Archive of Our Own

Jay thinks he should apply for a job as I-Land narrator. He’s not even joking; maybe, if he could have authority over what gets said in the final video, he’d also have control over how much embarrassing shit about him gets released for public viewing.

Because there’s the usual embarrassing stuff that comes with being an idol, or an idol-in-training, at least; it’s not enough to be good at dancing, singing, or performing. An idol is, first and foremost, an entertainer. An idol without a personality is akin to a doctor with a terrible bedside manner. The kind of doctor who would callously approach a crying mother and tell her that her two-year-old was dead and then proceed to leave for their next surgery without batting an eyelid. That kind of idol. Or, doctor. Whichever. Jay’s never claimed to be good at keeping track of analogies.

Anyway, the point is he’s fine with the usual embarrassing idol stuff like having to act cute (in strict moderation), dancing for a jokingly sexy concept (in strict moderation), and getting teased by his teammates (ideally in strict moderation, but it’s not really up to him).

But there’s the usual embarrassing idol stuff and then there’s just plain old dumb and embarrassing, the kind of humliation that will haunt his waking hours for days to come. The kind of stuff that’s embarrassing because no one made him do it - those times when Jay had simply chosen to make a fool of himself on his own, no coercion needed.

That’s why maybe, if he’s the I-Land narrator, he could pull some strings and ensure that no footage, no sound clip, no image of him deciding to wink at Kim Sunoo at the breakfast table would ever be broadcast to the public.

God . Good, great, merciful god.

How did he even end up in this situation?

-

In retrospect, that’s a really stupid question. Jay knows exactly how he got there, and it all goes back to before today, before Hanbin’s elimination and before Dive Into You , before he wrote those blasted letters -

It goes back all the way to the very first performance on I-Land, the first time they were taught that their votes, their choices would have weight on who could and couldn’t progress.

It goes back all the way to when Jay had chosen the I-Landers he wanted to vote out, and had chosen the people he didn’t think were strong enough to make it.

When he thinks about it now, he kind of wants to hit himself for thinking he knew enough to judge something as arbitrary and subjective as that. For a group of people who supposedly distinguished themselves from the rest, the first set of I-Landers sure did abysmally for the first test. Jay remembers that mortifying figure of 59 , their group’s average score, and remembers feeling that his being sent to Ground, while unfortunate, was deserved.

It’s not like he’d let it get him down. Not for long, anyway. It was only the first task, and it wasn’t even an actual elimination. His mother’s mantra of work hard until you succeed, and if you don’t then work harder had followed him around, and it’s these words that he had drawn strength from every time he’d felt disheartened while practicing for the Fire performance.

You have to endure the pain , Jay had said back then to a pained Kyungmin, doing his best to relieve the soreness in his muscles. You have to endure the pain until you make it to I-Land.

And maybe he’d been saying that to himself as much as he had been to Kyungmin, but he needed to believe that those words were true for him before he could go and try to inspire any confidence in the other boys. It didn’t matter in the end, though, did it? He managed to relieve the worst of Kyungmin’s pain, and he managed to lead the Grounders in a show-stopping performance he’s still proud of even to this day. Who cares if he’d been taking comfort from his own empty platitudes, if it got him back into I-Land?

It felt good, walking back into I-Land. Walking in with Jake, Youngbin and Kyungmin in tow had definitely played a part in the feeling of triumph that laced every step he took, walking out of the ridiculous egg elevator. It made him feel like he wasn’t all talk - that he did have the potential, the talent, the drive to back up his words.

Even the disappointment of having to step aside to allow Sunghoon to replace him in the dance unit couldn’t knock him back down. Not fully, anyway. He wasn’t so much of a tryhard that he’d deliberately push for a risky choice, even if he believed it wasn’t risky, that he could do the move, that he could get it right if he could just have more time -

Well. That’s its own thing. The point is, the dance unit ends up winning, and the vocal unit wins too, which means no one is leaving I-Land, which means it was the right choice.

And God forbid Jay ever makes anything but the right choice.

“I’m glad you made it in,” K would tell him later, much later, when the final twelve move into their rooms. It still feels surreal, knowing that he’s officially survived the first half of I-Land. He did it. He’s done everything right - well, mostly right - so he gets to continue. It’s all going to be worth it. “Although I never doubted you would.”

Jay laughs shakily, looking at the ground. “We’ve only got a short way left to go, right, hyung?” Just a few more tests. He can do this. He can .

(“It’s only going to get harder from here,” Heeseung murmurs, voice floating in the dim room. Jay looks at him, seated on the bed for first place. Sunoo’s bed - Jay thinks it’s kind of insane that he barely knows anything about the other trainee, considering the impact he’s clearly made on the viewers. It’s also kind of humbling to see one of the trainees he’d voted off at the start make a comeback as the leading force in the second half of the show.

He wonders if they’ll get to talk more now that no one has to go to Ground. He hopes they do.

“Well, I guess that’s true - why are you saying this now, though?”

Heeseung pats the thick comforter beneath him. “Guess I just realized there’s so much more going on that’s out of our control. Stuff other than just doing well in performances,” he says vaguely. Jay frowns at him, still in the dark. Heeseung laughs at the look on his face.

“I think you’ll be fine though, Jay-ah. Don’t worry about it. Really.”)

-

“Jay, hey. Hey. Hey .”

Jay looks up from where he’s busy vegetating on the couch, his head hanging off the edge the way he likes to do at home. “What is it?” he asks, pursing his lips as the blood rushes to his head. It’s weird, but he enjoys the sensation, even if he can’t maintain the position for long.

Jake looks guilty, which immediately makes Jay suspicious. And also worried. “Jake, what did you do?”

The other boy looks around furtively, before crouching and leaning in close. Jay balks at the sight of a small pimple on Jake’s nose being shoved into his face. “Can you go talk to Sunoo for me?”

Jay frowns. “Huh?”

“Y’see, I - ” Jake pauses, brow furrowing, before resuming the conversation in English. “I promised Sunoo I’d do his face masks and facial care and night routine thingy with him tonight, but then Sunghoon asked if I wanted to practice with him and I said I would.”

“Okay,” Jay says slowly. “So tell Sunghoon you forgot you made a promise with Sunoo. Hell, you can even practice with him before you do your skincare thing.”

Jake bites his lip, silent. Jay sighs, reluctantly sitting up. The sudden return to the proper orientation makes him slightly woozy. “You don’t want to go with Sunoo, do you?”

“He’s scary when I have a pimple!” Jake whines. He points at the offending bump on his nose. “I’m not slacking off on my own routine, I just ate too much ramyeon last night and then this popped up! I didn’t even think I would get a pimple so fast! Sunoo’s going to be so mad when he sees and sitting through one of his lectures is almost as bad as listening to you complain about the dishes - ”

“Hey!” Jay pinches Jake’s cheek sharply, making him yelp. “You sure have a lot to say for someone who’s asking me for a favor.”

“Sorry!” Jake gasps. He claps his hands together in supplication, kneeling fully on the floor to beg properly. “Please, please, please, cover for me tonight! Just tonight! Tell him there’s a part I’m really struggling with in Flicker and Sunghoon offered to help me with it. That’s not even a lie! It’s true! I have so much to catch up with and it’s really nice of Sunghoon to offer in the first place cos I’m so behind and - ”

“Alright, alright, I get it,” Jay cuts him off. “It’s fine, I’ll talk to Sunoo. You go and practice.”

