Archive of Our Own ^beta

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2020

Blaine still gets such a kick out of the moments when his music lines up with what is going on in his life. He walks towards his university building and the Legally Blonde (Remix) starts playing. Now, Blaine isn’t blond, legally or not, but he is a law student and the Remix always gets his spirits up.

Back in the game
(Yes!)
Back to the trial
(Yes!)
But I'm going back in my style
(Back in her style!)

' Cause it's a fact
(Yes!)
When you're attacked
(Yes!)
You've got to respond
(Got to got to got to got to respond!)

Bella’s once again waiting outside the lecture hall. She sees Blaine lip-syncing along.

“You’re in a better mood,” she says happily. Blaine is indeed in a better mood. He didn’t see Kurt this day. At this point he’s wondering if he truly saw Kurt yesterday. It has happened before that Blaine was just thinking about seeing Kurt, but Kurt was never actually there.

Yes, they stopped talking, but over the past years there have been several daydreams about seeing him again. What would happen? Some of those scenario’s ended in tears and screams. Some in relaxation and happiness with both of them being in a better place. Some are a bit more unclear, though.

Yesterday’s daydream was probably the most accurate and realistic: nothing happened. They’re no longer part of each other’s lives. Their friendship started feeling as an obligation and then it ended. Unexpectedly. Blaine doesn’t want to think about it.

“Sanders today?” Bella asks as they go inside.

“You’re making it sound like Sanders is the hottest club in town,” Blaine laughs.

“Isn’t it?” Bella jokes, “I spent more time at Sanders than at my own room. Which is why we gotta go out tonight.”

Blaine frowns. Bella’s always declining to go places since she wants to study. But maybe she’s right. Student life is supposed to be fun.

“What do you have in mind?”

“Yannick’s got a friend who lives in Kralingen-Oost.”

“Fancy.”

Bella rolls her eyes. Blaine’s the one living in a studio in the city center of Rotterdam. Sure, that’s fancy, but not Kralingen-Oost fancy. How is it possible for a student to live there?

“Anyway. There’s a party tonight. I thought we could go. And don’t dare telling me you’re too old, because that excuse doesn’t work on me. You’re only nine years older than I am.”

Blaine thinks about it. If Bella’s up for it, then why wouldn’t he? Maybe Bella’s right and this is something they both need.

The teacher starts the lecture and the two of them sit back in their seats.

College parties from movies are accurate about one thing: people are hammered. Blaine’s walking around with a red plastic cup in his hand and he’s looking for Bella. He’s lost her somewhere in the crowd. Often, Blaine is her wingman, although when Blaine finally finds her, he realizes she didn’t need his help today. Bella is kissing another woman against the fridge.

Blaine raises his cup as a salute before leaving her and her business. They all need to calm down after all this academic stress. He’s pleasantly buzzed and he loves being around people. Yannick seems to know everyone.

Including a Kurt Hummel.

Blaine grips his cup and he watches Kurt fucking Hummel talk to Yannick. He’s leaning against a wall and he’s laughing at something that Yannick said. Blaine blinks a couple of times, but no, he’s really here, which means that he was probably on the metro as well.

Kurt’s head falls back as he laughs and Blaine shouldn’t be staring. It doesn’t do him any good. After all, Blaine’s the one who broke contact because he was so ashamed of what he did. And then Blaine spent years banishing every thought of Kurt, but that never worked, no matter how hard he tried. It got easier over the years, because the distance grew between the past and present, but now Blaine feels like he’s been slammed back in time.

Kurt is here. In Rotterdam. At Yannick’s friend’s somewhat nice place in Kralingen-Oost.

Blaine should walk away, just like in the metro. They’re no longer part of each other’s lives and it should stay that way. Kurt didn’t want to talk to him yesterday, so why would he now?

Well, that’s how it is, right? Blaine starts to doubt himself, because Kurt’s stopped him and now he’s walking towards Blaine. Blaine downs his drink.

Chapter Text

2006

“It’s revolutionary!” Kurt yells excitedly. His voice cracks, but that’s part of being thirteen. He jumps up and down and he starts to sing along. Rent is an amazing opening number and it really gets you pumped up for what’s to come.

How can you connect in an age
Where strangers, landlords, lovers
Your own blood cells betray

What binds the fabric together
When the raging, shifting winds of change
Keep ripping away

Blaine doesn’t really join in. He’s a bit uncomfortable with singing, which Kurt thinks it’s ridiculous. Blaine has always had a gorgeous voice, even before it changed to this deeper tone. Kurt’s voice is still high, but he doesn’t mind, because he loves singing in falsetto.

Singing has always been part of the family, through his mother. It’s in Kurt’s blood. His ancestors were all very musical, according to his mother. Singing makes him feel closer and to his mom and it brings him joy.

He wants to share that joy with his best friend, no matter what Blaine says.

“Come on!” Kurt jumps towards Blaine and he takes his hands. He tries to hoist them up. Blaine tries to fight him, but he starts to laugh. Eventually, he gives in. The two of them sing their hearts out and at moments like this, Kurt’s happy that his basement room is relatively sound-proof.

When they finish, they’re both high on energy and they fall on the bed. They’re laughing.

“God, how did we miss this masterpiece?” Kurt sighs happily. The next song of the RENT OBC has started playing in the background.

“Uh, we were three years old when it opened on Broadway? That’s probably why,” Blaine deadpans.

“Fair. But how did we miss the movie premiere last year? I can’t believe I had to discover this in Blockbuster!”

Kurt became obsessed with the movie after he first watched it. He immediately bought the DVD, so that he didn’t have to rely on Blockbuster. He also asked for the CD, but his dad accidentally got him the wrong version, namely the OBC instead of the movie version, but it’s for the best. Kurt realized that he very much prefers the OBC.

“One day I will see this show on Broadway. It’s still running.”

“Together, right?” Blaine asks.

“Of course.”

After all, Kurt immediately introduced Blaine to the show. As Kurt’s best friend and a fellow theatre geek, Blaine had to know. Now, the boys spend a lot of time discussing it. They know there’s a recording of the Broadway version, but they don’t know how to get it.

Kurt loves the show. He really does. It might be overrated, since RENT is widely popular and the early demise of the composer only adds more drama to it, but there’s a deep reason why Kurt loves it.

And he wants to tell Blaine.

But he’s so scared.

Blaine is lying next to him and Kurt can see that he closes his eyes. Blaine loves hanging out at the Hummel house. He says he can fully relax here. Kurt’s hand itches to reach out to him.

Instead, he turns his head away. RENT awakened something within Kurt. When Kurt saw Angel appear for the first time, he knew that what he was feeling was real. There is a reason why Kurt can’t stop thinking about Danny from school.

“Blaine…”

“Hm?”

“Look at me.”

And he does. He has a curious look on his face, which only grows when he sees how nervous Kurt is.

“You like RENT, right?”

“Kurt, you know I do,” Blaine looks puzzled and yes, Kurt feels a bit embarrassed. He knows that, but it’s a question to lead to the topic. Blaine turns on his side and he’s fully facing Kurt now.

“I think…” Kurt trails off. He takes a deep breath. Blaine likes RENT. Blaine likes musicals in general. Blaine hasn’t become like other boys their age, obsessed with ‘pussy’ and swearing. He still goes home with Kurt to watch musicals and draw dresses. He doesn’t mind lying next to Kurt.

Still, Kurt is so incredibly scared. He closes his eyes.

“Kurt, you okay?”

Here he goes.

“Blaine, I think I am like Angel. And Collins.”

Kurt still has his eyes closed, but he can feel Blaine shift around. The mattress shakes a little bit and for a second Kurt’s afraid Blaine jumped away, out of disgust.

But when Kurt dares to open an eye, Blaine’s still lying next to him, staring at him. He looks serious and patient.

“I think I’m gay.” Scratch that. “I know I’m gay.”

“Okay,” Blaine says softly.

“Okay?”

Blaine nods and he smiles. “Thanks for telling me, Kurt.”

And Blaine smiles. It’s a genuine, wide smile.

“Thank you for being my best friend,” Kurt says back and his own smile matches Blaine.

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2008

Kurt’s lying on his back, staring at his ceiling. He’s waiting for Blaine.

One more year, he tells himself. Then they’re sixteen and they can drive to each other and they no longer need to rely on public transport. It will also allow Kurt to escape the school bus.

High school would’ve been so much more bearable with Blaine at his side.

It’s kind of pathetic how much Kurt needs him, to be honest, but right now he’s justified. He replays Mercedes’s words in his head.

Kurt and Mercedes became instant friends on their first year of high school. Without Blaine, Kurt spent the first few weeks unnoticed. No one paid him any attention, and it only benefited him. He knows it’s not Blaine’s fault that they’re not going to the same school anymore, but Blaine’s dad’s, but Kurt was so angry being lonely. Then Mercedes ran into him in the auditorium.

Blaine will forever be Kurt’s best friend, but damn, Mercedes has become a close second. Sometimes, Kurt suspects that Blaine is jealous, and that is fair, because he’s equally jealous of Blaine’s new friend Wes.

It’s stupid. They don’t own each other.

But when you’ve spent four years of your lives joined at each other’s hip, it takes longer than a year to readjust.

And they’re both glad to hear that the other is making friends. Well, if Mercedes is still Kurt’s friend after this.

See the father bent in grief
The mother dressed in mourning
Sister crumbles, and the neighbors grumble
The preacher issues warnings

Kurt groans and he moves to his CD player. Spring Awakening is his latest musical obsession. He initially wasn’t interested in a story about sex, but Blaine told him it’s a story about miscommunication and Kurt has to agree. Still, the last line of this part of Whispering is echoing in his head.

There is nothing wrong with him.

Mercedes doesn’t know.

But Mercedes can’t know.

The sound of someone descending the staircase makes Kurt sit up and as on a cue, the door opens and Blaine appears. He must’ve gotten here immediately after class, because he’s still wearing his Dalton Academy blazer and his hair is gelled back.

“Finally!” Kurt says jokingly.

“Next time you’re coming to my place,” Blaine mutters playfully, “The bus is hell, Kurt.”

Blaine takes off his blazer and Kurt hates that he likes that. The blazer looks good on him, but it’s a reminder that they don’t see each other every day anymore. They still hang out at each other’s houses after school, but sometimes they’re too busy to come over.

“You rang?” Blaine falls face-down on Kurt’s bed, next to him.

Blaine’s an amazing best friend for many reasons, but one of the biggest reasons is that Kurt’s coming out changed nothing between them. Some kids would call him a homo for lying next to another gay kid, but Blaine doesn’t care less. He never has.

What will Mercedes say, though?

“Mercedes has a crush on me,” Kurt explains.

“Poor girl,” Blaine says. He’s moved his head slightly so that he can look at Kurt.

“What do I do? I don’t know if I can tell her. No one knows, except for you!”

Not Kurt’s dad. Not Mercedes. Not even Rachel, another kid at McKinley who’s very vocal about having two dads.

“Well, what do you want to do?”

“I don’t know. She’s a friend, but how do I dump her without hurting her feelings and staying in the closet?”

Blaine’s still looking at Kurt, but he shrugs. He looks very apologetic when he does so. Kurt doesn’t have an answer for this problem, and neither does Blaine.

At least he’s happy that Blaine isn’t telling Kurt to just come out. It’s 2008 and things are slightly changing for the better, but it’s still scary.

“How do I tell her?”

“Maybe the same way you told me?” Blaine suggests, “Watch RENT with her. I can come along if you want.”

Kurt groans and puts his hands on his face. “But what if she tells people. What if my dad finds out?”

Kurt can feel Blaine move around and a few seconds later, Blaine’s sitting next to him, looking down on him. He has Kurt’s hands in his own to prevent Kurt from hiding.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do, but maybe you can tell him first? This way, you don’t have to worry about him finding out. It’s been on your mind, right?”

Kurt nods.

“And remember what I said last year in New York? I think he’ll be supportive, even if he doesn’t really like it.”

That’s indeed the thing that’s preventing Kurt from saying. His dad is such a manly man. He’s a mechanic, for God’s sake! But Blaine’s right. That same man bought him princess dolls and had tea parties with him.

Maybe Kurt can do this.

Kurt’s asked his dad if they can talk. They’re now sitting in their dining area with a cup of coffee. His dad usually doesn’t like Kurt drinking this much caffein at his age, but Kurt appreciates that his dad didn’t fight him. It’s his dad’s way of showing comfort.

Still, Blaine’s downstairs in Kurt’s room, as back-up.

Kurt didn’t rehearse this. He’s thought about telling his dad in many ways, but now that it’s happening, he can’t help himself. He wants it go be over as soon as possible.

“Dad, I’m gay.”

His dad looks down and he nods. Kurt’s heart breaks a little bit. Is he disappointed?

“I know.”

“What…”

“I’ve known since you were 4,” his dad says kindly. He’s not looking at Kurt, though. “All you wanted was a pair of sensible heels.”

Kurt lets out a teary laugh and the sound makes his dad look up. As expected, he’s not thrilled, but he’s… he’s understanding. Or, he’s trying.

“Thanks for telling me, kid. I love you.”

He gets up and Kurt thinks that’s the end of it, but to his surprise and relief, his dad moves closer to hug him. “Does anyone know?”

“Just Blaine,” Kurt answers, “He’s waiting downstairs.”

His dad makes an affirming sound. He knows that Blaine came over.

“Are you two, uhm…”

Kurt shakes his head. “He’s straight.”

“Ah, okay. Well, he’s a good friend.”

Kurt hugs his dad closer and he nods. “He is.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

2010

Finn and Kurt are dancing with their parents. It’s a lovely wedding reception. After the four family members – that’s still mind-blowing to Kurt – finish their dance, Finn, Kurt’s dad and Carole move to the family table.

Kurt has other plans.

“Not your seat,” Blaine says teasingly when Kurt sits down at his table.

“Not your seat,” Kurt mimics him, which makes Blaine laugh. Truth to be told, but Kurt prefers sitting with Blaine. Kurt even considered asking his dad if Blaine could sit with the family, but that would be too ridiculous.

Blaine is family, though. He was family before Finn and Carole even entered Kurt’s life. Blaine had time to get to know them as well. There was a small conflict between Kurt and Blaine, because both were jealous of Finn. Blaine was jealous of him, because Kurt had a crush on Finn and therefore he tried to be close to Finn, ditching Blaine.

That quickly went away when it became clear that Kurt and Blaine started to have a brotherly bond. But then Kurt got jealous of Finn, because Finn and Blaine bonded so quickly and Finn could’ve been the straight bro that Blaine hangs out with.

That also quickly went away. Blaine’s never had any issues with Kurt’s sexuality before, so why would he start having them? Kurt was projecting his own insecurities and that wasn’t fair.

Now, Kurt has a stepbrother and a stepmother.

Santana and Mercedes start singing a song, since Kurt’s friends are the band for this wedding, and Blaine holds out his hand.

“Care to dance?”

