

“What?! Don’t look at me like that! You asked for it!”

Delgado huffs in irritation before returning to the track.

After a minute, I could feel the telltale signs of dripping slobber in the wind. 

Another cuff the other way is accompanied by another yelp.

Yeeeeeaaaaah, you’re probably wondering why this dog is being so rough with a handicapped canine when I’m usually an animal lover.

Well…

=-=

“I want you to be rough with me.”

“Ohshi-*oof* Scuse me what?!”

Dude we are in the middle of training, I almost fell off the back here from that double take!

“Okay that came out wrong,” Delgado clarified, “I want you to make sure I keep focused on the race.”

“...Buuuuut isn’t that the reason why you wanted to be the runner? So you’d be the one to focus on running?”

Delgado groans angrily. “No~! It’s-gah! It’s not just that! O’ course I’m gonna be focused on runnin’, it’s what I do best! Blimey! ” He clicks his tongue. “Look, there’s going to be more than us speeding down a dirt path at the derby. Dipper, I need you to make sure I stay that way.”

“I mean what do you want me to do? Smack you across the hindquarters?”

“Do I have your word that you’ll do et?!”

“Ok ok! Fine, yes! I do whatever it takes to keep you on track.”

The pup turns back to the track, somewhat content with my answer.

Probably bite one of us in the tail sooner or later.

=+=

“Stop slapping my tail!” Delgado riled.

“What am I supposed to do over here?! You told me focus, I’m making you focus!!”

“I didn’t think you’d actually thrash me up the backside!” 

“Well you should have been more specific!” I shot back.

“OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOOO!”

An obnoxious laugh halted any more discontent from us as a human with a corgi ran past us.

“Please, like someone of my stature could be enticed by such meager morsels. Oh Hugo~! PUT YOUR BACK INTO IT!”

“Alright my beloved Clarissa~! *huff huff* I’ll go faster just for you~! *pant*” The human picks up the pace, surprisingly so from someone so…stout. Guess being at the beck and call of such a needy little shit corgi can do wonders for the body.

And we’re left in the dust again. Le sigh.

“Dog dang it!” 

“Language.”

“Oh what of it?!”

“Calm down, we’ll catch up to them soon.”

“And how’d you know that?!?”

Ok I’m gonna go ahead and give him that snip cause I know how much this race has been getting to him right now.

I simply take a deep breath.

“Because I know what’s coming up, and I’m pretty sure those two are gonna have a real bad time.”

=-=

“Alright, after the first stretch, you’ll encounter a dual roundabout in the shape of a lemniscate.”

“Lemni-what now?”

Dawkins sighs. 

“A figure eight ?”

“...ah.” 

In my defense, this is probably something most people don’t know about.

*ahem* “For this portion of the derby, you and Delgado must work together to complete the challenge. Within the centers are two automatic ball throwers that will continuously fire off tennis balls in a full 360 degree range. As the rider, your job will be to catch three balls and put them into the basket at the end of the trial area, Delgado merely has to make ten rounds through the course.” 

He motions against the outline of the circuit, no doubt the path we were going to take.

“...That doesn’t sound too hard.” I say hopefully.

Such hopes were dashed when Dawkins shook his head. “The path is slightly slanted so the tennis balls can return, you’ll have to catch on a moving vehicle set at an angle. Plus the steed cannot aid the rider in retrieving the balls while also ignoring any that have already touched the ground, so Delgado will not help you in that case. Neither of you can proceed with the race until both tasks have been completed, so it would be optimal to collect the balls within the ten laps.”

Gob shit. 

“No pressure huh.”

=+=

“Looks like some racers have reached the next stage! Can our contestants pass this course and deal with: The Spheres of Infinity!?! ”

“Who thought up these names? ”

“(I don’t know DJ, humans? I’m going off a prompt!) ”

I ignore the two co-hosts once again as we approach the giant eight. 

Boy, whoever was naming these derby trials was corny, but on point.

There were a lot of balls.

Like, a lot a lot.

Within the centers was a shallow ditch in which the track circled, like a makeshift bowl. A pool of the darn fuzzy yellow spheres lay eternally shuffling, right up until they become an endless fountain flowing from the middle visa pitching machine hooked up to take in from below, firing outwards in random directions. The unnatural incline causes the tennis orbs to slowly roll back down into the pit, renewing the cycle.

Dawkins downplayed the amount.

“Look!” I pointed out amongst the sea of balls.

There, amidst the chaos of tennis player’s nightmares, was the vexatious pet and owner, hobbling along in a rather lopsided gaunt.