Jake’s head shoots up, his eyes sparkling. “ Really ? Oh my god, thank you so much dude, I swear you have no idea how much this means to me, you’re really saving my butt - ”

“Shut up and go before I change my mind.” And Jake does leave, hightailing it out of the room and scurrying off to whichever practice room he’s meeting Sunghoon in. A moment later, K walks in through the door Jake had run out of. “Where’s he going in such a hurry?” he asks. His expression morphs into one of worry. “Is something on fire?”

Jay laughs. “No, hyung. Although you could say Jake’s running from something that’s like fire.”

The crease between K’s eyebrows only gets deeper. “Seriously, is something on fire? Please just tell me if something’s on fire. I won’t get mad.” He frowns. “...I think.”

Jay reassures him that nothing’s on fire, but even as he leaves the common room it doesn’t look like his hyung’s doubts are assuaged. Nevertheless, Jay makes his way to the room he currently shares with Sunoo and K, inhaling deeply before pushing the door open.

To his surprise, he finds the room empty. The duffel bag beside Sunoo’s bed is open and in slight disarray, implying he’d been rifling through it before leaving the room. Jay takes one last look around the room to ensure it’s truly empty before turning and closing the door behind him.

He passes Hanbin in the hallway, and he stops him to ask if he’s seen Sunoo around. “He was in the kitchen,” Hanbin informs him. “Chopping something.”

Jay blinks. “What was he cutting?”

Hanbin shrugs. “I didn’t want to check. He was cutting too happily. It’s kind of scary.”

Great. Not only is Jay going to have to be the bearer of bad news, but Sunoo’s holding a knife . Good Lord. “Okay, thanks hyung,” he says, but Hanbin stops him before he can walk away. “Are you about to tell him something he might not like?” Hanbin asks seriously.

Oh god . “Yeah? Why?” Jay says nervously.

“Advice for you,” Hanbin says, a grave look on his face. “He was playing music when I passed by. If it’s a girl group song, don’t bother him. If it’s a TWICE song, don’t even enter the kitchen. If it’s anything else, then it’s safe to talk to him.”

By now, Jay is feeling thoroughly cowed. Curse Jake and his stupid puppy dog eyes. “Don’t disturb him if it’s a girl group or TWICE. Gotcha.”

“Don’t enter if it’s TWICE,” Hanbin corrects him. “I don’t think you would enjoy screaming while TT was playing, would you?”

No, Jay would not, and he voices as much to his hyung. “ Giữ gìn sức khỏe ,” Hanbin says solemnly, before going off on his merry way.

Once he’s gone, Jay sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose. He supposes that of all the things in the world that could kill him, an angry Sunoo wouldn’t be at the top of the list, but he certainly wouldn’t be at the bottom, either. With this cheerful thought in mind, he marches to the kitchen.

He spots Ni-ki and Taki hovering near the entrance, looking a bit frightened. “Jay-hyung?” Taki perks up as he approaches. “Are you going in there? I don’t think you should go in there.”

Jay frowns, straining to hear the sound of music emanating from the kitchen. To his horror, he recognizes the familiar, happy chorus of Heart Shaker . He’d never imagined the cheerful song could sound as terrifying as it did in this very moment. “Sunoo’s in there, right?” he asks, resigned to his fate. “Is he keeping you from going in?”

“I wanted some popcorn but hyung kicked me out,” Ni-ki says pitifully. “Taki wanted some snacks too, but we’re stuck waiting here until he lets us in.”

During the short span of their conversation, the current song has ended and the next one quickly takes its place. Jay shoots up to attention when he realizes it’s Boy With Luv . “Okay, you two stay out here, and I’ll go and talk to him,” he says decisively.

“Hyung, no!” Taki protests, a tad dramatically. “You can’t! You’re too young to die!”

“I’m not gonna die, Taki,” Jay assures him, not nearly as confident as he tries to sound. Ni-ki and Taki reluctantly let him go, peeking out from behind the wall to watch him enter the lions’ den.

He quickly spots Sunoo at one of the counters, swallowed up in one of the gigantic hoodies from the dressing room. He also notices the knife resting on the counter, and the knowledge that Sunoo is currently unarmed gives him the courage to call out “Sunoo-yah - ”

- only for Sunoo to turn around as the song abruptly changes to TT . By TWICE.

Fuck .

“Oh god,” Jay blurts out, raising his hands in defense. “Please don’t kill me.”

Sunoo raises one eyebrow, before looking down at the tablet in his hands and pausing the song. “Did you want something, hyung?” he asks, deceptively docile. Or maybe he really is harmless and Jay’s just imagining the killer aura around him. He prays to God it’s the latter and curses Hanbin for joking about TT . He knows it’s his fault somehow.

“Yeah, um…” Jay trails off, gaze drifting off to behind Sunoo. He spots stacks of sliced cucumber, and realizes he must have been preparing them for Jake. Oh, no. “You know how you and Jake were supposed to do skincare together tonight?”

Sunoo brightens. “Yeah!” he nods. His eyes turn into happy little crescents when he smiles. “Did you want to join us?”

“Oh - ” This must be why Jake sent him - not because Sunoo’s scary or anything, but because you’d have to be an actual monster to say no to such a hopeful face.

...And also probably because Sunoo can be a bit scary when he’s mad. He can’t just write that off. “Actually, Jake asked me to tell you he can’t make it tonight because Sunghoon’s going to help him practice for Flicker .”

Sunoo blinks slowly at him, his shoulders sagging a bit. Jay feels like an asshole, even if he’s just delivering the message. “I could join you instead, if you want,” he offers quickly, surprising himself. The obvious disappointment on Sunoo’s face just doesn’t sit right with him.

The other boy sighs, shaking his head. “It’s okay, you don’t have to, hyung,” he says dejectedly. “This was really for Jake-hyung - I thought he might be a bit stressed from practice, because I noticed he was breaking out on his face. I thought - well, never mind. Thanks for telling me, hyung.”

So it looks like Sunoo already knows about Jake’s pimple, which means Jake had been scared for nothing. “What are you gonna do with the cucumber?” Jay asks, because he truly feels bad for the amount of effort Sunoo has obviously put in.

Sunoo looks at the counter. “Uh, I don’t know. Eat them?”

And that’s how Jay ends up bumming around the counter, slowly working through all the cucumber slices with Sunoo. At some point, Ni-ki and Taki peek into the kitchen again, looking a little apprehensive when Sunoo gestures for them to come in.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you, Ni-ki,” he says kindly. Ni-ki perks up and shuffles over for a hug. “Hyung was enjoying the music a little too much, huh? I can get testy when someone interrupts. Sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Ni-ki says, nuzzling happily into Sunoo. Once he’s released, he makes his way directly to Jay, who immediately tucks him under his arm. “What are you eating?”

“Sunoo cut up some cucumbers,” Jay says, munching on a particularly thick slice.

“Mm - I wanted a salad, but I got too lazy to chop up other vegetables,” Sunoo says easily. If he notices Jay glancing at him, he doesn’t show it. “Cucumbers are good though, right?”

“I love cucumbers,” Taki declares, picking up three slices at once and shoving them into his mouth.