“I can’t pass an opportunity like that,” Kurt takes Blaine’s hand with a smile.

The two of them dance. Kurt spins Blaine around and he laughs. Others are on the dance floor too and Mercedes joins them after she’s finished her song. At one point she’s sandwiched between Kurt and Blaine and the three of them are laughing.

Mercedes’s head falls back on Blaine’s shoulder and Blaine has an easy smile on his face. Maybe the two of them will date one day. Kurt can picture it. It’d be nice if his two best friends would become a couple. Then the three of them would be friends forever.

Mercedes is obviously completely over Kurt. Kurt told her the truth and she accepted him with open arms. After that, Mercedes easily made her way into Kurt’s life and since Blaine’s a part of that, she in extension also became a great friend to Blaine. The two of them hang out together, even when Kurt isn’t there. At first it made him a little jealous, but now he’s happy to have such a solid group of friends.

Besides, it’s not like Mercedes is going to break the two apart. Kurt and Blaine have been best friends for seven years. Nothing can stop that. Their friendship is true, transparent, genuine and very heartfelt and Kurt’s happy to have Blaine.

At one point, Kurt has to be on stage, since he’s singing a duet with Finn, but he has no qualms over leaving Blaine and Mercedes together.

The music starts and Kurt’s so happy he fought for this song to be performed. It’s a song from a musical called Hedwig and the Angry Inch and Finn isn’t big on musicals, but when Kurt explained why the Origin of Love is one of the biggest love songs, Finn was fully behind it.

It’s a slow song, so the dancing has also turned into more of a slow dance. Mercedes rests her head on Blaine’s chest.

Kurt feels a sudden pang of jealousy, which is ridiculous.

Kurt knows that he should look at his dad and Carole, since he and Finn are dedicating this song to their love, but he can’t take his eyes of Mercedes and Blaine slow dancing. He tries to get a glimpse of Blaine’s face. Does he like this?

Will his beautiful dark eyes shine when Mercedes holds him? Will he flutter his gorgeously long eyelashes when Mercedes looks at him? Will a curl escape his gelmet when Mercedes ruffles his hair and will that curl fall on his gorgeous face? Will his strong, sturdy hands hold Mercedes with tenderness and care?

Kurt almost misses a beat of the song when he realises that maybe this isn’t something that he should be thinking about. Well, he’s just looking out for his two closest friends. Blaine and Mercedes are still dancing, but at one point, Blaine is facing Kurt and he waves happily when he sees Kurt looking.

Blaine’s smile lights up an entire wedding reception venue.

And that’s when Kurt realises that he isn’t jealous of spending less time with Blaine, if he and Mercedes get together. He’s jealous of the thought of Mercedes having him.

It's the story
of the origin of love
That's the origin of love, oh yeah

Chapter Text

2020

Me: this is Blaine I changed my number when
I moved to the Philippines a few years back

Me: but yeah, no more blocking

Blaine groans. Should he bring that up? He’s about to delete the message when he sees that Kurt’s typing.

Kurt: hello

Well, that isn’t the worst reaction that could’ve happened, but it also isn’t the best.

Me: I still have your coat btw

Bella’s returning Blaine’s coat. She’s already given him hell for ditching her and Adeola. But then Blaine told Bella why he left and she was very understanding and weirdly enthusiastic.

Kurt: oh, no worries! It wasn’t my coat

Me: … did you steal someone’s coat???

Kurt: lol it’s Yannick’s but I broke up
with him and then I stole his coat
when he got angry so no worries

Blaine’s eyes widen. That is a lot of information in one single message.

Kurt: feel free to burn it

Kurt: actually, no, think of the environment!!!

Me: sorry to hear about Yannick

Kurt: don’t be. It’s fine.

How do you text your former best friend who you’re possibly still in love with?

Blaine’s lying on his couch, listening to music. He’s wondering what to do with all of this. Honestly, Blaine should’ve expected this weirdness and confusion. He can’t look inside Kurt’s head, but he assumes that Kurt’s just as torn up about the situation as he is.

He replays yesterday’s conversation.

They’ve missed each other. Blaine made Kurt laugh over a shared memory. Kurt doesn’t want to be friends again.

Kurt doesn’t want to be friends again.

Kurt doesn’t want to be friends again.

Blaine closes his eyes, but he can feel the tears prickling. His heart feels heavy. It’s been quite some time since he’s last cried over his broken friendship. He has. He’s cried a lot. It got easier over the years, but the pain and regret never left. Losing Kurt was the most painful break-up he’s ever experienced. People don’t talk about how friends can break your heart.

Ex-friendship is so weird. It’s a rollercoaster. Blaine blocked Kurt. Blaine still thinks of him on his birthday. Kurt made him feel like crap. Random videos on the internet make Blaine want to show them to him. Their last two years of friendship were terrible. Blaine never wanted to lose him. Blaine’s tried to move the fuck away from him. Kurt’s part of some of the best memories of Blaine’s life.

This damn song from Everybody’s Talking About Jamie isn’t helping. The Wall In My Head is a brilliant number, but it only makes Blaine cry more.

And don't fall, I'm finding my feet
There's shoes to be filled
But this wall, is harder to beat
When it's one you helped build

It’s true that Blaine hurt Kurt. Blaine will always feel remorse for how he acted in the last two years, but Kurt wasn’t a saint either and he knows that. Blaine felt like crap when they were friends.

Maybe Kurt’s right. They shouldn’t be friends anymore. They weren’t good for each other. Kurt made it pretty clear in his final twenty minutes long voice message. He ditched Blaine, because he knew he had to choose for himself.

Blaine, Bella and Adeola are walking through the Koopgoot, doing some Christmas shopping. The three of them are staying in Rotterdam for the holidays, but they’re all sending presents home. Blaine’s actually very happy that he’s not going to be alone.

Once again, he’s so happy that he got paired with Bella during the Eurekaweek. And Adeola’s really nice too.

“We need to go there!” Bella says excitedly and she points towards the KKEC. It’s filled with typical gifts and, as they say here, hebbedingetjes. There a lot of plush cats in the shop window.

Blaine walks around and he laughs when he sees a rainbow coloured bar of soap, called the Gay Bar. He’s about to pick one up when someone beats him to it.

“Well, we keep running into each other,” Kurt says.

Blaine shrugs casually, as if he didn’t spend this morning crying over this person.

“Great minds think alike,” he says effortlessly.

“You’re also shopping for Christmas presents?” Kurt asks, “Or late Sinterklaas?”

Blaine never really got the hang of this Dutch tradition, so he shakes his head. Sinterklaas sounds cool. He’ll be in the country for a couple of more years, so he has time to learn.

“Christmas.”

“Right,” Kurt says with a nod. Then he raises an eyebrow. “Nice coat.”

Blaine can feel himself turn red. He’s wearing Yannick’s coat. It was an accident. One moment, he was crying in his living room, the next he was rushing downstairs because Bella and Adeola had arrived. He picked up the first coat without looking and he didn’t realise his mistake until they passed the Etos.

“Sorry about Yannick,” Blaine says lamely.

“I told you that it’s fine,” Kurt snaps.

Blaine instinctively flinches.

Kurt’s face falls. “Shit. I- fuck, I didn’t… Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not.”

“No. It’s not,” Blaine begrudgingly agrees.

“I’m also sorry. For yesterday,” Kurt says, sounding nervous.

“You mean when you said that you didn’t want to be friends again, and then you just walked away?” Blaine mutters. He needs to calm down.

“Yes. That. I should’ve at least demonstrated why I said that. It was kind of shitty to just dump that on you.”

“I understand why you said it,” Blaine says sadly. This truly is a rollercoaster. His emotional state goes between anger, sadness, remorse and hope in less than twenty-four hours. “You explained it seven years ago.”

“I never heard anything back.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to hear anything from me.”

“… Fair."

"What are your Christmas plans?” Blaine adds hastily, just trying to move away from this. He can do friendly chit-chat, but not a deep dive into the past, especially in the middle of the crowded KKEC.

Kurt clearly needs some time to switch between topics, but then he smiles warmly. “Dad and Carole are flying to Rotterdam.”

And Blaine’s smiles mirrors Kurt’s. The Hummel-Hudsons. God, he misses them as well. The thought of seeing them again makes him feel warm with affection.

“You?”

“Staying here. I can’t really split myself in two, with one half being with my mom and the other with my dad and Cooper. But Bella is staying too.”

At the mention of her name, Bella’s next to Blaine. She’s holding Adeola’s hand.

“Ready to go? We need to go back to Lush, it’s an emergency!” Bella says happily, unaware of what she’s just interrupted.

Or so it seems.

She gives Blaine a quick wink. Blaine doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say. At that same time, a woman throws an arm around Kurt.

“Ready?” she says. Blaine doesn’t know her, but Bella and Blaine exchange their ‘yes, another Asian!’ look. Kurt sees them looking.

“Oh, Blaine, this is Femke, my roommate. Femke, this is…” Kurt trails off. The woman, Femke, gives him a curious look. “An old friend.”

He’s not wrong.

Honestly, life is full of fucking surprises, because he didn’t plan on having drinks with Bella, Adeola, Femke and Kurt. He doesn’t even fucking know this Femke, but she’s talking everyone’s ears off and Adeola loves it. Femke’s Dutch and she’s moved here from the south and she’s very appalled to hear that most of them haven’t seen a lot of this country yet.

“We need to change this!” Femke says. Her Dutch accent is kind of grating. “How about a trip to, I don’t know, Maastricht? Nijmegen?”

“That would be amazing,” Adeola says excitedly, before anyone can say anything else. She turns to Bella. “Right, babe?”

Bella gives them a thumbs up.

“Kurt, come on!” she shakes Kurt, who laughs.

“Sure.”

Then everyone turns to Blaine.

“You’re in?” Femke asks.

Blaine quickly glares at Kurt. Then to Bella, who gives an encouraging look.

“Sure. Why not?”

Chapter Text

2011

Yes, it hit me just like a ton of bricks
Yes, my heart burst, now I know what life's about
One little touch and love's knocked me out

And I can hear the bells, my head is spinning
I can hear the bells, something's beginning

“I’ve always really liked this song,” Blaine says. He’s lying on Kurt’s bed, as usual, in Kurt’s new room. “Hairspray’s I Can Hear The Bells is just such a sweet song about being in love!”

Mercedes hums in agreement.

Kurt walks towards the bed so that he can fall down face-forward. He doesn’t need Blaine to see that he’s getting red. Honestly, lying next to the boy you’re in love with isn’t helping either, especially when that boy is your straight best friend of eight years. That’s why Kurt stopped doing it. He doesn’t know if Blaine’s noticed that he often jumps off the bed when Blaine tries to lie down next to him.

It’s just too much sometimes.

Kurt wishes he never realised that he’s in love with him. And he also hopes that Blaine will never realise.

Sometimes he’s afraid that he has, though.

Kurt allows himself to peek at Blaine. Blaine’s propped up on his elbows. He looks so good, even in that tacky Dalton blazer. He’s talking to Mercedes who’s sitting in Kurt’s new armchair and he laughs at something she says. It’s a nice laugh. Kurt hides his face again.

Blaine and Mercedes never got together. Blaine wasn’t interested. Blaine’s never really shown any interest in a girl before. Mercedes, on the other hand, seems to like this new kid at glee club called Sam. Since Kurt is not at all interested in or jealous of a possible relationship between Mercedes and Sam, he’s now certain that the jealousy is all about Blaine.

Kurt tries not to act differently, but he’s failed at times. That’s why Kurt’s sometimes worried that Blaine is aware of his feelings.

After all, there’s been a slight change from Blaine as well.

He’s now lying on Kurt’s bed, carefree and happy, clearly enjoying himself, but sometimes he gets moodier and sometimes he even acts like Kurt’s invisible. And, fair, they’re both under a lot of stress. They’re turning eighteen, they’re graduating, their adult lives are about to start.

Blaine has absolutely no plans.

It drives Kurt mad.

Which, in turn, drives Blaine mad.

But Kurt just wants Blaine to be happy. And he also, selfishly, wants to know if Blaine’s going to be in the area. Kurt’s planning on going to New York with Rachel. He’s already going to lose Mercedes, who hopes to go to LA, but he knows that and he can prepare himself for that.

But Blaine doesn’t budge. He assures Kurt that he’s talking about it with his supervisor at Dalton, but he never mentions what is being talked about.

And that worries Kurt.

“Kurt, dear, I know,” Mercedes sighs. They’re sitting in the Lima Bean. Mercedes takes a sip of her latte before saying: “But I am going to LA. We’re not going to stop being friends because of that! Why would distance break you and Blaine?”

“It’s different!” Kurt says. Blaine’s been in his life for eight years. That’s most of his damn life. And sure, the days where they saw each other every single days are long gone, but even though they have lives separate of each other and they’re going to different schools, they talk a lot. All the new technology has helped a lot. Even when they don’t see each other, they text or call.

Although that’s also becoming less. Kurt’s afraid to mention it to Blaine.

That’s another reason why Kurt’s afraid that Blaine knows about his feelings. Mercedes also knows, but she wouldn’t tell Blaine.

“What exactly are his plans for next year?” Mercedes asks.

Kurt shrugs.

After coffee they’re going to Mercedes’s house, since Kurt’s helping her out with some application work. The two of them are planning a lot, but Blaine never chimes in when they’re talking about their plans.

In fact, he seems to be actively avoiding it.

Kurt just wants to know what to expect.

“I don’t know where I want to go, Kurt. Stop pressing the issue.”

“Maybe New York?” Kurt suggests.

Blaine groans in Kurt’s pillow. They’re once again at Kurt’s house. They’ve stopped hanging out in Blaine’s house, because Blaine very much prefers being here. Kurt thinks that there’s something going on at Blaine’s house, but he waits for Blaine to bring it up.

Honestly, it’s kind of annoying that Blaine doesn’t seem to care about the future. He’s clearly more at home at Kurt’s house, or anywhere else than his own. Kurt kind of expected Blaine to be all over an opportunity to move out

Kurt tries to ignore the increase of his heartbeat and he sits down next to Blaine on the bed. He playfully pokes Blaine’s side.

“Come on!” Kurt says, “Rachel’s going. I’m going. Finn’s definitely considering it. The four of us could get an apartment together!”

Blaine rolls on his back. “What would I even do in New York?”

“I don’t know. That’s up to you,” Kurt says excitedly. He jumps off the bed with glee. “Let’s Google the options! Oh, this can be amazing!”

“Kurt, stop-”

“We can maybe both try out for NYADA,” Kurt rattles on. He’s moved to his desk to open his laptop. He starts typing rapidly. “I know you keep saying that you don’t know if you’re good enough, but you’re also singing lead at the Warblers.”

“Yeah, and we’re going to crush you!”

“Nah-ah!” Kurt laughs. He opens some webpages on education in New York. He looks over his shoulder to see that Blaine’s still lying there. “Come have a look.”

Blaine looks like he’d rather jump off a cliff.