“No you oaf, this way! We need to catch the balls this way !”

“Clarissa PLEASE! This is the third hair treatment this month! If this one goes, I can only afford half until next week!”

 It looks like Hugo’s trying to avoid any incoming projectile, but is fighting against Clarissa, who’s yanking at his coiffure like Remmy in Ratatouille. Only with a proverbial rat!

Wonder if Big Fee takes offense to that.

The human finally fumbles, tripping hard before immediately catching his footing. Shame the balls kept going, the two twits were peppered into submission.

“Oh! *thunk* My word! *thwap* Gah!”

“OOF! *Pwap* Impudent- *THUNK* HOW DAR- *BAP*”

Hugo slows down, battered and a lot more bruised than you’d think you’d get from taking several tennis balls to the face. He finally stops, right before slumping to the ground, ass up, as dignified as he seemed.

Clarissa gets up. Seeing her manservant down, she tries to wake the beaten human, only to kind of roll his neck fat over his skull.

“Hugo? Hugo darling, I need you to get up now! I have a race to win! GET UP! GET UP YOU STUPID, DIMMERING BUFFOO-gah!” 

The corgi takes a ball to the face. She then falls over, leg twitching in the air as she takes a dirt nap.

Our wagon zips by. If you were close, you’d hear the laughter of two pups suddenly come and go in a blink of an eye.

“HAHAHAHAHA! Oh my god did you see that Delgado?!”

“Sure did!”

“That was priceless! I wish I got a pic-”

That was when a tennis ball beaned me in the back of the head. 

Karma is a bitch, but she’s a fair bitch.

“Dipper, you okay?!”

“(Gaaah, that stings.) I’m fine, keep going!” 

Delgado returns to the bend, picking up the pace as we make our way past half a round.

Alright, just gotta get three of these fuzzy fuckers. On a moving wagon. That’s running at a constantly changing angle.

Is it hard? Probably. 

Is it doable? 

Well we’ll have to find that out now don’t we?

I grabbed to the left!

But I missed. It hits me in the eye.

Shit.

I grab to the right! 

But I missed! It hits my other eye!

Shit!

In a desperate attempt, I take a mighty leap for one heading in my direction!

I take a tennis ball to the snoz.

“SHIT!”

“Language!” Delgado smirked.

“Oh don’t you start with me!” I rubbed my sore snout. “I’d like to see you try catching these darn f-suckers! God, it’s like there’s a magnet on my face and the balls are iron laced.”

The paraplegic pup had the gall to chuckle. “You have to catch it!”

“Oh yeah! Like I haven’t caught these to the face enough!”

“No, you’ve been taking them to the face. Use your teeth!”

“What do you know about catching anyways?!”

“It’s what I was doing LAST time when I was the rider!”

…oh right, he did, didn’t he…in hindsight, that’s a really dumb thing to ask a dog, especially an athletic one at that.

Another pair of dalmatians come in, quickly riding right next to us.

“Is Dipper having a hard time catching a tennis ball~!” Dolly taunted.

“Want your big brother to show you how it’s done? Watch!” Dylan opens his mouth.

In which he’s then belted by a barrage of tennis balls.

It was quite humorous so watch!

It’s less humorous when he gets back up with all three shoved in his cheeks. 

The pup pumps both paws in the air as Dolly speeds off to the lap bucket. No! NO! Don’t put your paws in the air like you just don’t care! I care! I care a lot! Great, now all they have to do is zip off and do ten rounds uninterrupted. And I haven’t even gotten one!

“Dipper! We’re three laps in, if you’re gonna fetch, now’s a good time!!!”

Fine, I’ll go catch it with my teeth .

Time to wait for a chance as the balls wizz past my ears. One comes flying right at my face in an ark. I, on instinct, close my eyes shut, opening as wide as I can.

…

Have you ever had a bristle on your toothbrush fall out? You know, if you use one for too long and the brush starts coming off, worse if it happens inside your mouth? Yeah. Does not feel good. 

Now imagine a FIST SIZE version of that.

“You got one!” Delgado cheered.

I immediately spit out the offensively tasting tennis ball, which I still regretted because now I’m holding a saliva covered tennis ball instead of tasting it. Blech.

One down. Two to go.