Jay laughs and moves to pick up another piece, abruptly freezing when he remembers something important. “Hey, Sunoo,” he says slowly. “You washed your hands before cutting these, right?”

The resounding silence is answer enough.

-

K is lounging around on his bed when Jay and Sunoo walk in later that night. “Hey there,” he greets them. “Did you guys just come from practice?”

Jay is about to answer no , but Sunoo beats him to it. “Yes,” he says mournfully. “Jay-hyung insisted on a solo session for me and made me do one thousand push-ups in the practice room. After five full run-throughs of  Dive Into You . It was horrible hyung, I thought I was gonna die.”

“Yah!” Jay exclaims, surprised. Both Sunoo and K burst out laughing. “I did no such thing!”

“He gave you the ol’ drill sergeant treatment, huh?” K jokes. “Typical Jay.”

“ Hyung ,” Jay whines. Except he doesn’t whine. He’s not whining , he’s… complaining. Yeah, he’s complaining.

Sunoo laughs and skips over to hide behind K’s bed, crouching so that he’s out of view. “K-hyung, Jay-hyung’s scary ,” he sing-songs. “Hide me!”

K laughs loudly, reaching over to ruffle Sunoo’s hair. “Jay-ah, I better not catch you making Sunoo do any more exercise,” he warns him, wagging a teasing finger at Jay. It’s kind of funny to see K be so playful, but Jay supposes Sunoo has a special talent for drawing out people’s more light-hearted sides.

Jay rolls his eyes and walks to his bed, gathering up his pajamas and toiletries. “Oh, are you gonna wash up?” Sunoo asks, his head popping out from behind K’s bed. “I’ll come with you! Wait for me!”

“If you’re not ready in ten seconds, I’ll leave without you,” Jay says gruffly, doing his best to imitate a drill sergeant. He smiles sheepishly when both Sunoo and K burst into renewed laughter. “Sir, yes sir,” Sunoo salutes him, before proceeding to take his sweet time gathering up all his products.

Once he’s ready, he and Sunoo make their way to the communal washroom. Sunoo trails behind him initially, eventually skipping ahead and humming as Jay jogs to catch up. Thankfully, it seems like all the other trainees have already prepared for bed, so it’s empty. Jay eyes some stray tubes of toothpaste littering the sink; he doesn’t even notice his brow furrowing until he hears Sunoo giggling softly at him.

“I’m not gonna nag at them,” Jay grumbles, a bit defensive. “But I’m not gonna clean that up either.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Sunoo laughs. He walks over to the sink, examining the different tubes. “Hey, I think these are Jake-hyung and Sunghoon-hyung’s toothpastes. I’m pretty sure these are the brands they use.”

“Huh.” Jay stands beside him, looking down. He’s not sure about Sunghoon, but turning over one of the tubes reveals Jake :) written in both English and Hangul on the surface. “Looks like you’re right. I guess they got ready together after practice.”

“Mm-hmm,” Sunoo agrees, smiling absently as he traces the little smiley face with his finger. When he looks up to meet Jay’s gaze, his grin is significantly wider and more… mischievous. “Wanna hide these?”

Jay snorts, unable to help himself. “Are you trying to get back at Jake for bailing?” he laughs.

Sunoo pouts at him, already gathering up the toothpaste. “ Nooooo ,” he denies, skipping around as he looks for a place to hide them in. “Well. Maybe a little. But I also think it’ll be funny to watch Sunghoon-hyung look for his toothpaste.”

The mental image of former national figure skater Park Sunghoon asking every trainee at I-Land if they’ve seen his toothpaste is hilarious, and Jay does laugh. But Sunoo’s statement makes him want to clarify something. “You know, Jake didn’t really want to skip skincare with you,” he starts. Sunoo looks over his shoulder at him, halfway to opening the washing machine to presumably stick the toothpaste inside. “Hmm?”

“Hey, don’t put that there - someone’s bound to start a load of laundry without checking if it’s empty,” Jay chides him, alarmed at how fast an unsupervised Sunoo could cause trouble.

“What’s the worst toothpaste can do?” Sunoo protests, holding the tubes protectively away from Jay.

“I don’t know, but I don’t really feel like finding out, okay? Hide it somewhere else.” Sunoo’s pout deepens, but he obediently closes the washing machine and steps away. “You were saying something, hyung? About Jake-hyung?”

“Oh - well, Jake told me he was worried about doing skincare with you because of this one pimple on his nose. He said - ” Jay pauses, wondering how to word it. “Well, he might have said you can be… a little scary , whenever you spot a pimple on his face.”

Sunoo lets out a surprised little laugh. “ Really ? He told you that?”

“Yeah, he even told me that sitting through one of your rants was worse than listening to me nag about cleaning up, which I don’t do that much, okay - ”

“Hyung, I feel like if I can own up to being a terror when it comes to skincare, you can own up to being a bit of a mother hen,” Sunoo interrupts him, smiling wryly. Jay shuts his mouth, pouting involuntarily. “It’s okay, though! Your nagging is kind of cute. In the right doses.”

“I don’t know how to feel about that,” Jay grumbles, although he’s secretly a bit pleased to know that Sunoo, sweet, bubbly, notoriously aegyo-filled Sunoo, thinks his nagging is cute. Then he realizes that that’s stupid, and proceeds to crush that tiny spark of joy. That’ll show his brain not to enjoy being called cute.

“I think you like being called cute though,” Sunoo pipes up, crouching in front of Jay to look up at him. “Right? Hyung, you do, don’t you? Oh, you do!”

Jay pushes his face away, cheeks feeling warm even as Sunoo laughs and laughs and laughs. “Oh, shut up,” he deflects, not really bothering to contradict the other boy.

Sunoo allows himself to be pushed away, eyes still crinkled in that telltale way. He doesn’t tease Jay again, but he seems a bit lighter and more cheerful as they get ready, even graciously lending Jay some of his moisturizer. Jay makes a mental note to tell Jake he was worried for nothing, and to ensure he makes this up to Sunoo.

The younger boy seems to prefer hiding things that bother him, which worries Jay a little, but it’s not really his place to say anything. All he can do is try to make things a little better for him, and leave it at that.

“Hyungie?” he hears Sunoo say, and Jay turns around from where he’s combing his hair. “Yes?”

Sunoo looks uncharacteristically shy when he asks, “Can we do a quick run-through of the song tomorrow before the others come? I think I’m getting better at the move.”

Jay can’t help but smile. “Because of the push-ups, right?” he says proudly.

“Ah, I knew you would say that.” Sunoo frowns, then sighs in resignation. “Yes, hyung. The push-ups helped. Happy?”

“Yes,” Jay says honestly, pleased. “Very.”

Sunoo looks at him for a moment, before shaking his head. “What a strange hyung,” is what he says, but Jay thinks he can pick up an undertone of fondness. “Do you want to do skincare with me and Jake-hyung tomorrow? If he shows up for real?”

“Sure,” Jay says, then adds: “And I’ll make sure he shows up. For real.”

Ah, Jay really was right. Sunoo looks the best when he’s smiling.

-

When the interim results for the chemistry test are unexpectedly revealed, Jay wonders if there’s been a mistake. Or if his eyes aren’t working. 