“Come on!” Kurt says again and Blaine lets out a loud and annoyed sigh. Kurt wrinkles his nose in annoyance. He doesn’t expect Blaine to be overly grateful, but this isn’t very nice either. He’s doing this for Blaine.

Blaine puts his face on Kurt’s shoulder so that he can see the screen better and in that slight moment Kurt regrets that they’ve always had an affectionate friendship. Right now, he can feel his face heating up.

Blaine doesn’t notice. In fact, Blaine stares at the screen for a few seconds. Then he shrugs and he walks back to the bed.

“I’ll think about it,” he says lamely.

“The deadlines are soon, don’t forget!” Kurt says through his teeth. He really had hoped for a more enthusiastic reaction. “Don’t you want to be around me?”

“Kurt, what?” Blaine shoots him an incredulous look. It does relief Kurt. Blaine seems genuinely appalled at the thought. “Kurt, you’re my best friend, I always want to be around you!”

“Oh. Good. The feeling’s mutual.”

“But it might not happen, you know?” Blaine mumbles, “You’re definitely going to New York. I don’t know yet. I don’t really care, to be honest.”

“How could you say that?” Kurt says indignantly. He can’t imagine willingly staying in Lima. New York means freedom. He visited it last year for Nationals and it’s the city of his dreams. Blaine knows this.

“Look, I’ll check the deadline,” Blaine gives in, “But no promises, okay? If I forget, then I probably didn’t want it in the first place.”

“… Right. That makes sense,” Kurt says shortly.

Blaine groans in annoyance. “I’m not like you, Kurt. I just haven’t figured shit out yet. Give me time.”

“But the deadlines won’t care about that.”

Blaine lifts his head from the mattress and the two of them stare at each other for a while. It’s an awkward silence and Kurt’s not used to that. He’s about to say something more, but then Blaine lies down again.

“Whatever happens, we’re still going to be friends. I don’t need to be in New York to be your friend.”

“That’s true,” Kurt admits.

“See?” Blaine says, “We’re going to be fine.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

2011

Mercedes: okay, but that is ridiculous.
We’re not using hemp for our tents!!

Blaine: I agree. This sounds fake

Me: nope! Canvas is derived from the word cannabis

Me: like, obviously nowadays the hemp
has been substituted for other materials

Mercedes: lol

Blaine: are you sure this is real?

Blaine: like, I have a hard time believing this

Me: you can Google it

Me: also yeah I know the most about fabrics here

Me: fashion is like crack to me

Blaine: it just sounds so stupid

Me: obviously

Blaine: are you not making this up???

Mercedes: bruh he’d know better than any of us

Me: no why would I?

Blaine: idk it just sounds fake

Blaine: don’t mean to offend

Blaine: like I’m not saying you’re lying or anything

Blaine: but It just doesn’t sound believable

Me: ok

Kurt’s in the choir room and he takes a photo of the sheet music. Mr. Schue is making them do Journey again and it’s tedious.

That’s when he notices that Blaine’s changed his profile photo into nothingness.

Kurt shrugs and he sends his message.

Me: doing don’t stop believin’ for thr xth time makes me want to stop believin’

Me: wanna come over today?

Blaine hasn’t replied to his stab at Mr. Schue’s song choices, which is kind of weird. Blaine always has something to say about music. That’s why Kurt still thinks that Blaine should obtain a music degree somewhere.

Kurt stares at his screen. It looks like his previous message was never received. This current message also isn’t landing.

He swipes to another chat.

Me: did Blaine change his pfp?

Mercedes: no? why do you ask?

Me: ????

Mercedes: ????????????

Mercedes: Kurt, what is going on???

Me: I don’t see a pfp anymore
I see the standard whatsapp pfp

Mercedes: really? I still see his current one

Me: wtf

Kurt frowns. He quickly asks around. He has the numbers of some of Blaine’s Warbler friends and some of Kurt’s McKinley friends have Blaine’s number. Kurt and Blaine’s lives are always intertwined, so of course their friends know the other person.

Right now, everyone sends back the same answer. Blaine didn’t change anything.

Kurt’s frown deepens and he Google what it means when one person can’t see the profile photo while the others can.

His heart drops when he sees the search results.

He rushes back to the chat between him and Mercedes and he’s typing frantically. This can’t be real.

Me: Mercedes

Me: holy fk shit

Me: Mercedes wtf I think this means
that I am blocked ike bgoogle
says that it means thay he blocke d me???

Me: blaine blocked me???????

Mercedes is on a rant, but Kurt can barely follow her trail of thought. He’s sitting in his desk chair, staring into nothingness. It’s been a week since Kurt has heard anything from Blaine. He’s tried to message him through other social media sites, where he wasn’t blocked, but he got no answer.

Blaine just fucking blocked him out of nowhere.

Mercedes also tried to contact him and to make matters worse, Blaine hasn’t blocked her. He didn’t really reply, but he’s read Mercedes’s angry messages. Kurt’s just numb.

He closes his eyes and to his dismay, Company’s What Would We Do Without You plays in the back. It’s a fun song, but right at the end all the friends start to repeat the same phrase over and over again to Bobby.

What would we do without you?
How would we ever get--
How would we ever get--
How would we ever get--
How would we ever get--through?
What would we do without you?

What would Kurt be without Blaine? Who is he without Blaine? Blaine arrived in his life when he needed it. He was a sad, lonely child who felt misunderstood. Maybe it’s pathetic to build your whole life around another person, but Kurt honestly has no idea who he is without Blaine. They’ve been part of each other’s lives for eight years. Kurt’s madly in love with him.

Kurt slams his laptop shut. The sound makes Mercedes stop talking. She crouches in front of Kurt and she hands him a tissue. Kurt didn’t even realise that he’d started crying.

“What could’ve caused this?” Kurt asks desperately through his tears.

“When was the last time you spoke to him?” Mercedes asks kindly.

“The stupid canvas debate. But that can’t be it, right?” Kurt asks.

Mercedes looks confused too. “That can’t be it. I mean, if it were, then it’d be real fucking stupid.”

“Then what is it?”

Kurt’s looked back on their friendship in this past week and nothing stands out. It’s true that in the past year, talking to Blaine became tedious at moments. It was clear that the two of them were going in different directions in life. But this… well, this is unexpected. It’s not like their differences ever put them apart like this. Different is good. Different is what makes them compatible. And Blaine said so himself: no matter what happens, they will still be friends.

Well, he broke that promise.

“Is Blaine coming over?” Carole keeps asking. Kurt can’t really fault her. After a month of silence, it’s become clear to everyone that something’s happened.

But in the one year of this Hummel-Hudson family, Blaine was omnipresent. Kurt’s dad and Carole sometimes joked that they got a third son out of all of this. Blaine always moved around the house without any effort, as if he practically lives here. Kurt never felt at home like that in Blaine’s house.

So it’s a bit hard for everyone to readjust to this new life.

“Carole, stop asking,” Kurt’s dad says. He and Finn are setting the table for Friday Night dinner. They’ve already gotten used to only setting four plates. “You know it upsets Kurt.”

Kurt’s certain that he shouldn’t have heard that, but he nods. It’s true.

“I ran into Blaine the other day,” Rachel says casually during lunch. Mercedes looks at Kurt out of the corner of her eyes.

“Oh?” she then prompts Rachel to talk.

“Yeah, I just talked about you and how you’re doing and what you’re doing,” Rachel says, “I tried to get some information out of him, but it didn’t work.”

“But he talked to you?” Kurt asks.

Rachel nods, looking apologetic.

Kurt shoves his tray away from him. The cafeteria food is never proper, but now he isn’t hungry anymore.

“I’m sorry, Kurt,” Rachel says, “He just… didn’t say much. I talked about our NYADA auditions and about glee club and how you’re doing and I said that I was sorry that the Warblers lost their Regionals, but nothing. Sorry.”

“Kurt?”

Kurt sniffs and quickly dries his tears, but it’s too late. Finn’s head’s poking in the bathroom. Kurt thought he was home alone, but Finn must’ve crept in. This must be such a pathetic sight. Kurt’s crying in a dark bathroom over a broken friendship.

Finn turns on the light. “Dude, what is going on?”

And maybe it’s because Finn looks so genuinely worried, or maybe it’s because Kurt’s so fucking emotional, but he cries out that he just misses Blaine.

“I’ll kill him,” Finn says.

“Finn…”

“No, fuck, I swear! This isn’t cool. He just dropped you without an explanation. If Puck were to do this to me, I’d also be bummed, and the friendship between me and Puck is nothing compared to what you have! So yeah, I’ll kill him.”

Kurt knows that Finn won’t actually plan on killing Blaine and that it’s just an expression, but it still makes Kurt feel uneasy. Blaine is (was?) also friends with Finn. His entire family misses Blaine. Carole seems to believe it’ll all work out. Kurt’s dad is just as confused and upset as Kurt, or so it seems. Finn’s the only one who’s already harbouring a grudge.

“You’ll have to catch him first,” Kurt says sadly, “Right now it looks like he doesn’t want to be seen.”

Finn sits down on the cold bathroom floor.

“Who knows, man? You guys always expected to be in each other’s lives forever.”

Kurt nods. That’s true. Even now he can’t envision a future without Blaine being at his side. And the worst part is that he still hopes that it’ll happen.

Chapter Text

2020

There’s this song called Telephone Wire from Fun Home the musical. Blaine always loved the raw emotion of that song. Right now, he’s standing in an empty alley in Nijmegen and Kurt’s looking at him, waiting for Blaine to finally tell him what’s been on his mind for years, and all Blaine can think of is the most painful lyric of that song.

Say something!
Talk to me!
Say something!
Anything!
At the light
At the light

This can't be our last—

The abrupt interruption of Big Alison’s sentence always hurts, because that’s what it felt like when Kurt and Blaine stopped talking. They had so much to say to each other. Tension had spiked. Yet, instead of trying, Blaine blocked Kurt.

It was a rash, irrational decision, but that same decision ruined everything and he couldn’t take it back, especially since the first fight that led to Blaine irrationally blocking him. He doesn’t want to confront this, even after seven years. Blaine would rather set himself on fire, or jump off a cliff, or have his appendix burst, or… or…

“Yes?” Kurt says impatiently.

And that’s all it takes for Blaine to break down.

“See? This! This kind of bullshit, Kurt!” he says back, “Your goddamn belittling tone.”

“I haven’t-”

“Shut up. I let you talk. Now let me say my thing.”

Kurt’s mouth snaps shut.

“Do you think it was fucking easy for me, to… to constantly- constantly be around your perfect life?” Blaine says harshly, “Your amazing dad and loving stepbrother and stepmother? Meanwhile, my dad was cheating on my mom. They’re divorced now, you know? And then all the fucking college stuff! It was hard to see how much you had it all figured out. And Mercedes. This law degree is my first study, Kurt, because I didn’t fucking know what to do with my life!”

Kurt tries to say something, but then he remembers that he’s agreed to let Blaine vent.

“And you kept… you were… you pushed me! You kept pushing me! Always so fucking pushy and disappointed when I didn’t do what you suggested. You were basically… you just- everything was too much, Kurt! Too fucking much!”

“I was just-”

“Shut! Up!” Blaine yells again. He closes his eyes, because he knows what Kurt’s going to say. He knows that Kurt’s going to be right. “That’s the worst part of it all, Kurt. I know- I know! You were trying to be a friend and I was being unfair. I fucking know that all of that doubt and jealousy was in my… head. I was never really angry at you. I was always angry…”

“At yourself,” Kurt finishes.

Blaine nods. He feels the shame rise. It reminds him of all those years ago, when Blaine blocked Kurt and Kurt sent that voice message. He was so ashamed of himself. That’s why he never tried to save their friendship in that time between the block and the voice message. If the shame of the first block was terrible, then the shame after the second one was immense.

How could he face Kurt after doing all that? All because he couldn’t handle the truth.

“I know it was all in my head, Kurt,” Blaine says silently. The anger is gone and the shame is back. He hates the shame. It was easier to be angry at Kurt and to believe that Kurt deserved it, because then Blaine didn’t have to admit that he ruined it. “But it’s still how I felt. You made me… feel-” Blaine needs to take a breath. “Feel so stupid sometimes. Especially when you were in New York and I was stuck in Lima. That made it so much worse. You had it all. And I know your life wasn’t perfect. I know- fuck, I’m just trying to make you understand why I did what I did. It was way fucking easier to just pretend you didn’t exist, so I started to distance myself from you and I’m sorry, but it was easier! And then the fights happened and it was just easier…” To hate him. Blaine doesn’t want to say that out loud. It was easier to be angry at Kurt than to have to accept that Blaine’s life was a mess.

And maybe Blaine did hate Kurt at one point. Even though it wasn’t intentional, Kurt really made him feel terrible.

“Blaine…”

“I was too messed up, Kurt. Too messed up. And it cost me you.”

And Blaine hasn’t even touched upon the other part of the story. The feelings. The big queer awakening that Kurt caused.

Blaine really hated him back then. It felt like Kurt couldn’t leave his thoughts, even though they hadn’t spoken in a year. It’s really weird to realise that you’ve been in love with a person for years.

“Blaine,” Kurt says again, “Blaine, I’m sorry. I never- I suspected, but I never knew. But I understood. I’ve also thought a lot about it. You blocked me, not Mercedes. Which is probably the thing that hurt the most-”

“Kurt-”

“But I think I knew that I was… too much. It was too much for you to confront me. Mercedes was easier. Mercedes was angry, and you could yell back. But with me, you had to confront your issues.”

Blaine lets out a deep breath. It’s true. Fuck, Kurt’s always been the smarter one.

“I… that’s what hurt the most. You once again gave up so easily. You threw away a ten year old friendship as if it meant nothing.”

“It did mean something!” Blaine says desperately. He opens his eyes to look at Kurt, so that Kurt can see how much he means it. “You were my everything.”

“You were going to be the best man at my wedding,” Kurt agrees.

“You were going to be the godfather of my children,” Blaine says back.

“You were going to be at every birthday, until we were old and grey.”

“You were going to be my roommate in the nursery home.”

The two of them laugh sadly. How naïve were they as children? Why did they think it was realistic to look so far ahead?

“And now we don’t even know each other,” Kurt laments, “Right now I want to ask you so many things because I'm curious about your life but then I get angry at the fact that you blocked me which led to me not knowing and it’s just anger and sadness and confusion and-”

“What do you want to ask?” Blaine cuts in.

“Everything,” Kurt answers, “But I don’t- maybe we shouldn’t…”

“Yeah,” Blaine mutters.

“Yeah.”

“I… think I’m going home,” Blaine says quietly, “We never should’ve tried this. Hope makes us stupid. We tried to be friends again after the first block and that didn’t work out either.”

“Yeah,” Kurt says again.

Bella Kim: wtf???? Where are you????

Me: Rotterdam

Bella Kim: 😢😢😢

Bella ditched Adeola for this. Kurt, Bella, Adeola and Femke all stayed in Nijmegen, but Bella was planning on going home with Adeola. Now, she’s sitting on Blaine’s couch.

