Work Text:
Have anyone ever wondered how Christmas goes by like the 12th string of a new handmade sweater made before thanksgiving day? It goes by like the first drop of snow, and the first snowball dropping on a few cloth of a child playing around the plaza. Barely even noticed by the group of people roaming with their instruments hanging on their sides, singing some infamous songs of this year’s holiday that never gets old. Christmas day goes by faster, but never fast enough to catch up with the kids’ list of toys to ask for Santa and pray that they won’t be on the naughty list.
Christmas is quite the magical day for all. For the people waiting every 12 am to write and never lose count of how many sleeps they have before the day. For the children who should never be looked down upon when it comes to plans about Christmas. They’ve written things since the 1st of 365 days a year about their wants and not their needs; using every right as a child, exaggerating the day of Christmas as they always should.
Maybe, most people see Christmas as something else. Love, and everything nice to spread around the city along the lightened streets and roads with Christmas lights to welcome the day at night.
“Good evening, Jae.”
Some find themselves on the same routine they were stuck in despite feeling the spirit of Christmas, but never the same like the others’. Perhaps, that’s just how adulting strikes. It attacks his little grain of hope that Christmas is something else. It ruins the picture he had captured back in his childhood, perfectly that he couldn’t even remember the last time he felt the warmth of a cold night of December before that certain day he’d welcome with his family.
The man named Jae strikes a smile at the newcomer, raising a brow before asking. “Night shift, hyung?”
A smile crept on his lips, the latter nodded at him before taking off his hat that made his sleepy face visible by the public restaurant he’s working at for the past couple of months until now. He’s a chef, and being a worker at Christmas eve means being busy for the rest of the night since the whole place will be crowded ‘til midnight.
“Well,” he shrugs before turning the knob to open and peeks over the staff room only to see the empty place. He looked back to his right where Jaehyuk was and smiled once again. “I think, spending Christmas eve at the resto is way better than spending it alone, you know?”
Jaehyuk scoffs, jokingly.
“You’re just workaholic but you’re not alone, Hyunsuk hyung.” He’s pertaining to something else, so Hyunsuk rolled his eyes at the guy before finally entering the staff room and changing to his chef attire for the night.
He clicked his tongue as soon as he got onto his locker, and placed his coat inside neatly. His heavy breathing was visible by the nake-eye because of the smoke coming from his mouth as he breathed. After finally switching to a new set of clothes, he got a hold of his locker’s door and looked at the mirror plastered on it. And there he saw himself.
Somehow, it felt weird to see himself wearing a set of clothes he never knew he’d see himself in the future before, when he’s a teenager drawing the biggest goals he could. Wearing a white coat fit for the kitchen works, and never a new set of clothes that fits the image of a successful dentist; Hyunsuk let the dream he had before fade right in front of him, defenseless.
He sighed. Sure, he has the skills and intelligence to ace dentistry before, but seeing how life slapped him and threw away the dreams he had right at the very moment, it ruins his imagery about the successful life of a dentist. It was sad, but hey, it was the moment of truth.
That life isn’t like the ones the children read in some storybooks, and it was never for the weak.
He had seen himself living the best life, but he never saw himself striving to do it. That makes it more obvious that no one could ever see what lies ahead of the road they’re about to take to get their goals successfully unless they’re at that moment wherein they’d drop something in return for a new offer.
The cycle of life may have a commencement of happiness, but it was never meant to stay that way, after all.
That’s why he can’t anticipate Christmas like before. The emptiness he has in his heart starts to spread around his mind, and slowly, it ruins the image of everything.
Including Christmas.
“Merry Christmas, hyung.”
Or, not everything.
“Hey,” his eyes darted to the smiling face on his right, wearing a thick coat as it covered his whole body perfectly. He looked so warm, and cold at the same time. Hyunsuk smiled back. “Working on Christmas eve? You’re not gonna visit home?”
The man shook his head, smiling still.
“I did this last year too, hyung. Come on, I can’t let you work alone in the kitchen when it’s Christmas eve.” He unwraps his scarf before opening his locker right next to Hyunsuk’s. He placed his gloves inside, and let his coat hang on the locker as he strikes a smile on the older man, melting Hyunsuk’s cold night to a warm night of December.
“You’re too clumsy, I can’t let you run the kitchen and soon burn the resto down,” laughing, the guy stated and earned a glare from Hyunsuk. He closed his locker, and faced Hyunsuk. That smile is still playing on his lips. “And maybe… spending Christmas eve here would lessen my thoughts.”
“Go home, Jihoon. Tomorrow’s Christmas. I’m sure your Mom would ask me how have you been all night. She’d be worried about you, last year she even called me after work if I had seen you. At least tell her where you’re gonna spend the night before Christmas, idiot.” Hyunsuk found a little grain of snow on Jihoon’s hair so he sneakily tiptoed and picked it up that had Jihoon astonished.
Hyunsuk smiled at him, landing on his stance as he says, “you still have your people to spend the night, Jihoon-ah.”
He was about to take his leave when Jihoon said something that made him halt his steps towards the door. Jihoon would always do this trick. Blur out words that will make him up all night, making his heart feel like a run-on sentence that never missed a beat and consistently beating excitedly that he was sure, he forgot how it felt like.
To hear himself like he was alive and well. Well -- like he was well and isn’t worried about the adult life consequences. The bills, or his personal expenses. Because the only thing he’d worry about is Jihoon’s words.
“I told her, I’m gonna spend the evening with the person I love.”