That can’t be right - that can’t be his name at the bottom.

“Hyungie,” Jungwon says gently, standing beside him. Jay hadn’t even noticed him coming over. “It’s only the halfway point - it’s okay, it isn’t final.”

Jay swallows, unable to focus on the rest of the announcement. Something about having to be eliminated in the middle of practice - okay, nope. He can’t deal with that right now. He’d probably cry if he tried to make sense of the implications right now. “Yeah,” he says, breathing out. He nods, blinking away the burning sensation in his eyes. “Yeah, no. It’s just halfway. There’s the rest of the week left. It’s fine.”

He inhales deeply, then tries his best to send a reassuring smile at Jungwon. “It’s no big deal, Jungwon-ah. This just means the viewers will vote for me more, right?”

“You’re not wrong at all, Jay-ah,” Heeseung says, walking over to him. “You’re - ” He sighs, breaking off. His gaze is fond, heartbreakingly so. “If there’s anyone they would fight to keep, it’s you.”

Jay wonders how much Heeseung means that. He decides to take comfort from it, anyway.

Everyone leaves the lobby in scattered pairs and groups, disquieted. The Chamber 5 team head to their practice room, but K tells the rest of them to take five. “It’s alright, we’ll practice in a little bit,” he says. No one needs to ask why. “See you in half an hour, yeah? Let’s just recharge a little.”

They all scatter, understanding the unspoken message that K wants to talk to Jay alone. Sunghoon and Ni-ki look back over their shoulders as they leave, Jay sensing their worried glances. He smiles at them, but even he can sense it’s a little weak.

Once they’re gone, K turns to him. “You okay?” he asks softly. Jay hopes this doesn’t turn into a full-blown heart-to-heart, because they have practice in thirty minutes and he doesn’t think showing up with eyes puffy from crying is going to set anyone at ease.

“Yeah,” he mumbles. He presses the edge of his palms against his eyes, composing himself. “I’m upset. But - ”

K gently pulls him close, wrapping his arms around him and letting Jay press his face into his sweatshirt. “You’re upset, I know, but you’re strong,” K tells him. Jay takes a shaky inhale. “You’re so, so strong Jay. And I know you know it, too. This isn’t even a setback. This is nothing . This is just a little nudge to you from the universe. You’ll be fine. You’re not going anywhere.”

Whenever he’s on the receiving end of K’s comfort, he wonders if this is how others feel when he tries to console them. He wonders if he’s even half as convincing as K is - when K tells you something, you believe him. He doesn’t have to change his tone, doesn’t have to come up with anything concrete to solve your problem. When K tells you everything will be okay, everything will be okay, just because he says so.

“I just have to work harder,” Jay finally says, exhaling slowly. “Yeah. This is nothing. I’m not - I’m staying. I’m staying.”

They stay there for a while, K holding Jay just close enough, waiting until his breathing has returned to normal. Jay thinks he hears the shuffling of footsteps nearby, but no one says anything. It could just be his teammates on their way to the practice room. “How do you feel?” K eventually asks.

“Still a little upset,” Jay says honestly, but he manages a small, mostly genuine laugh. “I think I want some pineapple juice before practice.”

“Go get some, then,” K tells him, ruffling his hair. “While you’re at it, why don’t you get juice for all of us? I think we could all use the mood lift.”

Jay nods, and with one last side hug, K leaves for the practice room. Jay takes this short, silent moment to compose himself, then puts on a brave face as he makes his way to the kitchen.

The light is dimmed when he enters, so he assumes it’s empty, but a head peeks out from around a corner as he walks inside. “Hyung?” Sunoo looks at him, brow furrowed.

“Sunoo,” Jay says, surprised. “I thought you were in the practice room already?”

Sunoo walks out from behind the wall, carrying two plastic jars in his arms. “I’m just getting some candy,” he explains. “Taki’s looking a bit low-energy, so I thought this would be a good pick-me-up for all of us.”

“I guess we’re both errand boys, then,” Jay jokes, taking a step forward. “K-hyung told me to get juice for the group.”

Sunoo hums in response, and Jay takes that as his cue to walk past him and to the fridge. As he looks through the different juice bottles, trying to remember if Sunghoon likes grape or apple flavor, Sunoo speaks up. “Hyung, you’re worried about the votes, aren’t you?”

Jay turns around, blinking. He hadn’t expected Sunoo of all people to bring up the ranking, much less in such a direct manner. “Um - I. I guess so?” He chuckles awkwardly, abruptly lowering his gaze. “It’s normal to be worried though, right? I mean, whoever’s in last will be eliminated after all.”

“I’m not too worried, though,” Jay hastens to add. He looks up to find Sunoo gazing silently at him. “Just… well. No one would want to find themselves at the bottom of the list. So I guess I am upset, but it’ll pass! It’ll pass.”

Sunoo tilts his head, as if studying Jay. He’s supposed to be the elder, but he shrinks under his gaze. Sunoo’s undivided attention can be a bit... much. “You know, hyung, we’ve only been teammates once,” he starts. “But you’ve always caught my eye, when you perform. Whenever you talk. Whenever you… honestly, your presence is just so strong, even when you’re just being yourself.”

Jay falls silent, letting the fridge door shut slowly behind him. Sunoo smiles at him, a small, sweet upturning of his lips, slight enough that Jay can still meet his brown irises. “You have nothing to be worried about, Jay-hyung. I promise. If I could see that there’s clearly something special about you, after spending a couple of weeks with you, then everyone watching already knows that, too.”

He carefully raises a fist, ensuring he doesn’t drop any of the containers. “Fighting, hyung!” he beams. His eyes go all crinkly, whisker dimples on full display, and then he’s gone, shuffling away to his respective practice room.

Jay watches him go, his heart aching.

If Sunoo - if they all say he has something special, then it has to be true, right? If people like them, incredible trainees full of talent and charm can see that “something special,” then that means he really does have it, right?

Right?

-

Ni-ki is uncharacteristically clingy after their practice session, but Jay manages to gently shake him off. “ Hyung ,” he whines. “Jay-hyung. Jay-nii. Aniki .”

“What’s with you?” Jay laughs, amused at Ni-ki’s attempts to tuck his head under Jay’s chin. Ni-ki rarely uses Japanese honorifics, even with K - he only resorts to using them when he’s determined to act like a baby.

“You and K-hyung and Sunoo-hyung are all in one room,” Ni-ki grumbles. “S’not fair. You have to share. You can’t all be there without me .”

Jay hums in consideration. “Tell you what - hyung has to do something before I go to my room. Why don’t you hang out there with K-hyung? I think Sunoo’s group is still practicing, but he should be there soon, too.”

Ni-ki brightens at the idea. “Then you’ll come too, right?” he demands, eyes hopeful.

“Sure,” Jay says, ruffling Ni-ki’s hair. He swallows around the lump in his throat. “I’ll be there as soon as I finish.”

Ni-ki looks at him suspiciously, but he lets it go, deciding that hogging up K’s time is more important. Jay watches him skip away, but before he can leave, Sunghoon is quick to take Ni-ki’s place and wraps his arms around Jay. “Jay-ah,” he whines, burying his face into Jay’s back. “Hungry.”

“What am I, your personal chef?” Jay snorts, reaching behind him to tickle Sunghoon and make him let go. Sunghoon yelps, flinching away. “Are you tired from practice, leader-nim?”