“I’m sorry, Blaine.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Blaine says sadly, “Everything’s just a mess. We’re both on the same page. That’s at least something. It explains why Kurt’s so kind one moment and so cold the next.”

“What page?” Bella asks.

“Wanting. And not wanting to want,” Blaine was woefully. Bella raises an eyebrow in question, so Blaine explains that he sees this entire thing as a rollercoaster. They’re so torn up about the entire situation. They both want to try. They both have hope. But it always goes to shit.

Bella looks guiltier and guiltier as Blaine goes on.

“What?” Blaine asks at one point, “You had nothing to do with this.”

“I… uh…” Bella clears her throat, “Uh.”

“Bella?” Blaine sits up straight. He leans forward. He doesn’t like her nervosity.

“I may or may not have… tried to push you two together,” Bella admits.

Blaine frowns in confusion. That makes no damn sense. Bella didn’t even fucking know Kurt until that day in the Koopgoot. Sure, Blaine’s talked about him and he’s shown photos, but Bella is ridiculous now. He tells her that.

“Look, you were miserable!” Bella says, instead of explaining herself, “And I saw that you regretted how you left it off!”

“Bella. What do you mean?”

Bella looks guilty again. “I suggested TOFFLER, because I overheard that Yannick was going to be there, so I took a wild guess.”

Blaine gets a bit annoyed.

“That’s-”

“And I saw him through the windows in the KKEC, which is why I insisted on going inside. And I really wanted you to go to Nijmegen with us.”

“… Bella,” Blaine snaps. He’s jumped off the couch in agitation.

“Sorry, I know-”

“A few meetings won’t fix what happened!”

“I know now, and I’m so-”

“No,” Blaine says angrily, “No, Bella, no! What the- that’s none of your business! What’s happened is between Kurt and I. I told you all of that because I wanted to vent, not because I- Jesus, Bella!”

Bella’s gotten up too. She tries to calm Blaine. “It was out of line, I know-”

“God, fuck this!” Blaine turns away from her, “You know what’s your problem, Bella? You’re so fucking naïve. You’re only eighteen and yet you think that, since you’re an adult now, you know how the world works.”

“That’s not fair,” Bella snaps back. She now sounds angry too. “I was trying to help!”

“Well it fucking backfired,” Blaine says, “I left Nijmegen early! God, don’t poke your nose in other people’s business.”

Silence.

But then-

“Okay,” Bella says quietly, “Okay. I’ll go. Bye.”

Blaine’s still not looking at her, but he sees her in the reflection of his window. Bella’s gathering all her stuff and she rushes towards the door. Blaine wants to turn around and stop her, and apologise, but he’s still the same person he’s always been. He still lashes out and pushes people away.

He closes his eyes and he hears Bella leave.

Chapter Text

2011

Four months is nothing compared to eight years, but four months feels so fucking long. Before this, the longest Kurt and Blaine have gone without speaking was two weeks. Blaine and his family went on a vacation to the Philippines when they were twelve and they didn’t have a mobile phone yet.

Well, Blaine did send a card, so maybe they didn’t go without speaking for two weeks.

It sucks. Some big things have happened in these four months, like Kurt’s NYADA audition, and Blaine isn’t there. After four months, Kurt’s gotten used to it. He went from checking Blaine’s profile picture on a daily basis to a weekly basis and now he only checks if he’s still blocked when he feels like it.

One day he realises that he’s no longer blocked, but Kurt doesn’t send anything. He doesn’t know what to do.

Kurt can’t sleep. He’s lying underneath the covers with his earbuds in, so that he won’t wake the others. He knows that he has to get up early, but it’s past midnight and he’s listening to Once On This Island because he feels like it.

But when Forever Yours (reprise) starts playing, his chest feels heavy.

You gave him love
Love he would soon betray!
You gave him life
I am the price you’ll pay!

Sure as the grave
You must accept what is...
Now your life is
Forever mine...

By the end of the song, Kurt’s in tears. He isn’t crying over Ti Moune and Daniel’s story, but about his and Blaine’s story.

Kurt loves Blaine. He loves Blaine so damn much it hurts. After two years of being in love, it’s become something he’s gotten used to. He doesn’t think much about it. The grass is green. Water is wet. Kurt’s in love with Blaine. The sky is blue.

But now that Blaine’s gone, it hurts even more. And sure, Blaine doesn’t know that Kurt’s in love with him, or so Kurt thinks, and Blaine’s straight so he’s definitely not in love with Kurt, but they have another kind of love. Their friendship is everything to them, or so it used to be.

And honestly, Kurt cannot hold on to this. Blaine’s the one who turned his back on this. Kurt’s still crying when he opens WhatsApp.

Me: I cant do this

Me: I cant fucking do this anymore

Me: ive been waitying for a sign of life

Me: but I think I’m nt getting it

Me: idk why you did this

Me: but fick I need to end this for myself

Me: I deserve closure and ive been waiting for this for too long

Me: but im not gonna get it

Me: if this is what you want then have it

Me: I cant do this

Me: I miss you like crazy and yoj don’t seem to care

There are many more thoughts, but Kurt locks his phone, turns off the music, and tries to sleep. He’s giving Blaine a last chance. Now Kurt waits.

Blaine replies the next day. Kurt almost laughs at the desperation. Blaine writes how much he fucked up and how he regrets everything and how Kurt can kick him, slap him, shake him whatever, because Kurt’s the most important person in his life and Blaine needed these sleep-deprived messages to see what’s in front of him. Blaine wants to fix it and he’ll do whatever he can.

Kurt shows the messages to Mercedes. After all, Blaine sent them while Kurt, Mercedes and some others are at the Lima Bean. Kurt wanted to check something on his phone when he saw all the new messages.

“What will do you?” Mercedes asks.

Kurt doesn’t know. He’s been waiting for this moment for four months, but now that it’s actually here, he’s angrier than before. At first he was sad, but now he can’t help but feel annoyed. Blaine’s acting as if he’s suffered so much.

“I’ll see.”

Me: No.

Me: No, you don’t get to do this.

Me: You don’t get to ignore me for 4 fuciking
months only to crawl back like it’s nothing big

Me: I cried. I cried so damn much. I was hurt

Me: Don’t act like you’ve been hurt the same way
when you seemed to be doing fine without me

Me: So we’re not going to meet up now

Me: Here’s what you’ll do Blaine

Me: You’re going to take a fucking step
back and think about what you’ve done

Me: Because right now you’re only coming back,
begging for forgiveness, because I was done

Me: If it hadn’t been for that, you would’ve been fine with this

Me: Text me again when you’ve fucking thought about it

Me: No worries. I’ll be waiting

“You did the right thing,” Kurt’s dad says proudly.

“Yeah?” Kurt asks nervously. He was so certain of himself, but now he’s wondering if he’s being too harsh. Mercedes and Rachel also complimented Kurt, but his dad’s opinion matters the most.

“Yes,” his dad says, “I think it’s proper that you’re giving him a chance while also pointing out that he can’t get away with this.”

“I agree,” Finn says.

“Finn, don’t speak with food in your mouth,” Carole chastises him. Then she turns to Kurt. “But I also agree, honey. I think it’s good that Blaine takes some time to think about what happened.”

“So I wasn’t too mean or-”

“Dude, even if you were, it’s nothing compared to the shit that Blaine pulled,” Finn cuts him off.

Kurt’s dad and Carole both hum in agreement.

Blaine: can I come over?

Blaine: I’ve been thinking a lot this week

Blaine: or maybe I can come to McKinley, since we’re both busy

Me: I’d like that

Blaine’s loitering outside the choir room. Santana taps Kurt’s shoulder to tell him that Blaine’s here. Kurt turns to the door and it’s true. Blaine’s wearing his Dalton blazer, which means that he’s indeed cutting class for this.

Kurt asks Mr. Schue if he can be excused and he leaves the choir room before Mr. Schue can answer.

“Hi,” Kurt says awkwardly. He’s face to face with Blaine for the first time in months and he hates that his heart skips a beat. Blaine hasn’t changed at all.

“Hey.”

“Should we go outside?”

The two of them walk in silence and the tension is almost unbearable. Kurt can almost feel Blaine’s guilt. Good. Once they’ve left the building, Kurt gestures to Blaine to talk.

“I’m sorry, Kurt. I truly am,” Blaine says, “I meant what I wrote. I never should’ve let this happen. You mean the world to me!”

“Then why… did this happen?” Kurt asks. He’s been wondering this for four months. He’s thought it over so many times. He’s discussed it with Mercedes, with his dad, with Carole, with Finn, but no one understood it.

Blaine stares at the ground.

“Was it…” Kurt trails off. It can’t be. “The discussion about weed canvas?”

And to Kurt’s utter horror, Blaine nods.

“What. The. Fuck.”

“It’s stupid-”

“It sure as hell is!” Kurt yells angrily. He had made a plan. If Blaine wasn’t going to express any remorse, then Kurt would be angry. If Blaine was going to express guilt, then Kurt would try to be forgiving. But that plan was created before all of this.

“Sorry.”

“Really?” Kurt says, indignantly. He puts his face in his hands and he takes a deep breath. “Really?”

Knowing that Blaine willingly threw away an eight year old friendship over something so small and insignificant hurts more than all the pain and loneliness of the past four months.

“I know!” Blaine says desperately, “Which is why I never- I was so ashamed of ruining it over something so small!”

“So you just let it go altogether?”

“I couldn’t face you after that!”

“And now you can?”

“I really needed that wake-up slap,” Blaine sounds even more desperate, “Because my embarrassment is nothing compared to losing you. God, you’re always so right. You’re… always right.”

Kurt kicks the ground, since he doesn’t know what else to do.

“Now what?” he asks.

“Let’s just pretend this never happened!” Blaine suggests.

And a part of Kurt knows that this is a bad idea. He knows what they should talk it out. He knows that this isn’t something they can ignore.

But a bigger part of Kurt is just so happy to have the possibility to be friends again. He nods.

“Hey, what a surprise,” Mr. Schue says when Kurt re-enters the choir room with Blaine in tow.

“No worries, sir, I’m not a spy. We’ve lost.”

Mr. Schue nods. “Sorry to hear that.”

He doesn’t sound sorry at all, but no one in this room is. The New Directions still make a chance!

“Blaine’s just visiting,” Kurt says quickly.

“Well, have a seat. The more the merrier,” Mr. Schue says.

Kurt and Blaine sit down and Mercedes throws an arm around Blaine. They lean closer and Kurt sees that Mercedes has something to say, but Kurt doesn’t want to impose. After a while, both Blaine and Mercedes smile at each other.

Santana also nods with a smile. Rachel waves. Sam holds out his fist for a fist bump. And so on. Everyone seems to have accepted that things are okay again.

Only Finn’s seething.

Kurt ignores him.

Chapter Text

2020

Kurt: Blaine

Kurt: Blaine, please, don’t let what
happened between us in the past ruin the present

Kurt: don’t make the same mistakes

Kurt: talk to her

“Station Oosterflank. Vergeet niet om uit te checken. Station Oosterflank.”

Bella lives eight metro stops away, in the Prins Alexander area. Blaine gets off at the right station and after a ten minute walk, he’s in front of Bella’s building.

He doesn’t even know if she’s in. They were supposed to hang out today to plan for Christmas, since that’s only five days away. When Blaine rings the bell, the door does open for him, so someone’s let him in. It might be one of the roommates.

He’s proven right when he knocks on the door of Bella’s shared apartment.

“Hey, you’re Bella’s friend, right?” the roommate says.

Blaine nods. “Yeah, is she here?”

The roommate steps aside so that Blaine can go in, so that probably means that Bella’s home. He thanks the roommate before making a beeline to Bella’s room. He takes a deep breath and knocks a couple of times.

“Jeroen, I’m busy,” Bella calls from the other side of the door.

Blaine clears his throat. “Actually, it’s me.”

Blaine can hear some movement and the door flings open. Bella looks dishevelled and when Blaine looks over her shoulder, he sees Adeola. He needs to act fast.

“I’m so sorry!” he blurts out before Bella can close the door, “What I did yesterday was unfair and I was taking out my anger on you. You apologised for your invasive behaviour and I really appreciate that. I shouldn’t have said those mean things!”

There. It’s out there.

Bella doesn’t say anything, but the corner of her mouth curls up. Blaine sees that as a win.

“Right. I won’t keep you then,” Blaine says, glancing at Adeola, who waves when she notices that Blaine’s looking.

Blaine turns around, but then he feels a hand on his shoulder.

“Come in, we need to plan for Christmas.”

Blaine turns back and he sees the look on Bella’s face. It’s genuine.

“I’m still invited?” he tries to joke, but it falls flat.

“Oh Blaine,” Bella sighs and she pulls him in a hug, “Of course, you fucking idiot. But don’t ever act like that again.”

“Sorry. It’s what I do.”

Blaine would like to think that he’s learned from his friendship with Kurt, but apparently that’s not true. At least this time he tried to get over his guilt so that he could apologise. And Kurt also told him to do so. Those four messages brought Blaine back to reality.

“Bella?”

“Hm?”

“Kurt kinda convinced me to talk to you. How does he know we had a fight?”

“Oh. Uh.”

“Are you two… talking?”

“No!” Bella says quickly. She pulls away so that they can face each other again. “No, but, uhm. I kinda told Femke? I didn’t expect her to tell Kurt!”

Adeola also looks embarrassed and Blaine sighs.

“What is happening, girls?”

Adeola gets off the bed and she takes Bella’s hand. The two of them exchange a quick, nervous look.

“Femke, Adeola and I, uhm, we have a WhatsApp group called… Look, I don’t know how to pronounce it!”

Bella takes out her phone to show Blaine. It’s called the ‘lekker met de meiden klainen’ group and Blaine has absolutely no idea what it means.

“We’ll get rid of it!” Adeola quickly says when Blaine keeps frowning at Bella’s screen.

“It’s completely out of line. I’m sorry, I should’ve deleted it after yesterday!” Bella adds.

“Wait, is this group about me?” Blaine asks, aghast.

“… and Kurt,” Adeola says silently.

Bella waves for his attention. “Really, we’ll get rid of it! We’ll tell Femke right away!”

Blaine stares at the two women and he should maybe feel a bit angry, because he was very annoyed and angry yesterday when he found out that Bella was poking her nose in his and Kurt’s business, but right now, the absurdity of the situation just makes Blaine burst out into laughter.

“You three have a group chat about me and Kurt?” he laughs.

Bella and Adeola exchange another look, but now they seem surprised.

“Well, the three of us spent half a day with you two and we both realised that this-” Adeola gestures vaguely in Blaine’s direction, “-was a disaster.”

“Femke told us that Kurt’s going through the same emotional journey as you, so the three of us… kinda decided to keep each other updated. Sorry?” Bella grimaces, but Blaine laughs again.

“God, this is ridiculous, ladies.”