We keep on forward as Dolly and Dylan speed on ahead, making their round unimpeded. Turns out I’m still bad at fetch, the first catch was actually a lucky shot. By the sixth lap, I was able to procure the third and final tennis ball we needed, but by the seventh, our competing family had ran on ahead to the last stage of the derby. Other teams were entering the figure eight for the first time. Once I deposited the tennis balls, Delgado made a mad dash to finish our remaining rounds. Honestly, I was grateful for the brief break the last three laps gave us, admittedly a short one.

Cause I wasn’t looking forward to the closing bit.

=-=

“Dipper! I need to tell you about the last part of the derby!”

“Wait, I’m sorry, why’d you hold it off on that until RIGHT BEFORE THE RACE!?!” I yell over the crowd.

“...I…forgot.”

“OH YOU FORGOT!”

“Look! The last part is a flag catching rally!” Dawkins tries to balance on two feet, with a smaller chalkboard in his paws. “You have to get a total of six flags scattered across the final stretch before finishing the derby!”

“Ok, they’re stationary, should be easier than flying tennis balls!”

“B-but you don’t understand! This is the most difficult part of the race! It’s-oof!” The pup lands forward, it’s what you get for trying to run on two with a chalkboard as a quadruped. He kept trying to yell out his explanation but the numerous dogs barking drowned it out, it seemed like it was very vital to know if I wanted to complete the race.

Shame I didn’t quite catch that last part.

=+=

“ Looks like we have some more teams coming into the final stretch! But can they get through the deadliest path ahead of them in: The Trail of Deceit?!?!? ”

“... Wait. Destiny…have you been making up these names? ”

Destiny just cuffs DJ behind the ear. At least that’s what it sounds like over the com system.

But I had bigger problems than an earworm argument.

“Delgado, what can you tell me about the last part of the Derby?!” I urged.

“It’s *huff* another test, for the rider this time *pant*. Six flags, brought to the finish line, two colors each *wheeeeeze*.” The pup gasps, the race taking a toll at the final stretch.

“...That’s it? Six flags, two per color?” I’m…starting to fail to see how hard this is.

“It’s *hoof* what put me and Dolly in last place.”

I take a moment to try and understand how that could happen. Why would picking out flags be so hard? Was it a dog thing? I’m still pondering as we come up to the next area.

As I assumed, as well as from the brief moment that Dawkins showed me at the beginning of the race, it was just as expected. Several thin cylinders holding a colorful array of flags littered the track in a cross matching pattern. And about a hundred yards away, the finish line. 

God damn it! Dolly and Dylan are probably on their way with their flags! I know it's still the family that’s still winning but those two canuckle heads would lord it over us for weeks ! And I can’t let them do that to Delgado, the pup would be so heartbroken. We gotta-

No wait, hold on, those two are still at the flags. Looking for…something?

“Dylan~, come on!” Dolly griped. “What’s taking so long?”

“I-I can’t tell them apart! Oh my dog they all look the same!”

…What?

“Delgado, whaaaaat are they talking about?”

The pup takes a moment to catch his breath. “All, *pwuuuuu*. Okay, every dog that does this has trouble picking out the flags. It’s…the reason why me and Dolly got dead last. I couldn’t pick out the flags fast enough before the other racers swarmed. When the dust settled, everyone had made it past the finish line.” He whimpers a little at the memory.

Too bad I didn’t see the problem. 

“Why’s that?”

Two legged dalmatian’s head shoots up, having some kind of epiphany.

“Hold on. Dipper, what are the colors of the flags?”

“Orange-yellow, yellow, and yellow-green. Why?”

“You can tell?!”

Fuck you mean tell? It’s…

…

Wait.

“Go!” I shouted.

“What? Dipper, did-”

“Just go!”

Having been told twice, Delgado books it.

“Looks like Dipper and Delgado have figured something out! ”

…what’s that? You want an explanation? Didn’t quite catch it the first time? I thought it was obvious but alright then!

Dogs are color blind.

Now the blindness is not quite that they can’t see certain colors like they’re grayed out. It's more like there’s no shades of red, only either yellow or blue. Kinda what you get with only two eye cone thingies instead of the human three. Now while the Dialis co. got the family a longer lifespan, they were still dogs, with the same dog biology they got from birth. I , on the other hand, or paw in this case, am a genetic abomination. They made sure I was basically a human in the form of a dalmatian puppy as close as possible. Guess who’s got three eye cones and can tell the difference between his yellows.

We zoom past our siblings, leaving them in dust.

Dolly hacked up some dirt. “*cough* What?”

No time to savor the rivalry, I have flags to catch.

“Left!”

We take a sharp forty five degree turn to the first flag cylinder.

I reach out and grab two flags.

Both orange-yellow.

