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Tubbo is a mess.
Not the usual, he just rolled out of bed at noon because he played CSGO for nine straight hours in the evening, kind of a mess. Not because of his fucked up sleep schedule or how he forgot how he poorly maintains his overgrown hair. In fact, he actually got a nice haircut, wore his best clothes and he even trimmed his nails clean. He has never looked this good and so prepared for an occasion since he attended his cousin’s wedding two years ago.
This occasion is a date.
Or more accurately was a date.
Tubbo is a mess now, not just because he’s drenched from head to toe due to walking in the rain, why wouldn’t he be? But also because Tommy wouldn’t fucking pick up the phone, he is supposed to be his fail safe when something ever goes wrong.
And something definitely went wrong.
He could still feel the tingling sensation on his lips, could smell her fruity lip gloss aftertaste. He wiped it off with the back of his hand while raindrops collected on his lashes, mixing in with the tears so no one could tell them apart.
Tubbo is haywire, at war for control over his own mind and body because he’s gotten breathless and his thoughts were jumbled. Not to be overdramatic, but he wanted to scream and tear his own hair out and punch something all at once.
But such acts would take so much effort, and he reserved the last few ounces of his energy left to answer the phone once Tommy finally, finally (thank fuck) rings him back.
“Toby? How did it go? Did it went well?!”
Tubbo almost felt bad that he was gonna break Tommy’s uncontainable excitement here. He wished he could lie to himself that it went well and maybe he’d sound more convincing.
But his silences speak louder than words ever can, and Tommy immediately could tell.
That’s their thing. That’s always been their thing. Wilbur used to tell them how creepy it was how they understood each other, telepathically communicating through their eyes.
Though with eyes gone, Tommy relied on the faintest of sniffles Tubbo couldn’t cover with his free hand.
“Tubs, where are you? Do you want me to pick you up?”
He would have laughed and called Tommy dramatic for his sense of urgency if he wasn’t on the verge of another breakdown, following the fresh coating on his tear streaks.
Tubbo nods his head, which is silly because Tommy can’t even see him anyway. Yet, he hears the hasty shuffling in the background. Socked clad feet running on wooden steps, closing doors and jangling keys. He knows Tommy is already outside right now, climbing in the driver’s seat.
“Tell me where you are. I’ll be there soon.”
Finally, from his lowly stupor with his chin tucked on his chest, he looks up.
His eyes widened for a second.
He clearly wasn’t paying attention to his surroundings to somehow end up in the middle of a desolate park when he was just right outside the restaurant. He should have known right away now that he could feel the way his shoes squeaked from being wet with the strong smell of grass permeating in his nostrils.
“Toby?”
Somewhat startled by Tommy’s earnest voice, he tells him where he is, or at least, to where he thinks he is. Because despite living here in Brighton for almost a year now, he still isn’t very familiar with the area. Goddamn it, why did he think going on this date was a good idea? Why did he let his friends talk him into this?
He had answers to those questions, but he doesn’t want to dwell on it or else, he’s only promising to break his own heart again, as if living with the blond boy isn’t torture enough as it is.
Pathetic is what he should call himself. Here he is panicking over something so trivial and forcing his best friend to come pick him up. He thought sitting down on a bench in a park while the rain got heavier only happens in early 2000’s music videos, yet here he is mimicking one as he lets the cold seep through his body, relishing on the shivers and the clattering of his teeth. Because that’s much better than this anxiety that shakes his core and pounds his nerves into dust.
Fuck his life. How is he going to explain himself to Tommy? Now that’s another problem by itself. It would just be ridiculous. He would get made fun of, and honestly? Tubbo thinks he deserves it.
“… Toby?”
The soft whisper of his name grabs his attention before the umbrella shielding him from the rain can. He twists around, surprised that Tommy is already here, standing behind him with a worried look on his face.
Immediately, he abandons all worries to throw his arms around him while Tommy catches him back with one arm around his shoulders. Extreme relief washes over Tubbo that makes him cry a bit for the second time. He doesn’t even bother to try and hide it. His best friend just has that effect on him.
Oh, how calming it was to feel his warmth and smell his faint citrus fruity and cheap detergent scent. He could stay there forever if he could. But they’re under the pouring rain and he had to step back.
“I’ve made you all wet. I’m sorry.” He sniffles, wiping at his own eyes as he blushes from embarrassment.
Tommy doesn’t seem to mind it, flinching when he brings up a hand to cup his cheek, wiping the stray tears away with his thumb.
“That’s okay,” The blond spoke in a soft undertone before looking around. “Why were you out here anyway? You could have stayed at the restaurant and waited for me there.”