The three of them are on Bella’s bed. Adeola’s sitting against the headboard and Bella’s head is in her lap. Adeola plays with Bella’s hair. Blaine’s lying next to them and he feels a bit bad for interrupting their day, but they let him stay!

Hanging out on a bed reminds him of all the times in Kurt’s room.

It doesn’t help that Bella’s put on some showtunes. Bella and Adeola aren’t even into musicals, but they think that Six has an amazing album and Blaine has to agree.

I don't need your love, no, no
No, I don't need your love, no, no
There's nothing left to discuss, no, no
But I don't need your love, no, no

“You know, I Don’t Need Your Love isn’t a romantic song to listen to with your partner,” Adeola deadpans.

Bella props herself up so that she can kiss her girlfriend and Blaine once again wonders what the fuck he’s doing here. He feels a slight stab in his chest when he sees how happy Bella and Adeola are. They’re supposed to discuss Christmas plans, but instead they’re just chilling and Blaine’s a third wheel.

“Well, the song fits my life then,” Blaine says with a chuckle.

Both Adeola and Bella stare at him.

“Does it?” Bella asks.

“I mean…” Blaine trails off. Then he shrugs lamely.

Bella throws one of her stuffed animals towards him and the bear lands on his face. Blaine lets out a shocked laugh.

“Bella Kim!”

“Blaine Anderson!” Bella says back in the same tone, “You need love in your life!”

“I have love in my life!” Blaine argues and he leans on his elbow so that he can anticipate another stuffed animal to the face, “I have you, my friends! And my parents and brother!”

“Fair,” Adeola says, “If being single makes you happy, then it’s kind of rude to immediately ask when you’re going to date.”

“Exactly!” Blaine says and he points towards Adeola to show that he’s serious. Damn, he should give Cooper a call.

“Okay, valid,” Bella relents, “But - and I’m sorry for prying – you also told me about Kurt. The feelings haven’t resurfaced?”

“No,” Blaine lies. Well, it isn’t a lie. They couldn’t really resurface, since they never left. But Blaine’s gotten great at repressing them, mostly by dating other guys. He’s had six years of practise. Sometimes, they slipped through, but Blaine held them off.

And he will continue to do so. He really doesn’t need Kurt’s love.

At this point, Blaine’s long past the feeling of surprise when he runs into Kurt. Yes, Rotterdam is a big city, but everyone uses the same big shopping places. Sure, the chances of them running into each other are still small. There’s around half a million people living in the municipality of Rotterdam. Yes, Blaine’s checked.

One thing he didn’t expect, though, is to see Burt and Carole.

There’s only a small distance between Kurt and Blaine, but there’s a global distance between the Hummel-Hudsons and Blaine!

Kurt once mentioned that his parents were coming to Rotterdam for Christmas, but he and Kurt haven’t spoken since Nijmegen and he and the Hummel-Hudsons haven’t spoken in years.

Honestly, all Blaine wanted to do was buy an AH saucijzenbroodje at the Albert Heijn in the Markthal. De Martkhal is an impressive building and a lot of tourist want to see the inside and its Tijdtrap, and this includes the Hummel-Hudsons.

He’s about to turn around when Carole spots him.

“Blaine, is that you?”

Oh God.

And now she’s walking towards him. Blaine’s basically trapped.

“It is you! Kurt mentioned that you live in Rotterdam!” Carole gushes. Blaine quickly glances at Kurt. Did he? “It is so lovely to see you, it’s been too long. You weren’t at the- It’s been too long!”

Carole looks red in the face and Blaine knows that she was going to scold him for not showing up at Finn’s funeral. He got an invitation. 

Kurt and Burt also come closer. Carole is absolutely over the moon and Blaine’s heart fills with love. She’s such a kind woman and in those few years she basically became a second mother to him. Blaine’s mom and Carole really liked each other.

Blaine looks over to Kurt and Burt. Kurt is checking something on his phone and Burt seems very… Well, he isn’t pleased to see Blaine.

“Blaine,” Burt says shortly.

“Burt,” Blaine says nervously.

“Dad,” Kurt hisses, but Blaine heard it. That’s his cue.

He holds up his saucijzenbroodje. “I should probably go upstairs.”

“You live here?” Carole says in amazement. Blaine nods. He can understand the sentiment. His apartment is on the outside of the Markthal, but most people only see the inside and the entire building is gorgeous, especially with the two big glass windows and the colourful ceiling.

“Yes, I better get going.”

Either Carole is completely oblivious to her husband and her stepson, or she just doesn’t give a fuck, because she tells Blaine to stay around.

Chapter Text

2012

“I’ll miss you,” Blaine whispers in Kurt’s ear.

“I’ll miss you too,” Kurt says.

“We’ve never been this far apart.”

“Blaine, we survived four months. Surely, we can survive being in different states.”

Blaine tenses up for a second, but before Kurt can apologise, Blaine nods and hugs him even harder.

“You’re my best friend.”

“And you are mine.”

Eventually he lets go so that Kurt can turn to his dad.

“You ready, kiddo?” his dad has Kurt’s suitcase in hand. He’s flying to New York with him, Rachel and the Berrys.

Kurt nods.

Blaine’s lying on Kurt’s bed, as usual. It’s weird how easy it is to be friends again. Sometimes it feels like those four months never happened. The only difference is that they’re in New York now. Kurt still can’t fully believe that he’s here. He’s living in a shitty loft in Bushwick with Rachel, but it’s New York. They both got accepted by NYADA and it’s the dream.

Mercedes is in LA. Blaine is still in Lima. He decided to do a gap year, so he hasn’t started a degree yet. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do. Kurt tries to help him out, but it’s also clear that Blaine still doesn’t want Kurt to do so.

Blaine’s visiting now for the holidays. Kurt and Rachel opted to stay in the city, since it’s expensive to fly back, so Blaine asked if he could come over. He’s back in Kurt’s life. He shows up at Friday Night Dinners, even when Kurt’s in New York. He’s gone to the airport to send Kurt and his dad off.

And yeah, Kurt should be happy about that. A part of him is always happy to see Blaine. He looks at Blaine, who’s chilling on his bed, listening to the new musical Next to Normal and it makes Kurt’s heart burst with joy, but also with fear.

To be honest, Kurt’s never really gotten over the pain that Blaine caused. But that’s all in the past now. Their friendship is solid again, but it’s also changed. Sometimes it feels hard to talk to Blaine, since it ends with tension. That’s another reason why Kurt’s so happy that Blaine’s here in New York. It’s always easier to talk face-to-face.

“This song is great,” Blaine says. He’s referring to Aftershocks. “This entire musical is great! Gabe Goodman is one of the best roles on Broadway!”

They've managed to get rid of me
I'm gone without a trace
But sear the soul and leave a scar
No treatment can erase

Kurt just nods. He doesn’t want Blaine to know that Kurt hates this song. Not because it’s bad, but because it stings. Kurt and Blaine are talking again, but their fight left a dent, or a scar if you will, on their friendship.

“I can’t believe we’re seeing this,” Blaine says happily. He doesn’t seem to be bothered. “Man, remember Spelling Bee, Wicked and RENT? That’s five years ago.”

“You made your Broadway debut,” Kurt smiles at the memory.

Blaine laughs. “Yeah. My mom hated it!”

Kurt’s smile widens. Maybe he’s being silly. Blaine is obviously at ease here and Kurt doesn’t want to ruin their trip. Blaine’s reminiscing and maybe this can become a sort of tradition. Blaine loves musicals and he mentioned Gabe being a great role.

“You know, you’d make a good Gabe.”

Blaine sits up. “Yeah?”

“I know you’re taking a gap year-”

Blaine falls back with a groan. “Not this again, Kurt. I like musicals, that’s true, but I’m not sure if I want to be in one! I want to see them. With you.”

“Right.”

“Hey, I know I’m the one who’s been on Broadway,” Blaine says, “But you’re the one who’s going to be on Broadway and I’m fine with being a bystander to your success.”

Blaine’s incredibly ungraceful on the ice. He’s sliding across the rink and his arms are waving in every possible direction. It makes Kurt laugh incredibly loud.

“Kurt, catch me!” Blaine zips towards him with his arms outstretched.

The impact isn’t as terrible. Blaine crashes into Kurt and the two of are laughing. Blaine has his arms around Kurt and his head against his chest. He’s shaking with laughter.

“I never thought you could be terrible at something,” Kurt says.

“And as usual, you’re perfect,” Blaine says quietly. Kurt laughs harder. Blaine flatters him.

The two of them stand together like that and Kurt knows there’s nothing between them, but it still feels nice that all the other skaters just zip past them in peace. And even if someone’s throwing them a nasty look, Kurt doesn’t know. It’s so much nicer here.

Back in Lima, Blaine never shied away from physical contact, but Kurt was the one who didn’t want to be touchy in public. Everyone knows that Kurt’s gay and Blaine’s straight, but Blaine’s straightness won’t swerve a homophobe. But here, Blaine’s still pressed against him and it’s safe.

“I can teach you to skate,” Kurt suggest, “Or I can get you a chair for balance.”

“I’ll use you for balance!”

“Fine by me.”

Blaine holds on Kurt’s arm and together they skate. It’s nice. It’s better than the earlier tension. Their renewed friendship has its ups and its downs, which is a departure from how it used to be when it was filled with constant ups, but it’s better than nothing.

Right now, Blaine’s beaming and Kurt can’t help but smile too when he sees how excited his friend is. And afterwards they’re going to get some hot chocolate, or coffee, since Kurt is now a slut for coffee. Then they’ll walk around the city and Kurt can show him around. It’s going to be fine.

Hopefully, things will get better.

Chapter Text

2020

“Blaine, we need to catch up,” Carole says cheerfully. Blaine looks behind her to see Kurt and Burt standing awkwardly. Blaine wants to tell Carole no, but she beats him to it. “Oh, is there a nice coffee shop around? I saw some coffee shops in Rotterdam!”

Kurt puts his hand on Carole’s shoulder. “Carole, that’s not… that’s not for coffee.”

Blaine quickly nods. “Don’t go there, Carole.”

Carole looks at Kurt in confusion, who just frowns in response. Now is not the time to get some weed.

“Well, there’s enough around here. That looks nice,” Carole grips Blaine’s arm and she leads him to the Kroket Loket, one of the ‘market stalls’ that’s also a restaurant.

“Carole,” Kurt says in the same hissy tone, but Carole pretends to not hear. She’s ecstatic to see Blaine, which surprises him, since he didn’t show up to the funeral. Kurt’s definitely still mad about that.

“Well, a kroket sounds nice,” Burt sounds defeated. The four of them get seated and Blaine wonders how the hell he got in this situation? He just wanted a saucijzenbroodje.

Carole is incredibly curious. It’s almost as if they’re playing a round of 50 questions.

“How long have you been here?”

“Since the summer.”

“What are you doing in Rotterdam?”

“I’m studying law at Erasmus University.”

“Law? I never expected you to do law!”

“Well, same, but I fell in love with it. I want to, you know, use my degree to help people in need. That’s what appeals me the most.”

“How are you living in this building?”

“My dad owns the apartment.”

“Oh, how are the parents?”

“Divorced. My mum’s moved back to Cebu. I lived there before coming here.”

“And do you want to stay here?”

“No, I plan to go back to America after I do a bachelor and a master’s degree.”

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

“I’m gay.”

That shuts her up. She tilts her head in confusion and honestly, Blaine doesn’t feel like explaining himself. Sometimes he is a little bit embarrassed by how long it took him to find out and he doesn’t need other people’s judgement.

Carole squints her eyes, as if she’s trying to decide what’s next.

“Oh. What do your parents think?”

That’s not the follow-up question that Blaine expected. His eyes automatically go to Burt, but he quickly looks away when he catches himself.

“They don’t know. My dad still thinks I’m going to make him proud one day by dating Bella, and that’s fine with me.”

It really isn’t fine with him, but again, Blaine doesn’t want to delve into that. The Hummel-Hudsons weren’t exactly on his mind when he was going through his gay realisation, but now that Burt is in front of him, he remembers how much he admired the man for accepting Kurt with open arms.

He also would’ve accepted Blaine.

Same goes for Carole.

Once, Blaine was basically part of the family. He stayed over plenty of times. He was invited to Friday Night Dinner. Now, Burt and Carole are basically strangers to him. He lost them the moment he lost Kurt. It’s weird to see them again. Blaine knows that they moved to Washington, so they probably sold the house that was once Blaine’s home.

That house was Blaine’s second home and now it’s gone.

“Oh, honey, I’m sorry to hear that,” Carole says soothingly. She puts her hand on Blaine’s, and Blaine feels so stupid for almost crying at this simple gesture.

“Cooper knows, though. He’s cool,” Blaine quickly says before it gets too teary, but his voice cracks and damnit, now the Hummel-Hudsons know. If only Blaine hadn’t ruined it all those years ago. It would’ve been nice to have all three of them by his side when he went through his gay panic. The fact that they’re now in front of him, after seven years, shakes him to the core. He’s lost a family.

“Blaine,” Burt says, and the edge of his voice is gone, “What are your Christmas plans?”

Blaine, Kurt and Carole all are too shocked to speak.

“Oh. Uhm,” Blaine sputters, “Two friends and I are going to chill. No worries. I won’t be alone.”

Burt hums, and he looks relieved.

“We’re about to drop our haul at Kurt’s place. Care to join us?”

Blaine never thought he’d do this again. He’s lying on Kurt’s bed, listening to showtunes. Kurt’s walking around his room. He has a room in an shared apartment. He lives relatively close to Rotterdam Centraal, which is needed for his commute, but that means it’s expensive. That’s why he shares with Femke and two other roommates. Femke’s gone back to Limburg for the holidays and according to Kurt, the other two roommates are never there.

“As long as they pay the rent, I don’t mind,” Kurt says.

It’s really weird to think that Kurt lives here. It’s only ten minutes by bike.

“Your dad doesn’t like me,” Blaine says to Kurt. Burt and Carole are in the kitchen, making coffee.

Kurt shrugs. “He never really forgave you for hurting me.”

“Ah.”

Kurt’s staring at Blaine and it makes him really uncomfortable, so he starts to look around the room. It’s so typically Kurt. There’s musical posters on the wall, photos on a corkboard – and Blaine’s really happy to see Mercedes’s face – and a lot of fabric around the room. It’s nicer than Blaine’s. His apartment was furnished by his dad and Blaine hasn’t really decorated it yet.

Then Blaine’s eyes falls on something on a shelf. It’s a little clay figurine.

“I gave that to you for your birthday,” Blaine says.

Kurt follows Blaine’s gaze. He tries to shrug it off, but Blaine keeps staring at the figurine. He can’t believe Kurt kept it and took it with him to the other side of the world.

“It’s a good luck charm. That’s always needed.”

“Kurt, why am I here?” Blaine asks. Burt is almost as confusing as his son. First, he shows anger, then he invites Blaine over, and then he ignores him. Blaine realises that Burt’s probably on that same rollercoaster of emotions.