Sunghoon frowns at him, close to a genuine pout. “I want ramyeon.”

“And you have two hands that are very capable of making ramyeon,” Jay tells him, to which Sunghoon childishly stomps his foot in response. “What’s up with you? You’re acting like a kid. More than usual, anyway.”

“Hang out with me and Jake tonight,” Sunghoon demands. “Make us ramyeon.”

“Get Heeseung-hyung to do it.”

“It’s a 02-liner event only.”

“We’re having events now?” Jay laughs, in spite of himself. “I’ll hang out with you, but not right now. I seriously have something I have to do.”

“It can’t be the laundry,” Sunghoon says, eyes narrowing. “You already took care of the laundry.”

“It’s not the laundry,” Jay sighs. “I promise, I’ll hang out with you and Jake later, okay? I’ll make you ramyeon and everything. I just have to do something.”

“Do you need any help?”

Jay shakes his head. “Nah. It’s not gonna take me long.” Besides, it’s not like he could do what he’s planning to do with someone watching. That’d be too embarrassing. “What brought this on? You’re worried about me, Sunghoon-ah?”

He’d said it in a teasing way, but Sunghoon scoffs and gently punches Jay’s shoulder. “Nah,” he says. “‘Cos it’s you. You’re too tough to let yourself be knocked down by something like this.” He shoves Jay, saying, “You’d kick my ass if I tried to coddle you, anyway.”

“Yah!” Jay swats at him, but Sunghoon’s retreated well out of his reach, laughing as he runs away.

It’s not unusual for his friends to be affectionate with him, but Jay knows that they’re probably being so insistent on spending time with him because of the announcement. Whether it’s to cheer him up or to… to make the most of their time left with him, he doesn’t know, but he appreciates them all the same.

Finally alone, Jay quietly makes his way to the main lobby, gathering up some stationery. He distantly wonders why they would stock the building with paper and scissors and tape, since none of the tests involve any writing, but he’s thankful these supplies are within such easy reach.

He walks to the lounge area, which is blessedly empty. He dims the lights a little to discourage any stray trainees from coming here, and starts spreading out the paper he’s gathered.

There were no envelopes, but there was pretty, textured paper available that he could make crude envelopes out of. He likes it, thinks it makes these letters more personal in a way.

Don’t get Jay wrong - he knows, on a certain level, that the chances of him being eliminated are low. He’s never been so close to the bottom, let alone at the bottom, and the fact that the interim results were released means it’s more likely for him to get a jump in vote count and rank high enough to be safe.

But although the chance is low, it’s not zero, and that chance is enough for him to feel the need to write these letters to the other trainees. To his friends .

Because the thing is, Jay doesn’t have a lot of trust in his words. It’s one thing to console; it’s another to tell his friends how grateful he is to have met them, to have trained with them, to tell them how honored he is to have chased a common dream together. It’s one thing to draw upon the same old comforting phrases and an entirely different thing to try and put into words the depth of happiness he hopes is waiting for them in their futures.

He tries his best, he really does - but even the luxury of time doesn’t seem to improve his eloquence. If it can’t be good, he tries at least to make it personal, to touch upon the unique aspects of his relationship with each trainee. Sunghoon, his one and only unit-mate, his best friend; Heeseung, his reliable hyung, his friend of so many years; Jungwon, his cherished little brother, a shining spot of good in a world that can be pretty discouraging and bleak; K, his pillar and source of strength, the person he would trust with all of himself and then some.

He doesn’t want to write overly-sappy messages, but he also doesn’t want to leave them with some generic goodbye. By the time he’s written letters he’s happy with for most of his friends, more than an hour has passed, and he can hear muted sounds of trainees walking around from afar.

Only Taki and Sunoo’s letters are left; he feels a bit guilty, but he doesn’t have the mental energy by this point to write Taki’s letter in full Japanese. He includes a few phrases in Japanese that he feels can’t be translated well in Korean, but otherwise it’s far less than the short passages he’d written for K and Ni-ki’s letters. He hopes his message gets across, anyway - and even if Taki doesn’t get it, K will be there to interpret for him.

Finally, he gets around to Sunoo - and realizes he’s been unconsciously putting his letter off.

Sunoo… Sunoo’s still a bit guarded around him, despite Jay’s efforts to befriend him. He can’t blame the other boy, since they really haven’t had any opportunities to bond, but he’s a bit sad to realize that there’s such a wide gap between them he hasn’t been able to bridge yet.

It’s disheartening to realize that he was able to make only a few memories with Sunoo, no big moment standing out as he looks back on their interactions. They’ve never had any serious talks together, and the closest they’ve ever gotten to hanging out were the few times they’d practiced for Dive Into You by themselves, and that one-off instance when Jay had joined Sunoo and Jake for their long overdue skincare session.

Jay stares at the blank sheet of paper, finding it strangely intimidating. It’s not that he’s unsure of what to write, exactly - even if Sunoo’s letter might end up sounding different from the others, Jay has the same general sentiment of wanting to leave him support. Of giving him encouragement, expressing his admiration.

No, what Jay is apprehensive of is what Sunoo might make of this letter, once - if he reads it. Would Jay’s sincere well wishes be able to get across to him? Would Sunoo think it was too impersonal, and be disappointed? Would Sunoo read it, once Jay has left, and remember Jay as a person he could have but never actually gotten close with?

In the end, he decides that none of that really matters. Even with their short time together, Jay knows that Sunoo is someone special; he’s smart as a whip, fiercely talented, and as bright as the sun. If Jay can’t reminisce on any specific memories with him, he can at least let Sunoo know how highly he thinks of him, and leave it at that.

With Sunoo’s letter, he finally finishes writing, and he reads through everything one more time to make sure there are no spelling errors or mistakes. He’s not fully satisfied with their contents, but he knows it’s much better than anything he could come up with on the spot.

He returns to his room, which is thankfully empty, and puts the letters away in his bedside table for now, having decided to give them to everyone after dinner with Jake and Sunghoon. Although he plans on telling everyone not to open them unless he’s really eliminated, he knows there’s no way all of them would follow that and he’d rather be holed up safely in his room if that happens.

Now a bit more at ease, Jay breathes a little easier and makes his way to the kitchen. He’s determined to make Jake and Sunghoon the best ramyeon they’ve ever had, Heeseung’s expertise be damned.

-

Sunoo ranks first. Again .

“Amazing,” Daniel breathes out, voicing Jay’s exact thoughts. “Sunoo-hyung is so amazing.”

They’ve seen it before, but it’s still a bit shocking to see just how beloved Sunoo is by the viewers, at least those that care enough to actually vote. Unlike the first time, though, Jay thinks he gets it now. Though he couldn’t explain it to you in words if you asked, Jay understands that there’s genuinely something about Sunoo that just invites the love and affection of others. It just so happens that it also does wonders for his performance in global voting.

“How does he do it?” Heeseung wonders, and Jay thinks he can detect a bit of envious awe in his voice as he watches Sunoo disappear into the elevator. “If this whole show was decided through voting, he’d breeze right through.”