Tubbo shrinks with a bit more shame as he remembers what happened. He hugs more of himself, not to shield away from the cold, he looks away.
“… I can’t.” Staying meant enduring what happened and pretending he’s okay with it, which 100% he’s not. He’s not about to give the girl any false hope.
“Alright,” There’s no judgment in Tommy’s tone, just confusion. “But we should probably get out of here. You’re gonna catch a cold, mate. And sick Tubbo is a handful to take care of.”
The most he could give at the moment is a sharp exhale from his nose, it’s the closest to a laugh Tommy is going to receive but he’ll take it. At least they could still joke around.
The umbrella isn’t really big enough to cover two people, especially when one of them is over six feet tall. But Tubbo thinks it’s okay. It’s more than okay when Tommy wrapped his arm around his shoulders so they could fit, more than okay that he could huddle freely on his warmth with an excuse of being cold…
Unfortunately, they climbed in the car too soon for his liking as Tommy adjusted everything.
“Oh, here.” Tubbo watched as Tommy took off his hoodie and handed it over. “You’re probably cold.” Then, proceeded to use the seat warmer.
Tubbo sighs in relief, accepting the ball of fabric with a small thanks. It’s the pastel yellow one, the hoodie that Tommy likes lounging around in with when he decides to camp around their living room. It’s pretty normal on the blond, but quite large for him.
He gets immediately assaulted by his scent and Tubbo burrows more of himself around it like it’s the most calming thing in the world.
“You should get some rest.” Tommy suggests.
And Tubbo snorted. “Tommy, we’re only a few minutes away.”
The blond blushes, much to his amusement, now pulling away from the driveway. “Well, I don’t know. I thought you might be tired from all the walking.”
It’s endearing, really. Tommy has a way to make things light-hearted, even unintentionally.
“You’re bad at this.” He pointed out teasingly.
“Shut up! I’m trying, okay?”
Tubbo smiles for the first time since he left the restaurant. Tommy doesn’t really need to try, his mere presence is comfort by itself. He doesn’t need to do anything to put him at ease, these extended efforts just makes him grow with fondness.
For the next couple minutes, they don’t talk, which Tubbo appreciated. He needed to get his bearings for what’s about to come, and explaining himself is one of them.
Tommy would probably be okay without it, say something along the lines of “You don’t have to tell me anything” because he’s just the best fucking person like that, but he wants to tell him. It would put him at so much ease that the blond is there for something so delicate to him.
And so, as soon as they arrive at their shared home, Tubbo drags them to their kitchen, holding Tommy by the wrist and not letting go once they stand by the island counter, facing each other.
“Do you want me to cook you some food? Maybe some soup or tea?” Tommy asked, thinking that’s the purpose for dragging him here, going into his full on great housemate mode.
Tubbo immediately shakes his head before taking a deep breath to steady himself.
“No, Tommy. I just—I need to tell you what happened before I back out… Promise me you won’t make fun of me?” He chews at his bottom lip nervously, which only makes the blond more confused.
“Why would I make fun of you?”
He’s not taking any chances. “Just promise me.”
“Okay, okay. I promise. I won’t.”
Right. Okay.
Tubbo takes a deep breath, meeting Tommy’s worried gaze head on before the small courage that he has left disappears.
“She kissed me.” He tells him, desperately latching onto his resolve, not wanting to think about it. “She kissed me and I didn’t like it.”
“You didn’t like it?”
More than that. He hated it, even.
But not the girl. She had no idea and the feelings that came with it are only hitting him now like a tidal wave, while he’s facing Tommy.
“Yes. I-It’s not like she forced herself on me or anything like that. I think I gave her a strong impression but… I don’t think I could ever like her like that… Or anyone for that matter. So, why would I kiss someone I don’t even… You know? It’s not—that was my first kiss and I didn’t like it. I panicked…”
God, it was much more ridiculous and pathetic hearing it out loud. He sounds like a total fool complaining about his first kiss at fucking eighteen. He’s not some child anymore, he’s literally an adult.
It was only a kiss. It was just a kiss. He shouldn’t get all worked up over it.
And yet, he still screwed his eyes shut, trying to forget it ever happened, like that would erase the event completely.
“Toby…” There’s a soft look in Tommy’s face that squeezed at his chest. “Did you really think I’d make fun of you for this?”
Shame fills him.
“Maybe? You were so excited I even went on this date and I blew it all up.”