Burt really cares for his son. When Blaine’s parents realised that Blaine stopped talking to Kurt, they asked him if something had happened. They talked about it briefly, but that’s it.

Kurt doesn’t immediately reply.

“Like, why do we keep doing this back and forth thing? What are we trying to achieve here? You barely spoke a word to me today, and you also have a decade old gift on your shelf.”

Blaine doesn’t want to sound accusatory, because that would be hypocritical. He also kept a lot of Kurt’s gifts as well, although he didn’t take them to Rotterdam.

Then, to Blaine’s utter surprise, Kurt lies down next to him. Blaine turns his head to see him, but Kurt’s staring at the ceiling.

“We’ve talked about this,” Kurt sighs, “I don’t know what we’re doing. It’s like, wanting… but also not wanting.”

“Wanting to be friends again,” Blaine says, referring to their little moment in Blaine’s apartment. Kurt said that he didn’t want to be friends again, but in Nijmegen he said that it’s more complex than that. “Be honest with me. Do you want that?”

Kurt groans and he hides his face in a pillow.

“I shouldn’t.”

“But you do?”

“I never wanted to stop being friends,” Kurt says. His voice is muffled due to the pillow, but Blaine’s heard him and he looks away in shame. He knows that. If only he hadn’t clicked that block option seven years ago.

“Yeah.”

“And I tried to ignore you,” Kurt says and luckily he throws the pillow off the bed, but he’s still not looking back to Blaine, “We tried to talk several times and you’re right, it backfired. And I tried to stop being sad about that. It ended, I moved on. But just now at the Kroket Loket, Carole was asking you all those questions that have been on my mind since we first saw each other in the metro and I fucking hate it.”

Kurt did say, back in Nijmegen, that he wanted to ask everything.

“And, also, like…” Kurt huffs out some air in frustration. Blaine waits for him to continue. “This just sucks. I can’t ignore you, Blaine, no matter how hard I try.”

Blaine turns on his side. They lie there without speaking. They hear the sounds of the city and the Hamilton soundtrack, but they’re silent. Blaine wants to push Kurt to keep talking, but Kurt looks doubtful.

So Blaine waits a bit longer. It’s Quiet Uptime starts playing in the background and Blaine isn’t really paying attention to the song, until he hears a specific part.

Forgiveness, can you imagine?
Forgiveness, can you imagine?

Kurt continues: “But at the same time… should I fight this? We’re messing up every interaction that we have, because we can’t let go of the past. Maybe we can try again, but then I hate myself for thinking that, because God, we ruined each other. But also, Femke keeps saying that this is a second chance. Our friends have a groupchat, you know?”

“The lekker met de meiden klainen one?” Blaine nods. He’s definitely botched that pronunciation, but Femke isn’t here to scold him.

“Yeah,” Kurt says and he finally turns his head to look at Blaine, “Kind of ridiculous. But I also trust Femke to have the best intentions in mind.”

“And I trust Bella.”

“And my dad has his own grudge, but he also invited you over to my place, only to abandon us the moment we got in.”

Blaine snorts. Yeah, that was weird. Burt and Carole dropped the bags on the floor and then rushed to the kitchen. They’re taking their time with the coffee.

“Should we try to be friends again?” Blaine asks and he hates how hopeful he feels, “Like, actually try? Instead of that weird dance we’ve been doing in the past few weeks?”

“It might not work,” Kurt says quietly, “What happened between us runs deep.”

“I know. I’m not saying it will be perfect, but I really miss you, and you miss me, and we both want to be friends and the only thing that’s stopping is… is our past.”

“I can’t promise you that I won’t make you feel inferior again,” Kurt says sadly.

Blaine nods.

“I can’t promise you that I won’t shut you out in anger, but I will try not to.”

Kurt also nods.

“I will also try not to.”

That’s all they can do, isn’t it?

Chapter Text

2013

Things don’t get better.

Distance makes things worse. Kurt’s heard that adulthood is basically having friends in different places. Apart from Rachel, no one of Kurt’s friendgroup is in the city. He misses his family, Blaine and Mercedes like crazy.

That’s why they always try to see each other when someone’s in Lima.

Emphasis on try. At least, Kurt tries and Mercedes does too, but in February Kurt and Mercedes were both back in Lima and they tried to hang out with the three of them and Blaine didn’t show. He was busy.

Kurt got angry and asked him what he’s busy with, since as far as Kurt knows, Blaine’s not really doing anything.

In the end it always works out. It was a shame that they couldn’t see each other, especially during the birthdays, but that’s the downside of living in different states. Now Kurt’s back for the summer after his freshman year. NYADA is challenging, but it’s worth it.

Kurt’s driving to Blaine’s house. Mercedes is in the passenger’s seat. She’s talking excitedly about her first year in LA.

When they arrive, they get out of the car and Kurt walks to the door to ring the bell. He hasn’t been here in a while, since they usually hang out at Kurt’s place or somewhere in town. This time, Finn and Puck decided to have a beer chugging tournament at Kurt and Finn’s house, so they decided to not impose. And to not ask.

Maybe two years ago, Finn and Puck would’ve asked them to join, but Finn and Blaine never sorted out their issues. Finn begrudgingly plays nice during Friday Night Dinners, but outside of that, he’s still giving Blaine the cold shoulder.

Blaine’s mom opens the front door and she has a surprised smile on her face.

“Kurt, Mercedes? How fun. Come in, come in, I didn’t know you were coming over!” she says happily and she rushes Kurt and Rachel inside. Kurt and Mercedes change into a pair of tsinelas.

“Blaine didn’t mention that we’re coming?” Mercedes asks with a frown.

“No, I would’ve prepared some treats for you if I’d known!” Blaine’s mom says and she puts her hand on Mercedes’s face. She nods approvingly. Kurt and Mercedes share a smile when Blaine’s mom turns her back. Blaine’s mom secretly-not-so-secretly hopes that Mercedes and Blaine will date. No one has the heart to tell her about Sam.

They follow Blaine’s mom to the kitchen and Blaine’s mom serves some drinks. Blaine’s family is nice enough, but their house is not Kurt’s home. Blaine can just open the fridge whenever he wants a snack at the Hummel-Hudson house, but Kurt and the Andersons never crossed that line.

“So weird. He must be here soon!” Blaine’s mom says as she pours the lemonade. It’s always lemonade.

“You mean, he isn’t home?” Kurt asks.

Blaine’s mom shakes her head. “He went out this morning. I don’t know where he’s gone.”

Kurt takes out his phone to text Blaine, but he sees that Mercedes’s has already beat him to it.

Mercedes: hey we’re here

Mercedes: Kurt’s queer

Mercedes: but where r you at??

Me: [photo of the glass of lemonade]

Me: it was 1pm right?

Blaine: omw!!!!!!

While they wait, Kurt and Mercedes make small talk with Blaine’s mom. She’s very excited to hear about their lives in the big city, working towards a qualification and she laments that Blaine’s doing nothing in Lima. Kurt shares her frustration.

After an hour, the front door slams open. Blaine arrives in the doorway of the kitchen with a tired smile.

“Sorry!”

Blaine’s mom chastises him in Bisaya and Blaine rolls his eyes. It makes Kurt frown. He doesn’t like the disrespect that Blaine shows his mom. He’s the one who’s late.

Kurt and Mercedes rapidly finish their drinks and the three of them go up to Blaine’s room.

“Where the hell were you?” Kurt asks the moment they’re inside.

“Jeez, Kurt, I already got my mom’s lecture. Spare me yours,” Blaine says as he falls face down on the bed. Kurt and Mercedes both look at each other, aghast.

“We waited for you,” Mercedes adds, also sounding annoyed, “An hour. You didn’t let us know. And you didn’t tell you mom we’d be coming over.”

Blaine rolls on his back. “I’m nineteen. My mom doesn’t need to know who I hang out with.”

“Maybe she does when it’s at her house,” Mercedes says.

“My parents are used to you dropping in unannounced, but yours aren’t,” Kurt says.

Blaine sits up and he leans on his elbows. “I thought you’d be happy to see me. It’s been too long.”

“We are!” Kurt quickly says. Blaine looks genuinely upset.

“But we’re also a bit pissed off at you,” Mercedes explains.

“Right. Okay.”

Later that day, back in the comfort of his own room, Kurt’s texting Mercedes about the day. It was painfully awkward and the two came up with excuses to leave early. Blaine probably noticed, but Kurt and Mercedes tried to bring back the light-hearted mood, but Blaine kept sulking.

Mercedes is livid. She’s ranting through her messages about how annoying Blaine’s been recently and how unfair he was. The worst part is that Kurt feels the same kind of anger.

God, Kurt doesn’t want to talk about it, but they should. To his horror, a notification pops up on his screen. Blaine’s sent something.

Blaine: Hey

Blaine: So I think all 3 of us can agree that today was not a fun day

Blaine: Idk why but you two seemed very mad at me

Blaine: What is wrong

Kurt’s thumbs hover over the screen. How can Blaine act so surprised? What is wrong? he asks! He so desperately wants to give Blaine a piece of his mind, but he changes his mind. Maybe he should take the worried friend approach, since that’s also true.

Me: Look I’m saying this with total love and worry

Me: But yes, something’s wrong

Me: With you

Me: You’ve been weird and moody lately.

Me: Planning things with you feels like pulling out teeth.
Talking to you feels like walking on a tightrope.
You’re clearly worrying about something
but, like, don’t take it out on us.

Me: I hope I’m not overstepping

Me: But you’re my best friend and again I worry

Me: I worry about you doing nothing. I worry
about you being pissy. I worry about you disrespecting
your mom and acting like your dad tbh.

Me: What is it, Blaine?

Me: We’re your best friends. Talk to us.

Me: We want to be there for you.

Me: But you keep shutting us out.

Me: You don’t do anything. You have no
drive. You just sit at home and get angry
at your parents. How can we help?

Me: This friendship honestly hasn’t been good in
a long while and we all ignore it.

Me: But I always dread talking to you because
lately it ends with either of us snapping.

Me: And I don’t want that.

Me: I just want us to be able to talk again.

Me: I care too much about you to let this go to waste.

Me: There’s just this negative energy lately and I hate it.

Me: And today kinda felt like the straw that breaks the
camels’back, like after months of frustration.

Me: Anyway I’m gonna turn off my hpone for now
cause Carole needs help with dinner

Mercedes clearly has no problem being the devil’s advocate. When Kurt comes back to his phone after dinner, he can see that she’s still seething.

Mercedes: I feel the same tbh

Mercedes: Like get the fuck over yourself dude

Mercedes: Idk why you’re acting loke such a piece of shit
but this honestly isn’t fucking fair to us

Mercedes: Get a life an d fucking talk to us for once

Blaine ignores the messages. It’s been a few days and they know he’s read it, but there’s no response. Mercedes has practically given up on him. She’s so angry. Kurt never knew that Mercedes felt the same deep frustrations about Blaine. Kurt thought that it might’ve been in his head and that he was being unfair since he is secretly still angry about what happened two years ago.

But no, Blaine’s also been a shit friend to Mercedes.

And then, Kurt realises why there’s no answer. He checks their groupschat every day and that’s when he sees it. Blaine’s left the group.

Me: He’s left the group

Mercedes: No fucking way!!!!!!

Me: Yes fucking way

And Kurt’s tried to be patient. He wanted to give Blaine the space he needed, since Kurt and Mercedes did unload a lot of crap on him, but now his anger finally matches Mercedes’s. He swipes to the private chat between him and Blaine.

Me: well if I’d known this then I would’ve
been nicer to your mom. She
definitely needs the respect from
someone.

Blaine: lol bye

And then Blaine’s profile picture changes to a blank template. Kurt blinks away the tears, because he knows what this means.

Me: [screenshot of the conversation
between him and Blaine]

Mercedes: WTFFFFFF

At dinner, Kurt tells his family what has happened. At first he was angry, but now he’s devastated. Finn once again vows to kill Blaine.

Kurt’s dad is weirdly quiet.

“Dad?” Kurt asks.

“I don’t know what to think, Kurt,” his dad says with a heavy sigh, “He’s changed, maybe for the worse. I think there’s something behind it, but I agree that maybe it’s fine to let it go. It’s only causing stress and irritation and I don’t want you to feel that way.”

Kurt nods towards his dad.

Mercedes: [screenshot of a conversation
between her and Blaine]

Mercedes: ………………

Kurt’s lying on his back, staring at his screen as if it’s an alien object. Nothing makes sense. He rereads the conversation on the screenshot several times, but it still doesn’t make sense. Mercedes wrote to Blaine a snarky ‘so this is goodbye then?’ to which he replied with confused emojis. Mercedes explained that she knows that Blaine blocked Kurt and that she expects to be next, in which Blaine replies that he’d never do that to her?

Mercedes: wtf now he wants to talk to me

Kurt wants to haul the phone across the room.

Me: really?

Mercedes: yeah, Saturday evening at the mall

Mercedes: should I do it???

Me: yes

Mercedes: alright if you say so

Me: I want answers

Mercedes: so do i

Mercedes: so what d o I do?

Mercedes: do I mediate between the two of you?

Kurt puts the phone down next to him. He needs some time to think. The last few days have been an absolute hell. It’s like those four months all over again. But now Blaine’s throwing punch after punch. He closes his eyes and he listens to the tick, tick… BOOM! album. Music’s always calmed him down.

Come to your senses
Defenses are not the way to go
And you know, or at least you knew
Everything's strange, you've changed
And I don't know what to do to get through
I don't know what to do

When the song ends, Kurt’s in tears, but he’s made up his mind. Come To Your Senses is right. It’s time for Kurt to come to his senses, instead of waiting for Blaine to realise what he’s doing. He grabs the phone again.

Me: no

Me: I am done

Chapter Text

2020

Honestly, it’s scary how easy it is to be friends with Kurt again. Kurt and Blaine don’t see each other on Christmas, since they both have their own thing, but Kurt asks Blaine to come over to send off his parents and it’s nice. It’s really nice.

Carole gives Blaine a big hug and she tells him to come over one day. Burt is still a bit distant, but he gives Blaine a firm pat on the back, so Blaine sees it as a win.

“It’s always sad to see them go,” Kurt says as he watched his parents board the train to Schiphol airport. Blaine nods. He has nothing to say. “The worst part of living here is that I don’t get to see them as much as I’d want to.”

“I get that,” Blaine says. His family has never been as close as Kurt’s, but they’re scattered and it’s annoying. Cooper’s in LA, his dad’s in Lima, his mom’s in Cebu and Blaine’s in Rotterdam.

Kurt lets out a deep sigh. Then he turns to Blaine. “Now what?”

Blaine raises an eyebrow.

“It’s still kerstvakantie.”

“Oh, well,” Blaine smiles widely. This is Kurt trying. He knows that. “There’s a Dutch Pinball Museum in Rotterdam. I wanted to ask Bella if she wanted to go there, but you know, she started dating Adeola.”

Kurt’s already on his phone. “It’s ten minutes by bike.”