Good start.

The shuffling wheels on axles frantically squeaked behind us. Sounds like the older pups are figuring something out. We need to go now .

“Far right!”

We bend hard around the pole to the other side of the track.

Plucked two more.

One yellow and one yellow-green.

“Mid pole!”

We center ourselves on the road, banking left of the reciprocals.

Single this time, yellow.

“One more!” I pointed at the last yellow-green we needed. 

Delgado speeds on forward, closing in on our target. Once we get this flag, it’s a straight shot to the finish line. This is it! We could do this! We could actually WIN! My paw reaches out for the pennant.

Only to feel the cloth whiff pass a claw, just out of my reach.

Time seems to slow, my mistake becoming more agonizing every millisecond that passes. Out of the corner of my eye, Dolly and Dylan were coming closer in a dead sprint. Dylan's got a mess of flags in his arms and mouth, aiming for quantity over efficiency, which would qualify for the end. They’d pass us soon. We’d lose, and Delgado would be proven wrong.

NO.

With every exhausted muscle in my legs I dive for the flag. My arm, strained from holding onto the waggin wagon, stretched past the limit, just to get even half an inch farther. Fraught, sweat inducing effort, that was rewarded as a paw wraps around a metal rod.

Along with the sounds of tearing polyester.

Upon later inspection, Dawkins deduced that the strap had taken too much strain during the tennis balls that I didn’t notice the band practically ripping at the seams. Me jumping for the flag was enough to split what was left of the bond. For a full second, I had been effectively free floating airborne.

Last second instinct darted a foot under the handle bar, causing the most agonizing strain on my most under appreciated muscles and nerves. 

But it was enough to keep me tethered.

“GUN IT DELGADO!” I yelled, ignoring the pain. Didn’t even check to see if he heard.

But it was enough.

Man, if you thought he was fast before, the pup was definitely giving a hundred and ten percent now. It took every single tendon in this small dalmatian body to curl my body towards the backseat. I collected all the flags together, putting the bundle into my muzzle to bite down, hard. It certainly helped work through the agony. Tears were squeezed out of my eye sockets as I closed them shut while gripping the bar with my whole body. Couldn’t even see past the dust, only by the sounds of the speakers told me all that was happening.

“Dipper and Delgado are making a mad dash to the finish line, but it looks like Dylan and Dolly are hot on their tails!”

Oh god I can’t bear to watch! 

Which is good that I can’t!

“Can they make it to the checkered band? Or will they be eating doggy dust! It’s paw to paw, neck and neck! Looks like it could be a photo finish, folks! ”

Keep it down, Dipper!

“It’s!...IT”S!... ”

Keep it down daddy!

*ZOOOOOOOOOOM!*

“And it’s Dipper and Delgado, sliding in at second place, dogs and dogettes! ”

…funny, that doesn’t sound like first to me.

“Coming in third is Dylan and Dolly, riding right behind them, Bringing this year’s Tag Team Derby to a spectacular close! OMD! Give it up for the WINNEEEEERS! ”

A sea of dogs bark and holler for the champions.

At least, that’s what it should have felt like.

Releasing my death grip against the wagon, I dropped down into my wagon seat, spitting out the flags and the nasty metallic taste they left. 

“The heck? Who got first?” I asked.

No seriously, I didn’t even notice anyone had gone in front of us! They would have had to have been so far ahead that we never met on the track!

I look over to the winner’s circle to see who were the two dicks that could have possibly stolen first. Looks like one of them is ogling the trophy while the other is happily munching on a bag of kibble.

It’s. 

It’s!

Big Fee and Hansel?!

SONOVA-

….Hmmmm.

I…guess that makes sense. Big Fee wouldn’t have any problems with the first or last part of the race, being a rat and all. It also looks like she took Hansel through the ringer, the husky’s been rubbing his backside while munching on that victory kibble. They probably never even lost any speed at the first pass.

…

Wait, that doesn’t even matter right now.

“Delgado? You ok?” I asked. Pup hasn’t moved since he slowed down for the finish line. It’s…kind of concerning. I gently put a paw on the dog’s shoulder. “Sorry we…couldn’t get first. But…we did our best, right?” 

Delgado doesn’t respond at first.

Then he responds by reaching over my back to grab my shoulder.

“...are you KIDDING!” Dude proceeds to climb on my head with wild elation and glee. “We got second! WE got second! HaHA!” Guess rank wasn’t so important huh.