Of course, Heeseung proceeds to rank second right after saying this. The shocked expression on his face morphs into a sheepish one for a split second before turning into pure, unadulterated joy. Even with the anxiety wrapped around Jay’s chest, he can’t keep himself from celebrating with his friend, shoving Heeseung towards the elevator with a wide grin on his face.

“In third place…” The announcer’s voice trails off, allowing the quiet murmurs of the trainees to be heard.

Jake’s name is on everyone’s lips; after all, he’s the one who had received the benefit of doubled votes for the first 24 hours, and so would be expected to rank highly. Personally, Jay’s betting on either him or Sunghoon - while the benefit is certainly nothing to scoff at, Sunghoon had also been a scene-stealer in the Flicker stage, and Jay thinks it wouldn’t be unreasonable for him to stay within the top three -

“ Jay. ”

- since he’s so popular - wait. What? “ What? ”

“Jay!” Jake yells, sprinting at him at full speed and launching himself into Jay’s arms. “Jay, you’re third! You’re in third!”

It’s a frenetic blur of flailing arms and the commotion that comes with eight boys seemingly determined to crush Jay in a hug, laughing and cheering and screaming in his ears. Jay’s too stunned to do anything but allow himself to be shaken around like a ragdoll. He’s in third . Not only did he receive enough votes to stay, he received the third highest number of votes.

I’m safe , Jay thinks, and then, giddily, I’m in the top three!

He manages to extricate himself from the net of tangled limbs he’s found himself trapped in, composing himself just enough to face the judges who look similarly shocked and thrilled. He’s safe . The viewers really did save him - so many people must have contributed for him to have jumped to such a high spot. So many people who either liked him, or believed in him, or both. It’s such a mind-boggling feeling, to see a concrete manifestation of people’s support. I’m safe , keeps looping and looping in his mind. I don’t have to leave.

He enters the ridiculous egg elevator with the biggest grin he’s ever had the entire show, shoulders straight and head held high. In the short ride back to the lobby, he buries his face in his hands, beaming as he fails to repress the tingling sensation of euphoria travelling all over his body, all the way from his chest to his fingertips.

When the door opens, it opens to the sound of cheering, not as raucous as what he had left but no less enthusiastic. When he steps out, it’s to be greeted by Heeseung and Sunoo, the look of joyous relief evident on both their faces.

He can’t help himself, all his restraint flying out the window from how happy he is at the moment. He rushes down the steps and hugs the two of them tightly, tighter than he could’ve thought was possible. Heeseung’s laughter rings in his ears, but for a single, blissful moment, Jay zeroes in on the sensation of Sunoo’s arm wrapping around him, his nose tickling Jay’s skin as he tucks his face into Jay’s neck.

“Hyung,” is what he murmurs, breathless from his laughter and the tightness of Jay’s grip. “Hyung, you made it. I’m so glad you made it. I knew you’d make it. I knew.”

Jay can be forgiven for the thrill that rushes through his body, right? He can be excused for hugging them for longer than is probably necessary, basking in this glowing feeling, can’t he?

This warmth in his chest is just his happiness at getting to stay, isn’t it?

Yeah. That’s definitely it.

Softly, so their microphones won’t be able to pick it up clearly, Jay whispers into the miniscule space between them: “Give me back your letters after this.”

Somehow, Heeseung manages to be even quieter. “Not a fucking chance.”

-

“I just don’t see why I’m the one who has to go to Chamber 5 .”

This is possibly the sixth time tonight that Sunghoon has said this, sprawled out on the floor of Jay, Sunoo, and Heeseung’s new shared room. He had marched in here, trailing after his two new teammates, and dashed all of Jay’s hopes for a quiet evening.

Sunoo looks at Sunghoon from his bed, the older boy still lying defiantly on the floor as if in protest. Up until this point, he had been ignoring Sunghoon, an impressive accomplishment. “Is this supposed to make me change my mind?” he asks mildly. Jay suppresses a laugh at the dry expression on his face.

Sunghoon’s head shoots up, sending Sunoo a stink eye that would probably be more intimidating if he wasn’t in the middle of a childish tantrum. “Why don’t you take Jay instead? You’re all already roommates.”

Heeseung and Sunoo both turn to look at Jay with varying levels of interest on their faces. Jay feels unsafe. “What does being roommates have to do with anything?” he says indignantly. “Besides, I doubt they’d let Sunoo go back on his choice.”

“ Jay-ah ,” Sunghoon whines dramatically. “We’re best friends, right? You called me your one and only unit-mate, right? So can you please do me a solid and - ”

Jay throws a pillow at him. “Don’t say it out loud!” he hisses, cheeks flaming red. Although he doesn’t necessarily want to take any of the letters back for real, he doesn’t want their recipients just going around and broadcasting his messages to them.

“But it was in my letter - ”

“The letter!” Sunoo gasps, his face lighting up. Jay watches in dread as he leaps from his bed and digs through his belongings, pulling out a familiar handmade envelope. “I can finally read this, wah ~ ”

“Hey, don’t read it in front of me - ” Jay tries to say, but it’s too late. Sunoo carefully tears the envelope open and pulls the letter out, squinting at Jay’s handwriting. He reads it silently, eyes slowly getting narrower until they look almost shut.

Jay frowns, feeling shy. “My handwriting isn’t that bad,” he says defensively.

“You’re the one who called it chicken scratch here, though,” Sunoo cheerfully points out, making Sunghoon laugh out loud. He seems to abruptly remember that he’s upset with Sunoo, though, and quickly schools his expression back into one of displeasure.

In the meantime, Heeseung has also fished out his own letter, reading it quietly on his bed. Jay feels his cheeks grow warmer and warmer, stewing in his own apprehension as the silence extends.

Finally, Sunoo speaks. “ To Jay, Sunoo is an adorable - ” is all he manages to get out before Jay leaps across the space between them and yanks the letter out of his hands. Sunghoon and Heeseung roll over laughing as Jay and Sunoo tussle, Sunoo squealing when he accidentally sits on the bed remote and causes the head of the bed to elevate with a whirr.

“Don’t read it out loud like that!” Jay demands, keeping the letter out of Sunoo’s reach.

“ No , give it back, hyung!” Sunoo whines, making insistent grabby hands and almost smacking Jay in the face. “That’s my letter, you gave it to me - ”

Even after the roughhousing, Sunoo still ends up reading the whole thing out loud once Sunghoon leaves, and Heeseung quickly follows suit, Jay suffering through their good-natured teasing. Although Jay genuinely feels like crawling into a hole in the ground and never emerging after hearing his words being read in an aegyo-filled voice, he’s also somewhat relieved.

Sunoo hadn’t been, like, brought to tears or anything by Jay’s message, which is completely and totally expected. But neither did he seem to be disappointed by it, if the small smile on his face as he puts it away for real is anything to go by. He even thanks Jay again for it privately, in the quiet space of the washroom as Heeseung busies himself with aggressively washing his face.

So maybe Jay had been overthinking everything, which is something he’ll admit he tends to do. Something he seems to do with matters concerning… a certain someone in particular.

Alright, there’s no point in denying it - a disproportionate chunk of Jay’s brain seems to be focused on Sunoo these days, whether pondering his actions, or trying to map out the best way to approach him. It’s… strange, to say the least, and Jay doesn’t understand why the other boy keeps occupying his mind, even if he’s just barely in the periphery.