Disappointment mixes in with shame and it’s not a pleasant feeling as he cringes, remembering how Tommy bounced around him when he mentioned about the date, how his eyes shined so bright, Tubbo almost forgot the dread of meeting up with a complete stranger, how Tommy seemed so happy being there to help–
“Yeah, it’s because I thought you were excited for this date. I’m only happy when you’re happy, Toby.” Tommy interjected.
And what?
What does that even mean?
At a sudden loss, his mouth gapes open with soundless and unspoken words, sputtering unintelligibly. He doesn’t expect it from Tommy, all this time, they both thought differently…
“Toby, why did you go on this date then?”
The question makes his stomach drop, as simple as it is, Tubbo finds more interest in his own shoes, staring daggers at the small puddle of rainwater pooling on the soles of his feet.
“Pressure…I’m indecisive, I want to move on… I don’t know, man. I have no fucking clue.” It was complicated. On one hand, Ranboo told the girl he was interested and on the other, he agreed before he could even give a sure answer. He just went along with it, which was still wrong.
The glint in Tommy’s eyes darkened.
“Pressure? It’s Ranboo, isn’t it? I swear to god, I’ll fucking kill him—“
“No, no. It’s not his fault—well, a bit, yeah. But I also just agreed to do it because the bigger reason is that I wanted to move on.”
There it is.
It’s out.
“Move on? Move on from where?”
And he’s not even surprised anymore that Tommy asked. They are having this conversation and his own feelings would resurface, it’s only a matter of time. He just wished he had more to start somewhere good and not giggle in the face of utter disbelief, at his best friend being completely dense.
“Tommy, you really are clueless, aren’t you?” He’s gonna say it.
He has to let it out, get it over with. Make it easy for himself.
“Tommy, I’m in love with you… There’s no—there’s no better way to say it but that has been going on since we started living together. And obviously I don’t expect you to reciprocate ever, I’ve been trying so hard to get my feelings in check. And this is—this was one of those attempts—“
“I love you.”
…
…
The words settle over them like thick, unbreathable air. It cuts through the nerves it took to spill all those words, lay his heart out messily right before Tommy’s feet. Could he tell how much it affected him?
Tubbo’s eyes widened, like a deer caught in headlights.
“What?”
“You heard me. I love you too.” Tommy repeated, more certainly, more seriously.
And he’s not about to fall for it as he laughs in cynical disbelief. There’s no way. There’s no fucking way. All too well, Tommy only ever talked about loving women and loving women only. What he’s telling him right now makes no sense. “… You’re joking. You’re fucking with me and it’s not funny, Tom! It’s not funny, so I suggest you stop!”
“I’m not! I’m not joking! I’ve never been more sure in my life—I…” Yet, Tommy stubbornly refutes everything he believes in with one look in his eyes. Somehow, he has gotten closer, Tubbo could see the darker blue flecks in his dilated pupils, and can feel his ghostly warm breath fanning over him. His gaze softens. “Toby, I love you. Please don’t move on from me.”
His breath hitches.
And before he knows it, he barrels into the blond’s arms, his eyes springing with tears. They clutch each other like their whole lives depended on it, Tubbo had bawled his hands into fists on the back of his shirt while Tommy pressed his face into his hair.
Their hearts pounded against their rib cage in sync, that was enough to tell that Tommy is anything but a liar.
“If I kiss you right now, would you like it?” Tommy has absolutely no idea how happy he feels right now as a bright smile illuminated his face.
Tubbo pulls away first, only to wipe a sleeve over his red rimmed eyes, facing the boy he is devastatingly in love with.
“Wanna try and find out?” He beams and Tommy chuckles as he cups his cheek, bringing him closer again.
Tubbo boosts himself on his tiptoes and finally, their lips meet in a soft kiss. A sweet kiss with less artificial lip gloss flavor, a kiss where he actually entertained the pounding in his chest as a good thing. They both make a surprised noise before arms find themselves around each other, hips joint together. It’s a soft exchange that when they slowly part, they revel in the rosy blush and the stupid twin grins on their faces.
His heart is full at the brilliant sight of Tommy with such a boyish and bashful look to him. This may not be Tubbo’s first kiss, but it’s his first with Tommy and it’s not going to be their last, not from the way that the blond flicks his eyes back to his lips with such reverence.
Tubbo sneezes before he gets to shiver, and the moment breaks.
Tommy snickers.
“I told you, you’re going to catch a cold, idiot.” Tommy chided weakly before pecking his forehead, nudging him gently. “Go take a shower. I wanna know more about the kisses that you like.”
Tubbo looks away, feeling rather shy all of a sudden as another smile graces his face. He follows Tommy’s suggestion, heading straight to the bathroom.
His lips tingle for a different reason.
He kissed one boy and he liked it.