“Let’s get going then!”

Sometimes, Blaine’s afraid that the renewed friendship is too easy. Their friendship still feels natural, even after an interruption of seven years, and Blaine’s finally learning more about Kurt’s life of the past seven years. Apparently he left NYADA to pursue a career in fashion. He got a job at Vogue and Vogue’s now paying for his degree here. He’s expecting to work there after he’s done in Amsterdam.

It’s really impressive.

Still, they’ve been on this road before. Blaine tries to be calm about it, but he also feels like he’s walking on eggshells. There’s a thin line between trying too hard and not trying at all.

“Driemaal is scheepsrecht!” Femke keeps saying, which is the Dutch equivalent of three times a charm.

Blaine, Bella and Femke are walking through West-Kruiskade, which is part of Rotterdam’s Chinatown. Now, Femke is the only Chinese person out of the three, but Bella and Blaine like this place as well. She’s taking them to St. Anny Bakery.

Now that Kurt and Blaine are becoming friends again, their friend groups are merging again. The five of them are already planning on spending New Year’s together. Since Bella, Adeola and Femke are already too unhealthily invested in Kurt and Blaine’s friendship, Blaine has no qualms about talking to them about it.

“I agree with Fem,” Bella says, “You’re not making promises this time. And you’re working it through.”

That’s true. When Blaine blocked Kurt the first time, they tried to be friends again, but they never really talked about what happened. Blaine asked Kurt to ignore it and Kurt obliged. This led to the resentment being part of their friendship.

But now, they’ve talked about it. And they will continue to talk about it. It feels right.

“I still want this to work,” Blaine tells them.

“And so does Kurt, obviously,” Femke adds, “It’s a goldmine for lekker met de meiden klainen. Keep it up.”

“Also, you’ve changed. You’re not going to make the same mistake thrice!” Bella adds.

“I shut you out, remember?” Blaine points out.

Bella rolls her eyes.

“Yes, but you immediately came back to apologise. Would the Blaine from seven years ago have done that?”

Blaine thinks back to the two times he blocked Kurt. The first time, it took him four months. The second time, it took him seven years. Both times made him miserable and that alone is enough to work on not letting it happen a third time. He’s just so happy to at least try.

Blaine looks at Bella real quick. She’s also the only person who knows about the feelings. It’s weird, because his feelings for Kurt have basically been dormant for seven years, but now that Kurt’s back in his life for real, they came back so easily. Yesterday, Kurt took Blaine to Theater Walhalla in Katendrecht and it’s a small, cosy theatre – or gezellig, as the Dutch say – and they had to sit close and Blaine felt like dying inside.

“I hope it works out for you two,” Femke says and Bella nods.

Blaine hopes that as well.

The Suicide Club is an inappropriate name for a club situated on a rooftop, but it has a nice view. Kurt’s leaning against the banisters with a glass of wine in hand. He’s an absolute sight to be seen, especially with the lights of all the buildings as a backdrop.

Blaine feels like a creep, but he quickly snaps a picture. In order to not be a creep, he immediately walks to Kurt to show it.

“Oh, wow, that’s actually a really nice picture,” Kurt says in amazement, “Send it to me, will you?”

“Of course.”

Kurt lets out a sigh and he stares to the city. He’s a bit melancholy. Maybe a bit sad, even. He left the others to stand outside in the cold.

“What’s wrong?” Blaine asks.

Another sigh.

“I ran into Yannick.”

Blaine takes a sip of his own wine. Damn, Yannick. Blaine’s completely forgotten about him. He still has his coat stashed in his apartment, but he wasn’t in a hurry to return it. Yannick doesn’t even know that Kurt nicked it.

“He apologised for that day at TOFFLER and he asked if I wanted to go out for a drink, but I declined.”

“You did?”

Kurt makes an affirming sound.

“You know, I never told you why we broke up.”

“Well, we weren’t exactly talking two weeks ago.” Damn, has it been two weeks already since TOFFLER? Time goes fast. In two more days it’ll be 2021.

“He got mad at me when I tried to leave to run after you,” Kurt says, “Obviously, he didn’t know what happened between us, so to him it sounded like I was ditching him for another guy. I tried to explain, but he wouldn’t hear it. I didn’t have time to try harder, since I didn’t want to miss out on you. But yeah, he got weirdly angry about it.”

“Dick,” Blaine mutters under his breath. Kurt hears it and he snorts.

The two stand in a comfortable silence. Kurt’s leaning over the banister, but Blaine isn’t afraid he’ll fall down. This is a nice place. Femke recommended it and she’s absolutely right. Femke, Bella and Adeola are still inside, tearing through the bitterballen, mini frikandellen, nuts, cheese cubes and other borrelhapjes.

“You know,” Kurt says with a laugh. He turns his upper body towards Blaine. “I used to be utterly in love with you.”

Blaine almost chokes on his drink.

“So maybe in another world, yeah, Yannick would’ve been right about the situation. In that world, I would’ve dropped him for you in a heartbeat.”

Kurt lets out another laugh, as if he’s saying something silly. Maybe it is silly to him. Kurt takes a sip of his wine and he looks back to Rotterdam. You can see his apartment from up here. He doesn’t see that Blaine’s trying to regain his composure.

Blaine knew, kind of. Back then, Kurt tried to be subtle, but Blaine noticed the small changes. He never said anything about it. He thought it was just him trying to be a decent straight bro. Yes, Kurt homo, but no homo between them!

Then the two big fights happened and he saw how the light in Kurt’s eyes died out. That’s probably when Kurt stopped liking him. It’s fair, since Blaine was acting like an asshole.

And then Blaine realised that he never mentioned it because he was in denial about his own feelings, but by then it was too late.

“If only I’d known back then that I was gay,” Blaine truthfully laments.

Kurt lets out a chuckle. “Yeah. How did you find out, if I may ask?”

“I realised that I misattributed some feelings,” Blaine says vaguely. It’s the truth, though. “I thought I hated someone, but it turns out that I actually couldn’t handle being in love with him.”

“Yeah?” Kurt raises an eyebrow. There’s a new glint in his eyes. Blaine’s probably seeing things, since wishful thinking is strong. Kurt just admitted to him that his feelings are in the past.

Before anything can happen, Blaine feels a strong hand on his back. It’s Bella.

“Guys! It’s so fucking cold outside!” Bella says and she’s indeed shivering, “Come back inside, damnit. Femke is eating all the bitterballen!”

Blaine doesn’t get home until 2am, but it was worth it. He’s finally exploring Rotterdam and it’s so much more fun now that he has a solid group of friends. He’s high on energy and he puts on his showtunes playlist. The neighbours can complain how much they want, but Blaine wants to ride out this high note.

He dances around his living room. No One Else from Natasha, Pierre & The Great Comet of 1812 comes on and he starts singing along. He’s twirling around with his arms outstretched, like Natasha.

And I catch my breath
And I laugh and blush
And I hear guitars
You are so good for me

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

His upstairs neighbour stomps the ground to make him shut up and Blaine doesn’t want trouble after all, so he turns it down. He falls on his couch with a smile.

Something happened between him and Kurt at the Suicide Club. Blaine shouldn’t rush into anything, since this is still a bit new and fragile, but the thought alone makes Blaine’s heart soar. Maybe he does need love after all and it’s a wonderful thing he shouldn’t hide from. Years of repressing his feelings haven’t paid off.

Blaine’s just fantasising, but now that the option is there, he hopes that Kurt’s feelings never ebbed away either and that Kurt, like Blaine, was just repressing it and telling himself that it’s better that way.

Well, Blaine can dream.

Chapter Text

2013

Mercedes: wow

Mercedes: holy shit

Mercedes: for real?

Me: yes

Me: I’m done

Mercedes: That’s strong.

Mercedes: alright, I’ll let you know how it goes

On Saturday evening, Mercedes sends Kurt a text, telling him that a lot happened. So she’s coming round to talk about it.

On Sunday, Mercedes is sitting on Kurt’s bed and Kurt hates the sight of it. There were never any rules, but usually that’s Blaine’s spot. He doesn’t have time to complain, because Mercedes’s talking non-stop as if she’s gotten the latest juicy gossip.

But it isn’t gossip. Gossiping is fun. This isn’t fun.

“And I also majorly called him out on his blatant favourism,” Mercedes continues, “Like, I asked him why the hell he’s acting so differently to you and that absolute asshole tried to paint me as the better friend. So I reminded him of all the times you supported him and stood at his side and what not. Honestly, I should’ve snapped a photo of his face! He looked so embarrassed. I had him backed in a corner!”

“Nice,” Kurt says.

Okay, this isn’t fun, and none of this should’ve happened, but Kurt and Mercedes feel some sort of schadenfreude from all of this.

“But from what I’ve gotten, he got really angry at you when you said that you turned off your phone. He went on and on how I was there for him, whereas you did that. I corrected him and I reminded him that I was ready to ditch him the moment I sent my mean messages. You wanted to give him space. Again, oh man, Kurt… his face!”

Kurt nods to himself. He knows Blaine and he also understands that this is a deeper issue, but Mercedes is right. Kurt gave Blaine the chance over and over again. The last two years of friendship were basically on borrowed time. It never got better after the hemp canvas thing.

“But yeah, that’s that,” Mercedes finishes lamely, “What now?”

Kurt shrugs.

“We can’t do anything.”

“He knows you hear all of this. I told him so upfront. I think he wants to talk to me some more.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” Mercedes frowns.

“I am ditching him, Mercedes,” Kurt says with more confidence in his voice than the confidence in his body, but he needs to keep this up. He needs to continue telling himself this is good. “Not you. If you two hang out, that’s fine by me.”

Mercedes looks doubtful and Kurt also wonders if Mercedes will do so, but it’s also true. The idea of Mercedes and Blaine being friends does sting, but Kurt’s not the boss of them.

“I just wish I could… I don’t know. Have the last word?”

“Last word how?”

“Now he just blocked me. That’s it. Done. I have no chance to say anything anymore. And I don’t know if I want that, but remember what happened two years ago? I told him I needed closure.”

Mercedes nods.

“You could write a letter?” she suggests, “I can hand it to him.”

Kurt shakes his head. He wants Blaine to listen, but he has no idea how. Kurt doesn’t feel like barging in unexpectedly, and a part of him is still too angry to do so.

Then, he has an epiphany.

It’s an ordinary day. The birds are chirping. The sun is shining. Cars are racing down the street. It’s such a shame that it is such an ordinary, normal day, because to Kurt, this day will change everything.

Kurt’s holding his phone at the speakers of his laptop. He’s playing Goodbye Until Tomorrow/I Could Never Rescue You from The Last Five Years. He saw the show earlier in the spring when it was running Off-Broadway.

I could never rescue you
All you ever wanted
But I could never rescue you
No matter how I tried
All I could do was love you hard
And let you go

Kurt listens to the lyrics and he hopes that Blaine will understand when he gets this voice message. It’s already fifteen minutes long. Kurt’s told Mercedes of his plan: Kurt needs to have the final word, especially since Blaine is being unfair. First he acts like a dick, then when people confront him, he decides to ghost them, and then all the weird thing with Mercedes happens.

Finn doesn’t trust it. He wonders if Mercedes and Blaine have their own plan behind Kurt’s back, but Kurt would never believe that. Mercedes is genuinely as baffled and angry as Kurt.

But yeah, a lot of unfairness happened. Kurt gave Blaine the time and space to reach out, but he didn’t and then he once again made Kurt feel like the bad guy by blocking him and not Mercedes. Kurt isn’t going to let that happen.

He started this voice message with anger. Kurt might have thrown some low blows in it, but he’s angry. He told Blaine to get the fuck over himself. He showed how unreasonable Blaine is being by being mad at Kurt for ‘not caring enough’ when Kurt said he needed to turn off his phone to help Carole, whereas Mercedes absolutely destroyed Blaine through messages and she is apparently the kinder one. At one point, Kurt spits out that he’s fucking done with this one-sided friendship, where Kurt and Mercedes are the ones trying to meet up and text and hang out, only for Blaine to bitch and whine when they do.

But now that Kurt’s listening to the song that he’s incorporating into his message, he feels sad. Jamie sings about how he has to let Cathy go for his own well-being.

Kurt hopes he isn’t like Jamie, though, since the musical portrays him as the asshole, but the song stands on its own.

The song ends and Kurt’s silent for a while before he has the time to compose himself. He was angry before, but now he’s actually said what he wanted to say, which leads to one last thing to do. He lets out a shaky breath.

“So. This is it, then?” Kurt says and he laughs bitterly. He can feel the tears stream down his face. Blaine won’t be able to see it, but Kurt’s voice alone exudes sadness. “This is goodbye. I didn’t expect it- I didn’t want it, but you’ve made your choice, so now I am making mine. I don’t even know if you’ve listened this far, or if you ever listen to this in the first place, but if you’re hearing this then know that I loved you. Love you.”

He wonders if Blaine will interpret this as platonic love, which is fair. That’s also true. Kurt’s already learned that he has two kinds of love in his heart for Blaine.

“And I will miss you terribly, but I also need to choose for myself here. Not only that, but I’m selfish. Our friendship in the last two years was on borrowed time and it was filled with anger and frustration. I couldn’t even think of you without getting mad and I don’t want that. By ending this, I hope I can now look back on the good parts without the additional anger. There was a lot of good, Blaine, there was. The last two years don’t sullen those good memories. Fuck, remember Spelling Bee?”

Kurt laughs a genuine laugh. The character of Chip made Blaine’s mom leave!

Speaking of…

“Say hi to your mom from me, since I probably won’t see her either. And say hi to Cooper and your dad. I don’t- I admit I never got to really know them, but give them my regards.”

Kurt lets out another sigh and he sniffs. He’s rehearsed what he wanted to say, but now that the end is nearing, he’s throwing all those plans out of the window.

“Well. I hope you have a great life. I am saying that without any hint of sarcasm. I genuinely hope you’re well. I hope you wish me the same. Goodbye.”

And then Kurt saves the recording and he sends it to Mercedes. That’s it. Blaine’s now in the past.

Chapter Text

2020

“This is insaaaaaane!” Bella yells in Blaine’s ear. She’s right. Rotterdam is crowded with partying people. De Boompjeskade is the place to be. Kurt told them to go here. It’s apparently a tradition in Rotterdam to do a Nationale Vuurwerk on every New Year’s Eve. The famous Erasmusbrug will be surrounded by a fireworks show.

There’s a DJ and a party tent, but it’s half an hour before midnight and people are slowly moving outside in preparation for the show. Femke is pushing people aside so that they can have the best spot on the kade.

Kurt snaps a photo of the bridge and he laughs out loud a few seconds later.

“What’s so funny?” Bella asks.

“Oh, nothing, just Mercedes. She’s jealous that we’re already nearing the new year. She’s a couple of hours behind after all!” Kurt answers happily and Blaine feels warm with affection when he realises Kurt and Mercedes are still friends.

“Who’s Mercedes?” Adeola asks.