I would have been happier for the both of us, had he not put his entire weight into the embrace. And by entire weight that included the waggin wagon too. We immediately drop into a two canine dog pile, with my face being the foundation. As usual.

“WOOOO! Oh my dog, I can’t believe we actually did it!” Delgado cheered.

“Mthath great mmn, buth can you geth OFFTH MEE MNOW!” I said, through dirt. I’m surprised my face isn’t flat by now with how many times I’ve planted it.

“Oh, right yeah.” He quickly hops off. “My B, dude. Come on! Let’s go get our trophy!” The pup peels me off the ground before practically dragging us to the winner’s circle.

Once there, we’re greeted by the other champions of the derby on a numbered set of stands: Big Fee and Hansel were at the highest step, while two other dalmatian pups had taken third place.

“Way to go, Delgado! You too Dipper!” Dolly exclaimed.

“Oh now you’re civil” I called out. “What was up with all that smack you were throwing around during the derby?!”

The pup tries hard to hide her guilt. “Yeeeaaahhh, I can get real…aggressive during races. No hard feelings?” She offers a paw in reconciliation.

A paw that I don’t take just yet. “Tell that to your brother. Way I heard it, he wanted to do this darn thing with you first. Something about you not believing in him or whatnot.” I…might have put a little bit more bite into that last remark. Dolly flinches.

“Dipper!” Delgado hissed.

“No, no he’s right.” The older pup turned to her younger brother. “Delgado, I’m sorry. I was just so frustrated things would turn out like the last…and well…I should have trusted you more.”

The younger dog reassures the apologetic canine. “Hey, it’s okay, I was too. I just really wanted to race with you again this year, we worked hard to get here, right? Maybe…next year though?”

Dolly smiles. “Yeah, next year…I’d like that.”

Delgado smirks. “Showed you what for, didn’t we?”

Tomboy merely punched her snarky sibling in the shoulder.

“Yeah, you guys sure did!”

All three of us turn to Dylan.

“W-what?” He asked.

“Why were you so belligerent?” I asked. “Dolly’s competitive, what’s your excuse?”

The pup raises a paw to defend himself.

Then lowers it in defeat. “Guess I get aggressive during races too.”

We all share a laugh together.

“Alright fam! It’s time to give out the ~prizes~!” Destiny and DJ came in with two shining cups and other various dog goods in tow. “First place was already given out cause they got here a while ago so they’ve been staying for the photo. Now it’s your turn!”

“Delgado. Dipper.” DJ raises a paw in a fist. “Nice job getting second. Knew you’d win something.”

“Sup DJ.” I paw fist bump the chill pup back. “Thanks for the faith.” He nods.

“Now I know it ain’t gold,” the two co-hosts push the trophies our way, “but these are pretty fine cups, if I do say so myself. That’s the Triple D guarantee!”

“Thanks Destiny.” I chuckled.

The diva continued bestowing. 

“And for you.” She hustles a brightly colored bag to Delgado. 

“And for you!” After which, she jams two chew toys into Dolly and Dylan’s mouth.

Delgado immediately opens the bag, shoving a paw in to pull out several morsels and popping the pawful.

“Mmmmmm~ bacon~!” He then holds the bag out for the rest of the family to take and savor a treat. The packet stops at me and my dumb expression I was holding.

“Ah…”

“Come on, try one! I know you don’t like dog food for some reason, but these are good!” Delgado encourages.

Well ok~. I reach in to take a piece, before consuming the nibblet.

Mmmmmm. ok that does taste like bacon, maybe a little saltier.

“Okie dokie! Time for the champion SELFIE~! On the count of three, everyone say der~by!”

We all share a smile, at a race well won.

Despite the outcome.

“DER~BY!”

*FLASH*

Chapter Text

The sounds of gentle chimes.

Gentle wind blowing past my ears.

Fresh air gracing my nose.

Breath in.

…

Breath out.

…

“Meoowaoowaoow.”

Sigh.

I opened one eye. “Ya know Deepak, wouldn’t we find enlightenment when it’s a little more…quieter?”

The meditating pup continues his tone in an attempt to keep his trance.  “The path to true enlightenment can start from any step. One must not be troubled by minor distractions.”

“Your insistence to mimic a feline’s cry sounds isn’t just a minor distraction dude.”

That one did break the pup’s mental state, getting an irate harrumph out of his muzzle.

“Dipper, you asked me how I keep myself calm so I’ve shown you my methods. We’ve been trying for hours.” He opens his eyes. “What were you expecting?”

My muzzle returns a sigh of exasperation. “Dunno. Just…wanted a way to calm down.” I get up to head inside.