Hyunsuk felt breathless. This time, his words are fatal. Or was Hyunsuk just exaggerating? Of course, Jihoon is a fine young man. He’d meet new people outside the restaurant. How can he, Hyunsuk, a very modest yet boring man, even think that Jihoon would see him as something else?
Or something new when he was never or nothing new?
“Oh,” he reached for the knob, lips pursing down as if he’s trying his best to smile at Jihoon’s statement. “That’s good. Goodluck, Jihoon-ah.”
“Sure. See you in the kitchen, hyung.”
Hyunsuk heard the door closed, and he’s still here, right in front of the door while contemplating whether to stay the night and just work like he usually do or blame himself to sleep knowing that Jihoon already found someone he’d spend the rest of the night with.
Frankly, he wanted to leave.
He wanted to whisper something to himself, and blame the guy before his mirror for why he ended up being alone for most half of his 30’s. Or specifically, he knew he’d find himself crying over the fact that he wouldn’t be the one Jihoon gonna spend his Christmas eve with.
Weird that he cared for this night. This evening.
Less weird because it includes Jihoon.
Hyunsuk just sighed. Barely accepting the truth, but he just tried his best to put on a facade that he usually does when he’s at work. He opened the kitchen’s door, and witnessed the chaos inside. He saw Jihoon finally working, so he switched to his work mode.
The speakers boom the biggest hits about Christmas. His co-workers enjoyed the rest of the night as they sang along, he could hear Jihoon laughing while singing along too but his heart was so frozen that even the booming sound couldn’t make the ice blow away. His loneliness had always been visible in his co-workers’ eyes so no one would ask him why or anything. Questions sometimes trigger emotions. Good thing, no one dared to ask why he’s still cutting some carrots when the last order for the night was already served.
“Hyung?”
Jihoon is an exception, he would always pamper him with questions.
“The last order was served already. I was looking for you, I thought you already went home.” Jihoon took the knife from Hyunsuk, and held his hand softly to make him face his way. He looked at him, worriedly. “Are you okay, hyung?”
Hyunsuk nodded, smiling at him slightly. “Yeah, just kind of sleepy. You? You should get going, don’t you still have something to do?”
Hyunsuk expected a nod, or even a yes from the guy but all he got was a simple smile while he took his chef hat, shrugging as he pulled Hyunsuk outside the kitchen. Hyunsuk didn’t catch a glimpse of Jihoon winking at one of their co-workers and how the latter nods back at him. Hyunsuk was dumbfounded when Jihoon pulled him inside the staff room, and led him to his locker.
“Change already, hyung. I’ll be waiting outside.”
“E-Eh? Wait, Jihoon-ah!”
Jihoon looked back, lethally smiling still.
“Hmm?”
Hyunsuk died right away.
Never had he ever sought oxygen like this before. There’s no room for the sound of his heart beating crazily as he watches Jihoon’s brow rise at him slowly, waiting for his words to come out from his mouth when he couldn’t even digest the view he’s seeing right now. Taking up all the courage he had, which is less of what he usually has, but never for Jihoon -- he asked.
“Aren’t you spending Christmas eve with someone?”
Jihoon raised both of his brows, finally striking his killer smile that Hyunsuk is very well certain he’s willing to die about.
“I am. Why would I spend the night here to work my ass off if I’m not gonna wait for that certain someone to spend the rest of the night with, hyung?”
Hyunsuk was flabbergasted; of course, he should be.
“Huh?”
He heard a sigh, and soon turned to a chuckle coming from the doorway. Jihoon opened the door, and whispered something.
“I told Mom I’m gonna spend my Christmas eve with you, hyung.”
Then soon gone.
That was Hyunsuk’s cue to cover his mouth for it was widely hung open in shock when Jihoon’s words sunk in his mind within seconds after he left the room. Guess how many times he cursed himself in the thin air coming across the vents as he looked at the crimson colored face on the mirror of his locker.
“What the actual fuck…” Sleepy eyes turned wide, Hyunsuk soon enough calmed his systems down because he knew Jihoon’s waiting for him outside.
He heaved a sigh, firmly closing his eyes. A prelude to a new set of thoughts as soon as he changes his clothes to the ones he was wearing earlier. Thoughts soon clouded his mind, but this time, it’s all about Jihoon once again. It was clouded with vibrant colors of Jihoon’s cardigan, or his scarf’s fabric and never dust of his frustration over his unsettled dreams from before. Exactly how heaven looks like, at least for Hyunsuk, it flashes right in front of him.
Some images of street lights that illuminate the road with colors of Christmas at night that he walked through earlier, but in that image, he’s not alone anymore.
“That Jihoon, really.”
He may have confused himself earlier. He may have told his mind over and over again that he’s no man to be happy about the simplest things at the night before Christmas. Sometimes, what people chant in their mind over and over most likely be believed by their brain muscles until it’ll be stamped within their mindsets. That’s what happened to Hyunsuk. He had always seen Christmas as a traditional thing that only happens once a year, and nothing else. That children would cry over, or teenagers would enjoy.
Never he had ever that the night before Christmas will be the start of his life, finally being lived, because he’s not letting the Christmas lights faded in the background and instead, let it illuminate his figure as he laughs over the little things Jihoon would mention because hey,
That’s how love would look like at the night before Christmas; it shows the deepest yet the brightest shade of light for Christmas was made to be celebrated with nothing but love.
He heard Jaehyuk whisper to him as soon as he got out of the resto.
“I told you, hyung. Even on last year’s Christmas eve, you were never alone to begin with.”
Hyunsuk sought for something that had always been there, even before and after Christmas.
He will never have to be confused for home, because he’d be spending his Christmas with his one. By far, it was a home worth getting confused by, for it was the only one.