“My best friend,” Kurt replies easily while smiling at his phone. This doesn’t hurt. It only makes sense that Mercedes inherited that title after Kurt and Blaine laid their friendship to rest.

“Tell her I miss her,” Blaine says.

Kurt looks up from his screen and their eyes meet. Kurt nods.

“She’d love to hear that.”

“And you should send her one of those bags!”

“God, don’t get me started,” Kurt exaggeratedly rolls his eyes, which makes everyone laugh.

Everyone holds up their Susan Bijl bag, which leads to Kurt taking a photo of that too. Everyone in this damned city has something of this designer. Kurt likes their work and he took Blaine to Susan Bijl’s shop.

And Blaine is weak when it comes to Kurt, so he gives in to peer-pressure.

Femke leaves the group when she sees some people she recognises. The others talk about living in Rotterdam. Kurt’s been in Rotterdam the longest, so he has a lot of stories to tell. Blaine, Bella and Adeola have only been here for half a year, but they have their own adventures.

Overall, it’s really nice to be here. Coming here to study law has been the best choice in a long time. Blaine picked this country and city on a whim, desperate to finally do something with his life, and now he’s surrounded by people he loves, he’s enjoying his study, and Kurt’s back in his life.

Getting to know Rotterdam is so much better when Blaine’s with good company.

Femke comes back from a stand and she’s holding a basket with some sort of snack in it. Blaine can’t really see it in the dark, but there are fried round snacks with powdered sugar in that basket. Oil is dripping from the bottom. It lands on Femke’s shoes, but she doesn’t mind.

“Oliebollen time!” she says and she lifts the basket, “I have some with raisins and apples. They’re Dutch fried pastries!”

“You want one?” Kurt asks Blaine, holding out an oliebol, “I first tried them last New Year’s Eve and they’re nice.”

“Puff puff!” Adeola says happily, “That’s what they’re called in Nigeria.”

“They are indeed very soft and fluffy,” Bella says as she chows down, “You wouldn’t expect something fried like this to be this soft inside.”

“Oh, puff puff, I like that name,” Femke says.

Blaine accepts Kurt’s oliebol.

It’s not what he expected. Blaine was thinking of a big bitterbal or a round kroket, but this isn’t savoury, it’s sweet, which is fair since Femke did say they’re pastries. The inside is filled with hot dough and sweet raisins. The powdered sugar makes it even sweeter. The fried crust is kind of oily and he can’t really place what it tastes like.

“So, are they traditionally Dutch?” Blaine asks Femke.

“Honestly, food origins are always a bit messy,” Femke shrugs, “But they are seen as Dutch food. We love fried shit. We eat this during New Year’s. You might’ve seen some pop-up food stalls that sell them. That always happens in December.”

The five of them huddle together on the kade. It’s very cold and the Rotterdam wind doesn’t help it. Adeola’s rubbing her hands all over Bella, who’s shivering. Blaine smiles when she sees them.

“I wish I had someone to keep me warm,” Femke says with a sigh.

“Same,” Blaine says and his eyes flicker towards Kurt. Femke notices and she winks. Blaine playfully bumps his shoulder against hers.

“How long till New Year?” Kurt asks.

“Are you giving up your vices?” Blaine asks, instead of replying.

“No, but I did go back to school,” Kurt laughs. They recently watched the RENT movie again, which was a blast from the past.

Bella’s looking at her phone. “Three more minutes of the first year of this decade.”

It’s getting more and more crowded. They were already huddled together, but now they’re pressed against each other. Blaine suspects that the ladies moved around on purpose, since Kurt’s against his back.

Adeola hands him a plastic cup with beer and he needs it to calm his nerves.

“Are you okay?” Kurt whispers in his ear.

“Hm?”

“You seem a bit uncomfortable.”

“Cold,” Blaine lies. It’s fucking cold, but that’s not why he’s nervous. He hates that Kurt notices.

Luckily, the countdown to the new year is distracting enough. At the one minute count, people start to count down out loud. Adeola shoves another drink in his hands. This time it’s a plastic flute with champagne.

“Tien… negen… acht… zeven… zes… vijf… vier… drie… twee… één… Gelukkig Nieuwjaar!”

The crowd erupts in cheers. The bridge lights up with all the fireworks. Next to Blaine, Bella grabs Adeola’s face and they both have a big smile on their faces when they lean in for a kiss. Femke is positively beaming and she’s hooting excitedly.

Blaine feels Kurt’s hand on his shoulder. Blaine looks over his shoulder to look at Kurt’s face. Kurt has an easy smile and a questioning look. Blaine puts his hand on Kurt’s. Blaine takes Kurt’s hand off his shoulder, but he’s still holding it.

They’re in the middle of a crowd. There’s the sound of fireworks, cheers and DJ music, since the Netherlands is known for its DJs. People around them are moving and sometimes they push them around. Still, it’s as if everyone and everything around them is being pushed to the background.

It strangely reminds Blaine of one of the most soothing showtunes he’s ever listened to, namely Answer Me from The Band’s Visit.

Only you
When the sun and moon and stars are gone
What's left is only you
Will you answer me?
Answer me

They stare at each other with smiles on their faces and Blaine suddenly understands why Kurt looks like he’s about to ask a question. He knows what Kurt’s asking.

Blaine nods.

He turns around as Kurt leans in and he places Kurt’s hand on his face. Their kiss is soft and sweet and there are literally fireworks going off in the background, lighting up the Erasmusbrug, and their friends are probably screaming and cheering at the sight of the kiss, but Blaine ignores it all. Despite the noise and the lights and the people, what’s left is only Kurt.

It’s the perfect start of the new year.

Chapter Text

2013

Kurt draws the curtains of his makeshift room in the loft. Kurt still has to unpack, but Rachel’s already doing vocal practises in the kitchen and the new academic year hasn’t even started yet. It’s nice to be back in New York, though. He loved being home for the summer, but he’s definitely outgrown Lima.

Kurt puts the duffel bag on his bed, but instead of putting away his stuff, his eyes fall on a collection of photo’s taped on the wall above his desk. It’s a row of photobooth photos and it shows Kurt, Blaine and Mercedes smiling and posing in different ways. In some photos, it’s almost as if Kurt and Blaine are ignoring Mercedes, since they only have eyes for each other. Honestly, Kurt’s almost embarrassed at the thought of Blaine having the same photos, since it’s so clear that Kurt’s pining, but Blaine never mentioned it.

Where has that time gone? They used to be able to be around each other with such easy smiles on their faces.

Underneath the photos, Kurt’s placed his good luck charm on his desk. Kurt walks towards it and he picks up the little clay figurine. He turns it around in his hands with a sad smile on his face. He rubs the figurine’s face with his thumb. Then Kurt’s hand reaches towards the photos, ready to take it down.

But he stops himself just before the fingertips reach the photos. Kurt puts the clay figurine back in its place. He shakes his head. Kurt doesn’t have to erase Blaine, just because he ditched him. He meant what he said in his voice message. He’s quite looking forward to being able to look back on the nice memories without getting angry.

He thinks back to that day in the photo booth. They’d gone shopping in the mall and Mercedes insisted on making tacky photos. They printed three copies, one for each of them. Kurt hopes that Blaine and Mercedes still have theirs.

He taps the clay figurine’s head with a smile. Blaine said that it’s a good luck charm. Kurt’s never been a pious or superstitious man, but looking at Blaine’s gift calms him and Blaine looked so proud when Kurt unwrapped it on his fifteenth birthday.

This is a good thing, Kurt keeps telling himself. He’s been repeating that phrase in his head all summer. This is the best thing you’ve done in a long time.

It will still hurt, though. Kurt knows that once he walks past the Circle in the Square Theatre, or the Nederlander Theatre, or the Gershwin Theatre, or the Booth Theatre, he’ll feel sad, even though Spelling Bee, RENT and Next to Normal have closed by now. Kurt knows that there will be moments where he will reach for his phone to text Blaine something, only to realise that he can’t. Kurt knows there will be missing moments and birthdays and achievements.

“Goddamnit, Blaine Anderson,” Kurt mutters when he looks to Blaine’s smiling face, “When will I ever stop crying over you?”

Kurt puts on some music and he lies down on his bed. It’s familiar, but completely new now that everything’s changed.

Kurt turns his head to look at the row of photos with a smile. It’s one of the many photos of him and Blaine, and occasionally Mercedes, that he has. And he will keep them. Kurt might’ve closed the door on a possible future, but he will always have a past.

And who knows, maybe one day they will see each other again. Kurt highly doubts it, but it’s nice to think about.

2021

January brings a lot of new things. There’s a new chill in the air. There’s a new term starting at EUR. There’s a new year.

Kurt’s lying next to Blaine on Blaine’s bed and they’re listening to showtunes. It’s reminiscent of the many times they just hung out in one of their rooms. Only this time, Blaine’s head is resting against Kurt’s chest and Kurt’s arms are around him.

This is also new.

Femke, Adeola and Bella left when they woke up. They all crashed at Blaine’s apartment after they stumbled in when the Nationale Vuurwerk show ended. They had their own afterparty with oliebollen, borrelhapjes and champagne. Bella couldn’t let go of Adeola. Blaine couldn’t let go of Kurt. Femke jokingly lamented that she’s been reduced to a fifth wheel and everyone laughed. Then, when the sun started to rise, they went to sleep and Blaine took Kurt’s hand and they decided that Kurt and Blaine were not going to sleep in the living room with the girls after all.

Now it’s almost 3pm and they haven’t gotten out of bed yet. Blaine wants to stay in this cocoon of warmth and happiness, with Kurt rubbing his thumb over Blaine’s arm. But all good things come to an end.

“Blaine?” Kurt asks, sounding a bit nervous.

“Hm?”

“Is this- What are we doing?”

Blaine lifts his head from Kurt’s chest to face him. Kurt looks afraid and nervous and it fills Blaine with dread. The past few hours have been blissful, but now Kurt’s mood might change it all.

Blaine decides to put on a brave face.

“We’re… we’re being together,” he says confidently. It’s a bit vague, and Kurt can interpret that however he want, but it’s true. They’re together here in this moment, either as ‘being together in a relationship’ or as ‘being together in the same space’. Or both. Hopefully both.

Kurt nods.

“Right.”

“Right,” Blaine echoes, “And I like this.”

“Yeah?”

Blaine nods and maybe he’s bullshitting his way through this or maybe he’s feeling genuinely confident, because he blurts out: “Yeah, I like you.”

That makes Kurt chuckle, and the dread in Blaine’s stomach eases a little bit.

“Well, Blaine, you made that pretty clear when you stuck your tongue down my throat. If this had happened ten years ago, I would’ve accused you of some big no homo-ing, but now…”

“Yes homo-ing!”

The two of them burst into laughs again. Yes, sometimes Blaine’s still embarrassed by how long it took him to realise he’s gay, but sometimes it’s pretty funny, and now it’s funny. The earlier tension is gone now that they’ve had a good laugh. Blaine knows why Kurt is nervous though, but now it feels like they can actually talk about it, now that they’re not on the edge.

Blaine leans on his elbow so that he can have an even better look of Kurt’s face. When he realised he liked him, Blaine regretted that he never got the chance to openly admire it, but now here they are.

“You’re staring,” Kurt says with a smile.

“You’re beautiful.”

Kurt blushes a little bit. Blaine’s forgotten how much he liked it when Kurt looked flustered. Well, he didn’t forget it. He just tried to banish the thought.

“So are you,” Kurt returns the compliment, “If only the fourteen year old me could see me now!”

“You fell in love with me back then, huh?”

Kurt nods. “At my dad’s wedding. I thought you were into Mercedes, but you never showed any interest in her, or any other girl. Guess we now know why.”

“I think I fell in love with you then too. I just didn’t know.”

Now Kurt looks surprised and a bit in shock. His mouth is hanging open and Blaine laughs again. Kurt had that same look on his face at the party when Blaine told him he’s gay.

“Yeah. I now know that it’s another reason why I messed up, Kurt. I had all these feelings for you that I didn’t understand and it frustrated me and as those feelings grew, I took the frustration out on you. And then everything happened and I hated you, or I thought I did.”

“At the Suicide Club, you mentioned that you misattributed love as hatred,” Kurt says and Blaine nods, “I was wondering… Well.”

“Feelings are a mess!”

“I’ve wanted this since I was fourteen,” Kurt admits, even though it isn’t a secret. It never was. “Can we do this?” Kurt’s circling back to his earlier question. “I want this, still, but I also am afraid of getting hurt again.”

Blaine hums solemnly. He’s definitely broken some trust when he blocked Kurt twice and that is something they have to work on, but in the same vein, Blaine knows he also has a small complex about Kurt being so much better than him.

Yet, something’s changed. Blaine’s confident that it’s going to be different this time.

“I’m not your best friend,” Blaine says. Kurt’s eyes widen, but before he can say anything, Blaine continues. “Mercedes is. That’s wonderful. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be something else.”

“God, you sound like a teen. You’re not my best friend! You’re more than that! You’re my boyfriend!”

“Am I?” Blaine says with a playful tone, partially to hide his hopeful tone. He doesn’t want to sound desperate.

“Yes,” Kurt says earnestly. He tightens his embrace. “I am admittedly a bit nervous, but yes, I want you to be. And I think it’s going to be different now. We’ve lived separately for seven years. We’ve changed.”

Blaine hums in agreement. He’s glad to hear they’re on the same page. They both want this. They both have wanted this for a long time. They both want to try.

Blaine leans up to kiss Kurt. They know they have to talk some things through, but right now they’re in their own comfortable little bubble and Blaine’s incredibly happy.

“We should have breakfast, or late lunch,” Kurt laughs when he looks at the time on Blaine’s Hema alarm clock.

“I have fully integrated. I have hageslakken in the cupboard!”

“Do you mean hagelslag?”

“Damnit. Guess I am not as integrated as I thought.”

“Screw hagelslag!” Kurt says, “Do you have apples, flour, milk and eggs? I’m craving appelpannenkoeken. These Dutch pannenkoeken are so much nicer than American pancakes.” 

“Are you going to make pannenkoeken?” Blaine asks with a big smile.

Suddenly, he can imagine it. Kurt standing in his kitchen with Blaine admiring from the side. Kurt sitting on his couch, watching some trash tv, with Blaine next to him. Kurt taking in the view of the city from the balcony, with Blaine pointing out the best things you can see.

Blaine’s showtunes playlist starts playing another song. All I’ve Ever Known from Hadestown always makes Blaine’s heart soar.

You take me in your arms
And suddenly there's sunlight all around me
Everything bright and warm
And shining like it never did before
And for a moment I forget
Just how dark and cold it gets

Kurt also relaxes when he listens to the music.

“Hmmm. Sure. But how about we stay here for five more minutes,” Kurt suggests and Blaine nods eagerly. They’re hungry, but the warmth is too nice, especially since the January weather is cold and grey outside.

January really brings a lot of new things. There’s a new beginning for the two of them and it’s off to a great start.