In theory, Jay thinks he knows why - he’s the kind of guy who dislikes not knowing where he and another person stand. It’s not that he wants to be good friends with everyone and be universally well-liked, although that would be nice. He’s just… it’s puzzling, interacting with someone and having their opinion of you be ambiguous.

Sunoo is confusing, and Jay just doesn’t do well with confusing. It’s not like Sunoo’s cold to him; it’s more like… like he isn’t as open with Jay as he is with someone like Jake, or even Ni-ki. Like, why does Sunoo still seem so distant even after all they’ve gone through? And why does Jay care so much, anyway? It’s not like -

Hmm. Alright, no, hold on. Backtrack a little.

That’s… Hm.

This could be a dangerous train of thought. Let’s. Let’s file it away. Yep. File it away and never let it see the light of day ever again.

“Jay-hyung,” Sunoo calls out, later that evening. Jay shifts slightly in his bed and pretends to be asleep. “Jay-hyung, can you turn off the lights in the dressing room?”

Jay lies still and doesn’t answer. For a moment, he thinks he’s successfully feigned sleep, but Sunoo starts laughing. “Hyung, you’re awake! Stop pretending!”

Jay groans, turning onto his side and covering his ears with the same pillow. “Please just let me sleep,” he begs, trying his best to block out the sound of Sunoo’s giggles. This is not conducive to his plans of ignoring the Sunoo-shaped issue in his brain.

He almost believes he’s been rescued when Heeseung steps in and starts mock-scolding Sunoo for bothering Jay, but this changes quickly once Heeseung takes Sunoo’s side and starts needling him to turn off the light, too. “Ah, Jay-hyung, come on, just this once,” Sunoo pleads, kicking his feet under the sheets and ah, is this how Sunoo sounds when he’s trying to get his way? It’s really kind of c-

“Ah, really,” Jay says, curling up and laughing in disbelief. “I hate you two so much, I’m gonna - ” He breaks off into unintelligible grumbling as he shoves his blankets off and walks to the dressing room, cursing how weak he is. “Yay!” Sunoo cheers, and then: “ Thanks very much! ”

Of course, Park Jongseong , Jay thinks disapprovingly, as he gets back under his covers with a warm face. Of course it’s that “thanks very much” that’s going to get you.

It’s useless to even sort through anything in his mind right now, so he simply decides to shut his eyes and fall asleep before either of his roommates get the bright idea to bother him for something else. Before he can work himself up by overthinking again .

He’s going to let Future Jay take care of this one.

-

Future Jay - well, Present Jay, now - can’t deal with this.

Present Jay is in no way equipped to deal with an obviously upset Sunoo, who’s come to the practice room to - well, he’s not sure. Jay himself had come here after Hanbin’s elimination to find a private, quiet room to just vibe and contemplate his existence and future, but obviously that’s not in the cards anymore. He knows Sunoo must be taking this particular elimination hard; after all, he’d purposely avoided choosing Hanbin for Chamber 5 in an attempt to give him an opportunity to shine. But Jay stands by what he’d told Sunoo in their practice room, and always would - it was never Sunoo’s responsibility to make sure Hanbin stayed.

“So why did you come here, then? Were you going to dance until you tired yourself out or something?”

Sunoo smiles dryly. Although Jay believes Sunoo looks best when he’s smiling, he doesn’t like seeing this kind of look on the other boy’s face. “The plan was to run back to my room from here and hope I was tired enough to fall asleep when I got there, so I guess you were close.”

This smile just feels… distant. It’s too careful. Too impersonal.

Jay hates when Sunoo looks like that around him.

He’s too tired to wonder why he even cares.

So when he suggests trying to bore Sunoo to sleep with his fun facts, he’s mostly joking. But surprisingly, Sunoo agrees - he agrees and shuffles over to Jay, sitting beside him on the floor. He’d sat beside him too, instead of sitting on any of the nearby chairs.

This is it! Jay’s brain thinks excitedly, to which he responds, wait, what? What is it? What’s happening?

Frogs don’t have belly buttons , his brain pipes up, and Jay sags in relief when he realizes that oh yeah, he’s excited because there’s someone finally willing to listen to his extensive repertoire of fun facts. It definitely isn’t because… okay, no, he’s derailing that train of thought right there. He’s just excited he can finally tell someone that the biggest living organism in the world is a giant mushroom. That’s it, plain and simple.

Except that isn’t enough to explain how touched he feels when Sunoo lets him know that he has been listening, that he’s paid enough attention to have an opinion on Jay’s ranking of best chicken flavors. That he actually cares enough to counter Jay’s choice, positing that honey garlic was better than garlic parmesan.

Jay doesn’t care about the chicken, not really. 

He cares that Sunoo slowly gets more comfortable around him the more he talks, comfortable enough to hug him and rest his head on his shoulder. Comfortable enough to sit quietly in a companionable silence, the closest they’ve ever come to a bonding moment.

Jay doesn’t want to spook him - doesn’t want to scare him off by being too forward and acting like… like they’re close. Like they’re good friends. Because they aren’t. Jay and Sunoo - they’re not close. Not the way he might like for them to be. “Hey, if you’re sleepy, you should get back to bed,” he says, already dreading the loss of Sunoo’s weight against him. “We both should.”

“‘M not sleepy.” Sunoo slumps against him even more, unknowingly sending Jay’s nerves into overdrive. There’s a short pause, and then - “I, um, I actually have a question for you.”

Jay raises an eyebrow. Sunoo has a question for him? “Shoot.”

Of course, Sunoo just has to say the exact words he never wants to hear again. “When you wrote us those letters - ”

“Not those fucking letters again,” Jay cuts him off, burying his face in his hands. God , would he ever live those down? He doesn’t regret writing them, but he’s beginning to wonder if any of his friends are ever going to let him forget about them. “You and Jungwonie gave me so much shit for those.”

“I thought it was sweet.” Oh, he thought it was - he thought it was sweet?

Oh , Jay thinks dumbly. He thought it was sweet . That’s - “You made fun of my handwriting,” Jay reminds him, feeling strangely nervous.

“I only did that because you brought up your handwriting yourself!”

They bicker back and forth until Jay remembers what had started this conversation in the first place. “What was your question, anyway?”

Sunoo blinks at him, startled. He looks… nervous , as he pauses and hesitantly opens his mouth. “Well - why did you give me one?”

Jay’s heart drops.

Oh, no. It’s just as he’d feared. Sunoo - no, Jay had failed to write out his thoughts in a way Sunoo would understand. But he hadn’t realized that he’d worded the letter so badly that Sunoo would be confused as to what his main message was. Had he been too general? Had he been too vague?

“Oh, Sunoo-yah,” he says, despairing. “I’m sorry.”

Sunoo blinks again, clearly not expecting his answer. “Sorry? What are you sorry for, hyung?”

Jay shakes his head. “My letter to you wasn’t a good one, was it?” At this point, there’s no use trying to justify the letter. All he can do is give weak excuses. “I’m sorry if it felt rushed. I wrote yours and Taki’s last, so both your letters were a bit shorter and simpler than the others. I guess - I guess I wasn’t able to put my thoughts down clearly. That’s probably why you couldn’t make much of it. I’m really sorry about that.”