Deepak gives me a worried look. “...Is everything alright? Are you having troubles?” he asked as I opened the door.

To which I proceed to get a face full of wet kibble.

Laughter could be heard from inside. Specifically from three rowdy boys and a rambunctious rebel.

“Among other things.” I reach my perishable covered head through the doorway. “Dolly! The dog food’s supposed to go in the bowls! To feed the family! Weaponized kibble pump is for emergency purposes only!”

“Nah dude! I am feeding the family!” The tomboy retorted. “You just never eat from the bowls, so I decided to give it to ya directly!” The Dimitries chuckled again.

I can feel the kibble practically boil off my fur.

Deepak slowly walks up behind me. “Has…Dolly been doing this for long?”

“Juuuuuuuust recently.” I wiped as much of the expunged dog food off as I could. “She gets me once while I wasn’t looking and now every meal time is kibble facetime. Every time I try talking to her, it’s BAM, here’s your meal. When I tried avoiding her aim, she recruited the Dimitries to help. Since I couldn’t exactly make them stop, I thought I could change my own mindset on the whole situation. *sigh* Shame that didn’t work either. No offense.”

He doesn’t say a word in response for the moment, just the both of us content in letting what's left on my face drip off. Then the pup swiftly brought his paws up to my temples and started massaging. For a second I wanted to swat away the unwanted contact, but instead, I melted in place with relief as Deepak worked his magic. Say what you will about the ying yang-nine, dude knows how to work out tension.

“Better?”

“Better.” I say with my tongue hanging from my mouth (embarrassingly enough). “Thanks man.”

“Happy that I could help.” He starts heading in, making sure not to step in the spilled kibble. “If you ever need that new perspective, my yoga mat is always open.”

I’m left alone, with the dripping kibble and my thoughts.

Calm thoughts.

Calm thoughts becoming not calm.

Thoughts about how to NOT get dog food to the face.

I can’t seem to convince the tomboy to stop pranking my ass, I tried, multiple times. So problem solving would dictate I should find a way to prevent myself from being dog fooded. But how?

Get a full face helmet like Dylan’s space fish bowl? Nah, I’d still have to eat and taking kibble through a straw somehow sounds even more unpleasant than eating without. Plus it wouldn’t stop the assault anyways, I’d still get food in my face even if it’s not actually on my face.

Maybe bring a shield? But then I’d have to be on guard everywhere I go in the house. If it was only one pup out to gank my ass sure, but four at the same time?! I don’t think anyone has the ninja reflexes under their skill belt to handle all that 24/7. You’d have to be like…some kind of Kung Fu master or whatever.

…

Hmmmm.

Kung Fu…

I think I have an idea.

=-=

“Alright, what are we testing today?” I asked Amio.

What? Did you forget I got a job ? Yeah, no really. I mean sure I don’t actually go to the Dialis building to clock in and all, I got special circumstance baby! With me being a dalmatian pup, it’s not like I can go in to do the daily grind, like a normal person would . So I work here, remotely at 101 Dalmatian Street. Lucky lucky.

How?

Well…remember that wondrous miracle room that made puppy dreams come to life? Which also happens to be part of, as well as located in, one of Dialis’s massive testing facilities? No? Well that’s what’s under the house, like a skyscraper but upside down and under the metro. They got this spiderweb tram system underneath London’s own subway that connects directly to the main labs, so they deliver any and all experimental material immediately in unmarked containers. Kinda like real life loot boxes!

As a game designer by trade, I absolutely loathe the fact that I made that reference.

Sooooo what do we have to experiment today?

A robot arm takes out what looks like some kind of one sided earpiece from the crate.

[For this test, we would like for you to try out our latest in educational technologies! This delightful little item allows access to any informational database remotely, taking only a moment to compile the entire server. Once downloaded, all stored information will be converted into a combination of audio and electrical signals which is transferred directly into the brain.]

“That…sounds invasive. I know I ask this every time but…did you guys check if there were any side effects? Before trying live subjects?”

Amio laughs. I didn’t know AIs could do that.

[We have already made sure there were no long lasting adverse reactions on humans as the effects are temporary. The main lab has reassured me that this device is completely safe!]

Oh good! My brain won’t get cooked!...wait.

“You used this on humans already?! Then why do you need to test this on me?”

[Your unique physical circumstances can give us valuable data for users with unusually abnormal brain chemistry!]

…Thanks Amio.

“Alright then.” I take the headset and try to fit it into my floppy dog ear.