He feels Sunoo squeeze his shoulder, a concerned expression on his face. “No, hyung, I - ” He shakes his head. “I’m not talking about that. It’s more like, um - I was surprised you even gave me a letter at all.”

Huh? “Why wouldn’t I?” Jay asks, genuinely confused. “Of course I’d give one to each of my friends.”

Unless Sunoo doesn’t even think that they’re… no. That’s impossible. Even Jay knows that’s a stupid train of thought.

“I’m not good with words,” Jay continues, shame curling in his chest. “I’m even worse at having to talk on the spot, especially if… well, if I’m sad, or emotional. I tend to keep my mouth shut during those times because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.”

“I think you’re wonderful with words, hyung,” Sunoo says, shaking his head. This time, the smile on his face is gentle. Genuine.

Jay’s chest loosens at the sight.

“Well,” he says, then pauses, wondering if he should actually do this. Then he decides, screw it , he’s already failed in his letter to Sunoo - the other boy might as well hear everything else that he’d thought about him. “I actually have a lot more to say to you. Stuff I thought about adding after I’d already given them out to you guys.”

“You have more to say?”

“I told you, I kind of ran out of time with you and Taki,” Jay mumbles defensively. “Do you want to hear it or not?”

“Should we have BGM for this?”

At this, Jay abruptly gets up and attempts to exit the room. Forget it , he thinks to himself, fully intending to leave, but he doesn’t get very far because Sunoo drops to the floor and wraps his arms around Jay’s legs. “I’m joking, hyung, I’m joking,” Sunoo whines, trapping him in place. “I’m sorry, I’ll stop teasing. Please don’t leave.”

“Forget I said anything,” Jay demands sullenly, trying to escape without pushing Sunoo too hard. “Can we just go to bed and forget I ever said anything?”

“I want to hear it, though,” Sunoo says stubbornly, then: “You’re always so sweet on Jungwon and Daniel. I want to hear nice things from you, too.”

And that - wow. It’s as if Sunoo’s said the magic words, the secret password required to unlock the floodgates in Jay’s brain.

Because that’s all he’s been worried about, at the heart of it - he’s been frustrated by how he couldn’t seem to approach Sunoo the same way he would approach Jungwon or Daniel, or even Sunghoon or Heeseung. Upset by how he felt like he had to be careful around Sunoo, and not to dote on him too much lest he scare Sunoo away.

And now, he knows: he was wrong. It was never like that. He realizes that maybe they’ve just been missing each other this whole time, both taking winding paths around each other when, really, it was all straightforward. Jay only had to reach out, because Sunoo had just been waiting, all this time.

“I’ll only say this once, so listen carefully,” Jay says, feeling strangely relieved. Everything he’s wanted to say to Sunoo, ever since he’s acknowledged how affected he is by the other boy - it’s all going to be laid out tonight. “I think you have a really unique way of… existing, in this world. And I know that sounds weird - I know it sounds weird, but I thought of it while I was thinking about my letter for you.”

“I was trying to find the words to describe how… how differently you treat the world around you. But that’s not the right word - I guess it’s how you react to the world? How you react to the world around you, and how you react to the rest of us.”

Sunoo hums in response, a curious expression on his face as he looks up at Jay. Even in all his unstyled self, bedhead and all, he looks lovely. Sunoo looks lovely. Jay allows himself that small thought, basking in the observation for once instead of pushing it away. “And? How would you describe it?” Sunoo asks, tilting his head.

Even when he’s silent for long enough that Sunoo releases him, long enough that they end up seated on a bench as Sunoo waits for him, Jay thinks he’s never going to find a better way to express what he wants to say. No amount of time, no number of letter drafts is going to improve his words when it comes to what he feels when he looks at Sunoo.

“There’s no sane way to word it, so I’m just gonna say it,” Jay finally says, feeling like his heart is going to beat straight out of his chest. “Sunoo, it’s like you exist to be loved.”

Sunoo blinks at him, obviously still confused, but it’s like a weight has been lifted from Jay’s shoulders. All of that worrying and thinking, for what? For him to come to terms with it this easily? Because that’s it, isn’t it? Sunoo’s like a star, a shining beacon in a galaxy full of space dust and rocks for people to gravitate to, to circle around. And maybe Jay’s just one of many people drawn into Sunoo’s orbit, but he’s here and he knows he’s not planning to try and escape any time soon.

Maybe he likes being a little caught up in Sunoo.

Maybe he…

-

The rest of the conversation is a blur to Jay, just spewing words in that typical blabbermouth way of his. It doesn’t matter, since he’s already said the most important part. Anything he adds is just extra.

After everything, Jay doesn’t know why he still expects Sunoo to simply hear his words and move on. Sunoo hadn’t disregarded his poorly written letter; Sunoo hadn’t zoned out even when Jay had gone on and on about something as inane as his favorite chicken flavors.

It doesn’t stop him from being surprised when Sunoo tells him, with all the softness of a gently glowing dawn: “If you think I exist to be loved, then I think you exist to love others.”

The sudden rush of warmth through his chest is practically expected at this point.

If you think I exist to be loved, then I think you exist to love others.

What a beautiful thing to hear.

Even when Sunoo fails to elaborate on that statement, it does nothing to dampen Jay’s mood. “I’m sorry hyung,” he apologizes. He looks like he genuinely feels bad, even though Jay’s never felt more at ease. “It looks like I’m the one who isn’t good with words.” 

But it doesn’t matter that Sunoo can’t explain why he thinks of Jay that way - some things, Jay thinks, don’t have to be explained.

Sometimes, it’s enough to know that the person you think about thinks about you, too.

“I hope you’re not as sad now,” is what Jay tells Sunoo later, after walking him back to his room. He means it - he hopes Sunoo learns it isn’t and would never be his fault that Hanbin was eliminated. He’s startled when Sunoo turns around instead of entering straight away, extending his arms to hug Jay even as he makes the grumpiest little face Jay’s ever seen. “I hate you,” Sunoo mumbles, yawning like a little cub. “You’re so nice.”

By now, Jay knows enough to recognize the unsaid thank you in Sunoo’s words. He pats Sunoo on the back, enjoying the contact. “Get some sleep,” he says, proud of how steady his voice is.

So really, with how well everything had gone during the night, Jay can’t be faulted for slipping up, right? It’s not like it’s so far-fetched for him to assume that doing something as innocuous as winking at Sunoo would do nothing more than make him laugh, right?

It’s something he would do to Jungwon, to Heeseung, even to K, something he wouldn’t have done to Sunoo before their talk in the practice room. It’s just a wink, nothing more, and yet…

And yet Sunoo only responds to him with a weak smile, immediately turning back to his food. He doesn’t even make eye contact with Jay again, not until breakfast ends and everyone scatters to their respective destinations.

Curse you, Kim Sunoo, you confusing mess of contradictions, Jay thinks despairingly, watching Sunoo ignore him.

Unable to help himself, Jay discreetly approaches Sunoo before practice starts. “Hey, Sunoo,” he says softly, making sure to give him space. Sunoo’s eyes dart to his face before dropping to the floor. That is not a good sign. “We’re good, right?”

Sunoo laughs nervously. “Of course, hyung,” he says, unable to meet Jay’s gaze at all. “We’re good.”

Fuck , Jay thinks, in his best I-Land narrator voice. They are not good in the slightest.